Daily Post 132: Lists and Pictures

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It’s morning. I’ve been awake for a few hours which surprises me. I had a hard time falling asleep so I had thought I would be slow and sluggish today, but not so. I can’t say that I’m really heartbroken about it. Even though I had some really good times on my walkabout, there were a lot of really hard times, and I started having bad dreams while I was in Texas which made sleeping hard. I haven’t recapped that part of the journey yet, so I’m sure I’ll write about it eventually. Not right now, though.

 

The takeaway from all of that is I slept last night, and slept well, which is something I had started questioning if I’ll ever be able to do again. I guess I can. I just have to almost kill myself with a boxing workout first. Who knew?

 

I did have a really long, really weird dream, but it was a lot of random and disconnected scenes and so this is actually the first dream that I can remember which I’m not putting much stock in.

 

I’ve already showered and cooked breakfast. My coffee is sitting beside me, neglected as always since writing takes up too much of my processing power to remember that I actually need the caffeine. I’ll get to it eventually I’m sure.

 

I have therapy at 11 this morning. That’s way earlier than when I was normally going, but it was the only spot available when I messaged. I don’t mind. I’m happy I get to see my therapist and tell her about the trip. She recently went on vacation, too. It will be nice to share stories with her.

 

I guess I should talk about yesterday a little… You know… since this is a “daily” post…

 

I got a lot taken care of. I went to the storage unit again and started poking through my boxes. Pulled out some stuff to bring back with me like my dish rack. I got a new cross stitch project out of my stash. I actually ordered hand dyed fabric the other day for a pattern I bought while I was in Texas. I can’t wait for it to come in. I would like to finish both of these projects before I move into my apartment.

 

I put air into my tires and got gas for the car. I went to Publix for a few things, including a sushi bowl for lunch. Went to the bank for a cashier’s check. Eventually I went to boxing where I had a pretty intense workout. I’ve gone the past two days after at least a month of almost nothing, and nothing consistent for the past six. I know I need to be kind to myself and not push too hard. The sadness has an easier time taking hold when I push past my limits. Because of that I didn’t go to combat practice yesterday.

 

I’m not sure if I wrote about SCA combat… I’ll get into details in another post, but basically I’m learning how to beat people up with swords. It’s awesome.

 

I was super tired and dehydrated after boxing, so I came back to my room, climbing up three flights of stairs in the process, where I cross stitched and listened to an audiobook for the rest of the night. I also made dinner and tuna so I have lunches. Look at me being a responsible adult, drinking water and eating nourishing things… 

 

I should be getting Scarlet back later tonight. That will be nice but requires a bit of setting up as far as the room goes. Nothing major. Just moving a few things around. Since she can’t jump very well I want to put the mattress on the floor. It seemed to work well with the air mattress. 

 

Oh. Speaking of mattresses… my friend is getting rid of the one he currently has since he’s getting a new bed. He offered for me to have the old one for free, and a couch for cheap. Yay for having furniture for the new apartment. Still need some other things, but I’m glad those two items are off the list.

 

I suppose I should also mention that I’m writing on my older brother’s Surface tablet. I ended up buying it from him, so I now have a laptop of sorts. It’s been amazing so far. I went out I got a messenger bag so I can carry my paper notebook with me along with my Surface, and all the other odds and ends that I normally keep in my backpack.

 

I like the smaller bag. The backpack is sort of overkill now since I’m not having to carry a change of clothes with me to work.

 

My body is sore today, but it still feels like it will be a pretty decent day. If I were using my friend’s scale I would most likely say today is a seven. At least at the moment. For now I’m going to go so I can write up a to-do list for today and start picking away at it.

 

That’s something I’ve been doing since I’ve been back. Sunday I went out and bought a new notebook. I’ve been making a list every day since Monday. Logically my brain goes, “Well, that’s only three days. Do you want a cookie?” Honestly though, making a to-do list used to be a core action for me. Every day, no matter what, I made my to-do list. Either right before bed or in the morning with breakfast. It was like brushing my teeth or taking a shower. It was like breathing. It just happened, no questions asked.

 

I’m trying to get back to there. I’m trying to figure out me in the wake of mom’s death and to-do lists are part of that me. I miss them. I miss the structure, the accountability, the guidance, the reliableness. I wasn’t perfect with them before mom’s death, so I’m not looking to be perfect now, but four days in a row is pretty good in my book, so don’t mind me while I sit over here sipping coffee feeling accomplished.

 

Here’s to trying to have another good day. Cheers.

 

Oh… and a cute picture that a friend sent me, because who doesn’t like cute pictures?

 

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Daily Post 131: Back in Orlando

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I’m back in Orlando. I’m back at the extended stay. It’s the same one I stayed at before my trip. I wasn’t able to get the same room, but the one I’m in isn’t bad. I made breakfast this morning. I’ve already been to the storage unit once to get most of the things I want to have with me during this final month before I move into my apartment. I’m thinking I’ll make a second trip today. I think I’m going to get Scarlet today as well. If not today maybe tomorrow. I miss her and need me some cat cuddles.

