Daily Post 071: Wherefore Shame?

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Yesterday feels like forever ago and I’m really not sure why. I mean, it was a productive day, but it wasn’t that productive… I don’t get it. But anyway, yesterday started off pretty good.

 

Zane was a ninja and woke up to get our order of bagels from Einstein Brothers. While we were there Sunday we saw a sign that said “13 bagels $6 on Mondays”. It comes with two containers of smear, which I guess is their fancy term for cream cheese spread.

 

Zane and I talked about it while eating breakfast. I’m not super big into bagels, but I said I could use half of one for my egg sandwiches instead of slices of bread. So in a week I would really only need three bagels.

 

Later in the day Zane called the store and placed our order so in the morning all we would have to do is pick it up. No muss no fuss. He got up at some point, I’m guess around 5am, went out and picked up the bagels and came back. Normally I’m a super light sleeper and would have woken up, but I didn’t for some reason.

 

I got up at six and went out to the living room to find Zane asleep. I gently woke him up to ask if we were getting breakfast, to which he replied that the deed was already done.

 

So much win.

 

We went back to sleep for a bit since it was so early in the morning. That led to hitting snooze way more than we should have, and a mildly rushed breakfast for Zane. We did get to spend some time together in the kitchen though, so the morning wasn’t bad.

 

I finally took the time to get caught up on my emails. It took longer than I was hoping, but was extremely worth it. There are still a few tasks I need to do in relation to some of those emails, but a lot of them were up lifting and were what I needed to read / see. Reminders that even in the middle of winter there’s warmth.

 

In no real order I unloaded the dishwasher, reloaded it, put the clothes away, packed up a bunch of stuff to take with me to school, went through my Christmas box from mom so I could keep the box. It’s sitting in my closet, empty, because there’s no way I’m getting rid of it at the moment.

 

I made a “paper” box for Zane. He has a bunch of crap stuff that he needs to go through and figure out if it’s garbage or not. So all of that got tossed into a box so it’s at least contained and off of my desk. I went through my own “in” pile and organized the desk so the room feels better in that regard.

 

I ate, showered, then dressed so I could head to work. I clocked in and talked to my brother on Facebook for a little bit. He may, possibly move in with us in June. That’s still up in the air though because he really doesn’t know what he’s doing, which is one of the frustrating things about him. I can’t make plans on ifs and maybes, but he wants to have things lined up and solid on vague information.

 

That’s not going to happen, dude. Sorry not sorry. Get your facts together and then we can have a real conversation.

 

Zane and I talked about the possibility last night. If Hannah moves out, and if John and his friend still need a place to stay, and if we agree that we won’t kill each other, and if this, and if that… arg. It’s so far away that I really don’t care about it right now.

 

Can I focus on transitioning to the new lease first? Like, let me not worry about something six months away for two months? Is that cool? I’m good at stressing over the stuff in my immediate present just fine. I really don’t need to add stuff that I can do literally nothing about because it’s not even my own nebulous idea.

 

I walked over to the Shading and Lighting lab after ending the conversation with my brother. Frank wasn’t there yet so I got the key and unlocked the room. Yay for doing something useful. : D

 

Lab was uneventful. I answered all of the questions I got without incident. That was nice. I got caught up on my work email. I sent out an email about the work schedule and how per Clavan’s instructions I would not be working six days a week. I haven’t check my email this morning, so I don’t know if there’s a reply to it. I’m sure there is.

 

I cleaned my downloads folder on my computer. It was a mess. I posted for my second discussion assignment for my class. A full week early, but it’s done and I don’t have to worry about remembering it. Something new I’m trying is using a separate calendar on my Google Calendar. One specifically for school actives. That way when I check my schedule for work I can see how school assignments line up with it. My first project is due tomorrow. >.<;

 

I completed the reading for this week and revised my school battle plan. I restructured my WIP folder on my desktop and cleaned my Dropbox folders a little. I also responded to Donna’s email about needing the information to verify my Vimeo and Creative Crash accounts. I cross stitched for a bit towards the end of lab. Overall I was happy with what I was able to get done.

 

I talked to my mom for about an hour after work. It was a nice conversation and one I’m glad I had. Before I left work I printed out my new class schedule for my Digital Graphics degree. A lot of the classes I have already taken overlap with the new degree, so I went through and highlighted all of the classes I have already taken. If I keep going with one class a month I have 17 more months left.

 

I printed out a new planner from Chalene Johnson as well. It works with her 30 day challenge thing. I’m mildly working on using it. I didn’t do much with it while I was at work. I wanted to get home before it got dark out. So I packed up and headed home.

 

When I got home I set up the laptop and transferred my backup files to my external hard drive. I had created the backup folders over the holiday break, making copies of my Google Drive, Dropbox, and Laptop. I never transferred them though, so the folders were just sitting taking up hard disk space. No longer though. All of my computer tasks are taken care of. Woohoo. Even the trash can got emptied.

 

I made two new recipes on my AllRecipes.com account. One for the cilantro lime sauce I use for my Southwest salads and shrimp rice bowls, and another for the leek and potato soup Zane and I like so much.

 

I changed the water filter, too.

 

I tried to spend some time figuring out my goals and such for the Push Planner from Chalene which is where things got a little dicey last night. This is also where this post becomes a little adult rated for sexual content.

 

At the moment I’m sexually unsatisfied. Zane and I have talked about it, but it’s not like it’s something you can compromise on. He doesn’t want it as much, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t want him to feel like sex is an obligation, because it’s not. I want him to want it, and if he doesn’t then he doesn’t.

