Another day. I woke up tired this morning, sort of headachy, but I’m feeling better and for whatever reason I’m looking forward to the day even though there’s not really anything going on.
I wrote yesterday about halfway through the day. There wasn’t much to say about the morning, and there’s not much to say about the evening either, which means I’m going to write something like five pages because there’s a lot of nothing to report about.
I ended up making the baked ziti. That was a lot of fun actually. Sort of therapeutic. I got to make a mess in the kitchen like a pro instead of doing a super quick and efficient (non-messy) meal. I made homemade marinara sauce which meant there was tomato stuff in a bunch of pots and the blender got used… It got me up and doing stuff. Sort of like baking cookies only probably worse for you with how much cheese was used. I should have used more basil and red pepper flacks, but all in all it wasn’t bad.
Zane came home which resulted in cuddling, talking, and other things.
I’m introspective right now about the difference I feel in myself, my mentality. Maybe I do think of sex and an obligation, an expectation in the relationship. If I didn’t expect it it wouldn’t be a problem. When I’m alone, single, I don’t expect it, and so while physically I still want it, mentally I’m able to handle it better. I don’t have an outlet, at least not in the form of a partner, so the discord of feeling rejected or let down isn’t there to mix with the already not so cool feelings.
But I do have a partner, and so those feelings aren’t supposed to be there, but they are and that’s confusing. It conflicts with what I have felt in the past with my relationships. It goes against the reality of what I expect, and that’s where the problem stems from. I expect him to want it, too. I’m used to my partners having a lower drive than me, but not this much lower. I expect a sort of base line interaction, and that’s not fair of me.
I’m aware of how less “down” I am. I wouldn’t say depressed, but I’m motivated. I feel better. I don’t find myself constantly tripping over the same thoughts. I don’t have the stress from the meeting and the failed bike ride hanging around inside my head.
Looking further into the traits of INFJs, when situations become stressful one of the things we tend to do, and I’m generalizing here so if you’re an INFJ and this isn’t what you do that’s totally ok, is indulge in sensations. Food, music, touch. Anything non-thinking.
We move from Introverted Intuition to Extroverted Sensing. We tend to want to stop the thinking, the processing, the decision making. We want a break from life essentially. Fuck the rules and consequences. We want what we want and we’re going to get it and life can take a back seat and shove off for a while.
Sex is that for me in most regards. I get to lose myself in the sensations, in my partner. The touching, the sharing, the sounds, the warmth and pleasure. It’s very freeing when done “right” because in my head there is a way to do it wrong. It’s not a story with a beginning, middle, and end. Shitty foreplay, mindless sex, orgasm.
Sex is supposed to be an experience, freeform, unplanned. It’s not a routine. It’s an expression.
It’s like any other type of art. One created with another soul.
And I know there are people out there who are reading this like I’m crazy, or thinking I’m one of those “bat-shit insane” chicks that should be avoided. No worries. I don’t go to bars or clubs so unless you’re trying to pick up chicks at the grocery store you’re safe. : D
It’s like when I talk about energy and feelings and vibes from people. It’s cool. I’m used to it at this point.
I haven’t really reached a conclusion to this line of meditation. But I am aware of it. I think I have a better understanding than I did before. I still don’t think I should give myself crap for what I think and feel even though there is still that part of me who feels bad about it. There are people who don’t agree so it’s bad. But it’s not bad, it’s just different, and there are other people who share and understand my mentality.
I need to find balance and understanding within myself because that’s where it matters. Until I find that I think there will be a slight twinge of discord no matter what I do.
Zane and I watched the most recent episode of Arrow last night. It was pretty good. He wanted a break from Pirates of the Caribbean, and I can’t blame him. By the time the one hour episode was over I was so ready to go to sleep. I don’t think I would have made it through a whole movie. I went to the room and slept for a while, but woke up around 1 in the morning.
Zane was still in the living, about to head to bed. I was awake and not likely to go back to sleep any time soon, so we switched places essentially. I stayed on the couch, tossing and turning, staring into the darkness, wishing I was tired enough to not be awake, while Zane went back to the room.
That was pretty much the whole night. Not all that exciting.
I did get to talk to my mom for a bit. She has a job out in Vegas now. Currently she’s at a retirement home, but she has another interview with the hospital. I think she wants that job more. Jace is sick with some sort of cold thing. We talked about my meeting, the bike ride of doom, my Warrior Dash. I got to catch her up on getting the fridge at work. All in all it was a good conversation and I think that is factoring into my better mood as well. It had been going on two weeks since we had talked.
Currently I’m at work. I’ve already eaten, had coffee, taken my vitamin, and showered (hooray!). I don’t have anything work wise that’s all that pressing. Just my lab at 1pm. I have two discussion posts I could work on for school, the final exam for the class as well, and my final project. All with two weeks worth of time to complete. I don’t feel like procrastinating on it, so I’ll most likely finish a majority of that today, or at least try to. Not like I have much else to do other than cross-stitch.
Zane and Hannah are hanging out tomorrow. We’ve talked about it and I’m pretty ok with it now, after all of the talking. It’s her birthday celebration. Originally, when Zane mentioned it the plan was for them to go thrift shopping and then to either sushi or the sports bar for food, once I got home from work we all were supposed to watch a movie or something along those lines. Something quiet and at home since I would most likely not want to go out.
