Daily Post 046: The Trip Home


Might as well do this before going to sleep. And by going to sleep I mean passing out for the next foreseeable ever.


This morning started early. I took Zane to work so I could have the car and of course since I had to be awake enough to drive that meant I wasn’t able to go back to sleep once I got home. I had breakfast of shrimp nachos because that’s a breakfast… give me some time and I’ll be able to justify it eventually.


I finished off the second homework assignment that I’ve been working through for the Shading and Lighting class. I have several suggestions I want to make to Tony about it. The main one being that it’s too much work for a signal assignment, and two of the portions do not directly apply to the second project the students work on in lab. I feel those sections would be better saved for the third assignment where the material actually becomes relevant.


At the moment I’m pretty sure the students don’t see the point in the information so they feel like they’re doing busy work rather than being exposed to nifty things. If there’s not a use for it then why put brain power towards it when there’s so much other stuff they’re already having to remember?


The way the Photoshop template files are set up is embarrassingly bad as well. It’s obvious that these are Save As files from another assignment since none of the layers have been renamed. Some of them haven’t been named at all… How can you expect students to have good workflows and professional habits when the files you give them do not reflect the principles you are preaching?


(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻




Finished that assignment then started the main part of my day. I put money on the laundry card first. Trevor had gotten a $10 for it, but the office was closed by the time he got home and he didn’t get a chance to do it this morning. That left me being responsible. I honestly didn’t mind since that gave me a chance to inquire about the parking decal again.


That ended up being pretty awesome. I guess they had be delivered just that morning, so Kelly was awesome enough to get all of that squared away for me and I now no longer have a fear of my car being towed. At least not while I’m at the apartment.


I had packed all of my stuff for the gym later but realized I had forgotten the most important thing on the face of the planet…. Headphones. So I went back to the apartment, grabbed those, then started my errands for real.


I went to the bank and got $20 for Zane. Since I’m not going to be in town for a bit I wanted to make sure he had extra money incase he needed something form the store while I’m gone. It’s my week for grocery and it’s not really fair to only spend half of what I budget then skip town, leaving him high and dry if he needs something. I don’t know. To me it felt wrong not to give him something, so I did and all in right in Jen Land.


I stopped by school to drop off some protein shakes so I can have them there next week. Honestly I didn’t really “need” to do that, but I figured I would while I had the car and was out running around.


I went to the storage unit and got my army bag of winter clothes as well as the few wintery things that Zane packed away. It was a painless process this time since the scanner accepted my card.


I also finally made it to Fedex and shipped another one of my xStitch projects. There’s still one more that I would like to send but I don’t know if it will ever get to its destination. I hope so.


After all of that I was super awesome and went to the gym. I had thought about biking there this morning until the wind started blowing so hard you could hear it pushing against the glass of the windows. It’s bad enough with it’s a minor, light breeze. Totally not going to bike when it’s blowing like that.


Instead I drove to the gym where I ran, did weights, rowed for about five minutes, then biked for another 15. I was pretty happy with that.


From there it was back home where I had lunch, loaded the dish washer, put clothes away, packed, showered, and wasted some time on Facebook before having to go pick up Zane from work.


We had dinner at Pita Pit, enjoying our time together, then stopped at Hannah’s apartment so Zane could take care of her cat before we went home. I stayed at the apartment for a bit, cross stitching and watching / listening to Zane play Fallout. I only stitched one thread before packing up and getting on the road.


I didn’t make it all the way home before deciding that the safer option would be to stop and get a hotel room for the night. I was losing focus on the road and I didn’t like how hard it was for me to stay vigilant. Not cool. $50 to make sure I don’t kill anyone, or myself, seems like a small price.


So that’s where I’m at currently. In a hotel room about two hours from my cousin. I’ve already gotten in touch with everyone to let them know what’s going on. I plan to sleep and then wake up to finish my trip. Sort of lame that I had to stop, but I like sleep and I have no regrets.


With that I bid everyone a good night.


Daily Post 045: Tuesday And Why Sherlock is a Jerk


Tuesday was a good day. I didn’t go to the gym again due to a finicky back, but I did bike to school. I was able to work up a nice sweat, warming up my muscles. My back hurt less after the ride even though I had my backpack with me.


I sat outside drinking my bottle of water and snacking on some almonds. I even stretched a bit as I listened to music, enjoying the little bit of warm sunlight that happened to be peaking through the overcast sky. The past handful of days have been dreary autumn days. The kind where it’s indoor weather, curled up watching a movie or napping.


I don’t mind a sprinkling of those kinds of days here and there, but I miss the sunlight, and I’m glad today seems to be bright and sunny.


Eventually I went back inside to clock in and get ready for work. Ari was in the break room. She wants to hangout again. Just us. Alone. At her place. I’m not ok with that because I know it won’t stay platonic that way. It didn’t last year and all we did was drive to dinner together. Even when we were saying goodbye the other night before I biked home there was crossing of lines. It wasn’t just a hug goodbye and that’s why I try to avoid seeing her in person.




There were other people in the break room, so it wasn’t nearly as taxing as if we had been alone, and I wasn’t in the break room all that long. It’ still something I know I need to address, again, though. I wish I knew another way of saying, “I really only want friendship right now,” since those words don’t seem to be working and I don’t want to be a jerk and say, “Back the f’ off,” even though it’s getting to that point.


Lab went well. There was one student who was having an issue with Photoshop due to his graphics card driver. That was new and interesting. I wrote my weekly saga, though I’m not all that happy with it since I didn’t get to play around with the template layout like I wanted. I also wrote a piece for Thanksgiving because the urge struck me and I felt the need to write those words.


I biked home after the first lab since the second one is a half lab and Frank doesn’t need me there. I played Chime until Zane came home. We were out of a few flavors of shisha so we made plans to run to the store for that. That turned into Zane buying dinner for us at Chik fil a. When we came home we watched the next episode of Sherlock.


The end made me angry and upset. It’s the episode where Sherlock fakes his death. At the very end John is standing in front to the headstone saying his final farewell. He turns to walk away, but turns back to the headstone. He walks towards it and places his hand on top and says, “One more thing. One more miracle, Sherlock. For me. Don’t… be… dead. Would you? Just for me? Just stop it. Stop this.”


It took so much for me to not lose it because I know those feelings. I have felt them, and it was really hard feeling them all over again. I ended up sleeping on the floor in the living room because that’s where Scarlet was and I felt the need to be near her.


