Daily Post 065: Standing Up

Standard

It has been a lifetime since I have written, and I don’t mean that in an exaggerated sense of the phrase. I mean, literally, since I have last writen a new chapter has unexpectedly begun writing itself.

EVERYTHING is about to change but unlike how things changed when mom died, I want these changes. I feel like this is the change needed to finish becoming who I’m supposed to be and I realize that most all of the people in my life won’t understand or agree with it, and I’m ok with that.

This is another moment of writing for myself, regardless of who reads my blog. This is my life, my thoughts, and I won’t change the picture of it by omitting events or feelings. I won’t skew myself, misrepresent the person I am. I won’t dishonor this space by pretending that things did or did not happen the way they did.

My week away was decent. I spent most of the time playing World of Warcraft with my brother. I have a level 110 mage. Her item level is in the 870s. I’m getting back into the groove of the game and I like most of the changes that have been made. Not all… but most.

Monday, the 18th, started my week. Really, in hindsight, I suppose it was the start of this change even though I didn’t know it at the time.

I woke up early to take my car in for repairs. I was able to find the drop off location with relative ease. I only had to U-turn once in morning rush hour traffic. Hooray.

The woman handling my claim is extremely nice. She even took a look at the damage and gave me her opinion. After crawling on the ground to look under the bumper she said both wheels were straight so there most likely wasn’t any real structural damage from the accident. It “should” be all cosmetic.

I was given a rental car to use until my car is repaired. It’s an Accent. It’s a bit bigger than my car but I actually really like it. If I ever feel the need to trade in my car or get a new one an Accent is definitely up there on my list to try out.

Since I was in the area I wanted to figure out the remaining issues with school. First I needed breakfast, though. I knew of a Cracker Barrel not far from where I was. I decided to get over my anxiety of driving a new car that didn’t belong to me and get some coffee in my system. It would also give me a chance to battle plan out my day.

I was looking forward to how things felt like they were going go.

On my way to breakfast, I received a text message. It was from Mother Earth. She had read my blog about the car accident. Her comment hurt. She quoted part of my previous blog post to me, the part where I say I was glad I wasn’t injured and I was able to message the people I care about to let them know I was ok.

Mother Earth: Good to know.

I hadn’t messaged her and her words felt like a slash mark across my chest. It’s a cold feeling. Metalic. I can still feel where it is. It’s in the same place as when she got upset at me about dating Zane. The same place where she told me to never message her again because of the blow up with Josh.

I read that message and felt defeat. I still do. It took a few minutes to know what I wanted to do, to say. It felt like nothing would be good enough, right enough. I had already failed and any sort of justification would just intensify that failure.

I replied explaining that I had messaged three people, though after reflection on it, after stepping back from the quickness of my reply, I realized it was four. I messaged Jon first, letting him know that way if I ended up not being ok at least he would be able to sound the alarm. I then messaged both of my roommates in case I needed help transportation wise, and again, to sound the alarm if needed. Once everything was squared away and I had already completed my journey to work I called my older brother.

That’s it.

I didn’t call my dad. I didn’t call Big Bad or my blacksmith. I didn’t call Sir, or my uncles, or my cousin, or Allison. There was no need to call anyone else and tell them, “Hey, I’m ok. I know that you think this is a big deal and you want to do something, but it’s really not a big deal, my day is unchanged, and there’s nothing you can do. K. Thanks. Bye.”

I made a post on Facebook. I wrote about it on my blog because it happened. As far as my inconvenience level it was actually mildly convenient to get hit because it forced me to be in the vicinity of school at an early enough hour to get shit done.

I had already moved past it, the car accident, much like you move past the annoyance of brushing your teeth in the morning.

But that’s not how it stayed. This is the second time my blog has caused drama in my life. The second time it has been read and actions have occured because of that writing.

Sitting in my car, holding my phone, seeing a message that felt like our effort and time meant nothing left me with a choice to make.

What did I want to do?

And my answer, inside of my head, was nothing.

