So… I feel like this writing is a bit bitchy and that I should put a disclaimer about that. I’m calling it post-travel rage along with generalized introvert burnout. Hopefully, my next writing is less “burn the world down and dance on the ashes” themed. : D
Writing wasn’t on the to-do list, but you know what… neither was running and I did that, too, so I guess today just isn’t my to-do list’s day.
To-Do List: Look at all the things you can do to be productive.
Me: Fuck that shit. I’m going to go do all of these other productive things instead and totally invalidate all of the time I put into creating you.
Yay right, brained moments I guess?
Anyway, I was sort of worried that I was wasting the day. I mean, I was up for roughly 48 hours. I didn’t sleep well (read “at all”) the night before I left to come home. The plane left at 11:50 pm. There wasn’t a chance in hell of me sleeping during the flight, and then when my brother and I landed I had to drive him back to Daytona so he could get his car from his friend’s house.
Shoot me in the face. x.x
To say the trip sucked is an understatement. At least the plane ride and all of the travel I had to do afterward on so little sleep and caffeine. There were two separate times while I was driving to Daytona where I zoned out / dozed off. Not a cool situation.
I ended up sleeping at my brother’s place for a few hours before heading back home. I NEEDED sleep. The three hours I got was enough for me to get home ok, haul my stuff up to my room, and go back to sleep.
Warren’s schedule changed so he’s working nights, which meant he wasn’t awake when I got home, which is a good thing because I was in uber-bitch mode, and I knew I was.
The apartment smelled like dog, which is gross to me. There were dog fur Godzilla bunnies everywhere. My room smelled like a litter box because it hadn’t been cleaned often enough.
Pardon me while I set everything on fire in my sleep deprived rage of the apartment not being spotless like when I left for my trip.
I’m really just bitching to get it out of my system. I’ve already talked to Warren about it. I’ve already gone through and taken care of the chores that I knew I was going to have to do when I got back.
I’ve paid my bills which is another source of frustration because Warren still isn’t back to square one with his bank account yet. He’s close, but I still had to cover all of the storage payment.
It just sucks. I hate money. And to cover everything and still have to sweep up after a pet that isn’t mine… or buy vacuum bags for a vacuum that isn’t mine that’s only used to vacuum up dog fur… It’s frustrating and makes me feel used.
Honestly, if this is my biggest complaint, dog fur, then I think I’m doing pretty well. I wish I was better at having a roommate. I wish when I said something bothered me and I would like for it to be fixed that it felt like my open and honest communication actually did something to fix the problem.
Anyway… moving on from that since it really is a first world issue and I should just get over it (which I most likely will after more sleep)…
My younger brother met Big Bad. He agreed to pick us up from the airport which was a life saver. I had asked Warren to pick us up but with him working the late schedule now he didn’t think he would be able to stay awake that “late” to get us, and couldn’t guarantee waking up to an alarm.
I really need to find topics that don’t involve him since right now I’m still frustrated and writing about it is just adding fuel to that fire.
Or maybe I really should just write it all out rather than pretending that I feel my conversation did any sort of good because I feel like it didn’t. I did a lot to help him during his breakup with Amber because he’s my friend. I didn’t do it to get help in return. When there are the words of, “If you need anything, or if there’s anything I can do, let me know,” then I don’t feel bad about asking for stuff.
Me: Hey, can you sweep? The dog fur is sort of building up.
Warren: Yeah. Sure
So when it goes undone I’m sort of miffed. And to have that situation play out multiple times… sort of sucks. I’m going to stop asking and just do it myself since asking doesn’t do anything.
Me: Can you pick me up from the airport?
Warren: I don’t think so because I’m not sure I can stay up that late and I can’t wake up to an alarm.
Can you do anything when I ask for help other than telling me you can’t help?
This is why I don’t like asking for help and feel it’s easier to just do things on my own. When you ask for help and the answer is constantly “no” even for valid reasons, it instills a feeling that asking for help is bad. Or pointless.
Positive notes: There weren’t dirty dishes in the sink when I got home. Scarlet wasn’t dead from starvation. My car was still in the parking lot. Drugs weren’t strewn across the floor with random body parts from a party gone bad. In fact, there was no sign of other people being at the apartment at all. My room was untouched. The mail had been checked.