I’m better than I was last night, but still a little raw. The day is already underway and I have several things I want to do before leaving tonight to drive back home. So I guess I should stop procrastinating and get a move on, starting with the gym so I can get some warmth going.

Musing Moment 0075: Holiday Thoughts


With Thanksgiving only a few days away and seeing so many posts on Facebook and WordPress I have this need to join the crowd.


What am I thankful for? And why is it only during this time of year where we take the time to sit and contemplate the gifts and blessings we have? Why is it always health, family, job, and finances that seem to make the top five in some order or variation? Cookie cutter responses with not much thought put into it. Socially acceptable answers. Safe answers.


Even though it’s hard for me to keep perspective sometimes, even though I complain more often than I should, I am grateful for so much in my life. For the people, for the experiences I have had, for the challenges I have faced and overcome.


I am grateful for silly things like the wind on my back as I bike because I know what it feels like to have to bike against it. I’m grateful for warm blankets fresh out of the dryer, draped over me while I sleep curled up in bed. I’m grateful for the patience and understanding I am given when I’m being mildly to severally irrational. I am grateful for goofy conversations and teasing insults that end with “your face”.


I am grateful for the acceptance I have found. I am grateful for having a place that I can once again think of as home. I am grateful for the changes at work, which helps prevent the burnout I was suffering through for so long.


I am grateful for my dedication and determination with my race. I am grateful for my resourcefulness and how I bike to work now. I wish I had started so much sooner with it. I wonder how it would have altered things if I had.


I’m grateful.


I don’t know how else to say it. Those words feel so hallow and empty, as if they can’t hold the emotion that I feel. When I think of my life, of my mom, my brothers, of Zane, and Mother Earth, of Clavan, of where I have been in my life and situations I have gone through, I am filled with this feeling, this sensation.


It’s a welling, like water, filled with the warmth of caring, loving, accepting. It gently fills and saturates everything within my life, every corner of my mind, every memory my thoughts wander over. Every minor and major thing alike. Nothing is left untouched by this feeling, by this gratefulness.


Pictures given to me by my mom. Printed papers that I have saved, tacked up on my corkboard. New papers with spiffy certifications inked onto them. Shoes that are just past the stages of being broken in from recent runs. The bruises on my shines from hitting them against the bike pedals.


There are so many things that I think of when I think about “gratefulness”. And I don’t know how to communicate it, articulate it. I can’t put every day, every action, into words, even though this blog is an attempt at that. A record of events which help to shape and mold me.


I’m grateful for breathing, for living, for still being here and able to fight the good fight. I’m grateful for my ambition, for my goals, for my dreams. I’m grateful for the love I have in my life. I’m grateful that I have people who understand me and let me be me in all of my weird quirkiness. I am grateful that people put up with me and give me space when I need it without taking my withdrawal as a personal offense. I am grateful that I feel like I have seriously begun to find myself and stand proudly, owning up to who I am and who I’m becoming.


I’m grateful for life. All of it, good and bad alike. And this feeling feels so genuine, so intense, so real, that it stings my eyes with tears. How can you say I’m grateful and have it be enough?


How can I tell my mom I am grateful for her, for her love, for her influence, for the time and effort she put into me? How can I simply say words and ever have it mean enough, be enough? How can I tell her I love her and have those words hold all of the depth and vastness that I feel inside?


How can I tell Zane I am grateful for him and have him understand that we walked through hell together and are now through the darkness? That if he hadn’t be there with me, helping me, holding my hand while I faced the horrible nightmare I had created in my head that I don’t know if I would be here still? How do you tell someone, “Thank you for saving me?” and convey everything those words personally mean to you?


I don’t think there is a way. I think gratefulness in an internal feeling, in a way a lonely feeling. The people in my life will never know the depth at which I care for them. They may guess at it. May, in a way, empathize with it, but there is no way for them to truly know the sensation of my feelings, and in a way that makes it painful.


I feel for them so much, and yet I have no way of communicating that to them. No words, no actions could ever be enough. At least not in my mind. They have done so much for me, and they most likely don’t even know it. Simply being there, listening to me, giving me a hug, smiling and sharing in a funny story, all of our inside jokes and special moments. They’re precious to me. Priceless. Irreplaceable. And I cherish all of them. Every second, even if it seems like I’m not sometimes, I am grateful for.


I am grateful, for everything, and I wish with every fiber of my being that there was another way I could express those feelings. Something which would pour all of that warmth and love from my soul onto a canvas for others to see, taste, touch, feel, experience. Some way for it to flow from me, through them. Some way for it to wrap around them and keep them safe, protected. A shield to stand against the injustices I don’t want them to face. The harshness and trials of life which will test them. Make them question and doubt and worry. Stress and fret.


I want to be the gentleness which whispers softly thought their mind as they drift to sleep, assuring them the monsters won’t bother them because I will scare them off.


And that is the best I can do to show my gratefulness, to pass that feeling from myself to them. I can’t prevent the monsters from coming. I can’t stop them from existing and being real. But when they come I can be there. I can stand beside the people I care about and I can help them fight, just like when they stand beside me, giving me courage and strength. I can stand beside the people I love and ensure their victory when things seem dark and overwhelming and hopefully that in some small way shows that I care, that I love, and that I am grateful.


From the bottom of my very soul, I am grateful.



Weekly Saga 004: 11/16 – 11/22


I wasn’t able to get around to playing with my template this week, which is lame. I have lots of ideas for improving it so it’s not so blank and text heavy. It’s just a matter of making time to do it. Since I need to get the character sheet altered for Uke’s game on Sunday I don’t think I’ll be able to get to the template. Sad day.


So alas… Here is the slightly esthetically unappealing weekly saga template. I haven’t begun seriously paying down the credit card, or raising money for the St. Jude fund I have created for my Warrior Dash, but those are two things I’m going to begin tracking before too long.  :3


Daily Post 044: Sunday Lunch and Monday Bandanas


This was meant for last night. Only 8 hours late. Go me. : D


I didn’t write on Sunday, but then not a lot happened, which I was ok with.


I woke up late-ish. Around 9:30. I poked around at a few things. Nothing super important or amazing enough for me to actually remember. I eventually showered and dressed so I could meet with Sabrina for lunch. Not surprisingly she wanted to go to the sushi cafe that Zane and I had just gone to the night before. I’m not joking when I say that place is amazing.


