Daily Post 150: Post-Travel Rage

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So… I feel like this writing is a bit bitchy and that I should put a disclaimer about that. I’m calling it post-travel rage along with generalized introvert burnout. Hopefully, my next writing is less “burn the world down and dance on the ashes” themed. : D

 


 

Writing wasn’t on the to-do list, but you know what… neither was running and I did that, too, so I guess today just isn’t my to-do list’s day.

To-Do List: Look at all the things you can do to be productive.

Me: Fuck that shit. I’m going to go do all of these other productive things instead and totally invalidate all of the time I put into creating you.

Yay right, brained moments I guess?

Anyway, I was sort of worried that I was wasting the day. I mean, I was up for roughly 48 hours. I didn’t sleep well (read “at all”) the night before I left to come home. The plane left at 11:50 pm. There wasn’t a chance in hell of me sleeping during the flight, and then when my brother and I landed I had to drive him back to Daytona so he could get his car from his friend’s house.

Shoot me in the face. x.x

To say the trip sucked is an understatement. At least the plane ride and all of the travel I had to do afterward on so little sleep and caffeine. There were two separate times while I was driving to Daytona where I zoned out / dozed off. Not a cool situation.

I ended up sleeping at my brother’s place for a few hours before heading back home. I NEEDED sleep. The three hours I got was enough for me to get home ok, haul my stuff up to my room, and go back to sleep.

Warren’s schedule changed so he’s working nights, which meant he wasn’t awake when I got home, which is a good thing because I was in uber-bitch mode, and I knew I was.

The apartment smelled like dog, which is gross to me. There were dog fur Godzilla bunnies everywhere. My room smelled like a litter box because it hadn’t been cleaned often enough.

Pardon me while I set everything on fire in my sleep deprived rage of the apartment not being spotless like when I left for my trip.

I’m really just bitching to get it out of my system. I’ve already talked to Warren about it. I’ve already gone through and taken care of the chores that I knew I was going to have to do when I got back.

I’ve paid my bills which is another source of frustration because Warren still isn’t back to square one with his bank account yet. He’s close, but I still had to cover all of the storage payment.

It just sucks. I hate money. And to cover everything and still have to sweep up after a pet that isn’t mine… or buy vacuum bags for a vacuum that isn’t mine that’s only used to vacuum up dog fur… It’s frustrating and makes me feel used.

Honestly, if this is my biggest complaint, dog fur, then I think I’m doing pretty well. I wish I was better at having a roommate. I wish when I said something bothered me and I would like for it to be fixed that it felt like my open and honest communication actually did something to fix the problem.

Anyway… moving on from that since it really is a first world issue and I should just get over it (which I most likely will after more sleep)…

My younger brother met Big Bad. He agreed to pick us up from the airport which was a life saver. I had asked Warren to pick us up but with him working the late schedule now he didn’t think he would be able to stay awake that “late” to get us, and couldn’t guarantee waking up to an alarm.

I really need to find topics that don’t involve him since right now I’m still frustrated and writing about it is just adding fuel to that fire.

Or maybe I really should just write it all out rather than pretending that I feel my conversation did any sort of good because I feel like it didn’t. I did a lot to help him during his breakup with Amber because he’s my friend. I didn’t do it to get help in return. When there are the words of, “If you need anything, or if there’s anything I can do, let me know,” then I don’t feel bad about asking for stuff.

Me: Hey, can you sweep? The dog fur is sort of building up.

Warren: Yeah. Sure

So when it goes undone I’m sort of miffed. And to have that situation play out multiple times… sort of sucks. I’m going to stop asking and just do it myself since asking doesn’t do anything.

Me: Can you pick me up from the airport?

Warren: I don’t think so because I’m not sure I can stay up that late and I can’t wake up to an alarm.

Can you do anything when I ask for help other than telling me you can’t help?

This is why I don’t like asking for help and feel it’s easier to just do things on my own. When you ask for help and the answer is constantly “no” even for valid reasons, it instills a feeling that asking for help is bad. Or pointless.

Positive notes: There weren’t dirty dishes in the sink when I got home. Scarlet wasn’t dead from starvation. My car was still in the parking lot. Drugs weren’t strewn across the floor with random body parts from a party gone bad. In fact, there was no sign of other people being at the apartment at all. My room was untouched. The mail had been checked.

There. Good things happened while I was away. I may be slightly justified in feeling frustrated, but the uber bitch fit I can feel myself leaning towards is unwarranted and I know it is. I really do think it’s more from being overtaxed from the trip back, so I’m glad I’ve kept it in check as well as I have.

Back to the subject I really wanted to write about…

Big Bad met my brother. Not for very long, and none of us were very talkative, but for me, that’s a pretty big step. Like… huge… equivalent to meeting mom, which no one can do anymore. So the next step is meeting my brothers.

Jon said he seemed nice and that as long as he makes me happy that he’s happy for me.

Big Bad and I have been trying to see each other the past two days, but things aren’t working in our favor. He was busy the night I came back, and to be honest I was more interested in passing back out and sleeping for the next forever that I wasn’t too heartbroken about plans not working. I had gotten to see him for a little bit that day. We held hands the whole drive to my apartment. And, yes. I realize how mushy and girly that sounds.

We said we would try to see each other today, but today he’s been sick and I slept most of the day myself. Maybe we’ll have better luck tomorrow. It’s his mother’s birthday, so he’ll be busy for part of the evening, but maybe we’ll still be able to have a little bit of time together if he’s feeling better and my post-trip rage has subsided.

