Musing Moment 0080: Unstuck?

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So I might be unstuck… I’m not sure yet.

 

I think I need to give myself a break. I think I need to stop beating myself up over not having a major goal right now. I’ve already come to the conclusion that I am not going to be making a career change at the moment, so I think I should stop stressing over not having a career goal.

 

I think I should actually be giving myself credit for continuing to work on my degree. That’s going to take a lot of my time. I don’t think I should worry about having a job, and doing school, and doing a personal project, and possibly free lance, and making sure to have the laundry done and dinner cooked.

 

You know, I think I can take away the personal / career project aspect of my life and still make a pretty good argument for being busy and not wasting my time. Especially when right now I haven’t figured out the direction I want to go after this new degree. I’m still tossing the idea of the Army around inside of my head. Enlisted more than officer since that would be roughly a four year contract rather than six or more. But again, until this next year and a half is over, it’s just speculation and day dreaming, and that’s well and good, but it’s going to make me want things to be different and for the time being they’re not going to be different.

 

I think I would be happier focusing my energy somewhere else rather than worrying about things that aren’t important yet.

 

Ok, so if I’m scratching work off of the list for goals right now, what does that leave me with?

 

I want my Warrior Dash to be a goal still.

 

I realized this last night. I haven’t completed it yet. It’s still important to me, and by not including or counting it as a goal I’m devaluing all of the work I am doing to achieve it.

 

If it doesn’t count as a goal then why am I working so hard for it? If it’s not an achievement then why do it at all?

 

It is an achievement to me. It is something that I’m going to be proud of once I cross the finish line. I’m going to post pictures all over Facebook and I’m going to blog about it. And I’m going to talk about it to anyone who will listen because it’s going to be a big movement for me.

 

I don’t care if it’s inevitable, and that the night of Feburary 5th I know I’m going to sleep like crap because I’m going to be so excited and nervous, because I know I’m not going to back down. It may not be a “crazy impossible” goal anymore, but it’s still a goal, and at the moment, for the next 30 days, it’s my main focus. Really my only focus.

 

And I think that’s how most of this year is going to go. Instead of having several goals going at once like I normally do, it seems that a lot of my goals are going to be linear.

 

First will be my race. Training for it, and then actually completing it. Once that is done I will return to my dojo. That following Monday actually is when I plan to return.

 

By the end of the month I want to complete my Kyu 6 test for aikido and begin working on my belts in ernest. I will try to advance through all of the ranks until by the end of the year I am Dan 1.

 

Through all of that I will be paying down the credit card. I realized that though I will have the card extremely low by the end of February, due to needing to buy things for the apartment once John and Trevor leave, the amount is going to go back up again. So it most likely won’t be paid off completely until about halfway through the year. Which I’m fine with, but since I’m not going to be focusing on career or income related goals, trying to pay both the card off and my car loan is pretty unrealistic and sort of setting myself up for failure, which is unfair.

 

So, realistic goal, pay off the credit card, for real this time.

 

I also want to do a second Warrior Dash some time this year. I believe there is a race in North Carolina in June, which is still fairly close to me, but there are other places like Texas which could have races and would let me, potentially, visit friends I haven’t seen in a while.

 

I could participate in a color run race, or try biking. Not really to win, but just to do it. Because I think they would be fun. I don’t think I want to have any goals with the Lance Orlando fighting. I think I would rather focus on aikido this year. That and school.

 

Those will be my main goals and along the way I will reestablish the habits I have let slip. The reading a book each month. I want to continue to cross stitch for pleasure rather than trying to turn it into a profitable hobby. I know my stress level is going to go up starting next week with the return to school and having homework to worry about again.

 

I’m going to need to care for myself so I don’t get burnt out like I did before.

 

There’s been good news in regards to the apartment situation, and the past few days have been pretty awesome even though I haven’t really written about any of the events that have happened. I’m sure I will later tonight, but I wanted to type all of this out while I had the time to do it and the thoughts in my head.

 

I may be “stuck” in Florida for now, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have other things that are important to me. And just because I don’t have nine million things I’m trying to get done doesn’t mean I’m a slacker or letting anyone down.

 

School is going to be intense on its own. I need to give myself more credit than I do for working on my degree. I also need to put more time into my assignments than I normally do.

 

So school, racing / becoming a better, fitter me, Dan 1 in aikido, and annihilate the credit card debt. Pretty linear like I said. One domino after the other. One class at a time, one rank at a time, one payment at a time I’ll move forward on all of these things. Each month a slow progression to a larger, bigger destination.

 

I suppose it helps that it is winter. It’s ok to slow down. It’s ok to regroup. It’s ok to not always be busy or have irons in the fire. It’s ok to sit and not be defined by what project I’m working on.

 

I think realizing that helped. I am more than my goals, and I think for a little bit I forgot that. Goals are important and they give us direction, but they’re not everything and just like with friends, it’s about quality not quantity.

 

Maybe this is one of the reasons Winter is hard for me. Maybe I’m not good at sitting still and this is something I should work on. For all that I’m about inner peace and mindfulness maybe I am still missing the big picture. It’s not about being busy. Just like with writing, how it’s ok to not write and how silence is just as important if not more so. Stillness is just as important as action.

 

Stillness is where we prepare.

 

 

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One thought on “Musing Moment 0080: Unstuck?

  1. It’s definitely okay to slow down and not have all the irons in the fire at once. I had a lot of personal issues with setting unrealistic goals when I was in outpatient therapy for depression and anxiety. People had to tell me gently that I needed to stop putting pressure on myself, that I could “be excellent without being perfect.” That become one of my daily affirmations.

    The last comment that you made on one of my posts really stuck with me, in a positive way, and reminded me that self care means sometimes slowing down and taking it easy.

    You are working on so much right now. That is awesome! But definitely be easy on yourself, and take things bit by bit if needed. There is nothing wrong with that (I have to remind myself of this often) One of my favorite quotes seems quite suitable here:
    “It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop” – Confucius. 🙂

    Like

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