I didn’t mind going back. I was a little worried that it would be awkward, since Hannah was supposed to be working and I have never seen or hung out with her unless Zane was there, but it ended up being fine.


Sabrina and I got to the cafe as the same time and were able to walk in together. We got our corner booth and actually had the whole place to ourselves for a while. That meant Hannah was able to hang around and chat with us for a bit. Her and Sabrina were able to connect and talk about school and what their plans are for afterwards. Sabrina graduates in December. It’s going to be hard when she leaves, just like it was hard when Tre graduated. She’s a friend and it’s always rough when they leave.


But sad tangent aside, it was a good lunch and I think Hannah and I slightly bonded and are on more friendly / at ease terms. Maybe that was all inside of my head, and I totally recognize that as a possibility. It was very similar when I first met Nic. Until I was able to spend time alone with her I didn’t really know how I fit into the dynamic.


Once lunch was over and Sabrina and I parted ways I drove to the produce store to finish off the shopping. I actually really, really, didn’t want to go. I wanted to go home and go back to sleep. Or at least curl up in bed in the dark and not worry or think or do anything other than let my brain relax.


But, nope. I was a diligent adult. I got the last remaining items on the list and was in the process of checking out when Zane called me.


I want to take a second to express how awesome it is to be able to get in touch with him and vise versa now that he actually has service for his phone.


He’s going to be cat sitting for Hannah and needed the car to be able to meet her after her shift. He was calling to see where I was at since it was getting really close to when he wanted to be leaving. He ended up walking to the entrance of the apartment complex where I picked him up. He had been on his way to meet me at the store, but I was faster because I’m awesome. /flex


I drove him back to the cafe, but only dropped him off rather than staying. I went back home, thought about doing chores, and ended up taking an hour and a half nap instead.


I woke up to Zane calling me asking to be let into the apartment. Since I had the keys for the car he didn’t have his house key to get inside. I was much more recovered than I had been earlier in the day. I unlocked the door and let Zane in. Hannah was with him and we all hung out for about an hour, which was really nice. Another thing which helped me feel more at ease around her.


I had a cup of coffee while we chatted in the living room. Hannah eventually left so she could get on the road since she was traveling back home for the holiday break. Zane and I chilled for a bit and eventually watching an episode of Sherlock and having pizza for dinner.


Zane went to sleep before I did. A first, I know. I wanted to try to stay up as late as possible since my schedule this month is PM. I played Chime for a while, going to sleep around 1ish. Not as late as I wanted, but a good start to switching my sleep cycle over.


I stayed on the couch for a bit but moved to the room at some point.


And here we are at Monday. It’s been a fantastic day so far. My bandanas came in! Woooo! They’re awesome. I love all of them. And I don’t know which one to wear tomorrow because now I have choices and colors.


I also got an email, two actually, after I got home from work saying the Lucy tops that I purchased have shipped. They’re coming from two different locations, so there’s going to be two deliveries. One should be here by Wednesday. The other isn’t scheduled to arrive until Saturday, but I’m hoping that it gets here sooner than that.


Fingers crossed.


So both of those things are amazing news.


The morning started out super sluggish. I was a bit of a grouch when Zane got up this morning, and I apologized to him through Facebook once I actually started my day. We didn’t do breakfast together, mostly because he wasn’t hungry and I wasn’t rested enough to care about getting out of bed.


I started my day around 10ish. Which seems crazy late to me until I put it in perspective with the thought that that I wouldn’t be getting home until around 1am. I tried messaging Clavan to see if he knew what the lab size would be. It was very possible that there would only be one lab and I would be able to leave work around 9ish. He hadn’t had lecture yet, which meant he wasn’t able to answer my question. So much lame. >.<;


I went through my email. I put the clothes away. I called my mom and let her know what was going on with the trip home. I got in touch with another one of my friends, Nasse, the guy I hung out with on spring break, so we have plans for lunch on Friday. I created a new podcast. Even got all of the editing done for it. I started working on the second activity for Shading and Lighting, and once I got tired of that I made the shrimp tacos that Zane and I will be doing as dinners.


I had lunch at some point during all of that, as well as set up my new voice mail.


Around 3:30 I showered, packed up my bag, then headed to work. I clocked in, had water, logged my workout, and took a look at my work email. There wasn’t much so that was nice. Once I was cool enough from the ride I changed and got the lab set up.


My day got even better when I found out there is only going to be one lab for CRI1 rather than two. That means I’m biking out at 9pm rather than 1am. Woooo! I can’t express how awesome that news was. It literally made my entire month. Best birthday present ever. At least that’s what I’m going to count it as. My birthday gift from the school.


The lab is an awesome group of students, too. Very engaging which made the intro speech much easier to do since it felt like I was talking with them rather than at them. I stitched a little bit before finishing off the SAL activity I was working on. There’s still a few things I need to do with it, but the main step, the rendering, is out of the way. Now it’s just playing around in Photoshop.


I saw Ari, which I don’t really want to talk / type about. Maybe another time. It wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but it was taxing and something I had been hoping to avoid to be honest.


It was cold as I biked home. I kept my jacket on which I normally don’t do. It makes me realize that I will most likely buy the bike mount for my new armband magnet of awesomeness because the armband kept sliding down my jacket sleeve. It stays on fine when it’s my skin, but the fabric doesn’t have enough friction to keep everything in place. Sort of not cool. I won’t get the mount until next paycheck, but it will happen.


My bike chain slipped while I was crossing a street, which didn’t help the bike ride home. It’s cold. It’s dark. I just had to deal with an uncool situation. My armband won’t stay in place. Oh… and I look like a fool. Totally a relaxing bike ride… said no one ever.


I was able to fix the bike on my own. I felt all spiffy and bike savvy even though I’m sure it was the easiest things I could have possibly fixed. I made it home without further incident and I am once again completely satisfied with my purchase of the new headlight for the bike. I can’t imagine what that ride would have been like if I added, “Wasn’t able to see the sidewalk” to the list of things that made the ride unenjoyable.


Zane was walking out of the apartment to switch the wash when I pulled the bike up to the steps. Look at him being a super sexy adult doing all those adulty things. ❤


He had stopped by the store before coming home. They’re doing a potluck at his work tomorrow and he wanted to make something to take in. While he was out he picked up a bag of chips to go with the tacos. Mostly so I could do shrimp nachos since I like the crunchiness. I feel like it’s moments like this that I need to write down in a separate notebook or something so when I start to only see darkness I can be reminded that he’s actually pretty amazing to me.


