Daily Post 032: The Floor Isn’t So Scary

Standard

I think I might actually get to sleep at a decent hour. Thought 3:30 am is a pretty lame wake up hour when you’ve been unemployed for a year. I do have to say, I at least know how to wake up and function that early in the morning thanks to my time at Full Sail.

I wasn’t as tired as I thought I would be this morning, which was a nice surprise. I showered and got ready for work. I even took some time to braid my hair. I’m not going to lie… part of that has to do with watching Vikings and seeing some of the cool shit they do with their hair. Another part of it is me wanting to be more girly and feminine, though if you ask me if that’s one of the reasons to my face I’ll totally deny it and say it was an alternative fact.

So yeah, I done did my hair this morning. I packed my gym bag since I had the training appointment after class, packed lunch so I wouldn’t starve during the day, then headed out to work.

I like the routine I’m forming. I get there early enough to see my trainer by himself. We exchange pleasantries. I offer to help set up, an offer he always graciously turns down. One day I will win. From there I go to the break room and make coffee while my breakfast heats in the microwave. The room is empty, quiet, peaceful. I listen to the coffee machine humming as it heats the water. I love the soft pouring sound as the smell of coffee begins to fill the small space. It’s nice.

Today I noticed that the rack where the coffee pouches hang was low on some of the flavors so I restocked it while I waited. It gave me a reason to go through the cabinets. I know where the stir sticks are now, and the sugar packets, which I also restocked.

It was nice watching everyone filter in, making their coffee and knowing that I had helped improve their day. They didn’t have to dig around to find stuff. It was already there and ready to go. Maybe I’m weird or slightly voyeuristic by enjoying that behind the scenes sort of knowledge.

Anyway, today we worked with the machines again. One of the things we had to do was mix a bleach solution so we could clean the equipment once we were done. Some of my classmates were having issues keeping the different ratios straight so I got to explain the method I’m using to keep the confusing mess organized in my head. It helped some of my teammates.

We also had a “friendly” competition where we divided into teams. Our trainer picked a leader for each team and said we were going to race to see which team could set the machine up the quickest while still being accurate.

My team was last even though everyone kept commenting on how well I did…

I seriously don’t get it; this… whatever it is my classmates feel for me. Admiration maybe? I definitely don’t feel I deserve it whatever it is. I’m a student just like they are, and a lot of this stuff doesn’t come naturally for me. I have to read a lot of the content several times before it starts to sink in, and even then, it’s not until we get to the hands-on portion where I get to mess up, then write out my notes so I can reflect back on my process and understand my errors that I really begin to solidify everything in my head.

I’m not a prodigy. I’m not better than they are, but I feel that they hold me above them, like the shining example they strive to be. It’s a little alienating, and I think it bothers one of my teammates, conveniently the one I’m supposed to train with at my clinic tomorrow…

I know she was having a bad day today, so maybe that was it more than her actual feelings towards me or the dynamic shift in our group, but still. I’m not trying to rock the boat. I would really be ok with not having the attention that I feel I have.

The second half of class was mostly computer work. I wasn’t able to get all of it done because there were three side conversations going on which made it hard to focus. I was interrupted several times with questions from a few people as well. That I didn’t mind but hearing about someone’s plans for how they wanted to remodel their kitchen was pretty annoying.

I was glad for the day to be over. We were allowed to leave a bit early which let me talk to two of my classmates alone. The one-on-one interaction was a nice break from the constant stimulation of being around 12 people. All girls I might add. Sooo much estrogen. x.x

Because we left early I got to the dojo a bit early which allowed me time to stretch and decompress from the mild overwhelmed feelings I had been picking up throughout the day.

By the time my trainer was ready for me I was ready for her. She showed me how to do front rolls and back rolls. I have done front rolls in aikido and had started working on backrolls, but it’s been so long I wasn’t confident in my ability anymore, and when I messed up during normal warmups for Gi and NoGi classes I didn’t know what I was doing wrong to fix it.

Having my trainer, we’ll call her MG, there with me explaining it all to me again was fantastic. I am now a roll master. We did cartwheels, too. That’s another warmup we do every so often in jiujitsu class and even though I did gymnastics when I was little I haven’t done a cartwheel in what feels like forever. For some reason the floor seemed terrifying when I thought about doing a cartwheel; more so than when I thought about doing front rolls.

I mean, really? Out of everything I’ve been through in my whole life I’m going to be scared of making myself look silly by trying to do a cartwheel? I’m pretty sure I could find something more ridiculous to be scared of but at the moment I really can’t think of anything.

Left Brain: It’s the floor. It’s not like it’s going to jump up and attack you. Just do a fucking cartwheel.