 

I’ve seen the Blacksmith and Big Bad already. I realized on the flight home that I think of Orlando as home. Actual home, not just home as in “I’m using the word home because that’s easier than saying this is the place I’m currently staying”. There is a sense of belonging here that I didn’t feel while I was on my walkabout. A feeling of “this is where I want to be”. At least for now. Seeing both of my partners made it feel real. Like I’m really back. I don’t have my own place yet, so the extended stay isn’t really “home”, but seeing them, seeing my brother, having dinner with Nicole, messaging everyone to let them know I’m back… All of those things made it feel nice. It made me realize that as a whole, this is where my heart is. Even though it’s autumn and summer is over, this is where I still feel warm and alive. 

 

I really don’t think I have much to write about since not a lot has happened. I have decided to not pursue work until after the new year. Most likely not until after Allison’s wedding in April, which will be the official one year mark of mom’s death.

 

If that’s the game plan I stick with then I’m not going to have work to keep me entertained and occupied. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. What should I do with my time then? I’m still in the “zero fucks given” stage and so a lot of things don’t seem appealing or worthwhile. I still want to workout. I still want to focus on improving myself. Boxing, kick boxing, SCA combat practice, aikido, taekwondo… all of that appeals to me still. Biking, yoga, running. I want to get back into a routine of caring for myself since I really haven’t done that these past six months. Not consistently at least.

 

With that goal in mind I went about editing my Google calendar. When I was working and an employed productive member of society I lived by my calendar. It told me when to be at work, what classes at the gym I wanted to do, what my social obligations for the week were… Google ran my life. Since resigning what… three months ago now…, I’ve been sort of drifting, floundering. Eeking by day by day, somehow getting things done, but not really having structure or any way to recount my days. 

 

Well… I’m going to try to get back to it. I’ve made events for the times I want to be at the gym. I’ve made events for the SCA practices. I even made events for study time since my board is coming up, hopefully soon if they ever send me the test date. Once I pass my board I was thinking for finding something to volunteer with. I haven’t thought very far in that direction, but I think it’s one I’ll seriously look into once I’ve settled from the move. 

 

I might not have a whole lot going on still, but I now have some things to hold me accountable for my time, and that makes me feel less like a slacker.

 

I went to boxing yesterday, so we’re off on the right foot. I didn’t stay for the whole class. I’m pretty unconditioned what with three weeks of not doing much, but I was content with what I did do. It’s my starting point. Hopefully today I do better, but if I don’t, that’s ok. There’s tomorrow. I’m going to keep at it until I get back to where I was, and I’ll keep at it past that to get even better than before.

 

I like the way this plan feels in my head. I know it’s a lot of “Screw it. I’m going to do what I want to do,” which is pretty much what the past three weeks were, but it feels like a good plan in my head. I know myself. I know that if I don’t want to do something and I try to force myself to do it that it’s going to end in an amazingly fantastic blazing ball of fire.

 

I’m not ready yet, and that’s ok. I feel stable today. My friend asked me yesterday how I was feeling on a scale of 1 to 10. Yesterday was a seven. Today I think is an eight. I might feel guilt for that later, but right now I have energy and things to do, so I’m going to go do them while I can.

 

Yay for finally being able to write a non-emo post. 😀

Daily Post 130: Vegas Conversations and Realizations

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So I guess this is where I try to start getting back into my routines. Maybe it’s a little early for that since I’m still in Texas. It’s night time though. I don’t have much else to do other than to write and to go to sleep. It reminds me of the time I lived with Joshua. My life may be going back to that pretty soon, or at least something similar.

 

I guess since I recapped Colorado I should recap Vegas.

 

It was good to see my older brother. It was good to see my sister in law and my nephew. It was good to go out to dinner and a movie with Jason. We went hiking while I was there. We were supposed to go for a six mile moderate hike. Instead we got lost and ended up doing a three mile difficult trail. I was pretty done by the time we got back to the truck. At least I remembered to put sunscreen on this time. My sun poisoning appreciated it. I’m still peeling from Colorado…

 

While we were hiking Jason and I actually started talking about mom. Not just legal talking about the estate. Emotional talking. He asked how I was doing. I said I had good days and then I had really shitty hard days. I asked how he was doing. He said about the same.

 

We talked about Jon. We talked about dad. We talked about his marriage. We talked about pretty much everything. It was hard to talk through parts of it. It was hard to not choke on the words I wanted to say. It was hard to hear some of his. Jason and I have always gotten along fairly well though. We even talked about the one time he snipped at me and how even though I understood why he had been frustrated with me that it had still hurt and I always worried about it.

 

When I get back to Orlando and set up the PS4 I got from Nicole we’re going to try to do game nights every other week or so. I told him it would mean a lot to me for us to have something like that. I told him how with Jon being angry at me that I was worried about our family falling apart and losing each other.