The sink was a mess when I got inside. John and Trevor were talking. I had just had a crap ride home (though to be fair it could have been way, way worse), and I was still flustered over the encounter with Ari. Zane tried to chat with me while I was unloading the dishwasher, but with everything else that was going on I couldn’t focus. I told him it was loud, which it was, and that I needed a few minutes, because I did. I needed to breathe because I felt like everything was closing in around me.


He understood and said he would talk with me after everything settled down and I had some time. Finishing putting the dishes away and cleaning up the sink helped. John and Trevor ended up going to their rooms and I was left in silence. Blessed silence.


Zane came out of the room not long after and hugged me. A long hug where I buried my face in the crook of his arm, feeling his warmth on my skin, taking in his scent which means safety. I asked if it would be ok if I had a minor breakdown, to which he answered yes.


I didn’t, but it was nice knowing that if I had it would have been ok.


I made a bowl of shrimp nachos and ate while we talked. I explained the ride home and why I was slightly overwhelmed. How the noise of everyone being in the kitchen had been hard for me. Eating helped balance me out too since I was super hungry. I was also starting to warm up since the ride home had been so cold. Cold… in Florida… not what I signed up for.


I asked if anyone had checked the mail since I was expecting the bandanas. No one had so Zane ran out to do that while I finished packing the hookah bowl he had been starting. A mix of chia tea and honey. It smelled nice.


He came back with a package for me and thus the wonderfulness that is bandanas was had. I love all of them.


We sat in the living room watching a few videos on YouTube. I showered. Watched another video, then came back to the room to write. Zane showered too and is currently in bed sleeping.


It’s getting late and I plan to be up early with him so we can have breakfast and so I can get to the gym before work, which starts at 1am.


I had thought to go to the gym today, but my lower back is hurting. Muscle pain, sort of like I strained it. It’s not the sharp pain of a pulled muscle, but it still hurts sometimes and makes me cautious, weary of moving too fast. It’s not a good feeling.


I didn’t want to risk agitating the muscles by going to the gym. The bike ride to school made it feel better. But now, at the end of my day, it’s starting to hurt again. I’m hoping it’s gone, or significantly less tomorrow. If not I might not do the gym again, which would suck, but I’ve sort of already chalked this week up to screwed since I’ll be traveling. I might run while I’m home, but I’m not going to be biking as much as I have the past 4 week.


But yeah. I would really like to be able to go to the gym, and it’s totally not going to happen if I’m exhausted in the morning, so I’ll go for now and see how everything is feeling in the morning.



Daily Post 043: The Day that Actually Was Saturday


I meant to post my last post before leaving work, or at least once I got home, but clearly that didn’t happen. Instead I posted this morning, which means this will also most likely be posted in the morning resulting in two posts, which hopefully doesn’t frustrate a bunch of people because I’m worried about spamming everyones inbox too much and run on sentences of dooooommmm….


So yes, yesterday. Saturday.


It was weird for it to be Saturday since I spend all of Friday thinking it was Saturday… I had to keep vocally reminding myself, “It’s Friday. Friday, Jen. Not Saturday.”


It didn’t really help all that much, which is why it was surprising that I didn’t think yesterday was Sunday.


Anyway. It was a dreary, cloudy, sort of cold day yesterday, and my entire being reflected that. I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to go out. I certianlly didn’t want to go to work.


I got up with Zane. I had leftovers for breakfast. One of the chicken rice bowls. It was easy and only needed to be heated up in the microwave, because, you know… making eggs takes so much work…


After eating I got dressed and headed out, even though I really didn’t want to. I was hoping to get my hair done so I could chill at home with the dye soaking into my hair before work. I went to Sally’s and got the dye I wanted. I’m thinking about doing two colors. A bright purple near my roots and having it fade into a dark, sort of midnight-ish purple towards the ends. I only had the Purple Haze dye though, so I got the Midnight Raven that I was missing. That was a quick and painless tirp and set my expecatiions for the hair salon. I was hoping it too would be an easy, though time consuming, process. I was considering getting my eyebrows done as well. The conclusion to my spending spree.


When I was told there would be an hour and a half wait before I was even seen I turned around an headed home. I wasn’t going to spend my morning waiting or going from salon to salon looking for one with an open spot. I didn’t have it in me to do that.


Instead I went back home where I crawled back into bed and rested until 12:30 when I had to get up and get ready for work. Even then I wasn’t recharged enough. I felt drained. My nose was stuffy too which didn’t help.


Zane even mentioned how I didn’t sound all that awesome. I was cold feeling. I didn’t want to leave the shower which still wasn’t warm enough even though I was in lava. #earthDragonProblems


I was glad to be able to take the car to work. I didn’t feel like biking. And since the phone still had 12 hours to go before I could use it with the armband I didn’t feel guilty about not going to the gym. Can’t workout without music…. >.>;


I think yesterday was a combination of having been so social over the past few weeks catching up to me, as well as the gym. I do need recovery days, and if I don’t give myself enough recover time my body will find a way to make sure it gets it. Mainly by making sure I’m unable to do anything else… like yesterday.


Mentally work was rough yesterday. I didn’t have all that many questions, but the ones I did have were clearly, “I didn’t pay attention and I have no idea what I need to actually be doing for the turn-in later tonight” types of questions, which are frustrating for me. I don’t have an issue answering legit questions. I’m not going to hold your hand and walk you through the assignment when you didn’t give enough fucks about it before.


I spend most of the first lab going through my personal email. I replied to Chrys which took a while. Emails with her always tends to be a lengthy, mini novel endevour. I’m glad we’ve reconnected though. It’s good to be talking with her again.


I also messaged several of my friends in South Carolina letting them know that I would most likely be in town for the holiday. I completed a bunch of minor tasks like adding the phone charge to the money that Zane owes me. That’s one of the reasons I don’t feel guilty about having a new phone even though I didn’t need one. He wanted me to be with a better service provided since MetroPCS isn’t all that reliable for me, and he wanted to pay for the phone as a way of saying thank you for the support I have given him over the past four months. It was easier for me to put the charge on the credit card and have Zane roll the cost into the payments he is going to be making to me over the next few months. So that’s what we did.