Right Brain: Screw you! We’re going to die if we try doing this. Instead, let’s panic because having an anxiety attack over the thought of maybe potentially doing something is a way better way to invest our limited energy.

Well, no longer is the floor terrifying. I can totally bust out a cartwheel on my left side. The right side is still sort of dodgy, but I can mostly do it. It’s the landing that sucks. MG said it’s normal for people to have a good side and a bad side. This just means I know which side I need to practice with more.

We did some weight training, too. That was fun and I know my arms are going to hate me for it tomorrow. Good. Maybe they’ll suck it up and finally stop being so weak. Totally happy with how well the session went. We arranged to meet again this coming Monday.

I think that’s how I want this to flow for the remainder of my clinic training. Monday I’ll have a session with MG that way through the week I can alternate between yoga and the workout she has me do. On the days I feel up for it I can go to a jiujitsu class or Muay Thai, but for now, I think I’m content with focusing on conditioning.

I talked to Jon a bit when I got home. We ironed out some details with his resume. We’ve also arranged to go kayaking next weekend. Big Bad is interested in going as well, which would be really nice. I might suggest making it a date day and seeing if he wants to go to the beach afterward since we’ll already be in Daytona.

I did a few other computer chores while I was at my desk. I finished the training I hadn’t been able to complete while I was in class since it would have bothered me to leave it unfinished. It would have required me to have less time on the floor tomorrow interacting with patients as well, so I’m glad it’s out of the way.

I ate dinner and watched another episode of Vikings once I was happy with the tasks I accomplished. It’s been a nice way to unwind at the end of the day. Eat, relax, make my night time tea, blog, prep for bed, go to sleep.

I’ve never been one for having a night time routine. Not a solid, consistent one at least. I think I’m forming one now though, and I think it is helping me to sleep better. I think the blackout curtains help as well since there’s a lamp post close to my window. I love sleeping in darkness. ❤

Well… That’s it for today. Tomorrow starts early so I’m going to go. I hope it’s as good a day as what last Friday was.

Daily Post 031: Personal Training

Standard

I could have been responsible and gone to sleep at a decent hour…

Or…

I could have done all of the things I did without regrets…

I’ll let you know how I feel about my decision to stay up late at 5 am tomorrow morning. XD

Today was a pretty good day. I woke up sort of tired. I guess that’s to be expected when I don’t go to sleep at a decent hour. I don’t have much hope of tomorrow morning being much better, but I’m happy with how my day went.

I enjoyed my cup of coffee and I still made it to work early enough to have breakfast alone in the breakroom. The first half of class was interesting and engaging. We had a guy from the Biomed department come and explain the water system to us and give us a giant list of all new important numbers we have to remember along with everything else.

Sooo many numbers. x.x

The second half of class sucked. Like, hardcore, “OMG I want to bash my head against the desk” level of suck. Mostly because we were sitting there listening to the instructor (not the awesome engaging Biomed guy) read powerpoint slides to us. There wasn’t a discussion. There wasn’t any sort of higher level brain function. It was literally just sitting there and suffering through things we had already received video training on. It wasn’t even new content. It was stuff we literally already knew and there was no way to fast forward through the slow, agonized monotone reading.

Arg.

But, good news. I survived it. Huzzah! And I don’t have to see that instructor until next Monday. Hooray!

I found out that one of my favorite teammates had a really shitty first day at her clinic on Friday. We talked about it as we walked to our cars after class. In six months she might try to switch over to my clinic, which would be fantastic. I would love working with her. But that’s in the mid-distant future. The good news in that regard is that I believe she still has a job, and even though the clinic she is being moved to is a bit further away, there’s a chance she can transfer to other clinics once she’s through the RN training, since she’s an RN and not a PCT.

Yay medical acronyms.

Anywho, I talked to Jon. He’s been interested in my company since we’ve been talking about my new job on the phone fairly often. I mean, it is sort of the main thing going on in my life at the moment, which I’m ok with because I really don’t want to bitch about boy drama anytime soon.

I told Jon on Saturday, maybe it was Sunday, that I would see if my trainer knew anyone in the Daytona area that he could talk to. Well, Daytona is too far from our district for my trainer to have a contact of us, but he encouraged Jon to check out the website and go through the application process.

That meant when I got home I worked on revamping Jon’s resume for him. I think he’ll like the layout, but I’m waiting on his approval before doing much else with it.

I went to Muay Thai tonight which was great. I was paired with a guy I have never met before. I found out later that he hasn’t been at the dojo for a while, but he’s good friends with all of the trainers.

It was the first time I’ve really taken hits in the face. I’m glad I wasn’t as flashbacky as I thought I would be. I remember what it was like when Warren #2 hit me. I remember all of the things that followed that incident. I’ve always been worried about how I would handle it, and now I know.

