Daily Post 178: First Nursing Test


I had my first nursing test today. I made a 92. We started talking about coping and stress and learning styles once the test was done.

It was a good class. Better than some of the previous ones.

I stopped at Walmart to do minor shopping while I was out. I managed to go through the whole day and only had half a cigarette twice with Ox. One compared to the five at work yesterday. The headache I had for most of the afternoon I think comes from withdrawals because of that.

I used the Ninja Foodi to cook a brisket tonight. It turned out amazing. Super tender. I have a few containers of leftovers.

I worked on the assignments for unit 2 when I got home. Ox came over and we did one of the Darebee exercises. I cross-stitched after dinner. I’ve made my to-do list. My lunch is packed.

I hurt and I’m lonely and I miss mom and that’s kind of where I’ve been at all day. I wish Ox and I could sleep together. I miss hearing him breath next to me. I miss knowing that he’s there and I’m not alone. I know I’m not but it feels like it right now and that sucks.

Today’s a low day even though good things happened.

It will get better. I need to give myself time for the hurt to fade away.

“Hello, Grief, my ever-present companion. Won’t you sit with me until the thought of standing isn’t quite so painful? We can talk, you and I. I am sure one day we will eventually figure this out, this moving forward thing, but for now, my body and soul ache and I can go no further tonight. Instead, please sit with me within the landscape of my mind, our shoulders touching, and let me mourn for the things I can no longer have. “


Daily Post 177: Back and Forth


I didn’t write yesterday. Totally broke my writing streak which WordPress we so kind enough to inform me about. I wrote for three days in a row. I know… Mind blown, right? It’s been forever, eons, since I’ve carved out time to write for three consecutive days.

I was a little sad that I didn’t write last night but yesterday was a pretty BS day at work. I was still tired from Friday. Last night wasn’t a very good night to write. It would have been doom and gloom so instead, I kept all of that to myself and eventually went to sleep.

Even Ox said I looked tired yesterday morning, which is saying something since he’s seen me at 3 am for over a year and a half now. He’s seen good and he’s seen rough. I guess yesterday was a “rougher” looking sort of day. The kittens have been waking me up during the night which doesn’t help anything.

Today didn’t seem like it was starting out much better, but luckily it did turn into a decent day; another one where I’m able to write.

After giving up on sleeping in due to the kittens being awake and ready to play, I got up and started plucking away at my to-do list. I hadn’t finished meal planning the night before, so that’s where I started once I had made a cup of coffee. I spent a fair amount of time looking up new recipes to try as well. I got the shopping list figured out. I cleaned out my email inbox. I went through my physical “in box”, too. It’s been forever since I’ve done that and I could tell with how much time it took for me to sift through everything.

Ox called to let me know he was on his way over. He brought me a Cotton Candy Bang. Lifesaver. We talked for a while. I explained how I was feeling and why I thought I was feeling that way. He and I haven’t been able to spend nearly as much time together as what we’ve become accustomed to. Part of that is due to me having the apartment and the kittens and staying over here more. Part of it is having the kids for the past four weekends in a row. There’s the two months previous where I worked a billion hours…

It just seems like we don’t get much “us” time right now and that chips away at my feeling of connectedness. I also felt like there was this crush of things to do. I only have today before going back to work. Only today to plan and prep and do errands all while trying to make time for school and my tests and assignments.

You know… it would be nice to feel like I have a bit of time for myself, too…

Ox and I ended up spending most of the day together. He was supportive of me and asked every so often how I was doing. He encouraged me when I voiced that I was getting tired. “We’re almost done.” “Only one more stop, then no more people for the rest of the day. 🙂 “

It started with both of us sitting and doing our Darebee workout. Yep. Sitting. Today we did reps of flutter kicks. Nothing crazy intense and I think we were both ok with that.

