I’ve been sitting at my computer for a while now. I was finishing an online puzzle that I started during lab today. Lab went alright. It was the first lab of the new term so nothing fancy happened. Not a lot of questions.
I told myself that I was only going to organize a few of the puzzle pieces when I sat down to write my blog, so of course thirty minutes later the puzzle is done. It wasn’t very hard. Only a 300 piece one since that’s the biggest size the site I frequent can create.
Today has been hard. I got a lot done. I went to school and printed stuff out and researched a few things before going to lab. After lab I went to the storage unit to get an envelope and stamps. I went to the post office to mail something to Jason and to get change of address forms for Sir, Em, and myself. I went to Jo Ann Fabrics to get a custom frame and matt for a project I completed for Clavan forever ago. I filed my taxes and bought cat food since those places were in the same plaza.
$160 to be told I owe $38. I almost wish I hadn’t filed. Oh well.
I got a summer roll tray from Publix with a sweet tea so I could eat before going to the gym. I got my brows waxed because I’ve been wanting to do something for myself. Something totally unneeded and sort of splurgey. Girly indulging.
I went to the gym where I ran and lifted weights. Surprisingly I was able to up the weight I’m lifting on some of the machines. I would have thought it would have been a harder workout, but it was pretty alright. I’m especially happy with my running.
I went back home where I was locked out of the apartment in the rain for about 30 minutes. That sort of sucked, but it was my own fault. I didn’t realize I was supposed to take a key with me when I left for work.
I had a brief text message conversation with my dad earlier in the day. I wrote a pretty long email to Chrys updating her on life since it’s been a while since I’ve talked to her. Zane messaged me a little as well. He ended up telling me that I need to learn to relax, which isn’t the best thing to say when I’m frustrated. I stopped replying. Maybe that’s childish, but I couldn’t think of anything nice to say so I said nothing.
I keep thinking about him. About him and Sara. About how they had unprotected sex and how he didn’t tell me. I keep wondering why I didn’t deserve to be told. I keep wondering what I did that was so wrong, so horrible, that I stopped deserving respect.
I feel betrayed. I feel lied to. I feel unworthy. I feel like the people who keep hurting me in my life are my significant others.
I hurt today, in general, and maybe that’s why it’s easy to get sucked into these thoughts.
I talked to mom tonight. While Sir was on break he replied to my messages about being stuck outside. He told me to come get his key, so I did. It was raining and dark and I was cold and sad feeling already, but I drove to him. He gave me a quick hug before leaving since his break was almost over by the time I got there.
I didn’t make it very far, only to the entrance of his work’s parking lot, before I had to put the car in park and cry. Not the quiet crying either. Full on sobbing because I hurt so bad.
I told mom how I was sorry that I keep wanting to call her. How I know I can’t, but I find myself with little random pockets of time where I would normally chat with her, keeping her updated on my life. And I can’t anymore. It’s like I don’t have a reason to have a phone any longer. I can’t talk to her so what’s the point.
And I know that’s stupid because I had just gotten done using my phone’s GPS to find Sir’s work, but it feels pointless.
I told her how much I miss her and that I know she doesn’t want me to be sad. I told her about my day and how I knew she would be happy that I was getting away from Zane since he’s not being a nice person.
I talked and cried and I feel silly for crying again as I type this. Today wasn’t bad. It was a little stressful what with going back to work, but it wasn’t bad so I don’t know why I feel like this. I don’t know why I feel alone, but I do, and it sucks, and the situation with Zane doesn’t help with the lonely feeling.
He wants to be friends and every time I think about that I think about the whole Sara situation. I think about how last Saturday night he said the apartment was my home and how I would always have a place there. I think about how one of the first things I said when I was in the room, while he was hugging me, was how the room didn’t feel like me any more. It felt different and like I didn’t belong.
He had already slept with her. I had already been lied to. I guess I just didn’t realize to what extent.
He says that he wasn’t replacing me, but it’s hard to feel that way. He started seeing her immediately after I got to Vegas. Maybe that was bad timing. Maybe it is me being sensitive to things, but when you call and say that you feel abandoned and then talk about how you have a movie date with someone new it’s hard to feel valued or that I did anything more than fill a void. I’m no longer there so someone new must be found.
It makes me feel cheap. Used.
And then to say that I think you are getting more sex than you actually are… That you’ve only had sex three times. That’s three times in three weeks. That’s more than we were having. I feel I have a right to be hurt by that when our main issue was the fact that we couldn’t cuddle much less have sex.
We broke up because you said I had made it obvious that I couldn’t have a relationship without sex, and how having sex would be hard to do while I was in Vegas taking care of my mom.
I feel like I did prove I could have a relationship without sex, because that’s the relationship we’ve had for almost six months.
I don’t understand what I did wrong. You said I didn’t discuss moving to Vegas with you. But you never let me. When I called to talk to you about it the first words out of your mouth weren’t, “Hi,” or “How are you?” or “How is your mom?”
Your first words were, “You’re breaking up with me.”
I felt defeated before I had even said a word. It made me feel like things were hopeless. And I guess they were. You said you didn’t want to fight to be with me any more.
I guess this is me processing through our relationship. I guess now that my survival needs for shelter and food have been secured I can begin moving on to emotional and psychological needs.
I want to understand why. I want to understand what I did wrong. And I want better answers than, “because you’re a jerk,” and, “nothing.” I want logic and reasoning and something that I can wrap my brain around and I’m not going to get that tonight.
Today wasn’t a bad day. I refuse to use that word. I refuse to allow my brain to think of any day where I get so much accomplished and conquer so many mental obstacles as a bad day.
But right now I won’t back down on the fact that it was hard, that it’s still hard. I’m still sad and lonely and all of those other not fun, hurt feelings, and a lot of it has to do with you, which sucks because you don’t deserve the right to make me feel that way.
If you can’t take away my sadness, I shouldn’t let you take away my happiness, but does it really count when I wasn’t happy to begin with? Before I started thinking of you and what I could have done differently?
And even as I type that I know there was nothing I could have done differently. Mom asked me to be there. The only answer I could have given was yes. This could play out a million times, over and over again, and each time I would unquestionably, unwaveringly say yes. Without a second thought. Without remorse. Without hesitation.
My mom needed me, wanted me. There was nothing to discuss. There was only figuring out how to make us continue to work through these changes in my life.
I guess we weren’t worth that though. I wasn’t worth that. And the small, injured girl inside of myself who listened to daddy say that he was leaving because he didn’t love mom anymore is still inside of my chest and I don’t know how to make her understand that none of this is her fault. I don’t know how to make her understand that she is worth it. She’s worth respect and love and unconditional acceptance where she isn’t thought of as gross for biking to work and being sweaty from the effort.
I don’t know how to make her feel loved right now in the wake of what feels like betrayal.
I’m sorry Self. You are so much more amazing than you know. You are worthy of everything you want. You’re worthy of honesty and trust and love and acceptance. You’re worthy of respect.
Don’t forget that. You ARE worthy.
You’re strong. You’ll make it through this. All of this. All of these obstacles and hardships. Today was a hard day, but you survived. And even if tomorrow is a hard morning, and hard day, and hard night, you’ll keep surviving and one day, not very far away, you’ll wake up and it won’t hurt as much. It might just be a little bit better, but it will be an improvement, and you’ll keep improving, and slowly you’ll learn how to be you through all of these changes. Maybe sometimes you’ll cry, or be angry, or feel hurt again, but each time you do it will be a step in the healing process.
I love you little earth dragon, all of you, and things will be ok because I’m not going to stop loving you.