Daily Post 149: A Rainy, Lost Tuesday

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I’ve wanted it to rain for days now. Maybe even weeks. I’ve wanted it to be dark and cloudy outside while water pelts against my window, cooling the earth outside and letting a hush fall over the small space that is my world.

Today it finally happened. The morning started out overcast and gray. The blue sky fought every so often to be seen through the clouds, but the fight was eventually lost.

I woke up sore and tired and in need of a recovery day. Those three hours at the dojo which Google reminded me about later in the evening weren’t going to happen. I thought about feeling guilty about my choice to not go. I thought about how maybe this was just me making excuses. Then I thought about how intense my session had been the afternoon before, and how even after that I went to dance class, and this was while I was still covered in bruises from wrestling Saturday, which Big Bad had admitted to being sore, which, don’t mind me but I’m totally going to take another moment to bask in the feeling of badassery for making an ex-military guy sore.

I’ve been going at it pretty hard lately. It was finally my cold, rainy day. So, no. Not today. I’m not going to feel guilty for staying home and enjoying my lazy day.

Of course, lazy quickly turned into busy since I decided to clean the apartment. It helped that Big Bad asked if he could come over. I’ve never had an issue with the idea of him spending time here. The only reason I had never offered in the past was because I knew he was allergic to cats and I didn’t want Scarlet to aggravate his allergies.

I said as long as he was ok with Scarlet that he was more than welcome to come over. He was fine with it, so that meant I really did have to be a diligent adult and actually put my clothes away… lame. : /

It was good, though. Got a lot done that needed to get done and there was a reward at the end of it other than my own peace of mind.

I messaged my blacksmith about the potential job today. That was harder than I thought it would be.

I finally got all of the files for my new reel in order. I got my scripts set up for my workflow, and that, too, was harder than I thought it would be. I actually cried a little when I ran the code to open one of my custom tools. I don’t know why I did. There was this overwhelming feeling. This is the first rig I’ve worked on since mom died. This is me trying to actually move forward career-wise.

Opening the script was significant for me. It was heavy. It hurt. Opening the second one was easier. All of it will keep getting easier.

Before I could even open one of the character files I messaged my blacksmith. I had to tell him about the job before I started working towards it. It felt wrong to not tell him. There’s still a lot of  emotions surrounding it. I’m worried about  losing him  through all of this even though he’s most likely the one person I don’t have to worry about at all. If two people want the same goal and actively work  towards in, then  it should work, right?

I feel like most of these emotions I feel are residual hurts from past relationships. I feel like they’re insecurites. Feeling like they’re insecurities doesn’t make them go away. It doesn’t make them feel any less icky or in some cases painful. It just means I understand the  need to breathe through them and to not let them fester in my mind.

I told my blacksmith how I felt. How  I wanted to pursue the job but I was worried about it hurting him or harming us. There’s a lot of mixed emotions still, but I feel better from having broached the subject finally. From our conversation, I feel like we’ll be ok. We’re going to talk more about it in person on Sunday. I’m looking forward to seeing him. I could really use a hug from him right now.

I got to talk to Tre a bit today, too. We talked more about the job. I said since the contract was opening February, at the earliest, that with the interview process and art test I most likely wouldn’t be out there until March.

Well.. apparently I won’t have to take an art test. They use more of a behavioral interview process. Nifty. Not complaining about skipping the art test. It will mostly be a phone interview where they ask me technical stuff about my reel and such. If that goes well then I fly out for a 4 to 6 hour interview.

I asked if they were going to feed me or if this was a test to see how much I was willing to suffer for the job.

Tre laughed and said they were very generous with bathroom breaks and food would be provided. Good to know.

There’s the potential of being Tre’s roommate as well. That’s tentative since he needs to see when his lease ends, but if it comes due around the time that I get out there, then he and his roommate are willing to look at getting a bigger place where I could stay with them. So there’s that. Not really much else to say in that regard. Until there’s more information I’m not going to sweat it.

I had to update my graphics card drivers because I was having display issues in Maya. It took me a few hours to narrow it down to “potentially” being a graphics issue. If updating my drivers hadn’t worked I was totally at a loss for what could have been causing the program to freak out the way it was. Totally annoying. I wish I could get those hours of my life back. Screw you too, computer.