There. Good things happened while I was away. I may be slightly justified in feeling frustrated, but the uber bitch fit I can feel myself leaning towards is unwarranted and I know it is. I really do think it’s more from being overtaxed from the trip back, so I’m glad I’ve kept it in check as well as I have.
Back to the subject I really wanted to write about…
Big Bad met my brother. Not for very long, and none of us were very talkative, but for me, that’s a pretty big step. Like… huge… equivalent to meeting mom, which no one can do anymore. So the next step is meeting my brothers.
Jon said he seemed nice and that as long as he makes me happy that he’s happy for me.
Big Bad and I have been trying to see each other the past two days, but things aren’t working in our favor. He was busy the night I came back, and to be honest I was more interested in passing back out and sleeping for the next forever that I wasn’t too heartbroken about plans not working. I had gotten to see him for a little bit that day. We held hands the whole drive to my apartment. And, yes. I realize how mushy and girly that sounds.
We said we would try to see each other today, but today he’s been sick and I slept most of the day myself. Maybe we’ll have better luck tomorrow. It’s his mother’s birthday, so he’ll be busy for part of the evening, but maybe we’ll still be able to have a little bit of time together if he’s feeling better and my post-trip rage has subsided.
I’m not even on my cycle. I mean, seriously. What chemical imbalance is there to have me wanting to set fire to everything? I would totally be ok with it chilling out.
The bills got paid today. That was mildly frustrating since the internet account, which I fixed last month, is acting up again and won’t let me log in. I don’t even feel like typing all of that BS out. Luckily nothing is due, so I’m going to conveniently leave fixing the account until next month when I do have to pay something so I get frustrated all over again because fuck you, Future Self.
In all actuality, I’m most likely going to call in tomorrow to see why it’s messing up again since I was able to get my account number from the representative I spoke with. It’s just annoying that something that should have been quick and painless is now a giant hassle of multiple phone calls and missing information and corporate red tape.
I’ve figured out my workout schedule, which makes me realize how messed up it is for the next month. Right before my race, too. Such poor planning on my part.
My brother and I are visiting my dad in Ohio from the 11th to the 15th. Allison wants to spend a week at Disney for her bachelorette party. That’s going to be, tentatively, the first week in February. The week after that is my race. Then, at the end of March is Allion’s wedding which I’ll have to travel to South Carolina for.
I really just want to be able to stay here. In Orlando. Where it’s warm. And doesn’t snow. I want to go to the dojo. I want to go to my dance classes. I want people to get out of my time account as well as my bank account.
Maybe I need some hermit time. I’ve made it through a really hard time frame. Even though the holiday season wasn’t the soul crushing trial I thought it would be it still had its painful moments. Maybe this is what it looks and feels like to not get the recovery time I need.
I’m resentful of obligations that take me even the slightest bit away from something I want to do or inches me in the direction of something I don’t want to do. Especially social obligations.
I need to find a balance right now.
Running tonight helped. It was dark outside, which I didn’t really enjoy, and it was on the cold side. But I did better than I did on my last run. Shaved two minutes off my time. I want to try to start adding distance. Big Bad can do a 5k easy. I’ve never run a solid mile in my life… I’m worried he’s not going to enjoy the race because I’ll be holding him back.
I really feel that’s something I should bring up. I want him to know he can run ahead without me. I want him to have fun. If having fun is pushing himself, then hanging back with me is going to detract from his experience. The thought of having a running buddy is nice, but the thought of running the course on my own doesn’t bother me. We could meet up afterward for food and our free beer.
Blarg… Another thing to the to-do list.
After my run, I went to the grocery store. I had literally no food in the apartment. I buy things weekly and since I was going to be gone for so long I made sure all of the fresh stuff was used or thrown out.
That’s great and all until you’re hungry and you have legitimately nothing to eat.
So I stopped and got the ingredients for salads. That’s going to be my lunches for the week. Still not sure about what to do for dinner. I’m thinking chili again.
I need to message Tre to let him know that I’m seriously reconsidering the job offer. I’m still working towards completing the project, but I’ve done some deep thinking on the topic. We’ll see what happens in February. I can always say no if I get the offer.
I’m sure there’s other stuff I could write about, but I think that’s most of it. Angst. Lots of post-travel angst.
Hopefully, tomorrow is less… whatever today was. I have the day slightly mapped out for things I would like to get done. Going for another run is on there since the dojo is closed until the third. I need to run more anyway.
So much lame.