I’m not even on my cycle. I mean, seriously. What chemical imbalance is there to have me wanting to set fire to everything? I would totally be ok with it chilling out.

The bills got paid today. That was mildly frustrating since the internet account, which I fixed last month, is acting up again and won’t let me log in. I don’t even feel like typing all of that BS out. Luckily nothing is due, so I’m going to conveniently leave fixing the account until next month when I do have to pay something so I get frustrated all over again because fuck you, Future Self.

In all actuality, I’m most likely going to call in tomorrow to see why it’s messing up again since I was able to get my account number from the representative I spoke with. It’s just annoying that something that should have been quick and painless is now a giant hassle of multiple phone calls and missing information and corporate red tape.

I’ve figured out my workout schedule, which makes me realize how messed up it is for the next month. Right before my race, too. Such poor planning on my part.

My brother and I are visiting my dad in Ohio from the 11th to the 15th. Allison wants to spend a week at Disney for her bachelorette party. That’s going to be, tentatively, the first week in February. The week after that is my race. Then, at the end of March is Allion’s wedding which I’ll have to travel to South Carolina for.

I really just want to be able to stay here. In Orlando. Where it’s warm. And doesn’t snow. I want to go to the dojo. I want to go to my dance classes. I want people to get out of my time account as well as my bank account.

Maybe I need some hermit time. I’ve made it through a really hard time frame. Even though the holiday season wasn’t the soul crushing trial I thought it would be it still had its painful moments. Maybe this is what it looks and feels like to not get the recovery time I need.

I’m resentful of obligations that take me even the slightest bit away from something I want to do or inches me in the direction of something I don’t want to do. Especially social obligations.

I need to find a balance right now.

Running tonight helped. It was dark outside, which I didn’t really enjoy, and it was on the cold side. But I did better than I did on my last run. Shaved two minutes off my time. I want to try to start adding distance. Big Bad can do a 5k easy. I’ve never run a solid mile in my life… I’m worried he’s not going to enjoy the race because I’ll be holding him back.

I really feel that’s something I should bring up. I want him to know he can run ahead without me. I want him to have fun. If having fun is pushing himself, then hanging back with me is going to detract from his experience. The thought of having a running buddy is nice, but the thought of running the course on my own doesn’t bother me. We could meet up afterward for food and our free beer.

Blarg… Another thing to the to-do list.

After my run, I went to the grocery store. I had literally no food in the apartment. I buy things weekly and since I was going to be gone for so long I made sure all of the fresh stuff was used or thrown out.

That’s great and all until you’re hungry and you have legitimately nothing to eat.

So I stopped and got the ingredients for salads. That’s going to be my lunches for the week. Still not sure about what to do for dinner. I’m thinking chili again.

I need to message Tre to let him know that I’m seriously reconsidering the job offer. I’m still working towards completing the project, but I’ve done some deep thinking on the topic. We’ll see what happens in February. I can always say no if I get the offer.

I’m sure there’s other stuff I could write about, but I think that’s most of it. Angst. Lots of post-travel angst.

Hopefully, tomorrow is less… whatever today was. I have the day slightly mapped out for things I would like to get done. Going for another run is on there since the dojo is closed until the third. I need to run more anyway.

So much lame.

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Letters to Mom 010: Our First Christmas

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Hey mom,

I’m eeking out time to write to you again. I’m glad I’m doing it. I’m glad that I feel this writing is going to be positive and that I have so much I want to say.

Christmas wasn’t awful.

Christmas was actually really good, and even as I type that I’m fighting back tears, but they’re good tears because I know it would make you happy to hear me say that if you were here. I’m relieved and grateful that I’m able to tell you that I enjoyed yesterday.

We exchanged gifts, and that was hard. Lio made a beautiful frame for the picture of you and me that I use all the time. She wrote a touching, heartfelt message on the back of it. It was one of the most beautiful, loving gifts I’ve received since you died. It’s like the handkerchief Mama Spike gave me. It’s something I’m always going to cherish and remember.

Jon got me a book for advanced maille weaves. It’s called scale maille were basically you incorporate small metal scales into different designs. He got me a pack of purple scales to go with it and said the stipulation was I had to make him a bracelet.

I messaged tons of people in my life wishing them a Merry Christmas. Lio put the turkey in the oven. I figured that would be most of the day. That everything, for the most part, was over and the rest of the day would be surviving.

Lio and I spent some time outside talking where I got to thank her personally, privately, for her gift. We talked about you. She told me that every time she looks in the rearview mirror she thinks of you because when you taught her to drive you told her that if you can see the wheels of the car behind you then they’re back far enough for you to switch lanes.

It’s those types of stories that I love hearing from other people. How you helped them. How you touched them. How they remember you in the simplest most mundane things that most people wouldn’t think about, but it’s special to them because you were, are, special.

When Lio went back inside I stayed out, sitting in the chair. I whispered a Merry Christmas to you with tears and said that I love you. I missed you. I was sad. And I sighed deeply, resigning myself to the thought that the rest of the day would be survival mode.

Instead, it ended up being an amazingly fun day full of nerf gun wars in the kitchen and games of Taboo and Scattagories and Buzz Word.

I laughed so much yesterday, mom. I smiled and I took pictures and we made new traditions while keeping some of the old ones. Jason still got Clemson swag. We won’t let that die just because you’re not here to give him those gifts. We’ll do it for you, mom. We’ll take care of each other like that because that’s what you would want us to do.