Ox went back to the house while I finished up some chores at the apartment. I showered, gathered up my stuff, and went to the house to have breakfast with the family. After eating, Ox and I went into town. We tried to find a keto-specific cookbook for the Ninja at Barns and Noble but they didn’t have it. I might have to bite the bullet and order it from Amazon without skimming through it. There was a book for the InstantPot which I might go back and get. There were some nifty recipes in it.

We got gas for the car since I’ll be driving back and forth to Beatrice a lot this week. We poked around a few groceries stores, price checking brisket since that’s the recipe I’m going to be trying out on Tuesday. Eventually, we made our way to Walmart to finish up the shopping and then headed home. I was ready to be done being out. I still had what felt like a mildly overwhelming list of things to do; most important being my school assignments.

We went back to the apartment first to finish up chores and to unload the apartment specific items. I set some chicken to marinate so later I could cook my lunches for the week. Ox and I spent some time with the kittens then headed over to the house. I picked up some things from there, including my flashcards for chapter 4 and 5 then came back to the apartment… lots of back and forth today… Glad the apartment and house are only a few blocks apart.

I studied for a bit then took my second test. I’m waiting for the essay question to be graded. At the moment I’m sitting at a 90 for this test. I’m hoping it gets bumped up a little higher. I replied to the discussion post for my other class as well, so all of those assignments are now complete. I cooked some salmon burgers to have as additional meals/snacks for the week then headed over to the house once again, taking my marinated chicken with me.

Tonight I tried cooking a beef stir fry using a seasoning packet from McCormick along with using new noodles I found. Zero Pasta. They’re interesting. I think we’re going to try using them again this weekend for spaghetti. We have the kids again and that’s one of the go-to meals since we know Lil’ Ox will eat it. Sort of sucks for the rest of us though since we’re all on the low carb train. I’m hoping these noodles help with that issue.

The stir fry itself wasn’t bad but both Ox and I agree that it was pretty bland. It was worth trying out but I think I’ll stick to my own stir fry mix. Before starting on dinner for the family, I preheated the oven so my chicken could cook at the same time. Hooray multitasking. I also made a batch of guacamole to go with my burgers since the blender is at the house rather than the apartment. That’s one of the downsides to living in two places; what you need is always at the other place. XD

I cleaned up the kitchen a bit. Ran the dishwasher. Put away the leftover then made the decision to stay and stitch for a bit. That was probably one of the best parts of my day. Sitting on the bed with Ox next to me, playing his video game with both of us listening to Black Clover. It’s a super simple thing, but it was so… nice. Quiet. Unrushed.

I’m almost done with the cross stitch I’m working on. That’s another thing that’s been nice; eking out time more often than not to work on it. Even if I only get 30ish minutes in, at least I made a little bit of progress. I took a little bit of time to do something for me, next to Ox, away from textbooks and work and chores and obligations.

This is the first full week of using my new to-do list system. I’m still tweaking it a little, but overall I’m pleased with it. I suppose I can get into that later. For now, I’m going to go. It’s getting late and I have work in the morning.

Daily Post 176: Survived the Day


It’s later than I would like, mostly because I’ve been messing around on my phone. I’ll get to that, though.

Today started sort of rough. I woke up in the middle of a REM cycle. Never fun. I was dreaming this morning. I was dreaming about my cousin who I haven’t seen since mom died. In the dream, my uncle was being mean to her. We were at my grandfather’s house. He had already died and we, the family, were there to figure out what to do with all of his things. I remember looking at a knife collection but my uncle was getting upset because he didn’t want us messing with any of the objects in the house.

Eventually, I got tired of my uncle’s attitude and I confronted him.

That’s when I woke up to my alarm for work.

It’s an odd dream. I’ve never had a bad relationship with my uncle. My grandfather never had a knife collection. I haven’t had much time to reflect on it.

Since I was in the middle of dreaming, I woke up tired and was never really able to shake that feeling. I made it through my day at Cap City. I smoked more than I have since I went to the ER. Much lame. Tomorrow will be better in that regard.

