Yesterday was interesting. There was a first for me.
One of my students had a panic attack. She is fine, and I stayed with her until she was able to leave lab, surrounded by several of her friends who stayed behind for her.
Energy wise it was one of the most draining things I have experienced in a while. I sat and held her hand through the hold thing, rubbing my fingers over hers, squeezing every so often, telling her she was safe, that it was ok. Nothing but calm. I got this.
My shoulders hurt so much afterwards, and I don’t really know why. It was like claws had dug into me, into my muscles, and I was trying to flex and move around those claws. It hurt.
Zane picked me up from school once he was off work. He had messaged me earlier in the day saying he wanted to go to the sports bar or sushi cafe for dinner. He wanted to take me out.
We went to sushi. I hadn’t eaten since the morning and with the panic attack I was totally ok with eating out, not having to worry about cleaning / cooking, and going to sleep. The atmosphere was perfect, quiet. Zane and I had light conversation. The food was fantastic and filling. And even though the longer we were out the more tired I got, I really did enjoy the evening.
We stopped at Publix on the way home so Zane could get ice cream. I was driving and looking forward to parking the car and not being in charge of a two-ton vehicle, and yes I am pulling that number randomly out of my head because I don’t care enough to actually look up how much my car weighs…
And of course since I typed that the next thing I did was go to Google. Apparently a Mazda 2 weighs anywhere from 2,306 to 2,359 pounds. Yeah. I didn’t want to be in charge of all of that. So when Zane first mentioned going to the store my body tensed further. There would be people, and things, and stuff, and can’t we just go home? Please? No more torture? I promise I’ll be good. ;-;
When I didn’t answer right away he said to never mind. That it wasn’t a big deal and he could do it later.
Me: We always do what I want to do. I feel bad. We’re going to the store.
As I changed lanes he said no, to go to the apartment.
Me: Nope. Can’t do that now. I’ve already changed lanes. I can’t be “that guy” who changes lanes back and looks like they don’t know what they’re doing.
Zane: Yeah you can. Get in the other lane.
Me: /proceeds to get into the far left lane to turn into the grocery store
Me: I changed lanes. : D
Needless to say we went to the store. I got to stay in the car for that adventure though, almost falling asleep in the quiet dark because I was that tired.
When we got home everyone was in the kitchen. Trevor and Danielle were cooking. John was pouring a drink of some sort of alcohol. Nope. Too much. Not even going to being processing. I walked straight to the room where I changed into pjs and curled up in bed, Scarlet nestled next to my head.
Zane used my laptop to watch stuff on Crunchyroll since John was using the TV and I slept I think. I remember him coming into bed. There was some discord between Zane and me, which ended with me going to wash the cloths at 10pm.
I think it was the better option. I was awake and instead of feeling sorry for myself or staying in bed where I wouldn’t be able to sleep I got up and took care of a chore that needed to get done. It was pretty relaxing actually. I got to listen to music on my phone because I remembered to take headphones. I got everything washed and folded which made me feel productive. I got to cross-stitch and made pretty decent progress on it. I got some space and alone time, which I think I still needed from the intensity of work.
I got back to the apartment around midnight and slept on the couch, my brain still wrung out and tired.
I woke up this morning around 9:30. I hadn’t looked at the kitchen so I was pretty aggravated to see a pile of dishes, but whatever. I can take care of them.
I loaded the dishwasher and went to run it so I could unload it later in the day but the latch wouldn’t lock for some reason.
This is where I entered what I am now going to refer to as “cement block mode”. I was totally un-phased by the dishwasher not working. I can’t do anything to fix it. We’ll put in a work order and see what happens. Done.
Right Brain: Wait… Um… where is the freak out / break down? We skipped a step…
Left Brain: No. We didn’t. Sit down. Be quiet. And keep your hands to yourself.