We had turkey with green bean casserole which was fantastic. We picked on Jon during the games. We made sarcastic comments to each other and had silly team names like “Team Win”.

We joked about how Buzz Word was always your favorite game and how no matter what, whoever had you on their team would win. Always. We joked about how we used to say it was because you were old wise and knew everything because you had been around for a while. And right now even though it was a joke and I laughed at the time it still hurts because 60 wasn’t, isn’t, old. You weren’t old, mom, and I wish you were still here.

But you aren’t, not physically, and we did the best we could yesterday and it actually turned out so much better than I could have ever thought it would. I never in any of my imagines thought that I would have enjoyed yesterday, but I did. I survived. I even lived and made fantastic memories. Memories that I’ll always remember and cherish and look back on and smile.

My first Christmas without you was different, mom. It had hard moments, but it had really, really good moments too, and I think that would make you happy.

The nerf war was such a hit that today we went out to Walmart and bought more weapons and ammunition so we could have round two. It’s a new tradition for us. Nerf Wars. And it has been so insanely fun.

I love you, mom. I miss you. And I wanted you to know that we’re doing ok. We’re doing really ok. Thank you for raising me to get through this. Thank you for being amazing and for still being here and helping me, guiding me. Thank you for making us a family and for making sure that we would stick together. I don’t know what I would have done if I had stayed in Orlando alone instead of being here with everyone.

I know that being here is the main reason I am doing as well as I am.

I’ve rested a lot while I’ve been here. I’ve thought through a lot of things that have been weighing on me. I survived what I thought would be the hardest days since your death. There’s a solidity that comes from surviving these days that I’ve feared for so long. A strength. A confidence. Another layer in the foundation that I’m building for myself.

Hard days can still be really good days. We can miss you and still smile and laugh. We can remember good times while still making new memories.

I watched the video Jason posted. I got to see you up and walking. I hadn’t realized how my image of you had changed to the you in the hospital bed. Tired. Sick. The you with tubes everywhere and the hospital gown. The thin you that had lost so much weight. That had become “you” in my head. But that wasn’t, isn’t, who you are.

I got to see the you who took me to marching band practice. The you who proofread every essay I ever wrote. The you who would call me after a week because a week was “eternity” for us to go without talking to each other.

In my head, I got to see the real you. It was good to see you smiling. Laughing. Hugging everyone. It was good to remember there was a time before the hospital.

Thank you for that time. Thank you for the 27 years of your life that you invested in me. That you supported me. That you loved me unconditionally even though you often times said you understood why some animals eat their young.

Thank you for everything, mom. Thank you for being there yesterday and for looking out for all of us and for raising us to stick together. We are, and we’re doing ok because of it. You raised us to be ok, and we are. We’re getting there and yesterday is proof of that.

Our first Christmas without you wasn’t a disaster. It wasn’t the horrible black crushing wave of depression I feared and had anxiety over. It was a really good day, mom. And I wanted you to know that.

I love you.

 

Letters to Mom 009: Christmas Eve 2016

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Hey mom,

It’s Christmas Eve. I’m in Vegas with Jason, Lio, Jon, and Jace. I’ve been here for a while now. Since the 18th.

It was the first flight where I had company. Jon and I flew out from Orlando together. At three in the morning… I know you’re jealous. : p

I still cried but it was easier having someone there to hold my hand through take off. It was comforting to know that someone understood why take offs suck for me. Why they’re hard. Why they hurt.

I miss you, mom. I wish you were here. Physically.

I’m alone right now. Everyone else is at a Christmas party. I opted to not go so I could have a chance to write to you. There’s not a lot of time for quiet or solitude with a three-year-old running around. There’s not really a place to set up and work or write or process.

I’ve been sleeping a lot since I’ve been here. Jon made a comment about it. How I sleep a lot. I don’t feel bad for it. All of my bruises from jujitsu are gone. My shoulder isn’t bothering me anymore. I guess physically and emotionally I needed the rest and I let myself have it without regrets.

My birthday wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. I wasn’t forced to have a party or anything. I wasn’t forced to fake happiness. I was allowed for it to be just another day and I think that helped. It wasn’t a big deal. We went out for dinner and then got ice cream from Dairy Queen afterward, but aside from that, it was just another day. No gifts. No song singing.

I don’t really know what I want to say. There aren’t really words. I want to give you a hug. I’m reminded of all the times I drove home and spend the holidays with you. How we would sit on the couch and talk about everything and nothing. How we would go out and get Moe’s and eat nachos while Law and Order reruns played in the background. I’m reminded of all the times we were together and how that made me feel at “home” no matter where we were.

I think I’ve finally found that “home” feeling again. The dojo makes me feel that way. Seeing Jim and Paul and Carolina. I look forward to going there. I smile when I see them or think about them. Training makes me feel good.

I don’t think I’m ready to give that up yet.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the job offer. I’ve been thinking about how I have to cram to get everything done. How I should be working 12 hours a day while I’m on vacation for the merest hope of getting the files done in time to send to animators to maybe possibly get something back that’s good enough to go on my reel for February. I keep thinking about how I promised myself a year, and how that year didn’t really even get a chance to start until October when I finally got the apartment. I keep thinking about how I haven’t finished painting and how I’m trying to focus on myself because I always put myself second when it comes to my life.