I was able to leave work 30 minutes earlier than I thought I would. Woo. I went to the home improvement store to get another bracket for my window shelf. Ox mentioned that it was sagging a touch in the middle so it seemed like a good idea to pick one up. I had to drive past the store to go home anyway. Might as well stop while I’m out. I ran in and spent a bit of time gathering up supplies that I wanted for my “coat rack” pot/pan hanger then headed to the apartment.

Ox was here waiting for me. He put up the third bracket for the shelf while I paid bills and researched a few things. I got $500 out of my $800 discount for health insurance. It would be cool if I could get the other $300. That’s been part of tonight being a late-ish night… I was looking into all of the options I have for that.

Ox and I did our Darebee challenge. Go, team! We already discussed tomorrow’s challenge. Since it’s Ox’s birthday, he gets the kids. He said we can still do the challenge but it will have to be later in the evening after the kids have gone back to their mom. I’m ok with that. I’m grateful he’s willing to do it at all.

Ox and I spent a bunch of time in the bedroom with the kittens, too. While we were there he quizzed me with my flashcards. By then it was around 7 pm.

I’ve been looking at the App Store for a good yoga app. I think I found one I’m going to try. While I was poking around, I found a rainstorm app that I’m going to try out tonight, too.

I didn’t cook the stir fry like I wanted to. I was pretty dead after work. I heated up leftovers not too long ago. I’ve been trying to catch up on my water intake, too.

Tomorrow I work at my clinic. Finally. I haven’t been there since Monday. The schedule for the last two weeks of September came out, but there are already several changes that are going to be made to it so… yeah… I doubt what I have is going to be what I actually end up working. It’s frustrating. I wish I had a consistent schedule. : /

But, yeah… not a whole lot to write about since not a whole lot happened. Got to spend some alone time with Ox which is always nice. Got some stuff taken care of. Sort of not looking forward to work but that’s because I’m still tired from this morning.

I guess I should go for now so I can get to sleep.

Daily Post 171: Catching Up


Today is my first day off in a while. And I say that after having both days off this past weekend…

It feels like my life is mostly work right now. I pulled 66 hours not long ago. The previous weeks were most likely in the 40 – 50 range. Some days I only have to worry about a 4-hour meeting, so they’re not 12 hour long days, but I am consistently doing 4 to 6 days each week. It wears on you after a while. It makes me appreciate my time off and it makes me super worried and anxious about having “down” days during that brief time because that’s the only time I have to get stuff done. I don’t have time to be “down”.

Which is pretty fucked up if you think about it. I’m basically saying I don’t have time to process through my emotions. I don’t have time to be tired. I don’t have time to recover. I only have time to do the things I need to do to make sure I can keep going on all the days I work since I don’t have time to do chores/errands on those days. I only have enough time to keep up.

What’s even more fucked up is I do this to myself. >.<;

Anyway, today is going well. I’m in the process of trying to get stuff done. I’ve already showered and shaved so I don’t feel like Godzilla. I’ve had a good breakfast. I’ve chatted with a few friends that I haven’t talked with in a while. I even made it to the gym to do a Tabata workout that I survived, if just barely. I didn’t do as well as I would have about a year ago, but I stayed for the whole thing AND was able to walk out, on my own, down the stairs, without falling on my face. Go me. I’m a fucking badass. /flex

I finally stepped on the scale again this morning. I’ve been dreading that. Still where I was. No weight gain. No weight loss. I’m ok with that.

I’m still sitting here at the gym. I’ve been plucking away at my email and paying bills and student loans since I dropped my A&P class. Those are due a few more times before the LPN program starts at the end of August.

There’s a bunch of stuff going on at work but I don’t really feel like getting into it too much. Mostly I’m just wanting to type a quick post to let the Universe know I’m still alive.

The tasks for today, aside from bill paying, will be ordering an L-shaped desk to use as my study center at the apartment and setting up internet so I can access my class and such once it starts. I’ve called and asked about my class books. Since I’m registered at the Beatrice campus I’m not sure if I’m limited to getting my books only from that bookstore or if I could swing by the Lincoln campus and retrieve them. It would be convenient to get them while I’m in town today. Otherwise, I’m not sure when I would be able to pick them up. I’m at work too late to do it while I’m down there and I don’t have any days off in the near future other than Sundays and they’re not open Sundays.

