Daily Post 014: 11 Months and Rent


I’ve been scrolling through Facefail for the last thirty minutes. The original goal was to send Corey some information, but then I was able to scroll through stuff, and then there were cat pictures, and new memes, and inspirational stuff, and oh look… I totally didn’t mean to waste that much of my life sitting in front of my computer doing nothing…

Well, I was able to drag myself away from the never ending black hole of the Internet so maybe I’ll still be able to salvage some of the day.

Warren paid rent yesterday. Woohoo. I was able to pay bills like an adult. Huzzah.

I sort of want to go back to Thursday, though. I wrote before going to the dojo. It was a rough post. Thursday was a rough day. A painful day.

I trained hard that evening. It was submission grappling so I didn’t wear my gi. I got to spar a round with Paul, the owner. I know he was going easy on me since I wasn’t tapped out in the first thirty seconds, but it was cool because I was able to go through some of the moves I’ve learned. He would counter, I would counter his counter. It’s one of the reasons I like sparring with the higher level belts. It’s not a crazy free for all. They’re calm and collected and know what they’re doing.

It’s encouraging to hear them go, “Yes!” or “Right on,” when we spar. I do something they weren’t expecting or I do something well and they let me know.

When we were done Paul said that I was further along than he thought I was. I like that. It made me feel good about myself.

Friday I woke up and went to class. I aced the test. Missed one question because I didn’t think it through fully. I had lunch with Ari afterward. She gushed about the new Zelda game. It sounds really cool, but not cool enough to want a new gaming console.

I went to kickboxing before going to lunch. That was awesome. I really like the trainer at the gym. I actually had a short conversation with him and another guy. It was nice nerding out about Zoids and Thundercats. We were shown some pretty sweet new kicks. My legs were definitely shot afterward. I was sort of worried I wouldn’t be recovered enough for the dojo today, but I was.

I found out after I got out of the shower at the gym that I had packed everything to change into… except for a bra… Mother F*****, Are you for serious?…

I ended up putting on my sweat drench compression top back on and going to lunch anyway. It was a nice social event.  I’m  glad I went.

I had ideas of being super productive after lunch but I really wasn’t. After sitting and eating my body didn’t have any problems telling me that it was done doing things for the time being and that my brain could either accept that or get pissy because I wasn’t doing stuff. Accepting seemed like the easier route so instead I came home and napped with Scarlet for a bit.

Eventually, I woke up and convinced myself to go downstairs for food. While I was in the kitchen Warren came home from his grocery trip. I guess he had gone out while I was asleep. He gave me half of this month’s rent with the promise to give the other half on his next paycheck. He also said that he will be making rent payments from this point forward.

That helped me feel better. That makes me less bitchy about dirty dishes being in the sink. And less stressed about, “Holy crap, how am I going to make this work?”

Later in the evening, I ended up going out and depositing the money into my checking account. I then came home and paid bills. As incentive to go out into the world I stopped at Arby’s and got a roast beef sandwich with one of their mint shakes.

I’ve applied for more jobs at the hospital. Housekeeping and patient transport positions mostly, though there was one phlebotomy position that seemed more like a secretary position. It didn’t require a certification so I don’t imagine they expect me to stick people. If I’m not qualified they won’t hire me is pretty much my mentality. I met all of the requirements for the job posting so I applied. Ball’s in their court now.

I figured out how to track my application status on the hospital’s website. One of my applications is in “initial review”. The second Central Service Tech position I applied to is listed as “Application Received” so at least that isn’t closed out yet.

I’ve taken to looking at the hospital postings every day and applying for what I can. Eventually, they’ll get tired of me and give me a job out of pity. I’m ok with that. All I need is a chance.

I tried calling the facilities where my application was sent to from the job fair. I wasn’t able to get an actual person, but I went to their website and applied for at least another five positions.

I guess we’ll see where all of this leads.

So, yeah. That was pretty much the end of Thursday and all of Friday.

Today I woke up tired. It’s been cold the past two days. I had breakfast around 7 am but ended up back in bed until around 10:30. I didn’t sleep, but I didn’t do much of anything either. Pretty much just tried to get warm again. Once it was closer to 11 I Got up and got ready for the dojo. Today was the second time I wore my gi. I’m getting more comfortable with it. I think I’m going to like it.

I had some good rounds today. I’m sore from them and am glad tomorrow is a rest day. I really ought to push myself to do yoga at least. I can tell my hamstrings aren’t all that happy with me. I’m sure tomorrow they’ll be worse.

Currently, I need to get a shopping list together and venture out into the world so I have stuff to cook with tomorrow. I swept the downstairs area. I need to sweep the stairs still, mop, and vacuum my room and the living room. There’s laundry to do as well. I think I’ll be able to handle all of that, though. If not I can finish it tomorrow.

Tonight I have a social event with Frank and that circle of friends. The ones I normally play Cards Against Humanity with. They’re doing a firepit get together. Nothing fancy, just an excuse to hang out and have s’mores I think. I know there’s going to be drinks but after my night with Big Bad last week I don’t think I’ll drink at all, or if I do it will only be lightly.

I’m sort of looking forward to it. I don’t want to back out of it. At least not at the moment. Hopefully, it’s not too much. Today is a bit of a low day energy wise, which is why I won’t give myself crap if some of the chores don’t get done.

Today is the 11th-month mark. It’s a day, just like any of the others I’ve lived through, but at the same time, it’s not. It’s another tick. Another significance. Another fact that goes into making me who I am.

I am the matriarch of my family. I am “The Earth Dragon Who Could”. I am the warrior who wouldn’t give up. I am me and I have survived 11 months without my mom.

That fact is heavy. It hurts, like an ache, rather than sharp and agonizing like it did at the two-month mark. I remember that pain. It’s not easier or really “different”. It’s the same thing, the same grief, but I think it’s calmer now. It’s still itself, just not as volatile and explosive. It’s a fact. I accept it. It’s here, in my chest, and it’s never going to go away. It’s part of me.

I am Jennifer and my mom has been dead for 11 months.

I still got up this morning. I still had coffee. I still trained. I’ll still buy food so I can eat. I’ll still apply for jobs, and I’ll most likely still see my friends tonight. But over all of that, under each task, in the foundation of who I am, is this new fact. Permeating into every action I do today is this new bit of information.

I’ve meditated a bit on one of the comments from my last post. The comment where I asked myself if I was going to sit down and take the hit that life gave me and give up or was I going to hit back, fight back?

Sitting here today, my answer is I’m going to fight. I’m going to win. I’m going to survive. I’m not going to give up, and I’m not going to accept anything less than what I want.

So I guess that’s where I’m at today. Internally I feel like I am resting, regrouping, thinking over my past actions, the information I have, and where I want to go from here. I’m sitting with my arms wrapped around my knees, alone, quiet, thinking. Sad, yes. Alone but not lonely. I think this is processing. There’s hurt mixed in with all of it. Hurt from not being able to talk to mom the way we used to. I always go back to that. Our phone calls. Our hugs. Her presence.

I can feel her with me right now. Not even death can keep us apart. Her last words, “I’ll love you forever and for always.” I know she’s proud of me. I know she’s supportive of me and the direction I’m going. I know I’ll get through today. I know I may smile and laugh, but I know today is another painful day and that “enjoy” is most likely not the right word to use.

I don’t think I’ll “enjoy” today, but I will accept it and hopefully that level of understanding and acceptance will allow me to have some measure of contentment.

I am Jennifer and I accept today.


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