Daily Post 147: One Week Later


Last Monday was a rough day. I didn’t want to go out, but I did. I don’t remember a whole lot from it since it’s so far in the past now. I made myself get up and go to the dojo. It was a rough workout where I still had tears from taking off mom’s necklace. I cried in my car afterwards because a lot of the emotions were close to the surface.


I had my list of things I wanted to do but when I got home I opted for resting instead. I was tired from jujitsu and pretty low energy from surviving Thanksgiving, plus I had a dinner date with Nicole, Desiree, and Mark that I needed to be able to live through. I wasn’t all that worried about actually doing “things”. The longer I stayed in bed though the more I thought about how I would really rather at least try to do something.

So I tired. I got up and went back out. Go me. I went to the post office, checked my mail, and closed out my PO box since everything seems to have switched over to my new address.

I took an assessment of my energy levels and decided I was still ok to go to Publix for a few things. I was really close to being tapped out afterward. I thought about just going home and resting until dinner. I had given myself the task of going to Verizon and looking into the phone bill, though. That needed to happen sooner rather than later, so I resolved myself to actually going with the promise that if I wasn’t up for dinner after taking  care of that task I wouldn’t make myself go. I would rain check it. I needed to be a responsible adult, though, and this was  one of the things I had been avoiding for way too long. I was already out, might as well go do it rather than saving the suffering for later.

Well… the phone adventure was amazing. I got one of the nicest receptionists I’ve ever met. Through our interaction, I told her the whole story about Zane and why I wanted him off the plan.

At the moment we’re waiting for him to accept liability of the phone. If he chooses not to do that then we’re going to escalate my case up the chain to see about  having him forcefully removed. But… basically, Zane is being removed from my plan so I no longer have to worry about him or his phone. In the process of doing all of this, I happened to go in on Cyber Monday, which meant super awesome deals that I didn’t really know or care about because I wasn’t interested in a new phone.

Well… they had a promotion where if you turned in certain phones you got full retail value for the turn in. My old phone was on the list, so instead of having to stay with the iPhone 6s Zane “bought” for me and having to keep paying it off. I could pay off $300 of the phone, which still had $600 left to be paid, turn in it for $650 credit to my account, and get an iPhone 7 instead, a phone which I would only have to pay .50 cents for per month for since the turn in credit was so high.

All of that while still lowering my bill from $200 a month to $70

Um… yes.


All of that.


So I am now the new owner of an iPhone 7. I super love it. Like, legit, this is one of the best phones I’ve ever had. Super, uber happy with how the situation worked out.

Thank you, Universe. I love you, too.

The phone ended up taking longer than I thought it would, but I felt fantastic for having taken care of it, and for the situation turning out in such a positive way. I went to dinner afterward, which I wasn’t too late for. We met at a sushi bar then went to a pool hall where we played a few games of darts and had some drinks since we were celebrating Nicole’s birthday.

I won one match. Mark won the other. Nicole and I stuck around for a little while after Mark and Desiree left. I came home and went to sleep almost instantly because I was tired. The day turned out so much better than I had thought it would. I’m glad for it.

I don’t remember much about Tuesday and Wednesday… I know I went to the dojo those days, but I can’t remember much else. I want to say something important happened Tuesday, but since I can’t remember it, it must not have been all that important after all.

If I do remember later I might make a separate post but for now there are four other days I do remember that need to be processed through.

Thursday I didn’t go to the dojo. I didn’t wake up early enough for the 6am class, and I had plans to see Big Bad in the evening, so I pretty much had to resign myself to not getting that in for the day. Sad face.

I had therapy at 4pm which was the first time I had seen Andra in about a month. It was good to talk to her again. I told her about doing the writing homework and how I had asked mom for advice. I talked about unpacking her china. I talked  about losing the 20 pounds and doing jujitsu. It was a good session and I’m glad I went. I told her I was scared of my birthday. Those feelings aren’t resolved yet.

I have another session scheduled for before I leave to go to Vegas. Which that’s surprisingly soon. It’s already the 5th. 15 days until my birthday.

After therapy, I went to David’s Bridal so I could finally look into figuring out my bride’s maid dress. They had the size I wanted to try on, which is what the whole issue had been when I was in Texas. They had something too big, and too small, and I wasn’t about to drop $200 on a dress that I hadn’t tried on.

So they had the size I wanted to try. Cool. Tried it on… It’s too big now since I’ve lost 20 pounds… I mean. That’s super cool, and super annoying at the same time.

I tried the size that had originally been too small and it fit. Sort of loosely actually, so I asked what would happen if I kept losing weight and the dress didn’t fit when it came in. They said they could alter the size up to three sizes, so at least there’s that.

I got to gush about my dojo with the woman who was assisting me. She wrote down the website for the dojo and everything while we were talking and said she was super excited about checking it out. I’m hoping I see her there tonight since I said Monday would be the best time for her to come.

So, yeah… that was a huge thing off my to-do list. Got the dress ordered and everything, so now I’m just waiting for it to come in. I even sent Allison a picture of me outside the store so she knew I had actually, legit, gone and taken care of it.

I had just enough time to run home, eat, shower, change, and dash back out to Big Bad’s place.

My night with  him was… different. Nice. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain because it’s about soft, squishy, emotional stuff.

I was running late. We  have a running joke we’re he talks about “punishing” me.  I egg it on because it’s cute. So he made a joke about how I was going to get  spanked because I was running late. This was after all of the  emotional stress from Thanksgiving, my therapy session, the dress adventure and rush hour traffic home… I really just wanted a hug and five minutes of hiding, maybe some overwhelmed tears while I let go of all of the stress that is really self-inflicted.