 

He asked me to come out for Christmas. It wasn’t just Lio wanting me to be there. Jason wants me there too. He said no matter what I’m always welcome at any time. That meant a lot to me too.

 

Jason drove me to the airport for my flight out to Texas. He walked with me up to TSA. He always does. He doesn’t just drop me off, he waits to make sure I make it through TSA ok. It’s one of the things I can always count on, not having to navigate the airport on my own.

 

Before I left to get in line I told him that there was a quote from Word Porn on Facebook. It said, “So far you’ve survived 100% of your worst days. You’re doing great.” I told him that I appreciated him and everything he’s done for me so far and that he’s doing great. We’re both awkward when it comes to the emotional stuff, but I needed him to know that he really is doing good even if it doesn’t feel like it because I know he doubts himself and he worries, just like I do.


Vegas was the hardest part of my trip so far. I think it’s going to be hard when I spend time alone with Allison’s mom because I think she’s going to ask the really deep questions that no one wants to ask when we’re in a group. I’ve cried most nights during my trip so I don’t know why there’s this urge to be with Mrs. Tina so I can cry more. Maybe it’s because she’s like my second mom. Maybe it’s because I really want a “mom” hug and she’s really the only parental figure so might be able to pull it off. I know it was hard getting a hug from her the other night when we all went out to dinner. She’s a “safe” person who I think would understand, even though I’m not sure how she really could because her mom is still alive. And it’s shit like that which makes it seem so unfair.

 

I’m 27, almost 28 and I’m having to face this hardship. There are people twice my age who will still have their parents for years. There are people half my age who have already lost their parents. There are people who never knew their parents. There are abusive parents, there are neglectful parents.

 

Why does it all have to be so exhaustingly complicated?

 

Warren #1 might be moving in with me into the new apartment. Amber called the engagement off. There’s a lot more that goes into his situation, but basically since I have a two bed two bath apartment that I wouldn’t mind having help financing, and we both want to “be alone but not alone” at the moment, we’re going to try to give it a shot. We both have voiced our concerns and fears. We both know our expectations from roommates. I think we can make it work. I don’t have a rose tinted fantasy about the situation. He’s taken a lot of my calls where I cry and confess to not knowing how to breathe. He helps me through the pain of mom not being here anymore, and I’ve helped him through the pain of Amber. We understand how we’re both wounded, and we know how to help each other through it. I think it’s a good situation for right now. For both of us to get back on our feet.

 

The universe seems to be doing a lot to line everything up, so until it seems like the wrong thing we’re both going to go with it.

 

I had the realization in Vegas that December is going to be really hard for me. I knew I would have a birthday, but I hadn’t gotten to the point where I had the conscious thought that I would have a birthday without mom. My first one.

 

Really, it’s the first birthday out of any of us. Jon had his birthday while mom was in the hospital, which sucked, but she was there. I had gone out and gotten those string together letters and we made a sign for him, and I got cards for everyone to sign. I even got him a pin that said birthday boy and said it was from mom because even though she couldn’t go out and get him anything I knew she would have wanted to. She wanted him to have a good day.

 

And he did, I think. I took him out for dinner and we went to a card shop and got Magic the Gathering cards. It was a shitty situation but we did the best we could.

 

Mom won’t be here, and typing that makes my chest tight. It makes me feel alone. Like I’m missing something. Which makes me feel like I’m disrespecting the spiritual connection I do have.

 

Mom won’t physically be here. And typing that seems more accurate, but doesn’t make it any less painful or crappy feeling. I still struggle with feeling selfish. There are so many other problems in the world. So many other things that are horribly wrong, and here I am making it seem like my life is awful when really it isn’t all that bad.

 

I’m traveling. I’m not having to worry about work. I have food. I have cloths. I have a place to stay. I have my cat. I have friends who love me.

 

My mom is dead.

 

It’s like cold ice water. It’s like iron snapping. It’s sudden, abrupt. It’s a shock to the system that can’t be circumvented or mitigated. Nothing can lessen the impact. Nothing can change it.

 

It happened. It’s a fact. And it makes everything seem so small and trivial and pointless. Yes, I have these things. I would give everything, literally, everything to be able to change that one fact.

 

I can’t though. No one can.

 

I don’t feel like writing more. I will come to terms with December, but tonight is not that night.

Daily Post 129: Reminiscing Colorado and Other Ramblings

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I have a few hours to myself, so I figured now would be a good time to write. Not the emotional purge of two days ago, but a recap of my time in Colorado before the events become too fuzzy to remember. The emotions will always be there, but the details fade, sort of like when you’re looking at the horizon. It’s all soft, blurry, the details of the scene faded until all that’s left the the general shapes and colors.

