Daily Post 041: Not Much To Report

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As the title says, there’s not much to report today, which is good because it’s already 9 pm.

I slept most of today. Normally I would feel like a slacker for that, but surprisingly I’m ok with it. All my meal prep was done. I did laundry so I have clean clothes for the remainder of the week. Nothing else really “needed” to be done, so instead, I caught up on resting.

I did go to spin class today. The Shefit bras are still living up to my expectations. I could tell my body was tired from kickboxing because I was putting more weight on the handlebars of the bike. I’m glad I stayed for the whole class, and I feel like I did well. I guess this is more of an awareness that I am only a human who does need time to recover.

I met a woman in the locker room who commented on my purple hair. It led to a really awesome conversation and left me feeling connected with the world. Hopefully, we see each other again at some point.

L created a “workout” calendar for me. Too bad I don’t know what my work schedule is so I can’t promise to actually adhere to that particular calendar. I already have an idea of what I want to do anyway, so I’m most likely an annoying client in some regards. I appreciated her taking the time to create something for me. It gives us a starting point that can always be modified as needed.

She’s going out of town for a few weeks which is another reason she wanted me to have the calendar. L created a couple of workouts she wants me to do while she’s away. I think I’m going to swap some of the excersies out for tire flipping and box jumping. Those are fun and things I am comfortable doing on my own.

Tomorrow is an early day. I’m not going to start off at the gym. I’m going to try to sleep more and go straight to work instead. Depending on how I feel afterward I might go to the gym to row, maybe run. Sitting in the sauna would be nice. I do think it will need to be a lighter day, especially if work is intense. Well, really, regardless of what work is like. I’ve done three intense days in a row and I have plans for kayaking Saturday and a body conditioning class with my brother on Sunday. I  need a break or  I won’t be able to survive the weekend.

My blacksmith and I have tentative plans to see each other tomorrow night. I hope it works out. We had to cancel our plans Wednesday night. I guess his work is being annoying.

I still don’t know my schedule for next week. That’s a bit frustrating. With luck they will let me know tomorrow otherwise I won’t know when to come in…

I still need to ask to have Saturday off. I know that will put me short a few hours but I would rather be short and go kayaking with Big Bad before starting my first official week out of training.

Other than that, I figured out the issue with the gym payment. Since Warren and I are on the same account they were billing him for both his membership and my membership. When I checked in before the spin class I added my card to the account so there shouldn’t be further issues. I also spent about an hour talking to a friend / former student. That’s the main reason for being a bit behind tonight, but I had that phone call scheduled for about a week, so really I did it to myself.

Anyway, since that’s all the excitement of today I’m going to finish my tea and shower so I can try to get about 5ish hours of sleep.

Daily Post 038: These Seem To Be Turning Into Weekly Posts…

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I guess now’s a good a time as any to write. It’s almost 10 pm. I “should” have been asleep a few hours ago since I wake up at 3 am for work, but eh… I’ll be ok. I would rather do this. It’s better to do it rather than toss and turn in bed all night thinking about writing.

I don’t remember the last thing I wrote about, to be honest. I suppose I could go back and read my last post. I’m pretty sure I mentioned the concert with Big Bad. I don’t think I talked much about it. That was the last time I’ve seen him. Conflicting schedules suck.

The concert was a lot of fun. I think we both needed the break from reality. I drove there, roughly two hours, through what seemed like never ending rain. Big Bad drove back which was unbelievably nice. I tend to get headaches when I have to drive at night. Instead, I got to rest and actually slept part of the way back.

So I’m going on two weeks of not seeing him. During those two weeks, his mom was hospitalized. I don’t know much as far as details go. I know she was discharged so everything must be relatively ok. I know Big Bad is worried about her living alone. I’m not sure if that’s going to change in the near future or not. I’m sure it’s something we’ll talk about when we see each other again, which thankfully should be soon.

I am scheduled off on Tuesday so we have plans to spend Monday evening together. Our schedules finally line up to have a weekend off together so we may try to make plans for Friday night / Saturday. I’m not sure yet, but it would be unbelievably nice to see him twice in one week again.

It’s something I talked about in therapy today. I finally scheduled another session. It’s been close to two months. I mentioned during the session how I probably should have scheduled one sooner with how I’ve been feeling lately. It was nice to have a session where I felt ok for once though, rather than an emotional ball of sadness and grief.

I mentioned my sickness and my trip to the ER and how it was hard being there. How it reminded me of the surgery floor and waiting with mom for her to be taken back. I talked about how I had to have a CT scan done and how I finally knew what it felt like for mom to be in the room by herself inside of the machine and to have to wait for test results. I know what it’s like to be a patient and to be pushed around in a bed and wheelchair.

It sucked having to go through those emotions, but in a way, I’m glad I did.

My therapist mentioned at the end that she can tell there’s been a lot of growth within me during these past two months of my training. She asked if I understood that my grief and the sadness will continue to come in waves. I said I did, but this was the first time where it seemed to stay. It wasn’t as fierce as before, but it seemed to last longer. Like a calm sea that stretched on for forever. Nothing was really wrong, but there wasn’t an end. No change. No reprieve. Just this constant sadness and apathy that made everything feel pointless.

I explained how it was comforting to be out of it because it showed me that even if that state, those feelings, last for a while, they will eventually change. I’ll go back to being ok even though I’m not really “un-ok” when I’m sad. It’s just a different state and I guess a natural one I’ll have to swing through from time to time now that mom’s gone.

I don’t really know what else to write about.

I’ve been feeling better recently. Monday was more mind-numbing power point slides. I survived. That was the last day as far as lecture material goes. Woohoo.

Tuesday was a fantastic day. I had three patients on my own. I initiated and terminated their treatments by myself AND handled all of the documentation within the timeframe I was given. Go me. Totally improved by leaps and bounds compared to last week where I was able to do the treatments but couldn’t keep up with the documentation.

Theoretically, if I had a fourth patient, like what I’ll have once I’m on my own, I would have been able to handle it with the time I had. That’s reassuring. It means even though I’m still a little nervous and could be doing better in the confidence department, that I really am doing well and that I really do “got this”.

I was supposed to work Wednesday but opted to trade days so I’ve had Wednesday and Thursday, today, off. It’s been a glorious two days. I think I needed these days. I needed the time to step back and breathe and exist without obligations for a little while.

I did absolutely nothing on Wednesday and yes, it was as amazing as it sounds. I woke up at six, didn’t get out of bed until 10. Had some coffee. Napped on the couch. Took a shower. Napped again. Ended up getting dinner with Nicole, Marc, and Des. Came back home. Went to sleep.

Absolutely perfect.

I most likely needed all of the sleep since I’m still pushing pretty hard in the gym department. Add to the fact that every day I work is now a cardio day with how much I move around. It was nice to have two days off in a row so I could take one day to be a complete and total “rest” day.

Today has been productive. I got all of my book work done. Once again it was off the clock, but I’m ok with it. I would rather be on the floor with patients while I’m at work rather than sitting in front of a computer. It didn’t take as long as I thought it would. Roughly two hours for the online training and book work. I went and got a pair of nursing shoes finally. It’s been on my to-do list for a while. I got a pair of scrubs while I was at the store since mine still haven’t come in yet. I’ve decided that these will be my Saturday scrubs.

I would say it’s a secret, but since I’m putting it out there for the whole of anyone to read I guess it’s not all that secret… There’s a pretty big push to wear the companies scrubs, but since no one from administration is around on the weekends I’m going to wear the scrubs I just dropped $60 on. They’re super amazingly comfortable. They’re essentially workout clothes. Stretchy, comfy, moves with you, breathable material. I love them and I haven’t even worked in them yet. Totally can’t wait for Saturday. I want to try them out so bad.

