Daily Post 086: The Weekend and Marriage?

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Dear Grammar Nazis,

Too long, didn’t proof read. : D

Love,
Warrior Freya

 

Yesterday was a lot of playing catch-up from my slacking off during the later portion of last week.

 

I got my last project done for my History of Visual Communications class. Two days late. I also didn’t create the assets I used from scratch, so I don’t even really know if the project will count. But I really don’t care because I loved the project and I like the way it turned out. A rubric doesn’t grade skill, or the learning experience.

 

Even if I get a zero on the project I’ll pass the class with an 80 because I got 100s on pretty much everything else. Except that one discussion post that I got a 95 on because I didn’t specifically mention at least one piece of artwork. Forget all of the amazing points I made. Because I didn’t name drop I can’t get a 100.

 

The perfectionist in me understands, but there is a part of me that looks at the assignment and goes, “This is part of the problem with our system.” It really didn’t measure anything. But I really don’t feel like going on a tangent about that, so I’m not going to.

 

I should have my final grade either today or tomorrow. It will be cool to see the comments from my instructor. She always has interesting ones.

 

It’s been so long since I wrote that I really don’t know where to start. I think the last day I wrote about was Friday. Jeez, almost a week of not writing… so much lame. It’s hard to remember the order of things so this is most likely going to be a long, rambling post.

 

Zane and I did date day on Friday. So the last day I actually wrote about was Thursday then. My day off. The day I sat and watched Boondocks for most of it.

 

Lets see then… Friday was a day of admin hours, so I didn’t have any requirements on my time. I was supposed to do the grading and work on my project, but I didn’t. Instead Zane and I sort of had a “Come to [insert deity here] meeting”. Through text because he was at work, but it was a pretty honest conversation, and it left me super introspective and shelled up for most of the day, so the gym didn’t happen either.

 

I believe the conversation started off by him asking if I was all right, which I actually really wasn’t and I told him that. I didn’t have a reason to feel sad or lonely, but I did, and I wanted to cry. Some how the subject turned to Nik and how he was feeling about that. More twists and turns in the conversation and the subject of California came up.

 

Zane has plans to move out there to open a business, and there’s a lot of perks for going to California, but the real reason behind it all was because that’s where Nik is, and Zane felt like everything in his future is uncertain now because she is marrying someone.

 

I said that the only reason I would move to California was because of him, so even though California would be an amazing move for me as far as my career goes, it’s not why I would do it. So in that regard I understood. He said he knew if we were to “hypothetically” break up that day, that California would be the one place I wouldn’t go now, because it’s something that is important to us, and if there is no us I wouldn’t want to be there.

 

He’s right. It would hurt to be there. I would think about the “what ifs” that could never happen. It would be hard for me because it wouldn’t be how it was supposed to be, so I would want to avoid it all together. I also made a joke about not breaking up “today”, that we were breaking up “tomorrow”. Leave it to me to add humor into a super for serious conversation. XD

 

The subject of what we wanted to do with our lives followed shortly after. I mentioned how I still wanted to travel, to which Zane replied that he wants to as well but he needs time and money to do that, and currently he has neither.

 

Enter in topic of the military again. Traveling is one of the main reasons I want to join still. That and paying off debt. And a ton of other pros and not a whole lot of cons.

 

Except for the cons that most of the people I have dated haven’t wanted me to join. Which has been my deterrent in the past, and now I don’t want to leave Zane. I know that’s sort of silly. I know I should be making decisions that will make me happy and move me forward to where I want to be. But I’m not ready to leave him for whatever reason.

 

Maybe it’s the fear of being alone again. Maybe it’s actually love, though I don’t think it’s love like “ ’til death do us part”. I haven’t looked all that hard at it at the moment what with making sure life doesn’t crash down around me. Damn you Past Self for being a slacker.

 

Anyway, I told Zane that the military for me would be a smart move, but that I haven’t really moved on it since being with him because I want to actually be with him. He responded with saying that I should do it before I miss out on the opportunity forever, and if he did go with me what would he do?

 

I said he could work on base, or go back to school like he wants. Pretty much whatever he wanted to do other than sit at home playing video games all day, but that’s where a lot of my conflict stems from. The only way he could be with me if I were to join the military is if he was my spouse.