Right Brain: /sits down sort of dumbfounded without causing a fuss
Left Brain: Good. /goes about tasking
I made coffee and breakfast since I was hungry. About that time Zane came out of the room. He asked if I had fed the cats, which I was actually just getting ready to do. The morning continued pretty well. We talked about grocery shopping and how we still have the curry to make, and the ziti to eat, so we’re actually pretty good on food, and that it might be better to hold off until around Wednesday to get meal stuff.
We still need things like more cat litter, cat food, Clorox wipes, bacon, and coffee creamer. We actually talked about making homemade creamer. I don’t think we’ll do that this week, but maybe next week I’ll give it a shot.
It was a good morning.
He had hugged me while I as filling up my coffee cup with water, wrapping his arms around me from behind and resting his head against mine.
Zane: Can I ask a huge favor?
Me: *small quiet voice as I begin to worry* Yes.
Zane: Can we please sleep next to each other? I don’t like waking up alone.
Ensue emotional conversation where I explain that I want to but that it’s hard to sleep next to him when my skin feels like it’s on fire. I couldn’t stop the tears that rolled down as I said I was sorry. This isn’t want I want. I don’t want him to feel bad and alone, but I don’t want to feel bad and unwanted.
He wiped away those stupid, annoying tears and hugged me to him since I had turned around for us to face each other while we talked. He said we would figure it out and that he loved me.
That made me smile, and we did have a fantastic morning. We ate together, figured out the grocery or lack there of, we discussed the plans for the day and what needed to happen when. It was a good morning even with the little bit of ickiness.
After eating Zane went to the apartment office to put in the work order for the dishwasher. I’ve also been seeing roaches, or maybe it is the same roach, but regardless of how many, there are invaders in the kitchen. Not cool. Pest control is schedule to come on Thursday, so that should be taken care of. The dishwasher is going to get looked at on Monday.
Zane also picked up roommate release forms while he was there for Trevor and John. Without those being signed they’re technically still on the lease when it renews, which will makes things crazy complicated. So lots of adulting and taking care of business on Zane’s end.
While he was gone I put the clothes away, cleaned up the computer desk, emptied the bedroom trashcan, straightened up the living room a bit, then showered. By the time I was done Zane was back.
I got dressed and called the bike shop. They had said the bike would be fixed by Thursday, but I never got a phone call or email about it, and with how tired I was yesterday evening after work I really didn’t care if the bike was done or not. I wasn’t going to go get it regardless.
So I called to see what was going on. The bike was done apparently and I could come pick it up. I decided to take Frank’s bike with me and donate it instead of holding onto it for the next forever, waiting to trade it in for credit towards a new bike. Maybe not the smartest move financially, but the bike is going to be in the way while everyone is trying to move their stuff, and I would rather donate it and have it be used then tripping over it for no reason.
It had rained all day yesterday morning which meant today it’s super cold and windy. Like, 22 miles per hour cold, winter wind. I got the bike rack on the car with Zane’s help and situated Frank’s bike on it and drove to the bike shop, holding my breath the the whole time and thinking the wind was going to blow the bike off the rack and cause the car behind me to crash and cause an 18 car pileup or something. Not a fun car ride…
I made it to the shop without incident though, so that was nice. Thank you, Universe.
I took Frank’s bike in. They rolled it to the bike and returned with mine. Yay.
I took it out of the shop, got on, and tried biking. Forward felt better. With all the wind I thought it was alright. When I tried to backpedal though the chain went slack… Not yay. I revoke my yay. Nay to yay. Buying a $60 tire was supposed to fix this.
Part of me thought about just taking the bike and chalking it up to weirdness that was actually fine. But instead I took a deep breath and went back into the store, after battling the wind to get back there on the bike because of course I was biking against the wind on the way back, and said that I thought there was still an issue.
Yep. Still an issue I guess. They took the bike back. I guess there was a bunch of stuff going on with the work order in the system, too, because I had to wait for roughly 10 minutes for them to figure out what was going on with it before they could make a new order for me.
