I ended up biking to the store after writing my blog. I got a bunch of stuff done around the apartment too, including vacuuming. Woo. I went to work where I continued to work on my homework. Frank and I talked for a while. He asked how my race went. He said I looked stoned in my pictures which makes me more self conscious about taking them. I actually asked Zane about it, if he thought I looked stoned. Blah…
Anyway. Zane picked me up from work so we could do sushi with Hannah. She wanted to hang out. After eating she wanted us to come over to her apartment since her roommate moved out over the weekend. I wasn’t up for it though. I was still burnt out from the weekend, all of the biking I had done earlier in the day, which helped my muscles relax actually, and from being at work. I just wanted to go home and shower. So we said out goodbyes and Zane and I came home.
Yesterday ended up being my day off, and it was a much-needed day. One that started with a minor blow up about the kitchen, which seems to be a reoccurring thing now. That actually ties in later during the day.
But yeah, not an overly fun morning. I had to clean up everything, wiping down the counters which still had dried up spills of alcohol from the party on Sunday. Gross, much? Only then was I able to start making breakfast. I made the tuna after that so I would have food for lunches, while still having to do laundry and homework at some point. Plus actual grocery shopping which didn’t get done the night before…
Begin feelings of being overwhelmed and it’s only 9am.
Can I have a day off that’s actually a day off?
I know that’s not really fair of me, but I didn’t get one this past weekend. I wrote about how the previous week was really rough from the start. So bad week + race day Saturday + Social Sunday + busy week so far means I really would rather the world catch on fire than have to talk to another human or make decisions or take care of shit for other people.
Zane and I talked about it. He said I should talk to Trevor specifically about him taking over washing his dishes since it’s really only him and Danielle making a mess in the kitchen and leaving it. After a while I agreed I would talk to him at some point.
I also talked about a dream that I had. I don’t remember the beginning of it. I know Warren #2 was there. I remember we talked about something, and then started walking, him following behind me. I don’t remember where we were going. There was another segment or two that I can’t recall, and then the end.
We were leaving Ari’s apartment, heading towards the gate at the exit. There’s a tall, wooden fence that separates the apartment complex from the parking lot of a shopping plaza. In the dream the fence was covered with foliage. Thick vines and leaves. All a lush, vibrant green. There were butterflies everywhere. So many colors, all different types.
I made a comment as the car drove past them, “You know, butterflies are attracted to dead things.”
As I said it the car pulled up to the gate, which opened for us. As we drove past I looked out the window and saw an owl. A barn owl, white with tannish, orange-ish markings, wings spread out on the ground. It looked like road kill. Its head was bloody and butterflies were all over it. I knew, even being far away, that the butterflies were eating the flesh of the owl. I watched as we drove past. Detached.
And then the owl lifted its head ever so slightly, eyes shut, but I could see it, I could feel it. The pain and desperation to survive and there was a sickening, icy weight in my stomach. It was alive. It was dying. The butterflies were eating it alive.
And then I woke up.
Zane and I talked about the dream. I hadn’t realized it had bothered me so much. But it did.
Zane had taken the day off because he had felt sick on Tuesday, which meant we actually got to spend the day together, alone. Something we haven’t been able to do for a while. It was a good day.
I finished off one of my assignments for school and submitted it. So that leaves only one thing to do. I plan to start work on it today. I wrote but never posted since I didn’t feel like proof reading nine pages. My mom called, but I didn’t really feel like talking, so I said I would call her back. That’s going to happen today. I chatted with my younger brother for a bit on Facebook. He’s helping me out in Dragonvale, which I’m still obsessing over. Zane says I don’t play the game right. It’s not supposed to be a second job, but what did he expect from an MMO gamer? Doesn’t help that I’m a completionist. I have to get everything or else I’ve failed.
I’m working on getting some of the rarer dragons that are only available for this month. I may have gotten the Carnival dragon, but it has the same incubation time as the Moss dragon, so I won’t know which one it is for another 12 hours. Lame.
The bike had been left at school Tuesday night since Zane picked me up for sushi. I didn’t want to be at work for 12 hours today, so Wednesday afternoon he took me to school so I could bike back home. It was super cold and windy, and the ride wasn’t all that awesome, but I did it and I’m glad I did. While I was out Zane got Chinese for dinner. We watched an episode of The Flash. It was the Christmas episode. I enjoyed it.
After the episode Zane told me to talk to Trevor, which made me feel put on the spot, and as an introvert that was a no go. Long story short, instead of letting me talk to Trevor when I was ready, Zane talked to Trevor about stepping up in the kitchen and taking care of his stuff for me.
I know Zane had good intentions. He was trying to make the environment less stressful for me, especially since it was affecting how we interact with each other. But it made me feel like less of an adult. I didn’t understand how he could have respect for me if he thought I wasn’t capable of handling my own issues. It hurt and made me angry at the same time.
I was going to do it, but I hadn’t been given the chance to is what it felt like.
We talked about it.
Zane: What do you need me to say to make this right?
Me: That you love me and that you don’t think I’m a bad person.
Zane: Silly girl. That goes without saying. I love you and I don’t think you’re a bad person.
Maybe it is silly, but I felt like I lost face with Trevor for not talking to him myself, and there’s no way to go back and change that. I’m pretty sure I’ve let most of it go. It doesn’t feel all that awesome, but it’s not like it was last night either. And the kitchen was mostly clean when I went to make breakfast this morning, which was awesome, so maybe in the end it wasn’t a bad as it felt like in my head.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions after all.
So that was yesterday. Fairly low key. Still got an alright workout in, and made progress on the homework front. The soreness from race day is pretty much all gone.
Laundry still needs to get done, but Zane said he would take care of that when he got home if I put money on the laundry card. I don’t go into work until 5pm today, so I might do it myself, using the machines here at the complex instead of going to a Laundromat. I’m not sure yet. I’m going to finish my coffee before making any solid plans.
It looks like a nice day outside. Lots of sun. I’m not sure how cold it is, but the wind hasn’t picked up yet, so maybe it will be a fairly warm day. That would be nice. I could use some summer vibes right now.
Zane snipped at me this morning but I know it was grouchy-ness and he’s already apologized for it. He feels worse today than he did on Tuesday. I hope he’s not getting sick. I hope it’s from maybe not sleeping well. We haven’t talked much this morning, so I’m not sure. He might stay home tomorrow if he can. Yay sick time. I know a bunch of people at his work have been out due to being sick. Maybe it’s his turn.
I haven’t gone back to the dojo yet. I had planned to do that Monday but was still too sore from my race. So that’s been pushed back a week. Or maybe I’ll go Saturday and train with Juan and Beata. It would be fantastic if my first class back was with them. We’ll see.
That’s pretty much it though. Nothing super crazy. Just a lax day with an unsettling dream.
I think the owl was Athena, which is a very disturbing thought. Athena was dying, suffering. I don’t want that.