Daily Post 110: Conflicting Morals


I was trying to sleep, but it’s proving pretty futile. I’m at the hospital with mom again. She was pretty awake when I got here so we had some awesome conversation. I guess before I get into that I should talk about the other things that happened during the day because that factors into it.


So I got the green light from mom the other night about moving to Vegas. That meant I needed to start figuring out my employment situation. I had already talked to Zane about the possibility of me moving. It wasn’t official yet, but we had toed the subject. We agreed that until there was more information we would leave it alone.


Well… I had more information so I could at least move forward in one area. I sent a message to Clavan going into more detail about mom. He’s part of the Facebook message but I don’t put a whole lot of details in it. I keep it pretty much the same I do on here. Just enough information to get the idea that mom is doing better.


I asked what I needed to do as far as an exit interview and such, and returning the laptop since it was issued by the school. It’s going to suck losing it. At the end of the message I said alternatively I could work remotely from Vegas and take over the online classes. It would essentially be doing what I’m doing now, just at home in my PJs rather than sweaty and gross from biking to lab.


It would let me keep my pay rate. I could keep working on my Graphics Degree because I would still be employed by the school, and I would be able to do all of the updates to the documentation and such because I would actually have time to do it. I wouldn’t be burnt out all the time from constant interaction. I would be able to keep up with all of my financial obligations…


In my head I can’t think of a more perfect scenario.


At the end of the message I said that I needed to take a moment to be sappy and girly and to let him know that he has seriously been the best boss I have ever had, because it’s true and I need him to know that no matter what happens.


I haven’t heard back from him, and I don’t expect to for a few days. He’s most likely investigating what we’re able to do before letting me know yay or nay. I can’t help but hold my breath over this. I want it to work out in my favor so incredibly much. If anyone in my department deserves to have this chance I feel it’s me. I feel I would do incredibly well with this change and that it would actually benefit our department in the long run.


So that happened.


I talked to Mother Earth for a bit. I slept a little, too. It was hard to stay asleep though. I ended up waking up, showering, and talking to my mom’s neighbors again. The wife was out sweeping. That was the first time I have met her. I explained what was going on with mom and that I would be moving in. I saw her husband as well. It was nice to see him again and to give him the good information about mom doing so much better.


They told me where the mail boxes were located and told me when trash was picked up, both things that I had needed to figure out.


I went to Walmart to get a few more copies of mom’s key made. I wanted Lio to have her own key, and since we may have more visitors relatively soon I felt it was a good idea to have a few to give out as needed. I also got some sports bras because we’ve already established that I suck at packing during a crisis. It’s nice to be in a different bra rather than the one I’ve had to wear three days in a row. For every female reading this, I’m sure you know those feels.


I also got a yoga mat. I ran out of time to do a flow today, but it was nice to buy it regardless. It makes me feel like I’m taking care of myself, even if it’s in small steps.


I got more groceries while I was out. It’s been cold here, and windy. Oh my god. I take back every bit of complaining about the wind I did while I was in Orlando. If I had to bike out here in this wind I’m pretty sure I would die.


Anyway, since it’s colder I thought it would be really nice to make chili. It’s a warm, filling meal that normally makes for a lot. I’m cool with making something super simple that will last for a while. I got a handful of other things like onions and spinach to mix into my eggs in the morning. I know I need more veg intake right now. Though, if we’re being honest, I need more intake in general. More food and more water. I’m working on it. It’s getting easier to do.


I stopped by my brother’s before heading home. It’s nice that he lives so close to mom. Allison had sent flowers for mom that I wanted to take to the hospital with me. My debit card had also come in. Yay! I can stop freaking out about hitting my credit card limit now. Lame $700 plane ticket. : /


I had also thought I had lost my Warrior Dash hoodie. Not only that, but my Army hoodie as well. You know… the only two pieces of clothing that I actually have emotional attachment to…


The Warrior Dash hoodie is special because it is from the first 5K that I ever ran. The Army hoodie is the one I got when John graduated boot camp. They’re special to me and I want to keep them. So of course I lost them and couldn’t find them anywhere, and the lost and found at the hospital didn’t have anything… Not cool.


I found the Army hoodie at mom’s place. My uncle had moved it when he had stayed in the room. Jason was able to find my Warrior Dash hoodie at his place, so both have been retrived and returned, but yeah, that was another reason for me to stop by his place.