I keep thinking about my Warrior Dash and Allison’s bachelorette party that I’ve finally started organizing, and then her wedding at the end of March.

I keep thinking about all of these things that I don’t want to give up or compromise on. But if I make the job a priority then I have to do that. I have to compromise. I have to sacrifice myself and the things that I want. I have to sacrifice my happiness for a paycheck essentially.

I don’t want to do that, mom. I’ve figured that out while I’ve been here. I figured it out while I tried to remote desktop into my computer at home to work, only for it to not work even though I had checked to make sure it would before leaving. So instead I installed Maya directly on my Surface and worked for 8 hours instead of cross stitching or spending time with the family I’m supposed to be visiting.

8 hours of working with shitty resolution and mis-clicking things and fixing broken systems that shouldn’t have been broken because they worked on the computer at home.

I still have the trip to Dad’s on the 9th, too. That’s another week where I would have to give up time I’m supposed to be using to bond and rebuild that tattered, beaten, bloodied relationship.

I want to, for once, be able to pick me and not have to defend my choice against an attack.

Why aren’t you working towards this job? Why aren’t you taking this amazing opportunity seriously? What are you doing with your time? Are you scared? Are you in a rut since you’ve been unemployed for so long?

No. Thanks. I’m none of those things.

Opening my scripts for the first time was hard. Emotionally. Like, “had me in tears” hard. Starting work on the first file was even harder. But you know what, I worked through those emotions. I’ve cleared out most of the cobwebs that formed in my brain from disuse. I can feel a difference in myself, in my mentality. I’m finding the love for my craft that I had lost while I was teaching.

I’m making progress.

That doesn’t mean I’m ready to go back.

I’m not ready.

Or rather, I’m not ready to give up my happiness for it. I don’t think that’s wrong of me.

If the contract started in April or even May, then I would be so much more ok with it. But even when Tre first mentioned the time frame my knee jerk reaction was I would have only lived in my apartment for three months. Three months of tentative stability before upending everything all over again.

I’m still going to work on my projects. I’m still going to try, and if it works out, great. But I’ve come to the decision that I’m not going to kill myself to do it. I’m not going to give up the time I’ve already set aside for things I feel are important and worthy ventures. I’m not going to give up my time at the dojo, or the dance classes. I’m not going to give up family. I’m not going to give up sleep, unless I already can’t sleep and then I might as well work because that still happens sometimes. I’m not going to give up myself, burning myself out, stretching myself thin, to try to get this to work.

I think you would understand.

I remember your letter where you said the only thing you wanted for me was to be happy.

I’m finally getting there, mom. I wasn’t crazy depressed on my birthday, and tomorrow doesn’t seem like the black abyss that I thought it would be. I actually think tomorrow will be a pretty decent day. A sad day. I solemn day. But I know I’ll make it through it. I made it through Thanksgiving. I made it through my birthday. I’ll make it through tomorrow and new years. I’ll make it through April 4th, 2017. I’ll make it through every April 4th after that.

I don’t want to give up the things that are helping me survive and I don’t think that’s being selfish or irresponsible. I don’t think that’s being scared or shrinking away from responsibilities. If I’m still able to support myself and not be a burden to others then I don’t think it’s an issue and anyone who does have a problem with it can go make their own decisions in their own life.

I don’t think that’s unfair of me.

I wish I had your perspective. I wish I were home with you, sitting on the couch with nachos talking about all the pros and cons and what ifs that keep popping into my head. I wish I could hear your voice. I wish I could feel your arms around me.

You were the best mentor, the best friend. You were the best mom anyone could ever have, and I’m grateful that I was lucky enough for you to be mine. For 27 years you were the best influence I’ve ever had in my life.

I’m 28 now, mom. For the first time, I felt different on my birthday.

I still don’t know where I’m going with this writing. The tears come and go. The emotions feel like waves inside me. They make me tired, but they aren’t the crushing tidal waves I was terrified of for so long.

There’s a video Jason posted on Dropbox. It’s of the first Christmas Lio’s parents came over from Belguim. Jason says you’re in it. That you smile and laugh a lot. I have another two hours of alone time. I don’t know what to do with it other than curl up in bed and listen to silence, but right now that sounds amazing. But maybe I’ll watch the video first. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh.

I miss you.

I love you, mom. Merry Christmas. I’ll try to make it a good one for you. I promise.

Daily Post 149: A Rainy, Lost Tuesday

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I’ve wanted it to rain for days now. Maybe even weeks. I’ve wanted it to be dark and cloudy outside while water pelts against my window, cooling the earth outside and letting a hush fall over the small space that is my world.

Today it finally happened. The morning started out overcast and gray. The blue sky fought every so often to be seen through the clouds, but the fight was eventually lost.

I woke up sore and tired and in need of a recovery day. Those three hours at the dojo which Google reminded me about later in the evening weren’t going to happen. I thought about feeling guilty about my choice to not go. I thought about how maybe this was just me making excuses. Then I thought about how intense my session had been the afternoon before, and how even after that I went to dance class, and this was while I was still covered in bruises from wrestling Saturday, which Big Bad had admitted to being sore, which, don’t mind me but I’m totally going to take another moment to bask in the feeling of badassery for making an ex-military guy sore.

I’ve been going at it pretty hard lately. It was finally my cold, rainy day. So, no. Not today. I’m not going to feel guilty for staying home and enjoying my lazy day.

