I got interrupted while I was writing yesterday. This is what I was able to type out before Zane woke up and the day got started with no opportunity to sneak away and finish my thoughts.
Not much has changed in 11 hours. I stayed up a bit longer after my last post. I had begun work on a new cross stitch. The Christmas dragon from Dragon Dreams. Jen always puts out a freebie chart as a thank you gift to the stitching community. If you’re interested in seeing it check it out here. She has requested that it not be posted anywhere other than Facebook and for it to only be “Shared” through the Facebook platform, which is why I’m only linking to it.
It’s super adorable though, so check it out if you’re interested in stitching a small, cute Christmas dragon.
You would think after doing nothing but stitching for a week straight that I would be so sick of stitching I would rather stab my eyes out with my needles then begin a new project. This one is for me though, so it’s different. It’s the first project in a while that I have stitched purely for the purpose of stitching. It’s not a gift. It’s not a commission. It’s simply because I want to make something cute. So I am.
I got most of the way through it, and thought about working on it more after my post. But I was tired. Drained. I think I got something like seven more stitches done, if that, before going back to the room and sleeping next to Zane.
He got up shortly after I came to bed since he’s doing cat naps. But eventually he came back and we slept the rest of the night together. He’s still asleep right now. I’ve been up for a little bit. I’ve unloaded the dishwasher, loaded it back up again, and have already had one up of coffee.
I’ve been having a lot of coffee lately, mostly so I could stay awake and keep working on Marcus’ project. It felt like I was back in college again, working on my final projects, staying up insane hours so I could get them done to the level of quality I would be happy with. I don’t miss those days all that much, and this reminded me of why.
I don’t like being tired. I don’t like that for almost a week the most sunlight I got was the five or ten minutes I would sit on the porch. I don’t regret the choices I made. But I wasn’t taking care of my body and I know that. I know the choices I made are going to make my race goal suffer.
It’s over now though. I will hopefully be giving Marcus the framed piece later today. I still need to iron it but I’m letting the fabric drip dry a bit before doing that.
Yesterday was actually pretty relaxing, though I guess you wouldn’t have gotten that impression from my last post.
Thursday night I ended up going out to Taco Bell for Zane and me. He paid, giving me his card before I left the apartment. Neither of us wanted to cook anything, and not many places were going to be open. But tacos sounded good. Grungy food for my last stint of stitching. My last all nighter.
I think that is going to be a new tradition for me. I don’t really have any, other than family gatherings around the holidays. We don’t have a traditional meal we always cook. We don’t have an event like going out to see the Christmas lights, or going ice-skating and drinking hot chocolate. We’re really sort of boring like that I guess. We just hangout and chit-chat. More often than not we play board games and interact with one another.
Well, my Christmas traditions are going to be Christmas tacos because tacos, and then cooking a duck for Christmas day.
While I was stitching we watched Magical Girl Madoka from beginning to end. All 12 episodes. I enjoyed it. We watched the Christmas special of Doctor Who as well. I thought the episode was amazing, but then anything with River Song in it is good.
Zane started playing Final Fantasy Type 0. I watched for a little bit. I took a nap. I messaged several people on my phone and Facebook. I messaged Mother Earth and I had a conversation with RB. It was good to know both of them are doing well, even though I’m not really sure they are doing well. There is so much more that goes into “wellness” then the ability to type on a phone.
It eased something inside of me to talk to both of them. It made me feel less alone and lost. Though to be fair I still have no idea what I want, where I’m going, or what I’m doing. Knowing that my pseudo-family is still there, still reachable, made me feel a bit more stable.
That was pretty much all of yesterday aside from my post, which I wrote after Zane had gone to sleep. I figured it would be pretty emotional. It felt like that was what I needed. I didn’t want to cry in front of him. Much like now. I’ve already started a bit of my soul search, and I really don’t like that phrase because I don’t think it fits, but I’m not sure what else to call it.
Healing? Recovery? Mmmm, recovery maybe. Adjustment… Reformation. Reconstruction, actually. Yes. That feels better.
I’m having to reconstruct myself around this new information. It changes the blue prints that I had for my life. It changes the composition completely.
For the past months my goal as been my spiritual health. I was losing myself. Work was bleeding me out. I was sacrificing the gym and the dojo. The stress with Zane kept me from recovering fully when I came home. There was all this worry and stress and no outlet for it. No way to recharge and purge the negativity that was building in my life and I kept carrying that weight from one day to the next.
But I’ve been changing that. I’ve been doing more for myself. I’ve been sticking up for myself at work. I state when something is negative for me and I stick to my guns. I don’t back down just to make it easier or less confrontational. I think about myself, too, and what I am able to handle and what I would be ok with later, not just in the moment. That’s helped a lot.