Blarg. So yeah… Not a whole lot going on aside from work. Things have been fairly stable. The apartment is going well. Ox and I are doing well. I’ve been approved for vacation the week before school starts so I’m planning on taking a trip down to Orlando to see John and Mother Earth and a few other people. I think it will be a nice break before school begins and to recover from all of the overtime I’ve been pulling.

I might be moving from a PCT 1 position to a PCT 2 position. Basically, it just means that I’ve been doing this for a while and am a senior member of the team. There’s also a float position being created that I’ve expressed interest in since I feel I’m unofficially filling that role already. I have expressed concerns over it to my FA and she’s looking into it since it would change things in the clinic. I don’t want to lose her as my manager. I like working with her and I like Beatrice being my home.

I feel like I’m rambling with no real direction.

I guess I feel better today because I’ve been able to sleep well the past few nights and I’ve been able to take the time I need for self-care. I’m not all doom and gloom because I feel like I’m able to take some time to breathe and be with myself doing the things I want to do. It’s a nice feeling.

We’ll see how things play out. So far today is a good day and I’m grateful for that.

Daily Post 170: The Post-Work Feelz


I just got out of work.

It was a day…

And by “it was a day” I mean I got there at 3:45 because I was listed as C2. Census 2. That means as far as how this clinic breaks up tasks, I was supposed to set up the floor. I needed to put out needle packs and treatment sheets and dialysers and string the machines. And today was the day after they bleached the loop, so all of the machines had to be tested for residual bleach so bad shit won’t happen because while bleach is amazing, it’s not amazing inside of your body; specifically inside your bloodstream.

Add to that the knowledge that the new tech, the one I actually don’t really like because she has an avoidance issue when it comes to doing pretty much anything in the clinic, was supposed to open the water room post disinfect…

If somethings going to go wrong it’s going to go wrong this morning, so yeah. I’m going to get there early and work off the clock until 4:15 when I clocked in, because we need to be ahead of schedule for when shit hits the fan… like it did.

There was an issue with the bicarb she mixed. Conductivity on the machines wouldn’t come up. Not a fun way to start the morning.

We recovered. In the grand scheme of things, having to remake bicarb isn’t all that awful. The morning mellowed out after that. Change over wasn’t horrific. I got to dip out 30 minutes early. But even leaving early puts me at less than 12 hours before I have to be awake to get to my own clinic on time for another full day with a nurse from a different clinic who doesn’t know our machines or patients… Less than 12 hours before another rough day where I keep everything afloat… at least that’s what it feels like. I’m the “go-to” person. I’m the one everyone thanks for my hard work.

It would be nice to not be that person right now.

I don’t know why today rubs at the inside of my brain so much, but it does. I’m glad it’s over. I don’t have to go back to that clinic until Wednesday.

My own clinic’s TTS second shift is pretty much full. It’s good in that I can now get all of my hours at my own clinic. Sucky because there are no longer “easy” or “light” days. All days have a changeover and the one for TTS needs to be looked at. I already told my FA that it’s on the borderline of undoable with how patient off and on times are working out. Everything has to run perfect and that’s not how life goes. We need more of a buffer between events or another person on the floor, which won’t happen because there’s such a push on labor hours right now from upper management.

The coming weeks will be more telling, as far as the schedule goes. I’m expecting to have to have some super sucky days before anything changes. The change has to be justified because running behind 30 minutes when there were three of us on the floor wasn’t proof enough. /sigh

Anyway… I guess there really isn’t a whole lot to write about which is sort of sad.

I baked 250 muffins for the patients at all three of my clinics over the past two days. That was fulfilling, though at midnight on Wednesday I was wondering what I had gotten myself into and pretty sure that muffins would be listed as my cause of death. I really was up that late baking, and I still didn’t get all of it done. I had to finish it up Thursday afternoon.

