Daily Post 086: There Was Progress

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I guess now is as good a time as any to write.

Today has already been ridiculously productive. I woke up around 5 am and stayed in bed until around 7 am. I finally got up and prepped my food for the coming week along with part of dinner for tonight.

I’ve unloaded and loaded the dishwasher along with handwashing the things that didn’t fit into the load. I’ve swept the kitchen, and before any of that happened I took a shower.

It’s not even noon yet and already I have breakfast for the rest of the week along with my salads for lunch.

I should feel content and yet my brain is wired and not at ease and I guess that’s because next week is a lot of unknown at the moment.

I met with my personal trainer again, which I didn’t realize who I was working with until I was talking to one of my coworkers, which led to an internet search. He’s a big name, and yet he’s now doing personal training in a “middle of nowhere” Nebraska YMCA where he gives all of the money he makes back to the gym. He’s a Ph.D. and founder of multiple companies. He has an interesting, complex story and it’s hard to not feel small when faced with all of the things he’s accomplished in life. It’s hard to, in some ways, not feel unworthy.

Who am I for him to spend his time on? Some lowly CCHT who still struggles with grief over losing her mother? Some nobody? Some chick who can’t even run a solid mile…

I know those are all internal conflicts and struggles within myself. I know I have left my mark on the world already; through the students I taught, the tutorials I made, the scripts I wrote…

I know I’m not unworthy, but still… when standing next to a person who has made literally millions… it’s hard not to feel… less than.

Regardless of those feelings, I’m looking forward to working with him. Our last meeting on Thursday was a lot of talking. He had a printout of the results from the tests he ran on me, which makes me sound like a lab rat, and in a way I guess I am. I like having the numbers. It takes the guesswork out of things. It makes it seem more real and solid. More doable. More quantifiable.

I know how much of what I should be eating and though I don’t like calorie counting, I know that by doing this it will be easier to track the other intakes I’m concerned with. Sodium, carbs, protein especially.

All of the things he told me were things I had already researched and found on my own, so it wasn’t anything new. It was reassuring, however, to hear it repeated from him. It means the stuff I was doing in Orlando, the things that were giving me results, were the right things to do and that I should go back to those habits. It means that our mentalities jive which means working with him, theoretically, will have less friction.

It means that the super hard part, the change to eating habits, really isn’t going to be that big of a deal because I’ve already changed that part. I already meal plan and food prep so I don’t have to learn new skills. It doesn’t mean I’ll be an “easier” client, but I do think it means I’ll be more of a “hands-off” sort of client in that area. I don’t need to be taught, I just need to be left to do my own thing.

In other news…

The clinic is about to do down to three days a week. And I don’t think I’ve written about that yet. I don’t think I’ve written since my meeting at work aside from my homesick letter to mom. And I guess here is a good point to actually go back and look at what I wrote last so I know where I’m at…

 



*Brief Pause In Writing*


 

Ok… so the last time I wrote about life was on April 17th. That was almost two weeks ago.

A lot has happened since then.

I had the meeting at work that day, which is where I found out about the clinic changing its schedule. Because we’re going to be down two nurses for a while, and because there are open seats at our sister clinics, management felt it was better to go from six days a week to three for the next few months.

I agree with their choice. I know it makes things a little inconvenient for our patients, but we don’t have the staff to maintain six days a week anymore. I know there’s a tech going through training. I’m not sure about nurses. My FA will be working the floor with me on Fridays. Mrs. K will be working with me on Mondays and Wednesday until we get more people on the team. Right now the focus is to get the clinic stable with staff and I think that’s a good priority.

I was approved to begin training for NFACT and Vascular Access Manager. So those are things I will begin in the coming week.

I received the documents for the PCT Retention program. I found out that’s more of a bonus rather than a wage increase. I’m still ok with it. It’s more money then I would have gotten otherwise so I’m not going to look a gifted horse in the mouth.

I signed the eDocs and sent them on their way. A few days later I received an email saying I was denied. Queue lame feels…

I messaged my FA and let her know. She replied saying she would look into it for me since she had been told by our region manager that I was approved. At some point this week, I don’t remember the day, I got the paperwork to sign again. I signed it and haven’t heard anything back yet. I didn’t have an additional deposit in my account so I guess it’s still going through flaming hoops of logistics.

I was told my wage increases were approved. I’ve already adjusted my Excel sheet to account for the increase. I’ve also knocked my tax allowances back down to zero. So I’m a little confused as to why I’m short $100 for this paycheck. It’s something I won’t be able to figure out until I go to work tomorrow. It will be nice once all of my financial stuff figures itself out. >.<

I filled out my expense report but I don’t think it sent properly. That’s something I won’t be able to fix until I’m at work with one of my FAs. I want to show them what the system is doing. Hopefully, that can happen tomorrow. Small steps towards completion. It would be nice if it was already completed. /sigh

I don’t know how the new schedule will flow at work and I guess that’s why it’s such an open loop in my head. I know my FA still wants me to show up at 4:30, so I don’t have to wake up earlier which is nice. I’m worried the change over between first and second shift is going to be hard. I’m worried even though the days will still remain shorter than Orlando, that they will be just as stressful, trying to cram everyone into only two shifts.

I know the days will be a little longer. Our last patient will end his treatment around 16:10. That means I most likely won’t be leaving the clinic until around 17:00.

All I can do is wait and see what it’s like and voice my opinion. I don’t like not knowing, though.

I do like the idea of having set days off. I do like knowing I will always have Saturdays off, at least for a little while. It’s why I was able to set up training at the gym so easily. It’s why I’m ok taking on the workload of becoming a VAM. I have consistent times where I can plan to do things.

I finally got my stuff from Warren. That was something that happened last week. I got an email from my old internet providers saying the account was past due. I called and talked to a representative who said the account was still in my name so my credit was the one being affected.

Once I got off the phone with the representative I called Warren. Not surprisingly I got his voice mail. I told him the information I had received. I told him if he didn’t call me back that I was going to close the account. I said that I wasn’t mad or upset. I just wanted him to talk to me so we could figure something out that worked for both of us, but if he didn’t reach back out to me that he wasn’t leaving me a choice. I can’t leave an account open in my name for services I’m not using when the financial burden is falling on me and my credit.

I was furious and betrayed feeling. I had been at the gym when I got that email. I had been in the sauna while I talked to the representative. All of the zen I had built up was trashed, shredded nothingness inside my mind in the face of all of the feelings swarming around inside me.

How could he do this to me? How, after everything, could he still be fucking me over and not telling me?

I drove home trying not to cry in anger.

When I got home I wrote an email to Ms. Side Chick, his girlfriend, since I had her email address from when she was being signed onto the apartment lease. I told her I didn’t know the situation, but that I wanted her to know one of my near future decisions may affect her. I let her know what was going on. I apologized if she wasn’t living at the apartment anymore and if all of my information was unwanted, but I felt she had a right to know about the potential of interruption of internet service if she was still living there.

I was in the process of writing a rage-filled post of hurt about the event when Warren called me back. He was at work and didn’t have long to talk, but we hashed everything out during the time he had.

During the conversation, he said I had a piece of mail from Full Sail along with what looked like a certification. He still had my spare car key, too. He said if he couldn’t get it sent out to me the next day that he would get Ms. Side Chick to do it for him.

Financially he’s still getting back on his feet. Amber fucked him over with a bunch of accounts in South Carolina so he’s catching up on that and it’s taking longer than he thought it would. We’ve agreed to table the issue of him owing me money until next month. June. That’s when I’ll reach out to him again if he doesn’t reach out to me first.

At least I know where we stand and why we’re standing where we are. I feel like it always comes back to this. I’m not unreasonable or uncaring. All I want is to know what the fuck is going on. It’s hard to feel like I matter, that the quarter of my inheritance that went to supporting him meant anything when I hear absolutely nothing in regards to why I’m not seeing payments in my account. It’s just silence and I’m left to hope that I still matter. That it’s not like “all the other times” and that at some point, in the future, some distance far off undetermined time, things will fix themselves magically on their own.

No. Fuck that.

I want to know what’s going.

I deserve to know what’s going on.

I’m owed that.

At the very least, if you’re not going to pay me like you said you would tell me why so I can empathize and not be a raging ball of “Go fuck yourself.”

Last Saturday, while I was at work, I received a text message from Warren. It was a picture of a receipt from the post office saying my package was expected to be delivered on Monday. It was an amazing picture.

Of course, the package didn’t arrive until Tuesday this week, but it arrived. I have my certification for my CCHT. I have something tangible with pretty scripted lettering saying that I am enough. It says that I did something on March 14th that was that is worth recognition. It makes it feel like I actually did something. That I achieved something. That I’m better than I was when I started.

