So I really don’t know where to start.
It’s Friday. The last time I wrote was Wednesday, about halfway through the day. It feels like ages ago. Yesterday was nothing but a ball of rage where I started writing on two different occasions only to stop halfway through due to new developments that made me want to set my computer on fire.
Yesterday was actually only the second, maybe third time, where I’ve written but not posted. I view all of my writing as important and worth keeping / posting. It’s glimpses into my brain. Glimpses that I need so I can better understand myself.
There’s part of me that regrets deleting those writings, yet at the same time I think that it was better that they existed and then were spent, much like the emotions which sparked the writings to begin with.
I feel like yesterday was very much a “shadow” day. My shadow traits, the things that come out under stress and pressure, especially during fighting. The things that make you look around and wonder who could have possibly done those things, said those things? The actions that seem so out of character that it couldn’t possibly be us.
But it is. It’s our shadow. It’s our repression and all of the negative things we try to shove away because they’re not “good”. It’s why there’s the schism in our brains with the good angle on one shoulder and the evil devil on the other.
I haven’t spent as much time as I should on integrating my shadow into my self. That’s why it still seizes me sometimes. Takes over. It’s part of me though. It’s not another person. It’s not a different personality.
Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to accept. Why a lot of people turn a blind eye to it. It’s not the good stuff. It’s the icky stuff. Selfishness, jealousy, anger, dejection. We don’t like admitting that we feel those things. We’re not supposed to want vengeance. We’re not supposed to wish ill on others, or crave what they have. We’re not supposed to put ourselves first.
We’re often told at a very young age that these feelings are bad, and so we try to disassociated them from ourselves. But they’re still there. They’re still part of who we are, and I feel the more we acknowledge that, the better off we are. The more whole we are.
So since last year I’ve been making small efforts to do that. I acknowledge when I’m sad way more often than I used to. I accept the fact that I hurt. That I am angry. That I feel wronged and that I want justice. Retribution. That I am something other than ok, because it’s ok to not be ok.
By acknowledging those emotions they have less power. They can’t be sneaky ninjas that come in and highjack my brain and make me do stupid shit that I regret later. I’m able to better understand where some of my compulsions come from.
Brain: Ah, this need is stemming from fear. This one is stemming from jealousy.
By understanding the root cause I can make calmer, less compulsive decisions.
And I say (type) all of this out after an insanely rough day emotionally. One where Zane and I fought and I offered to move out. Neither of us want that. Not only on a companionship level, but on a logical “Where would you go, how would either of us be able to pay rent” level.
We adult great together. Both of us are realistic and left brained when it comes to matters of life. It’s the romantic side of things that is screwing everything up, and last night, while in the grips of anxiety over the fighting and anger, while the “I’m never able to do anything right” mentality was in full swing, offering to move out was the quickest, easiest solution to making it all stop.
Anxiety: Just give up. Stop trying. Leave. That’s how to make it stop. Just remove yourself from the situation and go back to be alone.
But that’s not what I want, no matter how much that annoying, deceiving voice whispers to me. I know that’s not what I want. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to live with people I don’t know. I don’t want to move my stuff again. I don’t want to find a new routine.
I want to stay here. I want to stay with Zane. I want to keep biking to work. I want to stay near my dojo so in the new year I can begin going again.
I don’t want the core of my world to change. I just want this relentless fighting to stop.
And I know the fighting stems from both of us hurting. We’re wounded and so we lash out at each other because we hurt. It’s like any other animal after a fight. Someone may be trying to help, but instinct says to attack. To bite and claw and snarl dripping fangs. To protect yourself while your vulnerable.
Every little thing sets us off. His word choice. My tone. The smallest infraction is an enormous mountain of disrespect and unthoughtfulness. And maybe that has to do with our personality types.
Maybe we’re projecting on each other. I’m internally angry so I’m seeing anger everywhere. At least when it comes to Zane. The moments of happiness, laughter, closeness, those don’t exist. I can’t see them, remember them, when I begin to see red and anger everywhere. I can’t remember what it felt like for him to hug me when all I can feel is the pain of when he walks out of the room, shutting the door behind him after a fight.
We talked last night. A heated, passionate talk, but I don’t really think it was fighting. And maybe I should clarify. There was fighting in the beginning. He said to go away if I didn’t want to be there, and so I left, going to the bathroom because that’s the only place in the apartment where I can shut a door, putting distance between myself and the world. There was self-harm involved. And I own up to that fact and my part in the argument. I apologize for nothing because I’m not going to apologize for doing my best and coping even if it isn’t the way some people would want me to, or view as “right”.
