I’m back in Orlando. I’m back at the extended stay. It’s the same one I stayed at before my trip. I wasn’t able to get the same room, but the one I’m in isn’t bad. I made breakfast this morning. I’ve already been to the storage unit once to get most of the things I want to have with me during this final month before I move into my apartment. I’m thinking I’ll make a second trip today. I think I’m going to get Scarlet today as well. If not today maybe tomorrow. I miss her and need me some cat cuddles.
I’ve seen the Blacksmith and Big Bad already. I realized on the flight home that I think of Orlando as home. Actual home, not just home as in “I’m using the word home because that’s easier than saying this is the place I’m currently staying”. There is a sense of belonging here that I didn’t feel while I was on my walkabout. A feeling of “this is where I want to be”. At least for now. Seeing both of my partners made it feel real. Like I’m really back. I don’t have my own place yet, so the extended stay isn’t really “home”, but seeing them, seeing my brother, having dinner with Nicole, messaging everyone to let them know I’m back… All of those things made it feel nice. It made me realize that as a whole, this is where my heart is. Even though it’s autumn and summer is over, this is where I still feel warm and alive.
I really don’t think I have much to write about since not a lot has happened. I have decided to not pursue work until after the new year. Most likely not until after Allison’s wedding in April, which will be the official one year mark of mom’s death.
If that’s the game plan I stick with then I’m not going to have work to keep me entertained and occupied. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. What should I do with my time then? I’m still in the “zero fucks given” stage and so a lot of things don’t seem appealing or worthwhile. I still want to workout. I still want to focus on improving myself. Boxing, kick boxing, SCA combat practice, aikido, taekwondo… all of that appeals to me still. Biking, yoga, running. I want to get back into a routine of caring for myself since I really haven’t done that these past six months. Not consistently at least.
With that goal in mind I went about editing my Google calendar. When I was working and an employed productive member of society I lived by my calendar. It told me when to be at work, what classes at the gym I wanted to do, what my social obligations for the week were… Google ran my life. Since resigning what… three months ago now…, I’ve been sort of drifting, floundering. Eeking by day by day, somehow getting things done, but not really having structure or any way to recount my days.
Well… I’m going to try to get back to it. I’ve made events for the times I want to be at the gym. I’ve made events for the SCA practices. I even made events for study time since my board is coming up, hopefully soon if they ever send me the test date. Once I pass my board I was thinking for finding something to volunteer with. I haven’t thought very far in that direction, but I think it’s one I’ll seriously look into once I’ve settled from the move.
I might not have a whole lot going on still, but I now have some things to hold me accountable for my time, and that makes me feel less like a slacker.
I went to boxing yesterday, so we’re off on the right foot. I didn’t stay for the whole class. I’m pretty unconditioned what with three weeks of not doing much, but I was content with what I did do. It’s my starting point. Hopefully today I do better, but if I don’t, that’s ok. There’s tomorrow. I’m going to keep at it until I get back to where I was, and I’ll keep at it past that to get even better than before.
I like the way this plan feels in my head. I know it’s a lot of “Screw it. I’m going to do what I want to do,” which is pretty much what the past three weeks were, but it feels like a good plan in my head. I know myself. I know that if I don’t want to do something and I try to force myself to do it that it’s going to end in an amazingly fantastic blazing ball of fire.
I’m not ready yet, and that’s ok. I feel stable today. My friend asked me yesterday how I was feeling on a scale of 1 to 10. Yesterday was a seven. Today I think is an eight. I might feel guilt for that later, but right now I have energy and things to do, so I’m going to go do them while I can.
Yay for finally being able to write a non-emo post. 😀