It’s a good feeling and I didn’t realize how much it would mean to me to open that particular envelope and hold that piece of paper in my hands.

I also, finally, got the check from Full Sail. I was able to deposit it through the mobile banking app. I was able to send an email to the representative I’ve been working with and inform her I received the check and that it was safely deposited into my account. She replied a few days later saying she was happy for me. I’m sure we’re both glad to finally be able to scratch this off of our lists of things to keep track of.

I also have my spare key finally, so I don’t have to worry as much about locking myself out of my car. I don’t have to spend money to get a new spare made, either.

So, as far as I can tell, Orlando is 100% done now. I’m completely transferred over to Nebraska as far as work is concerned and there’s nothing left for me to wait for from Warren, other than the money he owes me which is on hold for a little bit.

Looking at it that way, I guess I’m ok with where things are at in those regards. I’m done with Orlando.

A bit of work has been done in the addition at home. Last week we didn’t get to cleaning anything. I wasn’t upset or hurt over it. I can’t remember exactly why it never happened. All I know is that there weren’t feelings of betrayal or being let down. It didn’t happen and it was ok.

This past Tuesday Ox and I cleared out an entire room so there’s more space to move things around.

He’s sick again. I found out Thursday that he went to the ER from work because he was having such a hard time breathing. The doctor said he lungs sounded fine, so it’s not pneumonia or anything. The doctor said it was most likely a severe cold and gave Ox some prescriptions to help with his cough and congestion.

If I ever get done with writing, I plan to go clean a little bit on my own. Mostly vacuuming up sawdust so it’s not as icky out there. I’ve been told I can work on clearing out the basement as well since everything down there is trash.

I know there’s still a lot about my past days that I haven’t touched on. Two weeks of not writing will do that to you I guess. In the grand scheme of things, I don’t think there’s a lot of other stuff that’s really important.

I can’t deposit cash at any of the ATMs here. I can only use my branches ATMs to do that and the closest one is in Omaha, about an hour away. So I guess I need to get comfortable spending the cash that Ox gives me. He’s still paying me back for the help I gave him to cover his car payments. I’m grateful for his understanding and support and effort. It makes me feel like things are different.

He’s showing me that things are different.

I signed up for another Warrior Dash. My race is July 14th. I’m realizing that 14 may be one of my numbers…

February 14th is when I arrived here, at home, in Nebraska. March 14th is when I became a PCT. And now, July 14th is when I will run my race.

It’s interesting.

My mind feels quieter. I don’t think I really figured anything out. Maybe reflecting on the progress my life has made helped. Things did get done. Things did move forward. Yes, some things got added, but that’s ok because some things DID get completed. It’s not the overwhelming crushing force it felt like before.

Things are about to change, and that’s ok, too. I think it will be for the best even if in the beginning they’re a little harder.

I’m set for the coming week and even if Monday is a horrific day of unorganized chaos, that’s ok. It lets us know where things can be improved or modified so the rest of the next two months don’t suck so bad. My FA will be there to witness it first hand and as a competent worker, I know my opinion will be heard if I say there’s an issue.

Things will be ok. Worrying is a misuse of the imagination. I would rather feed that energy into making progress here, at home, so that’s what I’m going to do.

 

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Letters to Mom 016: I Promise I’ll Try

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Hey mom,

I woke up tired today.

I miss you.

I miss a lot of things.

I miss Jon. I talked to him today while I was on break at work. I got to tell him that I’m homesick.

I guess it started when I got a text message from Big Bad.

I miss him, too.

And there’s a part of me that wants to hate myself for that. I want to be angry at myself for missing the times he and I cuddled together. For missing our quiet mornings. For fucking up our plans to do the Warrior Dash in February.

I want to not miss him. I want to remember what it felt like to read his message about being “disappointed. Thanks.”

But I’m bad about remembering things like that. I’m bad about remembering how he never said, “I love you.” I’m bad about remembering that there most likely would have never been a family Thanksgiving that I would have been invited to. A house I could come home to with him. There wouldn’t have been an “ever after”, but that doesn’t make me miss what I had less.

I miss wrestling with him. I miss kicking his ass at Mortal Kombat.

I miss my friend.

Just like I miss Jon. I miss going to Friendly Confines with him. I miss driving up to Daytona for breakfast. I miss our sappy hugs goodbye. I miss the times I slept on his couch.

I miss my dojo. I miss not having anxiety over going to work out. I miss feeling strong and healthy.

I miss feeling like a warrior because right now I don’t.

In a lot of areas in my life I know I’m doing better, but the overall feeling I have right now, the most pervasive one, is that I’m treading water. I’m bearly holding on and maybe that’s just the tiredness. Maybe that’s just the overwhelm of having the kids for the weekend and not having a safe space to get away to.

I feel apathetic right now about most things. About gaming. About working out. About eating.

I don’t want to do anything.

I want to sleep. I want to wake up and feel ok even though I know I’m not “not ok”.

I don’t have drive or motivation for anything at the moment, mom, and it sucks.

I’ve been breathing better for the past few days. I’ve been taking a lot of decongestant stuff and I guess it’s working. So now that I don’t have to struggle so hard to breathe I guess my body thinks it’s ok to remind me that my soul hurts. That’s I’m actually still really injured and I need to take care of that.

But I don’t know how because I don’t know what’s wrong.

I know I like it here. I know I’m starting to love my job again. I know that I don’t dread getting up in the morning even though I still wake up at 3 am.

I know I don’t want my own apartment because I like coming home here. I like being part of a family. I enjoy falling asleep next to Ox. Being away wouldn’t feel right. At the same time, all of my things are mostly still in storage. When the kids are here I don’t have a space for myself. And there’s a part of me who’s not ok with giving up the few days I have off to socialize.

Maybe “not ok” isn’t the right words. I would rather it be a choice rather than something I’m forced to do due to the living situation. But it’s not a choice. I have to and there isn’t really a way to change it at the moment. Maybe ever.

If I’m not “ok” but I’m not “not ok” then what am I?

Why can’t I just figure out what it is that I need to do?

Why can’t you be here for me to talk to? Why can’t I hear your voice on the other end of the phone? And saying, “because I’m dead” doesn’t count.

I don’t care right now. Because you’re dead isn’t a good enough answer.

I miss you, mom, and I so desperately want to say that I need you, but I know that word isn’t true because I’ll wake up tomorrow having survived another day without you and so it’s not a true need. Not like air or water or electrical impulses within my heart.

But I need you, mom. I need you to be here and you’re not and it sucks and I hate it.

I meet with a personal trainer tomorrow. I’ve signed up for a Warrior Dash in July. I have no motivation to do either of those things, but I’m going to do them because I know they need to be done.

This is the therapy part of healing. This is the hard part. The part that hurts. The part that sucks. The part that makes me cry and want to give up because the thought of doing them feels like it’s too much. Too heavy. Too hard.

It’s so much easier to hide away and stay in bed and be sad and to not do anything, but I know that’s not what I truly want for myself. I know it’s not what you would want for me either, so I’m going to go to my stupid meeting tomorrow, mom.

I’m going to try, mom. For you. For me. For us.

I’m so sorry I can’t promise more than that. I’m sorry I can’t do more than try. I’m sorry I can’t say that I’ll kick ass and take over the world and be an amazing person who does amazing things.

I wish I could, but right now I don’t feel those things. I don’t feel amazing or strong. I feel weak and broken and all I can do is say that I won’t let the sadness win and that I’ll try really hard for you.

Today sucks, mom. Nothing bad happened. Work went smoothly. I’m back home and I’m writing, but today just really, really sucks.

I love you. I promise I’ll try to make tomorrow better.

 

Daily Post 085: Looking Forward to Today

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It’s a little after 7 am and I’m alone at the house and writing. Well… not completely alone. Papa Ox is still here but I very rarely interact with him. He will come out to the kitchen for breakfast and coffee and then go back to his computer room to work. I will stay in the bedroom and our paths most likely won’t cross until dinner when we all sit down to eat.

He’s nice and kind and has been accepting of me, but he is a man of few words. I know I haven’t written much about him but I guess that’s because, for the most part, there isn’t much to write. I have to interact with Mama Ox much more to coordinate meals and grocery shopping and cleaning different areas of the house, so it’s easier to make it seem like Mama Ox is the only other person in the picture even though she’s not.

Anyway, because I’m secure in the fact that Papa Ox won’t disturb me, it feels like actual solitude right now, which is an amazing feeling.

