Musing Moment 087: I’m So Sorry


I have a few hours to myself again. I’m supposed to be sleeping but there are things I want to take care of before I do that. Updating people about mom was one of them. I updated the Facebook message I have going letting people know she’s doing ok. Getting hand soap and such for the bathrooms in mom’s apartment is another task since we are going to be staying here for the duration of mom’s hospitalization. I’m proud that I have eaten today. Once I have body wash I’ll shower. Brushing my teeth would be a good idea since I haven’t had a toothbrush to do that for days.


All of that sounds so gross and awful, and I’m sure in some world there are people who think less of me for that but all I can think about right now, alone, in front of my computer where I can finally take a few minutes to decompress from last night is the small plea my mom said.


I’ll write about the situation better once I have the emotions out. Another post with the facts and logic, but right now I need the emotions to have their time because they’ll kill me if I don’t.


She had surgery again. The hospital was supposed to call us once mom was being moved into her new room. It was going to take a while because they had to wait for the other patient to be discharged first, so we left the hospital during the surgery to get food and rest. All we would have been doing is sitting in the waiting room otherwise.


The hospital said they would call around 8pm, as soon as they were getting mom ready to be moved. At 10:30 we still hadn’t heard anything. My older brother asked me to go to the hospital to see what was going on, so I did. Of course as I got through security the hospital called Jason and told him they were moving mom. I said that since I was there I could stay with her, let everyone else get sleep, and then trade off in the morning. So that’s what we did.


Last night was one of the hardest nights I have ever lived through.


There were two instances where mom started moving around a lot. I asked if she was ok and she said her lower back hurt. The nurse said it was from being in the same position for so long. We were in the process of moving her around to get her more comfortable, but it was taking a bit of time.


I could see my mom becoming more and more pained. She started making little pained sounds, and before it was all over she had tears in her eyes.


“We’re going to get you comfy. I promise.”


“Please,” was her small, soft, barely formed word, choked out from her dry, chapped mouth which was covered by an oxygen mask because her oxygen saturation levels were too low on their own. She looked at me, begging me with her eyes to make the pain stop. Begging me with her one word that I’m sure took all of her strength and mental ability to form.


And I couldn’t.


I couldn’t make it stop. Not by myself. I had to wait and hold her hand while the nurse got more help to move her, and all I could think inside my head is, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”


I will never be able to forget that one word and how I was so powerless to be able to do anything. We did get her comfortable and the pain did go away. She didn’t want to take pain killers, and I’m sort of glad for that because she won’t be fighting through them to be coherent later.


But that happened twice last night. Twice my mom begged me to help stop her pain and I couldn’t. I can’t heal her. I can’t make her well.


All I can do is sit and hold her hand, and dip a little sponge swab into a cup of water and be her “water fairy” as I’m called now because for some reason I’m the only person she wants water from. All I can do is dab a wet cloth against her skin when she says she’s too warm even though she doesn’t have a fever.


I feel like the only things I can do aren’t enough.


She was finally able to sleep last night. This morning really since it was 5am,  all I can think about that is how perfect she looked. Even with tubes everywhere and bruises on her arms from all of the needles she’s been poked with. She was and is perfect and I love her so much. She’s the most beautiful person on the face of the planet and I couldn’t make the pain stop.


I haven’t told Jason or John about the experience. I don’t think they would understand until something like that happened to them. I hope it doesn’t.


I want to beg her for forgiveness. I so sorry you hurt last night. I’m so sorry that even though you raised me right and made sure I was strong that I couldn’t do anything other than hold your hand and keep my sobs inside until I got into the car to leave the hospital this morning.


I’m so sorry mom. I love you so much and I wish I could do so much more than what I am. I wish I could make it better. I wish I could make it right.


I’m so, so sorry.


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