Colorado was awesome. I don’t think it’s ever a place I will want to live. It has a “big” feel to it. There aren’t many trees. The area I was at seemed to be mostly grass land. The rolling hills would break up the landscape, but there was a feeling of openness that I’ve never really felt anywhere before, and a feeling of oldness. Slowness. Maybe that has to do with it being autumn already. The seasons are turning away from my months. Away from spring and summer and closer to the slumber of winter. I can feel it in the coolness. I can see it in the way the blue of the sky is more white.

And maybe all of that is inside my head, but there you go. Crazy is just a side effect of awesome, right?

Either way, there’s something about that openness that I can appreciate but not truly be comfortable with. So while I enjoyed visiting, I can’t say that I would want to leave the warmth of Florida to live there. Even being here in Vegas, while I am more comfortable, it’s already chilly in the morning and hard to find motivation until later in the day. Even with a cup of coffee.

It was amazing seeing Chrys again. I enjoyed our trip into the mountains. The mountains there are so vastly different from the ones around Vegas, which is interesting to see since they are part of the same range. In Colorado the mountains have forests, trees, water, life. There’s a subtle, quiet energy. Like a sleeping giant.

The mountains in Vegas are like the bones of the Earth. I suppose that’s the difference between a forest and a desert. The desert calls to me. I feel it in my body. The forests of Colorado I enjoy, and I think I will have a fondness for them, but I don’t “feel” them. The south is in my blood. The desert is in my bones. I’m not sure where the forests of Colorado are in that regard. It feels like it’s on the outside of me, not part of me, and maybe that in a way sounds bad, but to me it isn’t.

It’s a fact. Not everything is meant for everyone. I have an appreciation and I feel that’s enough.

We went hiking for 12 miles last Thursday. According to fit bit we climbed something like 172 flights of stairs. The last three miles were brutal for me, but I regret nothing. I’m actually pretty proud of myself. I didn’t think I would be able to do five miles, much less 12. I haven’t been consistent with the gym lately. I have never walked for that long, so my endurance impressed me. Let’s throw in the fact that I only had roughly 24 hours to adjust from sea level to 8000+ feet of elevation. There were times I would be winded just from getting up out of the chair, much less climbing over rocks and boulders. I questioned if there was oxygen in the air sometimes.

Yeah. I’m the biggest baddest bad-ass out there. /flex

I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the times Chrys and I walked together. I enjoyed the times we talked. I enjoyed the times of solitude where she walked ahead of me.

There was a moment where I was alone and a breeze blew through the trees making the leaves and branches rustle like rushing water. I stopped and let it wash over me, arms extended. There was the quiet strength that I associate with those mountains and I let it flow inside and through me. I felt mom in that breeze and by the time it ended I had tears in my eyes.

I’ve felt mom several times during this trip. It’s been hard, but good at the same time. I guess that’s why yesterday was such a slow and lazy day. Even though I haven’t really done much I feel like emotionally I’ve done a lot of leg work.

We went to a local restaurant for dinner after our hike where I had one of the best steak dinners ever. Part of that may have to do with hiking 12 miles and needing to eat… but I’m pretty sure it was still an amazing steak. The water in Colorado is also pretty amazing, unlike the water in Orlando. A lot of that has to do with the type of aquifer in the area, but I will say, that’s definitely a plus that Colorado has over other areas I’ve lived.

Chrys and I went to a concert the day before I left for Vegas. High Elevation in Denver. I got to see some really awesome bands, including Chevelle which is one of my favorites. They sang two of my favorite songs and I unashamedly sang with them. I got to see Volbeat which is a band I didn’t know about before buying tickets for the concert. I got to see Avenge Sevenfold as well. Lola Black was a good band, and In the Whale is a local band from Denver which everyone should check out because they’re worth it. Being the sacrificial offering band opening for everyone, especially a headline like Avenge Sevenfold, is hard but they did an amazing job and I would totally see them again the next time I’m out that way.

I guess I made an impression on EJ, Chrys’ son. He keeps asking about me and wanting to see me. Chrys and I have joked about it a bit through text messages, how I didn’t do anything special to deserve his infatuation. Really… all I did was breathe, but I guess that was enough. He’s another three year old who mildly intimidates me because they’re a growing human and all of the interactions they have with the world around them is shaping them. Am I being a positive influence or am I creating insecurities, fears, doubts within them? Am I in some way scaring them for the rest of forever?

It makes the idea of being a parent seem like the heavy weight which it is. I’ve been asked a few times since starting my trip if I have plans for children in the future. My response is always that I aught to find a good spouse first before thinking about having kids, which is sad but true. I don’t have an amazing record in that department. And with all of the processing I’m doing with mom’s death I really don’t feel like delving further into hashing out my emotions in regards to relationships.

I’m happy for the people who have them. I’m happy other people have happiness. Right now I’m ok with being “alone” because I’m actually pretty content with the arrangements I have. I know they’re not “’til death do us part” relationships, but my partners care about me and support me through the hard days just as much as the good days and I think right now that’s really what I need. Support and understanding, which in itself is a type of love. Compassion. Empathy.