I am not going to apologize for how I handled this situation. I’m not going to… I don’t know what…

I’m not going to be responsible for someone else’s emotions. And I wasn’t going to open myself up to what felt like more hurt and discord when it was two days away from my birthday. Two days away from an agonizing reminder that mom is dead.

I replied saying who I had messaged, what was going on with the car, and that though I was feeling fine if I started to have pain I would go to the hospital.

She replied with I knew my body best and we haven’t spoken since then.

I’m not sure what else to say on the subject. I know the rest of my writing is going to affect at least two people who read this post very deeply if they read it before I talk to them, but this is my journal, my diary. This is where I figure all of my shit out. I NEED to figure things out before I talk to people and I have a right to my emotions, just like they have a right to theirs.

I’m not going to let the possibility of them reading this before I talk to them change what I write or when I post. I post once I’m done because I don’t know if I’ll get the chance to afterward. I post in the moment because these words, my words, belong in the moment they were created, not later when things have changed and progressed.

So yeah… A text message was the second major event of my week off and it wasn’t even past 11am of the first day.

I continued to Cracker Barrel. I had my breakfast. I figured out the hours and locations for the departments I needed to be at for the school tasks I wanted to complete. I went and got my ID made. I got my textbooks, finally, since the bookstore never called me back. Shitty service guys. I called twice. : /

I was going to get the parking decal for my car but I didn’t have the registration, nor did I know my license plate number so I decided to save that for a different day.

I did spend the evening with Big Bad. He cooked dinner. While he had been on his fishing trip, which he returned from sans shark attack, he caught a grouper. It was the largest fish caught that day so he won a pool he and his coworkers had going. It was a tasty meal. We had sexy time before going to sleep however for the first time in a while I didn’t sleep well next to him. I don’t remember why, but I remember that I had been hoping to feel better, more connected, but I didn’t.

It was still two days until my birthday. Even though I was with someone I cared about, things still sort of sucked.

I don’t remember all of the details from there. Things get hazy but then, there’s really not much to say. I didn’t train at all during my week off. I didn’t donate plasma, either. I played Warcraft and slept and hung out with my brother.

Wednesday, was the 20th, my birthday. My blacksmith came over for a few hours before he went to work. It was good to see him. We had sex but in all honesty, we spent most of our time cuddling/sleeping.

He asked if I was ok, to which I replied yes. He said he knew I was strong but was I really ok. I again said yes, that I was fine.

Me: I promise.

I didn’t feel connected, though, and there was nothing either of us could have done to change or fix that. I wanted mom but that connection can never be what it was. It’s not wrong. It simply is.

I had been fine-ish for most of the day, but I began hurting when he got up to leave to go to work. It’s like by the act of him leaving I realized I was alone.

I didn’t feel used, but I didn’t feel good, either. Much like how I didn’t feel better from my time with Big Bad.

I got back on WoW because I had told my brother I would, but I didn’t stay on all that terribly long. We did a few things with guildmates, Jon and I talked a bit in Discord, and then I went to bed.

I didn’t cry much that night and that’s something I will acknowledge. I didn’t cry as much as I thought I would that week.

The 20th is the first day that I really started interacting with Ox. That’s his Chinese zodiac sign, so that’s his code name. He’s wood ox actually and so yes, I do make jokes in reference to trojan horses sometimes.

Anyway, I’m sure you can see where this is going…

We’ve spent roughly three hours each day since then talking to each other and neither of us knows why. We can’t explain it. We can’t find the logic in it.

What I do know is that in the next few months, as soon as feasibly possible, I will be moving to Nebraska.

Am I moving there because of him?

Yes.

And no.

I don’t want to stay in Orlando. I don’t want to stay at my job. I don’t want to stay at the apartment. I don’t want to have the roommates I do. And being completely honest with myself, I don’t want to be a nurse.

I don’t know what I want, but I want to figure it out and the pervasive feeling through this whole season was stagnation. The feeling that I can’t move forward here. I’m stuck here. I’m screwed here. I’m surrounded by reminders here.

Is my choice to leave stupid?