I can take a hit during training.

There was a lot of light sparring tonight. Another first for me with Muay Thai. Normally it’s just drills or conditioning. I guess I’m working my way towards being an MMA master or something. Total killer death machine with my elbows and shins.

Anyway, I got to see James tonight. I haven’t seen him since December. Maybe before then. We didn’t get to talk much, but we did clasp arms and bump shoulders. I would saw it was a “bro” thing except James isn’t like that. It was definitely more of a warrior type of clasp which my inner warrior self is overjoyed with. It’s not like you can randomly go up to people and clasp arms saying, “Hail fellow! Well met!”

II ‘m glad that James is still around and that he wanted to give me a hug. At least I count it as a hug. Warrior hugs are a thing.

I talked to one of my trainers about personal training costs and possible hours. I also asked about coming to the dojo to do yoga and other things earlier in the afternoon once I get out of classes since making it to the evening classes is hard at the moment.

Well, I know have a training session tomorrow after I get out of class. XD

Sometimes I wish I did things slowly or in small incremental steps. Instead, it’s feet first into the deep end more often than not.

So yeah. I have training after class for 30 minutes for $20. Since it’s right after class I don’t have to worry about skipping out on it because I’m tried. I go straight there, get my ass personally kicked, then head home to finish out the day. No more waiting three hours to workout in which time I’m able to talk myself out of going.

Nope. Totally ending that trend before it can become a habit because fuck you, Brain. You’re going and you’ll like it.

I think this will be really good though. I’ll be able to get help with the techniques I’m sort of insecure about. I’m looking forward to it. There’s more to write about in regards to this from a financial aspect, but I really don’t want to get into that at 11 pm. So I’ll save it for another time.

After chatting with my trainer for about forty minutes, since she’s one of the few girls I actually like standing around and talking with, I came home and cooked a pot of beef stir fry. Warren #1 and I got to chat about the financial situation of the apartment. Again, not something I want to go into super deep detail with, but it factors into why I’m ok with exploring the personal training sessions.

I’m hopeful that this month is going to be better than the previous months. Warren seems more energized and less depressed. He’s actually been taking care of himself and tasks that he’s needed to get gone. I want to see where this goes and how it pans out. Maybe things are on an upswing.

Right now that’s about it. I still need to shower and drink my tea, but I’m glad I was able to process through everything. I’m glad that I’m at the end of my day and for the most part my to-do list is taken care of. I know I’ll be tired tomorrow morning, but I’m ok with that. I’ll be able to sleep after my training session, and Wednesday I’ll be back at my clinic getting more comfortable and familiar with my new job and tasks.

Daily Post 030: The Right Direction

Standard

Today has been a good day. This weekend has been a good weekend.

Friday was amazing. It was my first day at my home clinic. The first day meeting the people who will soon be my new teammates. The first day meeting the patients I will be working with three days a week from now until the day they die or move or receive a transplant. The first day meeting my new supervisor; the fourth one I’ve ever had.

It was a good day. One which started at 3 am. I got to the clinic by 5 am. Traffic was non-existent which I was grateful for. I’m ok with early mornings for that fact. Everyone is still asleep. There’s a solitude that I enjoy that can’t be found any other time. A hush. A quiet which I thoroughly enjoy.

I was nervous. I explained to my trainer what I had been cleared to do. We agreed on what I was comfortable with doing. She showed me new things. She explained the layout of the floor for my clinic and how things are divided up between the team members. I learned how to make the needle packs for patients; how much gauze, which tape rolls, how many alcohol and iodine packs.

At the end when I asked my trainer how she felt I did she said I did better than she expected. I was allowed to string the machines and set them to prime and test the alarm systems and though I did make a few mistakes, with my trainer’s guidance I was able to correct them and in most instances, I was able to troubleshoot the issues on my own.

I was able to clean the chairs and machines once the patients were done. I like to think even though I asked a lot of questions that I helped my trainer out a little bit.

My supervisor is one of the kindest people I have met. There’s an aura about him; the way he carries himself, the way he talks to my other teammates and patients. You can tell he cares. He’s genuine and real.

There’s another girl who was training with me on Friday; one from my class. My clinic will not be the one she works at, but it is where, at least for the moment, she is getting the “hands on” portion of our training. It was nice to have her there with me. A familiar face in the sea of new. At the end of our shift, before we went home, my supervisor took us back to the breakroom. He had bought a cake for me and the other team members as a way to welcome me to the clinic.

It was so amazingly fantastic. I felt nothing but welcomed all morning and then to have something like this done for me left me speechless and humbled.