Of course, lazy quickly turned into busy since I decided to clean the apartment. It helped that Big Bad asked if he could come over. I’ve never had an issue with the idea of him spending time here. The only reason I had never offered in the past was because I knew he was allergic to cats and I didn’t want Scarlet to aggravate his allergies.

I said as long as he was ok with Scarlet that he was more than welcome to come over. He was fine with it, so that meant I really did have to be a diligent adult and actually put my clothes away… lame. : /

It was good, though. Got a lot done that needed to get done and there was a reward at the end of it other than my own peace of mind.

I messaged my blacksmith about the potential job today. That was harder than I thought it would be.

I finally got all of the files for my new reel in order. I got my scripts set up for my workflow, and that, too, was harder than I thought it would be. I actually cried a little when I ran the code to open one of my custom tools. I don’t know why I did. There was this overwhelming feeling. This is the first rig I’ve worked on since mom died. This is me trying to actually move forward career-wise.

Opening the script was significant for me. It was heavy. It hurt. Opening the second one was easier. All of it will keep getting easier.

Before I could even open one of the character files I messaged my blacksmith. I had to tell him about the job before I started working towards it. It felt wrong to not tell him. There’s still a lot of  emotions surrounding it. I’m worried about  losing him  through all of this even though he’s most likely the one person I don’t have to worry about at all. If two people want the same goal and actively work  towards in, then  it should work, right?

I feel like most of these emotions I feel are residual hurts from past relationships. I feel like they’re insecurites. Feeling like they’re insecurities doesn’t make them go away. It doesn’t make them feel any less icky or in some cases painful. It just means I understand the  need to breathe through them and to not let them fester in my mind.

I told my blacksmith how I felt. How  I wanted to pursue the job but I was worried about it hurting him or harming us. There’s a lot of mixed emotions still, but I feel better from having broached the subject finally. From our conversation, I feel like we’ll be ok. We’re going to talk more about it in person on Sunday. I’m looking forward to seeing him. I could really use a hug from him right now.

I got to talk to Tre a bit today, too. We talked more about the job. I said since the contract was opening February, at the earliest, that with the interview process and art test I most likely wouldn’t be out there until March.

Well.. apparently I won’t have to take an art test. They use more of a behavioral interview process. Nifty. Not complaining about skipping the art test. It will mostly be a phone interview where they ask me technical stuff about my reel and such. If that goes well then I fly out for a 4 to 6 hour interview.

I asked if they were going to feed me or if this was a test to see how much I was willing to suffer for the job.

Tre laughed and said they were very generous with bathroom breaks and food would be provided. Good to know.

There’s the potential of being Tre’s roommate as well. That’s tentative since he needs to see when his lease ends, but if it comes due around the time that I get out there, then he and his roommate are willing to look at getting a bigger place where I could stay with them. So there’s that. Not really much else to say in that regard. Until there’s more information I’m not going to sweat it.

I had to update my graphics card drivers because I was having display issues in Maya. It took me a few hours to narrow it down to “potentially” being a graphics issue. If updating my drivers hadn’t worked I was totally at a loss for what could have been causing the program to freak out the way it was. Totally annoying. I wish I could get those hours of my life back. Screw you too, computer.

I had to download PyCharm as well to work with my scripts on a code level. I was trying to get Sublime Text 3 but the site was having issues and I didn’t want to wait to figure out what was going on. PyCharm isn’t bad and I’ve used it before, just not my number one choice. Maybe that’s just because I was more comfortable with Sublime. Maybe I’ll convert to PyCharm now that it’s the main program I have for scripting.

Anyway, I got all of the files set up, which was a pretty big step for me. Starting projects is always the hardest part. Once I get it going I get caught up in it. I’ll forget to eat because I’m so lost in my work.

That’s sort of how it ended up being. I was rusty at first. Slow. I found out part of the functionality of one of my scripts is busted so I need to go back at some point and work on that. It didn’t help that I’m on a Windows machine rather than my normal Mac. Stupid hotkeys… I love the dual screens, though. I’ve always loved rigging on my beast of a computer.

I ended up losing track of time as I worked on my project and before I knew it Big Bad was texting me saying he was almost to my place. Glad I got all the cleaning done beforehand otherwise I would have been so screwed.

He met Warren which is nice. We have plans to see each other again Thursday evening. Tomorrow is jujitsu and dancing again. More rigging will happen in between those events. I need to do a bit of cooking as well.

I feel like there’s still a lot of emotions that I’m avoiding with the whole job / projects thing. I’m worried my work won’t be good enough, or that I’ve waited too long to start and I won’t be able to finish. That I’ve messed up this chance.

Trying means there’s the risk of not succeeding.

I want to try, though. I want to prove to myself that I can do this. That I can STILL do this. That I’m not broken. I want to prove my younger brother wrong. I want to make my older brother proud and have him not worry about me being financially secure.

I want to do this because I want the chance to ask for the price I want because I’m worth that number.

I wish mom were here. It’s been a pretty good day. I feel like I keep making progress, and yet I still cry and so even though I’m moving forward I feel like I’m still here, where ever here is. I still feel hurt. I still feel like everything I do is just an attempt to not mess things up. But that’s exactly what I might be doing. I might be messing up the frail foundation I’ve been building these past few months, and even knowing that I still want to try. Everything that is worth having is outside of our comfort zone.

