Mornings are the hardest part of the day it seems. I think that’s because in the morning nothing has started yet. I’m not busy yet. The to-do list hasn’t begun to roll. I’m alone with my thoughts.
Everything is heavy in the morning.
The past few days I haven’t had any pots or pans for cooking so there’s not breakfast / morning routine. We got rid of all of mom’s things because we thought I would be going back to Orlando. During my trip to LA that changed, though. I’m staying in mom’s apartment, which I’m actually ok with.
Today I went out and got a new ceramic pot set since Zane will be keeping the one I just got. I got a knife set finally. I got new dishes from Walmart along with a set of cups. I got a welcome mat for the front door. While I was having dinner at my brother’s house Lio offered to let me have some lamps she was going to get rid of, along with a three-tiered plant holder since she remembered me mentioning wanting to have an herb garden.
I’ve rearranged the cabinets in the kitchen three times now, trying to find the flow of things. I bought coat hangers so I’m not living out of my gym bag anymore. Not that I really have much with me. It will be nice to have all of my workout stuff again.
I found a dojo that I’m most likely going to be joining. Well… technically it is a dojang, but yeah… it’s a school for taekwondo. I looked for an aikido dojo, but all of the ones I found online were about an hour’s drive from me. Taekwondo isn’t my first choice, but it is an extremely close second.
I think this dojang will be what I’m looking for. The grandmaster was extremely nice. I like the fact she’s a girl, and maybe that’s sexist of me, but right now it is appreciated.
It’s still hard sometimes, and I know that I haven’t fully allowed myself to grieve. We still don’t have mom back. We haven’t spread her ashes yet. There’s still so many people to talk to, and things to coordinate, and places to go, and stuff to pack, and all of these “things” that need to get done. I haven’t had much time to myself even though I’m in the apartment “alone” most of the time. So much communicating. Sometimes I don’t have it in me and I just let the phone go to voice mail. Whatever it is will still be there later after I’m not burnt out on saying the same things over and over.
“Yes, it was sudden for all of us… Thank you for your condolences… No, there’s nothing we need at the moment…”
I feel like a broken record sometimes. Most of the time. A side-effect is that I’m sort of numb to the information now. It’s just words. Facts. Logic. They don’t hurt me like they did a week ago. They don’t claw into my chest, dragging out my heart in sliced ribbons. Overly dramatic, but pretty accurate on the pain scale.
One of my friends who has also lost his mom said that one positive side, nothing will ever hurt me the way this does, so everything else pretty much just rolls off like water.
Jon and I hashed a bit of stuff out. Zane and I did, too. That was most of this morning. Fighting and apologizing. On both sides. It takes two after all. I’m still not going back to live in Orlando. I might be able to get extended leave with work for up to 12 weeks. I’m waiting on the HR person to call me back since we’re playing phone tag.
I guess I’m just writing to write at this point. It feels good to sit down and list positive things that have happened. It’s been one week. I’ve gone to the gym three times. I ran a little over a mile today. It’s the first time I’ve run in over a month I’m sure. It burned, but I make it through all of my intervals. Go me.
I’m alive. I’m coping. I’m “learning to me” as Mama Spike would say. And I think right now that’s what I need the most. Tomorrow is tentatively a soul search day. I have to figure out who I am now. I’m no longer a teacher. I’m no longer a daughter even though I still have my dad. I only feel mildly guilty for saying he doesn’t count since he hasn’t been a part of my life for so long. I’m no longer a student, at least not as far as earning a second degree goes. I’m not longer a lover to someone since the relationship with Zane is over.
My life has changed so much. So who am I now? Who do I want to be?
Totally not up for that much brain power right now. Maybe tomorrow. But… for now, it’s shower time and then bed time. There weren’t dreams about spiders last night. Hopefully tonight is another dreamless night.