Same with the shoes. I haven’t worked in them yet, but from walking around the store I’m pretty sure I’ll like them more than my sneakers. I felt like my heels had more support. I also got better, more cushioned socks. We’ll see if there’s a marked difference tomorrow. I think there will be.

I’m also thinking about wearing my Fitbit to work so I can see just how intense my days are. Do I get to count how much I walk in a day as a workout? Is that cheating? I feel like it should count so I can’t be called a slacker when I’m tired and don’t want to go to the gym or train.

I’m supposed to have lunch with Jon on Sunday. Afterward we’re going to go kayaking again. I’m looking forward to it. I think getting some sun and having some family time will be a nice way to rest up from the next two work days and to destress before my test on Monday.

Which, by the way, I have my certification test on Monday. The rest of next week is my final week of training, and then I’m off on my own, a certified PCT for DaVita.

The thought of my training ending doesn’t terrify me as much as it did three weeks ago. Especially after how well I handled Tuesday, I feel like over the next five-ish work days that I’ll get a good feel for my own flow. I know I won’t be the best PCT on the floor, but I’ll be competent enough to not drown, and I know my teammates will help me when I need it.

So yeah, one more week and then I get a dollar increase.

I talked about the schedule with my supervisor and asked how it would be handled. He couldn’t promise me a super consistent schedule but he did say if there was a particular day I wanted off that he could try to work with that. After talking to Big Bad we’re going to see if I can have Tuesdays off. That would allow us to have Monday evening together since I wouldn’t have to wake up at 2 or 3 am to get to work.

I was nervous about bringing the subject up with him. I didn’t want it to feel like I was forcing him to give up his Monday evening. I know it’s really sucked for both of us, though, not having a set day where we know we’ll be able to see each other. It was reassuring to hear his support for requesting Tuesday as my off day. I guess I’m still sort of insecure and vulnerable feeling when it comes to the emotional stuff. It’s nice to have the reassurance that it’s not all one-sided nonsense inside of my head.

I haven’t seen my blacksmith since the 8th but I know he and I are still ok. He had family matters which kept him from coming over last week, and this week I’ve needed the alone time to regroup.

I think that’s about it.

Been killing it at the gym even though it doesn’t feel like it. I did a spin class today which has my inner thighs hating on me. I did way more “climbing” than I’ve ever done though, even in the spin classes I was taking at the YMCA. These classes feel way more intense. The first one I went to was last Thursday. Totally kicked my ass and my feet, but that’s because I wore my Vibrams. Not the best shoes for those classes. The peddles on those bikes are sort of weird on top of that. Just not a good combination in my book.

I wore my sneakers this time ’round and it went way better. We’ll see how I keep doing I suppose. It’s hard to find consistent classes to go to with my wonderfully inconsistent schedule, which is why it feels like I’ve done “nothing”.

I’m glad I have my calendar to tell me that, no, actually, I really do need a rest day or I’ll regret it.

Tomorrow is kickboxing. Saturday is yoga. Sunday is kayaking. Monday is conditioning at the gym. Tuesday will most likely be a rest day with meal planning, grocery shopping, and cooking. Maybe laundry. Most likely sweeping because dog fur sucks. We can throw in vacuuming, too, because dog fur doesn’t stay on just the tile. Blarg.

It should be a pretty decent day, though. And it should start off fantastically. A nice warm cup of coffee with Big Bad.

I’m very much looking forward to it despite all of the adulting I’ll need to get done. It’s my light at the end of the tunnel.

Maybe that’s helped with the sadness and apathy lifting. I know I’ve made it through the hardest part. A lot of the people in my life have made it through the hard parts. Warren started his new job this week. Big Bad applied for a new position and may be switching to something he’s more interested in. My blacksmith is no longer having to work doubles every day because his company was able to hire more people.

It’s a good feeling. A stable feeling. I’m glad I’m feeling it rather than the coldness, the aloneness, that I was.

I’ll try to be better about writing.

Thanks for being patient with me.

Daily Post 023: How to Mess Up a Drug Test

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I was going to write tonight, but I’m going to do it now instead. Before my bike ride. That way I can think over everything and process more clearly while enjoying the fantastic day.

So, yesterday…

Yesterday was decent. Productive-ish, though mildly annoying followed by this morning, which was really freaking annoying, which is why I need to do this now.

I started the day by taking the shirt back to Target. That was actually the easiest thing about my day. I simply exchange the shirt. I didn’t get additional ones. No muss. No fuss. Pretty much an in and out trip.

From there I went to FHCA to find out about my PCT program and my CPR certification because I STILL haven’t gotten that information yet. I was told three weeks-ish. Well… we’re at like, six or something. This is stupid. I’ve asked multiple times about this. I’ve been checking my spam folder. Just give me my freaking certification.

In the school’s defense, they’re not the ones issuing the license. We’re having to wait on the other company to process and release the information. Still… it’s frustrating.

Anywho…

Yeah. Went there to find out about those two things. The front desk associate is always super nice and knows me by name. She said most likely the company thought I took the CPR certification in conjunction with my PCT course and was holding the certification until my “graduation” date.

Well… since I didn’t take the class in conjunction with the PCT course I want my license now. Please.

She said she would reach out to the company for me.

I also informed her about my recent job offer and how due to being employed I wouldn’t be able to finish the PCT course. I asked if there was a way to change my contract to being just the EKG and phlebotomy classes.

She said based on the contract, since it was past the 40% mark that normally, no, we wouldn’t be able to change it. However, given the circumstances, she would ask her boss and get back to me about it.

I left with no more information than when I had originally gotten there, but I felt good that I had at least addressed the issues and would eventually, at some point, have more information to work with.

From there I went to kickboxing. I did really well. I stayed for the whole thing. I know I’ve talked about going there recently, but I guess I should say that I don’t normally stay for the whole class. I do the warm up and the boxing/kickboxing portion, but when we get to the last 15 minutes of core work and cool down I peace out. I’ll either shower because I need to be somewhere, or I go to the dojo later and want to not be 100% dead, or it’s a “light” day and I’m happy with the effort that I put in.

Yesterday I did the full hour, start to finish. Woo. Go me. That’s only because it’s randori at the dojo on Friday’s and so kickboxing was my only workout so it was all or nothing.

After showering at the gym I went and did my drug test. Filled out all the paperwork. I didn’t think it was possible to ask someone for their birthday that many times, but apparently it is.

I got called back. The guy was super nice. He explained everything to me and didn’t make it seem weird that I was going to basically be peeing into a cup for him. Medical stuff is so messed up when taken out of context…

Anyway, I messed up the drug test initially.

And I’m starting it off that way intentionally because I know the first thought is, “How did you mess up peeing into a cup?”

Well, from 25ish years of training, I flushed the toilet once I was done. And I say 25 instead of 28 because I’m sure the first few years of my life I didn’t have the ability to flush and/or use a toilet properly.

So yeah… when you do a drug test you can’t flush the toilet because they have to ensure you didn’t tamper with anything. And I did because I totally don’t remember him saying not to do that.

So even though it was the perfect sized specimen and everything, we couldn’t use it.

When asked if I could give another specimen, I also love how medical terms make things like peeing into a cup sound so scientific and important, I was like… but I just went… I highly doubt it.

I tried. It was Quantity Not Sufficient.

The guy had to call and inform HR that I had “Shy Bladder” and that the specimen was Quantity Not Sufficient. I had to stay for an extra two hours to give another specimen during which time I wasn’t allowed to do anything other than sit and stare at a clock which was still an hour behind from daylight saves.

Fun times…

Eventually, the process was successful. Hooray. I was finally allowed to leave and get food, something I hadn’t done after the gym because I figured the drug test would be quick and painless.

