I’m back at school, which may seem odd. Why would I want to go back to work? But I’m alone in the break room. It’s quiet. Peaceful. I like that I’m here for the moment. I like that I have time and space to write. So that’s what I’m going to do. Not like I didn’t do enough of that this morning…
This morning started sort of rough, and I think at least half of that roughness had to do with the interaction between Zane and I. And all of this information is mostly likely going to be TMI, but it’s stuff I need to work through, and this blog is how I do that, so I’m not going to apologize for writing. I apologize if the content offends, but not for creating it.
Rated R for sexual content.
So most of yesterday I was low energy, I think mostly from being social, though working out so much might have factored into it slightly. There was a need to feel closeness with Zane. We cuddled for a little bit. I slept with my head in his lap while he played Fallout. We went out and had lunch together. To be completely fair to Zane he was doing awesome with the physical contact, which can sometimes be an issue for us.
He teased me a few times during the day. Nothing overly crazy. Nibbling here and there, a little bit of energy play. Things that I was fine with and that didn’t build the tension too high. It felt mostly playful with a tinge of sexuality.
There was one instance before I went back to sleep the final time where we were alone in the kitchen and it got a bit steamy. It wasn’t playful anymore. I wanted it to go somewhere, lead to things, and in the past we have had issues with the energy getting to that point and it not having a resolution. It just ends.
Those situations leave me feeling very disconnected from Zane, or any partner really. It’s alienating feeling to have a connection with someone, to truly feel them, and then for it to suddenly be gone. Sometimes it feels like the earth is suddenly not there and that I’m falling. Sinking. Most of the time there is a cold sensation as well, like ice in my veins. Other times it feels as if part of me is being ripped away. It’s physically painful, and it makes me not want to reach out or be close to anyone because my brain associates contact with pain. I feel alone afterwards, and drained, as if my energy has been taken but not replaced. If it happens often enough it can lead to depression.
So Zane and I have had issues in the past with this. Being connected and then having all contact stop. No hug, no kiss on the forehead. Just crazy intensity and then nothing.
I was worried that’s what last night was going to be. He held me afterwards though, and whispered in my ear, “When I come to bed.” It was a promise. He keeps his promises, but there was a part of me that ran through all of the past experiences. He was going to be tired, he was going to forget, he wasn’t going to be in the mood later, he was going to fall asleep on the couch. Any number of things.
I nodded trying to control my breathing because the pain was threatening to start. I could feel it wanting to well up inside of my chest. Rejection is part of it. Loneliness. Coldness. Isolation.
He made me look him in the eyes as he said it again, “When I come to bed.” He wanted me to see that he meant it. He wanted me to believe him. To trust him. That helped. Being close to him afterwards helped, too. I wasn’t free falling on my own. He was still there helping me come back down from the sensations.
When he came to bed we did have sex. And this is where I feel like an awful companion. A complicated, finicky, “more hassle than I’m worth” type of person.
Physically it was amazing. It has been a while for us, so there was that. I still want imitate interaction more often than he does, so that adds to the experience on my side of things. There was the build from earlier, too. But that’s all it was. It was only physical and I don’t know how to explain it more than that, and I hate that.
Most of the time, for me, there’s this deep connection, like with the teasing. I can feel the other person in a spiritual sense, not just physically. It’s a connection that’s deeper than the skin, and that connection, that closeness is what I crave. That’s what makes me feel alive and real. Loved. Valued. Energized, motivated, refreshed.
It wasn’t there last night. It felt so shallow, so on the surface. Like treading water when I wanted to dive down into the dark depths and lose myself in the abyss. And while physically it felt good, emotionally and spiritually it was so much less than what I wanted, what I thought was going to happen. What I thought should have happened.
I knew Zane was enjoying it. And that made it enjoyable for me. But then it was over, and I knew that my chance for that connection was over too. That I wouldn’t get it that night, or most likely the next day with the difference in our sex drives. I thought about how he was going to go to sleep now and that even cuddling wasn’t an option because he would fall asleep. It sucked. It hurt, so much.
And as an INFJ all of this makes sense to me. I’m myself, so of course I know how I feel. But I don’t know what it’s like for others. I don’t think wanting a deep connection is something that in inherently “girly” or “weak” or “romantic”. I think it has a lot to do with being a Feeler in the MBTI range. I know of guys who are the same way, as well as other girls. But there are still times, like last night where I feel like if only I was “normal”. If only I could just enjoy something without having to have this deep, weird, spiritual / energy BS that most people look at me like I’m crazy for when I talk about it, then maybe my life would be easier. Less stressful. At least I would have been able to enjoy the experience, which would have been great since it was actually great.
Zane picked up on the fact that I wasn’t ok. Which made him not ok. But we talked about it, and I mentioned how the experience had felt shallow and surface level. How I had been able to feel him, but not connect with him.
I was actually really surprised when he said that he understood, and that he felt like it was his fault.
Me: Wait, wait, wait. I don’t think you understand… This is where you get frustrated with me and we fight and I feel worse and we spiral downward for a while until we have an uber fight and there’s lots of crying and stress involved… You don’t agree with me. And you certainly don’t take the blame… Jeez. Don’t you know your part yet?
