Letters to Mom 026: Graduation Day

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Today has been a day full of events, mom.

I graduated from my leadership class today. One day after the three year five month mark of your death. I know the halfway mark is coming up. It’s eating at me, building inside me. I know I’m letting it but I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t know how to not think about it or be aware of it.

I know on the outside graduating from this class might not seem like much of an accomplishment, but it signifies the end of an obligation I agreed to. I finished something. I stuck it out to the end. That hurts. Completion hurts. People were/are happy for me. My FA gave me a hand made gift with my personal credo on it. I got an amazing sweater. There was a plaque created with all sorts of words used to describe me from my fellow classmates.

I found out that I’m going to be writing an article about my journey with the company so far; an article which will be published in the Tech Talk newsletter which gets sent to EVERY PCT in the company. A few thousand people are going to be reading about me in my middle of nowhere clinic.

I hurt right now, mom. I miss you. I talked about you in my “About Me” presentation that I had to do for this final class. I’ve been having anxiety over it for months, since the first class where we found out about this ending presentation. I knew I had to talk about you. Your death has been such a catalyst for everything in my life since that event. I couldn’t NOT talk about you.

I told my class at the beginning of my presentation that life is often much like a heartbeat. There are ups and then there are downs and that my presentation was going to have a really big down, but that it would get positive again and that I needed them to stay with me through the hard section because in the end, it did get better.

I told them about my most senior hobby, cross-stitching, and how you and mama taught me how to do it and that realistically I have been stabbing things for 20+ years. I told them about Jason and Jon and the relationship I have with them. I told them about you. About how you were an RN. About how you got sick and didn’t get better and how I felt so lost after your death. I told them about how I started seeing a therapist because I knew I wasn’t equipped to handle everything that was going on in my life.

I talked about how I eventually found what I wanted my purpose to be; helping others and how DaVita was the first company to give me that chance. I talked about how in a mere two and a half years I’ve grown from absolutely no experience to being a PCT2 expert cannulator, the VAM for my clinic, a DSS graduate, PCT Advisory Committee member, and a future preceptor who is attending nursing school with a tentative goal of becoming a clinical coordinator.

I’ve come a really long way, mom. I know you’re proud of me. Thank you, for everything. For loving me. For listening to me. For supporting me. For believing in me.

I’m trying to believe in myself. I’m trying to be patient with myself. Understanding. Empathetic.

I’m allowed to feel sad when I accomplish things. I’m allowed to let sadness have its time; its moment. It’s allowed to be part of the journey and process.

I’ll try to be better tomorrow, but I don’t think I’ll really start feeling better until the weekend. Tomorrow I work. I have to be around people. This weekend I don’t have to. I can be alone and sad and work through all of these emotions that I haven’t really been able to because I keep myself too busy with Life.

I love you, mom. I just wanted you to know that, and to know that I did another thing. I took another step forward and I’m glad I did even though right now it hurts. I’ll talk to you again soon. Maybe one of these days I’ll be able to do it without tears.

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Daily Post 172: A Day of Self-Care

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It’s 8:12 as I sit to write this. I have to be up at 2:30. I’m ok with cutting into my sleep, though. It’s the first time in a while where my ability to write overlaps with my will to write. I want to take advantage of it while I can.

I finally have internet at the apartment. Woo! That means I have the ability to write and post in the same sitting. I can pay bills online while staying in my pjs. I can look up new recipes while I sip at my cup of coffee. I can listen to music on my phone without cutting into my data.

It’s stupid, but it makes me happy to have it again. It’s another silly, small thing that makes me feel like an independent adult who has their shit mildly together on the outside because the inside is a lot like this…

In regards to the internet, there was a promotional offer for the first three months free with this particular internet provider. There was also a referral program I could take advantage of since it’s the same internet company Ox’s parents use. All in all, it ended up working out well for me to hold off for so long with getting it set up. It’s nice to finally have it again, though.

Work is still pretty nebulous and I don’t like that. I finally worked with my FA again yesterday. She was gone on PTO for about a week. We didn’t get a chance to talk about anything overly important yesterday; at least not the important things I was hoping to have answers to or clarification on. So I’m left working through feelings of frustration.

I’m still mildly frustrated over the PCT Advisory Committee meeting, too, but I’m coming to terms with those feelings. And since I don’t have a whole lot of time to write, right now most likely isn’t the best time to get into it.