Worst idea ever. I was so hungry by the time I left I seriously wanted to chew on my steering wheel just so I could try to trick my stomach into thinking I was eating.

I went to Moe’s and got nachos. I figured it’s what mom and I would have done. She would have found it funny that I fucked up a drug test by being “too clean”.

I didn’t have much left to give when I got home even though it was pretty early. Like six-ish. I sleep for most of the night, waking up around 9 this morning since my phone died during the night and couldn’t wake me up at 7. I’m actually not all that heartbroken over it.

Which brings us to the annoyances of today.

It started with it being Saturday, the day after Friday, Warren’s pay day, and having no information about when to expect the $300 for rent. Since he’s still asleep right now there’s not much I can do about that point.

I had found out on Thursday about the issue with my phone still having $250 owed on it. I fired up the Verizon online chat because technology is amazing and totally supports my introversion. That took roughly an hour, during which time I was the one who found most of the information required through previous emails and Verizon bill statements, not the representative.

In the end, I was told I would need to call the Trade-In department on Monday to have the issue resolved. Was that an acceptable resolution?

Irrational Right Brain: Um… no. Not really. Because Monday I’m going to call and have to explain all of this all over again and I really just want you guys to figure out what got screwed up and fix it because this is some serious BS.

What I did say was that I was worried there would be more issues when I called on Monday.

He said that he had made all of the notations on my account documenting the issue so when I called the issue should be easily resolved. I guess the only way to find out will be to call on Monday. I already have an event on my calendar to do it after class so I can’t procrastinate on it. I have to do it. Google told me to.

After that issue got “resolved” I looked into my CNA test. I got that email at 7:18 pm last night. My test date is next Friday. I will not be ready for my test. Not with phlebotomy having a test that Thursday. Not with how I’ve been studying and taking the EKG class. I was told after fingerprints cleared I would have 30 to 90 days. I would be given a test date within that time frame. Not a week after their clearance.

I’m not confident in my ability to pass the written test, and I know, right now, I would fail hardcore if I got certain procedures. I haven’t made CNA a priority because it was in the future.

I can reschedule the test. That’s not a problem. If I do it before 5 business days there’s a $30 charge. Anything less than 5 days I have to pay the full $150.

I would like to reiterate how I got the email at 7:18 pm Friday. You know… after business hours, and how my test is for the following Friday. If they don’t count Monday as one of my business days then I have four days to reschedule my test.

Irrational Right Brain: Motherfucker, I am not paying the full fee.

I tried calling. It’s Saturday so their call center is closed. They have online chat available from 11 am to 3 pm. It’s 1:05. It’s still “unavailable”. I’ve tried going through all of the steps listed on the website but it takes me to a page which says nothing about rescheduling or canceling. Only about finding information for testing centers and study information.

I sent an email explaining my situation, how I wanted my email to count as my initial contact with the company in regards to my situation, and that I would call Monday for further clarification on the issues. I also said I appreciated their assistance and understanding.

So yeah…

Those are the four areas of my life I’m still trying to get figured out.

Rent payment
PCT program
Verizon bill
CNA testing

And all of those I have to wait on…

Arrawrrawrrawarrawr.

I’m not good at waiting. >.<;

Why can’t I just have the information I need to move forward with stuff? Why can’t things just get figured out? Or work how they’re supposed to?

I feel like thunking my head down onto my desk right now in frustration because it seems like any time I go to tackle a problem Life goes, “Hahaha, JK! LOLOL!”

It’s one of those moments where I want to go, “Fuck it. Life’s complicated. Time to be a dragon.”

Well, I’m already a dragon. I’m an earth dragon because the Chinese zodiac is awesome like that. So I guess the next best thing I can do is do laundry so I have a clean towel for once I’m done showering and go for a bike ride to finally enjoy a day in the sun.

I’ve done a lot of adulting today. I was going to say failed adulting, but I didn’t fail. Other people are slackers. I did my part. Now I have to wait for them to pick up the ball.

I have my list of things to do. Mostly cleaning stuff. But I’ve already done well today.

It’s the first. April 1st, 2017. Three more days until mom’s death day.

This past year was my Year of Survival.

I’ve been trying to figure out what I want this coming year to be. I’ve been meditating on it because I know it’s not something I can ask other people or find in a Google search. This has to come purely from me.

Survival was my most important task for last year. I’ve done that. I’ve done that really well and I believe that with every fiber of my being.

So if that’s taken care of, what’s my next most important task? What’s the most important thing to me right now?

I didn’t have an answer, but now I think I do.

This coming year will be my Year of Stability.

It’s going to be the year I focus on clearing out my debt, establishing myself in my new career, and solidifying myself at the dojo.

This will be my year of ensuring the foundation I have started making for myself settles properly.

I like the way it feels inside my head. It feels right.

I want to meditate further on it to make sure there isn’t another area I want to add to it. I know relationships are important to me, but I feel those are sort of like the flower bushes in front of a house. They’re pretty and they can be super important, but they’re not the foundation everything is built on. You can have pretty flowers and have a foundation that’s cracked and broken and unsafe.

I want my foundation, I want ME, to be solid and stable. I’ve survived. I’ve lived through almost all of the first year without mom. Three more days to go. I feel like I’ve done well. I feel like I’ve gone from being KOed to sitting, conscious, aware, still on the ground, still hurt and bruised from my hit, but I’m “with it”.

Now it’s time to start trying to stand up.

That’s what this coming year is going to be. My goal at the end of it will be living on my own.

In one year, next April 4th, I want my own place. A house. With a yard. With a garage or an extra room to be my makeshift dojo.

I don’t have to own it. I could be renting. But the big thing will be that it’s a house and that I don’t have a roommate. It will be me, mine, my space and no one else’s.

And with those frustrations purged, and those goals acknowledged, I’m going to go enjoy my day.

Daily Post 004: Learning How to Girl and Deflecting with Humor

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Today has been a day. And it’s not over yet. It’s only 6 pm. There’s still tons of “day” left. Right now I’m tired, heavy, which is annoying for how well the rest of the day has gone.

I stayed with Big Bad last night. Trust me. It’s not as sexy as it sounds. Mostly due to my body hating me. I still feel awkward when I have to say things like, “By the way, we can’t have sexy time because I’m on my cycle.”

Maybe that’s because most guys seem to have issues with healthy, functioning females. I can’t really blame them, though. I mean… come on… from a survival standpoint, would you trust something that could bleed for seven days and not die?

All joking aside I didn’t want to send a text message admitting that yeah… I’m actually still a girl and even on birth control I still have that one week where I’m out of commission for fun time every so often. He’s been ok with me coming over in the past. Actually, Big Bad makes me feel normal and unjudged and accepted. Even without the sex we still hang out and have fun playing video games or cuddling, or whatever it is we do to enjoy our time together.

I don’t know why I still get nervous about it, but I do. I was less anxious last night than the first time I had to bring up the subject, so maybe I’ll eventually get to the point where it’s a non-issue, but last night was not that night.

Me: Can we still spend time together?
Big Bad: I suppose.

In my heart of hearts, I knew it was a joke. In my head I could hear the playful tone he would have used had we been talking face to face. I know in the eight-ish months we’ve been together he has yet to do anything to even hint at being mean, rude, or malicious towards me. I feel like he goes out of his way to make sure emotionally I feel cared for and safe.

Irrational Right Brain: He hates you. You’re an awful person for going through something you have legitimately no control over. Feel shameful and as if you are unworthy!

Fuck you, Brain. Like, for real, can you not for once just chill the fuck out?

