Monday was a crazy busy day that ended with fighting with Zane, which resulted in me giving zero fucks about writing. And Tuesday morning continued on with the bad feels which left me exhausted by the time I got home from my mentally brutal day. So once again writing got the short end of the stick, especially since I left my computer at school so I wouldn’t have to bike home with it since Trevor and Zane still haven’t figured out the bike rack yet.
Monday started off pretty good. I had breakfast. I went to the gym. I was supposed to meet with Terri, but she was sick and ended up cancelling on Sunday night. I was ok with that. I figured I would meet with her on Wednesday, and that starting out with one training session a week was better than trying to go for two and sucking hardcore on the second one. I’m still biking to work as well, so I want to factor that into my “workout” times. It’s not just strength. I have 8ish miles of cardio everyday too that I need to be able to do.
So yeah, no training, but I went and did all of the upper body machines, which was a pretty good burn. I totally felt it Tuesday, that’s for sure. I only did one set on each of the machines, but it came out to about 4,500 pounds lifted in total.
The locks are still busted at work so I had to wait about 30 minutes for security to get over to me and unlock the door so I could finally get inside to have food and water. Much lame. I super hope it gets fixed soon. Not being able to get to my stuff really bothers me, and adds 30 minutes to my routine which should only take about 5 minutes.
I forgot to use RunKeeper for my ride from the gym to the school, but lucky I have set up all of the different rides I’ve done as routes, so I was able to add the ride easily to my tracker.
Once I got set up in the Shading and Lighting lab I emptied my computer trashcan which hasn’t been done in a while. I went through my personal email and got caught up on that, most notably was the challenge writing that I didn’t do over the weekend.
I wrote my daily post to recap the weekend. That took a bit of time since so much happened, especially on Sunday what with all of my shopping adventures and stuff.
I started working on my weekly recap, but wasn’t able to finish it before going to a meeting with Bre and Clavan. They have started a little group with a few other people to show things they are tinkering with. Clavan is making a mini arcade system and had all of the buttons and joy sticks for it. He even had the wooden box that is going to house all of the components. He let Bre and I plug some of the connections in so we could see how easy it was to wire everything up. It was really nifty.
Bre is working with something called a lily pad. It’s basically lights that you can stitch into fabric, which is why she really wanted me to come to this meeting. They actually worked the meeting around my schedule so I could be there.
Bre is trying to prototype the lily pad to read from a heart rate monitor. That way the lights pulse with a person’s heart. She is going to incorporate it into a costume she is making for a cosplayer. I can’t wait to see what she does with it. I think it’s a great idea and that it has a lot of potential.
That took a while though, and to be honest I felt a bit out of place. I don’t have anything ‘techy’ that I’m working on. I cross stitch, and while, yeah, I could use the lily pad to make my designs cooler, like adding lights for the eyes of my dragons and stuff, I sort of don’t want to. I like that my main craft at the moment doesn’t have any tech in it at all. It lets me unplug and not worry about higher level thinking. I appreciate Bre thinking about be, but I don’t think I’m really going to explore that avenue anytime soon, and part of me feels bad about that.
I left after about 30 minutes so I could get food. I went to Crispers for soup again. I called my mom so we could chat for a bit. She’s doing well. My older brother’s dog has a mass on his lungs, so he’s not doing all that hot. I had a department meeting to discuss the changes going on at school that I had to get to, so I told my mom I would call her back with details on that. I also told her about signing up for the Warrior Dash officially, which she already knew about because Facebook can’t keep secrets… And how I was nervous about my certification exam this Friday.
But yeah, that was a nice little chat.
I went to the meeting which was a lot of being talked at, rather than open, collaborative discussion. It felt like a waste of time. “This is what the change is. This is what the change isn’t. You have to make new content to support this change because we’re not going back to the way things were.”
There was no apology for the lack of communication. There was no apology for leaving us in the dark and unprepared for this.
It was “Suck it up and soldier on.”