I’ve decided for the time being to keep my head down and simply work through my schedule. That’s all that’s really required of me. I’m still doing five days a week anyway. There’s not a whole lot else I can do or give.

Ox and I had lunch today after he got off work. I’ve listened to a fair amount of the new leadership book for my class on August 5th. I bought the plane tickets and reserved a car for August 18th to the 22nd so I can visit Orlando before the LPN program starts on August 27th. I bought and assembled a new computer desk which I’m currently typing at. I like it. I think it will serve me well once school starts and once I get things put away/organized better. I ordered a gaming chair from Amazon that should be here in a few more days. Got some new cross-stitching thread ordered, too, since I didn’t have all of the colors I needed to complete the project I started. Hard to believe there are still colors I don’t have…

I did finish a small project last night, which is why I started the new one. I’ve switched my focus from larger projects to smaller ones at the moment. Since I don’t allow myself much time to stitch doing smaller patterns lets me still feel a sense of accomplishment or at least progress.

I’ve also been playing Witcher 3 for the past week. Ox set up my tv, the one I bought over a year ago and never had a place to put… He also set up my PlayStation for me while I was washing dishes at the apartment. I restarted my game… again… I’m so tired of killing this freaking griffin. >.<;

Thankfully I’m past the griffin part. I’m enjoying the game and playing and escaping from reality for a few hours at a time. I’m looking forward to sticking with it and getting to new parts that I haven’t already played. It’s also been nice to have my own little entertainment area. I hadn’t realized until just now that I haven’t had my own living room since I first moved down to Florida, what… eight years ago? Maybe nine?

The first apartment I ever had, I lived alone. After that I always had roommates and so the living room was a communal area. Realizing that fact made things feel more… real. More me. More mine and safe and like I have actually achieved something with my life so far. Maybe I’ve been making more progress than I’ve allowed myself to fully acknowledge.

Overall, today has been a low key day and I’m ok with that. I did a fair amount of self-care today. All of my chores were caught up so I could take the time to do the things I wanted to do and it was an extremely nice change of pace.

The next two days I work at the Cap City clinic, but I’m C1 which means I’ll be leaving at 1 pm at the latest. Theoretically… The Universe always loves to fuck with shit when you say it in absolutes like that.

The past two times I’ve opened the clinic things have gone smoothly. I am starting to get a feel for the workflow at that clinic and mixing bicarb doesn’t intimidate me like it used to. I’m not necessarily looking forward to my days at this clinic, but I’m not dreading them either. I know what the tasks are that I need to do as a C1. It’s a confident feeling. Stable. Self-assured. I know what I need to do and I have more faith in my ability to do it well and efficiently since I’ve had to cover so many shifts at this clinic recently.

Anywho… not a whole lot else at the moment. I know I need to write some deep, soul-searchy posts in the near future, but I don’t feel like digging that deep tonight, so it’s off to bed for me.

Daily Post 161: Still Alive

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Things are going well.

The clinic is six days a week again. We have six patients on the TTS shift so far. They’re all super nice and those days are extremely short in comparison to the MWF days. It won’t stay that way, but at the moment, TTS is super chill.

I found a kickboxing app that I’ve been using on my phone. I’ve made it to the dojo a handful of times as well. Actually, they moved to the second floor of the YMCA in Beatrice. It’s super nice. Way more space than their other location. And… if I got a YMCA membership, it would discount the dojo membership…

So I could spend $70 for the dojo, or spend $70 for the dojo and YMCA membership combined and get access to the sauna and all of the classes and the weight room and locker room and all of the Lincoln locations in addition to Beatrice…

It was a bit of a no brainer. Oh… Did I mention that the YMCA is now 24 hours, too?

With all of that taken into consideration, I’m going to be ending my Anytime Fitness membership. I still have a few months to go with it, but that’s ok.

I’ve been doing well at the dojo. I feel like I’m progressing again. I’m starting to use MyFitnessPal again to log my food, water, and exercise when I do it. I stepped on the scale not that long ago and was at 227. That’s not all that far from where I was. Maybe four pounds higher? I would have to break out the last sheet I had from my trainer, but I hadn’t hit the 220 mark. I was close, but not quite there. So I guess I didn’t gain as much as it felt like I had over winter.