 

On the flip side, I can’t make myself not want it, and the once a week, if that, isn’t enough for me. It’s one of the reasons I get so down, and I don’t know how I feel about that. Should I feel slutty and beat myself up over not being able to overcome my baser instincts or should I accept that some people are wired differently and that having a higher sex drive doesn’t make me a bad person?

 

Embrace the slut shaming culture of our society, or keep moving down the path of self acceptance and understanding… I mean really, when it’s written out like that it’s a little biased, but no less true, and even in those words I feel like I “should” go with the first answer.

 

It’s wrong for girls to want sex. It’s wrong for them to seek it out. It means they’re low in moral standing, impure. They’re not the ones you take home to meet mom. They’re the ones that are ok for right now, but not good in the long run. That’s the impression I feel society gives. It’s wrong to embrace sexually.

 

But I do want to embrace it. It’s one of the reasons Freya calls so strongly to me. Sex isn’t bad. Being sexual isn’t bad.

 

But what happens when it causes strife in an otherwise perfectly healthy relationship? How do you compromise on “I don’t want it,” and “I need more”?

 

I am fitter than I have been in years, and I’m continuing to improve myself, but the lack of sex makes me feel unattractive, and I know that’s a bit shallow of me. I’m not working out and making myself better for sexual reasons. I’m doing it because I want to be healthier. Because I want to be the warrior I know I am.

 

But if a side affect of losing weight is becoming more attractive it would be nice of things happened that made me feel more attractive, wanted. The comments, “You look good,” feel sort of hollow when “looking good” doesn’t change anything.

 

And I’m writing about all of this because it ties into the Push Planner thing.

 

You go through and you rate the areas of your life, like I have multiple times on this blog as I go through and do the challenge from time to time. Well, Significant Other is listed as Romance on the sheet. Sort of puts a different spine on that area in my head. And as I went through and rated all the areas I scored that, Romance, and my Spiritually super crazy low. I don’t feel romanced, and I feel like I’ve given up a lot of my connection with Freya in the process.

 

Ok. Cool. I’ve gone through and identified the areas of my life I want to focus on and bring balance to. Romance and spiritually.

 

Next step… make goals in line with your key priorities.

 

Fuck me. For real? How do I make goals for myself that require another person? That’s not how goals work. I really didn’t know what to do. How to I tell Zane, “Hey, I’m totally unhappy with this area of our relationship and I sort of need it to change, but I don’t want you to feel like you have to change because then that would make it an obligation and you already sort of feel that way, so stay the same because you’re fine the way you are… only your not and I need to you change…”

 

I felt stuck. Trapped. I felt like no matter what I did that it wouldn’t be right and that I was doomed.

 

Zane had been in the living room while I was doing all of this. I prefer to beat myself up mentally while alone anyway. It makes it easier to do.

 

When he came into the room he could tell I wasn’t ok.

 

We talked about it for a bit. Danced around it at first really because I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want to mess up our night. I didn’t want things to be bad. I wanted to be normal and be satisfied and to not have strife over something so silly, so trivial, only it’s not trivial for me. It’s important and I don’t know how to change that, and what’s worse is I don’t know if I do want to change it. I don’t think it’s wrong. But it’s causing us pain, so how is it good?

 

Nothing was really figured out. He left the room for a bit and I began looking into tantric sex, something that I have been mildly curious about for a while. Lots of interesting reading. And it gave my brain something to focus on. Left-brained tasking. Process information. Oh, you mean avoiding emotions. I can totally do that right now.

 

Zane came back not longer after that. Enough time had passed to allow my “the world is ending” emotions to subside a bit, leaving me tired and worn out feeling. He said for me to come into the kitchen with him. That we were going to cook dinner together.

 

He showed me how to make a rue for the Shepard’s Pie. I got to empty the containers of veggies into the skillet. We got to be playful and warm and close. It helped me. It’s another aspect of the Romance section that I feel is missing. Flirting. Playfulness. We have it sometimes, but not often, and when it is there everything seems ok. Or at least a lot better. It makes me content. There’s affection and love in our own weird unique, companionship sort of way.

 

Or maybe it’s that when we’re playful like that his love is being shown in a language I understand. That’s getting into the whole love language stuff though, and another layer of complexity to go on top of personality types.

 

Why does human interaction have to be so complicated? >.<;

 

So the Shepard’s Pie got made. It turned out fantastic. I ran back to school to drop off my backpack along with a change of warm clothes and my Wacom tablet so I could work on my homework at school the next day.

 

Zane was asleep when I got home so I stayed out in the living so I wouldn’t wake him. I got up around 6am and curled into bed with him. The morning as been pretty good so far. I made both of our bagels and partially packed his lunch box. We got to eat together this morning. I enjoyed my coffee before biking to work.

 

I got to feel like a ninja during my ride. I used one of my bandanas to cover my mouth so my lips wouldn’t get super chapped in the cold. Another way to look at it is a super awesome bank robber on my get away bike, because I’m a bawler like that.

 

Got all the way to work. Clocked in and got the key for lab feeling like a bawce and taking care of business. I text David to let him know I had the key and got a reply shortly after saying that there wasn’t a 9am lab. That there were only 23 students this month so the first lab was removed from the schedule…

 

That makes the rest of my month really awesome, but yeah… it would have been nice to know this morning. I don’t regret it though. I like that I’m awake. That I’m at school, and that I’ve written.

 

I think today is going to be an ok day. Maybe even a good day if I can get this headache to go away.

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