It was nice being in a house again. A home. I don’t know if I can put into words what it felt like to sit on the couch with Chrys, me cross stitching, her playing on her iPad (at least I think it was an iPad), Star Wars playing on the TV, neither of us talking, but neither of us feeling the pressure or need to fill the space between us. It was comfortable. It was welcoming. It felt like home. I belonged. I was welcomed. I didn’t have to be anything other than me, because being me was enough.

It’s like that here in Vegas, too. At least mostly. I think Lio feels a bit of pressure to make sure I’m entertained, but there’s no pressure from Jason. Jace is up early in the morning and so my days start around 7. Really… 6:20 and I fight it, staying in bed until I realize it’s futile and actually get up. I’ve been going to sleep around 8, so you would think with all of that sleep I would be rested, but I’m still sluggish and tired most days. Curse you emotional processing, curse you.

Today is the first day where I feel antsy and like I should do something. Go to the gym maybe… Since I am going hiking tomorrow though I think it would be a bad idea to strive for something today. Maybe I’ll walk with Jace after his nap. He used to walk with mom during Christmas to look at the lights on the houses. That’s another thing which will hurt the first time we do it. It’s the pain of change. In some ways it’s like trying to make a river flow in a new direction.

Yesterday I went back a reread all of the posts I made from mom’s hospitalization up to her death. I’m glad I did. I think I want to print out those pages. I want to have a physical thing to hold. I feel, at the moment, this is the most life altering experience I have had. All of the heartache and grief of past relationships seems so trivial, so petty, when compared to this. My letters to mom… I want to have a book, a physical journal for those thoughts. So I think that’s what I’m going to do when I get back to Orlando. My book of survival.

I don’t have much else to write about right now. Jace has a belt test for karate tonight that I’ll be going to. I’m not sure how hard that will be. I know I wish mom could be sitting with me. She would be so excited. I think both Jason and Lio will be there. I don’t know if that will make it better or worse.

Jason and I haven’t talked about mom at all. Not the emotional side of things. We’ve talked about the estate and the legal nonsense we’re still having to work through, but neither of us said anything as we drove past the hospital the other night. Really, we had a moment of silence I guess. Both of us knowing that there aren’t words. There will never be words. There is no language to express the depth of what we feel, the spectrum of emotions. No colors able to paint a picture. In that way we’re very similar and because of that shared silence was enough.

I suppose I should stop rambling for now and actually work on doing the computer chores I need to do while I have the house to myself. Yay paying bills and other adult responsibilities. I guess I’m still doing alright in that regard. I had worried that with being on vacation and being unemployed still that I would be giving myself more shit for being a slacker, but you know what? I’m still on top of things, so fuck it. I’m doing good enough, and right now, that’s enough for me.

Letters to Mom 007: A Much Needed Talk

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I wrote this last night but was unable to post due to laptops being lame and emotional exhaustion.

At least I’m posting now, right? That whole better late than never thing, mayhaps? ^^;


 

Hey mom.

I need to write to you right now, and that sort of sucks because the only thing I have to type on is a micro Dell laptop that I guess Jon got when he first got out of basic training. I had mentioned to Jason that I was in the market for a laptop since I had to give mine back to work and he got this thing out for me to play around on. This is the first time I’m poking at it, and I can already tell that I won’t like it, but for right now, it’s the only thing I have to spill the words out on, so I suppose it’s serving its purpose.

I’m in Vegas right now. I’m with Jason, Lio, and Jace. I’ve only been here a few days, and I’ll only be here a few days more. There have already been some really hard moments for me and I need to tell you about them. I’m already crying which is frustrating because it’s hard enough to type on this tiny keyboard without the added complication of not being able to see what I’m typing; in Word Pad no less since this thing apparently doesn’t have the Office suite…

Anyway… Take off from Denver wasn’t so bad. I still had tears and the conflicting feelings of my brain begging you to be alive when I landed, just like the first flight out to Vegas five months ago, and the despair of knowing how futile feeling those emotions are because you’ll never be there. Not this time. Not next time. Not any time I fly. It’s like those emotions are ingrained into the experience of take off. The experience of not being connected to my phone for four hours and not knowing what was happening. Not knowing what I would be walking into when I got off the plane and wishing, bartering, begging with everything that I had for you to hold on long enough for me to say goodbye. To say I love you. Four hours of “Please be alive. Please be there.”

But you won’t be there anymore. And I know that. Yet I still feel everything so intensely when the plane starts down the runway, and it doesn’t matter that I know you won’t be there now. My brain still says those words and I still have to hide my face from the people sitting next to me so they don’t see the tears I can’t stop.

I know the feelings will be there now. I understand what it feels like and I’m better able to cope with them; the thoughts, the feelings. I’m sure I’ll still feel those feelings when I fly to Texas on Saturday. And I’m sure it will still hurt and I’m sure I’ll make it through the trip just like I’ve made it through all of the flights so far. It still sucks though, and I don’t know why but I want to tell you that it sucks. I want you to know that it hurts and that I miss you every time.