Which, while we’re on the subject… I totally survived winter. Woo. Go me. Nothing else really matters in comparison since winter sucked so bad.

I made it past the three-year mark of mom’s death. The past week has been a bit rougher and I’m sure that plays into it, along with being tired with the change in work schedule. For over a year I’ve been used to working every other day. I had that buffer day inbetween working to regroup, grocery shop, sleep, whatever. I don’t have that as much now. I work tomorrow, have Tuesday off, work Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, then get the weekend. We get the kids on Thursday because it’s the Easter holiday or something special like that.

I’m most likely going to be getting a hotel room for Thursday and Friday night, that way I can stay in Beatrice, do the dojo Thursday night and not have to drive crazy far just to wake up to drive back down for a long day. Instead, I’ll have most of the day to stay in my hotel room alone to study. I’ll get to sleep in a bit Friday morning, wake up and do work, then go to the dojo again if I’m feeling up to it. I’ll get to stay in the area and have Saturday morning, again, alone to study before getting lunch and going to the dojo yet again before coming home to spend the rest of the weekend with the family.

I think it’s a good plan. Human Anatomy is no joke. It’s the first class in a while where I’m struggling just because of the sheer volume of information. I’ve gotten better about not breaking down and thinking I’m going to fail the class. I have a 94 so far with the quizzes and assignments that have been graded. The first exam unlocks tomorrow and is due by Friday. I’m planning on Thursday being my test day.

I had my first leadership class for work. It was fun and engaging. I have the new book that I “need” to start working through. They stressed that the book didn’t have to be read for the upcoming class. It’s not homework or anything, but if we could get through it that would be nice. With everything else going on in my life, knowing that if I need to cut something out I can is reassuring.

I guess that’s about it for now. I know I’ve been MIA for a while. I’ve been playing Torchlight II with Ox the past few days as a way to de-stress from studying so much. It’s been nice. I might play a bit more today or I might try to work a bit on the cross stitch that I haven’t touched in weeks. Today has been a really low key day. I know I’m not going to get many of them in the future so I’ve been enjoying it while I can. I even went so far as to take a nap. And yes. It was as amazing as it sounds.

MUSING MOMENTS 134: LFTIO – Dealing With Change

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Side note: I find it amusing that in the time line of my posting, this is the post which happens right after writing about the unexpected change of keeping the kids for a week longer than expected.

DSS Leadership – Assignment 11
Book – “Leadership from the Inside Out”



Think about the times you faced major crises or challenges. What qualities or potentialities arose?
I feel like a broken record constantly going back to the situation of mom’s death. It has been one of the most recent events in my life and by far the most self-changing.

I think back to the beginning, the phone call and how I immediately began problem solving. How would I get out there? What did I NEED to pack? Who needed to know I would be leaving for an unknown period of time? Who didn’t know about the situation within our family/friend circle and how was I going to contact them so they knew? I wrote things down so I wouldn’t forget later. I continued to try to write as a way to manage my emotions. I didn’t give myself shit for not having answers. I didn’t berate myself for not going to the gym. I praised myself for showering and cooking breakfast and actually eating it. I reminded myself that I HAD to leave the hospital during the day, when I changed shifts with my brother’s because I needed sleep. I needed to keep taking care of myself so I could be there rather than getting sick myself.

Even in the events that followed her death, I ensured I had the papers to fly with the urn in my backpack. I made sure people knew about the service. I made sure to attend the service and be there as the representative of our family.

When I got back to Orlando I dealt with the break up with Zane. I found a new place to live. I removed my belongings from the apartment. I made sure Scarlet had a safe place so she wouldn’t be alone any longer than she already had been.

In relation to my career, I worked the last months to see my class through its transition. In regards to beginning this new career, I researched the different schools I could obtain my CNA from. I studied. I passed my tests. I applied for jobs. I kept pushing through the endless stream of “no”. I cried and acknowledged that it sucked but it wouldn’t get better if I didn’t keep trying.

I bitched about how tired I was and how it felt unfair and how I wanted to give up and yet I kept taking steps to try to change things because I didn’t know how not to and eventually things DID change.

I saught help in the form of counsling because I knew I did not have the skills to handle all of the change going on in my life without help; without guidance and support and resources both emotional and spirital.