It was nice to see him. Even though I’ve been in Vegas for over a week I don’t think I’ve spent more than 5 hours total with my older brother. Even less time with my sister-in-law. While I was there he asked if I needed anything from him. I asked if he meant in relation to moving, to mom, or just in general.


He said just in general.


“Please don’t die,” was my response. Maybe that wasn’t fair of me. Maybe I should have held that inside. I don’t know. And sitting here in the hospital hallway I’m suddenly filled with emotions of vulnerability. I’ve been doing good all day, being productive and kicking ass and taking names, and all of a sudden I feel like breaking down and crying again.


I feel like any sudden change would be too much to handle right now. The thought of my brother not being there makes my brain seize up and refuse to function. I can keep going as long as I know that everyone around me is still there. I can keep manning the helm figuring out our heading as long as I know that he’s there for when I need a hug, or French toast sticks in the morning, or just someone to report to of the things I’ve done so I can feel like I’ve actually done something.


He assured me he would do his best to not die.


I have no idea what I would do at this point if something actually did happen. I’m so not ready to handle something like that. The only thing I need is for everyone else in my life to be ok for a few more days. Maybe a week or so. Maybe until I get moved out to Vegas. I just know that right now the thought is too heavy and threatens to overwhelm me, so I’m going to move on with my writing instead of dwelling on this.


Lio had made spaghetti and offered me a bowl. Super tasty. It was nice having a hot home made meal. She helped me carry everything out to the car when I left. She asked how I was holding up. I told her about as well as can be expect. That it was easier now that mom sounded like mom again.


She said Jason was worried that he wasn’t going enough. That John and I are doing most of the “work” by staying with mom all the time. I told her that he was doing plenty. I said that I felt bad for him because, yeah, I might spend a bunch of time at the hospital, but when I leave I have alone time where I can cry or do whatever I want / need to do. Jason has to go home and be a dad. He doesn’t get a break to cope with life.


I told her that we all feel like we’re not doing enough, but we are, and we need to understand that about ourselves. Even her. She’s taking care of Jace and cooking dinner and keeping the home running. She’s playing her part and being supportive even though in her head she’s doing nothing. We’re our own worst enemies.


I came home, ate, took out the trash, talked to my Aunt Brenda, switched the wash to the dryer and folded the load that was already done. I also ran the dishwasher but I forgot to put the dishes away. Guess I should add that to my list so I don’t forget it again.


I came back to the hospital and shift changed with John.


Thus the conversation with my mom. She asked me about the moving situation and how that would work out with Zane. What I am thinking will work best is to fly back to Orlando, rent a U-Haul van, pack up my stuff, and drive back to Vegas. That drive is going to suck, but I think it’s the best option.


I would most likely leave my car with Zane. I have my mom’s out here, so there’s not real need to me to have mine. Zane could use it to still get to and from work, and really, if he crashed the car while I’m away it would actually be less inconvenient than if I were in Orlando. That’s because out here in Vegas I would still have a car, while in Orlando I wouldn’t. He’s on the insurance so if anything happened I would be ok… I don’t know. There just doesn’t seem like a reason to have to have the car with me. It would be another level of annoying to have to tow the car behind the van. That’s something I’ve never done before, and not something I’m really interested in learning.


The rent situation depends on my financial situation, which is why I’m so hoping that the remote job works out. If it does then I can keep meeting all of my obligations until they are able to replace me as a roommate. Otherwise I don’t know what’s going to happen.


The only reason Zane is still in Orlando is because I was supposed to go out to California with him. That slowly changed to me joining the military, but the base truth is that the apartment was renewed mostly because I was staying, and now I’m not. So yeah… there’s that.


There’s also the fact that moving is going to be expensive in its own right. I’m thinking about creating a Go-Fund-Me page thing when details are ironed out. I’m hoping to raise as much money with it as possible. What ever is left over from making the move would be used for mom’s hospital bills since I’m sure those aren’t going to be cheap. We don’t know what her insurance is covering yet.


I have set up a request to meet with my mom’s case worker so we can get started with Social Security and figuring out home care.


I also need to get documentation to send to school to be excused from my classes for a month or so. Though I guess that really depends on if I can continue to be an employee. I figured it was better to have the documentation and not need it than need it and not have it.