I was silent for a while, though from a technical standpoint text messages are always silent… I didn’t know how to reply. I couldn’t think of something cute and witty. I was hurt even though I knew it was silly to feel that way. I knew my reaction was a result of past sensitivities, but knowing all of that didn’t make the emotions go away.

As I sat thinking about how to respond Big Bad sent another message.

Big Bad: I didn’t give you permission to have your period. I’m really going to have to beat your ass now.

And instantly things were ok again. It was a silly, playful, outrageous comment that had me laughing out loud because it was so ridiculous.

Me: If I could kick my own ass I would. Stupid body being a cock block.

So, I still went over to his house. We still wrestled. He still kicked my ass and choked me out with my own arm because he’s lame. We talked. We cuddled. It was actually the first time I’ve showered at his place.

When we woke up this morning we did a strength training workout video. Body Beast I think it what it was called. We both had a lot of fun with it. While we were having our coffee we actually talked about scheduling morning strength workouts. So Tuesday and Friday mornings are our strength days since he always has those mornings free.

We talked about how it would be nice to stretch afterward, which brought up my yogadownload.com membership. I’m supposed to look into flows I think would be good to do after our workout as a way to cool down and stretch out our muscles.

Overall it was awesome and a fantastic way to end the evening / start the morning.

When I got home I changed then hopped on my bike. I went to the gym and ran. Shaved a few more seconds off my time. Woohoo.

It was the first run in my new compression pants, which the shopping adventure of yesterday is a whole story in and of itself.

I had originally gone to Target at the suggestion of the Internet, but I didn’t see anything I really liked. Not enough to spend money on anyway. I tried going to Dick’s Sporting Goods, but they’re crazy expensive and I didn’t feel like spending that much money on something when I wasn’t really supposed to be spending money in the first place.

I was on my way to test my luck at Walmart when I realized I was hungry, which sucked because I was out and about with no food on me. I stopped at Arby’s for lunch and while I was there I realized I was in front of a Ross.

What the heck? Might as well check it out, right? Since I’m here and everything.

Well… best idea ever. I found a style of compression pants that I super liked and instead of paying $48 for them I only had to pay $13.

Cue shopping adventure where I go to four different Ross stores trying to find more pairs. So now I have six in total. Enough to get me through the week with a rest day.

I was super pleased that instead of the XL I thought I would need I was down to an L. That’s right, who’s a sexy badass? Me, while I’m standing alone in a changing room and not in front of a whole bunch of people because introverts would rather hide under rocks than be the center of attention. At least this introvert would rather hide under rocks. But yeah, sexy badass when alone or typing to the Internet. /flex

And thrifty.

Did I mention thrifty?

Sexy, thrifty badass.

I also happened to stop at a Lane Bryant yesterday. I wasn’t finding anything good in the way of sports bras. I figured I could get sized to see what I actually should be wearing and see if they had anything that would work since they have an athletic section.

That was an eye-opening experience. I guess I’ve lost two inches and have either gone up two cup sizes, or I’ve been in the wrong size for the past… four-ish years? Not sure. A long time, though.

I originally got two sports bras while I was at the store but later that night I was thinking about the size discrepancy of what I should be in versus what I’m currently wearing. I decided the workout tops I have are still fine so it would be a better investment to return the sports bras and get a set of regular everyday bras instead.

So, that’s what I did after biking back home from my run. I showered then headed out to return my purchase.

The sales associate I talked to today was super kind and actually explained all of the different styles and helped me expand on my girl knowledge. I really feel like all of the things she told me today were things I should have learned in high school or even middle shool as simply, “This is how you human,” information. I mean… maybe my mom “should” have told me. And maybe way back in the day she did and I just don’t remember it, but honestly, all of it was useful information that actually impacted my life in a positive way.

So currently I have what basically feels like heaven woven into fabric wrapped around my chest. Not even exaggerating.

With the shopping adventure finally at its two-day conclusion I decided to go to my sports bar for lunch. I had thought I would work while I was there, but that didn’t go according to plan. The inauguration speech was taking place. I sat and listened.

I didn’t like either candidate and I don’t have a problem admitting that. I do hope that Trump does well and that he makes smart choices because regardless of how I feel about him, he’s leading the country now. By wanting him to do poorly, or wishing him ill, I’m wishing the country ill and I don’t want that. I do want changes to be made. I’m just hoping they’re the “right” changes for the right reasons.

I was able to meal plan a bit, but the volume was so loud for the speech that I wasn’t really able to focus on anything else, like the design work I had been hoping to do. I was pretty tired anyway, so instead, I paid for my lunch then went home. I had scheduled a vet visit for Scarlet for 5 pm before I had gone out. With so much time before the appointment, I decided to nap.

I woke up feeling pretty good. I puttered around for a little bit then put Scarlet in her carrier and went to the vet.

It was hard being there. I didn’t want to be there. Scarlet didn’t want to be there. Being there is admitting there’s a problem and I don’t want there to be a problem. I want her to be healthy, and happy, and to always be there even though I know that’s now how life works.

I had the same vet I had the last time I took her to be seen. I’m glad I had her. We talked about how Scarlet’s walking as worsened. We talked about a few other behavioral things I’ve noticed.

We’re having lab work done. It won’t be in until tomorrow.

We talked about the quality of life and what the best option would be depending on what the labs show. I know one of the possible outcomes may be that she’s suffering and that ending her suffering would be humane and merciful rather than prolonging her pain simply because I’m too selfish to say goodbye.

I wish I could ask Scarlet what she wants. She’s essentially a 90-year-old human. She’s my little old lady. All I can do is observe how it seems like she can barely walk. How she doesn’t move unless she has to. How she seems to have issues with the litter box now.

It breaks my heart to see. It hurts to know that she’s aged and that even without human intervention, her time is limited. But, if she had the choice, what would she want?

I can’t ask that. I can’t know. And so I’m left waiting. I should know tomorrow, but tomorrow is so far away.

I know there’s not enough information to go on. I know that I should just breathe and wait and see what happens. It’s going to be a long night, though.

It’s going to be rough going to dance class tomorrow and then the dojo for Muay Thai and waiting, the whole time knowing that I’m supposed to be getting a phone call, and knowing that one of the outcomes could be that the “higher” road would be to be humane.

Big Bad and I have actually been talking a bit since I got back from the vet. I told him about the visit. He asked what my thoughts were and I deflected with humor. I know that’s what I do. I can have super deep conversations with people. In fact, I love having quality conversations. But when it’s about my emotions, when it’s about me hurting I try to deflect away from it.

Right Brain: So here’s this deep dark confession about fear and OH LOOK A DISTRACTION! : D

I still feel like I have to be ok for everyone else. I have to hold it together even though right now I want to be held and to cry even though I don’t even know if there’s a reason to cry. Everything might be fine and it’s just old age and arthritis.

I don’t want her to suffer. I don’t want to lose her. She’s been my companion for seventeen-ish years now. Over half my life. She’s been through so many of my life events with me.

It sucks. And until tomorrow I won’t know. So tonight I’m going to cuddle with her and enjoy the time I do have because just like with everything else, all we have is this moment.

Daily Post 140: All of the Things and a Giant Middle Finger

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Sooo… that writing streak that I had… yeah… didn’t stick with it. : /

Friday I got a bike. Woohoo. Warren drove with me to check it out since he has a truck. I wanted to make sure I would be able to get the bike home if I liked it and I wouldn’t have been able to do that with my little car since I still don’t have a bike rack. It’s on the to get list.

I rode the bike around a little, it seemed to pull a bit to the left, but overall it was a really nice ride. From my previous research, I knew I was getting the bike for a pretty good price, and it is in extremely good condition. So yeah, I am now the proud and completely content owner of my very own bike. : 3

Warren took me to the bike shop to have the guys give it a tune up. They said it wouldn’t be done until Monday most likely, which sort of sucked, but what was I going to do? Not get it tuned up? It needed a bit of work with the tires, and I wanted a starting point for its maintenance history. So I resigned myself to not getting the bike back until Wednesday since I was going to be out of town Monday.