I guess the quality that I think of is strength. I think back to the conversation I had with my mom on the couch in what had been my childhood home in South Carolina. The conversation where Law and Order reruns played in the back ground while she told me one day she wouldn’t be here and that she knew it would be hard for me. She knew it would suck but that she had raised me to be strong and to get through it. She had believed in me. She had faith that I could do it and I couldn’t let her be wrong. I had to prove to her that I could in fact be strong and get through it so I did.

Whenever I faltered I reached out. I called people I normally wouldn’t have and told them that I was struggling, that it sucked to live without her. I had text message coversations while the other person watched the same show as me on Netflix so I could feel less alone while I stayed in an extended stay, sneaking Scarlet in with me because animals weren’t allowed.

I rebuilt everything; every aspect of my life. I relentlessly worked on understanding my grief and my emotions and insecurities. I found purpose in life again. I lived until I began living again. I didn’t give up even though there were so many times I wished I had had it within me to do so and from where I’m sitting, today, nearly three years later, I’m glad I didn’t even though I still have hard days sometimes.


What qualities would you like to develop further during those times of crisis?
I would like to develop a kinder inner voice. I would like to be as considerate of my own emotions and complexities of life as I am with others. I feel I have come a long way in this regard and would like to continue to develop it.

I deserve the same unbiased, calm, level-headed reflection and perspective as I give others. I feel a lot of that comes after; after the emotions have their time, after I acknowledge and accept that yes, I do have these emotions and it’s ok, but what am I going to DO? What actions are avalible to me? Stepping back, what would logically be the best move for me to make, not the most emotionally fulled one. Not the knee-jerk insticually driven on.


What were the key things you learned during those times?
The key thing I learned from mom’s death is to value the time I have and to trust myself. I learned that I will make mistakes and that’s ok. I learned that I CAN learn and that I can do better for myself. I learned to be my own cheerleader. I learned to be my own protector. I learned to value my self. I learned to take risks and to try new things and that doing my best is all I can do. I learned that as long as you make it to the end of the day then that is success enough. The greatest success is survival. If you survive that means you have a tomorrow to try again.


When presented with a new experience, what is your first reaction?
I feel like this is pretty open-ended and I honestly don’t know how to answer. I suppose I freeze for a bit. I have to analyze. What are the pros of this situation? What are the cons? Do I gain anything? Do I lose anything? Is there a balance or am I the only one put out? Does it positively affect someone? Is there kindness involved? Is the experience in line with my values and priorities?

I need to figure out what the experience is to me and so I suppose there’s hesitation because I need more information before being ok with it. That also brings into question was the new experience something of my own doing or in the case of going to the pumpkin patch with the kids, an event wholly unexpected and created without my voice being involved? I remember the initial situation being “not ok” in my mind because it took away time from myself without my consent, but the trip itself was pleasant and I’m glad I went. I could have handled the initial change better than what I did because the change itself, with hindsight, was a good thing.

How do you react when you have invested significant work and effort into something and it doesn’t work out? What do you fear most?
Most of my projects with work have been successful. I remember how my first project when I was in finals had the issue with the facial deformation, causing me to receive a 70 as my grade rather than the 100 it would have been. I remember how I spent nearly two weeks contemplating dropping out because I was obviously a failure. Here I was about to graduate and I was making a barely passing grade. How was I going to get a job with barely passing work to show for myself.

With relationships, there’s usually a sense of “I have nothing left to give”. I try and try to make it work and it doesn’t. There can be frustration and anger. Injustice. Fury. Betrayal.

Closure in the form of the “INFJ door slam”. That moment where something snaps within myself. I’m done. Not just done, but DONE. There is no recovery. There is no talking or working it out. It’s over. It’s dead because I am killing it, here and now, without remorse. It deserves to die. Quickly. Cleanly. No suffering. It doesn’t deserve to suffer. It doesn’t deserve my time to suffer and when it is over I burning everything within my inner landscape to the ground and I stand within the flames letting them consume me so I can emerge clean from a situation I know I let myself stay in for much too long.

What I feared the most was my mom dying. I no longer fear that. It happened and yet, here I am, still alive. Still breathing. I fear losing Ox. I fear losing my brothers. I fear losing the people I care about, but I know it’s going to happen and so that fear, that anxiety, while it makes my chest tight and causes me to irrationally cry sometimes, is not something that I feel paralyzes me as often as it used to.