Eventually lab was over. At least the first one. That gave me an hour break to do a bit more recharging before the second one started at 5pm. I went to Moe’s for a nacho bowl. I chatted with my mom for a bit too, seeing what she wanted to do for Thanksgiving.


My cousin created an event on Facebook inviting both of us to spend the day with her. We decided that’s what we would do, so the only thing left was to figure out where I would be staying for the time that I’m home. I told my mom I would figure something else and let her know the game plan.


After eating I went back to work and messaged my cousin. I’m going to be staying with her for a few nights in her spare bedroom. I also offered to bring stuff for the dinner so I’m in charge of drinks. Mostly sodas with a few gallons of tea.


I wrote my last daily post which too a fair about of my time. I wasn’t able to proof read all of it before the end of lab which is why the blog didn’t get posted. Not enough brain power.


I had to go to the grocery store after work to get vinegar. It helps get the cat smell out of the fabric when it’s been marked by the cats. Since I had to be out I figured I would do most of the grocery shopping while I was there.



Since I’m not going to be home for most of the week Zane and I figured out what the necessities were, and planned out one meal; shrimp tacos. There are still a few things I need to get from the produce store, but I got coffee creamer and bacon and crackers, dish soap…


I was at my limit when I got home. I walked in the door, Zane paused his game, and the first thing out of his mouth was, “Are you ok?”




“I don’t know how else to tell you that I really don’t like that question,” was my response as I started putting everything down.


“I don’t really know what else to ask when you walk through the door looking the way you do.”


Fair enough…


He hugged me, and I explained how it was my turn to feel overwhelmed and like I hadn’t gotten enough alone time. He was empathetic and after a little while the tension I had been feeling melted away. We put the food up together. Afterwards Zane packed a bowl of orange shisha with a bit of mint for us to enjoy while he watched the latest episode of Dr. Who.


While he was putting the episode on the flash drive I played a few levels of Entwined. Zane commented on how the game seemed cooler with the sound turned up a little higher than it had been when I had first played. I mentioned that was because you could her more of the music.


There’s a company called Cipher Prime which makes amazing puzzle games based on music. I was one of the original people who bought Auditorium when it came out. I also bought Fractal, but stopped following the company when I deleted my old email address. I forgot that it was connected to their mailing list and didn’t think about it until I started playing Entwined again.


Well, come to find out they actually have a game on the PS4 called Splice. I might buy it next paycheck since it’s only $15 and that could come from my budgeted play money. Cipher Prime has never let me down when it comes to their games and I’m actually sort of interested in how it works.


Once the file was done transferring I logged out of Entwined and we watched the episode together. I haven’t seen any of the new season, but most of the Dr. Who shows are pretty self contained. It was a good episode, and I’m glad that I stayed and watched it rather than hiding in the room.


I didn’t stay awake for much longer afterwards though. I was tired, and cold, and it had been raining all day since I got to work. That was another layer on the whole “overwhelmed” scale. Not only was I burnt out from work and driving to the store at night rather than going home, but it was raining cold, icky winter rain on top of it all. So much lame…


Zane took care of the laundry which was awesome. He came in and covered me with the blanket once it was dry. It was mind-blowingly, amazingly warm. He didn’t come to sleep until later. I woke up when he did, hungry, which seems to be the new trend for us. I stayed up for a bit, napped on the couch, then went back to the room around 5am.


I didn’t wake up until 9ish, didn’t move until about 9:30, and have since been enjoying a silent morning in the living room lone with my cup of coffee.


I finished my last post, I’ve written this new one, and now it’s about time for me to shower so I can make it to lunch with Sabrina on time. I would like to try to get my hair bleached, but I’ll be ok if it doesn’t happen until next weekend. I need to finish the grocery shopping before coming home as well so there’s no reason for me to have to go back out to night.


Monday is going to sort of suck. I work 5pm until 1am, which means I won’t see Zane at all. I’ll leave home before he gets off work, and he’ll be asleep before I get back. We’re going to do breakfast together, but it’s still sort of lame. We’ll make it work some how. We knew eventually I would get a schedule like this.


Well… I’m off to get the day started. I’m glad I don’t have much going on. It’s another dreary, cool, autumn day. A lazy day. A quiet day.



Daily Post 042: Date Night and All of The New


While today has been a fairly lazy and lax day, yesterday was anything but.


It did not start with pancakes like originally imagined. Actually, to be honest, it started with irrational grouchiness. Zane didn’t come to sleep until late, which woke me up. I stayed up for a bit, using the time to write my last blog.


Eventually I was tired again, around 5am. I went back to sleep only to wake up in the middle of a REM cycle because Zane had to call out of work. That meant he had to rummage around to find his notebook where he had written down his supervisor’s number, then flip through all of the pages until he found said number so he could text her after he had gone through all of the other call out procedures. Rummaging is a very noisy process. I could feel the frustration building inside of my skull like hot pressure.


When Zane came back to bed he wanted us to cuddle close and fall back asleep together. Trying to cuddle things that want to kill you usually isn’t good for self-preservation. I couldn’t fall back to sleep, again, and I didn’t want to be held while I was so volatile. I wanted to be left alone.


It didn’t help I was still having anxiety over the thought of date night later in the day.


There was a spat but we worked through it. We agreed that we would go back to sleep, and that the day hadn’t really started yet, so it wasn’t ruined. When we woke up again we would start fresh and have an awesome day.


And the day was pretty awesome once it got started for real.


Instead of pancakes we had burger royals. There was egg and bacon involved, so it counted as breakfast. We spent some time together before Zane and I drove to school so I could get the bike. I went to the gym where I ran around the track, minute intervals again, but that was it. I didn’t have time to do any lifting. We had the appointment at Verizon for the new phones at noon and it was already 11:10 by the time I was leaving the gym. I still had to get home and hopefully shower.


I biked home, rested for a few minutes while I drank a bottle of water, showered, then we were out the door, already running a little behind schedule.


The phone experience was great. The first thing Paul asked was if we wanted to try getting approved for the monthly payment plan again. I asked if there was any negative consequences for trying, to which the answer was no. So what the heck? Why not?


I’m so glad we did because for whatever reason Zane and I were approved this time. That meant we didn’t have to spend $400 up front on our phones. We’re able to roll the cost of the phones into our monthly bill over the course of two years. Huzzah!