I went to sleep early last night after a decent day, and now that I’m writing I’ve realized that I didn’t write anything about yesterday. I’m so focused on what’s ahead that I forgot to take time to reflect on what happened.

Yesterday, as I said, was decent. I didn’t sleep enough and I totally did that too myself. I wasn’t able to fall asleep until around 1 in the morning. With a 3 am wake up call, that sucks. I snoozed my alarm instead of getting up to shower. I took time to heat up waffles for breakfast; not my first choice but at least I ate something.

I drove to work while my eyes burned from lack of sleep. I found out fairly early in my shift that one of our patients had died Friday. I didn’t know her all that well since I’m so new to the clinic, but I was getting to know her. She was extremely kind to me. She never got upset when I forgot that she was the patient who preferred to use band-aids rather than gauze. She would tell me stories about her puppy dog. She had a kind and warm smile and she will be missed; her empty chair a reminder that she’s no longer here.

The workday went fairly smoothly. No crazy turn over. One of our patients called and said he wasn’t coming. That wasn’t a surprise since he’s super non-compliant even when he does show up. Rarely does he ever stay for a full treatment.

I was able to start playing around with the bins my AA got for me. I have 45 termination kits made for our CVC patients. That’s a pretty decent amount. That will get us through most of the month; a little over three weeks. I would have preferred closer to 60, but the bins aren’t quite that big. This at least gives me two weeks before having to worry about making another batch, and that’s the biggest thing. I don’t have to do packs weekly or daily. We have a stockpile and I can rotate through making things.

I got to check my paystub while I was at the clinic. Still no wage increase. I need to check it again before the meeting today just to double check something, but yeah, I will be mentioning this to my FA afterward.

The RN I like working with got a phone call with a job offer she’s going to be taking. That sort of sucks. I don’t know how much longer she’s going to be working with me, but I know her absence is going to leave a huge hole at the clinic; one I can’t fill. One I couldn’t fill for at least two years, so yeah… that is going to suck.

I don’t so much care that she’s leaving. She needs to make the choices that are right for her and I’m not all that heartbroken to see her go. She’s a good nurse, but not a very compassionate or clean nurse. I get along with her and she’s a solid worker, so we flow through the day well. But if trash falls on the floor, like gauze wrappers, she leaves it on the floor. She’ll leave trash on the trays next to the patients, or used syringes…

I don’t know. It’s not clean and it bothers me to know my patients are sitting next to garbage, or having to look at it on the ground, a place it’s clearly not supposed to be. It’s something I actively correct while I’m working with this RN. I go behind her and clean her areas up and make sure the patients are comfortable.

Me: Do you need anything else? Your blanket? The tv? Water with ice? *steathily shifts things into garbage bin and sharps container* Well if you need anything, you let us know. *warm smile as I move to the next area of disaster*

I know this RN can come off as abrasive and that there are some patients who are happy to see her go.

I’m worried about the extra stress it’s going to cause my team, having to find someone to cover a clinic so far away with machines that are completely different from anything they’ve worked with before. I feel like all I can do to  help is be consistent.

I may offer to work five days a week. I’m not sure if they can allow that hourwise. I’m not sure if that’s something I can maintain, and I know as a PCT that doesn’t fix the issue of not having a charge nurse. It could make our clinic a bit more stable though by not having a tech have to float down on the two days I’m off. It would be over time for me which would give me more money and more PTO which I’m going to need if I do take off time in August to visit my brothers and friends in Orlando.

I don’t know… it’s an idea I had yesterday while I was typing up a list of things I want to talk about during and after the meeting today. We’ll see how that gets received I guess. My heart isn’t set on it. It’s really more like recon than hoping it will work out.

That’s about it as far as work goes. Not a whole lot to say at the moment. The meeting is at noon so I plan to leave around 11 to be there early.

After work yesterday, I came home. Jon called me while I was driving and he and I talked for a while. We’ve been talking more consistently. I like it. Ox called, too, or rather, he texted me saying to call him, so I chatted with him while he drove to Home Depot to order the countertops everyone decided on.

It was nice sitting in my car outside talking to both of them. The sun was out. It was warmer than it has been, though the breeze still had a bit of winter bite to it. The grass was surprisingly green even though yesterday it was buried under snow. Birds were chirping… I stayed in my car for a few minutes just to enjoy the moment. It was close to six. I was already off work and home. It was still sunny outside… Life isn’t awful.

Once I was done with my phone calls, I went to shower the day away. Mama Ox cornered me as I was about to go into the bathroom and asked if I wanted to cook dinner. I had already told Ox on the phone that I would, but there was a large part of me who didn’t want to. I was tired. My head was starting to hurt from being awake so long with so little sleep. I was really hesitant before answering that I had planned to cook the deer steak in the fridge for dinner but that I wouldn’t be heartbroken if I could save that for tomorrow instead.

Mama Ox: You know, you don’t have to answer everything so delicately. *warm smile* Alright, you’re off the hook for tonight.

It was such a relief having someone else take over that obligation. Willingly, no less. My mind had a hard time wrapping around my interaction. Mama Ox wasn’t upset with me. She didn’t think I was a slacker. She didn’t think anything negative at all; at least not that I know off. She made an Asian dish with peppers, onion, carrot, bamboo shoots, and cashews and it was fantastic.

Since she took over dinner I was able to enjoy my shower rather than rushing through it. I was able to finish vacuuming the room, something I had started on Saturday but never found the time to finish. I folded the laundry AND put it away. I rearranged things a bit so now there are two dirty clothes baskets in the room. One for me and one for Ox.

Since he does construction work he’s worried about washing our clothes together. He doesn’t want mine to get messed up with oil and grease and grime from his work. Most of my stuff is soft, thin microfiber. His is heavy, thick jeans and cargo pants. His stuff has velcro, too. I can’t disagree with his logic on washing our stuff separate.

While washing separate seems to work fine, having only one basket was causing friction in the system. With only one basket, I would have to hunt through it and pick out what was and wasn’t supposed to go into the washer. And though the modified system of, “my stuff in the basket, your stuff in a pile on the floor” was working… it was like a low-grade sandpaper scrapping over my brain cells everytime I was in the bedroom because dirty clothes aren’t “supposed” to be on the floor.

Hopefully, the two basket system helps keep things a little more organized and clean. We’ll see how it goes.

Anywho, it ended up being a very enjoyable evening last night; one which ended shortly after dinner since I was so tired.

I took two Excedrin, drank a bunch of water, then crawled into bed beside Ox as he played World of Warcraft. As I was drifting off to sleep I asked if we could throw the books away.

The basement is pretty empty aside from stuff that needs to be thrown out. One of the things Ox and I have talked about before is clearing it out so I can have a punching bag down there. As I was driving home last night I thought about how I knew I wanted to work out, but I didn’t want to go to the gym and run, or do weight machines, and there wasn’t a class I could get to. It would have been nice to just come home and punch something for a bit and then shower and continue on with the rest of my night.

Ox: Yeah. We can do that, baby.

All of the warm fuzzy feels.

I know we most likely won’t get it cleaned up to the point of being able to get a bag right away, but it’s a step in that direction. It’s probably what I’m looking forward to the most about today. Ox coming home and us moving forward together, even if it’s only by a little bit.

As far as today goes, I need to make breakfast since I’m starving. There’s a bit of stuff I want to take care of and look into before showering and heading out to my meeting. After my meeting, I plan to go to the gym and workout. I also plan to turn in my piece of paper inquiring about personal training with the doctor they have on staff. I offered to go grocery shopping for Mama Ox this morning before she left for work, so I’ll most likely run into town after the gym. Before stopping by the grocery store I’ll stop by the bank and actually go inside.

I bank with Navy Federal Credit Union. The closest physical branch is in Omaha, roughly an hour away. According to the Navy Federal app, there’s a bank I can use in town that won’t charge me for using their services. I’ve withdrawn money from this bank’s ATM a few times and been fine. No missing money. No charges. We’re good.

Saturday, while we were out, I asked Ox if we could stop by the bank so I could deposit the $50 of cash he gave me into my account. He didn’t want me to use the ATM to deposit because he was worried it wouldn’t go into my account properly since it’s not “my bank’s” ATM. He said he would rather I get clarification from someone rather than risk losing the $50 in a void of nothingness, never to be seen again.

Though I don’t share his worry, I understand it. I agreed that I would wait and talk to someone, though I didn’t know when that would be. Well, it just so happens that if I work things right, it could be today, so I’ve already added it to my to-do list.

Once grocery shopping is complete I’ll get to come home and cook then throw away stuff in the basement for a little bit. I’m sure that will lead to needing a shower, and then it will be bedtime since I work tomorrow.