Saturday I drove up to Daytona and had lunch with my brother. I cried on the drive up there. I wonder if it has to do with the fact that driving on I4 is the route I would take when I drove home to see mom…

Either way, I remember being tired because the previous days had been draining socially. Crying didn’t help make me feel energized.

Despite the crying at the beginning of the trip it ended up being a really pleasant visit. Jon and I talked about our plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas. We hashed out our game plan for Monday since I was going with him to South Carolina as an emotional support and to be his witness in divorce court. We got lunch at Hooters since we had memories of going there for wings with our dad. We ended the day by going to a card shop Jon really likes and played a few games of Magic the Gathering.

While we were headed to the card shop I got a phone call saying the bike was done and that I could pick it up. Hooray! I could totally pick the bike up on Sunday and go for a ride. That would make up for all of the socializing I was forcing myself through.

A really nice, long, solitary bike ride with lots of sun and good music from Spotify. Sign me up!

I left after three games with Jon since I had a card night to go to at Frank’s house. We’ve had it planned since last month, and actually the one last month I didn’t really go to. I went to his house and remade my resume and then went home to keep on trucking through updating my websites and such for the potential job at Corey’s company… Hard to believe that was only last month…

Anyway, yeah… Since I skipped out on the last card night I didn’t feel like it would be right for me to miss this one, regardless of how socially tired I was. Didn’t help that Frank was going to grill a prime rib because of a joke I had made about getting him coal for Christmas. He said to make it charcoal since that grills well. Fast forward through about five minutes worth of Facebook messages and he’s grilling an awesome dinner for me and everyone else. Totally not how I meant the conversation to go, but it made me really look forward to the night. I didn’t want to back out of it, especially when he had changed plans and was doing something special for / because of me.

So, like a diligent, timely, responsible adult, I left Daytona with plenty of time to spare because I wanted to make sure I got to Frank’s on time. Halfway through my trip back to Orlando my front right tire went flat. I was able to pull off to the side of the road without causing any sort of accident, but it still sucked because not only did I have a flat tire on the side of the interstate with no car jack, not that it would have helped me since I have never been shown how to change a tire, but I also found out I don’t have roadside assistance and had to pay $60 to have someone come help me.

It’s another moment where I’m aware of how much my mentality has changed. Just like with the car battery, I didn’t freak out or feel like the world was falling apart. Instead, I sighed, rummaged around for my insurance card which had a roadside assistance number on it and arranged to get help. Falling apart didn’t even enter my mind. Calling other people for help didn’t either. I was going to figure it out, one way or another, and I did.

The guys who came and helped me said my tire blew out in three places. One spot on the outside looked like I had hit something, but I didn’t remember hearing, seeing, or feeling anything odd while I was driving. Just a hissing sound, then “thud thud thud thud” which didn’t sound good at all…

They put the donut tire on my car and said I would be able to make it to Orlando fine, just to make sure I got the tire replaced in the morning before driving too much. Knowing I could make it back home helped keep me from going into a negative, worry-filled headspace.

My mind was already to-do listing it out. I knew the tires needed to be replaced, so I could get that taken care of in the morning before doing all of my pre-trip chores. Maybe I could get the car tuned up too since I was going to be driving for the trip.

I was a little late getting to Frank’s house, but overall it wasn’t too bad. I was beyond grateful for the dinner and drinks and good time which helped me relax even as it drained me of the last little bit of energy that I had. I ended up leaving around 10pm.

Sunday started with a phone call to see about getting the car looked at. With that taken care of, I started painting the baseboards in the office. I also did laundry because having clean clothes is nice.

When Warren woke up he agreed to run around doing errands with me. We took the closet doors for the laundry room down since they prevented us from opening the dryer door all the way. Talk about poor design…

Big Bad and I made plans to meet at a park later in the afternoon so everything worked out pretty well. Warren and I dropped the car off at the shop. That was expensive… but having tires is nice and worth it.

And I mean… if I’m honest, aside from oil changes this is really the first major expense I’ve had to invest into my car. So I really can’t complain all that much. It may have been cheaper to go to the dealership, but the shop wasn’t open on Sunday and I received excellent service from the staff at the Firestone I went to. So yeah, no complaints other than I would have rather not have had to spend that money.

Warren and I stopped by the storage unit to put the closet doors away. After that we went to the bike shop to get my bike. And from there we parted ways. Warren went to the dog park with Bruno and I biked over to meet with Big Bad.

Seeing him was a lot of fun, and I’ll most likely not say more about that particular part of my day.

When we were walking back towards his house it came up that I was going to be biking home and that I was only a smidgen worried about biking so far after having such a long hiatus from biking in general. He said he wasn’t comfortable with me biking such a long distance, which I was only mildly miffed about. The competitive contrarian inside my head wanted to puff up.

Irrational Brain: Screw you! I can totally bike that distance!

Rational Brain: No. Really… You might want to take him up on his offer…

We reached an agreement. He would walk to his house and get his van. I could keep biking and get as far as I could before he caught up with me. After that he would drive me the rest of the way home.

I told him to make sure the van said “free candy” on the side or I wouldn’t get in. XD

I ended up making it all the way to another park a few miles away before he caught up to me. I was pretty pleased with his comment of, “Wow, you bike fast.”

Pardon me while I mentally flex and feel like a badass even though I haven’t biked in literally seven months.

I’ve noticed Big Bad and I spend more time talking. Sharing stories. It’s like when we share coffee in the morning. There’s a comfortableness that I appreciate and value. It also reminds me of how there are a million ways to say “I care”.

Have you eaten?
Call me when you get home.
Put your seat belt on.
I hope you have a good day.

His concern over me biking home made me feel cared for and I appreciated him taking time out of his day to make sure I was safe.

It also meant when I got home that I got a bottle of water then biked down to the bike trail and proceed to do an eight-mile bike ride because I wasn’t going to be cheated out of a bike ride.

I wanted to see what it would be like if I biked to the gym I want to start going to and back. While it’s light outside it’s not bad, but I don’t think I would want to bike the trail at night. We’ll see how that ends up working out, but yeah. Having a bike again is amazing and I love it.

By the time I got back home from my experimental bike adventure the car was ready to be picked up. Jon had driven down to hang out with a friend and messaged me asking if I wanted to do dinner. Warren and I were both hungry, so we all met up at the sports bar for food and more Magic the Gathering while the jocks around us watched football because we’re nerds with no shame. By the time we were done hanging out I was exhausted.

I came home and had wonderful thoughts of continuing to be productive. Thoughts that were banished from my head the moment I laid down on my bed because I pretty much instantly fell asleep.

Monday I woke up and cooked some food so it wouldn’t go bad while I was gone. I also finished packing and doing the chores I should have done the night before. I was about thirty minutes late getting on the road, but all in all, the day was off to a good start.

I cried again on the trip to Jon’s apartment.

I made it to Daytona fine. Jon got in the car with his stuff and we continued on our way. We made it into South Carolina around 9:30pm. After checking into our hotel we went to a little dinner place that we used to go to with mom. We talked for a while. About her. About life. About different things that have happened to us in our relationships, both past and current ones.

We went back to the hotel after eating and slept. Well… he slept. I tossed and turned for most of the night. I don’t sleep well in new places, and I hadn’t had a chance to do a workout so I had too much energy in me.

