Today has started. I don’t really know what I’m feeling. Not productive. Not energetic. I’m awake and I feel like that should count towards something.
After writing last night I slept roughly 12 hours. I woke up a handful of times but wasn’t conscious for very long. It was night. It was dark. There was no reason to be awake even though I had gone to sleep so early. I allowed myself to slip back into sleep. I didn’t give myself crap for sleeping. I embraced it, willed it, and enjoyed the thought of not worrying about anything. Whatever there was could wait. Would wait. This was what I wanted to do.
And now I’m awake. Not really early, but before noon. Extra points for that one maybe?
There’s not much to do today and so I’m left sort of trying to figure out what I want to do with myself.
I’ve done the dishes already. The plastic-ware really. Since I’m in the extended stay I got plastic containers to keep food in along with plastic silverware. I enjoy doing dishes by hand, so I’m not put off by not having a dishwasher. It’s been a little hard to care over the past week, though. The plastic-ware sat in the sink since I don’t remember when. Most likely about a week.
Each time I passed by the sink I would think I should clean them. And I wouldn’t. Why should I? There was this layer of apathy over everything. The clothes haven’t been put away yet. An empty water bottle has sat on my nightstand for days.
I don’t think anything has really changed inside of the landscape of my mind. I am still batting around the thought of, “It is not my place to feel ashamed.”
I feel like a cat and the thought is a little plastic ball with a bell inside. The thought keeps my attention as I pass it back and forth between my paws, my attention laser focused but not really sure what to do.
I got out of bed. I did what I needed to do in Dragonvale, a game I started a month or so before mom’s hospitalization. I’ve kept playing it, maybe not as hardcore as I did in the beginning, but it’s been something my brain can poke at. A distraction at times. So yeah, I cleared out all of my coins, grew new food, and hatched all of my eggs. I got another Jet dragon. It would be nice to get a fourth so I have even numbers still. Three is just so weird. All odd numbers are weird… except five. Five is ok in my book.
I charged my laptop since it had died during the night. I washed the dishes so I could have a clean cup for my coffee. I’m currently sipping at it as I type. At the moment I am boiling eggs so I can make tuna.
I’m happy with what I’ve been able to do so far today, but it’s still before noon and I know I really aught to do more with my time. With myself.
I guess this is as good a place as any to figure it out. I feel low energy today. So what are low energy things I can do?
I want to do yoga at the gym today. I want to do one of the routines that I don’t currently have on my phone so I’ll need to transfer it. I want to do a morning routine, a wake up routine. Something soft and gentle. I think I would like to go running after that. Last time I ran I shaved a minute off my run time. It’s the first time that I’ve “improved” since before mom died. I’ve been so sporadic with going to the gym and what I actually do while I’m there that I was surprised I had only slipped back to my 20 minute pace. The best I’ve ever done was 14 minutes I think. Maybe only 15, but still, the point is I know I can do better. I have done better.
There’s a part of me that wants to disregard my 19 minute pace. But I’m not going to. Yeah. I have done better in the past. But you know what, I’m not in the past. I’m here, and here I was doing 20 minute miles and last time I did a 19. I’m not going to turn a blind eye to improvement, even if it is small. We all start somewhere and sometimes we have to start over. It was the first “good” run I felt like I’ve done since mom died. It was good to feel sore and like I pushed myself. It was good to see that effort reflected in my time.
So yeah… some gentle yoga to warm up, then a run. Maybe I’ll sit in the sauna as a reward before showering and getting lunch at my sports bar. I want to put the clothes away finally. I need to call the bank I had my old car loan through. I need the address to send the promissory note.
I also told Sir and Em I would come over tonight / today. Maybe that could be around dinner time. Maybe I could con them into watching last weeks Game of Thrones episode since I still haven’t seen it. It will be nice to cuddle with Scarlet since I haven’t spent much time with her. I miss my cat cuddles.
I feel like I’m sitting today. Not standing, not running, not fighting, not falling to the ground, bloodied and beaten.
I feel clean, washed and bandaged. I feel tired, but not heavy. More of a soul weary type of tired. I feel as if I’m under a tree, the sun filtering down through the leaves, warm against my skin. I feel like I’m recovering, observing. I don’t want to move much. I don’t want to do much. I want to sit and enjoy what I can from where I’m at. I’m content to not be out in the field running, playing. I’m content to sit quietly on my own and ponder over things. I’m content with getting lost in my head as I gaze out over the things around me and being left relatively alone, undisturbed. No obligations. No requirements. Just peace.
I don’t know. Maybe that’s where I’m at. Content. Though, even as I type that I know the word doesn’t feel right inside of my head. There’s a happiness to that word which I don’t feel. Maybe accord is better. A truce inside of my head. There’s no war. No fighting. There’s stillness.
I’m sure the confliction will return. I know there are still hard days in my future. But today… today it is sunny outside. Today is another day of summer. Today I might not do much, but I will do and right now that’s enough for me. I will enjoy my day of accord and continue to take things one day at a time.