I’m looking forward to today and I’m hungry, so I’m going to go.

 

Daily Post 084: Two Days In a Row!

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Sorry if it’s annoying, having me post twice in one day. I haven’t done that in a while and I do feel like this is an accomplishment for me. I’m actually caught up and writing a legitimate daily post. I feel better for how much I have written and reflected on recently.

It’s a good feeling. Like I’m getting back on track. Like I’m making time for me and my mental/spiritual wellbeing.

Today was another day that didn’t go according to the plan I had in my head, but that’s ok because it was still a good day even though it was sort of a shitty night.

I had another kidney stone. At least I think I did. It didn’t hurt nearly as bad as the first one I had, which thinking about it as I laid on the bathroom floor trying to force myself to take deep breaths through the pain, I realized was almost a year ago to the day. Though the pain level wasn’t as bad as the first one which forced me to throw up and take a trip to the ER, it was definitely the same type of pain.

I tried to tough it out and not wake anyone up but after what felt like a while, though it could have been a short amount of time since time perception gets sort of messed up when pain is involved, I decided someone needed to know what was going on because the pain might get worse. I made myself get up off the bathroom floor which sucked but so did laying down so I guess it really didn’t matter. Nothing I did was or could help the pain. I had a cup of water because I knew I needed to drink fluid to help it pass. I went back into the bedroom and woke Ox up. I told him I thought I was passing a kidney stone.

I don’t remember everything that was said mostly because all I could focus on was the pain and I was proud that I had articulated anything in a mostly coherent fashion. He had me lay back down next to him and he cuddled up against my back as he rubbed his hands up and down my side. He talked to me, coaxing me to try to take deep breaths.

It helped with the pain; knowing he was there, feeling his warmth, having his voice to focus on rather than the mildly agonizing pressure and stabby sensations in places that should never be touched and that I couldn’t reach. The pain started coming in waves, growing, then ebbing. I couldn’t stop from writhing and shifting or from making pained whimpers as I moved around during the waves.

And just like last time, I didn’t pass an actual stone, so I don’t know if it was literally a kidney stone or not. I don’t know if it dissolved on its own. I don’t know what happened other then the pain increased to a breaking point and then was gone and I could breathe normally again and the sense of relief from the pain being gone was so overwhelming that I wanted to cry.

I fell asleep next to Ox shortly after the pain subsided. When I woke up I had a mild headache and I could feel ghost pains from the night before. Maybe the pain this morning was all inside my head since the memory of last night’s ordeal was so fresh, or maybe I really was experiencing pain due to inflammation or from the surrounding muscles contracting so hard as a result of the pain.

Whatever it was, I was mostly ok when I woke up aside from that felt like soreness in the side of my back and a headache.

Ox made cinnamon rolls. I cooked eggs and bacon. We ate with his parents. As Ox and I were getting ready to start work on the addition Mama Ox decided she wanted to go into town to look at countertops at Lowes and Home Depot… you know… just to see if maybe they had anything she liked better since she wasn’t 100% in love with what we had found at Menards.

I get it. I totally do… But… At the same time…

Why? ;-;

That’s totally not what we were supposed to do today. I was supposed to make progress here, at home, and not go out into the world where I would have to deal with people and socialize.

As I was getting my towel to shower, since I can’t go out into public without showering, Ox and I had a brief exchange where I mentioned how I was sort of not ok because even though figuring out the counters is a huge step forward, it’s not a visual step and so it would feel like nothing got accomplished on the one weekend we were supposed to do things. We get the kids every other weekend and because of that those weekends are “no work” weekends. That means there’s really only ever four full days in a month that things can get done. I wasn’t ok with the thought of going another two weeks with nothing changing.

We agreed that when we got back from our unexpected excursion that we would finish up the laundry room. I hadn’t gone through the cabinet out there yet. It was a task I was supposed to tackle on my own but was intimidated by.

Ox said we could tackle it together and that would give me the visual progress I needed. I was ok with that and was able to shower and go through the day knowing we had come to a good compromise. A good halfway happy.

Home Depot was by far the best store as far as customer service goes. Their rates were pretty decent, especially when considering professional installation was included in their pricing.

Lowe’s had a way better selection but their service sucked and installation alone was $700. What the actual fuck? That’s the price we were quoted for just the countertops there, so professional installation would literally double the price.

We pretty much noped our way out of the store after that.

I felt drained again, energy-wise. I hadn’t planned on going out. There was still snow on the ground but surprising I wasn’t bothered by the cold. Wearing my new shoes most likely helped with that.

And I’m going to go on a mild rant here because my computer just automatically restarted on me… Goddamnit Windows, this is why no one likes you. I was in the middle of something. I told you not to do anything with my computer and you did it anyway. Thankfully, I write all of my posts in Grammarly first so everything was already saved, but seriously, fuck you. The past three times I’ve sat down to write I’ve been interrupted. I didn’t need those updates. I most likely didn’t want them. I just wanted to write. Go burn in hell. Awrrawrrawrrawrrawr. >.<;

/end rant

Anyway, back to talking typing about my day…

I knew there was still stuff to do. I was still supposed to cook dinner. Ox and I were supposed to work on the house. I wanted to do laundry and make sure I was reset properly for the coming week, but after the countertop adventure, I wasn’t feeling like doing anything other than hiding in a dark hole of nothingness where higher level thinking was banned and human interaction was equivalent to crossing the Line of Demarcation and punishable by death.

Ok… maybe my energy level wasn’t that low… but it was close…

Ox and I ended up going to Greenfields for lunch, which is the place we first had breakfast together during my original trip to Nebraska. It was amazing going back there again. I was able to have a warm cup of coffee followed by a lunch combination consisting of a turkey sandwich, a bowl of French onion soup, and a cup of fruit. The atmosphere was quiet for the most part and we were seated in a corner booth away from everyone.

It helped balance me out and recharge me. We decided since Home Depot seemed like the company we would be going with for the countertops that we would stop by the store again on the way home and pick up more samples for Mama Ox to look at.

With a better idea of what type of countertop we were going to be going with, Ox and I were able to start thinking about how to handle the cabinetry; wood stain versus paint, light versus dark. We were able to get a feel for the type of tiling we want to do on the kitchen wall space between the counter backsplash and the cabinets as well.

It was really nice and I’m glad we went back even though originally it seemed like a dauntingly impossible task.

We went home after that.

We talked with his parents more about the countertops, eventually leaving them with the sample chips to discuss which one they wanted to go with.

I laid down for a bit in our dark and silent bedroom. When I eventually got up Ox and I sorted through the cabinet in the laundry room. We were able to throw a bunch of stuff away. Since we cleaned out a bunch of space there, we were able to move the light bulbs that were being stored in the bathroom cupboard out to the laundry room cabinet. There’s a fairly empty shelf I would like to move most of the cleaning supplies to, but that’s a project for a different day. I would want to get the green light from Mama Ox first before making that change, and since I didn’t have it in me to move forward on that project I decided it was better to wash up and have dinner instead. It was getting kind of late anyway.

Oh. We were able to clear off the top of the freezer while we were working, too, which was another area that needed some serious attention.

I heated up one of the containers of my sriracha chicken since there were leftovers from last night. Originally I was supposed to cook deer steaks but the meat wasn’t thawed enough so it became a “fend for yourself” night. I ate my dinner sitting on the couch behind Mama Ox who was at the table on her computer. We talked about the countertops again. I gave my opinion on the one I liked the best and why then watched the show that was playing on the TV. It was something on the Discovery channel about finding the truth behind the myths of sea creatures and stuff. It was actually pretty interesting.

After eating I loaded up the dishwasher and set it to run. I finished putting away the cleaning stuff I had used out in the laundry room, started a load of laundry, then came back to the bedroom to write.

And so here I am, at the end of my day. I need to switch the wash into the dryer, but workwise, I’m pretty much prepared for tomorrow. I’ve already filled the water filter so I can fill my water bottle before going to sleep and not have to worry about that in the morning. My scrubs are cleaned and put away so the cats can’t be jerks and spray them again. I have clean socks, too, and will shortly put all of them into my backpack so I can have my stash at work. I have leftovers to take to work with me tomorrow for food as well as bread, lunch meat, and chips I plan to take with me so I can make sandwiches on my lunch breaks rather than constantly having to meal prep at home.

That was something I got to thinking about at some point late last week. Since we have such a small team at the clinic, there’s actually space in the fridge and cabinets to keep stuff at the clinic. I think that’s one way I can cut down on my stress. I don’t have to constantly cook and prep stuff. I can keep some things in the clinic breakroom. I’m going to try it out at least.