Afterwards, when we were back in the room, him on the bed, me with my back against the bedroom door, we talked. We let everything out. In the end he held me while I cried. He said to cry until it was gone, and I gave a small laugh while saying that wasn’t going to happen.
I think there’s still a lot of built up stuff in regards to my mom. It still hurts when I think about it. I won’t be able to get vacation time to see her before she leaves for Vegas. I won’t see her for my birthday or Christmas, and every day I still wake up and wonder if this is going to be her last. I still hurt over not being able to save her from her own body.
I think some of it has to do with the apartment as well. With the lease coming up and the changes that are going to happen. Hannah may be moving in. It would be temporary. She graduates in six months and though she doesn’t know what she will be doing afterwards, it is very likely she will try to move elsewhere. Uke may also move in still. It would be great if he did. If both of them did. Rent between four people would be so much better than rent between three.
The down side is that I would not have my own room. Something I was desperately looking forward to. And I think there was a lot of anxiety there. Actually. I know there was a lot of anxiety there. I know that has been one of the things making me cringe every time Zane and I fight. I keep thinking about how I will be locked into a lease for another year where I come home and have no space of my own. No door I am able to shut to have the silence and space that I need. I will constantly be coming home to more stress and discord. I won’t have anywhere to go. No safe space.
I mentioned this, finally, last night to Zane as we were cuddling, my back to his chest, his arms around me. I asked if I could have the master bedroom’s closet as my room. I know that may sound weird, but I like the idea. I don’t want or need a lot of space, and the room I had when I lived with my mom was half the size of the room I’m in right now. It literally was just as big as the closet. It could be my little hide away. My book nook, my craft room, full of pillows and my stitching stuff where I can go to listen to my audio books, as far away from the living room and other people as I can get. My space, and mine alone.
Zane is ok with the idea. And since one of the bookcases I have is actually a closet storage thing, we could set it up in the master bedroom, attaching the bar to the wall so he still has a place to hang his shirts, and put his pants and stuff. We could get the drawer attachments incase he doesn’t want to leave his boxers and socks on an exposed shelf, though I don’t think he would really care.
Knowing that I will still have a “spot” makes it seem more ok. It makes me feel less trapped.
We cuddled for a bit longer before getting up. I was hungry and thirsty. Zane wanted to get in some Fallout time. I also needed to finish working on my commission. After eating I got my computer and worked in the living room, sitting in front of the couch, close to Zane so I could lean back every once in a while and touch him.
Marcus wants Smaug to be a little bit bigger, which is fine. I’ve also thought of an idea last night for incorporating the title into the design. I totally can’t wait to work on it more today. I think it’s going to turn out amazing.
I also got two amazing messages this morning. One from a friend that I went to school with. His company is looking for a setup artist to create some rigs they are going to need in the new year. I could potentially be making an extra $2500 for this project. I have already updated my resume and sent him my information, so we’ll see what his supervisors say. But that’s pretty awesome to even be considered for the work. It would also be another 5 months worth of experience I can list on my resume.
Clavan sent David and me a text message saying he was going to place a work order requesting Wacom tablets for us. Yay new technology stuff!
And a bit of news I don’t think I ever wrote about, Shrew received the cross stitch I made for her. So that was fantastic knowing that her gift made it to her safe and sound.
Training with Terri went well yesterday. Intense, but well. I’m completely dead today and hoping that I’m able to get the last 7ish miles of my week done. I’ve already made the decision to not go to the gym. I need a day of recovery.
I got to make Star Wars snowflakes at work yesterday with Bre and Ari during an impromptu arts-and-crafts time. The only way it could have gotten better was if there were milk and cookies involved.
Bre and Alex may be joining me in the Warrior Dash.
I’m still losing weight, running better, lifting more, and in general being a healthier better me.
There’s a lot of positive stuff going on. There really is. And I’m glad I’m taking the time this morning to remember all of it.
There was one thing that was said last night by Zane that is really sticking with me at the moment. Like a song on repeat only there’s no music… just words. Maybe that’s better because if it was sung to something like “Do you want to build a snowman?” I think would be in jail for murder by now.
Anyway, he said that we don’t need to learn to communicate better. We need to learn to communicate with each other. We both communicate great in all sorts of situations. But lately we’re having meltdowns between each other, and that’s where we need to focus on improving.
It changed my perspective from “I’m bad and all of the effort I’ve been putting in isn’t good enough” to, “I’m not bad. But there’s always room for improvement. “
I like that mentality more, so that’s the one I’m going to stick with.
And with that I guess I really should stop sitting here with cold toes and go shower. Or sit outside since it’s actually sunny today.