I had a dream that I was at an airport. I don’t remember it being extremely busy. I remember there was a line that went to somewhere but I didn’t have to stand in it. The part I remember the clearest was when I got to the security check point.
I didn’t have a bag with me so there was nothing for me to put on the conveyer belt. There really wasn’t a conveyer belt anyway. It was more like a really tall reception desk instead with the security person standing behind it. I should see their upper chest but that was about it. I think it was a girl but I’m not sure. I don’t think it really mattered.
I placed my wallet and cell phone on the counter and started to walk up to the scanner. While I was doing that the security person started making some sort of announcement about passenger items and what we needed to do with them. I don’t remember what was said, but I picked up my wallet and cell phone as I walked through the scanner and nothing went off. No alarms, no SWAT team repelling from the ceilings and tackling me to the ground.
The anxiety I had been feeling in the dream eased. I had made it through. I was ok.
I remember thinking that I didn’t have my car keys because if I had the alarm would have gone off. I remember feeling panicky about that. I remember thinking about the time I had gone with mom to pick up Jason from the airport and locking my keys in my car, sitting on the driver’s seat in plain view.
I was so worried and full of dread until I remembered that I had left my keys in the car on purpose. I had left the car unlocked so I could still get into it. I was still ok. I had everything I needed with me, and the things I didn’t I would still be able to have access to when the time was right.
I don’t remember having a destination. I don’t remember having to meet anyone, or having any real reason to be at the airport. But I remember that I made it through security so things would be ok.
I have a date on Wednesday. Maybe date isn’t the right word. Maybe meeting would be better since I’m still moving to Vegas. I don’t really know what counts as a date and what doesn’t, but maybe that’s because I’m socially awkward and I’ve never really been part of the “dating” scene.
Regardless of words and terms, I’m meeting a person that I’ve talked to for a few months now. It’s someone I was chatting with before mom’s hospitalization. We talked about games, and free lance, and blacksmithing and all sorts of random things.
As things got worse between Zane and me I stopped messaging. And then everything happened with mom. While I was in Vegas he reached out to me through email to see if things were ok. I told him about what happened. He has been open and understanding and kind and the line that affected me the most was, “Take your time.” His message was the first message I had received from anyone at the time. The first message after mom’s death. “Take your time,” gave me the permission I hadn’t realized I needed to breathe.
I think I replied with a thank you message, but didn’t really say much else. It wasn’t until I had gotten back to Orlando I reached out to him again and even then it wasn’t very much. Not until last weekend while I was in the hotel room alone. I couldn’t sleep so I got on Skype and sent a message. I don’t know why, but I felt the need to let him know that I wasn’t ok. That at the moment it was really dark for me.
He has been open, understanding, and kind, and his messages have helped me when I’ve felt alone. There’s a lot of people who have helped me and I’m grateful for all of them even if I haven’t written about them or mentioned them in some way.
Currently I have never met V. I know it might seem silly but that’s how I think of him. He’s V from “V for Vendetta” for me.
I’ve never met him. I haven’t seen his picture yet, which may seem sort of weird in an Internet creeper sort of way. He’s this amazingly compassionate person in a Guy Fox mask to me, and I want to be able to see him in person. I want to say thank you face to face for the support and understanding he has given me. I want to give him a hug and personally express how much his kindness during this situation has meant to me. And I want to be able to do that before I leave.
So yeah… we’ve agreed to meet. We’re going to have dinner at a sushi place. I don’t know what’s going to happen past that. I don’t know if that’s a date or a meeting and really I don’t care. It’s going to be whatever it is and I’m looking forward to it in a nervous, “What if he doesn’t like me,” sort of school girl way. Yay insecurities I suppose.
I think the dream was about the meeting.
It wasn’t a bad dream. I made it through something that normally gives me anxiety while still holding onto the things that were important to me.
I’m going to keep looking forward to my meeting. I’m going to keep looking forward to dressing relatively nice and going out for good food and amazing conversation since for the past nights we’ve talked on the phone as he drives to work.
I still smile when I think about it. Our second conversation Saturday night.
V: Do you want to talk?
Me: Yes and no. I don’t want you to feel obligated to talk to me, and I don’t want to darken your day.
V: I work at night… you can’t darken my day. 😉
I don’t think I have laughed and smiled and enjoyed myself so much since months before the hospital. Zane and I had been doing poorly for so long.
It’s nice to feel girly. It’s nice to have something to look forward to.