I don’t want to lose the people I care about in the process of trying to do I don’t know what. A paycheck isn’t worth it, but it’s more than a paycheck. At least I think it is. It’s more than vindictive bitchiness. It’s more than the shallow feeling of pride. I know it is but I don’t know what that “more” is and that’s frustrating because I don’t know how to explain it if someone were to ask me. If I can’t explain it to myself how I can explain it to others?

It’s frustrating and confusing and I don’t know what else to say.

I love you, mom. I miss you. I wish you were here because you always would listen to me and help me understand my own thoughts or give me another perspective to ponder over.

Right now I’m stuck in the loop of, “I don’t want to fuck up.” But that’s not what it’s about. It’s not about being successful or failing. It’s about trying to live life the way I want, and I want to try to do this.

If I know what I want to do then why do I still feel lost, mom? Why does it still feel halfway pointless and like I’m lying to myself? I know it’s not fair of me, but why can’t you be here, mom? Why can’t I hear your voice anymore? Why do I have to keep feeling all of these emotions over doing simple, silly things like running a script in a computer program?

I love you, mom. Please help me stop hurting.

Daily Post 148: Fresh Start Monday

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Today has gone well. It’s a fresh start to a fresh week.

I woke up with my alarm which is something I’ve been doing more and more lately. 7am. Bright and early. It lets me have my morning routine before having to go to the dojo.

I have my coffee. I put the dry dishes away. I make my breakfast. I plan out my day. The past few mornings I’ve cross-stitched. Not much. Just a single thread. But I let myself have that single thread rather than doing nothing at all. I let myself enjoy the quiet morning, the length of the thread, and for those handful of minutes, I let myself zen out and not worry about how the rest of the day is going to go.

I had three eggs scrambled today instead of doing the half sandwich I normally do. No real reason for the change, just what I was in the mood for I guess.

I wrote about the past week. A lot happened. I kept thinking I should write but I either wasn’t home to do it, or was tired by the end of the day and didn’t feel like staying up long enough to figure out my thoughts, much less make them sound coherent.

It was good to think back onto all of the positive developments in my life. The phone situation was great. I couldn’t have asked for it to work out any better.

I know I mentioned a lot about Big Bad. I’ve also been talking with my blacksmith. I feel I should toss that in there so it doesn’t seem like he’s fallen off the face of the planet. He hasn’t. We have plans to see each other on the 11th. It’s his birthday that day.

Jujitsu was awesome today. I actually got to tap two people out. It was also really rough emotionally. I sat out for the final round because I needed to collect myself. It was good, and I’m glad I worked through the emotions. I’m glad I’ve found this dojo.

I came home and rested afterward. I needed it.

My brother called me about thirty minutes later. He wanted to tell me about the presentation he gave for his class. It went extremely well and he wanted to say thank you to me since I helped him with the slide portion of the presentation. Nothing really overly involved… I just critiqued his layout and gave him tips from a design aspect, but I guess it really helped him out, so that was cool.

I did a bunch of errands once I was off the phone. The post office was a nightmare, but I needed to send out my old phone so I can get the credit applied to my account. I also had mail for the previous tenants that I needed to give to someone who knew what to do with it. So it was worth it, but waiting in line for 20 minutes sort of sucked.

I went to Micheal’s for a smaller cross stitch frame. That was nifty because everything was 50% off, so I got it for five bucks. Hooray. 😀

From there I went to Dick’s Sporting Goods where I found a pair of shin guards I like. I need them for the Muay Thai class. I also got a mouth guard and a new pair of sandals. I know I got a pair while I was in Vegas roughly three months ago, but the longer I have them the more I don’t like them. I hadn’t been able to find a pair in the style I used to have, so I tried this new style.

Well… I gave it a shot and it’s a no go. So I’ll be donating my old pair in the next few days. I can already tell I’ll really like the new ones. Good investment. It would be really cool if they last three years like my previous pair.

I stopped at Publix to grocery shop. That wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but I was ready to be home by the time I loaded everything into my car.

Got home. Put groceries away. Chilled for a little bit before heading out to dance class. It was great to see the instructor again. There were only two other people tonight. I guess that’s odd for a normal class. Maybe it’s because it’s getting into the holiday season…

I’m getting more comfortable with the movements. It’s a better workout now that I can put more effort into it rather than being confused and having to take things slow so I can understand how I’m supposed to be moving.

Nicole wanted to hang out for a bit after the class so I met up with her at the pool hall. It was relaxing, but now I’m home and tired and instead of working on my project file like I had told myself I would, I’m writing my blog and then going to go to sleep.

I’m happy with how today worked out. I’m happy with all of the unlisted things that I got done, along with everything I wrote about. The shopping was something I had been wanting to do for a while so having it off the list leaves tomorrow completely open until the evening, which is when I’ll be doing my three hours at the dojo.

Something I realized while talking with Nicole tonight… Yesterday was the fourth. Month nine without mom. It was the first fourth that  I didn’t consciously count. I didn’t wake up thinking it was the fourth. I didn’t  go to sleep Saturday thinking I would wake up and it would be nine months.

I don’t feel guilty for that. I feel like that’s progress. That I’m healing. I  need to meditate on it more, but I think mom would have been happy that for the first time in nine months, the fourth was just a normal day for me.

And with that, off to sleep I go.

Daily Post 147: One Week Later

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Last Monday was a rough day. I didn’t want to go out, but I did. I don’t remember a whole lot from it since it’s so far in the past now. I made myself get up and go to the dojo. It was a rough workout where I still had tears from taking off mom’s necklace. I cried in my car afterwards because a lot of the emotions were close to the surface.