It’s already spread around through the region that I did this “amazing” thing. One of my coworkers today joked about me getting employee of the year to which my reply was “please don’t punish me like that ;-; “

I didn’t bake muffins for special recognition. I don’t want an award or to be called out. I want to stay in the background and to be left alone to do my job. I know it sucks for my patients to come to dialysis on a holiday. So I made them a healthy protein muffin that they could have to celebrate the day in a special way. I didn’t do anything miraculous. Anyone could have baked muffins. And they’re just muffins. I mostly sat around waiting to take them out of the oven and wondering why I was too cheap to buy a second cupcake pan because holy fuck that would have made my life so much easier.

Don’t make it sound like I went to the moon and back because I didn’t. I baked muffins because that’s what I wanted to do. It’s how I wanted to spend my day… sort of. Day… not night and next day, but that’s what the project turned into, so that’s what I did. I had to see it to the end. Hell or high water.

Blah… I don’t want it to turn into a big deal but I feel like maybe it already has. Part of the introvert in me wishes I could undo it. The rest of me, the me who got to see all the smiles and hear all the compliments about how awesome the muffins turned out… that me doesn’t give a fuck about what anyone says or who gets emailed about me being an overachiever. It was worth it to make a bright spot in my patients’ day.

Ox and I are doing alright. The apartment is going ok. Still no internet. So much sad. ;-;

Maybe I’m too burnt out to really appreciate writing right now. I’m sitting at a Slim Chickens with food in front of me, ignoring it as I favor typing more than eating. I have to go across the street to Costco for gas. I figured food and internet would be a nice way to try to decompress from work, but I don’t think it’s really working all that much. I have my headphones in, making my own little bubble in the world as I try to type through this internal frustration and… anger? Maybe that’s what it is?

Why anger?

Maybe because Jon tried calling me while I was at work. I called me once I had clocked out but by then he had company over and wanted to chat later. I want to talk to mom, but I can’t. The closest I can get to that is talking to Jon and he didn’t want to talk. It sucks.

I want to work only at my clinic and not have to worry about covering at one I don’t like with sub-par people who make the day harder than it should be. I’m sort of angry that I’m scheduled to close said clinic I don’t like only to turn around at have to be at my own clinic super early in the morning. What the hell? How is that even fair? Did you not see what you were doing when you were making the schedule? How the hell am I supposed to get sleep inbetween those shifts?

This is one of those moments where I know I’m tired. I know I’m tired and I should just go to sleep because I’m so out of care that I just want the world to burn to ash around me.

When I ask myself “Is it worth it?” My answer is no. I don’t care. I’ve spent my entire day caring and so now I’m done. I have no more care left. The only thing I care about is being able to cry to let it all go and I can’t even bring myself to do that because that requires more effort then I can give.

I want someone to say that they understand that it sucks. That it hurts. That it’s not fair.

I want understanding but the person I want to understand can’t talk back to me. She can’t answer the phone. She can’t sit across from me at the table I’m sitting at. She can’t be here and that sucks. It sucks and it makes me angry.

Maybe that’s where it all started today… One of my patients was saying how he was grateful he was alive and how he is turning 63 and blessed. He’s older than my mom was when she died. It’s just fucking unfair sometimes. And I have to be understanding and supportive while I ache and hurt over a comment that wasn’t meant the way I took it.

It just… fucking sucks sometimes… And right now is one of those sometimes.

I miss you, mom. I’m still doing well. I’m doing so much at work and involved in so many things. I know you are proud of the difference I’m making. I love you. I guess I just need you to know that right now.

I love you and I miss you. I hope you’re doing well where ever you are. I hope you’re doing awesome things, too. I hope when we get to see each other again that we’ll both have tons of stories to tell each other. Good ones. Bad ones. Frustrating ones. Silly ones. Ones that make us laugh and cry and beam with pride and nod in understanding because yeah that might have been a mistake but we’re all human and as long as you learned from it that’s the important thing.

