I guess now is as good a time as any to keep my word about writing at the end of each night.
I’m at work right now. But really, before I get into that, Let me go back and get through the rest of my day. I spent most of my lab today writing and figuring out what I want to be doing with my time / life. Not surprising a lot of it isn’t work related.
I feel better about catching back up with the challenge. I stayed a little late after work to talk with a co-worker about the Faculty Scholarship Program. I explained what my experience has been so far, what I’ve liked, what I haven’t, why I’m doing it, what I plan to do later. That kind of thing. We both talked about how we are not feeling fulfilled at work. How there’s not vertical movement for either of us, and how we’re sort of tired of being stagnant.
It wasn’t like the bitchfest that I had with Frank shortly before going on vacation. It was a much calmer discussion. I actually really enjoyed it and I think I have a clearer understanding of my own discontent. That kept me at work until around 5:30. I made it home at 5:45, tired from the bike ride.
Zane was home already. He cooked dinner while I showered. Nothing fancy. Just some burger patties with onion and mushrooms. I topped mine off with cheese. No bread. Just a crap ton of protein, which I was craving.
We ended up fighting again, and again, neither of us knows why.
He said all he wants is for me to smile again. I reminded him that I was smiling and laughing during the game on Sunday, which he seemed sort of taken aback by.
Eventually we went grocery shopping. I saw a former student while we were there. He just got hired at EA Sports, so we were talking about that, and a few other former students / friends. I explained what was going on, in brief detail, with my life, work, school, etc. It was an unexpected encounter, but it wasn’t a bad one. Zane gathered up most of the items we needed while I was talking. I was grateful for that.
We came back home afterwards and put the groceries away. There’s coffee creamer for tomorrow, and bacon for my egg sandwiches. Much happiness.
Zane ended up being out of the room for a bit to set up the hookah, not that I was going to smoke. I was running warm from not drinking enough water over the past few days. That gave me time to curl up on the bed in solitude and decompress from the fight earlier.
When he came back into the room we agreed that we wouldn’t watch Arrow. Instead he put headphones in to listen to his own shows while I kept my eyes closed, relaxing. Eventually I moved around so I could be closer to Zane. He put his hand on my head, petting me.
We ended up talking. Really talking, not fight talking. I said that I felt we were both super sensitive to each other. He always expected me to be upset and I always expected him to be angry. Like how he couldn’t remember me smiling, and I can’t remember anything other than his reprimands even though I know he says nice things to me all the time.
Since I hadn’t had my school badge with me while we were at the store I had to go back out to work to drop off my lunches and the case of water, which is why I’m currently not at home. I like that I’m here though. The break room is empty. I’ve been able to think and not worry about anyone else being around me.
Zane wants me to sleep next to him tonight. He wants to wake up next to me. I’m worried. What if I can’t fall asleep? What if we’re broken? What if we can’t survive until the 30th when he gets paid? Or rather, that’s when he’ll be able to cash his check. What if I’m too tired and jaded to keep fighting for us? What if I give up too easy now?
Blah. I don’t want to play the what if game, but it seems to be what my brain wants to focus on.
Tangenting back to today… I completed my braindump after I got done putting all of my lunch stuff away. I ran out of paper in my notebook. Boooooooo!!!!!! So much lame! Like… words cannot express how uncool it is to not have paper right now.
So I need to get a new notebook from my stash tomorrow morning. I have a to-do list for tomorrow on my Google Drive though. I have a pretty big list for this week, and a decent amount for my “this month” and “soon” categories. I suppose I should add “go through omni focus” to the list so I can get that set back up.
I don’t know. Right now I’m sort of happy with where I’m at. As I start getting stuff taken care of I’ll find more things I want to do. I’ll have more positive feelings of accomplishment and success which will make me want to take on more. I know my list isn’t 100% complete, but it’s fairly complete, and that’s enough for me. That’s enough for tonight.
With my school work on pause I’ll have more time to figure things out, soul search and whatnot, which is the whole point of taking the leave of absence. Cleaning up my life so I can stop tripping and stumbling around in the dark, hoping that I don’t end up breaking my ankle.
And with that I’m going to go so I can stitch for a little bit before going home. And finish the bottles of water sitting in front of me… because I need to stop being a dehydrated slacker in that department.