I had felt that having a good morning was my sign that this was the right step forward. Simply having a good day and not killing anyone and feeling my confidence grow as the day progressed was enough. Having a good day was enough to affirm to myself that I can do this and that things would be ok.

But then there was the cake.

I know it’s just a cake, just a balloon. It really doesn’t say anything at all about the future, and I know there will be problems and issues and bad days ahead of me. But it nearly brought me to tears to see my balloon and cake on the table I had taken my break at only a few hours ago.

They took the time to think about me. They wanted me to know I was welcomed. I still feel moved to tears when I think about it.

I cried in my car as I left the clinic. Good tears. Painful tears. I wanted to call mom and tell her about my day. I knew she would have been ecstatic about the cake. She would have been thrilled that my day had gone so well and that I already love what I’m doing.

I talked to her in my car. I don’t talk to her often. I write more than I talk, but I talked to her Friday afternoon. I told her about the cake and my day. I told her I knew she was happy for me. I told her I would be ok.

I went to kickboxing that evening. I enjoyed the class though it was one of the more intense ones. The trainers all have different styles. Some focus more on conditioning, others more on technique and reps. The instructor on Friday was a “conditioning” instructor. My core still hurts from that class. It was worth it, though, and I’m glad I went.

Big Bad and I spent the evening together. I loved all of our time together, but what I loved the most was having my head on his chest and hearing his heartbeat while he held me close. It was the first time in almost a month that I’ve fallen asleep next to someone.

Saturday morning we had coffee with bagels. I came home and meal planned. I made my shopping list then showered and headed out. I went to Target and got blackout curtains since I’m having to go to bed when the sun hasn’t fully set. Next was the dojo for my first jiu-jitsu class in what seems like forever.

I didn’t do well with the technique. It was a roll technique, one they had been training all week, but this was my first day with it. I’m ok with that; not being good or proficient with something new. I was glad I was at the dojo at all. Being there meant more to me than doing well. My sparring rounds weren’t all that awesome either, but again, I didn’t mind. I did better than I thought I would, I stuck it out for all of them, and no one made me tap.

Once class was over I finished my shopping by going to the oriental market. The cashiers there are starting to remember me. It’s a warm feeling.

I came home and prepped most of the veggies. I spent time watching Vikings. It’s a show on Amazon Prime. I’m almost done with season three I think.

I went to sleep fairly early. I slept well and deeply.

Today I woke up and felt low. I figured I would. Two days, both of which were fairly intense and productive… I was actually surprised Saturday hasn’t started that way with how sore I was from kickboxing. I could feel the arrhythmia in my pulse and the tiredness that either comes with it or causes it. I’m not sure which is first.

I didn’t want today to be a low day, though. I still wanted to do things and I didn’t want to let the sadness have a chance to take my day from me. I knew that some form of exercise would most likely correct at least the arrhythmia, which hopefully would at least help with the tiredness and being less tired would hopefully, ideally help keep things in perspective and not allow the sadness to overstep its place.

I didn’t want to do anything intense, but an active recovery like yoga sounded good, especially with how sore my body was feeling.

There had been a post in the dojo’s group earlier in the week about an open mat on Sunday. Normally the dojo is closed on Sunday, but the thought of having all that space to do whatever I wanted to sounded amazing. I didn’t think many people would be there either which would make it even better.

After cooking breakfast and enjoying my coffee I showered and figured out a yoga podcast I wanted to try out.

I was pleased that there were only four other people who showed up. All of them I have seen before, two of them I’ve sparred with previously. They did some conditioning work while I did yoga. Eventually, they started to spar and asked if I wanted to join.

I did, for two rounds. It was really nice. I did better than I had on Saturday. I almost got Akib in a choke hold but the bell sounded before I could finish it, so I guess it wasn’t meant to be. Next time. Just like Big Bad, his days are numbered. >:3

Overall I’m glad I went and I’m glad I sparred, too, even though I hadn’t planned on it. I felt much better afterward, my muscles warm and stretched, no longer painfully tight, and my arrhythmia seemed to be gone.

When I left the dojo I made a trip to Publix for a few missed items, but after that, I came back home and continued to cook my meals for the coming week while watching Vikings. I did a load of laundry towards the end along with cleaning out the water bottle graveyard in my car.

And so here I am at the end of it all, writing it all, remembering, processing, accepting.

I like that I have bruises on my arms again. I like them because they’re reminders of my training. Marks where someone tried to hold me, subdue me and wasn’t able to. I was able to break their grip and though I might not have been able to achieve a position of advantage, I wasn’t tapped out or trapped either.

I like how I made it through the weekend without feeling like I was surrounded by chaos or being overwhelmed. I like how even though I felt low I was able to actively work to alter those feelings. I like how sadness didn’t take away my ability to get things done.