I don’t know what I fear most. I still fear disapproval. I still worry about hurting people’s feelings. But I don’t worry about finding a job. I don’t worry about finding a place to live. I don’t worry about money or making ends meet. And even with the disapproval of others, there’s a quiet calm within myself where I know I honestly don’t care. If they don’t approve, fuck them. I’ve lived through so much, fought through so much, survived so much. I’m not here to meet their approval. I’m here to live my life the way I feel I should be living it.

So I don’t know what I fear. Maybe I fear not living up to the expectations of mom now. Not making her proud. Doing something that would dishonor her memory or make her hang her head in shame.


The next time you face a potential loss, how will you address it?
I suppose the same as I have in the past. Analyzing my situation and figuring out where to go from wherever it is that I’m at. Potential loss is too broad of a term to really be able to say how I will react. There will be emotion involved, but after the emotion there will be reflection, and then action.

Reflect on how well you manage the following:

Focus on Opportunities vs. Problems
I think I do well with this one. I may focus on the problem for a bit, but generally, I’m able to shift my focus from one of dwelling to one of action. What can I do to change the situation? What options are there? Out of those options which is the best one for the moment with the information I have? What other obstacles could potentially arise? Should other people be involved or informed? Are there trusted mentors who could give me a clearer perspective or other avenues to pursue? I myself, being in involved or in the middle of the situation, may not be able to see the whole of the picture as someone uninvolved might be.

Focus on Long Term vs. Short Term
I feel I am, for the most part, balanced here. I am fairly good at identifying sort term goals as well as long term ones. What short term actions fit into my bigger overarching project? What can I do in the now to progress to where I want to be? What in the short term benefits the longer term?

Focus on Purpose vs. Circumstance
I feel I struggle here. I do tend to get caught up on circumstance. This situation, this issue is wreaking havoc on my life. This moment of struggle and challenge and despair and grief is the only moment in all of existence. I can lose sight of what I’m working towards or trying to achieve. Emotions become overwhelming and I falter. I lose sight. I cannot see past the enormity of what is before me, this mountain in the time of my life that has no end. It will go on for forever and I don’t know how I will move past it.

I forget the purpose of what I am trying to do. The why behind my struggle. My reason becomes the struggle, not the goal at the end, the summit I wish to reach. The view which the thought of had captivated me so strongly. The rain and mud and rocks and scraped knees and bloodied hands are all I can focus on and see. My eyes are down rather than ahead.

Eventually, I come out of this state. Either I remind myself to look up, to focus on where I’m going, or something, someone sparks the perspective shift for me. If you look down while you’re crossing the thin line of wire of a tight rope you will only fill yourself with doubt and fear and worry. You won’t see where you’re going, your destination, your light at the end of the tunnel, the view of the summit you so convictedly wanted to climb in the beginning. We all get caught in “the long middle”. I don’t think it’s weakness or a fault to need help and support and reminders that there is, in fact, a bigger picture, a bigger purpose. I think it’s human. I think it’s something we all go through in varying degrees. The bigger the project the easier it is to get caught up in the “things”, the circumstance.

There is a driving factor behind everything. Sometimes we just need a reminder to look up and remember what that factor, that purpose is.

Focus on Adaptability vs. Control
I think I’m getting better about this. I think I do a fair job at flowing and blending with others. I can take control when I need to, I can also delegate and divert when needed. I am not concerned about having the main role or the credit or the control. I’m more concerned about achieving what we are striving for. If that means stepping back or doing what I’m told, ok. Things are going to change. New information will come into play. The battle plan that was created with such care will become obsolete and a new one will need to be constructed.

Mom’s death taught me that very little is actually within our control. It is better to alter your course to match life because life will not, cannot alter its course for you.

Focus on Service vs. Self
When I become overwhelmed I struggle in this area. The more burnt out, the more hurt, the more tired and battle weary I am, the more concerned about me I become. What do I get out of it? How does it affect me? Why should I care?

I feel that much of my life is service oriented. I should be mindful and more aware of when the “self” thoughts begin to creep in. Why are they there? Could I be handling things better or in a more constructive way? Am I truly living by my values or am I regressing back to coping rather than character?