My chest was tight when I heard that, and not because I didn’t want Zane to hang out with her. I actually do.
However… because there’s always something…
The thrift shopping thing had been something mentioned that we all would do together. We all would go looking for stuff for the apartment. And so by having that be their game plan for the day I felt excluded. It’s not like I was choosing to not go with them because I was just being lame and introverted or something. I legitimately can’t go. Work is sort of a thing I can’t worm my way out of. I have to be here, which means I can’t be there.
So that sort of didn’t feel good. It left me with, “What about me?” feelings.
And then the whole lunch thing… I asked Zane if we had “spots”. You know, places that are “ours” and “special”. I have spots with a lot of people. Waffle house will always remind me of Mother Earth and Josh. Moe’s will always be my mom’s spot, no matter who I’m there with. The Thai restaurant I haven’t been to in forever will forever remind me of Jin. Buffalo Wild Wings will be my brother’s domain until the end of time.
There’s memories there that are specifically theirs, and no matter what it will be “their” spot in my world.
Zane and I go most frequently go out to sushi and the sports bar. I think of them, inside my head, as his. The sports bar sort of grudgingly so because originally it was “my” spot, but anywho, I realized this was all inside my head and that he doesn’t intentionally hurt me, so I asked if either of those spots were “special” spots, because if they were I would rather he not take Hannah to them, at least not alone like that.
Since Hannah works at the sushi café we both agreed that it wouldn’t be right to say they can’t go there. Which left the sports bar, which is where I mentioned how it used to be “my” spot and that I sort of missed thinking of it that way.
We came to the agreement that the frozen yogurt place we go to will be “our” spot. With all of that hashed out my brain is more ok with the idea of Hannah going with Zane pretty much anywhere. Not my spot, don’t care. Neither of the spots mentioned are under threat of being taken away because they’re not really claimed, if that makes sense. It does to me so I guess that’s the important thing. There’s no more ickiness surrounding that part of their day. Score.
Back to the thrift shopping thing. And now I’m thinking about Macklemore… Zane said he understood where I was coming from and that thrift shopping hadn’t been his original idea. He said that he would keep it more to “play” shopping rather than “apartment” shopping because he wanted every one to be there for it, too. He said he was sort of surprised when Hannah brought it up the other day as the thing she wanted to do since she had been talking to me about it apartment shopping more than him.
I guess having so much understanding so early in the morning over something that could have blown up into a fight has also boosted my mood. Yay communication and the dispelling of ickiness.
I got the chance to text RB a bit yesterday afternoon. I made a comment jokingly about how sex was the best invention next to food. His reply was he rated sex a bit higher. Yeah… but without food you can’t keep going. Which brings up the question, “What about water?” So I feel I should revise my statement to be, “Sex is the best invention next to sustenance.” Sleep is a side effect from the exhaustion felt afterwards… There. All bases are covered. For some reason the conversation was amusing to me.
I told Zane I was messaging RB. Actually, I said that I was bragging about getting laid, because I’m classy like that and I needed to have girl talk with someone about it I guess. I’m not sure if it’s weird to talk to exs, especially about sex, but for the two that I’m still in touch with it happens. I actually sort of like that we were able to salvage the friendship we had to be able to joke and share about our current relationships. It makes me feel like I can go to people who know me a bit better in certain regards when I need relationship advice.
Me: Am I being crazy?
Them: Yeah… yeah, you are.
Me: Oh… well… shit.
I also talked to Brad for a while last night. I haven’t mentioned him all that much I don’t think. He was one of the few people I actually enjoyed talking to on OkCupid when my profile was active. We’ve talked for almost as long as I’ve known Zane, but since he lives about an hour away we’ve never actually met.
That may change soon-ish? We mentioned it last night, or rather I did. We’ve both admitted to being extremely socially awkward and how even though we have amazing chemistry online, through a screen, we both would feel totally out of our element with meeting in person. How we would both be nervous because social situations are a form of torture in the beginning.
I’m still chewing on the idea, dragon that I am. I like that I’m able to think clearer about it now, today. It’s something I want to explore, but I need to understand and own up to all of the reasons. Being honest with myself, with Zane, with Brad. Everyone knows about everyone. No secrets there. I don’t think I’m ready to delve into that area just yet, though. I don’t know. For some reason thinking about it in the break room doesn’t feel right. Wrong place I guess. I feel that’s more of an “at home” sort of topic to meditate on rather than an “at work” thing.
I need to make it clear in my head because right now it’s still sort of fuzzy. The feelings haven’t been turned into solid statements yet, and until they are nothing is going to happen. Making a physics bible with Zane for our relationship would be a good idea, too. That way we have something to refer back to as far as rules of engagement go.
Maybe that’s something we can do this weekend. We’ve mentioned it in the past, but haven’t ever taken the time to hash it out. With him spending time with Hannah, me possibly meeting Brad, I think it would be the safer option to take the time and do it now, rather than ask for forgiveness for some unknown transgression later.
Arg. Humans. So much complication. >.<;