There’s a lot of things I liked about this weekend. More than anything I’m glad I went to the dojo and the gym. I’m glad I brought training back into my life after a week of absence and close to a month of inconsistency.

I don’t want to go that long without training again. I don’t like the ache I feel when I think of having to give it up, or not being able to make my schedule work with it.

I need this in my life still. I want this in my life. It’s one of the things that makes it worth it. And so just like I know my new job is the right direction, so too do I know that I need to keep my training close to me. It’s a part of who I am now. It’s in my heart chakra and I refuse to give it up.

It’s part of myself and I’ll keep moving forward whole, complete, without sacrificing the things that make me me.

I’m done meandering through my thoughts for the moment. I’m tired and ready for sleep and another 5 am wake up call in the morning.

So with that, I take my leave.

Daily Post 029: First Day at Home Base

Standard

Tomorrow is my first day at my “home base”. It’s going to be the first time that I meet my direct supervisor. It’s going to be a day of a lot of firsts and though I’m nervous about it, I’m also confident that I’ll do my best and that it will go as well as it’s supposed to.

Today was my second review. I’m still doing extremely well and my trainer is still impressed with how quickly I’m catching on to things and how versatile I am with working on my own but also actively helping my teammates.

One of the company’s core values is Integrity. My trainer designated me as the teammate exemplifying that value.

I like the difference I feel in myself from the start of last week to the end of this week. I’m ahead in the reading. I have all of my flashcards made. I understand most of the P&Ps. I have a better idea of how to search for the information they want us to know. I don’t mind asking questions when I don’t understand something or if I have a theoretical situation inside my head.

Tomorrow I wake up at 3:30 am. I work 5 am until noon.

I have decided next Friday, payday, that I need to invest in a pair of blackout curtains so I am able to sleep when I need to as well as an extremely good pair of shoes since I will be on my feet anywhere from 8 to 16 hours at a time. I’ve had some good recommendations from the nurses on my team. I also get a company discount through specific stores, so maybe it won’t be as rough as I’m expecting.

I get a discount with Verizon so I might stick with them for a bit longer if I can ever get my phone situation resolved.

Today was the first day that I wasn’t exhausted. I actually got a fair amount done after class. I talked to several people through messages. I wrote to my friend who’s in boot camp. I went to the store because I ran out of coffee creamer.

Yeah… try doing 3:30 am without coffee…

I did laundry so my scrubs are nice and fresh. I relaxed and had a good dinner, and now I’m writing. I thought about going to the dojo, but I wouldn’t have gotten home until a few minutes ago. I wouldn’t have had time to unwind.

I miss the dojo and I can feel how my body wants to go back. It’s been a week which feels like eternity. I think this was the better choice, though. Having a cup of tea, one geared towards relaxation and sleep, writing the last of the day away before sleeping and taking yet another step forward… I like the way this feels. It feels right.

I have had several conversations recently about my grief. I keep comparing it to physical rehabilitation. I know I am injured. I know I need to do things in order to heal, but those things, those actions, hurt and so I don’t want to do them.

I want to be ok, but I don’t want to move forward because there’s still a part of me who feels like each step forward is a step further away from mom. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to love her less, and I don’t know why I feel the need to type that because I know moving forward with my life doesn’t have anything to do with my love for her, but I feel those words for some reason.

I don’t want my moving forward to be seen as a sign that I’m ok. That my grief is leaving me. That I don’t hurt as much. That I’m healing. Which I guess that’s sort of counter to everything I’m doing because the whole point IS to heal, isn’t it?

I guess what I really want is for my forward progress to not be mistaken as forgetting. There is no forgetting. Just like with rehabilitation. There will always be the scar, the trauma of the experience. Learning to walk again doesn’t mean you forget that for so long your legs were broken.

Tomorrow is another day where I will ache and hurt and most likely cry and be angry and lost and feel alone.

Today is one year and one month.

13 months in total against 324.

I still count. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop. I don’t know if I want to, to be honest. Every month I count is a month that I’ve survived. It’s a month that I acknowledge. Each month is important and worth noting.

Each step, even if it’s small, deserves to be noted as the accomplishment it is.

There’s a large part of me who doesn’t want to do this tomorrow. I don’t want to get up and meet someone new. I don’t want the weight of reality and knowing that mom will still be dead.

I do want to be the person she raised me to be, though. I want to keep progressing to being able to live on my own. I want to keep learning and helping people and experiencing the amazing things that are in my life, and so even though I know tomorrow will hurt I want to experience it.

Tomorrow night, after everything is complete in my day, I get to see Big Bad.