You’re still the best, mom. The best listener. The best confidant. The best perspective. The best. There’s still no one who can replace you and while I’m grateful for that, it still sucks. It sucks because I wish you were here. I wish I could hear you, listen to you, hug you.

I’m sorry it hurts today, mom. I’m pretty sure it hurts you, too, when I’m like this and I don’t mean for it to be that way. I’ll be ok. I’ll get better in a few days. I’m pretty sure what I need right now is to have a really good cry and to go to sleep for 16 hours.

Maybe I’ll be able to do that Sunday. Maybe that’s what I can give myself to look forward to. I can get everything done Saturday so I can sleep Sunday away; staying in pjs all day and not having to interact with people or do things. Just me and myself and solitude and maybe Ox and maybe a movie where we cuddle together again and enjoy being together since we don’t get that very often anymore.

Thanks for listening to me, mom. I feel better for writing to you. I still want to cry, but it feels like when I do actually do it, it will be a clean cry; a healing cry.

I’ll talk to you later, mom. I love you. Forever and for always.

Daily Post 169: Contemplating School


Written a few days ago. Not sure when.
All my days blur together at the moment.

I won’t really have a whole lot of time to write, and I did that to myself.

I talked to our RN for over an hour this morning. It was a good conversation. We don’t really get a lot of time to talk about patients and the clinic and ideas we have or concerns that are bothering us. It was a good talk. I feel like the whole team would benefit from having a “team lunch” or dinner or something where we can all get together in a non-work atmosphere and just… talk.

Anyway, the main point of this particular writing is to figure out a few things within my own head. Mostly about school and work and the combination of the two.

Since both me and our new tech are in the LPN program, we’re both going to be unable to be at the clinic on Tuesdays. That means someone is going to have to float in every other week since my FA has meetings in Omaha she has to be at every other Tuesday.

I don’t think our new tech is going to make it through the program. It’s nothing against her… It’s just a feeling and I’m not the only one who feels that way.

While I have these feelings, I also don’t want to leave my clinic screwed and so I’ve been wondering if going to school right now is the best option. Not that I would give up on it completely. I could take a single course. Microbiology or something like that. One of the prerequisite classes for the RN program which I still might continue on to after LPN.

I don’t think I’m fond of the idea of being in the same classes as this tech. I don’t want to be her study buddy. I don’t want to help her get through the program when I’m having to focus on getting myself through it at the same time. I don’t want the stress of worrying about her, but she’s my co-worker, so if I’m not supportive in her requests for help then I’m sort of being a dick.

I could just avoid all of that potential stress and switch to the Lincoln campus or hold off on the program itself for a bit longer.

I still have the issue of not really wanting to be a nurse. I want to be helpful to the clinic and my team. That means an additional degree…

But does it really?

For the next three weeks, since the new schedule came out yesterday, one of my five days is a meeting rather than working on the floor. This coming week will be the first VAM meeting. I asked my FA about it but she really didn’t have a whole lot of information to give me. She thinks it’s more of a brainstorming thing where we solidify what we as a region are going to do to establish consistency between clinics. Knowing I don’t have to have skills checked off or tasks completed before this meeting helps alleviate some of the stress over it. I still don’t like how much of an unknown it is, though. Sort of feels like I’ll be walking into it blind. I’ve never been to a “meeting” before. I sat in on one of the FHM meetings before, but I never really participated in one. I don’t know how to be prepared and that’s annoying inside my brain. Like sandpaper.

What if I get asked questions that I don’t know the answer to? What type of questions will there be? Are there even going to be questions? Who’s going to be there? What should I wear? I know where it is and how long it will be but that’s about all I know. Oh. And that my FA will be there. Arg. >.<

So that’s one of my days. The week after that will be the first PCT Advisory Committee meeting. I’m looking forward to that one. The week after that is my DSS class. Also looking forward to that.

