Daily Post 059: For the Love of Sandpaper


Arg. It’s early. And by early I mean 10am. I’ve been up roughly since six I think, which is when Zane came to bed. He stayed up all night playing Fallout. He didn’t do any of the things he said he would do. He left food out on the counter all night so there’s no dinner for tonight.


I’m trying really hard to not be a grouch about any of this. I’m trying to remember that he DID cook dinner for us last night, and that he DID pack a hookah with the flavor that I wanted. Kiwi and lime. It was amazing.


I’m trying to remember that we DID have awesome cuddle time on the couch where we watched two episodes of Beautiful Bones before I went to sleep because I had to be at the gym early for training.


The food bothers me. I hate wasting food. We had to throw chicken out because it was left in the fridge too long without being cooked. We have fresh veggies that he’s suppose to use in a Shepard’s pie that are going to go bad soon, and I know he’s not going to cook tonight because he has to make brownies for work. And I feel mildly guilty because I’m pretty sure I’m not going to like the pie when it’s cooked because I’ve never liked Shepard’s pie, ever, and I’ve told him that. But I agreed to try it anyway because I’ve never had his.


But what happens when I don’t like it and he gets tired of having to eat it by himself? Most likely it will sit in the fridge and then get thrown away, which sucks because that’s basically setting money on fire.


I don’t want to be unhappy or bitchy or grouchy or anything negative. I want to go back to last night before all of the responsible stuff didn’t get done and the kitchen was clean and I was happy with how my day had gone and I felt good.


I slept most of yesterday, which was amazing. It’s the first time in a while that I indulged in that. Being a slacker. Listening to my body. Giving it the break it needed and deserved.


I biked to school, I found a new blog to follow. I cross stitched a bunch and prepped a bunch of threads so I can keep working for a while. I biked home without my backpack and felt like I did really well. I wore my new jacket and loved every second of it. It’s nice and fluffy on the inside and feels amazing.


I went back out with the car after showering to retrieve my backpack and to run to the store for cookies. Friday is my last lab before the holiday break and I wanted to get something for the students. So yeah. Christmas cookies because who doesn’t like the gift of diabetes?


I had almost an hour long conversation with one of the guys in finals. We’ve chatted off and on throughout his time in the program, but this was the first time we really had an in depth conversation. We talked about freelance, then meandered around to the topic of why I was still at the school and what I personally wanted to do, which led to talking about the other degrees I plan on getting, the one I’m currently working on, and ultimately how I want to teach aikido at a dojo, which totally has nothing to do with anything I plan on going to school for, or anything to do with what I have currently done with my degree / career / life.


I summed it up by saying that I enjoy learning things and then showing people all the cool shit I’ve learned. And that I think is really my main goal in life and where I get my fulfillment. Showing people cool stuff and helping to build them up and showing them they can be awesome and do really cool things too.


I ended up going back home after dropping the cookies off at school. I ate dinner and relaxed because I felt like I had done well yesterday. Not crazy productive, but productive enough to rest on my laurels.


And now here I am. I didn’t get to have breakfast or coffee. Zane said he would wake me up, which he did, but not early enough to have breakfast or any real time to enjoy the morning.


I made it to work to drop my bag off then headed to the gym where I worked out. It was good. I feel like I did well. The squats and lunges aren’t destroying my legs as much so I think there’s improvement there. The ab work doesn’t leave me feeling like I should curl into a fetal position and cry until someone shoots me. I can see more muscle definition in my arms as I watch my form in the mirrors. I can see the changes in my body and I like them. It makes me feel like I’m doing well and that makes it easier to keep going.


I sat outside for a little bit. It was an overcast morning. It looked like rain. I finished off my bottle of water while the breeze cooled me off and I inwardly groaned about the thought of having to bike against the wind. But it let up and the ride back to school wasn’t bad.


I think I need to put air in the tires. It feels like the bike is dragging and that even though I’m biking well, that I’m not getting as much response from the bike as I should. I don’t have a portable bike pump, which is something I really ought to get. And I don’t have a way to check the tire pressure, so for now I’m sort of stuck with just a hunch. But I’m pretty sure more air would improve my biking experience. I think I need to raise the seat a bit, too. I don’t feel like I’m extending my legs as much as I was before and that I’m losing power because of it.


Anyway. I clocked in once I got to school. I checked my email, but it’s too early to have gotten anything new in my work inbox, and all of the stuff that was in my personal inbox was junk. Yay Christmas ads. No I don’t feel special for receiving them. Please stop sending them and cluttering up my virtual office desk. K, thanks.