Monday, tomorrow, I’m going to take everything with me and leave it there through the week. At the end of my work week, which will be Saturday for me, I plan to bring whatever is left back home with me so I can regroup and see what I need more of, grocery shop for the replacement stuff over the weekend, then take the restocked foodstuffs back with me the next time I work, which since the schedule ends this coming week, I don’t actually know what I’ll be working, but I’m hoping to start the whole “Me Day Mondays” the week after this one.

So yeah… lots of stuff on the horizon hopefully with the addition of modified / new routines.

I’m looking forward to work tomorrow since the bins I asked for should have arrived. That means I get to play around and reorganize stuff during my downtime. Woo! I’ll also get to finally check Workday to see if I got my wage increase or not.

Tuesday is my meeting at work so I’ll be able to talk to my FA about becoming NFACT certified with the possibility of moving towards Vascular Assess Manager with the potential move to LPN in the future.

Yes… Lots of stuff to look forward to this coming week. Guess I should get off the computer so I can get to sleep so I can not hate life while I’m doing all of it.

Daily Post 083: And Then Booze…

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Written last night.
Posted today because guildmates
are bad amazing influences. 

 


 

There are two full days worth of writing to get through. I’m hoping I have it in me to get to the end because productive day was productive. x.x

Also, totally high fiving myself for writing before another full week passed.

 


 

Friday – April 13th

Friday the 13th. A glorious day off where I did a whole lot of nothing. I woke up and had a morning cigarette with Ox. I went back to bed after an extremely brief exchange with Mama Ox. I was so not ready to socialize. In fact, for most of the day I wasn’t and I’m completely ok with that fact. Yesterday was pretty much the first day I had been able to have to myself since last Wednesday.

That’s over a week.

In introvert time that’s FOREEEEEVVVVVVVEEEEEEEER.

I eventually got back up and had breakfast. I talked to my brother, which was nice, followed shortly afterward by crawling back into bed. Eventually, I got up for lunch and proofread my last post and actually posted it. Woo. By then the bed needed to be cuddled again because it was lonely. I talked to Ox while he was on his lunch break. After a few more hours I finally got up and showered which helped generate some energy for my day, though by then it was already 3 pm. People come home by 5 pm usually, so in my mind, the day was already pretty much over.

I decided that I would use the little bit of time I had left to actually do some of the chores I needed to get done. I started by forcing myself to sit down and look at my bank account; something I was knowingly procrastinating on.

I was nearly brought to tears at how ok my finances were. I was able to pay ALL of my bills. Not only that, but I was able to pay extra, EXTRA, on my car payment, student loans, and credit card.

And… AND… I still had money for groceries and gas.

*mind blown*

It was amazing. I adulted the shit out of this paycheck, and it’s only going to get better from here. At least in theory. Until I’m able to get on one of the computers at work and see if there was a change in my wage or if this was just from the overtime I worked a few Saturdays ago, I’m not going to count any eggs or think of this as the norm. I also had a bit of extra from my tax return still in my account, so that helped as well.

Still totally ecstatic that I was able to make so much progress without having to buy ramen noodles. God, it’s such a good feeling.

I decided after paying bills that I would work on the new tattoo I want to get. It gave me a reason to unpack my tablet, which sort of sucked because when I went to plug the USB cable into it the port fell into my tablet…

I don’t even know how it could break that way, but I am left tabletless and Wacoms aren’t cheap. At least not the one I would want to get. Since I haven’t been using it I’m hardpressed to justify going out and getting another one. After stewing a bit I decided I’ll work on my tattoo design the old school way; with pencil and paper.

I was still able to do all of the research and design legwork that needed to get done for the concept, so even though I wasn’t able to make as much progress as I would have liked, or in the way I had originally planned, I was still able to take steps forward.

I talked to Jon again later in the evening, after everyone was home. Ox hurt his thumb pretty bad at work. It’s mostly just sore now though I guess it bled a lot while he was at work. When he came home I got to help him clean the cut and bandage it up.

I cooked dinner. Stir-fry. It was awesome, though not as awesome as the last time I made it. The only difference was last time I tried actually frying the noodles once they were boiled. I guess it really does matter so I’ll fry them again the next time I cook that particular meal, which I guess if Ox had his way would be every night for the rest of forever.

I don’t think I stayed up much past dinner. Ox and I slept with the bedroom window open. The forecast called for snow early in the morning so there was a pretty cold breeze outside. Perfect for snuggling under the covers close together. Though, I do want to point out how messed up it is to go from 80 degree, shorts and a t-shirt weather to snow…

 


 

Saturday – April 14th

I do have to say that today did not go as I thought it would, but it was an amazingly pleasant day regardless.

I woke up around 3 am because that’s when I’m conditioned to wake up. I went back to sleep until 6ish. I went outside, had a cigarette, came back inside, but didn’t really have the motivation to do anything while everyone else was still asleep.

I crawled back into bed beside Ox and slept for a bit longer. When I got up again I poked around on Facebook for a while, then decided it was close to 9 and that it was time for Ox to wake up. I vacuumed a bit but didn’t get a chance to finish the bedroom before breakfast was ready.

We had eggs, bacon, and waffles. It started snowing at some point while we were eating and the day wasn’t projected to get any better weather-wise.

Ox and I had talked about working out in the addition today, but those plans changed. His mom wanted to figure out the kitchen counters instead. I can’t blame her. Getting the kitchen squared away would be nice since that’s such a used area.

Instead of staying home, we took a bunch of measurements, I drew up a rough schematic of the countertops, I made a grocery list for later, showered, then headed into town to go to Menards.

We looked at countertops for two hours. x.x

I didn’t expect to be there that long. There was tension at a few points between Ox and his mom but overall it was nice. We got to look at new kitchen sinks, too, since Mama Ox doesn’t like the one in the kitchen right now. I was also able to buy a couple of racks to help organize the kitchen; one for skillets and one for baking sheets.

Since it was snowing, and because I still only own sandals, Ox and I agreed that going to a shoe store would be a good idea. We went to my new wing place and got lunch first. I had the same waitress as last time which was nice. She’s pretty friendly. Getting lunch at a relatively quiet place allowed me to recharge from the unexpected drain of counter shopping.

We went to Star Bucks after so I could have a coffee drink, then CVS so Ox could look at different band-aids for his thumb. There was a Famous Footwear store nearby where I was able to get a pair of sneakers I actually like. They’re black with accents of hot pink.

Ox has this thing where he wants me to wear pink. Raver pink, not soft fluffy pink, so I’m more ok with it, but pink really isn’t a color I’ve ever thought of as a “me” color. So yeah, getting shoes with pink in them was definitely a “for him” thing. The laces are pink, too, which at the time I thought was too much. I bought black laces to replace them with, along with socks since the only ones I have are for my work shoes.

It ended up being a bit more expense then I was expecting, but I like them and I needed a pair of shoes to work out in the addition in, or to wear on days like today where it’s cold and wet and snowy, though, hopefully, the snow part of it will be over after today.

There was a Jo-Ann Fabrics store next to the shoe store, so I ran in and bought a packet of tracing paper so I could work on my tattoo design later.

From there I went to a strip club.

Yep.

You totally read that right.

A strip club.

It was the first time I’ve ever been in one. There is a story behind the trip though not all of it is really mine to tell. The bullet point version, without backstory or supporting details is that Ox knows one of the girls who works there. He had to talk to her the other day and she mentioned how he seemed happier and better now that his ex was no longer in the picture. She asked if he was seeing anyone new. He said yes. She said she wanted to meet me and that she worked Saturday. So yeah… we went to a strip club so I could meet one of his friends.

She’s amazing and I feel we clicked pretty well as we talked about Disney movies and anima and how we both can’t wait to see Wreck-it-Ralph 2. We both want to hang out more and I’m actually looking forward to it. Aside from coworkers, I really haven’t met anyone in Nebraska yet. Ever, that’s her stripper name, seems to be the type of person I could actually be friends with.

It was a fun experience, striptease included, and I’m glad I went rather than using my introversion as an excuse not to. I was pretty dead on the energy side of things afterward, though. Meeting a new person in a totally foreign atmosphere was a lot for me and we still had grocery shopping to do. >.<;

Ox was awesome and drove us to the store I prefer. We got everything on the list along with stuff to make a recipe I haven’t made in ages; siracha honey chicken rice bowls.

I also got two 12 packs of Bang while we were there because I totally don’t have an addiction problem or need any sort of intervention…


 

And this is where my writing got interrupted by a conversation Ox and a guildmate from World of Warcraft were having in Discord which led to me logging in to join the conversation which led to me making a rum and coke drink so I could partake in the shenanigans. It was a nice way to end the night and I don’t regret not finishing my writing.