I don’t know. I haven’t done it yet. I don’t know what the repercussions will be for my actions.

I know that it feels right. It feels like there’s less resistance, less friction following this unexpected direction then staying here in Orlando.

My question for myself, the one I always ask when I’m not sure what choice to make; If I were to die tomorrow would I regret not doing this?

Yes.

My answer is yes.

I would regret not doing this. I would regret not seeing what’s about to happen. Even if I crash and burn and crawl back beaten and bloody and broken, I would be content knowing I did what I wanted to do. It didn’t work, but at least I can die knowing I tried.

There are things I/we want to take care of before I do move. We have both said, “within the year”, but what we’re aiming for is within the next three months.

On my end, there’s the issue of school. My certifications. Finding a job. Finding a place to live. Leaving my friends. Leaving my lovers. Moving what little I have and figuring out what exactly it is I want to take with me.

There is a lot that goes into this decision and I am working through all of the aspects and doing the research for it as I go. I’m asking deep questions and I am being brutally honest with my answers.

I know parts of this choice are going to be painful. Big Bad and I just spent an afternoon together where he gave me a birthday present with a card that brought me to tears.

It hurts knowing that this choice will hurt him. I love him. I want for him to be ok and for this to not damage him and I don’t know if it won’t.

I know there’s more I most likely should/want to write about but this writing was interrupted by a phone call and now I’m not sure where I am within the writing or where I want to go, and really, all of this is a lot in itself. Maybe ending it, for now, is the best course of action so I can come back later and work through all of the many different parts one at a time.

I have set it within my mind that I am leaving. I’m leaving to go live in essentially what is a forest. I’m leaving to have the space and distance and solitude that I have craved for so long. There is a person involved but it’s more that he showed me this area exists and that, with work, it’s possible for me to get there.

I will be there. And as I find time to write, which I know I need to make more time for, I’ll work through everything that comes with this decision.

I think I know what this coming year will be for me. I wasn’t sure before, but now… now I think I know. I will leave this broken, empty, dusty den of what used to be and I will fly away to make a new one, my own nitch which I carve myself without approval or guidance. I am no longer a fledgling dragon and I will prove it to myself.

I need change if I am to continue to grow the way I feel I’m meant to.

This will be my year of standing up.

I had a year where I survived.

I had a year where I have become stable.

Now it’s time to stand once again and own the person I’m meant to be.

Advertisements

Daily Post 048: Doin’ Good

Standard

I wrote last Thursday, so less than a week ago. I had to go back and look at my last post to remember that. So much happens within such short time frames that it seems like it’s been longer.

I worked two days after my last post; both Friday and Saturday.

Friday started off awful. That day I was scheduled to work with our RN. She’s awesome. I have a high level of respect for her. Every time she spoke to me that morning it was to tell me how I was doing something wrong. By 8 am I wanted to find a corner and cry my eyes out because I was convinced that I did nothing right. I should just quit my job and save everyone the hassle of having to put up with me.

The constant, non-stop corrections made me feel incompetent, and she would loudly, pointedly, correct me in front of patients, so I had an audience for my dressing down.

I know she’s correcting me to make me better. I know this is her way of showing she cares. But for my personality type, her method sucks. Hardcore super sucks. So even though I know she’s coming from a good place, emotionally it was tearing me up.

After I came back from my first break it wasn’t as bad. The day continued on well enough.

I decided to go to the gym after work and run┬ábecause I guess being on my feet all day and walking seven miles wasn’t enough. Joking aside, I knew that I needed to do something to get rid of the stress build up. The dojo was closed and so was Title Club. The gym is 24 hours, though, and I’ve been wanting to improve my run time again. I’m still kicking the idea of running a Spartan in December.

So the idea solidified in my head to go to the gym. I needed to stop by the apartment for a few things, but it wouldn’t be a huge detour so it was ok.

Well… when I walked through the door the first thing I heard was the laughter of another female. I know for a fact that Warren didn’t mention anything about having someone over. I was so not ready to meet a new person in my space after working for 12 hours where at least four of them made me seriously contemplate quitting my job.