I make time for physical activity. The biking to work helps. It gives me roughly 40 minutes to an hour of alone time each day. It helps me be prepared for work. It gives me a way to burn off some steam after a rough day. It’s improving my health and my connectedness with myself. It’s moving me towards goals that I have always wanted to reach.
I feel like I have done a lot to improve my spirit, and I think overall that I am in a much better spot than I was three months ago.
But now there is this Thing. I don’t know what to call it other than that. The Thing. In my head it is dark, creepy, drippy and gross. Black and green and brown and rotting, oozing with fangs and claws and horrible red eyes full of hate and evil. The Thing that I can’t fight. The thing that is smoke and dust and vaporous.
And of course that’s where I got interrupted… right at the good point. So now that I have reread what I was thinking at the moment I can move forward with the post and hopefully complete the train of thought I was having.
The Thing. The stroke. The invisible enemy that I will never be able to face, or kill, or destroy. In my previous post I mentioned how I wish there was something that I could hate. Some physical form that I could bash my fists bloody against. But there isn’t.
And normally I would feel bad about wanting to hate something, someone. How the thought of violence normally makes me ill. But right now I don’t care. I want to hate. I want there to be a focal point that I can focus all of this negativity on like an evil ray of death until it explodes. But there’s nothing. Just facts. Just life.
It’s frustrating knowing that logically there is nothing wrong, that I have not been wronged, that things are actually pretty good and that I should be grateful, but feeling everything that is opposite of logical and rational.
It leaves me not knowing how to handle myself. I understand that I have the right to feel the way I feel. Everyone, no matter their situation, has a right to feel. At the same time I feel like my mentality is “wrong”. I shouldn’t be looking at my Christmas box as the last gift I will ever receive from my mom. I shouldn’t focus on the fact that she had (past tense) a stroke.
I should focus on the fact that she is still alive. That she is getting better. That she is with Jason and Lio. I should focus on the fact that she loves me. That she raised me to be a strong person. There are so many things I should be focusing on, but in the face of The Thing all I can think about is how much I want to destroy it. To make it not exist, to never have happened.
I feel all of this rage, and hate, and darkness inside myself. I feel it turn me into a vicious person and I want so much for there to be something to unleash this viciousness on, and there isn’t so instead it turns to sadness and I feel helpless. All of this rage and power, and there is nothing, nothing, deserving of it. And so it sits and festers. Poisoning my here and now.
I honestly do feel like parts of my world are falling apart. Shattering because the ideas and futures I had envisioned are different now. The ones I had don’t exist, can’t exist, never existed to begin with. And yet it feels as if they have broken, fallen, shattering into a thousand pieces and now I have to reconstruct those areas. Repair, mend.
I suppose in a way that is good. It brings to mind something that has been demolished. Utterly obliterated. But that means the ground is leveled and I can create whatever I want to now. I could use the shattered pieces, making a mosaic. Or I could come in with a giant broom, sweeping all of the pieces away before carting in new material, making something completely different in defiance of having the old monuments ruined.
Me: Fine. Fuck you, Life. I’ll make something even better!
I can do whatever I want.
The more I hate and loath The Thing, the more it grows. The more its dark form looms over me. The more power I give it. The more it steals away from me. From my now. And I’m tired of giving it that power.
And right now, those words sound big and strong, and I might even sort of feel it, but I know it is far from over. I know I’m going to have more days where I cry and feel sad. Like today. Like how this morning I woke up and I knew that it was going to be rough. And it has been. Zane and I fought. He’s going through his own stuff so it’s been hard for both of us to be patient with one another.
I’m currently sitting at school alone. Completely alone. The only sound filling the air is that of my fingers tapping way at the keyboard. I love it. There’s no music. Nothing for me to process other than my thoughts.
I’m allowed to let go here. No pretending. No worrying about anything. Just silence.
I want to build something new for my future. I want to be destructive. I want to throw things, shattering the windows to the buildings. Vandalizing. Annihilating until there is nothing left. I want the world to burn around me as I burn on the inside until everything is ash. I want to fires to roar as I scream out my pain, hearing the cry of the world echo my own.
At the same time I want to hide away in my cave, so far away from people, from everything, that nothing hurts any longer. My ice cave. The place where there’s only coldness. Calm. Tired. Slow. So heavy, too heavy to move. Too much effort to do anything other than huddle on the floor, eyes shut and frosted breath passes through blue lips. There’s nothing, no pain. Just the cold as my companion keeping everything numb, functional, alive yet not living.
Which is better. The fire of rage, or the ice of sadness? They’re not really opposites. Anger and sadness. But they’re opposite on the emotional spectrum for me. One is cold and internal, while the other is hot and external. They negate each other when I feel them in equal amounts. They leave me lukewarm and neutral. Square one.