Long story short… Ox and I came home. I put groceries away. I cooked dinner. I sat down and started writing. I had an awesome conversation with friends and we might be trying to plan a guild meet up for next year. With that, I’m off to a new blank page to write about today. : D

 

Daily Post 082: Recap Attempt #2

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Hey mom,

I didn’t start crying when I typed that. Go me.

I want to finish telling you about my week since I wasn’t able to finish it last night. I was crying through most of my writing so when the internet crapped out on me I figured it was the Universe saying that I had had enough for the day.

But there’s still so much that’s happened and a lot of it is really good and I really need to tell you about the good stuff.

 


 

Friday – April 6th

Friday was another day where I worked. I was pretty sick and I knew working was going to suck. I also knew it was a shorter day than if I had been in Orlando and that I would tough it out.

I ended up getting a text message from my new FA. She needed me to update some of my personal information in the company’s system, specifically my address, because she was having issues moving me over from Orlando to Beatrice. While we were texting she said I was approved for the Step Up program which will be another boost to my wage.

That’s three raises within a month, mom.

FA: You are a FANTASTIC addition to our team and I want to make sure we do everything possible to show you how much we are so glad to have you! 🙂

I’m doing good. It’s not just BS inside of my head. I’m excelling and I’m actually getting compensation for it. I might be able to break that $15 mark that has been haunting me. I make less than when I started teaching at Full Sail still. Because I make less I’m failing; taking steps backward in Life.

I save lives every day I work and yet I’m failing.

I know that’s not a healthy way to look at it, but if I could just make what I started at I would feel like I’m at least back at square one. I would feel like I’m out of some intangible hole of darkness that is eroding away the success of my life.

I’m close to being there. So close. And I’ve earned it. It wasn’t handed to me.

I guess that’s what makes it so… vindicating. As a first-year tech I “shouldn’t” have gotten a raise during my yearly review, but I did because my FA thought I did amazing. I passed my national certification because I studied and proved that I knew what I needed to know. I’m approved for the 12-month increase in this program because I’m a competent technician who meets the program’s requirements.

I got myself here. I’ve earned these things and I’ve earned them because you raised me to be who I am. These accomplishments are ours, mom, not just mine and I’m so happy that I can tell you about them. I’m glad that I achieved them even though you died. I’m glad I can say that I’m doing well and it’s not just words or lies or half-truths.

They’re full truths.

The day at work was still brutal, but it wasn’t as bad after getting the messages from my FA.

Ox got his kids for the weekend so I was bombarded by an eight-year-old when I got home from work. You would love her. She’s adorable. I wish you were here to tell me how to be a parent. I wish I knew how you did it when you were tired from work and wanted to be alone. I wish you were here to tell me that I’m doing well. All I can do is try to be a parent like you were to me. You are my example, mom, and I feel pretty lucky to have had you for as long as I did.

I didn’t sleep well that night. Things didn’t feel right between Ox and I because of the money issue. He said everything that everyone else has said. “I’m sorry.” “I’ll pay you back.” “I’m not like the rest of them.”

He said everything I didn’t want to hear which instigated the feelings of “not ok-ness”. I ended up sleeping on the couch for most of the night and only part of that had to do with being sick. I needed the space. At the time I didn’t know how long it would take to come to terms with our situation. All I knew was that I wasn’t ok and I needed to be alone to figure it out.


Saturday – April 7th

I worked again. I was still sick but not as much as I was the previous day. The morning was rough because things still didn’t feel ok between Ox and I. We still had our cigarette together. He still hugged me before I went to work. I wanted to magically fix things to be the way they were before he asked me for the money, but I couldn’t. I had to go to work wanting to say more but not knowing how to.

It was a short day at work, so all I had to do was survive, which I did.

I messaged Warren to see if he had had a chance to take care of the internet account. Not surprisingly, I didn’t get a message back from him.

I also found out that the work schedule had changed and that I didn’t have Monday off like I had thought. No. I had to work Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Four days in a row.

I was glad I found out about the change. I also realized I was sort of fucked on the introvert side of things. The kids were going to be leaving Monday morning so I wouldn’t have any time to recover or prep for the coming week. I was going to have to hobble through the week using duct tape and super glue and hope that things got better not only with my sickness, but with Ox and me, and I knew that wasn’t going to happen unless I talked to him, which I wasn’t ready for.

After surviving work, I went home and celebrated… I need a code name for Ox’s daughter still… but anyway, I celebrated her birthday. She turned eight. That was a bright moment in the day even though I was tired.

I went to sleep early that night still feeling disconnected from Ox.


 

Sunday – April 8th

I had Sunday off, thankfully. I spent most of the day sleeping and trying to feel better for the four days ahead of me. I messaged Warren again in the morning asking him to please reply to me. By the evening I still hadn’t heard from him so I sent another message.

Me: Dude. I get being busy and shit but this is stupid. All I want is to know what’s going on since I’m still getting emails from Spectrum.

Maybe that wasn’t the best way for me to handle the situation, but I had pretty much had it with feeling disrespected and ignored. I know from having lived with him for over a year that he’s glued to his phone and that he’d seen my messages. I know you would be on my side with this, mom. He’s being a jerk and that would sadden you. Maybe you would be able to talk sense into him if you were still here.

I got to text with my blacksmith and Big Bad a bit on Sunday, too. I miss both of them but I also enjoy the life that I have here.

I want the future that’s here and that makes things painful. The tentative plans at the moment are for me to visit Jason and Jon towards the end of August. If I visit Orlando I will want to visit my old clinic. I will want to see Nicole and Warren and a few other select people. I’ll want to visit the dojo and roll with the guys again. And there’s a part of me who will want to have a quiet cup of coffee with Big Bad or a hug from my blacksmith.

I still care about them. I can’t not remember how much they helped me heal and grow during the first year after your death. I don’t know what to do with those feelings right now other than to know that they’re there. I guess that’s something I’ll have to come back to and meditate further on.

I feel like I should be making a list of things I need to think about and figure out. I feel like that’s a theme I’m constantly writing right now. “I need to figure it out. I need to meditate on it.” Maybe I’ll actually get around to figuring all of that shit out at some point.

I went to sleep early again since I had work the next day. I wasn’t even remotely ready to go back in but I also knew I didn’t have a choice. I’m the only PCT for the clinic at the moment. No one else could cover me short notice like that even though I was googling the symptoms of pneumonia.


 

Monday – April 9th

I don’t remember much about work on Monday. I know I made it there. I know I worked. I’m pretty sure I started feeling better the longer the day wore on.

I stayed late that day to do the steps I needed to do to be reimbursed for all of the work expenses I’ve had. I wasn’t able to submit the report, but I got most of it figured out.

Ox and I talked about the money situation when I got home. Or rather, I finally admitted that I wasn’t ok with it. I’m glad we talked. I’m glad he shared his side of the situation with me; specifically his emotions and his reasoning.

I admitted that I was worried about permanently damaging us by letting him borrow the money because now all of those icky feelings are part of our dynamic. The fear of not being paid back. The fear of being used. The feeling of loss over something that I worked hard to earn. The fear that this was a test that I should have said no to and now things are ruined for forever because I can’t let things go.

I cried. We hugged it out. We agreed all we can do is prove to each other through actions that we’re not our exs. In this situation, that means waiting to see how things play out, and that sucks, but I think we’re better for having talked to each other. And I guess I should really rewrite that to say, I’m glad I manned up enough to voice my feelings rather than keeping everything bottled up where it could fester and get worse.

I know we ended up having sexy time that night and I think that helped, too. With being sick and working and the kids being there, we hadn’t had much time to be affectionate towards each other. I’m sure the distance between us didn’t help the money issue feel any better.

The sex helped me feel more connected and grounded. And totally going to have a girl moment and say I slept amazingly well that night because yes. Just… yes. And I know that if we were actually talking, sitting on the couch with Law and Order reruns playing in the background that you would have some silly, quick-witted remark that would have us both cracking up.

I know that you would be/are happy that I finally have a stable relationship with open communication where I can talk through my fears and still be ok. I can admit that I’m not happy with something and have it not be the earth-shattering end I’ve grown to associate with voicing my feelings. I think you would be pleased that it brought Ox and I closer together and that we’re stronger for this challenge we’re being faced with.


 

Tuesday – April 10th

Of all of the days that could have turned into a clusterfuck of disaster, it was this day.