I was in instant bitch mode and gave zero fucks about it. I got the stuff I needed as I politely explained I wasn’t going to be staying long and left. On the way to the gym I sent a text message to Warren saying I was not ok with not being told about having company over and drove to the gym with renewed purpose; blowing off steam so I didn’t lose my shit and end up in jail for murder.

I shaved 3 minutes off my time from the last time I ran. I normally am at an 18-minute mile. I did a 15-minute mile Friday. Still doing interval running, but I ran for longer intervals at a faster pace than what I normally do and I wasn’t too super tired afterward. It felt like a good, decent run, especially after being at work all day.

I was still pissed, but I wasn’t as pissed. Mostly I was tired and didn’t care what was going on as long as “she” wasn’t there. Introverted animal instincts were in full flare.

Warren apologized, saying he had just stopped by to feed Bruno and that he didn’t think it would be a big deal since I wasn’t home.

My reply was that the apartment is my only haven; that I pay rent to have this space as my own. I deserve to know when someone is going to be in it, even if it’s only to stop by and feed the dog. Just like he has a right to know when I bring someone over.

We’ve talked about it. When I asked if we’re still ok he said yes, so I guess we’re ok. There’s not much else to write about on the topic other than more bitching on my part, so I’ll move on.

Saturday was a better day. The floors were scheduled to be waxed at our clinic so we had to unplug all of the machines and computers and move literally everything off of the floor. You don’t realize how much crap there is in a dialysis clinic until you have to move it all.

Sunday I had breakfast at Perkins again. Unfortunately, I forgot my headphones so even though it was a good breakfast I wasn’t able to zone out the way I had been hoping to. The intention to blog was there, but alas, it was not meant to be.

I did do a fairly good job of keeping it as a “Me” day though I still ended up at work. I had messaged my supervisor on Saturday asking if more volunteers were needed since Sunday afternoon the clinic needed to be set back up. He said yes and that I should be at the clinic at 1 pm. So on my “Me” day I went into work for a couple hours and moved everything back to where it was supposed to be.

It was actually really nice. It’s like when I clean the mats at the dojo. I feel like part of the clinic now. More at home and comfortable. I’ve done something to contribute to the environment. It’s a good feeling. I think it made me look pretty good too since it was my FA, me, and one other person setting everything up. No one else showed.

I did happen to stop by Best Buy on my way home from the clinic on Sunday. I got a new pair of headphones and a lighting to aux converter so I can keep a pair of headphones with my laptop and not have the issue of forgetting a pair again.

I think that will be a new part of my routine. Getting breakfast at Perkins and blogging / doing my computer chores while I eat and enjoy my morning.

I like the new headphones. They’re a sea foam green pair of Skullcandy. That’s my preferred brand for headphones. I always seem to have really good luck with them.

Monday I worked again. It was going great until the nurse I was working with called a patient to come in early. We had an open chair and she wanted to try to squeeze someone in since we had the time. That royally fucked everything up for later in the day. We talked about it in a meeting at work today, so I don’t think that mistake will happen again. That particular RN is not my favorite one, and she’s about to go on maternity leave, so, yeah, hopefully, it was a one time only sort of situation.

I went to the dojo after work. It wasn’t my best session but the move being taught was pretty advanced and I have never done the basic version. I did three rounds of sparring. I got tapped out once with an arm bar.

Once class ended and I bowed out I went home to shower then headed over to Big Bad’s for the evening.

It was amazing. It was everything I needed it to be and more. I woke up this morning, slightly tired, but fully restored and recharged. I remember waking up as Big Bad was getting ready for the gym. He leaned over the bed and kissed me goodbye saying he would be back soon and for me to go back to sleep.

I did and when next I woke he was tickling my feet and asking if I wanted coffee and a bagel for breakfast.

We ate and chatted for a bit before he went to shower, leaving me on my own to finish my coffee.

I like how he’s comfortable enough with me to leave me unattended in his home. I like how I’m comfortable enough to feel at peace with the solitude he gives me.

I like how we both sleep well next to each other.

