September 4th. Another forth passed. Another month added to the handful I’ve had without mom. Five months so far. Next month will be the six month mark. I don’t know why 1/2 or something is significant. But it is. Each month is still significant for me. Still aches.
I suppose I should start with a mild recap since I haven’t written in I don’t remember when. I got an apartment on my own. With mom’s help really. I wouldn’t have been able to do it alone without the inheritance money. In a way I’m glad that I can look at the situation as her helping me. I move in November 8th, which is still a ways away. I’m very much looking forward to it though.
I finished my final test for the CNA course I was taking. That led to a lot of unsettled emotions since I didn’t have mom to call. I know she would have been proud of me. It still would have been amazing to hear her voice, or to get a hug in person. The following Monday I had to go back to the school to sign up for my board certification. They’re supposed to send me a date for my exam in about a month and a half. And that too hurt. More than I thought it did.
That night, Monday night, I was lost and alone and I didn’t know how to breath through the pain that wouldn’t go away. Warren #1 talked to me. Actually, it was more like he let me talk. He let me say all of the things that I wanted to say even though I knew they wouldn’t fix anything. Saying that I miss her, that I want her to come back, that I’m lost without her… it doesn’t make me miss her less, it doesn’t change the fact that she’ll never walk this earth again, it doesn’t make me any less lost… but it makes the pain ease. The feeling of black claws piercing my chest to crush my heart lessens. The claws retract slowly, and eventually I’m ok enough to hang up and go back inside where I sleep for hours because I’m exhausted.
Since I have so long to wait for the exam I’m on walkabout right now. I flew to Colorado yesterday to spend a week with a friend I haven’t seen in seven years. Chrys. I’ve talked about her here and there. But yeah. Currently sitting on her husband’s laptop typing away while we wait a bit longer before driving out to the mountains. We’re going to spend a few nights in a cabin, do some hiking, do some drinking and reminiscing and catching up on seven years… Should be fun. We also have plans to go to a concert the night before I leave.
Once I’m done kicking it in Colorado I head to Vegas to spend a week with Jason. I didn’t get to see him much when I was out packing up mom’s apartment. I’m hoping to get more family time in, even if it’s just lazing around the house not doing a lot. With all of the BS going on with Jon I really wouldn’t mind having a hug from one of my brothers where I don’t feel like an awful person.
After Vegas it’s off to Texas to spend the last bit of time with a friend from high school, another person I haven’t seen in years. Allison. I’m supposed to be her maid of honor so we have plans to go dress shopping while I’m there, but aside from that it’s really just spending time together.
I’m looking forward to everything, but I’m also looking forward to being back in Orlando.
For the last few weeks I’ve had Scarlet with me at the extended stay. I snuck her in because it sucked so badly being apart from her. I needed cat cuddles in my life and I honestly feel like we were both better off for it. Currently she is camping out with Randy and Emily. I hope she’s doing ok without me. I know the past five months have been just as hard for her as for me.
I’m still on the apartment with Zane, but the apartment in Vegas is completely 100% taken care of. Woohoo for something getting done. There was a guy Zane was trying to get onto the lease, but he was denied. Since he was denied I can’t be removed and Mr. New Guy isn’t allowed to stay. When I was as the office inquiring about the lease I asked if there was a way to make sure Mr. New Guy moved out, since I don’t want to be responsible for an unauthorized occupant. The receptionist sort of danced around it saying if maintenance saw something they would do something about it, but basically the office isn’t going to enforce anything.
I asked since I was a listed occupant if they could check for me. If Mr. New Guy is still there the office will have to issue a notice to cure. If the problem isn’t fixed in a certain amount of time then we all get evicted. I said I was ok with that. That I have given Zane more than enough time to figure this out. I wanted to know if Mr. New Guy was still there and if he was I wanted a notice to cure to be sent out. So we’ll see where that goes.
As far as the phone. I had to pay $400 last month because Zane hadn’t paid the previous month and wasn’t going to pay the current month. He wasn’t going to tell me about it either. I only noticed because I happened to check before going over to sign the roommate release form. Five days into this billing cycle and we’re already at 90% of the data used. In previous months it was my fault we went over the data. Having to use my phone for GPS navigation while out in Vegas or staying in touch with people through Facebook ate through it. I paid the overage charges so the bill remained unaffected.
Zane isn’t going to pay for his overages. Since he won’t take care of the phone I suspended the line. He hasn’t contacted me about it. I haven’t figured out what I want to do about the $400 still owed on his phone for the $600 owed on mine, which was supposed to be a gift. And right now, while I’m in Colorado, or where ever I end up being, and not in Orlando, I’m not going to worry about it. It’s still going to be there in a month. I’ll take care of it later because fire and brimstone aren’t going to fall from the sky if I let this one thing wait. The bill will remain the same. Nothing bad “should” happen.