I overslept and was late for work. >.<;

I ended up sleeping on the couch a little bit after sexy time. I was coughing a lot and sleeping elevated seems to help me breath better. So I took some pillows out with me around midnight and left my phone in the room and fell asleep. I wake up at 3 am for work so I can have an unrushed shower and breakfast before getting dressed.

So imagine how screwed, and not in a good way, I felt when I woke up fairly rested, tiptoeing into the bedroom to see what time it was and realizing it was 4:15, I’m supposed to be to work at 4:30 and I have a thirty-ish minute drive to get there and I’m still in night clothes…

*queue cold, sinking feeling of despair in the pit of my stomach as the death of my work life flashes before my eyes*

I totally didn’t shower. I threw things into my lunch box. I don’t even remember what it was. Ox was super apologetic. When my alarm had gone off he assumed I was already in the shower since I wasn’t in bed. He filled my water bottle for me as I dashed around trying to in some way salvage the morning. Of course, the only number I didn’t have was the number for the RN I was scheduled to work with that morning so there was no way to let her know I was running late.

Fuck my life. Seriously, mom, I thought I was so dead. I thought I had ruined the day and there was no recovery.

Surprisingly I made it to work by 5 am. The RN was super chill. She sent me a text as I was driving so I was able to call her and explain the situation. She said not to worry, that we would be fine and we were.

I was able to do the water checks like I needed to do. We got the clinic set up and everyone on the machines at their scheduled times. It was a surprisingly smooth day. While I was on my break, having my cup of coffee, I took a moment to take a picture of the sunrise because that’s one of the things I love about where I work now.

Even with the craziness of the morning and the fear and anxiety of having royally fucked everything to hell and back, I was able to have a moment of quiet, peaceful serenity that made everything worth it.

The move. The goodbyes. The change of everything. The sickness. Even the mad dash to repair the morning. This picture, this moment, and every moment I’m able to have where I can reflect on where I was and where I’ve been able to bring myself, makes me remember that it’s worth it.

 

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I ended up getting a reply from Warren later in the day explaining that his phone has been messed up since the latest OS update. He explained the situation with the Internet account. He didn’t say anything about my spare key or about paying me back, but at least he replied to my messages finally. I’ll tackle all of that when I feel like dealing with more excuses and BS.

I messaged my FA about my expense report since the system wouldn’t let me submit it. I have to have a person to send it to for approval and it won’t let me enter my FA’s name. I think it’s because I’m still listed in the system as being in Orlando. She’s looking into the issue for me so I’m hoping that will get resolved.

I came home and took close to a three-hour nap and it was amazing. When I woke up I made dinner. It turned out really good and it left me with leftovers to take to work for lunch the next day since meal prepping didn’t happen over the weekend.

That night was another night of incredible sexy time.

I know… two nights in a row. My brain can’t even.


 

Wednesday – April 11th

I woke up tired. #noRegrets

I also found out that one of the cats sprayed all over my clean scrubs…

I ended up rewearing the ones from the previous day. Aside from that small hiccup in the morning, the day went smoothly at work. I emailed our AA and requested more things for the clinic.

This was the day that I think I’ve found my direction at work, mom.

I was going through a couple of the notebooks because it seemed like they were redundant. While I was combining them, I found the criteria to become a Vascular Access Manager (VAM). It made me realize that because our clinic is so small, we most likely don’t have a VAM and that if I did this training I could fill that role.

It got me thinking about the different things I already know about, like becoming an “expert cannulator”, which would be more training. It got me to thinking about becoming an LPN instead of going all the way with RN. I want to stay in a tech role while being able to be more helpful to the nurses I work with. LPN gives me that. At least I think it does. It’s something I want to talk to my FA about at least to see what I could potentially be doing to continue to grow.

I don’t know. I just… allowed my self to think about the future. I let my mind wander over what it would be like… What would it be like if I stayed at the clinic for a year? Two years… a lot of years?

I like the thought of being a core person there. Someone who’s knowledgeable and important and… I don’t know… I like the thought of having some sort of “ownership” over it. It’s “my” clinic.

I clean and stock the treatment floor. I know our first MWF patient has a tape allergy and only likes the plastic tape. The fourth patient doesn’t want to walk out with gauze on her arm. She likes bandaids instead. I know the fifth patient on TTS likes her chair pushed all the way back and the screen of her machine turned to block the sun when it rises.

I want to be the best I can be for my patients because I’m the only tech they have. I want to be the best I can be because they deserve to have the best. I’ve listened to their stories, at least as much as we’ve been able to share in the two-ish months that I’ve been working there.

I’m not burnt out anymore, or at least I’m on the road to recovery from it. I like the idea of staying at the clinic. My patients inspire me to be the best version of me I can be. I think you would get a kick out of that, mom. We never thought I would be able to do anything medical because of how I used to pass out at the sight of blood, and now look at me. Little Ms. Dialysis Technican stabbin’ people with needles and shit.

I know you’re proud of me and that you’re thrilled that I touch the world in the way I do now. I never saw my life here.

While I was going through the binders I found the old phone sheet for the clinic. It was a list of all of the teammate’s cell phone numbers, only, over half of them didn’t work at the clinic anymore. Not a very helpful phone sheet…

Since the day was going so smoothly I ended up recreating the phone sheet, structuring it better. I removed the old names and numbers and added the new ones, like mine, that needed to be added. I also added the phone and fax numbers for our “sister” clinics in Lincoln along with the numbers for the FAs and AAs because those are important numbers, too.

Towards the end my RN came over and looked at what I was doing. She said I was way more ambitious than her. I told her that I enjoyed making documentation like that and that my second degree was in Digital Graphics. It was a wonderfully creative outlet which continued the positive energy the day had generated within myself.

I will say that even though I felt good about it, there was a part of me that wanted to downplay what I was doing.

Me: Oh… it’s nothing… really… all I did was open a resume template in Word 2013, delete a bunch of stuff, and then type in the information I wanted… It’s not like I “did” much of anything…

Also Me: You’re a fucking bawce. You know who else updated the phone list? No one. That’s who. You will take your praise and compliments and you will like them!

Once the clinic was closed up for the day I drove home. I changed into comfy clothes and dyed my hair. Mama Ox brought home Chinese food for dinner so no one had to cook. I rewashed my clothes because the cats are jerks.

Ox gave me part of the money he owes me since Wednesdays are paydays for him. He was originally going to give me $100 but I wouldn’t take all of it. I only want $50 payments.

That $50 is already the most anyone has ever paid me back. I don’t want him to limp by the rest of the week because all of his spare money went to paying me back. The relationship is two halves. I don’t want my other half to suffer needlessly. We’re not going anywhere. It doesn’t matter if it takes two months to pay me back instead of one. I would rather it take two and have us both be content and ok, rather than be paid back in a month and my other half be stressed and not ok.

We’re doing ok and I’m more secure in feeling like it’s ok to believe I will actually get my whole $400 back because he is actively paying me back as he can.

It was a good night. I washed the dye out of my hair and crawled into bed. Sexy time didn’t happen but that’s ok. I think my brain would have broke if we had gone three nights in a row.

I did end up sleeping on the couch again. Even though I’ve been feeling better the past three days now, I seem to keep getting coughing fits and last night was one of those times.


 

Thursday – April 12th

And here we are at today. All caught up for the most part.

Today was was my fourth day in a row at work and for all of the stress I put on getting the clothes washed so I could have clean stuff to wear, wouldn’t you know I completely forgot to pack socks in my bag this morning… I ended up wearing my gym shoes all day at work, which got me a lot of comments since they’re the Vibram toe shoes I’m not supposed to be wearing… but it was either those, my sandals, or barefoot because there wasn’t a chance in hell I was wearing my work shoes without socks again.

I took the CWP out of its disinfect cycle. I’m getting more comfortable with my routines at work and how they fluctuate through the week.

The bins I asked to be ordered should be in tomorrow so I’ll be able to play with them at work on Monday. I’m looking forward to that.

One of the doctors made rounds on the patients today, so one of them ran for six hours instead of his normal five. That sucked, but it left me with time to continue making notes and lists of things I want to bring up in our clinic meeting this coming Tuesday.

Once work was over I went to the gym again. I ran and did more upper body work. I picked up a sheet for personal training. I’ve been thinking about that a lot and how to mesh my personal routines with work.

I think I’m going to request to always have Monday’s off. That would give me a day alone before having to go back to work. During the weekend Ox’s parents are home so it’s awkward for me to meal prep or do any of the chores I want to do. And I realize that’s mostly all just inside my head but I feel weird. Everyone else is playing computer games or watching tv and here I am being Ms. Productive and making them feel like slackers. Or… since I’m up and they’re up… having to have actual conversations with people while I’m in my introvert mode… Don’t mind me while I go to the backyard and dig my own grave because that seems more appealing than actually talking to a human right now.