I’m covering several days at our sister clinic along with covering days at Beatrice. We’re up to 11 patients on TTS. That’s almost a full two shifts. Gone are the days of easy days; early days.

If I’m working four and five days out of the week, or the 66 hours I pulled last week… when am I supposed to study so I can be successful and pass my classes?

I don’t really have an answer for that and I don’t think anyone else does either.

Do I want school?

Yes… I’m pretty sure yes. I got the apartment so I could be successful with school. I worked to get all my ducks in a row so I could be accepted into the program in the first place.

Realistically, my leadership class ends before school begins so I will no longer have to worry about reading a book read and completing assignments before the next meeting. The PCT thing meets every three months, so I don’t think that’s going to be as big a deal time wise. I don’t know what the VAM thing means for me work-wise…

I’ve been working for a while to get to this point, to get to the start of this program; to get accepted into this program. Do I want to back out of it right before it starts?

No. Not really. I’ve already told a lot of people that I was accepted into the program. A lot of people are looking forward to me having a broader scope of practice. I’m looking forward to achieving something other than a job. I think I’m ready for that.

In the beginning, it was “I need employment and I want it in the medical field”. That was my goal after mom died. I got that. I had to get my CCHT for the company so I could keep working since that’s a requirement with CMS and stuff. So I did that. I’ve achieved things within the company like becoming an expert cannulator.

LPN will be the first big, personally-driven, professional step since mom died. It will be the longest goal I’ve worked towards since her death. I’ve gotten better about setting short term goals and reaching them. But this one will span about a year and a half. It’s going to stretch through winter which was extremely hard for me to get through last year here in Nebraska.

I don’t have unshakable faith in myself that I will WANT to get through the program enough to actually do it. I know I’m smart enough to, but do I have the will to get through the hard times? And that’s a question I don’t really have an answer to.

There’s a handful of short term benefits if I back out of school, but is that really the smarter of the two options?

Having slept on it, I don’t think it is. I don’t think I should let someone else deter me from moving forward; especially when the general vibe is that she’s not going to make it. Why allow my time table to be pushed back when I could start now and keep going and finish it by the end of next year?

I guess looking at it like that, in terms of do I want school verses do I want to be a nurse, my answer is yes. Yes. I want to go back to school. Yes. I want to prove to myself that I can do this even if it’s painful. I want to know that I am healing and that I have made progress with and in my grief to be able to think about and plan for mildly future-oriented things. Not only plan and think about them but achieve them as well.

I want to do this. I want to show my coworkers that they’re right in believing in me.

I guess I really should start believing in myself again. Maybe that’s really what I’ve sort of lost through all of this. This constant feeling of being broken makes me question my ability a lot more than I think I used to.

I’m not sure. But I do think that’s one of the issues I need to look at and ponder on. Why do I have such a hard time believing in my self right now when other people have no doubt?

Daily Post 168: Work Update


I suppose now is a good time to write about work since I’m sitting at a desk in a very nice, overly nice, hotel room getting ready to go to bed so I can cover a shift at a clinic I’ve never been in before.

I’m working five days a week for the next forever. I did that to myself. I won’t be able to pick up overtime much while I’m in school. At least, I have the feeling that I won’t want to pick it if I don’t have to.

I also have the expense of the apartment I need to recover from. The security deposit was $450. I still would like to get internet over there. I had to buy an air mattress so I could sleep. I bought a set of Pryx glass baking dishes from Goodwill along with some baking sheets since I needed things to cook with. Silverware so I could eat. Things like that.

I still would like to buy a few things for the apartment, which are additional expenses that only money can help facilitate. I know the apartment is a temporary living arrangement. But a year, maybe a year and a half which would be the length of school, is still a decent amount of time. I want it to feel like my space. Safe. Structured. Organized. Clean.

I want it to be mostly how I want it. I doubt I’ll paint the walls or anything super personal like that. But I would like for the pots to have a place to go other than the top of the stove. The kitchen doesn’t have a lot of space so that’s something I need to work on in the coming weeks; making the limited space I do have a bit more usable.