So if I want to destroy everything. If I want to start over new, where do I want to start? What’s important? What’s the foundation? What am I trying to build?
I don’t know.
Family is important. I still feel a sense of obligation to my financial goals though. I don’t want to throw them to the way side. I still want them to be important to me. But I think I want them to be important because I feel like they should be important, not because they actually are anymore… if that makes any sense.
I still feel like I should focus on my health goals, but again those seem so much lower than what they were just a few weeks ago. So much less important. Honestly I haven’t done anything even close to resembling physical activity for the past week. And I should feel bad about that. I know that the longer I wait the harder it’s going to be to start again. But right now I don’t care. In this moment, I honestly don’t care about my race.
What is my number 1 priority? Family. Specifically my mom.
Ok… so what do I want to do?
I don’t know… I guess be near her? I don’t like how I can’t go visit her for the weekend anymore. I don’t like how I feel left out. My mom is with my nephew, older brother, and sister in law. John is over in Germany. My cousin is still in South Carolina along with a few friends. Most of my close friends are west coast-ish though, and I’m so very far away from them.
Zane wants to move to California. Not that it really matters, but I do not want to lose his companionship yet. I still don’t think we’re meant for forever, and I know I’ll never be Nic to him. But right now, with everything else going on, I really would like for that area of my life, my relationship, to stay stable, at least as stable as it has ever been.
So everything seems to be pointing me to west coast, but is that where I really want to be?
Not really. I actually like the east coast. I like the south. I don’t mind Florida I just hate how so few of the people I cherish are here. I don’t like snow. I don’t like the cold.
I guess part of it is worrying that I won’t like whatever place I move to. It will be new. Different. I won’t know the streets. I won’t know where there’s a good Chinese place. The west coast doesn’t have the grocery store chain I like, so I’ll have to figure out a new store.
So much new.
My mom is worth moving for. There are a handful of people who are worth moving for. But that’s a lot. For me it’s a huge thing. This isn’t moving to a new apartment in the Orlando area. This would be a completely different state, different area, in a way a different world.
But yes, there are a few people who are worth that, and there are a few areas that I would be ok with. I think Vegas might be one of them. I like hiking there. I like the archery range that I went to with my older brother. I like the thought of being near my family.
I like the thought of feeling included.
Ok. So family is a priority, and I want to be near them.
I would need a new job. One that paid way better than my current one so I could handle my expenses.
What type of job would I want?
I really don’t want one. And I know that sounds awful. I want to feel like what I am doing is worth it. Worth my time. Worth the stress. I want to make people better. I want to feel like I make a difference.
I could try to find a teaching job out in Vegas. Most likely would not be pulling in the type of money I want. But it would have a higher chance of meeting the marks I have for a job I want.
I could try to get a job with a simulations company. Continue to use my Computer Animation degree. That could get me closer to the income I want, but I don’t like working on other people’s stuff. Point blank. I love what I am able to do, I just don’t like it when it’s an obligation. I don’t think I would be happy using my degree unless I was doing freelance work, which comes with its own pile of garbage to deal with.
I could continue on my Digital Arts and Design degree and then get more of a design related job in Vegas or California or Texas. That would require me to finish the degree first, so I guess a good question with that is do I want to finish the degree?
Yeah, sort of. I think it’s silly to give up on it halfway through. I know when classes start back up in a week that my stress / workload is going to go back up. I guess I really should look at what classes I have left to take so I know what’s coming up. What my lighter months will be so I have breaks to look forward to. There’s a lot I could do to make the next year easier as far as schooling is concerned.
There’s also the choice of being able to switch into the Web Design degree which is actually what I’m finding most interesting at the moment. Creating websites and such. It’s fun. I created my own, sort of, through Wix. I’ve gotten more comfortable with HTML5 and CSS. I also love Adobe Illustrator and being able to create custom forms and resumes. That’s going back to design work though.
Original question. Do I want to finish the degree? …. Yes. Yes I want to finish my degree. I want to not back down from that challenge.
Ok, so the whole moving thing really doesn’t matter right this second because I wouldn’t be able to leave the job for the duration of the degree. I have to be employed here for the degree to be free. And I don’t want it bad enough to pay for it.
Do I want to stay longer and get the Web Design degree? Maybe? I don’t really know. I guess it will depend on where I’m at in a year. It might be a bit longer than a year actually because I’ve failed two or three classes, and I know that sounds bad. Almost as bad as saying I don’t want to work. But the first time I failed I was sick for the first week of the month, and the fourth week Mother Earth was put into ICU. The second time I failed on purpose because I felt like I was letting fear consume me. I feared my projects. I feared that they wouldn’t be good enough, I feared the white pages any time I opened my programs to start my work. So I purposely failed so I could try again without fear. I refused to doubt myself. I refused to worry. I would make whatever it was I wanted to make and I would be happy with my effort regardless of the outcome.
