I wish today wasn’t hard. But it is, and I’m dealing with it.
I don’t feel like going back over yesterday. Maybe I will later, but right now I’m angry and I need to write that out of my system before moving forward. I need these feelings to have some sort of closure before I go to work where I’ll have to interact with people. I need to not set someone’s world on fire just because I have unresolved feelings in my own.
Zane and I still aren’t on the same page so there’s the ickiness with that. I had lunch with Ari, which actually went really well but had it’s own batch of anxiety and worry to add to the day. At least it was the first thing I did… Alright… waking up and showering were the first things… but I didn’t eat or have coffee before having to dash out the door, so in my book, it was the first thing because nothing actually happens before caffeine has been applied to my system.
She wants to hang out and do dinner still. Alone. So far I’ve been able to keep things in a daylight, public setting.
The interaction actually had no sexual vibes or comments at all. It was like we were just friends. She’s going through a rough time herself and is doing some soul searching. She said that she realized she was looking towards other people for happiness rather than looking within herself. I’m so happy that she found that on her own. I’m happy that she is working on her. She mentioned how she’s not looking for a committed relationship because she knows she needs to get right with herself first. It was all extremely encouraging to hear.
I’m hoping these revelations will not only help her find a better sense of self, but also ease over the tension that has been between us the past few years.
I confided in Zane earlier about my insecurity when it comes to our sexual relationship. His response was for me to stop worrying about nonsense, so at the moment I’m swinging between feeling hurt, which sucks, and being angry because my feelings are being disregarded.
Since feeling hurt sucks I’m finding myself being angry, which I really don’t want to be, but it’s better than sad.
I thought about not going to the gym. It was windy. It was super over cast. It was cold.
Sad Me: Why does it have to be winter and cold? Why does it have to look like it’s going to rain? Why do I have to go to work when all I want to do is go home and cry and feel sorry for myself?
Realistic Me: Just fucking man up and bike to the gym. You know it will make you feel better.
Angry Me: Fine. Fuck you, Brain. I’ll bike to the gym. I’ll bike. And then I’ll run. And then I’ll lift weights. And then I’ll do something else. I don’t know what yet, but I’ll go until I’m so tired that I have to crawl back to work. And it will serve you right for not letting me sit here and sulk. You’ll think twice about making me do this next time. Mark my words, Brain. You’ll regret this! /mentally shakes fist as she diligently gets on said bike…
Threats lose a bit of their intimidation factor when you’re compliant with the opposing party…
So I went to the gym. It was a decent ride that started the flow of endorphins. I still felt like I had a ton of weigh on my shoulders. I was still sad and angry. I ran for .9 miles. I am still doing two minute intervals. I’m doing more of them though, double what I was, and at a faster pace. Towards the end I had to walk a bit more, but I felt like it was good progress.
I did 4 rounds on the leg machines. The first set was the hardest. As I made it through my rounds the weight felt lighter and lighter… Pretty sure that’s not how it’s supposed to work. I didn’t feel burnt out like I wanted, so I went back to the treadmill and ran for another .75 mile, and most of this was running. A solid four minutes and quarter mile. I thought that was really good. Especially for me. Doubly especially after doing everything else I had already done.
Yeah. I’m a badass. Fuck emotional discord. I eat emotional discord for breakfast.
Currently I’m back at work. I still have 3.5 miles to bike at the end of the night, but I’m looking forward to it. I want to do it. I want to go run more. I’m hyped up on endorphins and not caring at the moment about much of anything else.
Zane’s a Thinker, and I’m a Feeler. INTJ vs. INFJ. When I want emotional closeness I get facts and logic, and that’s just who he is. I accept that. I also accept that I don’t have to feel bad, so I’m not going to.
I know I need to spend a lot more time, more than an angry workout session, thinking about where I want this to go, but right now I’m not going to let a person that I’ve known for six months make me feel bad and unloved.
Why is it that relationships with significant others can undermine so much? Why do they feel more important than the relationships with family members, or friends of 15 years? Why is it so easy to forget that love and support when told “Stop worrying about nonsense.”
Well you know what? I’m not going to let myself forget that. I’m not going to let myself feel like today is a waste because I didn’t get a warm fuzzy response when I wanted one.
Right now I’m going to focus on how awesome I did at the gym. I’m going to focus on the fact that I might actually be able to run my first solid mile by the end of the month. I’m going to focus on the fact that the squats I did didn’t tear my legs up and that I was still able to bike back to school without a crazy amount of muscle pain. I’m going to focus on the fact that I’m about to begin work on my first commissioned cross stitch pattern. I’m going to focus on the fact that I have 4 years of industry experience regardless of what is accepted by the verification form. I’ve had scripts online for download since 2011. Screw the school if that doesn’t count to them. It counts to me. It counts to the hundreds of people who have downloaded my stuff. It counts to the people who have commented about how they love them, and how their studio uses my work, and how it’s made a huge difference for them.
I’m going to focus on the fact that I’m an amazing person and that I don’t need someone else to validate my awesomeness. Not my trainer, not my supervisor, not the school, not even Zane.
The only person who can say I’m not awesome is myself, and you know what? I’m not going to say it. Because I’m not going to lie to myself. I am awesome, and screw these feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt and hurt and dejection.
I haven’t made my to-do list yet today. And honestly I might have another cup of coffee. Not because I need to be any more wired, but because the warmth would in all actually help sooth me. Holding the cup in my hands, breathing in the scent, finding a corner to sit in alone, or maybe outside at one of the tables listening to music.
I know right now I’ve swung from anger to something else. I feel like I’m ready for battle. I feel like I’m in an aggressive mindset. Not really hostile, but I wouldn’t think twice about cutting someone down if they tried to belittle me at the moment, no matter how illogical my response. There’s part of me right now how wants to fight, and a large part of me wishes I was still a member of the dojo and that I had taekwondo as an outlet. I wish I had someone I could spare with because that’s what I want right now.
I don’t want to lash out at Zane. I want to make that extremely clear. But I feel the urge to let all of this energy out through a physical outlet. I want someone else, someone level headed and calm and on the outside to let me thrash, rage, and be irrational and angry so it will go away, spent and wasted and gone.
I’m not really angry about anything specific. I’m just angry. In general. At the situation. At how we communicate differently and that makes things hard sometimes. Most of the time. Im frustrated with my own emotions and how there never seems to be a way to predict them, control them. How I wish there were nice little boxes to fit everything inside of, but that’s not how life works.
Maybe what I really need to do is make some spatter art. I could use some art right now… Yeah… I’m going to go art it up.