We got all of that set up, which took a while, but was very worth it. Zane traded in his phone, but since it had the cracked screen he only got $20 for it. My phone is in much better condition. We will be mailing it in to receive credit towards our monthly bill, which we were told should be around $200. That’s about a month and a half worth of phone bill. Very cool. I got a case to go with my new iPhone 6. It’s a light lavender and white case. I love it. And my phone is the black one, which they didn’t have at the store last weekend.


Since Zane and I do not use our phones all that much we went with 1gig of data for this month. We’ll see how much we use, but I’m pretty sure it will be enough. I’m going to get into the habit of making workout playlists for the week and having them available in offline mode for Spotify, that way I’m not streaming or having to worry about the songs buffering while I’m working out, which is beyond frustrating.


With the phones taken care of we decided to go out for lunch at my sports bar. We haven’t been there for lunch in a while, which means we haven’t seen our server in what feels like ages. Lunch was fantastic. We discussed the rest of the day and potential holiday plans. We also talked about our plans for dinner and why I was still anxious over going to the sushi place. There was a lot of honest communication about both of our perspectives, and I felt way better about the evening plans that I had since our conversation on Wednesday.


After eating we went back to the apartment. I spent some time setting my phone up since I had a backup on my computer. Eventually I headed out again to do my errands, new phone in tow. We were still in the “I don’t know how I feel about you,” phase.


I started at the bank. I had to get money for Zane for my half of the PS4 he got last week. We decided since I was getting flea meds for the cats to take that out of the money I owed him, as well as his portion of the car insurance payment.


I guess I should mention that I paid bills earlier in the morning, you know, since I’m mostly responsible or something lame like that.


Anyway, started at the bank for Zane’s money and a money order for Trevor to cover my share of rent. Hopped across the street to the vet for flea meds, then went to the storage unit to put some books up.


For some reason the card swipe wasn’t reading my card. It kept saying that the area was closed and not deactivating the alarm on my unit. For a moment I thought about just leaving. It’s not like it was a big deal. I could drop the books off a different day. But I didn’t leave.


Instead I walked up to the storefront and asked one of the guys if the hours for the storage unit were different for some reason because normally the units are open until 8pm on Friday.


They poked around for a bit, but couldn’t figure out why the system wasn’t giving me access. I had just paid my bill that morning, too. There was nothing amiss that they could find.


They manually deactivated my alarm and said to stop by the front once I was done with the unit so they could reactivate my alarm. Score. Go go communication and not being a chicken shit.


I walked back, got the books and headed inside to the unit. While I was passing the re-use section I noticed two black TV trays. They seemed to be in good condition. I went ahead and snagged them. We don’t need them for anything, but they’re good collapsible tables that I could put my cross stitching stuff on while I’m stitching in the living room, or in my own room once February rolls around and I get to kick Zane out into the master bedroom leaving me with my very own dragon den once again, muahahahahaha…. I mean… yeah… Totally not looking forward to that or anything… >.>;


In all seriousness I really don’t need the trays. But they were free, and I have the space for them in the unit, so I stashed them in there, and if when February rolls around and no one wants them I can put them back in the re-use area and someone else can snag them.


So that was sort of cool. Free loot is always nice.


Once I was done with the unit I told the guys in the front of the store I was heading out. They turned the alarm back on, and that was that. I stopped by Fedex next, driving through rush hour traffic to get there. That was sort of a bust though. There was a person in front of me who was having some serious issues, so it was going to take a while for me to mail my latest cross stitch gift. I asked how long they would be open, which is 11pm, and figured I could keep doing stuff on my to-do list and stop back by later. Or maybe I would run across a different Fedex and get it taken care of elsewhere. Either was a valid option in my mind.


So that left me with going to the sports store to find a new armband for my phone. Since then new phone is so much larger than the iPhone 4, there’s no way my old armband will work. I stopped at Dick’s Sporting Goods first. They had a surprisingly lame selection for armbands, and none of their armbands would fit my phone while it was in its case.


Sorry for being a lazy human, but I’m not going to take my phone out of its case every time I need to use my armband, because that would be way more hassle than what it’s worth.


I looked around at their clearance stuff again, but didn’t find anything I liked. I did see some Lucy workout tops that are amazing. That’s the brand that my purple one is (the one I love). The down side… they’re hella expensive. Like $40 for one top. Plus your first born child.


They’re so worth I, though. The material is exacty what I like. They have a built in sport bra that actually has enough strapdown power to work, unlike most of the ones I find. And the color selection was pretty awesome. Dark red, a dark purple, and black. Ok, so maybe to normal people that isn’t an awesome color selection. But I loved all of them and stood in front of the display for a while after trying one of the tops on, debating and weighting the pros and cons to getting one or two new tops.


I left the store without buying anything, no tops, no clearance, and no armband which was the whole point of the trip. Instead I went over to Sports Authority, which is literally right across the street. Talk about keeping your enemies close. At least I didn’t have to travel far when the first store let me down.


The Sports Authority that I went to was the store where I got my compression sleeves for my shines and my old armband. Jeez. Realizing that I bought those over a year ago, while I was living with Clavan, really puts things into perspective. Because I had success at the store in the past I was hoping to find something I liked. I didn’t see anything at first. Just more of the same slip-in bands that I really didn’t like, but then I saw what looked like something sort of nifty. Curious, I picked up the box.


It was an armband rather than the sleeve that I currently have. What’s cool is that it’s a magnet. You put a super sticky magnet on the back of your phone / phone case and it hooks into an attachment on the armband. Basically you clip your phone on and go about whatever it is you’re doing. When you want to detach your phone you turn it 90 degrees to the left and it pops right off. No muss no fuss. No need to take the phone out of its case. And what’s cooler? There’s a bike attachment so you can clip the phone onto your bike. Or you can get a mount for the car and use it as gps. There’s a belt clip too, which seems pretty nifty.


I only got the armband, but I’m seriously thinking about the bike mount eventually. The associate was super friendly about it. I asked her if it came with the phone mount or if it was just the arm band because there were mounts being sold in separate boxes. I thought it would be pretty lame if that’s how the device was sold, but I didn’t want to get home and realize I only had half of the equation.


She opened the box for me and we both checked it out. The phone magnet was in there. Huzzah. She even let me test out the armband since I was worried that it wouldn’t feel comfortable or fit properly. It came with three different armband sizes. I threaded the one I wanted through the main piece and secured it around my arm, flexing and moving about to get a feel for what it would be like.