And this last class. The one I took before my leave of absence. I am fairly certain I failed that one because I was tired of the stress. It was while I was on vacation for mental health. Work and school are two separate things, and while I was on vacation from work, I was not on vacation from school. I tried getting the interruption of training approved in time so I wouldn’t fail the class, but it didn’t work out, and I don’t regret not doing the work because I needed that time to regroup.
So, yes. I’m pretty sure I’m three months behind my original graduation date. And I’m ok with that because I’m ok with the three times I’ve stepped away from school. I’ve written about it numerous times. I’m not getting this degree for my career. I’m getting it because it’s fun, a hobby, because while I’m working for the school it’s free, and because it is a nice compliment for my current degree. I’m doing it because I can, honestly. Not because I care about the grades I get. And a few short years ago that would have driven the perfectionist in me insane. Zero fucks given now. I do as well as I want to, and that’s enough for me. If it’s not enough for someone else then they can take the degree themselves. Rawr.
So game plan for now as far as career goes. Move west-ish to be closer to family. Ideally this will happen in a year or so, once I have obtained my second degree. Upon completely my degree I can begin analyzing what direction I want to go with my career. Continuing to teach? If so, what area would I like to teach in since I’ll have more avenues open to me. And if not, what area in the industry I would like to pursue since, again, I will have two degrees to work with.
So that area is tidied up a bit. I at least know that for now Florida is where I will stay. So my long term plans in that area are more solid, and I understand how they relate back to my goal of being with family. I’ll need to figure out the short term goals before too long, but I will save that for another day.
On ward to personal / health / spiritual stuff, since they’re all interconnected for me.
My Warrior Dash is still important to me. Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, I know it is. I know I want to run it. I know I won’t do amazing at it. And I know that even if I’m bummed, that I’m ok with that information because this is my starting point. This is something I want to keep doing and getting better at, and so even if I don’t do amazing this first time, I know I’ll only be able to do better from here.
I want to keep training. I want to keep improving. I want to keep going to the gym and seeing new lines and contours on my body. I want to watch the muscles flex in my arm as I lift a weight. Watching how the ligaments and skin shifts to preform the action. I enjoy watching, analyzing how the body is functioning, how such a simple action is so insanely complicated and intricate. I love it because I’m weird like that.
I love being able to prove to myself that I’m better than I was yesterday. How I can do an extra set of lunges. Bike a bit faster, run a bit farther.
I can remember the first time I went running while I was dating Warren #2. How I couldn’t run longer than 30 seconds. How I was so out of breath, how my legs burned. And even then I was proud of myself for doing it because it was further than I had run in I don’t remember how long. How I kept getting better, and better. And here I am running five minutes solid. Here I am about to run my first race.
It’s a good feeling. It’s been slow progress. Years worth of trying, and stumbling, and fighting depression, and Life getting in the way, and work being bitchy and needing to be backhanded a bit. But I’ve made it this far. I’ve refused to back down, and when I’ve fallen I’ve gotten back up.
Here I am sitting in a t-shirt my mom got me, sized XL and it’s a bit loose on me, when before it would have been tight. I want to keep moving forward in a positive, healthier direction, and the only way to keep doing that, keep moving forward, is to keep making the physical aspect of my life a priority.
Feeling better about myself factors into my personal and spiritual well being. If I being to let this area slip I know I will begin to slide back into depression. Those reasons will be different reasons, reasons other than financial stress, but depression is still depression, no matter the reason I am there. I don’t want to go back to that state. So I need to continue to walk away from it, to do things to combat it. And I think I’m ok with having physical activity as a priority, though I want to call it something else. Physical activity sounds lame, weak, hollow. It’s the part of school that was dreaded because you could never take a shower afterwards and had to sit in school feeling icky the rest of the day.
I’m not sure what to use in its place though. Hmm, through the powers of Thesaurus.com I think I’ll go with Physical Discipline. That sounds better than activity, exercise, or training.
I haven’t done much for Spiritual Growth other than dig myself out of self-pity and depression. But I think I did a pretty good job with that so I’m not going to let myself feel like a slacker. I do want to progress in this area though. I want to actually finish my Buddhist book, which I haven’t done yet. There are several things I want to do.
Honestly, I want to stop writing. I’m sort of written out at the moment. But I think I made good progress with myself. I feel less lost when looking at my daily life. I’m where I’m supposed to be, for now. So at least I know I’m not wasting my time. I’m meant to be here, not looking up plane tickets or selling all of my worldly possessions.
Here. Now. Florida. Work. School. Race.
Those are my priorities at the moment. At least as far as this post is concerned. Tomorrow I have the day to myself, so that will be another few hours of figuring out my life. But right here, right now, I’m on solid ground again, and that’s comforting.