It doesn’t help that every other weekend the kids are here so it’s even harder to do chores or to get to sleep early enough for work since I wake up so incredibly early compared to everyone else.

I also want to start looking at maybe taking a class or two at one of the community colleges. That might be a little tricker, but it’s something I have the motivation to do, and something that would be easier to accomplish with a more set schedule.

Consistently having Monday off would give me a day where I would be alone for most of the day so doing chores and stuff wouldn’t be an issue. I could actually look at having personal training again as well since there would be at least one day I could guarantee a consistent time to meet. Training, ideally, would give me something to do in the morning that would force me out of bed, which has been an issue I’ve noticed for my days off. On my days off I tend to not do much which allows the apathy and sadness a foothold.

Having Monday to myself would ensure that my weeks reset fully. Laundry, meal prep, writing, planning, mapping everything out so I at least have a battle plan that can be modified as needed.

I think I’ve proven myself enough at work that I can ask for a “me” day and get it. I didn’t mind working four days in a row. Even with all of the unashamedly sleepless nights that I’ve had I made it through all of my days with energy to take care of what I needed to.

I’m going to see if I can talk to my FA alone after the meeting on Tuesday and see if something like that can be worked out. I think that would make work as close to perfect as human existence can allow it to be.

I’ve eaten dinner. I got to talk to Kyle a bit. He’s still not able to pay me anything back, but it was nice to be able to chat with him and to hear his voice.

Ox is home from a long day at work. It’s supposed to snow eight inches on Saturday. And I don’t have to go to work tomorrow.

I’m glad I wrote all of this, mom. I’m glad that I didn’t cry through all of it. Not even most of it. I’m glad there was so much positive to tell you about.

I still miss you. I still feel that hurt, that ache. But I’m still going on because I know that’s what I’m supposed to do right now. I’m still going to the gym. I’m still eating healthy. I’m still trying to learn things and to help people. I’m still striving to be a daughter you can be proud of.

I love you, mom. I miss you. I love you, forever and for always. Thanks for listening to me and for being there for me; through all of it. The good. The bad. The new. The scary. Thank you, so much, for loving me and for helping to make me who I am.

I’ll talk to you later.

Daily Post 081: Recap Attempt #1

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I wrote this yesterday evening but only got so far before the net crapped out on me. I will continue in a different post because this post’s time has passed.

 


 

It seems to be a trend to have to recap my days rather than writing daily, but I want to take a moment to acknowledge that I have written more consistently in the past month than I have in the two years since mom died. Maybe that’s a sign of recovery. Acknowledging this fact hurts while at the same time feels good.

It feels like I know she’s happy for me; for me writing and doing something that gives me peace and fulfillment. Like she would have one of those small smiles of pride that would make her glow from the inside. One of those smiles that she would smile whenever she knew I was doing something I didn’t want to do or a task that didn’t feel worth it in the beginning or sucked or was hard. The pride of knowing I accomplished something that I struggled with but I didn’t let the struggle win.

This post is for you, mom. This post is for all the times I haven’t written; to you, for you, for myself. This post is for not writing on your death day. This post if for every time I never sit and make myself write to you when I know you’re the one person I want to talk to. This post is for all the times I’ve struggled with the feelings of loneliness and lostness and have thought about giving up but didn’t.

This post is for us.


 

Wednesday – April 4th

This was the last day. The first day. This was our last, “I love you,” in person. This was my last hug from you. This was the day I woke up to Lio saying that I needed to come to the hospital because you had died while I was at your apartment sleeping before I took what was supposed to be my shift with you in the hospital room.

This was the day Jon gave me your mother’s ring. This was the day I called the funeral home.

This was my first day without you to tell me how to be an adult. How to cope with all of the shit life was going to force me to go through.

I talked to my therapist on Wednesday. I didn’t stay in bed all day. Instead, I got to tell her about all of the amazing things that have happened since I’ve moved to Nebraska.

It’s been probably the best thing I could have done for myself, mom. I can’t put into words how much more ok I feel here. I don’t hate work anymore. I don’t feel burnt out. I’ve been sick for almost a whole month, coughing and having issues breathing, but even that can’t take away the fact that I don’t hate living life as much as I was.

It was a good conversation and it helped me not sink into the darkness I could have so easily disappeared into on that day. There were so many “lasts”. So much sadness. None of it has gone away. None of it hurts less.

I guess it’s because I survived your death, because I kept living, I was able to experience things that make me grateful that I’m still here. April 4th, 2018 wasn’t awful even though I still missed you as much as I do every day I breathe.

After my phone conversation, I took a shower and went into town. I had to buy a flower for you. I had to keep up with my tradition; a tradition two years in the making. There are two roses in your vase now and writing that sucks. I hate that I had to buy that stupid flower, mom. I hate that you’re not here and I’m tired of being sorry for feeling that way.

I think that’s something I have to come to terms with; that I’m allowed to miss you even though I know you’re still a force in my life. I’m allowed to wish you were still alive. Having a spiritual connection doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to long for what we had.

So yeah, I hate that I had to do something because you died but I’m glad I did it. I’m glad I pay my respects to what this day meant for us and our relationship. I bought you a rose. I wish I still had the china hutch set up the way I did in Orlando. I wish I had a better way to honor your urn, but right now I’m doing the best I can.

I wasn’t able to connect with you the way I wanted to on your death day. I don’t feel like I get much quiet time to do that, or maybe it’s that I’m avoiding doing it because I know it will hurt. I don’t know. I know last year I knelt in front of your urn and wrapped my arms around it and cried my eyes out. I wanted to do that this year, but I didn’t it because I wasn’t alone.

Instead, I cooked dinner for everyone and when I had a moment alone in the room I added the flower to your vase as I placed my hand on your urn. I had a small moment with you and until now, sitting here, writing, that was the most I felt like I could give because giving any more would cause people to ask questions and I didn’t have it in me to deal with that on top of my emotions. I wanted to survive and I did and that came at the expense of our connection.

That I am sorry for. I shouldn’t let things like that come between us. I’ll try to be better about it in the future.

 

Thursday – April 5th

I worked this day. I don’t remember much about it, workwise. I got a message from Nasse. He and I haven’t talked much since I saw him at your service. He sent me a picture of a shirt you bought him at one of the color guard competitions he and Jon were part of. He said he still treasures that shirt. I had tears in my eyes as I replied, “thank you for that” because it meant so much to me to know that you still matter to other people, not just to me.

You didn’t touch just my life, mom. You influenced so many people and we all still miss you. We are all, still, forever changed for having known you.

Thursday did sort of suck in one regard. Ox messaged me while I was at work saying that his car payment was two months behind. He asked if he could borrow $400.

I had just gotten my tax return. I’m still waiting on the check from Full Sail along with a billion other things money related, but I finally had one thing. I had a check for over $800 that was money I had earned. I was going to do so much with it. And then suddenly I’m faced with the same situation I’ve been in so many times before.

What is it that I’m not learning to constantly be put here?

I was angry. I was hurt. I knew I wasn’t going to say no and that sucked. That felt like defeat.

I sat in my car and cried angry tears as I smoked a cigarette, thinking about what I wanted to do with my life.

I decided that I wouldn’t let it fuck up my day. I still went to the gym like I wanted to. I ran and I did pretty well. I like the gym in Beatrice more than the ones in Lincoln. It was quieter, emptier, smaller. It was homier and “lived in” feeling. It’s not new and ritzy and flashy. It has a dry sauna which I love. It has an area where I could do yoga by myself. I would never be able to make it to any of the classes they offer, but I think I’m ok with that.

Going to the gym made me more ok. After the gym, I drove into town. I went to the bank and withdrew the money for Ox. From there I went to my new wing place for lunch. If I was going to do something I didn’t want to do then I was going to reward myself with something that I did want and I gave zero fucks about it.

Left Brain: We’re having money issues… I don’t think spending anything is the best…

Right Brain: Go fuck yourself. All of the things!

 

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Yeah… INFJ shadow traits at their finest…

The wing place isn’t as awesome as my sports bar in Orlando, but it’s passable. It’s something I think I could grow to enjoy. I read through some posts online while I waited for Ox to get off of work. He met me in the parking lot, I gave him the money, he drove to the bank and I drove home after stopping at Star Bucks because I wanted one of their coffee drinks that I hadn’t had in what felt like forever. It was another moment of, “Fuck it. I’m getting this and I’m not going to let the Universe make me feel bad for getting it” moments.