The roll out for this change was so bad that they are going and changing what it is called since “Blended Learning” has a negative connotation to it… No shit it does. The students had no forewarning that the whole system was going to change. You haven’t provided any statistical proof that this change will be beneficial, and the classes were so unprepared for it that this whole month has been a giant cluster fuck.
Yes. I want an apology, an official one, from the school, not my supervisor, or his supervisor, or even his supervisor’s supervisor. I want one from the president admitting that this was a fuck up. I want one not only for myself and the unneeded stress it has caused me, but also for my co-workers, who happen to be friends and family members to me. You don’t get to screw with the people I care about and not piss me off. This isn’t fair, and this isn’t the first time that it’s happened.
And we still don’t have a full sized fridge for our food, so don’t sit there and say that the school “cares about it’s staff” when it clearly doesn’t. It’s like it goes out of it’s way to pick on us to see how far it can push everyone before they go postal or quit. Seriously, these changes make me think of a kid with a magnifying glass torching ants for fun. It’s not cool, and I’m tired of getting burned.
Now that that’s out of my system.
That’s how my day at work ended. And to top it off it looked super stormy outside and I was worried about getting caught in some typical torrential Florida down pour. So I ended up leaving my backpack at school and biking home literally as fast as my poor worn out legs would let me.
I showered and ate once I got home. Not surprisingly it didn’t rain at all.
Zane had messaged me asking if I wanted to go out for sushi. Technically he was supposed to pay for the dinner with Dan and Rachel last week, but since he check didn’t come in on time, I ended up covering it. He wanted to take me out for a nice night on his dime.
I was down for that.
So when he got home I had already and the clothes put away and was dressed so we headed out. We had the same server we have gotten the past few times we have gone. She’s super nice and is actually a student at the school. I found out she’s in the creative writing degree.
Since she’s sort of nerdy Zane had invited her to the Pathfinder game he was supposed to run last Saturday but she ended up being busy and was unable to go.
Zane was flirting super hard with her. I didn’t have a problem with it when it was light and playful in the beginning, but the more it went on the more uncomfortable I felt. The more third wheel-ish I guess. And I was super tired while they were both being social. I wanted a quiet dinner and to go home and sleep. Not to feel stuck watching him chat up another girl.
I don’t mind Zane looking for other chicks. I really don’t. And I feel like I keep saying that and then coming back with clauses and fine print. But if you’re going to take me out and make it seem like a date then please don’t try to pick up someone else?
Zane ended up getting really upset with me when I wanted to leave. It carried over into Tuesday morning which resulted in an email from him saying that I’m manipulative, and jealous, and that he didn’t want to talk to me about it when he got home because he knew that I would deny it.
He made a lot of statements in his email that hurt. A lot. And I spent a majority of my morning crying. His words felt like slash marks across my chest. At the end he listed off events that were going to happen once I got home. It felt like an ultimatum. If I couldn’t provide this perfect night then we would be over, or we would fight more.
All of this before my eight hour shift which I still had to bike to get to, and then bike back from, on my “hard” day. I had to be this perfect, social, happy person when I all I really wanted to do was stay at school curled up one of the desks because at least there it’s quiet. At least here I can seclude myself away and not have to answer questions, or listen to someone ask me over and over again if I’m ok when I’m fine, but I guess I’m doing something wrong because there’s this need to ask “are you ok?”
I didn’t want to go home. At all. Even before I left home I was dreading having to come back.
Even Clavan noticed that I was down, commenting on that I was quieter than normal. I said I was tired and then deflected further concern by asking about how lecture went.
I cross stitched for most of the first lab. My shift last night actually wasn’t all that bad. I wonder if everyone was picking up on how not ok I was. I got all of the stitching for Clavan’s project done along with figuring out the lettering and stitching that. So all that is left is the backstitching around the dragons now. I want to get that done today, but we’ll see.
During the second lab I was able to finish working through the exam booklet for my certification test on Friday. I’m nervous about it. I still want to find some forums and get as much insider information as possible before I take it. I also want to email my contact again to make sure I don’t need to bring anything with me other than money and my first born child since my student loans already took my soul…
I’m glad that I was able to get through all of the booklet though. I had been worried that I wouldn’t have the time this week to do it, which would only add to my anxiety over the test. I would have felt unprepared, but I’ve done everything that I’m “supposed” to do to prep for it.