I had to download PyCharm as well to work with my scripts on a code level. I was trying to get Sublime Text 3 but the site was having issues and I didn’t want to wait to figure out what was going on. PyCharm isn’t bad and I’ve used it before, just not my number one choice. Maybe that’s just because I was more comfortable with Sublime. Maybe I’ll convert to PyCharm now that it’s the main program I have for scripting.

Anyway, I got all of the files set up, which was a pretty big step for me. Starting projects is always the hardest part. Once I get it going I get caught up in it. I’ll forget to eat because I’m so lost in my work.

That’s sort of how it ended up being. I was rusty at first. Slow. I found out part of the functionality of one of my scripts is busted so I need to go back at some point and work on that. It didn’t help that I’m on a Windows machine rather than my normal Mac. Stupid hotkeys… I love the dual screens, though. I’ve always loved rigging on my beast of a computer.

I ended up losing track of time as I worked on my project and before I knew it Big Bad was texting me saying he was almost to my place. Glad I got all the cleaning done beforehand otherwise I would have been so screwed.

He met Warren which is nice. We have plans to see each other again Thursday evening. Tomorrow is jujitsu and dancing again. More rigging will happen in between those events. I need to do a bit of cooking as well.

I feel like there’s still a lot of emotions that I’m avoiding with the whole job / projects thing. I’m worried my work won’t be good enough, or that I’ve waited too long to start and I won’t be able to finish. That I’ve messed up this chance.

Trying means there’s the risk of not succeeding.

I want to try, though. I want to prove to myself that I can do this. That I can STILL do this. That I’m not broken. I want to prove my younger brother wrong. I want to make my older brother proud and have him not worry about me being financially secure.

I want to do this because I want the chance to ask for the price I want because I’m worth that number.

I wish mom were here. It’s been a pretty good day. I feel like I keep making progress, and yet I still cry and so even though I’m moving forward I feel like I’m still here, where ever here is. I still feel hurt. I still feel like everything I do is just an attempt to not mess things up. But that’s exactly what I might be doing. I might be messing up the frail foundation I’ve been building these past few months, and even knowing that I still want to try. Everything that is worth having is outside of our comfort zone.

I don’t want to lose the people I care about in the process of trying to do I don’t know what. A paycheck isn’t worth it, but it’s more than a paycheck. At least I think it is. It’s more than vindictive bitchiness. It’s more than the shallow feeling of pride. I know it is but I don’t know what that “more” is and that’s frustrating because I don’t know how to explain it if someone were to ask me. If I can’t explain it to myself how I can explain it to others?

It’s frustrating and confusing and I don’t know what else to say.

I love you, mom. I miss you. I wish you were here because you always would listen to me and help me understand my own thoughts or give me another perspective to ponder over.

Right now I’m stuck in the loop of, “I don’t want to fuck up.” But that’s not what it’s about. It’s not about being successful or failing. It’s about trying to live life the way I want, and I want to try to do this.

If I know what I want to do then why do I still feel lost, mom? Why does it still feel halfway pointless and like I’m lying to myself? I know it’s not fair of me, but why can’t you be here, mom? Why can’t I hear your voice anymore? Why do I have to keep feeling all of these emotions over doing simple, silly things like running a script in a computer program?

I love you, mom. Please help me stop hurting.

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3 thoughts on “Daily Post 149: A Rainy, Lost Tuesday

  1. Hello, bloggy friend ❤ I'm T-7 days to graduation! Between that and the holidays life is chaos at the moment, but I've been thinking of you and wanted to check in. I'm hoping to get back to blogging in January. (By the way, I recently discovered Sleepytime Tea Extra (with valerian), so that's working its magic!) I'll keep reading to see how you've been. Take care!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think by now it’sT-1 day for you. You’ve been in my thoughts this whole time, too. I’ll be super thinking about you tomorrow! Happy graduation and congratulations! You’re amazing and I’m so excited for you! : D

      *hugs*

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes! I turned in my 45-page final project yesterday. I have to present it next Wednesday, but I walk tomorrow! Hasn’t totally hit me yet. December is nuts, even when I’m not graduating. I’m sending you all my good feels for the coming days. Be blessed and at peace!

        Liked by 1 person

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