Tuesday morning came too soon, and yet not soon enough. We both woke up and showered. We got breakfast at a Waffle House. Another place we both have memories of mom at. We went to the place she always took us to get our hair cut. Jon and mom were pretty close to the hairdressers, so Jon wanted to stop by and say hi.

While we were there I got about two inches cut off of my hair. The ends were getting icky.

When we were done at the salon Jon and I went to see a friend of mom’s. Mrs. Terry used to babysit us. I have a lot of fond memories of paper mache and swimming in her pool and sleepovers and warm summer days playing outside. Mrs. Terry was amazing, and she was an extremely close friend of mom’s.

When Jon and I had been in South Carolina for the service we had tried to see Mrs. Terry, but it hadn’t worked out and we had to leave before we could contact her. Since we had time before Jon’s court appointment we decided to try to see her again. This time, if she wasn’t there, we were going to leave a card with our numbers on it asking her to call one of us. We knew she needed to know. Somehow, one of us had to tell her.

We didn’t need the card, though. She was home this time. She hugged me and ushered both of us inside. I was the one to tell her mom died. I explained what happened. We exchanged contact information. Jon and I briefly caught her up on our lives, and she told us what she had been doing. She said she had been thinking of mom and us for months and had never gotten around to reaching out.

I said we had been thinking of her, too.

After we left her house I was quiet, lost in my thoughts.

Me: “You know. It’s comments like that that make me feel like it’s unfair.”

Jon: “Like what?”

Me: ” Mrs. Terry saying, ‘She was younger than me.'”

I don’t try to stop the tears when I’m around Jon. I know he understands. They were rolling down my cheeks as I continued to drive. He squeezed my shoulder and we rode in silence for most of the way.

We went to the courthouse. Jon was nervous. Scott ended up showing up. He’s an ex that Jon dated for a while. Mom and really liked Scott, and I’m super happy Jon has been able to maintain his friendship with him through everything. It was good to see him.

I was sworn in as Jon’s witness, saying he and Nathan have lived seprately, that they haven’t reconsiled, and that if they had I would have known about it. It was the first time I had been to court. It was the first time being sworn in. It was an interesting experience.

Once it was done Jon and I went to an Irish pub for dinner then got back on the road to head home.

The trip wasn’t as bad as when I drove back with Warren, but it was a lot of driving in 48 hours and by the time I dropped Jon off in Daytona I was ready to be done with it. I didn’t get home until 11pm last night.

Warren was awake watching TV. I opened the door, hung up my keys, said goodnight and walked up the stairs. That might have been really shitty of me, but I had nothing left to give. I had gotten maybe two hours of sleep the night before, explained my mom had died and how, gone to court, and drove 7 hours in a single day.

I wanted to be alone. I wanted to hide. I wanted mom to be alive so I could call her and tell her that I had made it home ok.

I didn’t bother doing anything other than crawling into bed. No unpacking. No checking the sink to see if there were dirty dishes. Nothing mattered. Everything could wait. Everything would be fine until the morning.

And it was.

I woke up today around 9am. I woke up tired, but it wasn’t an, “I didn’t sleep enough” type of tired. It was more of an, “I’ve done a crap ton of stuff in a short period of time with not enough downtime” sort of tired.

Warren messaged me around noon to see if I was ok and alive. My reply was “Ded”. His reply of “RIP” was cute. I apologized for my rudeness when I had gotten home the night before. He said he understood and figured I had been done with the world.

I didn’t get about of bed until 1:30pm and the only reason I did that was because my body demanded to be fed because it’s annoying like that.

Bruno sat outside with me while I drank my coffee. It seems to be part of the routine now. I enjoy his presence actually. He’ll sit in front of me and let me pet him. Sometimes he’ll lay down on the walkway in front of me while I lean against the door. He’s a German Shepard / Yellow Lab mix. He reminds me a lot of Diageo, Warren #2’s dog. I’m not much of a dog person, but both Diageo and Bruno are extremely well behaved, and they’re super lovable. The only way they could be cooler was if they were cats.

Warren came out eventually to join the party. Part of me wasn’t ready to talk, another part of me wanted to not be alone. The “not alone” part won out.

I brainstormed my day out loud since Warren was there. I also mentioned that was his “punishment” for intruding on my coffee time since that’s when I normally do all of my planning. If someone’s there I’m more likely to think vocally rather than silently.

I came up with five things I wanted to do today. Only five. I could relax the rest of the day as long as I was a little productive beforehand. One of the things I wanted to do was bike to the post office to check the mail. I was hoping doing something physical would help burn through the tiredness. Maybe it would even start a domino effect as far as productivity went and I would end up getting more done than I had originally thought.

It wasn’t that far of a ride. A little over two miles one way. It would have been a great ride except it wasn’t until I was standing in front of my PO box that I realized I had left the mailbox key in my car… you know… the one I left parked at the apartment…

FML…

So… Since there wasn’t much else I could do I biked back home empty handed. I had noticed before I left the apartment that I was out of Gatorade, so I figured all wasn’t lost. I potentially could go to the store, and while out and about for the store I could swing by the post office and still check the mail.

After doing a few other chores that’s what I did. Warren ended up going with me. I was grateful for his company.

There wasn’t anything super important in the mailbox.

Nothing important. Nothing that required any action on my part, but it was still hard to read. It was a letter from our lawyer in Vegas, the one handling mom’s estate. It was a notice that Jason is going to be appointed the executor and that there is a hearing on December 2nd. I only need to show up if I wish to contest, which I don’t.

It seems silly to me to have any sort of pain with reading something that really might as well have been junk mail. I knew Jason was filing a full probate and that he would be appointed the executor. I knew there was legal stuff that went along with that. One of those things being that it could be, but wouldn’t be, contested by myself or Jon.

Seeing my mom being referred to as deceased… reading those words… knowing that someone is going to say my mom’s name in court and on the record she will be deceased… it’s like the Universe taking a shank and stabbing me in the kidneys. Again.

You would think at some point there wouldn’t be fresh places to stab… I’m guessing Life is taking that as a challenge to prove me wrong.

I told Warren there weren’t bills, but that I had gotten the letter. My voice almost couldn’t form the words as I explained what the letter said. The date was the hardest thing to say. It felt like when I had been hiking with Jason and explaining how some days were fine and other days really sucked. It felt like I was going to choke on the date. It felt like admitting, vocalizing, those words would strangle me.

I told him I would have rather gotten a bill.

He squeezed my shoulder, much the way Jon had done yesterday after leaving Mrs. Terry’s house. Sometimes there aren’t words. Sometimes it just sucks and the only thing you can keep doing is moving forward. So that’s what we did.

We went to Publix to do the shopping. Since we were both hungry we went to Jersey Mike’s first. It was in the same plaza so it wasn’t much of a detour and I’m a firm believer of not shopping while you’re hungry. While we were waiting in line he hugged me, pulling me close, and again, I let the tears do their thing rather than fighting them. I hurt and I wanted a hug and I didn’t care if that made anyone else uncomfortable.

I’ve gotten to the point where anyone who has an issue with my tears can go fuck themselves. I’m not staying in bed being depressed and that’s great and all but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Sometimes it still sucks or hurts. The tears help me get through the pain and to keep going and I’m not going to be ashamed of them. I’m not going to hide or feel like it’s wrong of me.

My mom died and my friend was giving me a hug and there were tears. There’s nothing wrong with that. Life doesn’t only happen behind the closed doors of homes or when it’s “convenient”. Sometimes it happens in the middle of a parking lot as you read a letter or while you’re waiting to tell the person behind the counter yes, I would like that on white bread.

The conversation over dinner was pretty non-existent. I was appreciative of the silence.

Publix was super crowded. Both Warren and I were ready to be home by the time we made it through checkout.

