Daily Post 115: Still Around

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I’m supposed to be grading. Well… not really supposed to be. It’s something that needs to get done and I’ve been putting it off, and I had told myself I would do it now, but oh look… I’m writing instead.

 

I haven’t been writing a lot. I haven’t really wanted to. Thinking back on my days, a lot of them have been pretty good. Some of them have had their bad moments, sure, but overall I think things are going. “Going well” might be a bit too much positive for me right now, but they’re going.

 

So why this aversion to writing?

 

I don’t know, but even as I sit here in lab and type this out I can feel discomfort in my chest of doing this action. A sadness, an ache, that I can’t place or really identify yet. This might be a short post because of it.

 

I went running last night. The area I’m staying in isn’t the best, but I didn’t care. I ran anyway. I’m not a dainty little blond who looks like an easy target, not that dainty little blonds look like easy targets… No offense meant to anyone who fits that description…

 

If someone tried to jump me my mentality is, “I don’t have to win, but you’re sure as hell going down with me.” I like to think I project that vibe, and I needed to run last night. Legit need, not want. And I’m glad that I did. It’s the first time that I’ve run off of the treadmill in a while so of course I didn’t pace myself well, but I’m happy with my time and I’m happy that I did it. It was the first time in almost a week that I had done anything really physical since I’m pretty sure sitting on the beach doesn’t count.

 

I went to the gym again today where I ran, on the treadmill this time, and did a core workout from Zen Labs. I had a salad afterwards. Nothing special or fancy. Trying to stick to eating well even though I know I’m not eating or drinking often enough. The more I workout the more that issue will fix itself. So again, glad that I made it to the gym.

 

I know I’m not doing as well as I could, and right now I don’t care. I’m doing. And that’s more than I want to on some days. A couple days ago was the first time I woke up and didn’t want to get out of bed. The type of “I don’t want to move” that stems from depression. I wasn’t sore from working out. I wasn’t tired from not sleeping. I was just sad. And it sucked. And I didn’t want to move.

 

But I did.

 

I’m still going to therapy, and that’s helping.

 

I’m still dealing with Zane and that’s not helping.

 

I don’t feel like there’s really a lot to write about…

 

I’ve started playing Magic Duel on the Xbox. I can see myself getting lost in the game. I feel like I should be asking myself all sorts of super deep questions like “what is my mission statement?” or “what do I want out of life now?” but I’m not. I’m going day to day for the most part. I get tired easily. After a few errands, even ones as simple as checking my PO box, I get exhausted. Which is weird because I’m normally pumped after the gym…

 

You would think the gym would take the most out of me, but it’s one of the few things that makes me feel actually alive. I sweat, I breath, I try, I push, I strain, and in the end I feel better, more real.

 

I guess all of the little things I do through the day feel so pointless because they don’t really do much for me. Why is it so important to check the mail? Why do I have to call people back, or reply to emails? Why do I have to put in time and effort for all of these “things”?

 

I feel like a lot of things are superficial and pointless right now and that makes them draining rather than restoring. The text message conversations with Zane are emotionally draining and leave me with depressing thoughts of “what did I do that was so wrong” which I know are misplaced thoughts. I did nothing wrong and the only thing I can do is accept how the situation unfolded and move forward in a direction that is healthy for me.

 

And I guess that’s how I should look at it. Even if I do get tired, even if I do have bad days, or bad hours, I keep moving a little bit each day. Some days I move forward more than others. I don’t have a destination right now. I honestly think my biggest focus is not falling back down because I feel like the situation with Zane isn’t over yet. I feel like there’s a lot still lingering under a false, fake surface of calm.

 

I’m going to explore getting out of the phone plan with him, and until I’m off the lease for the apartment there’s always going to be that tether. I don’t think I’ll feel completely ok, completely safe emotionally, financially, until all ties are gone. So, in that regard, there are two left.

 

I don’t feel like writing more, so I guess I’ll end it here. I’m doing alright. I’m still around. Still sort of emo but hanging in there.

 

Have an awesome day and take a moment to smile at someone. I know those small, random moments of kindness have helped me make it through the day on more than one occasion.

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2 thoughts on “Daily Post 115: Still Around

  1. Many of the days between my posts are littered with escapist techniques. Gaming, tubing, F-booking, Pinning, Sometimes the deep issues are just too much and you need to not think anymore. I had a good friend that I would often call when I needed my mind to be quiet. We would get in the car and drive. We went to the beach, to the lake, to the mountains, to the forest… Anywhere but brooding in my bedroom. There will be many nights of contemplation and reflection and processing and unwrapping, but for sanity’s sake I don’t think you can unleash it all in a tight time frame. Your grief needs room to breathe. It needs the air of the life that is now in order to heal the life that was then. I’m glad to read that you’re taking care of your body. The body truly is a wonder when its well-loved and cared for. Giving it greens and cardio will support the journey you’re on more than anything, I believe. Sending many good thoughts and love your way.

    Liked by 1 person

    • There have been a few times where I get my in car and just drive. I don’t really go anywhere. There’s no real reason to do it. I just need to get “away”. I need to have a reason to focus on something other than my thoughts. I need to listen to the music with the window down, blaring something other than crappy rap. I don’t know why it’s therapeutic, but it is.

      I guess I’m not ready to tackle some of my issues, which I don’t think are really issues. My directionlessness, my apathy. They’re not problems, they’re just different than what I’m used to, and with all of the other things that I had to take care of, or am still having to content with, I’m pretty sure these are normal feelings. I shouldn’t give myself crap for feeling them, and I shouldn’t try to rush through the healing process.

      There have been a few posts / comments I’ve read mentioning how people are “strong, but tired.” I think that’s honestly where I’m at. I’m tired. I’m not ready to take on another battle and my body, my brain, knows that even if I want to tackle the next step in my life. I’m pretty sure I should finish off with the last few things in this chapter before jump starting my next one. I need to finish out the epilogue as it were.

      That whole waiting and giving it time thing… I’m trying to get better with it. : )

      Thanks for the continued support, Mama Spike. You’re in my thoughts! ^^

      Liked by 1 person

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