I mentioned how I hadn’t been called and how I thought it was odd when they told me the bike was ready for pick up. The gentleman, one that I see often, but not the one I normally interact with, reassured me that they would make this right by me. He was sorry that I hadn’t been called, even more sorry that the bike wasn’t fixed when I did come to pick it up, and that they had me purchase a part that didn’t fix the issue.
The mechanic isn’t in today, so the bike won’t be looked at until tomorrow, but with how windy it is outside I wouldn’t be riding the bike even if I had it, so it’s not a big deal. I’m glad that I said something, and I’m super glad that they want to correct the issue rather than doing something lame like saying, “Sucks to be you.”
So I don’t really know when I’m getting the bike back, but hopefully before too long, and hopefully it doesn’t cost me more money.
I called Zane to let him know what was going on and that I would be home soon. We started having another emotional conversation. I was glad to be having it over the phone. The distance made it easier to think and talk, much the way writing helps me figure out what I’m thinking and feeling. I don’t have to worry about the other person. I’m able to focus on the words and not have to process everything else. It makes it more detached I guess? It’s just information. Maybe part of me feels like it’s safer?
I’m not sure why this conversation was easier to have over the phone since I usually hate the phone, but it was, in fact, easier for me to talk to Zane on the ride home, and to continue the conversation once I was inside the apartment.
It ended with me wrapping my arms around his shoulders since he was sitting in one of the kitchen table chair and resting my chin on top of his head and saying, “I’m glad you are in my life.”
I didn’t have much time before having to go to work. I told Zane to enjoy his afternoon with Hannah as I switched out of my sandals into work shoes and headed out since I had to be on campus a bit early. Today was my review after all, if Clavan remembered about it that is…
He did remember. He actually called me to let me know he was running a little late, but that he would be in shortly. No worries. I can keep myself entertained.
The review went well. I still need to get better about clocking in and out. No surprise there. He was happy with my performance and he liked the goals I had picked out for myself. We have to wait and see about the Woman’s Initiative thing. I don’t think my application will get denied, but you never know.
One of the things he mentioned was that I had to have work related goals, and that all of my goals fell under the personal side of things, aside from the Initiative, which is still iffy at the moment. So we brained stormed a bit.
I’m going to be making bumpers for the podcasts he will be creating for the new class structure and doing the video editing for all of them as well. So when Clavan uses a hotkey or some sort of short cut, or talks about the path to get to a specific window, or mentions a term the students really aught to remember or write down little blurbs will pop up in the video with that information. It’s basically like making my own podcasts but not having to do the annoying part of going through the demonstration. You know, keeping the bad and going straight to the good. Yeah, it’s basically being told to do that. Yes, please?
I will be streamlining the online activities and information on the webpages so it is consistent over the whole course, which is basically what I’m doing for the Shading and Lighting class, only this would be for my class so it will actually count towards something. Another score in my book.
I mentioned how that is one thing I really liked about the Digital Graphic degree, that everything from one class to another was pretty consistent and that I would like to eventually create a template structure which all of the classes used. So we’re going to get everything straight with our class first, then propose it for across the degree.
I would love, love, doing that. I would totally head that up and do everything needed. Give me a week of admin hours and it will be done. At least once the template is set, because then all it is is filling in the blanks. Copy and paste really as long as I’m given the information I need.
So I’m actually sort of stoked for this. I think I can have fun with it because it’s design related. It’s what I want to be doing.
Right now I’m in lab, and things are going well. Zane is doing his thing with Hannah as far as I know.
It’s cold, cloudy, and icky outside, at least it was. The dishwasher is broken. The bike is a hot mess. Zane and I still have issues. I’m still in the same position at work. But you know what?
I don’t feel bad. I feel like everything will work out. I feel like the concrete block that I mentioned. I’m stable. Solid. The wind can keep blowing and while it might suck to meet it head on, I’m not going to be pushed back or crumble. I’m going to be stubborn and stand my ground.
I am the immovable object, dammit. One with cold toes, but one none the less.