When I got home I finished up my to-do list, which had grown to 10 items. One was paying bills. That was mildly depressing. Money normally is. Mostly it’s the Verizon bill getting under my skin and how I’m paying $200 a month because I didn’t stick to my guns and let Zane convince me to get a new phone as a “gift” from him that I’m now paying for. It’s frustrating. It’s something I need to look further into, and I will, just not today.

And so that’s where I am so far. My to-do list is done. My blog is written. There’s still more I want to write about, but that was a lot of catching up so I’m pretty written out, and the rest of the stuff on my mind is more philosophical rambling which really is more of a musing moment than a daily post.

I’m glad about how today worked out. I’m glad I was still productive and did things and that one of the things I did was a workout.

On the subject of working out… before we got on the road I used my brother’s restroom. There was a scale, so I decided to step on it just for shiggles. I normally stay away from scales. They’re depressing. I’ve dropped pant sizes in the past so I know I’m “losing” weight, but the number on the scale stays the same, or in one case actually went up. The scale kills my feeling of motivation so I’ve learned to avoid it.

Well… I guess I’ve lost twenty pounds since the last time I weighed myself.

I’ve been feeling better about myself lately. I’ve been feeling more attractive and more confident and while I know the positive influences of Big Bad and my blacksmith are both factors to those feelings, I also know that my body is continuing to change and contributes to the feelings as well.

I haven’t needed the scale or numbers to feel good about myself and my efforts, but knowing that the changes are for real and not just made up feelings inside my head is… I don’t know… nice, I guess? Validating maybe?

I’m not working out for the numbers. I’m working out because I want to be healthier. Because I want to do a fraction of the shit my DnD characters can do. Because I want to kick ass during my race in February. Because I want to enjoy life and live it fully.

I’m not doing this to have an awesome weight loss story, or to fit in with societies standards. I’m doing this for me.

I haven’t meditated on this information, on this “loss”, so I don’t know where it goes in my mental filing system or what I really feel about it.

I know part of the feelings include vulnerability. I’m worried that it’s not enough. I’m worried people will still say hurtful comments. I’m worried that even if I was the “perfect” size that it wouldn’t matter because haters are going to hate. I’m worried that as I continue to lose weight that I’ll become fearful in my future interactions. I’m worried that I’ll wonder if the new people I meet would have befriended me if I were still fifty pounds heavier and that I’ll let that worry tarnish those friendships.

Currently, this information reminds me of the hurtful experiences in high school which caused me to become self-conscious about my weight in the first place. I’m reminded of when Warren #2 said he didn’t think I worked out as hard as I said I did at the gym because if I did I would have lost more weight.

There’s a lot of things to unpack and examine I guess. I haven’t really paid much attention to that aspect of myself, and I suppose that’s understandable. I’ve been so focused on staying afloat in the wake of mom’s death, and then finding a place to live, and then getting everything situated with that and having Warren #1 move in…

Well… I did all of that and still lost weight. Even though there are things for me to work through and even though I feel small and vulnerable admitting to this change in myself, I still want it to be my giant middle finger to Life and all of the bullshit it has thrown at me.

Me: Fuck you, Life. I can take all of that, figure shit out, and still move forward on my goals.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow. I’m looking forward to a productive day where I set up a virtual machine to run Mac OS on my Windows desktop so I can finally have Omnifocus again. I’m looking forward to going through my “in” box and getting back to square one with my life. I’m looking forward to maybe picking out the models I want to rig for my new demo reel. And I’m looking forward to my first Muay Thai and Jujitsu classes.

Tomorrow will be a good day.

Daily Post 139: Jujitsu

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Going on day three of posting. Woo. Go me.

I forgot about getting my car battery replaced yesterday. The car has felt weak when I start it. It started getting to the point where I felt like I was playing Russian roulette when I turned the key. Not a fun feeling to have.

I stopped by the auto store and had the battery tested, for free because they’re awesome, and the test came back bad. So crisis averted. Bought a new battery. They put it in for me. I turned the car on and everything was back to normal.

I’m not sure if this situation says anything about my growth in life. In the past, literally anything with the car would have been the main focal point of my day because car issues were always insanely stressful for me. Now, not so much. Maybe I forgot about it because the issue was so easily taken care of. Or maybe with everything else I’ve had to go through the thought of car trouble just can’t get under my skin the way it used to.

I finally finished painting my closet today. The previous tenets were weird and had the closet shelving ridiculously high. It was almost out of my reach just for hanging clothes up, much less actually using the shelf space to store anything. Since I was painting anyway I went ahead and took down all of the shelving, painted, then put the shelving back about six inches lower this time. Poof, usable space. I got my clothes hung back up so my room feels less like a disaster. Also got to use the power tools again so I’m feeling pretty savvy.

Tomorrow I’ll do the baseboards and then I’ll be able to scratch “master bedroom” off of the list. Hooray. I’ll be able to start going through my “in” box which is really the last thing I need to do in regards to my room. Then I can start working on finishing the office, which is baseboards and floor scrubbing. Then bathrooms. Then kitchen. Then I can start making plans for the patio area.

It might be taking a bit longer than I thought it would, but everything is coming along.

I didn’t workout today and I’m mildly bummed about that, but in my defense things changed last minute and they didn’t work the way I thought they would.

Since Big Bad and I wrestle so much I started thinking about looking into jujitsu classes. I found a place that seemed really interesting. They offer Muay Thia along with MMA sparring and grappling classes. They had a video showing the gym and explaining the school. Color me intrigued.

I was super nervous about going, but I wanted to see what it was like. It has a super laid back atmosphere and the instructors I spoke with were extremely nice. I think it lines up more with what I’m looking for now. The boxing place I’m going to is fun, and I’m comfortable there, but I want more interaction and sparring rather than a cardio workout with a punching bag.

Even as I type that I’m cringing because I don’t want to make it seem like my current gym is bad or lacking. It’s not. They’re great people and I enjoy going there. I feel like I’m interested in a slightly different thing now, which isn’t something they offer. This new place may be more what I’m… I don’t know… craving, I guess.

After talking with the Muay Thia instructor for a while I decided to schedule a time to try out a class. I made the appointment for Monday but realized about 30 minutes after I had left that I can’t go Monday. I have to go to South Carolina with my younger brother as his emotional support and witness for filing his divorce paperwork. Much lame…

So I guess I’m going to call the place tomorrow and see if I can switch to the Saturday classes instead. If not then I guess I’ll figure something out. I wouldn’t be able to go until Wednesday at the earliest, but since Wednesdays are SCA combat days I really wouldn’t be able to go until Thursday and I really don’t want to wait a whole week. : /

We’ll see what happens. I’m sure there won’t be an issue going on Saturday.

Tomorrow morning I get to go check out a bike I found on Craig’s List. It looks like it’s in good condition. Honestly, it looks bearly used. The reviews for the model all say it’s a “good starter bike” which is really all I want / need. It’s a hybrid so there’s suspension on the front wheel. Aluminum body, so it shouldn’t be too heavy. I’m going to go check it out and see what I think of it in person. I’m hoping I like it.

If I start going to this new gym it would only be a four-mile bike ride to get there. Not that I’ve looked into that already or anything…

I’ve played a bit of Guild Wars today as well. Got a bunch of mastery points. Saved a bunch of people. Killed a bunch of evil bad guys. Productive day.

I went through all of my tags for my blog and deleted way more than should have ever existed. I’ve been blogging for over two years, though, so I guess it’s understandable. I’ve gone through different phases of tagging posts and have never thought to go back and clean up the back end of things. I don’t think it was really affecting anything, but it made me feel good to do it.