I replied back to his message  asking if we could  cuddle for a few minutes when I got to him since I hadn’t had a chance to really regroup yet.

He said yes. So when I got there we went back to his room and cuddled. We were quiet for a while. I like that about us. How we can just be together and that’s enough. There doesn’t  have to be words all the time.

Eventually, we did start talking. I don’t remember how, or about what, but we ended up on topics like Jon’s email to  me where he said  he thought I was a failure. I talked about how there’s been a lot more than just mom’s death for me to work through the past eight months. I even talk about  Zane a little.

It was the first  time I’ve really opened up.  I always worry about bringing other people down or talking about things they don’t want to hear about. I don’t want people to feel bad just because a lot of my recent stories are sort of shitty or sad stories. It felt… right… to talk.  My head was on his chest, his arm was wrapped around me. It felt safe.

I feel like we’re  closer for it. We both agreed we wanted to see each other over the weekend and made tentative plans to do so.


Friday was a low energy day. Mostly from lack of sleep. I didn’t do a lot Friday and I’m ok with that.

Saturday I went for a run at a new YMCA. The one I normally go to is going to be closed for a year so they can remodel / rebuild it. That’s cool and all, but it seriously throws off what I want to do.

Well… there’s another YMCA about six miles from me. I can take the bike trail to get to it. With all of the stuff I’m doing at the dojo the only thing I really want to use the Y for are the treadmills so I can pace myself when I run.

So queue up Saturday where I go to this new YMCA and find out my membership has been canceled…

Excuse me…? What?…

Yeah… so we’re getting that figured out. I was supposed to go back Sunday but was too sore to do it. I’ll get to that in a second. The receptionist still let me work out, and it was a pretty decent run. I was happy with how it felt like a warm up rather than, “oh god I’m dying.”

My plan is to keep doing my intense workouts during the week and use Friday, Saturday, and Sunday to recover by doing light running and such.

I finished putting my blog printouts into page protectors. So far I have everything up until August. Not sure if I mentioned that… maybe that’s what the important Tuesday event was that I forgot about. I printed out my “Book of Survival.” Every post I’ve made since March 23rd has been printed out and put into page protectors which are now in binders. It’s my year of survival. I’ve wanted to do this since I got back from my walkabout. I’m glad I finally did it.

It took a few days to get all of the papers into the protectors. I wrote way more than I thought I did. Some of my posts were 13 pages long, too…

Big Bad and I had talked earlier in the morning and agreed to meet up before I  went to a social function in the evening, so after the gym I went home, showered, the headed back to his place for a few hours. That was a lot of fun with more talking in the beginning. We played some Soul Caliber matches and I actually ended up winning most of the games. Muahahahaha!

We ended up making plans for me to come back over once my social event was done. I hadn’t expected him to want to spend more time with me, so the fluttery, girly feeling of being asked to come back was pleasant.

I went to  my monthly  cards night with Frank and his group. It was super fun. We ordered pizza. Frank had just built a fire pit in his backyard, so we had a fire and s’mores after eating. I guess there was a new expansion for Cards Against Humanity, so all of our stuff was new.

It was a good time and I’m so incredibly glad I went.

When I was done I went back to Big Bad’s and stayed the night. We wrestled a lot so I’m covered in bruises. I got to finally show him the things I’ve learned in jujitsu so far. It didn’t help me much… he still won. It started to get frustrating because he kept choking me out with my own arm…

I mean, seriously? How do you even do that?

He showed me a few photo albums he had found of when he was in the army. I guess he had been digging around trying to find his Chrismas lights when he stumbled upon them. I opened up a lot more about mom. One of the things I remember saying was that I still hurt, a lot, and that I still give myself shit for crying so I try not to do it. I said that’s why I liked boxing so much, and now going to the dojo, because after I leave I sit in my car and cry because it pulls the emotions to the surface and forces me to deal with them. It leaves me feeling clean and more stable.

It was a really good night and I actually slept well. It was nice to be held.

Sunday was a slow day. I was sore from wrestling with Big Bad. A good sore, but needing some recovery time didn’t leave me with much energy for all of the chores I had wanted to do. We spent a fair part of the morning talking. I shared more of my own stories like the PTSD I feel while flying. I told him a bit about Jason since I had been  talking about Jon mostly. It was nice.

By the time I left it was time for me to meet Nicole for lunch. That was fun and we spent about three hours together. There was a really positive development in her life and I’m happy for her.

I took a three-hour nap when I got home. No regrets. When I got up I vacuumed, cleaned my room, and started laundry. I even started cooking but wasn’t able to finish it because the broccoli I had bought had gone bad already. Glad I noticed before cook or eating it, but it was still lame to not be able to get that particular chore done.

Warren took the trash out for me with me asking. Hooray. We ended up going out so Warren could get some dinner. I went along for the ride to try to get a coffee drink from Starbucks, but they had closed fifteen minutes before we got there because they’re bastards.

Warren was kind enough to drive down to a Dairy Queen so I could get a small blizzard. I needed chocolate in my life last night.

When we came home we watched the last episode of Westworld. Pretty happy with the way it ended. It was a nice conclusion to everything. I switched the wash then went to sleep.

So now we’re here. I haven’t made hardcore plans for the coming week, but my goal is to make serious progress on my rig projects. I need to not be a slacker in that regard or I’ll miss this potential opportunity.


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