It sucks and I make it through it.

I read Jace his first bedtime story. I think that would have made you smile, but that was really hard too. I wasn’t prepared for it. I wasn’t prepared to walk into his room and to see your picture there on his dresser. I had to hold it together while he rummaged through his bookcase and picked out the story he wanted me to read to him.

Mom I wanted you to be there. I wanted you to be the one reading to him. It should have been you. You should have been there to smile at me and tell me how I am becoming a good aunt and that I’m so good with him. You should have been there to encourage me and to tell me that I’m not fucking things up with my not knowing what to do with a three year old.

We had dinner that night. Lio’s parents came over and that sucked because I was sad from reading the story to Jace and had to keep that sadness from consuming me. Jason, Lio, Jace and I sat at the kitchen table like a family and ate dinner together and I didn’t want to eat. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream because it hurt so much. I knew it would it would hurt. The whole time I was in the kitchen making my plate the only thought I had was how I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to sit down. I didn’t want to do it because that would make things real.  But I knew it was something I was going to have to do. To face.

You’ll never sit with us again. Not that night. Not the next night. Not on Thanksgiving. Not ever.

It’s all of these stupid, trivial things that shouldn’t hurt but they do, mom. They hurt so much and I wish you were here so you could hug me because you always made everything feel better. You always made me feel like no matter what, no matter how much things sucked, or how much they hurt, that they would be ok. You always had a way of making me believe that I would be ok. And now that you’re not here I’m having to tell myself those words. I’m having to believe myself and sometimes that seems like the most impossible thing to do. Sometimes it still feels like a lie that I’m trying to make myself believe.

I don’t know how to handle the holidays this year. You won’t be here for Thanksgiving and if a normal family dinner hurt that much I can only imagine what that day will be like. Or my birthday. The first one without you calling me to wish me a happy day. Or Christmas just a few days after that. Not even a week. I guess that week is really going to hit me hard with so much so close together.

The first New Years without you…

Mom, how am I suppose to survive all of that?

Jason and I went out tonight. We went to different stores trying to find sandals for me to replace the ones I’ve had for four years. We went to a craft store because I told Jason about some art books I had seen and he was interested in them. We went to Barns and Noble and spent a while looking at books. I think that would have made you smile. You always loved that the three of us liked to read so much.

We went to dinner where they had paper on the table with crayons and I got to color and draw and I guess that impressed Jason. I don’t think he’s ever seen me draw. Not since going to school. We played a game of tic-tac-toe where neither of us won. We went to the movie theater and watched Star Trek. I think you would have liked the movies. I think you would have actually gone to the theater and watched it with us if you were still here. One of the few movies you might have been interested in.

I think the last time Jason and I had any time alone was seven years ago, when we still lived in South Carolina. I think the concerts he took me to where the only times we ever spent time alone. We were always with Jon, or Lio, or it was all of use together. I don’t mean for that to sound bad, because in my mind it isn’t. It’s just a fact that I realized. It was a really nice night. It was an amazing night where we both laughed and talked about games, and books, and movies, and got to remember just how similar we are even though there’s twelve years between us.

We had to drive past the hospital you stayed at. The one where you died. Part of me wants to go back there. Part of me wants to see the room. I don’t remember the room number even though at the time I thought I would never forget it. I would still be able to walk to it. I remember the elevator ride up. I remember walking down the sterile halls to your room. I remember Jon placing your ring into my hand.

I don’t know what it would do for me. Nothing… Everything… Would it hurt? Would it help? I don’t know. Maybe it’s just a sick way for my brain to jab at this wound with a rotting stick. Who knows?

I know I won’t go there this trip. Maybe on another one though. Maybe one day it will happen.

I talked to Lio about the holidays. She wants all of use to come out. She thinks it will be good for Jon and I to be together. She thinks it would let us hash things out in a safe environment. I don’t want to be alone on those days, so I guess I’ll be here even if Jon is. I think Jason would put a stop to things if he started being vicious towards me.

I miss you, mom. I wish you could see the changes Lio has made to the house. You would be impressed with how crafty she is. You always were. I wish you could hear how much Jace is talking. I wish you could hear him count to 10. I wish you could see him dance to Turn It Down for What. You would think it’s the cutest thing in the world even though you would most likely despise the song.

I wish so many things, and it all comes back to wishing you were here.

I know you’re with me. Jace has already asked about the pendent I wear. The little urn I got so you would always be with me. He knows it’s something special. The way he looks at it. The way he reached for it while I was buckling him into the car seat when we went grocery shopping. It’s not the same as his fascination with other things. He loves you mom, and I so wish you could still be a part of his life.

I wish you could still be a part of mine. Physically.

I knew this would be the hardest part of my month of traveling. The days are getting easier the more I’m here. Dinner the second night didn’t hurt as much as the first. Reading the second bedtime story didn’t make me want to break down into tears. I made it through those firsts and survived. I’ll keep surviving my year of firsts.