The only other major thing I can think of is that my younger brother and I are disagreeing on telling mom about her lungs.


John thinks we shouldn’t say anything yet and wait until she’s better so we don’t deter her recovery. Jason and I think the omission of truth is just as bad as lying. Not sure if I wrote this or not but the first night I stayed with mom after the second surgery, maybe it was the second… I guess when doesn’t really matter. It was the first time she started sounding like mom so we sat and played 20 questions. I told her about the surgeries and everything that had happened.


I told her the only thing she needed to remember were that we loved her, and that I wouldn’t lie to her. So here I am… lying to her… at least that’s what it feels like. Mom had said she wanted to wait on the rest of the information, but waiting and not remembering that there’s more are two different things, and I don’t think she remembers that there’s more.


John feels like he’s being alienated and that he’s “overruled” and that it’s a moot point. I really don’t want our family to be divided over this. I really don’t’ want him to hold a grudge or be resentful over it, but I know john. I know he will be pretty bitchy about it. I also know mom, and I know the longer we wait the more she’s going to feel betrayed that we didn’t tell her.


I really don’t need this drama in my life right now…


John: I’m against the idea because it might be a bit much for mom to handle. And while it may seem like she is all there she isn’t 100% yet. More like 75 or 80. But like I said earlier, I’m over ruled so it’s a moot point. Just wanted to have my last 2 cents on the matter.


Me: It’s not a moot point and you’re not over ruled. We can talk about it with Jason in the hall. We need to stay united as a family. We may disagree on things and some of us may not get our way all the time. But we can’t let that tear us apart or hold grudges and let resentment build.


We can talk about it as adults tomorrow and see everyone’s perspective. Alternatively we can ask mom if she’s ready for part 2 of the situation and leave the choice up to her.


You aren’t being over ruled and we aren’t trying to alienate you. Mom has a right to know abut her health. Omission of truth is still lying and I told mom we wouldn’t lie to her. She needs to know she can trust us, even if it’s not fun news. We can’t keep secrets and expect her to believe us in the future. Trust doesn’t work like that.



I haven’t heard back from him, but I’m hoping that we can at least agree to disagree.


Phew… I hadn’t realized how much writing would take it out of me. I’m cool with getting off the emotional roller coaster. I really should try to sleep again. I don’t’ think I’ll be able to though. I’m worried about tomorrow and john blowing up and being himself. As much as I love him he can be insanely frustrating sometimes. I need him to not get his back up if mom wants to know, and really, I need him to understand that just because he thinks it’s a bad idea doesn’t really matter. We have to think about what mom would want. She would want to know. There isn’t going to be a “good time” to talk about it. The sooner it happens the sooner we can reassure her that we’ll survive whatever it is.


There was a point last night where she said she was scared about going home and I asked why.


Mom: Because it will be different.


Me: Yeah it will be different. But a lot of it will still be the same. There will still be laundry to do, and dishes to wash. You’ll still wake up to an alarm clock, or maybe not because you’ll sleep in. The mail will still run… Just because some of it will be different doesn’t mean it will be bad.


This situation is like that. At the moment it’s just information. It’s not good or bad, it’s just a fact. Something showed up on the x-ray. We have no idea what it is.


So yeah, she’s going to be scared, but every day she has been getting better. Those whatever they are have been there through this whole week of amazing recovery, and that’s the point we have to make her see. Just because she’s aware of it doesn’t change anything. She’s still going to get stronger. She’s still going to be mom to us, and we’re still going to love her, and eventually she’ll be home and we can cross this new, sort of distant bridge when we get there.


It’s easy to jump to “Oh god, it’s terminal cancer and the world is ruined.” Right now we don’t know and worrying about it isn’t going to make anything easier, or better, or make her heal faster. It’s about knowing we have a pretty long road ahead of us, but when we get there it will feel like child’s play compared to what we have already come through.


We have to make her see that we’ll get through it, together, all of us. It will be hard, it will be scary, and we’ll all need each other and the support structure of family and friends, but we WILL get through it.


Tomorrow might be a crappy day, but you know what, when compared to the fact that we might not have had this day just a short week ago I think it’s still going to be a pretty awesome day in my book. I just wish I could count on John not being a dick to me for it… gah… siblings…


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