I started feeling a bit lonely this evening. Missing mom. It’s an ache in my chest. Like a bruise. One that you can feel without having to touch it. I can’t help but wish I could see her one more time. Sit across from her one last time. I don’t know, just five minutes where I can smile and laugh with her. I wish I could tell her about the car battery or finishing painting, or any number of the silly, trivial things that go on in my life.

Today was a good day. Even on good days sometimes I still cry.

Letters to Mom 007: A Much Needed Talk

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I wrote this last night but was unable to post due to laptops being lame and emotional exhaustion.

At least I’m posting now, right? That whole better late than never thing, mayhaps? ^^;


 

Hey mom.

I need to write to you right now, and that sort of sucks because the only thing I have to type on is a micro Dell laptop that I guess Jon got when he first got out of basic training. I had mentioned to Jason that I was in the market for a laptop since I had to give mine back to work and he got this thing out for me to play around on. This is the first time I’m poking at it, and I can already tell that I won’t like it, but for right now, it’s the only thing I have to spill the words out on, so I suppose it’s serving its purpose.

I’m in Vegas right now. I’m with Jason, Lio, and Jace. I’ve only been here a few days, and I’ll only be here a few days more. There have already been some really hard moments for me and I need to tell you about them. I’m already crying which is frustrating because it’s hard enough to type on this tiny keyboard without the added complication of not being able to see what I’m typing; in Word Pad no less since this thing apparently doesn’t have the Office suite…

Anyway… Take off from Denver wasn’t so bad. I still had tears and the conflicting feelings of my brain begging you to be alive when I landed, just like the first flight out to Vegas five months ago, and the despair of knowing how futile feeling those emotions are because you’ll never be there. Not this time. Not next time. Not any time I fly. It’s like those emotions are ingrained into the experience of take off. The experience of not being connected to my phone for four hours and not knowing what was happening. Not knowing what I would be walking into when I got off the plane and wishing, bartering, begging with everything that I had for you to hold on long enough for me to say goodbye. To say I love you. Four hours of “Please be alive. Please be there.”

But you won’t be there anymore. And I know that. Yet I still feel everything so intensely when the plane starts down the runway, and it doesn’t matter that I know you won’t be there now. My brain still says those words and I still have to hide my face from the people sitting next to me so they don’t see the tears I can’t stop.

I know the feelings will be there now. I understand what it feels like and I’m better able to cope with them; the thoughts, the feelings. I’m sure I’ll still feel those feelings when I fly to Texas on Saturday. And I’m sure it will still hurt and I’m sure I’ll make it through the trip just like I’ve made it through all of the flights so far. It still sucks though, and I don’t know why but I want to tell you that it sucks. I want you to know that it hurts and that I miss you every time.

It sucks and I make it through it.

I read Jace his first bedtime story. I think that would have made you smile, but that was really hard too. I wasn’t prepared for it. I wasn’t prepared to walk into his room and to see your picture there on his dresser. I had to hold it together while he rummaged through his bookcase and picked out the story he wanted me to read to him.

Mom I wanted you to be there. I wanted you to be the one reading to him. It should have been you. You should have been there to smile at me and tell me how I am becoming a good aunt and that I’m so good with him. You should have been there to encourage me and to tell me that I’m not fucking things up with my not knowing what to do with a three year old.

We had dinner that night. Lio’s parents came over and that sucked because I was sad from reading the story to Jace and had to keep that sadness from consuming me. Jason, Lio, Jace and I sat at the kitchen table like a family and ate dinner together and I didn’t want to eat. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream because it hurt so much. I knew it would it would hurt. The whole time I was in the kitchen making my plate the only thought I had was how I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to sit down. I didn’t want to do it because that would make things real.  But I knew it was something I was going to have to do. To face.

You’ll never sit with us again. Not that night. Not the next night. Not on Thanksgiving. Not ever.

It’s all of these stupid, trivial things that shouldn’t hurt but they do, mom. They hurt so much and I wish you were here so you could hug me because you always made everything feel better. You always made me feel like no matter what, no matter how much things sucked, or how much they hurt, that they would be ok. You always had a way of making me believe that I would be ok. And now that you’re not here I’m having to tell myself those words. I’m having to believe myself and sometimes that seems like the most impossible thing to do. Sometimes it still feels like a lie that I’m trying to make myself believe.

I don’t know how to handle the holidays this year. You won’t be here for Thanksgiving and if a normal family dinner hurt that much I can only imagine what that day will be like. Or my birthday. The first one without you calling me to wish me a happy day. Or Christmas just a few days after that. Not even a week. I guess that week is really going to hit me hard with so much so close together.

The first New Years without you…

Mom, how am I suppose to survive all of that?

Jason and I went out tonight. We went to different stores trying to find sandals for me to replace the ones I’ve had for four years. We went to a craft store because I told Jason about some art books I had seen and he was interested in them. We went to Barns and Noble and spent a while looking at books. I think that would have made you smile. You always loved that the three of us liked to read so much.

We went to dinner where they had paper on the table with crayons and I got to color and draw and I guess that impressed Jason. I don’t think he’s ever seen me draw. Not since going to school. We played a game of tic-tac-toe where neither of us won. We went to the movie theater and watched Star Trek. I think you would have liked the movies. I think you would have actually gone to the theater and watched it with us if you were still here. One of the few movies you might have been interested in.

I think the last time Jason and I had any time alone was seven years ago, when we still lived in South Carolina. I think the concerts he took me to where the only times we ever spent time alone. We were always with Jon, or Lio, or it was all of use together. I don’t mean for that to sound bad, because in my mind it isn’t. It’s just a fact that I realized. It was a really nice night. It was an amazing night where we both laughed and talked about games, and books, and movies, and got to remember just how similar we are even though there’s twelve years between us.

We had to drive past the hospital you stayed at. The one where you died. Part of me wants to go back there. Part of me wants to see the room. I don’t remember the room number even though at the time I thought I would never forget it. I would still be able to walk to it. I remember the elevator ride up. I remember walking down the sterile halls to your room. I remember Jon placing your ring into my hand.

I don’t know what it would do for me. Nothing… Everything… Would it hurt? Would it help? I don’t know. Maybe it’s just a sick way for my brain to jab at this wound with a rotting stick. Who knows?

I know I won’t go there this trip. Maybe on another one though. Maybe one day it will happen.

I talked to Lio about the holidays. She wants all of use to come out. She thinks it will be good for Jon and I to be together. She thinks it would let us hash things out in a safe environment. I don’t want to be alone on those days, so I guess I’ll be here even if Jon is. I think Jason would put a stop to things if he started being vicious towards me.

I miss you, mom. I wish you could see the changes Lio has made to the house. You would be impressed with how crafty she is. You always were. I wish you could hear how much Jace is talking. I wish you could hear him count to 10. I wish you could see him dance to Turn It Down for What. You would think it’s the cutest thing in the world even though you would most likely despise the song.

I wish so many things, and it all comes back to wishing you were here.

I know you’re with me. Jace has already asked about the pendent I wear. The little urn I got so you would always be with me. He knows it’s something special. The way he looks at it. The way he reached for it while I was buckling him into the car seat when we went grocery shopping. It’s not the same as his fascination with other things. He loves you mom, and I so wish you could still be a part of his life.

I wish you could still be a part of mine. Physically.

I knew this would be the hardest part of my month of traveling. The days are getting easier the more I’m here. Dinner the second night didn’t hurt as much as the first. Reading the second bedtime story didn’t make me want to break down into tears. I made it through those firsts and survived. I’ll keep surviving my year of firsts.

And I guess that’s as good a point as any to end my one-sided conversation on. I’ll keep surviving, mom. I love you. I miss you. I know you’re still with me. I’m sorry it still hurts and I still cry.

I love you. Forever and for always, and I’ll keep surviving.