And I guess that’s as good a point as any to end my one-sided conversation on. I’ll keep surviving, mom. I love you. I miss you. I know you’re still with me. I’m sorry it still hurts and I still cry.

I love you. Forever and for always, and I’ll keep surviving.

Daily Post 128: Recaping While On the Road

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September 4th. Another forth passed. Another month added to the handful I’ve had without mom. Five months so far. Next month will be the six month mark. I don’t know why 1/2 or something is significant. But it is. Each month is still significant for me. Still aches.

 

I suppose I should start with a mild recap since I haven’t written in I don’t remember when. I got an apartment on my own. With mom’s help really. I wouldn’t have been able to do it alone without the inheritance money. In a way I’m glad that I can look at the situation as her helping me. I move in November 8th, which is still a ways away. I’m very much looking forward to it though.

 

I finished my final test for the CNA course I was taking. That led to a lot of unsettled emotions since I didn’t have mom to call. I know she would have been proud of me. It still would have been amazing to hear her voice, or to get a hug in person. The following Monday I had to go back to the school to sign up for my board certification. They’re supposed to send me a date for my exam in about a month and a half. And that too hurt. More than I thought it did.

 

That night, Monday night, I was lost and alone and I didn’t know how to breath through the pain that wouldn’t go away. Warren #1 talked to me. Actually, it was more like he let me talk. He let me say all of the things that I wanted to say even though I knew they wouldn’t fix anything. Saying that I miss her, that I want her to come back, that I’m lost without her… it doesn’t make me miss her less, it doesn’t change the fact that she’ll never walk this earth again, it doesn’t make me any less lost… but it makes the pain ease. The feeling of black claws piercing my chest to crush my heart lessens. The claws retract slowly, and eventually I’m ok enough to hang up and go back inside where I sleep for hours because I’m exhausted.

 

Since I have so long to wait for the exam I’m on walkabout right now. I flew to Colorado yesterday to spend a week with a friend I haven’t seen in seven years. Chrys. I’ve talked about her here and there. But yeah. Currently sitting on her husband’s laptop typing away while we wait a bit longer before driving out to the mountains. We’re going to spend a few nights in a cabin, do some hiking, do some drinking and reminiscing and catching up on seven years… Should be fun. We also have plans to go to a concert the night before I leave.

 

Once I’m done kicking it in Colorado I head to Vegas to spend a week with Jason. I didn’t get to see him much when I was out packing up mom’s apartment. I’m hoping to get more family time in, even if it’s just lazing around the house not doing a lot. With all of the BS going on with Jon I really wouldn’t mind having a hug from one of my brothers where I don’t feel like an awful person.

 

After Vegas it’s off to Texas to spend the last bit of time with a friend from high school, another person I haven’t seen in years. Allison. I’m supposed to be her maid of honor so we have plans to go dress shopping while I’m there, but aside from that it’s really just spending time together.

 

I’m looking forward to everything, but I’m also looking forward to being back in Orlando.

 

For the last few weeks I’ve had Scarlet with me at the extended stay. I snuck her in because it sucked so badly being apart from her. I needed cat cuddles in my life and I honestly feel like we were both better off for it. Currently she is camping out with Randy and Emily. I hope she’s doing ok without me. I know the past five months have been just as hard for her as for me.

 

I’m still on the apartment with Zane, but the apartment in Vegas is completely 100% taken care of. Woohoo for something getting done. There was a guy Zane was trying to get onto the lease, but he was denied. Since he was denied I can’t be removed and Mr. New Guy isn’t allowed to stay. When I was as the office inquiring about the lease I asked if there was a way to make sure Mr. New Guy moved out, since I don’t want to be responsible for an unauthorized occupant. The receptionist sort of danced around it saying if maintenance saw something they would do something about it, but basically the office isn’t going to enforce anything.

 

I asked since I was a listed occupant if they could check for me. If Mr. New Guy is still there the office will have to issue a notice to cure. If the problem isn’t fixed in a certain amount of time then we all get evicted. I said I was ok with that. That I have given Zane more than enough time to figure this out. I wanted to know if Mr. New Guy was still there and if he was I wanted a notice to cure to be sent out. So we’ll see where that goes.

 

As far as the phone. I had to pay $400 last month because Zane hadn’t paid the previous month and wasn’t going to pay the current month. He wasn’t going to tell me about it either. I only noticed because I happened to check before going over to sign the roommate release form. Five days into this billing cycle and we’re already at 90% of the data used. In previous months it was my fault we went over the data. Having to use my phone for GPS navigation while out in Vegas or staying in touch with people through Facebook ate through it. I paid the overage charges so the bill remained unaffected.

 

Zane isn’t going to pay for his overages. Since he won’t take care of the phone I suspended the line. He hasn’t contacted me about it. I haven’t figured out what I want to do about the $400 still owed on his phone for the $600 owed on mine, which was supposed to be a gift. And right now, while I’m in Colorado, or where ever I end up being, and not in Orlando, I’m not going to worry about it. It’s still going to be there in a month. I’ll take care of it later because fire and brimstone aren’t going to fall from the sky if I let this one thing wait. The bill will remain the same. Nothing bad “should” happen.