 

I had my list of things I wanted to do but when I got home I opted for resting instead. I was tired from jujitsu and pretty low energy from surviving Thanksgiving, plus I had a dinner date with Nicole, Desiree, and Mark that I needed to be able to live through. I wasn’t all that worried about actually doing “things”. The longer I stayed in bed though the more I thought about how I would really rather at least try to do something.

So I tired. I got up and went back out. Go me. I went to the post office, checked my mail, and closed out my PO box since everything seems to have switched over to my new address.

I took an assessment of my energy levels and decided I was still ok to go to Publix for a few things. I was really close to being tapped out afterward. I thought about just going home and resting until dinner. I had given myself the task of going to Verizon and looking into the phone bill, though. That needed to happen sooner rather than later, so I resolved myself to actually going with the promise that if I wasn’t up for dinner after taking  care of that task I wouldn’t make myself go. I would rain check it. I needed to be a responsible adult, though, and this was  one of the things I had been avoiding for way too long. I was already out, might as well go do it rather than saving the suffering for later.

Well… the phone adventure was amazing. I got one of the nicest receptionists I’ve ever met. Through our interaction, I told her the whole story about Zane and why I wanted him off the plan.

At the moment we’re waiting for him to accept liability of the phone. If he chooses not to do that then we’re going to escalate my case up the chain to see about  having him forcefully removed. But… basically, Zane is being removed from my plan so I no longer have to worry about him or his phone. In the process of doing all of this, I happened to go in on Cyber Monday, which meant super awesome deals that I didn’t really know or care about because I wasn’t interested in a new phone.

Well… they had a promotion where if you turned in certain phones you got full retail value for the turn in. My old phone was on the list, so instead of having to stay with the iPhone 6s Zane “bought” for me and having to keep paying it off. I could pay off $300 of the phone, which still had $600 left to be paid, turn in it for $650 credit to my account, and get an iPhone 7 instead, a phone which I would only have to pay .50 cents for per month for since the turn in credit was so high.

All of that while still lowering my bill from $200 a month to $70

Um… yes.

That.

All of that.

Please.

So I am now the new owner of an iPhone 7. I super love it. Like, legit, this is one of the best phones I’ve ever had. Super, uber happy with how the situation worked out.

Thank you, Universe. I love you, too.

The phone ended up taking longer than I thought it would, but I felt fantastic for having taken care of it, and for the situation turning out in such a positive way. I went to dinner afterward, which I wasn’t too late for. We met at a sushi bar then went to a pool hall where we played a few games of darts and had some drinks since we were celebrating Nicole’s birthday.

I won one match. Mark won the other. Nicole and I stuck around for a little while after Mark and Desiree left. I came home and went to sleep almost instantly because I was tired. The day turned out so much better than I had thought it would. I’m glad for it.

 
I don’t remember much about Tuesday and Wednesday… I know I went to the dojo those days, but I can’t remember much else. I want to say something important happened Tuesday, but since I can’t remember it, it must not have been all that important after all.

If I do remember later I might make a separate post but for now there are four other days I do remember that need to be processed through.

Thursday I didn’t go to the dojo. I didn’t wake up early enough for the 6am class, and I had plans to see Big Bad in the evening, so I pretty much had to resign myself to not getting that in for the day. Sad face.

I had therapy at 4pm which was the first time I had seen Andra in about a month. It was good to talk to her again. I told her about doing the writing homework and how I had asked mom for advice. I talked about unpacking her china. I talked  about losing the 20 pounds and doing jujitsu. It was a good session and I’m glad I went. I told her I was scared of my birthday. Those feelings aren’t resolved yet.

I have another session scheduled for before I leave to go to Vegas. Which that’s surprisingly soon. It’s already the 5th. 15 days until my birthday.

After therapy, I went to David’s Bridal so I could finally look into figuring out my bride’s maid dress. They had the size I wanted to try on, which is what the whole issue had been when I was in Texas. They had something too big, and too small, and I wasn’t about to drop $200 on a dress that I hadn’t tried on.

So they had the size I wanted to try. Cool. Tried it on… It’s too big now since I’ve lost 20 pounds… I mean. That’s super cool, and super annoying at the same time.

I tried the size that had originally been too small and it fit. Sort of loosely actually, so I asked what would happen if I kept losing weight and the dress didn’t fit when it came in. They said they could alter the size up to three sizes, so at least there’s that.

I got to gush about my dojo with the woman who was assisting me. She wrote down the website for the dojo and everything while we were talking and said she was super excited about checking it out. I’m hoping I see her there tonight since I said Monday would be the best time for her to come.

So, yeah… that was a huge thing off my to-do list. Got the dress ordered and everything, so now I’m just waiting for it to come in. I even sent Allison a picture of me outside the store so she knew I had actually, legit, gone and taken care of it.

I had just enough time to run home, eat, shower, change, and dash back out to Big Bad’s place.

My night with  him was… different. Nice. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain because it’s about soft, squishy, emotional stuff.

I was running late. We  have a running joke we’re he talks about “punishing” me.  I egg it on because it’s cute. So he made a joke about how I was going to get  spanked because I was running late. This was after all of the  emotional stress from Thanksgiving, my therapy session, the dress adventure and rush hour traffic home… I really just wanted a hug and five minutes of hiding, maybe some overwhelmed tears while I let go of all of the stress that is really self-inflicted.