It’s a bit thicker and heavier than the sleeve I’m used to, but I like it. I think it will work pretty well. I was all set to check out when the associated asked ifI stillw anted to look around the store. I hadn’t thought about it honestly, but then I figured why not? I hadn’t seen their selection of clearance stuff. I might find something for cheap.


And this is where I’m going to go on a tangent and ramble for another four pages before getting on with typing out the rest of my day because this is where I have some hashing out to do. And of course it’s about finances because why would I worry about anything else in my life?


Zane had mentioned earlier in the morning how he didn’t want to offend me, or say something that could hurt my feelings, but that he really likes the changes he’s seeing in me. I like the changes, too. I like how I feel. I like how I can tell that I’m losing weight and gaining muscle. I like how I feel stronger when I’m walking, or even just sitting. I like how my clothes fit me differently. And I like how I’m doing all of this without the help of weight loss pills for gimmicky shakes and bars. I’m doing this the old fashion way because that’s how I got to the point I’m currently at. I want to change through sweat, maybe some tears, and preferably no blood.


There are a few things that detract from the feeling of awesomeness though. I don’t like is that two of my workout tops I’ve had since I was in college, so over four years now? And I only have two tank tops that I like wearing over my workout tops that I use to bike to school, and those I’ve had for a while, too. The blue one has sweat stains because I’ve worn it so often. One of my workout tops (we’ll refer to them as undertops) is more of a yoga top, so I can’t run in it. There isn’t enough compression to handle something with that much impact. I’ve been using it on the days that I only bike, but those days don’t happen very often any more, so I feel like I only have two undertops.


It’s weird feeling better, dare I say even attractive, and having grungy stuff that doesn’t make me feel all that awesome. Or stuff that I skip over wearing because I don’t think it will get the job done. In addition to that, the undertops are ones that I had when I lived with Warren #2. I remember the pink one (yes it’s pink… don’t judge me, it was on clearance when I bought it, it’s also the yoga top I’m not all that fond of) was the one I was wearing when I came back from a biking workout one night and he was mad at me because I hadn’t been home when he got home. It literally was an instance where he was mad because dinner wasn’t on the table.


There are memories attached to all of my things, good and bad, including the undertops. It would be really nice to move on and let them go. It would be really cool to have things that gave me positive motivation and a feeling of newness and a clean start.


I have the skirts and tops that I got from the Salvation Army, it just sucks because I really don’t get much of a chance to wear them now that I’m biking to school. I honestly don’t feel bad about having bought them because I only spent $20 for the three outfits I got and I still do wear them when I go out with Zane on date nights, or when I’m able to drive to school and feel like dressing a bit nicer.


With all of that in the forefront of my mind, how nice it would be to find fresh clean workout stuff to go with all of the other new things I have been getting, I went back and poked around at the clearance racks. There were several tank tops (overtops) that I liked. And they weren’t just black. They had blues, and greens, even a purplish red one. I didn’t see any shorts I liked, which I was ok with because I have the ones from one of my other shopping adventures that I’ve gone on this past month.


I tried the tops on. There were two styles, three tops in each style, for a total of six tops. I liked them. I liked knowing that they fit better then they would have just a month ago. I liked how they are colorful and new. I like the material they’re made out of because it’s moisture wicking and soft and stretchy. I like how they were marked half price because they were clearance.


I stood in the dressing room, looking at the six tops, wondering if this was impulse shopping and wrong. I knew the longer I stood there the more I would become conflicted. So… I got them, and the armband. And when I got home after having dinner with Zane I went online and got four of the Lucy workout tops like the one I tried on at Dick’s Sporting Goods. All four are black so they will match whatever overtop I wear, no matter what. And it won’t show sweat as much, hopefully.


That’s a lot of money. And I guess this is where I need to write everything out so I can figure out what it is I feel because right now there is tightness in my chest. Like I’m waiting for someone to berate me for my actions, because I feel I deserve to be berated I guess.


I bought new biking shorts, new workout shoes, a new bike helmet, a new headlight for the bike, the bandanas, and now a new phone, new armband, along with new over and under tops.


Lets not forget my half of the PS4. Oh, while I’m at it, lets add in the registration fee for the Warrior Dash as well as the cost for my Maya Certification test.


That’s a lot of indulging. That a lot of stuff that I didn’t legitimately need, except maybe the headlight.


This is where if I were listening to someone else explain their situation, I would be supportive. I would remind them of all of the things they had gone through, how often they decided not to buy something in the past. How often they actually are financially responsible and diligent, and how all of their financial obligations are still being covered even with the extra spending.


I would tell them they are investing in themselves and that while it might seem like a lot of money, if they have the money to spend, and they’re spending it on being a better them, then it’s money well spent. It’s money that’s going towards another goal that they’re passionate about. It’s something that will lead to feelings of fulfillment and accomplishment, better health, emotionally, spiritually, as well as physically. It’s going towards something they legitimately want to do and can have pride in. How is any of that a bad thing?


But what about being responsible and paying off debt? Shouldn’t debt come first before fun, before myself?


As long as you are meeting your payments then I don’t see anything wrong with it. If you can fulfill all of your obligations you should be allowed to get the things you want without feeling guilty for it.


And this is the main issue I have. Because I’m not someone else sitting on the sother side of the table explaining my situation over lunch, I have to feel guilty. I’m me. I’m Jupiter and Saturn mixed together. I’m a Sagittarius Capricorn cusp who happens to be an INFJ HSP. I couldn’t get more conflicted if I tried.


I see both sides. I can see how this was irresponsible and how I could have made due with the things I had. I can remember how I complained and whined and cried and raged over having to buy Zane ice cream two months ago. Or how my body would tense whenever I would think about having to purchase something that wasn’t on the shopping list. How going out to eat was a point of contention because I would be the only person paying and how it felt like I was bleeding out money only to have date night ruined by fighting.


And yet here I am buying a techy arm gadget and dropping over $200 on workout stuff… again…


Um… I’m pretty sure that’s hypocrisy. Just tossing that out there for you to maul over and feel bad about because you don’t deserve to feel good about all of the nifty things you just bought because you didn’t really need to buy them. The helmet Frank gave you might not have been super sporty, or an actual bike helmet, but it was a helmet and it would have worked fine for the rest of forever. You didn’t need to drop $60 on a new one. That’s six trips worth of ice cream, gone, on one item. And you can’t even justify that it was a need, because it wasn’t. It was purely an esthetic want that you indulged in.