Jon and I had what I feel is another falling out. Not like we could fall much further in my opinion. Saying that he thought I was a failure pretty much killed any sort of secure bond we could have had.
After he figured out his living situation we got the Uboxes sent to his place to be unloaded. He said he would hold onto the china hutch and hope chest for me, both fairly large pieces of furniture that I couldn’t fit into my tiny Mazda 2 at the time.
I got a message from him last week asking when I was going to get my stuff because he wanted to finish setting up his apartment. Right now so I don’t have you holding it over my head, thanks… So I figured that out. He was going to hold onto the china hutch until I moved into my apartment, but that changed when I got to his place. He said if I left it he was going to incorporate the china hutch into his décor. I said that was fine as long as I could have it back when I moved. He said yeah, that’s fine. He was going to get it fixed up while he had it as well. I was ok with that since there are a few spots that need some tender love and care. I said if it was in a shop or something when I moved that I understood I wouldn’t be able to get it right away. That’s when he said he was going to fix it himself…
First off, my brother has never done anything with carpentry since making a tool box for the boy scouts. Second, the china hutch and china are the only things I inherited from my mom. I don’t care if he was the best carpenter ever. It’s mine. I have the right to say who and who can’t work on it. It’s not a play thing to learn on. It’s an irreplaceable item that was left specifically for me.
So… since I couldn’t leave the china hutch with Jon without him fucking with it, my friend and I packed the china hutch into the Uhaul van. It almost didn’t fit which was a bout of anxiety in addition to everything else. Then there was the risk that it wouldn’t fit on the elevator at the storage place. It did though, and we got it into my unit fine. So all of that is done.
Silly me let Jon borrow my car while I’m out of town for the month, so I’m going to have to see him again. I don’t want to. It’s really the only reason I don’t want to go back to Orlando, which is sad. We shouldn’t be like this after mom died. At least I feel like we shouldn’t. We should value each other as really the only family we have left. Instead every time I see him, or think about him I think about his email and how he thinks I’m an awful person. And yet he called and wanted to do dinner the other night… I don’t understand.
I understand that it hurts, and that I want to avoid it. So when I get back, somehow I’ll get my car back and then I won’t have a reason to see him for a very long time. Ever really. I don’t want to see him for holidays and if he ends up going to Jason’s and Lio’s I might actually stay away and visit during a time he’s not there. I haven’t figured out what to do for holidays yet. I haven’t gotten that far.
Overall I’ve had some really low times recently. It hasn’t been as low the past two weeks, but the weeks before that sucked hardcore. I’m hoping this vacation helps. With what I don’t know. Reminding me that good things still happen. That it’s ok to smile and laugh. I’m hoping it gives me a chance to stop and actually figure out some of the emotions because I really haven’t processed all that much.
Sammie, Josh and I tried to do a triad. Not sure if I mentioned that at all. It didn’t work. It left a rift between Sammie and I that I don’t think will ever heal. It’s sort of like Jon. If I see her, when I think of her, I think about her text messages saying to never talk to her again. And that’s a long story that I don’t know if I’ll ever want to write out.
It’s funny in a sad way. The people closest to me are usually the ones with the lowest opinion of my character. I don’t understand how it happens. But it sucks, and it makes me not want to let anyone else in.
I was able to see the blacksmith before I left. We’ve been able to spend a bit of time together over the months. It’s been nice. Sunday evening there was a lot of emotional talk. It left me feeling stronger.
There’s another person that I’ve recently met. He’s an INTJ. I’m cautious about him because I enjoy spending time with him. I’ve actually hung out with him fairly often. He’s shown me jujitsu moves and combat maneuvers since he was a paratrooper. We wrestle. He wins and tickles me. Our sense of humor seems to be the same. We cuddle and I like that most of all. Being silent and being held while he runs his fingers over my hair.
I feel like he can tell when the pain wells up in my chest. He hugs me tighter when it does. He makes me feel not alone, and right now I like that. Maybe need that? I don’t know. Neither of us wants to be tied down in a relationship. He knows about the blacksmith. I know about his other partner, who I guess is jealous of me… I seriously don’t understand why, but then I know myself. All I want is for everyone to feel secure and happy and cared for.
I don’t know. It just seems like the Universe has been doing an awesome job at having things work out to where I’m ok and taken care of. I needed an iron bond to reality and I found that in my blacksmith. I needed a soft warm blanket to wrap around me and I have that with Big Bad. I needed a stable, secure home and in two months I’ll have that, too. I needed to see friends and family and so I’m taking the time to do it.
I still don’t know where I’ll end up, but I’m not as worried about it anymore. I’ll end up where I’m supposed to.