It’s 6am and I’ve already cooked and eaten breakfast. Currently working on my cup of coffee with another glass to my left… It’s staring at me… I should be drinking it instead of my coffee so I stay on top of my water intake, but… coffee… and caffeine… and all of the things that are bad for me but so good at the same time…
Yeah… my water will continue to sit there and guilt trip me for a while until I finally break down and finish it off.
Anywho. I would say that I’m up bright and early but I’ve been awake since 3am and there’s nothing bright about three am.
I’m not even frustrated or annoyed that I woke up when I did. I went to sleep around 11, exhausted, slept super, crazy deep, and woke up rested and wide awake even though I didn’t want to be up initially.
When I finally realized that I wasn’t going to be able to fall back asleep I got up and finished working on my homework. I would have done more with it, but the Internet is acting screwy. Most of the pages I try to go to won’t load. My email and Facefail being just two of the many sites that give me a load error. Google won’t work, but Bing will. It’s annoying. I would have liked to finish creating my PDF, but whatever. I found other things to keep myself entertained with, like writing. : D
Yesterday ended up being a good day. I got to talk to RB for a little bit. That was emotionally charged for me, but in a good way. Healing I think. It felt nice to feel understood and less like I’m an insane, hormonal female who’s super finicky and demanding with high expectations for all life forms on Earth, including piles of rocks… which I am… but feeling human is nice sometimes and that’s what I felt like during our conversation.
I fixed the bike seat finally. This bike issue was totally self-inflicted. Seems like forever ago now… Back before December was it? I can’t honestly recall when, but I know at some point I tried switching the bike seats between Zane’s bike and the one I got from Frank. Didn’t really care for the wider seat, so I switched back to Zane’s, which is narrower.
When I put the seat back on it was tilted up slightly. No biggie. It’s not that bad. Only… after months of riding like that… yeah… it’s that bad. I’ve just been a slacker about fixing it, putting it off because, “I’ll do it before I go into work,” only to realize what time it is and rush through my shower to dash off in order to be on time. Other days I’m just not in the mood to do anything so it goes undone. I guess on the positive side… I’ve never complained about it because I know it was my fault and I wasn’t doing anything about it even though I could have easily fixed it, like I did yesterday.
I took the bike down the stairs with my Allen wrenches, took everything apart, rearranged it the way it should have been, even raised the seat a bit since I’ve been getting less extension in my legs recently, rode it around, and labeled my amazing mechanical feat a success.
The ride to work was so much nicer. The weather has been amazing recently, and een though it’s been a little windy, it’s been nice and warm. Super sunny. It’s still cool at night. Cool enough to need my sweater, but it’s not the freezing, hard to breath because I’m inhaling ice, type of cold. Just a little on the nippy side.
We’ve had the windows open at the apartment all week, airing out the rooms and enjoying the fresh breezes as they blow in.
The new room has a window facing East, so in the morning I wake up to warm sunlight lighting the room. Scarlet has a new spot under the computer desk where the light hits. She naps there, basking, for most of the day. It feels a lot like when I lived at home with my mom. The room is much bigger than the one I had, but the feelings are the same for some reason. I wake up in the morning on my own because my schedule is so late that I don’t need an alarm. In a way that makes everyday have a weekend vibe to it.
The mornings are slow, lazy, unrushed. I wake up and stay in bed watching Scarlet sleep, thinking about how I feel, what I want to do, what I need to do. Lately I’ve been waking up and having to fight off my evil voice and the sadness that goes along with it. I meditate on that for a while, slowly trying to unravel the tangled mess of a knot, but eventually I get up. I don’t stay in bed, moping, and I don’t let the negativity eat away at me. I’ve still been pretty productive this whole week. And I’m super happy that this is the first week in almost two months that I’ve actually biked the whole week to work, there and back. I’m going to hit close to 50 miles again and that makes me happy and proud of myself.
One of the reasons I didn’t write for so long was because I was sucking hard core with the bike. My legs were so sore by the end of my rides and I was on such a low gear. Most of that I think was due to being so sick, added to all of the days that I got rides to and from work. My endurance took a huge hit and I was struggling to get back to where I had been before my race.
It sucked feeling like I was doing poorly. It was hard to keep everything in perspective. Any workout is better than no workout, and all I can do is my best, and that fluctuates from day to day. I’m not always going to break my records. Sometimes I’m going to be tired or sore or just not feeling it. It was so much easier to focus on the fact that I was slower, I was breathing harder than I “should have been”, and that I didn’t want to ride because I “wasn’t doing good enough”.
That was how Monday started. And each day I rode, and each day I’ve gotten better. Last night I finally made it back to my top gear. I didn’t stay on it the whole time, but just making it there made me swell with pride. I didn’t give up, mostly because I didn’t have much of a choice if I still wanted my paycheck, but because I didn’t quit, because I pushed through it, I got better. And here was my proof that I had gotten better. Something that seemed so impossible only four days ago was totally happening, even if it was making my quads burn more than it used to. That’s fine. Let them burn. I’ll have quads of steel before the summer’s up.
I don’t really have much else to say. I came home. Zane and I talked for a bit. Things are still awkward between us, but we were able to sit in the living room together. He slept in the room, I took the couch. Hannah’s couch is actually pretty awesome. Much better than John’s. Zane is going to be heading to work shortly, so I’ll be able to take the bed if I want. Not really sure I will at the moment. I’m awake still so I’ll most likely keep picking away at my to-do list until I feel the urge to nap.
Saturday I hope to get a bunch of chores done. I already have a to-do list roughed out for the weekend. Nothing is set in stone, but I have an idea of what should happen when. I’ve even gone through and meal planned what I want for the coming week.
I recently tried a new recipe that turned out pretty awesome. Chicken Parmesan Soup. It wasn’t all that soupy for me, but I’m sure if more broth was added it would be wetter. I liked it was only 4 cups though, mostly because I like creamy verses soupy.
At some point this month I need to do my taxes. I haven’t done a complete brain dump in a while, going through all the areas of my life and writing out what needs / should / aught to happen or get done, but I’ve got a mini dump for this month. Maybe I’ll go through and do my 30-day challenge thing again. Not this week, but maybe soon, just to make sure I’m on the right track.
I’m on course to get everything on my “this week” list done, which is a nice feeling. I hope I can keep with it. So far I’ve been acing my daily to-do lists. And the tasks for the rest of the month don’t seem all that intimidating when I have it broken down into sections the way I do. Small bite sized pieces.
I think today will be an alright day. A long one maybe if I’m not able to get back to sleep, but a good one. Finishing off the homework will make me feel good, productive. It will also, hopefully, allow me to work on the project assignment during the Shading and Lighting lab today. The more I can get done with that, the easier Saturday and Sunday will be.