I’m not sure how I’ll be. I’m worried about that. But I’m not as worried about it as I was with my blacksmith. Big Bad would be ok with just cuddling or playing combat games in silence. Ok… I would most likely be trash talking about kicking his ass the whole time, but still… He wouldn’t mind me being injured.

I don’t think my blacksmith would mind. I know he would understand, and we’ve had several conversations about both of our emotions, but that’s not what last night was supposed to be, and so being allowed to be alone met a lot to me. I didn’t have to go through with a situation that would have left me more injured than before and that means a lot to me.

Maybe I’m not explaining it well, but that’s ok because inside my head I understand. They both fulfill me. My iron linking me to reality and myself, and my warm fur blanket on a winter’s night keeping me safe and secure as snow dusts the earth.

I am looking forward to tomorrow. I’m looking forward to sleeping at the end of it. I’m looking forward to surviving it and noting it as another accomplishment in my long line of accomplishments from last year and into this year.

This is my Year of Stability. Becoming employed and beginning my training was a good first step in that endeavor. Tomorrow is another step. I feel like it will be a big step. But that’s ok. I know I’ll be pushing myself pretty far, but I know I’ll have the weekend to recover from it.

I know I’ll be ok.

Musing Moments 106: A Letter to My Blacksmith

Standard

I was supposed to see my blacksmith tonight.

That one sentence holds so much weight for me that I don’t even know how to being forming thoughts to express how I feel.

We haven’t seen each other since the beginning of December. He’s had to work double shifts due to a hiring freeze at his work. He’s been fighting through burn out. My schedule hasn’t helped matters. It’s a complex situation and so while we’ve wanted to spend time together we haven’t been able to.

Finally, though, tonight, we were supposed to.

And yet we didn’t.

I’ve been tapped out at the end of my days. They’re fun, long, intense. Training is going amazingly well. I’m doing outstanding. My brain is a puddle of goo by the time I get home. I haven’t been sleeping as much as I should, my body still adjusting to 4 am and 5 am mornings. I’m exhausted by 5 pm even though I rarely am able to sleep before 11 pm.

I feel like a slacker because I haven’t gone to the gym or dojo since Friday. Almost a week.

Add to that the therapy session I had this afternoon and all of the chores I still needed to get done before our evening together. The lack of time to decompress from any of it…

We decided to reschedule for another evening where I would be more able to fully enjoy our time together and even though I’m grateful for his understanding I hurt. I’m angry. At myself. Because after four months of waiting for everything to work out I cancel.

It’s confusing, the swirls of emotions. Different colors and sensations dancing around, never staying still.

I wish this didn’t feel like a failing on my part. I wish it wasn’t tainted with thoughts of, “If I was adulting better I wouldn’t be so overwhelmed.”

Those thoughts don’t change the fact that I am, though.

I’m overwhelmed. Mostly with worries.

I’m worried about my training. I’m worried about not sleeping enough and being too tired during the day. I’m worried about falling behind. I’m worried about falling short of the expectations I have for myself, of the expectations my trainers have for me. I’m worried about not living up to the image my classmates and friends have of me.

I’m worried about the building anxiety of returning to the dojo. I’m worried about not being able to afford my membership because of finances. I’m worried about having to sacrifice my goals because I let myself get into the same situation I seem to always find myself in.

I’m worried about mistaking giving up with self-preservation. I’m worried that I need to hold on just a bit longer, believe and have faith for just a few more weeks and then things will be better. I’m worried that my past makes me jaded and that I’m not being fair to Warren.

At the same time, I’m worried he’s taking advantage of me or that our friendship doesn’t mean enough for him to not break it. I’m worried about being able to afford rent in October.

I’m worried about my dynamic with Big Bad overshadowing my dynamic with my blacksmith because I do think that is a very real concern.

I’m worried about a lot of things and I know that worry would have spilled over into tonight if my blacksmith and I had met.

I feel all of these worries, all of these wounds, so intensely right now. I’m grateful for the space and understanding to let me deal with them. I’m angry that I needed it. Disappointed even though I’m trying so hard not to be.

Maybe it’s all because I am tired. Maybe sleep will help. Maybe another weekend, one of solitude, will help. Time. Space. Decompression.

I have plans to fix the dojo/gym issue. I have options to explore with the financial issues. All I need is more time in regards to my training to allow my nerves to ease and settle.

But none of that could have happened tonight. Tonight I’m still a stressed mess and I ache because of it.

I’m not failing. I’m not disappointing anyone other than myself and I know that. It’s a sharp, cold pain, though. Icey. Isolating. An ache in my chest, a thin sliver through my heart chakra.

I know I already apologized and expressed my gratitude but I need to pour all of it out on this page, bleed all of it into my keyboard the way I couldn’t do through our text messages.

