I missed writing yesterday, but yesterday night sucked so I’m sort of glad I didn’t write until Zane and I had a chance to talk.
Friday started with breakfast and a shower then it was off to work. I was there early again. Mmmm, quiet break rooms. ❤
I made my to-do list, checked my personal and work email. I typed up a message that I needed to print for another cross stitch I was going to put into the mail later that day. I also signed the back of said cross stitch with a special message. : 3
I re-entered all of my classes into the Career Path system. Hopefully I did it right this time. I haven’t gotten an email about it being wrong yet, so there’s that. I posted my blog, which was late, but it got posted. I set up my laptop for grading since the CRI1 class just had a submission. There’s 16 projects this month for me to go through. After only having 8 or so for so long it seems like a lot.
I wanted to get through most of the grading on Friday, but I didn’t.
By the time I got setup it was time to head home. The chain on the bike started skipping really bad. To the point that I almost got off the bike and walked it home because it was so frustrating.
I figured I would go home, eat since I was super hungry, and switch the front tires on the two bikes to see if I could take the other one to the post office.
I felt pretty savvy for switching the tires without incident. I didn’t make it out of the parking lot before running into another issue… Could I not have a black thumb when it comes these bikes? >.<;
The right side pedal on Frank’s bike wasn’t tight enough and kept slipping. It wouldn’t fall off or anything, but it would spin under my foot while I tried to pedal and made a pretty awful grinding noise every so often. I figured out how to bike with it being weird since I didn’t have tools to fix it, but it wasn’t a fun ride.
I made it to the post office and back and was pretty done with bikes for a while. I cooked the Sriracha chicken and had part of that to eat because I was hungry again.
I ended up taking a nap after that. Zane came home. At some point Trevor had put the mail under our door and I hadn’t noticed, most likely because I was unconscious. There was a check from my brother for his portion of the storage unit payment for the past three months. Yay!
Zane’s check wasn’t in the mail, though. And that’s were things got really bad. He was angry. Understandably so. He had wanted to pay for the groceries. He had wanted to take us out for lunch the next day. He had wanted to order all of his motorcycle parts and open a bank account…
Pretty much his whole weekend had hinged on getting his check, and that didn’t happen.
We ended up fighting. It wasn’t a breakup fight, but it was really rough. He kept thinking I was mad, when really I was more hurt than anything, until the end, which is where I became super pissed. I ended up going out to my car because he came into the bedroom twice when I wanted space. After some time had passed and I had cooled off I messaged him asking if we could talk. He never replied though, so I went to school. I pushed the couch in the break room up against he wall and ended up sleeping there for a few hours. I was worn out from the fighting. At 1 in the morning on a Saturday I doubted that anyone was going to be showing up to ask questions.
I woke up around 3:30 and went back home. Zane was on the couch in the living room. I went to the room, crawled into bed and pretty much instantly fell back asleep.
At 8:30 I woke up. I was thinking clearer but still felt angry and hurt. It was one of those situations where things were seriously not ok and they had to be talked about. I typed up my issues. A nice bulleted list. I then looked deeper into why I felt those things and wrote that out, too.
I sent Zane the list saying that this was my attempt to try to communicate rationally. We aren’t ok. This is what I feel and why.
I said that I felt like he had called me a liar, that he didn’t think I handled my work issues properly, that when I had expressed my need for closeness it had been ignored, and that he had abused his power which was the only thing last night that had made me angry. Everything else had hurt and that was lame, but the power play made me furious and I know that I gave into that anger. I had wanted to feel heat more than I wanted to feel the coldness or hurt.
I felt better after writing the email, but exhausted again at the same time. I went back to sleep. Zane ended up waking me up and made me go out to the living room so we could cuddle on the couch wrapped up in the blanket together. I cried a little bit because I’m an INFJ. It felt safe and warm, and he reassured me that he wasn’t angry with my message.
We ended up finding out that my first message, the one asking if we could talk, never made it to his phone. We compared screens and everything. Even though mine said it sent properly, his phone never got the message. So while I had felt like he was ignoring me, he thought I as giving him the silent treatment.
We talked about the whole situation. He let me know what his issues were with last night, aside from not getting his check. It felt good to talk to each other while he held me. It felt a lot more rational and level headed than last night, which was nothing but anger, as justified as it might have been.
We ended up going to the bank so I could deposit my check then went to Papa John’s to pick up two pizzas. Zane had a promotion for a free one, so it wasn only $10 for both of them.
We went back home and watched a couple episodes of The Flash. After that I went back to sleep. I woke up, chilled in the living for about 15 minutes then went back to sleep, decided that being awake was too much effort, then went back to the room to sleep more.
Before my second nap I mentioned how I didn’t have motivation to do much of anything, but that I felt restless on the inside of my skin. I wanted to do something worthwhile and productive with my day, but I didn’t have it in me to actually do anything. Zane said he felt the same way.
When I woke up again I had a cup of coffee which helped clear out some of the sleepiness.
I mentioned how today was the first day that I didn’t have a massive endorphin rush first thing in the morning, and that I wondered if that had anything to do with apathetic mood I was in. I had originally planned to go to kickboxing, but didn’t make it there. The emotional conflict I’m sure didn’t help my energy levels any. I felt drained and hollow. Not really depressed, just empty.
Eventually I ended up going back to the room to start grading. I needed to jump-start myself with something. I knew if I got something, anything, accomplished that I would most likely feel better.
Zane ended up coming in and saying that I was off the hook for socializing tonight. We didn’t have much in the way of Halloween plans, but Uke was supposed to come over to watch movies with us. Possibly drink. But plans ended up changing to include Trevor, Danielle, and Bobby. Way more people than I had agreed to, and I was already sort of edgy about hanging out with just Uke.
I was super grateful that Zane didn’t hold me to the social obligations. I showered, something else that helped make me feel way better, then came into work. I’ve been upstairs for most of the night grading, but I’ve gotten all of it done. I’ve stitched a little bit. I’ll most likely go back to it since the party is still going on at the apartment. Or start work on the second assignment for SAL. Not sure yet.
But… I have already made my to-do list for tomorrow and I’ve figured out most of the main tasks I want to get done next week. Tomorrow and Monday are the most fleshed out. I’m sure as the week goes on I’ll have a better idea of what I’ll be able to do.
Today wasn’t a wash and I got stuff done eventually.