I replied back to his message  asking if we could  cuddle for a few minutes when I got to him since I hadn’t had a chance to really regroup yet.

He said yes. So when I got there we went back to his room and cuddled. We were quiet for a while. I like that about us. How we can just be together and that’s enough. There doesn’t  have to be words all the time.

Eventually, we did start talking. I don’t remember how, or about what, but we ended up on topics like Jon’s email to  me where he said  he thought I was a failure. I talked about how there’s been a lot more than just mom’s death for me to work through the past eight months. I even talk about  Zane a little.

It was the first  time I’ve really opened up.  I always worry about bringing other people down or talking about things they don’t want to hear about. I don’t want people to feel bad just because a lot of my recent stories are sort of shitty or sad stories. It felt… right… to talk.  My head was on his chest, his arm was wrapped around me. It felt safe.

I feel like we’re  closer for it. We both agreed we wanted to see each other over the weekend and made tentative plans to do so.

 

Friday was a low energy day. Mostly from lack of sleep. I didn’t do a lot Friday and I’m ok with that.

 
Saturday I went for a run at a new YMCA. The one I normally go to is going to be closed for a year so they can remodel / rebuild it. That’s cool and all, but it seriously throws off what I want to do.

Well… there’s another YMCA about six miles from me. I can take the bike trail to get to it. With all of the stuff I’m doing at the dojo the only thing I really want to use the Y for are the treadmills so I can pace myself when I run.

So queue up Saturday where I go to this new YMCA and find out my membership has been canceled…

Excuse me…? What?…

Yeah… so we’re getting that figured out. I was supposed to go back Sunday but was too sore to do it. I’ll get to that in a second. The receptionist still let me work out, and it was a pretty decent run. I was happy with how it felt like a warm up rather than, “oh god I’m dying.”

My plan is to keep doing my intense workouts during the week and use Friday, Saturday, and Sunday to recover by doing light running and such.

I finished putting my blog printouts into page protectors. So far I have everything up until August. Not sure if I mentioned that… maybe that’s what the important Tuesday event was that I forgot about. I printed out my “Book of Survival.” Every post I’ve made since March 23rd has been printed out and put into page protectors which are now in binders. It’s my year of survival. I’ve wanted to do this since I got back from my walkabout. I’m glad I finally did it.

It took a few days to get all of the papers into the protectors. I wrote way more than I thought I did. Some of my posts were 13 pages long, too…

Big Bad and I had talked earlier in the morning and agreed to meet up before I  went to a social function in the evening, so after the gym I went home, showered, the headed back to his place for a few hours. That was a lot of fun with more talking in the beginning. We played some Soul Caliber matches and I actually ended up winning most of the games. Muahahahaha!

We ended up making plans for me to come back over once my social event was done. I hadn’t expected him to want to spend more time with me, so the fluttery, girly feeling of being asked to come back was pleasant.

I went to  my monthly  cards night with Frank and his group. It was super fun. We ordered pizza. Frank had just built a fire pit in his backyard, so we had a fire and s’mores after eating. I guess there was a new expansion for Cards Against Humanity, so all of our stuff was new.

It was a good time and I’m so incredibly glad I went.

When I was done I went back to Big Bad’s and stayed the night. We wrestled a lot so I’m covered in bruises. I got to finally show him the things I’ve learned in jujitsu so far. It didn’t help me much… he still won. It started to get frustrating because he kept choking me out with my own arm…

I mean, seriously? How do you even do that?

He showed me a few photo albums he had found of when he was in the army. I guess he had been digging around trying to find his Chrismas lights when he stumbled upon them. I opened up a lot more about mom. One of the things I remember saying was that I still hurt, a lot, and that I still give myself shit for crying so I try not to do it. I said that’s why I liked boxing so much, and now going to the dojo, because after I leave I sit in my car and cry because it pulls the emotions to the surface and forces me to deal with them. It leaves me feeling clean and more stable.

It was a really good night and I actually slept well. It was nice to be held.

Sunday was a slow day. I was sore from wrestling with Big Bad. A good sore, but needing some recovery time didn’t leave me with much energy for all of the chores I had wanted to do. We spent a fair part of the morning talking. I shared more of my own stories like the PTSD I feel while flying. I told him a bit about Jason since I had been  talking about Jon mostly. It was nice.

By the time I left it was time for me to meet Nicole for lunch. That was fun and we spent about three hours together. There was a really positive development in her life and I’m happy for her.

I took a three-hour nap when I got home. No regrets. When I got up I vacuumed, cleaned my room, and started laundry. I even started cooking but wasn’t able to finish it because the broccoli I had bought had gone bad already. Glad I noticed before cook or eating it, but it was still lame to not be able to get that particular chore done.

Warren took the trash out for me with me asking. Hooray. We ended up going out so Warren could get some dinner. I went along for the ride to try to get a coffee drink from Starbucks, but they had closed fifteen minutes before we got there because they’re bastards.

Warren was kind enough to drive down to a Dairy Queen so I could get a small blizzard. I needed chocolate in my life last night.

When we came home we watched the last episode of Westworld. Pretty happy with the way it ended. It was a nice conclusion to everything. I switched the wash then went to sleep.

So now we’re here. I haven’t made hardcore plans for the coming week, but my goal is to make serious progress on my rig projects. I need to not be a slacker in that regard or I’ll miss this potential opportunity.