 

Jon and I had what I feel is another falling out. Not like we could fall much further in my opinion. Saying that he thought I was a failure pretty much killed any sort of secure bond we could have had.

 

After he figured out his living situation we got the Uboxes sent to his place to be unloaded. He said he would hold onto the china hutch and hope chest for me, both fairly large pieces of furniture that I couldn’t fit into my tiny Mazda 2 at the time.

 

I got a message from him last week asking when I was going to get my stuff because he wanted to finish setting up his apartment. Right now so I don’t have you holding it over my head, thanks… So I figured that out. He was going to hold onto the china hutch until I moved into my apartment, but that changed when I got to his place. He said if I left it he was going to incorporate the china hutch into his décor. I said that was fine as long as I could have it back when I moved. He said yeah, that’s fine. He was going to get it fixed up while he had it as well. I was ok with that since there are a few spots that need some tender love and care. I said if it was in a shop or something when I moved that I understood I wouldn’t be able to get it right away. That’s when he said he was going to fix it himself…

 

First off, my brother has never done anything with carpentry since making a tool box for the boy scouts. Second, the china hutch and china are the only things I inherited from my mom. I don’t care if he was the best carpenter ever. It’s mine. I have the right to say who and who can’t work on it. It’s not a play thing to learn on. It’s an irreplaceable item that was left specifically for me.

 

So… since I couldn’t leave the china hutch with Jon without him fucking with it, my friend and I packed the china hutch into the Uhaul van. It almost didn’t fit which was a bout of anxiety in addition to everything else. Then there was the risk that it wouldn’t fit on the elevator at the storage place. It did though, and we got it into my unit fine. So all of that is done.

 

Silly me let Jon borrow my car while I’m out of town for the month, so I’m going to have to see him again. I don’t want to. It’s really the only reason I don’t want to go back to Orlando, which is sad. We shouldn’t be like this after mom died. At least I feel like we shouldn’t. We should value each other as really the only family we have left. Instead every time I see him, or think about him I think about his email and how he thinks I’m an awful person. And yet he called and wanted to do dinner the other night… I don’t understand.

 

I understand that it hurts, and that I want to avoid it. So when I get back, somehow I’ll get my car back and then I won’t have a reason to see him for a very long time. Ever really. I don’t want to see him for holidays and if he ends up going to Jason’s and Lio’s I might actually stay away and visit during a time he’s not there. I haven’t figured out what to do for holidays yet. I haven’t gotten that far.

 

Overall I’ve had some really low times recently. It hasn’t been as low the past two weeks, but the weeks before that sucked hardcore. I’m hoping this vacation helps. With what I don’t know. Reminding me that good things still happen. That it’s ok to smile and laugh. I’m hoping it gives me a chance to stop and actually figure out some of the emotions because I really haven’t processed all that much.

 

Sammie, Josh and I tried to do a triad. Not sure if I mentioned that at all. It didn’t work. It left a rift between Sammie and I that I don’t think will ever heal. It’s sort of like Jon. If I see her, when I think of her, I think about her text messages saying to never talk to her again. And that’s a long story that I don’t know if I’ll ever want to write out.

 

It’s funny in a sad way. The people closest to me are usually the ones with the lowest opinion of my character. I don’t understand how it happens. But it sucks, and it makes me not want to let anyone else in.

 

I was able to see the blacksmith before I left. We’ve been able to spend a bit of time together over the months. It’s been nice. Sunday evening there was a lot of emotional talk. It left me feeling stronger.

 

There’s another person that I’ve recently met. He’s an INTJ. I’m cautious about him because I enjoy spending time with him. I’ve actually hung out with him fairly often. He’s shown me jujitsu moves and combat maneuvers since he was a paratrooper. We wrestle. He wins and tickles me. Our sense of humor seems to be the same. We cuddle and I like that most of all. Being silent and being held while he runs his fingers over my hair.

 

I feel like he can tell when the pain wells up in my chest. He hugs me tighter when it does. He makes me feel not alone, and right now I like that. Maybe need that? I don’t know. Neither of us wants to be tied down in a relationship. He knows about the blacksmith. I know about his other partner, who I guess is jealous of me… I seriously don’t understand why, but then I know myself. All I want is for everyone to feel secure and happy and cared for.

 

I don’t know. It just seems like the Universe has been doing an awesome job at having things work out to where I’m ok and taken care of. I needed an iron bond to reality and I found that in my blacksmith. I needed a soft warm blanket to wrap around me and I have that with Big Bad. I needed a stable, secure home and in two months I’ll have that, too. I needed to see friends and family and so I’m taking the time to do it.

 

I still don’t know where I’ll end up, but I’m not as worried about it anymore. I’ll end up where I’m supposed to.