I saw Seth and Ari for a little bit. We checked the schedule for January since the preliminary is out. CRI1 is going to be 9am to 5pm supposedly. I’m so used to the pm schedule that thinking about having to be awake so early in the morning for work, before the gym, sucks. I don’t want to do it. I can never just be happy with the work schedule. XD


Shading and Lighting is schedule for, literally, 4 labs. That means Frank and I would be on campus from 9am until 1am… Which isn’t going to happen. There’s no way that we can work a 16-hour day. Like, it’s physically not possible for us to cover that with the amount of people we have.


I know Tony has already requested that the lab be moved into a powered lecture hall to accommodate the large class size. That would mean there would only be one lab, which is doable. But it would most likely be at night…


Down side to that, because this whole situation is just full of downsides… I would be working a flip schedule. 9am for my class one day, then 9pm for the SAL class on the other days. That’s going to not be cool. I know, from experience, that I’m going to be tired constantly and that will affect my ability to get to the gym, and with my race less than 60 days away I’m not going to be ok with anything interfering with that.


There’s really nothing that I can do about it other than stew at the moment. Until I know what the changes are going to be all I can do is speculate and worry and be angry over nothing. Maybe lab will happen before lecture and it will be more of an am schedule and things will be fine. Who knows? I certainly don’t, so why am I assuming that everything will be awful?


Why is it so easy to jump to the “Everything is awful” spectrum?


So what if the trash didn’t get taken out, or the litter box cleaned, or the food put away, or the kitchen cleaned, or the trip made to Wal-Mart?


None of those were my chores. None of those were things that I said I would do. The world didn’t end because they didn’t get done. So why is there so much discontent inside of my brain because of it?


Because I had pictured a reality that is different than the one I woke up to, and that difference is like sandpaper inside of my brain, rubbing against my skull, creating this grinding noise that I can’t think past. The world is wrong. It’s different than what it should be. It must be corrected. It must be set right in order for this sound, this discord to end.


If I had known it wouldn’t get done I would have done it myself rather than going to sleep. Most of those things wouldn’t have taken very long to do.


And this is where I feel like I’m not a team player. Or rather, this is why I dislike team projects and other people and delegating tasks to someone else. I feel like this is part of why I have trust issues and prefer to rely on myself rather than believing in others.


It’s because of the times like this where things don’t get done, or aren’t completed the way I think they should be. I’m picky. I’m demanding. If you say you’re going to do something I expect it to be done when you say you’re going to do it. And when it’s not it makes me feel validated in my reasons for not wanting to trust other people. For not believing someone when they say they’ll do something. Or when it’s half-assed and I have to go back and do it myself anyway. What was the point of asking then? Instead of being done once it had to be done twice and I had to waste time before doing it myself anyway.


And it’s not like this is the first time and I’m blowing it out of proportion. It’s consistent enough to me to not be shocked. Just mildly disappointed, which makes me frustrated with myself because why should I be disappointed? I knew this was a likely possibility. And in reality, it doesn’t matter so why waste energy on it?


The trash will have to be taken out eventually. The litter box will have to be cleaned. What does it matter if it happened last night or tonight?


I guess it bothers me because I feel like I’m going to have to do it when I was looking forward to not having to worry about stuff. But by not worrying about it those things didn’t get done. So it feels like a failing on my part. I didn’t adult good enough and because of that I feel like the apartment is a disaster and I hate, loath, despise, being in an icky, unclean environment.


Me: Please apply more sandpaper to my brain. There’s not enough friction going on in my thought processes at 7am. Thanks. I appreciate it. : D


For now I’m at work. For now I’m not going to worry about it. Or care. Or even waste more effort thinking about what needs to happen later. Fuck it. I’ll take care of it after my lab. After my bike ride home. After my shower. Most likely before I eat since I’ll have to clean the kitchen before I can do any sort of cooking, but still. It’s not something I’m going to spend effort on right now because there’s literally nothing I can do about any of it from where I’m at other than be an angry, frustrated ball of rage, which I don’t want to be.


I want to feel good about my workout. I want to have confidence in myself that I’ll be ready for my race even though I’m starting to feel like I won’t be because that’s part of the cycle with goals. Self-doubt. Fun times… said no one ever.


I’m going to go and cross stitch so I can feel good about making progress on my commission. I’m going to make a new play list to listen to for my ride home. I’m going to enjoy my day because there’s no reason for me to not enjoy it. Aside from that I don’t now what I’m going to do, but I think that’s a pretty decent to-do list.


Task 1: Wake up.
Task 2: Be happy.
Task 3: Go to sleep.


One of out three down. Time to go drop kick those other two in the face.



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