I’m sorry.

I know you don’t want me to be. I know you said you didn’t mind, but I’m sorry. This wasn’t how I wanted the night to go. I don’t mean to keep us apart for longer. I’m sorry my training started when it did and that the effort of keeping everything together feels like a lot.

I’m sorry I still miss my mom and that I hurt due to my grief.

I’m sorry that normal days still feel heavy and that some mornings I still wake up and wonder what the point of all of it is. I’m sorry that sometimes I’m tired from surviving.

I know you love me and I know I’ll find you through every life and I know this moment in time is temporary. I know it’s not my place to feel ashamed, and yet, the only thing I can feel is sorrow for having in some way failed you.

I will work through these feelings. I will address the worries I have and resolve them. I won’t let them stand in the way of our time together again.

I promise.

Daily Post 028: Ready for Monday

Standard

This is going to be quick because it’s already 10:20 and I have to be awake at 5 am for work.

This weekend was really nice.

Saturday changed a bit. I didn’t sleep well Friday night, so I woke up tired and sore from kickboxing. I called Jon and asked if we could change out kayaking for going for a walk instead. He said that was fine. Since there wasn’t a time frame anymore I did my grocery shopping before heading to Daytona.

We went for a three-mile walk where I got sunburnt complete with raccoon eyes from my sunglasses. We talked a lot about mom while we were walking. I’m grateful that I have him to talk to. I like how we both are able to talk about her and not feel bad about doing it. We don’t feel guilty or like we’re making the other person feel bad by talking about death. It’s comforting to be able to talk freely it someone about it.

We worked on his essay once we got back to his apartment. I feel like it’s a billion times better than what it was.

I came home around 6ish but didn’t do a whole lot. I was still super tired from the lack of sleep and being sunburnt didn’t help anything.

I slept off and on last night which was sort of frustrating.

I woke up at 6 am this morning despite the restless sleep and went running with Big Bad. That was a lot of fun. We got to spend about an hour sitting together outside talking. There’s a really big oak tree near the trail we go to. We sat under it, me leaning against him, my head on his chest, his arms wrapped around me as we talked.

It was everything I was hoping for and needed. It was that connection that has felt missing. We both thoroughly enjoyed our time together and have plans to see each other again Friday evening.

We mentioned how it might be harder in the future for our schedules to line up with both of us working and being busy, but we agreed we would make it work one way or another. It’s reassuring that we’ve broached this topic because it’s something I’ve been thinking about since I accepted the position.

After we parted ways I came home and began cooking my meals for the coming week. I actually got all of it done before heading out to have lunch with Nicole. It was nice to catch up with her.

The subject of Warren came up so I talked about that. I have an idea of how I want to handle the situation, but for now, I’ll leave it at that rather than going into details. I want to have a conversation with him first and from there we’ll see how things go.

I played StarCraft II with Jason and Jon for a little bit today. We got completely thrashed by the AI in our first two matches. It was incredibly sad. The third match was pretty awesome though, so at least we ended on a good note.

I’ve finished up doing laundry. I’ve written a letter to Nasse. I’ve made flashcards for most of chapter two…

Yeah… pretty productive day. I’m happy with it.

Now it’s off to bed for me.

Oh! Before I forget. My direct deposit worked so I got paid on Friday. Woohoo. Now if only I could get my roommate to pay rent…

Alright. Nite nite.

Daily Post 027: First Day Off

Standard

Today was successful.

I didn’t have training since my class is ahead of the curriculum. It was nice to sleep in. My first day off from work. I thought about getting up to go to kickboxing at 6am. I slept instead.

I woke up and had breakfast around 10. Enjoyed my cup of coffee outside in the sun. Eventually, I showered and went to kickboxing at noon.

It was a good class. Small. My favorite instructor was there. I feel bad because I haven’t seen him in a while. I guess he does the morning and afternoon classes. Lately, I’ve only been going to the evening classes when I go to the gym instead of the dojo. It’s how my schedule has been working out.

I stayed for the whole class, doing the core section and the cool down. I was skipping those for a while, but no longer.

I surprised myself with some of the things I was able to do in the core work. It’s pretty cool to remember where I started at almost two years ago. I remember I couldn’t run more than 15 seconds before I was gasping and out of breath. Still can’t run a solid mile, but I can do over five minutes solid. More if I pushed myself I’m sure.

Now that I think about it, I haven’t run in a while. Since February-ish. Maybe I’ll go for a run next weekend since this weekend is already booked full.

Anywho, after working out I went to my sports bar for lunch. It was great being able to sit at my table again, another thing I haven’t done in a while. I had my normal half salad then got to work making flash cards. I made it through all of chapter one and all of the abbreviations for chapter two in the course book used for my CHT certification.

