Musing Moment 0071: Being Brave


Day 20 – The Uncomfortable Assignment

Today can suck. As can most of the days in this challenge that require brutal honesty with ourselves.

Be honest about the things you say to yourself. Be honest about the relationships in your life. Be honest about how you spend your time.

The truth can be pretty shitty sometimes, but that doesn’t stop it from being true. From being our actual reality. Turning a blind eye to it, ignoring it, doesn’t change anything.

Today is another one of those days.

Today we have to admit to the one thing we’ve been avoiding. That one conversation we’ve been putting off. That one task that keeps getting transferred to tomorrow’s to-do list.

What is that task? Why do we keep avoiding it? What would happen if we just confronted it and got it out of the way?

That’s today. Uncomfortable ickiness, like ripping off a Band-Aid that’s been left on for too long. We know that once it’s off we will be able to clean the wound, get rid of any infection that’s there, and heal properly. But that initial pain sucks. We don’t want to do it.

That’s understandable. Everyone can related to that, empathize with that. But things won’t get better, things won’t change, unless we go through the pain.

So, here we are, at day 20. Only 10 more days to go. And we have to own up to the major thing we were hoping to skate by on. So much lame, right?

I know what mine is. I feel shallow and small for it. I feel like it’s not fair of me because it has to do with the relationship I have with Zane. It’s part of the conversation we had last night, and part of what I’m supposed to be reflecting on.

He has been talking to someone, another girl, and I keep feeling insecure about it. We’re in an open relationship. I’ve been ok with this in the past, so I’m not sure why I’m not ok with it now.

He was texting with her on his phone last night during the game, which bothered me. He mentioned before if I ever started dating someone that he would be upset if the new person started intruding on Zane’s time with me. I felt like that’s what was happening last night.

Zane gets upset with other people play on their phones during the game, checking Facebook, chatting with other people. Why is it ok for him to do it?

In my head it’s not, especially since I’m part of the game as a way to spend time with him. I don’t think it’s fair to be chatting up another prospect when I’m taking time out of my Sunday to do something geared towards us. That’s her intruding on my time with him, and that’s not ok according to the rules we have in place for our dynamic.

I’m worried that the sexual side of our relationship will suffer. It has already been established that I want sexual interaction more than he does, which is a common theme through most of my relationships and something I have learned to accept. I’m worried that if he does pursue other people that we will interact even less because what little intimate interaction I do receive will be split with someone else now.

I’m worried about being alone. I’m worried that he will want to start bringing people home even though we agreed that home was a safe spot.

Basically there’s a bunch of worry and that’s an infection within myself that I need to address. With Zane. We need to talk and make sure that certain boundaries are still in place and discuss how things will change. We need to talk about how the boundaries we do have need to be respected and not crossed.

The girl he is talking to now has already stated she only wants to be friends. Possibly flirting, but nothing sexual at the moment. That should alleviate the worry I feel, but it doesn’t because that doesn’t solidify any of the safety measures that Zane and I have in place for our dynamic. Because he and I haven’t talked and reaffirmed things between us I still feel insecure about my place in his world.

I don’t want to have this conversation. I don’t want to admit to him that ever since the beginning of our relationship, while it has been “open” has also been monogamous. Neither of us has actively entertained other relationships while we have been together, and it’s been sort of nice. I’ve gotten comfortable with what we have, and now things might change and I’m worried about that change.

I don’t want to get hurt, and this conversation is going to bring up a lot of emotions, a lot of memories. It’s going to put the spotlight on things that I don’t want to own up to or admit to feeling. I don’t want to accidentally hurt or upset Zane. But if I leave my feelings in the dark they are just going to fester and undermine the awesomeness that I do have with him.

We’re not perfect, but we’re pretty damn good. And it’s not fair, to either of us, for my lack of communication to potentially destroy what we have. After everything we have been through in the past four months we deserve better than that.

So… there it is. My uncomfortable task. Talking. Communicating. Admitting.

I know that by doing this I will be being strong. Courageous even. But thinking about doing it makes me feel weak and scared. I don’t want to mess things up. It sucks and I don’t want to do it. But I know I’m going to because I want us to be ok. We deserve to be ok.


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