Yeah. I’m looking at 50+ hour work weeks for a while.

Also, State will be at my clinic to do surveys this coming Monday. Originally, our new tech was supposed to work that day while I covered a shift at one of our sister clinics. I offered to trade shifts with her so I would be the one being surveyed since she’s still so new to the world of dialysis. She was on board with the idea. Not that I’m stoked about being scrutinized, but I feel it’s the kind thing to do for the newest member of our team.

So that’s going on.

The TTS shifts are going well. We’re getting two new patients soon, so those days are no longer going to be super short. That’s both good and bad. Good because both New Tech and I will be able to get all of our hours at our home clinic. Bad, because short days are really nice. ;-;

I applied for and was accepted, to be part of a PCT Advisory Committee for our region. The hope is to find solutions for issues with teammate retention, work/life balance, and, in general, making the PCT experience less hellish and more sustainable. Unlike being surveyed… I AM totally stoked for the committee’s first meeting which is in July. This is something I’m super passionate about; making life suck less for my teammates. Totally willing to fight this battle. I WANT to fight that battle. The people I work with are too awesome to not also be able to live their lives and be with their families.

I will also begin training to be the Vascular Access Manager for my clinic. My FA actually called me and talked to me about that. She said she knew I had a lot on my plate. I’m still working through the leadership class. I’m now part of the committee. I’m about to begin school. Not to mention my crazy 50 hour work weeks…

I’ve wanted to be the VAM for our clinic pretty much since I found out it was something within my scope to do. It’s fallen to the wayside in lue of more immediately important things. We didn’t “need” a VAM since my FA was covering everything. Since I didn’t “have” to do the VAM training, I took the CNA course for school instead among other things which I’m sure I could think of if I tried to think back hard enough.

I feel honored that my FA trusts me enough to delegate this role to me. It shows a lot of trust on her part and I’m grateful for it. Since it’s a role I’ve wanted I’m not upset about having another thing added to my plate. I’m looking forward to it. I just don’t know when all of that is going to begin. Sometime soon I’m sure. Most likely after this whole survey/audit thing.

Work went well today. New RN and I work really well together. I was able to deep clean all of the machines and chairs on the floor except for the stuff in ISO. I’ll get that on Thursday when I’m back at my clinic. Well… I mean… I’m there Wednesday, but it will be easier to do it Thursday so that’s the game plan I’m going with. I’ll most likely end up transferring the acid batch that I made last week on Wednesday instead.

The apartment has helped a lot with allowing me the time and space to recover from my days. I actually made it to the gym three times last week. Three. What the fuck, right? It feels like that’s more than what I’ve done in the past six months. I know that’s not true, but that doesn’t change how it feels.

I don’t know if there is a gym here at the hotel. The receptionist wasn’t the most friendly of people. I guess I interrupted her idle phone time. My bad… I’m pretty tired as it is. Driving up here to Florence was rougher than I thought it would be. Since it’s so close to Omaha, traffic sucked. There was also construction.

Much lame + Suckage /= Relaxing Drive

I’ve already driven to the clinic I’m covering at, so I know how to get there in the morning. That makes tomorrow morning seem less stressful.

I did forget to bring a Bang with me. Tomorrow will be the saddest of mornings. ;-;

At least the hotel room has a coffee maker I can use to limp by with.

Regardless of being Bang-less, I’m looking forward to being at a new clinic and getting to meet more of my fellow teammates and new patients. It’s a short day, ending around 10:30 or 11ish. I’ll get to drive home and be there around noon. I’ll be able to go to my own gym and maybe even cross stitch a bit tomorrow. I started a new pattern a few days ago. Which reminds me… I most likely didn’t post any of the ones I’ve completed since the year started…

The new one is a really small, simple pattern. I’m already almost halfway done with it. I think I’m going to do that for a bit; small projects so I can feel accomplished with getting little things done.

And with that, I guess I’ll go for now.

Things are going well. Busy, but well.