I’m conflicted over this. I do feel like it’s an investment. I feel like I’m serious about my race. I think of the days where I only bike 7 miles as my “off” days. I look at my RunKeeper and if my miles are under 30 I feel like I’m slacking off. I beat Zane at arm wrestling last night, which I couldn’t do before. I’m starting to think about going into the Army again, once my second degree is done.


I feel like I’m worth investing in, especially if I’m going to get my money’s worth out of it. Having roughly a week’s work of tops means I won’t have to worry about having laundry done every three days so I have clean stuff to bike in. And I don’t want to half ass it. If I’m going to spend money I want quality stuff that won’t crap out on me. I know and trust the Lucy tops. I’ve had one for over a year and it’s been amazing. It’s my favorite top out of the ones I have. I know that even though they’re expensive, they’re worth the money.


I want to feel confident in my decision, rather than like I have to justify why I did it. I want to not feel like I’m going to be yelled at, or told that I’m selfish, and irresponsible, and impulsive. I want to feel like I didn’t do a bad thing. And there’s a part of me who is confident and secure in my choices and who feels my reasons are legit and that it doesn’t matter what other people think.


But there is another part of me who is insecure and nervous, and worried, and guilty feeling. I don’t deserve new things. I don’t deserve pretty and shiny and new, and I definitely do not deserve the amount that has been spent on me recently.


I don’t regret my choice. I just wish that the thought of explaining my choice to someone didn’t make part of me cringe like a beaten dog.


I don’t think there’s anything I can really do at the moment other than wait. The bandanas aren’t here yet. I had to wait 24 hours for the adhesive on the phone case to set, so I couldn’t go running today, not that I would have since I ran yesterday, but lifting could have happened. The Lucy tops won’t be here until the end of the week-ish. Maybe next week due to the holidays.


I can’t prove that it was an investment because I’m just sitting here doing nothing other than typing on my computer. Yep… totally getting a work out in as I scroll through the Internet…


How do you know when you’re being too harsh with yourself? On the flip side, how do you know when you’re being too lax? How do you know if something is a good choice or not. The right choice?


And I guess that helps me a little bit. There isn’t really good or bad. There are simply choices, and I have made the ones I felt lined up with what I want and what my priorities are.


I am serious about my race. I am serious about becoming a better me. And I don’t want something silly like feelings of denial and unworthiness to detract from my motivation.


I keep telling myself “later”. It’s almost like it’s been my mantra. I can have those things later. I can get my tattoos later. I can have new clothes later, after I’ve made “serious” progress. I can have my rewards later. Always later.


Well. It’s later, damnit. And my rewards are pushing me forward to another goal. Another accomplishment I have wanted for years. Another thing I will be able to hold my head slightly higher, stand slightly straighter as I say I achieved it. Scratched it off my bucket list. My first 5k mud obstacle of awesomeness.


We’ll see how long this pep talk lasts. I give it five minutes. XD


And since I’m still rambling… there’s a sensitive, girly, frail part of me that is pleased that Zane mentioned the changes. That he’s noticed. That he likes it. I was never doing this for him. But there are warm feelings with knowing that it pleases him. It does add motivation to my already pretty set determination. And that’s another thing I’m not sure how I feel about. But that’s something to ramble through another time. The main thing is that I acknowledge having those feelings and that they need to be processed at some point.


So yeah, I got pretty much a new wardrobe yesterday. I’m still conflicted over my choices, but less conflicted than I was. I want other people to approve of my choice. I want someone else, someone on the outside, to validate my actions, when really I should only look to myself for acceptance. It’s my money, my choices, my goals, and, ultimately, my consequences. I shouldn’t be concerned about what other people think. I should be concerned with what I think.


Do I like the things I bought?




Ok. We’re done here.


Moving on.


If only it were that easy to drop the conflictedness inside myself. XD


I actually didn’t get around to having my hair bleached yesterday. I never made it back to Fedex either. I spent way more time on the armband / shopping adventure than I had originally intended so by the time I was checking out at the store I already had a message from Zane saying he was hungry and a little worried about me. I had been gone for close to four hours.


I had sent him a message earlier, just something cute saying I was messaging him on my spiffy new phone (which I love by the way). But he never replied to it. That’s most likely because I messaged his old number and not his new one… my bad random stranger for messaging your phone…


So there was a bit of miscommunication due to both of our phones still being in the process of being set up. I still need to set up my new voice mail. I’m sure we’ll right into other slight hiccups that we’ll smooth over, but nothing major has happened so far, and nothing happened to tarnish our night. I said I was on my way home and that as soon as I got there we could head out for dinner, which is what we did.

Hannah was our server, and it was actually a pretty enjoyable experience. The three of us chatted as she had time to. Since she was still at work she had other tables to take care of, but she was extremely kind, and as I said, the experience was a positive one.


At the end of dinner I asked Hannah if it would be ok to send her a friend request on Facebook, which she seemed completely fine with. Zane arrange to meet with her Sunday afternoon to get situated for taking care of her cat while she is out of town for the holidays, and that was that.


We came home where we found out one of John’s cats had gotten into our room and marked our comforter… again… Another thing I’m looking forward to with February. Not having territory BS with cats and our room being the battlefield.


Zane was upset when we found out about the blanket, and understandably so, since his blanket was the only thing marked. He directed that frustration towards me since I was the one who had left the door open. That sort of stung, but we ended up being ok and the night still ended well.


I went to sleep before Zane did, waking up when he came to bed, which meant I got to go out to the living room and play on the PS4 for a bit. There is a game called Entwined that I have played through once before, on the PS3 when RB had bought the game for me.


I loved that game. And still do. Zane and I bought it in the morning before going to get the bike and I played through a handful of the levels so he could see what the game was like. He said it looked cool but that he most likely wouldn’t play it. He thinks he would do badly at it since it’s more of a reflex game, but he said he had a great appreciation for the art style and that he was happy I enjoyed it so much.


I played through a bit of the challenge mode after I woke up, getting up to roughly 120 something. I need 180 to unlock the next challenge level. I was never able to get that high when I played the game with RB. I’m not sure what the chances of getting that high now are. I’m ok with playing through the story mode, though. Only three more levels to go before I beat the game.


So that was my Friday. Lots of stuff. Lots of internal things I still need to straighten out with myself, but overall I’m happy with it.