He said that because he was so tired he was focusing more on the act itself rather than on me or the pleasure. Hearing that helped actually. It made me feel less crazy.
He had been so set on keeping his promise to me and not further agitating a growing insecurity. Looking back at it now I’m grateful for what he did. He tried and did his best to make me happy and I appreciate that. I appreciate that we talked and that I am able to understand his side of the situation, because that makes it easier to understand where my emotions stemmed from.
Even though the conversation afterwards helped, it didn’t take away the icky feelings and so I ended up staying on the couch for a few hours. Because of the disconnection it didn’t feel right sleeping next to him. When Zane woke up for work I went back to the room with Scarlet and slept until 10:30 which is when I woke up to several messages him from. We talked further. I was happy that I didn’t wake up depressed from the experience, and I think our open communication before I left the room had a lot to do with that. I could so easily have swung into a negative headspace. But instead I was pretty neutral and even though I wasn’t super in line with the Universe this morning, I wasn’t against it either.
I eventually did get up and clean out the fridge before having breakfast and sitting down to write, which also helped. The sun came out of a bit. I thought about going back to sleep, but instead started prepping the food for cooking. And one task at a time I got things done and built up my momentum for the day.
Cut the veggies for the curry. Boil the rice… ok… write down that we need veggie broth from the store since we’re out and can’t boil the rice… Onward to making the salads. Cook the bacon for the breakfast sandwiches. Wash the dishes.
I actually got a lot done in the kitchen, which made me feel good. I didn’t make it to the gym because of that, but I’m alright with how the rest of the day turned out.
With all of the cooking done for the time being I went ahead and had one of the southwestern salads. I think if I had gotten thicker sliced chicken it would have been better, but overall I really enjoyed it. I showered after eating, packed up my stuff, then headed out to work.
The ride was amazing. My legs weren’t sore at all, and I can tell I bike stronger than when I first started almost two months ago. Zane actually made a comment while we were going to sushi Sunday about how he might take his bike back so he could bike to work. That would be 20 miles for him everyday…
I would have to almost double how much I bike. ;-;
So much sad face.
He said it wasn’t a competition… and I know it’s not. But it totally is and if he starts biking I’m going to have to figure out how to get in more miles because I can’t let him win… *evil master mind begins scheming*
I mentioned how if he took his bike back I would go and get a better bike. Not that his is bad. It’s actually pretty awesome. But that whole competition thing that totally isn’t going on… Yeah… He can’t have a better bike than me either. >.<;
I’m not sure if he’s actually serious about doing that. But it has been mentioned.
Lab went well today. I finished filling out my Employment Verification form. Donna didn’t know if my scripts and podcasts could count as experience, but to list them anyway. So I did. I hope they count.
I also asked where I should list my certification since the form was only interested in employment history. I hope she gets back to me about that tomorrow.
I emailed Clavan about using a new model for the class. I went through the rest of my email, and then cross stitched for the rest of lab inbetween answering questions. Super low key and relaxing.
The start of the ride home was hard. It was cold outside and none of me was warmed up even though I literally jumped around to try to warm myself up. It took about a mile before I started really enjoying the ride. But I did end up liking it, which is nice.
As soon as I got home I pretty much headed right back out, with the car this time. I wanted to get to the store before it closed. I wasn’t sure where Zane had put the car keys so he was up for a few seconds to help me find them, but I told him to go back to sleep before I left the room. Trevor and Danielle came into the apartment just as I was getting ready to leave.
They had a handful of grocery bags with them, so I figured they were about to take over the kitchen. Not cool. In fact, extremely lame. I wouldn’t be able to cook. I wouldn’t want to be in the dinning room or living room because I wouldn’t want to be around the noise, and I couldn’t really go to my room and do anything because Zane was asleep. So much lame.
I figured I would go to the store first, since nothing I was getting was a refrigerated / frozen item. Then I could go back to school. I needed to drop off the case of water and the lunch stuff I had bought anyway. While I was there I could write my blog and cross stitch, and so that’s where I’m currently at.
At school, soaking up some solitude, finishing off my productivity before going home to cook dinner, shower, and cuddle up to Zane.
He’s trying to switch his sleep schedule around which is why he is sleeping right now, but one of the messages he sent earlier said that he wanted me to enjoy my night, to take some time to myself, and when I was ready to come to sleep that we would have silent, undistracted, quality cuddles without the tv or a video game. Cuddles where our attention was on each other.
I don’t mind cuddles during a movie or a show, but there’s something different about being together without anything else going on. And it doesn’t seem like that happens very often for us. I know for Zane it can be frustrating. He doesn’t like sitting still. So I know he is doing this to help me. He wants me to feel connected and ok. I know that this is him making an effort and it means so much to me.
I know that gifts are a big thing for him, so while I was at the store I picked him up some breakfast Danishes. He didn’t ask for them, but I don’t think he has anything for breakfasts this week. I’m hoping that he likes the surprise when he wakes up.
Today has been a pretty good day. Even with me being all complicated and INFJ-y and stuff. And even though it isn’t over I’m pretty sure that it will stay a good day.