 

Insert references to when we first started dating and he said that he would leave for California with out me, he didn’t want to marry because he loved Nik, and that we would eventually break up anyway.

 

Why on Earth would I have even thought that him going with me was a possibility?

 

I said that talking / typing about the subject bothered me because I didn’t want him to think I had actually been putting thought into this possibility, because I haven’t. It made me feel vulnerable because I didn’t need to hear him reaffirm the fact that it would never happen.

 

His response was that we would talk about the possibility that night. At the time my brain wasn’t able to process that information in a positive way. My fingers high jacked the keyboard and continued to pour out all of the anxiety that was building in my chest.

 

I went on to say how I didn’t want to lose Zane and that I knew that sounded really clingy and weak and how I appreciated him for putting up with me. I told him that I didn’t want to be just some person who is part of his life for a short period of time and then leaves and have our friendship / dynamic fade into the past like it meant nothing. I didn’t want to be “just a person” to him.

 

I said that he means a lot to me and the thought of him not being there isn’t a fun thought. It hurts and I don’ t like it, so I want to avoid things that make it pop up.

 

Zane: Do I need to copy paste?

Me: No. I love you. Just letting my brain rape the keyboard through my fingers. I do feel better. Who doesn’t feel better after keyboard rape?

Zane: I didn’t consent to this rape joke.

Me: Yes you did. Because that’s how consent works.

 

Sorry if that offends anyone. I found it humorous though and it helped ease over the earthquake going on inside my head.

 

We agreed we would talk about it later. I said I was going to the gym. Which I didn’t do.

 

Instead I biked to school. Originally I was only going to bike to the gas station. Roughly two miles. It’s been so long since I’ve biked. At least it feels that way. But I got to the light across the street from the station and was like, “Nope. We’re going all the way.”

 

So I went all the way to school, and I’m happy I did. The weather was awesome. Not a super strong wind, lots of sun, mostly warm, too. I went into the break room and got one of my tuna lunches with a bottle of water and ate outside at one of the tables, letting the sun warm my back and shoulders.

 

I got to let my brain settle down a little. Zane and I had broached a super sensitive subject and the world was still turning. Fire and brimstone didn’t fall from the sky. It was actually a really nice day so far and here I was pumped up with endorphins again. Yeah. Good day.

 

I biked back home after resting for a bit. So no gym, but a good workout non-the less.

 

Zane had written an email listing out hypothetical rules he would want in place if we were to hypothetically get married. I agreed with all of them. I wrote a six page email in response, explaining why I wanted to join the military, because I felt the need to go into that, along with what I would expect / want.

 

Neither of us would want anything fancy. It would be a courthouse thing. We would exchange torcs instead of rings. It would be an open marriage. It would be more a partnership really. I mean… there’s still love, but it’s not the “newly wed, let’s go on a honeymoon” sort of love.

 

I still need to explore this, but we did talk about it more Friday night while we were doing date night. We went to Tibby’s New Orleans Kitchen. It was the first time I had been there. The food was all right, but I honestly can’t say I would go back there again unless someone else super wanted to go. It seemed over priced and I know I can do better at home.

 

It was a really nice night though. I got to dress nice and do my hair. No slacker slackin’ here. Having a face-to-face conversation after all of the emotions had run their course was really nice, too. It was logical, open, non-confrontational or defensive.

 

The end result is that we’re going to re-evaluate where we’re at in November. So currently the subject is tabled, but the military is going to be my main focus now. Getting in shape for it really, which I’ve already been doing by training for my Warrior Dash, which is this weekend. >.<

 

Still sort of weird to think that before too long I might be “married”. Which really just means that when I come home to Netflix and chill, and I mean chill as in sitting on the couch in my pjs with a cup of hot tea in my hands… that I’m officially, legally allowed to get a tax break for doing it. Zane and I don’t want anything to change with our dynamic. We like what we have. I would keep my last name. It was just mean we would be allowed to stay together, if that’s the route we end up going.

 

The thought feels weird, and I know I need to look at it further, but that was a huge thing that went down.

