A lot happened after my last post. Good stuff, but after such a taxing morning, “more stuff” still felt like too much, even if it was good.
I talked to my mom during my break. I didn’t cry. Go me. Massive, uncountable amounts of points added to my score board.
She’s “fine”. She had an embolic stroke, which is where part of a clot breaks off and stops blood flow in the brain. She still can’t feel her pinky and ring finger on her right hand, and the rest of her hand has impaired motor function. The doctors think with physical therapy she can get full feeling and functionality back.
When looking at the bigger picture the situation isn’t all that bad. They are going to do tests to see if they can find out where the clot is at. Removing it might take surgery. They’re also going to do tests to see if it is something hereditary since my grandmother also had strokes towards the end of her life. She wasn’t as cooperative with doctors though, so there’s actually not a lot of information to go on other than that.
One of the things my mom said was she knew that I wanted to be told that everything was ok, and that it would never happen again, and she said she couldn’t give me that.
I knew she couldn’t. That doesn’t stop it from being the only thing I want. Literally, the only thing I can think of that would make any of this ok is to be promised that she will be ok, and no one can give me that without it being a lie. I knew my mom was mortal. I knew in the darkest, furthest reaches in my brain that one day something scary would happen, and even further back, further down, I know one day she won’t be here anymore.
But in the forefront of my brain I still see my mom as Super Mom. She’s my hero who will always get back up, who will always be there, no matter what. It sucks. All of this sucks, and even though I made it through yesterday without incident, I’m still angry, hurt, and scared. There’s still this sense of unfairness in my chest when I think about the situation. And how there’s no person, no thing, to take that anger out on.
I can’t yell at someone. I can’t flex my awesome kickboxing moves and beat the crap out of this person who keeps picking on the people in my life. It’s life being itself. They’re just facts and pieces of irrefutable information. It sucks. I don’t want to handle it gracefully. I don’t want to be strong and stoic. I want to be angry and irrational and rage at something. But there’s nothing. Nothing but air, and so I would be yelling at myself essentially. Raging at emptiness.
I told her that Clavan already gave me the green light to go be with her if she needed. We’re going to wait to see what the doctors come back with and then go from there. She was supposed to leave to go to Vegas in December, so really it’s just figuring out what to do for the month of November. Maybe this will give me a reason to do something for Thanksgiving. I had planned to stay in Florida doing a bunch of nothing.
The second lab ended up being canceled. Clavan came in and said that the Props ceremony was later that night, and if the students were ok with working at home, we would mark them for attendance and let them go early.
I kept getting the emails about Props, and how it was coming up and I should RSVP and blah blah blah… but with how disenchanted I have been with work I haven’t cared. I haven’t tried to get the award again this year. And after everything else that happened Tuesday spontaneous combustion had a higher chance of happening when compared to the chances of getting me to stay for a work focused social event.
I gave the students the choice, letting them know that I would be online for most of the evening, so if they ran into issues they could message me and we would figure out the problem. Everyone was ok with leaving. One of the girls asked me what I wanted, so I explained that I would really appreciate going home because I had some rough news earlier in the day.
When she politely inquired about it I said that it wasn’t that big of a deal to be honest, but that my mom’s healthy was really important to me, so I was having a hard time with the information.
She was super apologetic, but said she completely understood.
I didn’t have any messages that night after I biked home, so I guess they either didn’t work on their homework, or didn’t have issues. I’ll find out later today.
Because I was able to leave early it was still light outside when I biked home. A fairly enjoyable ride.
When I got home I showered. I cried in the dark for a little bit, sitting alone in the living room. It was the first time all day that I had been alone, and I didn’t care any more. I cried. I let go of all of those emotions that I had been trying to control. I thought all of those dark, depressing thoughts, acknowledging them, accepting them. Hating them, but at the same time understanding them.
When I was cried out I was exhausted. Zane came home. We talked about it since I never messaged him back. He told me about his day. He was able to get a bank account. Woohoo.
We stayed home the rest of the night. Nothing much happened. I think we watched a few episodes of The Flash. We ended up going to sleep, and that was the end of Tuesday.