Needless to say, the day started off well. We parted ways with a final kiss goodbye. I came home and showered. I curled up with Scarlet for a bit but, eventually, I did start laundry.

I went to Perkins again for breakfast. I had my new headphones this time so I was able to do more with my music providing me with a buffer from the world.

I ended up getting a phone call from one of my former classmates which turned into an hour long conversation. It usually does with her. It was a good conversation but by the time I was able to get off the phone my phone was almost dead, my laptop was dead, and I still had things I wanted to do before going to training at the gym or the mandatory meeting I had to make an appearance at for work. So, alas, blogging had to be saved for later once again.

I’ve been pretty productive today, actually. Training went well. I was tired and sore by the end of it. My trainer said she pushed me pretty hard today. I’m glad. I told her I liked it and that I felt good. She was pleased with my response so we’ll see how next week goes.

I was able to shower real quick before dashing off to make it to my clinic in time for the meeting.

Most of the time, at least with my former work, meetings are pointless, useless, wastes of time.

This meeting was actually productive and it was awesome having the whole team together in one room since we all work different days. My boss put it wonderfully when he said, “We’re unprofessional professionals.”

We don’t take ourselves too seriously but when it’s time to get stuff done we don’t cut corners and we do our best.

Well, nothing says that like being rated 4 out of 5 stars by CMS. Yeah. Go us! Especially for a ‘downtown’ clinic… you know, the ones that are supposed to suck and be the worst of the worst.

No. Fuck that shit. We’re actually one of the best and I feel a large part of that is because the team is amazing.

We had a patient from out of town last week. It’s not uncommon. We call them “visitors”, and we always do our best to make sure they feel welcome at our clinic. This particular visitor called the customer service line and left a review of our clinic. He said he had an amazing experience and mentioned three technicians specifically who made his visit so positive.

I was one of the names he mentioned in his review.

Me. Miss “I’ve only been doing this for two months on my own”. I made such an impression he was able to remember my name. It made me blush and get super shy to hear my name being read off of the printed paper in my FA’s hands.

It’s a good feeling and I’m trying to allow myself to embrace it rather than letting my Evil Voice tell me that I don’t deserve praise or recognition.

While we were at the meeting, pins were passed out.

Fun, Team, Service Excellence, Continuous Improvement, Integrity, Accountability, Fulfillment.

Those are the seven core values of DaVita and at the meeting, pins were given out to teammates who exemplified those values. I received the pins for Team and Continuous Improvement. Those were two more moments where I, again, blushed and got super shy. Not going to lie, I got teary eyed, too, but so did some of my other team members so I was ok with my reaction. We’re all touchy feely people and it’s nice to be part of a group who’s ok with showing emotions.

There was food and cake at the meeting. Once it was over I was basically forced to take food home, so I not only got an extra two hours on my time card today, I got free dinner along with it.

I came back home and have finished with most of my chores. Just one load of laundry to do while I watch the most recent episode of Game of Thrones. Then it’s off to sleep so I can go to work in the morning. I go in at 4 am so I should be able to go home around 5ish.

I was nominated for a blogging award by Ally. I have Thursday off so maybe I’ll be able to write then. If not, then Sunday I’ll make time for it. I applied for and was approved for, a credit card with 0% APR. I’m hoping to transfer my current balance to the new card which will save me $150 in interest each month.

I don’t like the idea of transferring balances all over the place. It seems sort of dodgy to me. Like I’m being underhanded or something. There are mixed feelings about it because at the same time I don’t like the idea of bleeding out money on interest.

K, the friend Warren met online who’s been going to kickboxing with me, may end up moving in with us. She came over and looked at the apartment on Sunday. That would make my total monthly apartment expense around $325. That’s a lot more manageable than the $500+ I was looking at with just Warren and myself.

Anywho. I’m all written out. I want to eat, watch my show, then call it a night.

Today has been a good day and last night was a good night. I think I like the routines I’m forming. I think I’ll be ok with the coming schedule if I’m able to recharge as fully as I was able to last night and today.