 

Saturday I had work, which was uneventful. I used the car because the morning was productive, and even though it was another beautiful day, I ran out of time to be able to bike to school and get there on time. Lame, but I was ok with how things were working out.

 

I had figured out by then what I wanted to do for my art project so on the way into work I stopped at Publix to pick up a few magazines as well as some free publications to cut up when I found time to do it.

 

I had wanted to start that at work, but other things happened. I also wrote for the blog award I received. That was pretty awesome because I love being able to pass them on to other people.

 

I came home. I don’t really remember anything special happening.

 

Sunday I woke up at 3am wide awake. Fuck you, Body, and your increased metabolism. Since I knew I wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep for a while I went and took care of the laundry. While that was going I began cutting out words from the papers I had gotten. That was fun. I continued to do that when I got home. Zane woke up around 10. By then I had gone through everything I wanted to, and was about to move on to the next phase of the project. Gluing stuff down.

 

I knew I needed a break. I wanted to shower, step away from the project. I knew food would be a good idea since I hadn’t eaten since 3:30. A nap sounded pretty awesome, too…

 

So Zane and I cuddled for a bit as he woke up and we talked about what we wanted to do for the day. We went to the sports bar for lunch. I came home and slept for a while. At some point we talked about meals for the week. I think that was before my nap actually. I had agreed to do the grocery shopping while the Pathfinder game was going on.

 

When I got up I began work on my project again. When I was happy with it, or at least done enough to not want to keep working on it, I packed up and headed to school. I wanted to mount my project on black board and actually maybe frame it. I like the way it turned out and I’m proud of it.

 

So that was fun. The art room was completely empty. I got to scan the finished project while I was there and type up my creative brief. I got the file submitted so we’ll see what happens. I took the time to do a few other computer related things while I was in front of one, then left to go do the shopping.

 

That was a fairly painless experience since it was later in the evening on a Sunday. Got everything on the list, so that was nice. By the time I came home the guys had ordered pizza, so there was dinner that I didn’t have to worry about cleaning up after. Yay paper plates.

 

I stayed in the room for the rest of the night, though I wasn’t tired. When Zane came to bed we tried sleeping, but I kept tossing and turning and I didn’t want to keep him awake, so I ended up on the couch. Not sure when I fell asleep. 4am ish I think.

 

Monday morning we got up and got the bagels for the week’s breakfasts. I went back to sleep in the bed when Zane dropped me off back home. That was nice. I woke up around 10 and cooked the Cajun pasta to have for dinner, along with prepping all of the other veggies and meats for the other meals, so that’s done.

 

I showered and biked to school when it was time to. This month there are two labs. I told David I would take the late lab the whole month. That way the schedule is consistent for everyone. I have the light for the bike so biking during the evening should be fine.

 

The back wheel of the bike rubs against the break pad. Not cool. It made biking home way harder than it needed to be, so I’m going to look into that eventually before work today.

 

This month’s group seems really awesome. I’ve already had 3 or 5 people tell me that they’re interested in rigging as their focus. Not that I’m biased or anything… There were so many awesome questions yesterday. Like, smart, they’re thinking about the material and concepts and how to apply them to different areas, type of questions. Not, “Hey, how do I do this even though I just got out of lecture and there are like, 6 different podcasts that walk me through the project,” type questions.

 

I was talking and explaining things the whole lab. Which is awesome, but so draining. I haven’t had a lab like that in a long time. My introvert was exhausted and desperately needed my break by the time it came around.

 

So looking forward to the rest of the month though. I really think this is going to be a fantastic group.

 

I took a look at my new class. It’s a portfolio class, but I sort of feel written out for the moment, so I think I’m going to stop here and continue on with my day. I go into work for the Shading and Lighting lab at 5pm today. I had wanted to bike to the bank before going to school so I can get rent money for Trevor. I still need to make tuna for my lunches as well.

 

All the while I’m still pimpin’ out my dragons in Dragonvale, but I’ll save that tangent for another time as well.

 

Long weekend, productive, introspective, and done. I’m actually glad to leave it in the past. I’m glad to be moving forward. And I’m so glad that today is another amazingly beautiful day outside. Lets just hope I can figure out the bike so my ride isn’t as annoying as it was yesterday.

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