I did end up going home instead of staying at school and hiding. Zane had made the cheddar broccoli soup, so when I got home I showered, ate, and after we talked for a bit went to sleep.
Even though in his email he said he wouldn’t mention anything about it, how he had said his peace, he did bring it up.
When he asked if I had anything I wanted to say I said no. Because I honestly don’t right now. I feel like if I say anything I’ll be being “manipulative”. I said I was sorry. And that was it. I didn’t want to engage in much of anything last night, which is why I went to sleep so early. I was done. When I’m asleep it doesn’t hurt.
He wanted to cuddle and touch, but I didn’t. I felt hurt still. And he was the source of the hurt this time. It wasn’t the situation. It wasn’t finances. It was him. His words. It was a pain I hadn’t thought I would feel and I guess that’s what made it so hard that morning reading his email. I didn’t think I would ever feel those feelings in this dynamic. I thought it was different, but it doesn’t feel different right now. It’s sobering.
Zane woke me up around midnight. I couldn’t get back to sleep so I went out to the living room. The space was nice. Being alone was nice. Emotional silence. Eventually I was able to go back to sleep. My alarm went off at 5:45 so I could unload the dishwasher, then load it again. The kitchen was a disaster and I left it that way last night. Too bad I need a clean kitchen to cook my breakfast.
This morning Zane slept in a bit instead of waking up to cook his breakfast and lunch. He said he was going to buy stuff today. That meant that we didn’t interact much this morning.
And since I want to write a daily post for today I guess that’s where I’ll end my recap so I have a clear line of where to start writing tonight.
I’m still hurt. But it’s more of a bruised feeling right now. I feel like his email changes things. I feel like I’ve been pushed away and so now I want to stay distant. An observer. A by stander. A roommate. I don’t feel like being close right now and that’s going to cause a downward spiral where I don’t provide what he wants / needs so he go elsewhere for it, which makes me pull further away. And maybe this is all inside of my head, but right now I am in a very detached spot where I sort of don’t care.
When I think about the situation I remember the email. I remember how it hurt to see that he thinks I’m not letting him have friends. How he said I lie about being jealous. How he dictated how last night was going to go rather than saying he would like it if it played out that way. It had to go his way or else sort of a vibe. I remember negativity right now, and I associate the room, the apartment, with that negativity because that’s where I was when I read the email. I associate the negativity with him because it was him, his words.
It makes me wonder if I am manipulative and jealous. Is it too much to ask to not see you trying to court someone else when I thought we were on a date? And maybe that’s my fault. Maybe it was just us hanging out as buds. That it wasn’t a date, and I have this silly romantic notion inside my head. Maybe the issue is me.
It makes me think about how he said we were going to break up eventually anyway because that’s what I wanted. I want to end up living alone again. And I do. In my perfect world, my fantasy land where I picture myself in the future, I’m alone. I’m sitting, looking out of a window on a warm summer day, the grass bright green, the sunlight filtering down through oak leaves. I’m breathing in the scent of the earthy world around me. I’m listening to the insects. There aren’t neighbors or kids running round. Just grass and trees, and silence. No other people. That is my calm. That is my peace. And ultimately that’s what I want.
It leaves me feeling that maybe the kinder thing, for both of us, is to end it. He wants to move out to California for Nic anyway. Maybe we should be just roommates since that’s the best part about our dynamic. We function well as a unit when it comes to life stuff. Responsibility, bills, meal planning, chores. We think along the same lines with stuff like that.
Maybe, after reading his email and seeing how he feels like I am stifling him and being unsupportive, it would be better to distance ourselves from the romantic aspect of our dynamic.
All I know is I can’t pretend to feel it. I feel like it was beaten up pretty bad, and if it is even able to recover, that it’s going to take a while. I know that I’m not going to want to go out for sushi with him again. It’s tied too closely with these feelings, which sucks because I actually really liked that place.