Wednesday started super early. I woke up and had breakfast before heading straight to the gym. I had a meeting with Terri to get set up on the machines. My range of motion was off for almost half of them. It felt so much better once the settings were changed. I didn’t do a full workout. I wanted to shower and get to work instead, but I’m looking forward to when I actually start doing reps again.
I got information about personal training as well. It’s only $25 per session at the YMCA, with no initial $200 fee. So that will most likely happen. Terri is awesome, and I think she’ll be able to not only point me down the road I want to go, but help keep me on it.
I have four free wellness meetings with my membership. Fixing the machine settings counted as one of them. I want to use another to sit with Terri and talk about my goals and figure out what the best plan of action would be, and then go from there.
So I need to message her today to figure that out.
I’m officially signed up for my certification test on the 13th. That’s a little scary. It’s not just a nebulous thing anymore. It’s for real.
I created a template for my Weekly Sage posts. I still want to play around with it a bit, but overall I think I like it. I changed up the location of a few things. Still working on some of the fonts. It’s moving in a forward direction.
I also had to get screen shots of my Lynda.com training. I forgot that those tutorials count towards my Continuing Education for work. I only need 16 hours total. With my classes I’m already at 47ish. With the additional training I’m looking at another 8ish hours. I think I’m doing pretty good and that I deserve my raise… Especially since my department chair sent out an email saying that as a whole our department was super low in this area with most people having zero hours of training.
I’m apparently one of three people who has completed all of my hours. I’m pretty sure I’m the only person who’s over tripled their quota.
I stitched a little bit, but by then it was time to head home. I packed up, changed back into my biking gear then actually headed to the bank. I needed to get money for the laundry card since it’s empty.
That meant I biked roughly 15 miles yesterday. By the time I got home I was pretty done with moving around. I didn’t even have it in me to walk down to the office to do anything with the money I had just gotten. That involved stairs, and people, and things, and stuff, and none of that was going to happen.
Instead I camped out in the living room and began working on the Assignment 2 activity for Shading and Lighting. It’s a complete disaster. I’m surprised the students are able to get anything done. I would be going on a murderous rampage if this was all I had been given and then released on my own and told to figure it out.
I have a block out for the podcasts I want to make to support the activity. And then the two workflow podcasts showing how to go about working with the files provided. There’s also some Lynda training that is being referenced in the activity that I might sit and watch. I think it’s only about 16 minutes or so.
The reading would be good to do as well.
That’s all stuff for tomorrow though. Tomorrow is my day off since I work Saturday. But it’s also a day that no one will be home. Perfect time to podcast. If I can at least get everything captured then I can edit when / where ever.
I need to make a template for the pdfs I plan to create for the assignments and projects, but that’s just taking the file I have for the first assignment and cleaning it out a bit. I think the over all structure is solid enough to work for everything. We’ll see.
I laid down for a little bit after that. I didn’t have it in me to start actually working after completing the brainstorming. Zane came home. We ordered new shisha flavors online. He’s going to look at the bike parts either tonight or tomorrow. Some point in the near future.
We watched Corpse Bride last night. Not really sure why. We’ve both seen it, and it’s actually not my favorite stop animation movie. But it was nice. I went to sleep after that, waking up at 2am wide awake. I went out to the living room to keep my tossing and turning to myself. I fell back asleep eventually, but it was a light sleep.
I shaved Zane’s head when he got up this morning. We had a bit of time together before he left for work, but that’s been about it for today. Nothing has happened other than having coffee, taking some DayQuil, and writing my blog.
I did check most of my personal email. I got a message saying my second cross stitch gift made it to its destination. That made me smile and has helped the morning. Not that it was bad, but it has started off in a positive direction, which I’m grateful for.
When the office opens I plan to go down and add the $20 to the laundry card and to do laundry while I’m here. I don’t think I’m going to the gym. Yesterday I was already over 40 miles for the week which is what I did in total for each of the past two weeks. I’m feeling pretty good about taking today “off” since I’m still going to get six miles in by biking to work.
I’m most likely going to stitch. Or go back to sleep. I don’t need to cook anything. I don’t need to go anywhere. And while I do have work I can work on, I’m going to be physically at work for 8 hours. I don’t feel like doing more or over achieving at the moment.
Nope. I’m going to enjoy being a slacker. So I’m going to go do slacker things.