There’s a metric fuck ton of information I’m going to have to remember. And here I thought EKG and phlebotomy had a lot of information… those classes seem like child’s play now.

I’m looking forward to this challenge, though. I still have all of chapter two itself to work through as far as the flash card endeavor goes, but I plan to tackle that as the weekend progresses.

I spent about three hours at my sports bar studying. It was a good feeling.

Once my brain started feeling mushy I headed back home. I was able to stop by the post office along the way and finally mail my letters to Nasse. He’s in boot camp right now for the Navy. Not sure if I mentioned that. I’ve gotten three letters from him. Mailed two to him today, wrote another tonight that I’ll send out tomorrow.

Mom always wrote daily to Jason and Jon while they were in boot camp. I did, too. I remember sending Jon little inspirational messages along with my letters to help him get through his days. I’m going to start doing that with Nasse’s letters. I’m hoping the Universe works out that I can be at his graduation. I think I’ll still be in training though and unable to be there for him.

When we talked the night before he left he said he understood if I couldn’t be there and that we would have to get together another time if that was the case. He’s one of the few people from high school I still talk to. One of the few people I miss.

I cleaned a lot when I got home. The stairs were getting fuzzy. They have been for a while. It’s one of those things that I knew I had to do since Warren wouldn’t, but I kept putting it off because what’s the point? He’s not going to notice. He doesn’t care about the apartment being clean. So why should I care? Why should I be the only one to give a fuck?

I’m tired of the apartment being gross, though. I’m tired of my environment sucking. So I cleaned it. I swept and mopped. I vacuumed my room and the living room. I hardcore cleaned my bathroom. I wiped down my computer stuff. I gathered up all of the trash. I went through my “in” box. I restructured some things on my bookcase.

I eventually showered.

I did a few computer tasks. I meal planned and got my grocery list together. I sent a text to my dad to see if he wanted to chat sometime this weekend.

I feel like I’ve done a lot today and while I do feel tired, I don’t feel soul-crushingly drained. I feel good. I feel more solid than I have in a while.

Tomorrow I’m going to try to be up at 6am. There’s boxing at 9am I want to do, followed by driving up to Daytona to go kayaking with Jon again. We might work on his essay a bit while I’m up there. I don’t know why but he’s having a hard time keeping his writing focused on his topic and it’s making editing his paper hard. I think being in person will help the process.

I want to do the grocery shopping before getting home from my visit so that’s done and out of the way. Maybe even prep the veggies and stuff so they’re all ready to go when I get around to cooking. Saturday night Jon and I are supposed to have game time with Jason.

I realized earlier this week while Jon and I were talking on the phone that the three of us haven’t spent much time together in a while. We’re slacking in the “family time” department, so I roped all of us into some bonding time over saving the world from aliens. I’m looking forward to chatting with both of them.

Sunday morning I have plans to see Big Bad. His messages this morning made me smile. He said his elbow was feeling better and that he’s looking forward to wrestling with me soon. I said that I miss our wrestling and kicking his ass at Mortal Kombat. He told me to keep talking my shit. It will only make my beatings that much more severe. XD

I don’t know why but I’ve felt sort of disconnected from Big Bad lately. I think there are several factors for the disconnection. I’ve been busier lately. I’ve had a ton of things going on so I can feel the lack of recharge which I would theoretically be getting if I were spending as much time with him as I had in the beginning of March. We don’t have our workouts on Tuesday and Friday mornings anymore. We don’t have our cups of coffee. The past two times I’ve spent time with him were short and mainly revolved around sex. Which don’t get me wrong, it was amazing, but I feel the lack of affectionate connection which makes me feel alone.

I want the wrestling and smack talking while we thrash each other in video games. I want to hear about his day. I want our fingertips to play over each other’s hands while we cuddle in bed and talk.

His messages this morning reassured me that things are still ok. We’re still us. It made me smile and I think it helped  set the tone for the day. I’m looking forward to our time together even though it’s going to be another short encounter.

Sunday afternoon I have a lunch date with Nicole, yet another person I haven’t seen in much too long, and another social obligation I’m actually looking forward to. After lunch with her, it’s back home to do laundry and finishing my prep work for the coming week.

I like that this weekend is busy but relaxing. It’s all one-on-one things and they’re spaced out far enough that I can still get the things I need to do done in between, so my interactions are like mini rewards for adulting.

I’m glad with how today worked out. I’m glad that it was a day off even though getting paid would have been nice. I think this was actually better than getting paid. It was a “Me” day and I haven’t had one of those in a while.

Much deserved. Thoroughly enjoyed.

Now it’s off to sleep for me so I can be rested for another relaxingly busy day.