Focus on Listening vs. Expertise
I am not sure what is meant here. I suppose it might mean listening as in being open to learning or other perspectives rather than falling back on what is known or understood to begin with. Preconceived notions or patterns from the past which may cloud our judgment of the present situation.

I feel I do a decent job at listening. There are still times where I find myself listening to respond rather than listening to understand, however. Such a case can be illustrated by a conversation with my younger brother where he was expressing his frustration over his living situation. I realized halfway through his explanation that I was waiting for him to finish talking so I could launch straight into what I wanted to say. That’s not listening. That’s not hearing or understanding. That’s not being open.

Being aware that this is still a habit within myself allows me the opportunity to catch myself, call myself out on it, and to do something to correct it. It is a behavior I do not agree with. It is not how I want to behave.

What are your biggest challenges when it comes to learning from first-time situations?
Firstly, most likely allowing myself to have them. Secondly, being open enough to see the positive in them if they happen to be a negative situation. Accepting that I am still human and will make mistakes. Accepting negative emotions and allowing them to have their time so I can move past them is another challenge. I try so hard to pass that initial stage, the emotion stage. I glaze over it and rush past only for the emotions to come back later.

Emotions: Um, hi. I know we had a little bit of time together a few days ago, but I just wanted to let you know that it really wasn’t enough time and now we’re going to stick around for longer and be even more annoying and unruly to deal with and take even more time and energy from you. You really should have dealt with us in full in the beginning rather than brushing us off or pushing us down or to the side or into a box you knew we wouldn’t fit in.

I feel like if I could have a conversation with them, the emotions, that that’s how it would play out. Emotions are natural. You can’t hide from them. You can’t deny them their time and space. If something makes me feel bad, or wrong, or like a failure, I need to own that emotion. I need to embrace it, accepted as real, and then ask it why it’s there.

Me: Hello, my friend. It has been a while since I felt your presence. Anger, wrath, fury, despair, depression, apathy, insecurity, abandonment. Please sit and tell me what brings you back to me?

Maybe if I said that to my emotions rather than, “Not now, guys. I’m far to busy at the moment and tomorrow doesn’t look good either,” more constructive progress would be made in that beginning stage and prevent unnecessary hardship for myself later.

MUSING MOMENTS 133: LFTIO – Building Relationships

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DSS Leadership – Assignment 10
Book – “Leadership from the Inside Out”



Take some time to reflect on the following questions to help develop and build relationships:

Under what conditions do you shut down communication?
I tend to shut down with confronted with negativity. I like getting feedback, but if it’s not constructive I tend to become defensive or closed off. “You did a shitty job,” doesn’t tell me how to do something better. It just leaves me feeling bad. I do my best. I’m sorry if my best wasn’t good enough, but if you’re not going to tell me how to become better, just how I didn’t meet your expectations then fuck you. I didn’t see you doing anything other than standing on the sidelines. Maybe if you helped next time or you gave me an idea of what to do differently I would care about your opinion.

I also shut down when I feel a lack of empathy. If you’re going to act like my emotions, my perspective, and my situations don’t matter then I’m not going to care about your opinion or what you have to say. It’s a two-way street. If you’re not going to care, then neither am I.

Lack of honesty, or authenticity as this book calls it, is probably the number one trigger for me torching bridges without a second thought. If I can’t trust you to be real with me, if I have even the smallest hint of “snake in the grass” in regards to your character then I can guarantee you, while I may hear your words and log your comments away, they’re always going to remain at the bottom of my “care” list.

What beliefs are causing you to shut down under those conditions?
There’s usually the belief that there are ulterior motives to their comments or actions, which tend to be proven true given time.

There’s my belief that criticism is different from critique. Negative comments without avenues for change or recognizing any of the positive or “right” things in a situation leaves people feeling demotivated and that the effort they did put in didn’t matter.

How can you be more open in future situations?
I don’t think I have a problem being open. I feel I could be better about expressing my feelings during the situation. “I know you’re trying to help me be better, but right now I’m only receiving negative feedback and that doesn’t feel very good. How could I have handled this better or what things, if any, did I do right?”

In regards to the ulterior motives, I could try to find time to be self-reflective and to identify why I feel the way I do. Once I understand where my emotions are stemming from I could return to the person for a more in-depth conversation. “I know we were talking about this before, but I was left feeling a bit uncomfortable after we talked and this is why…”

Do you need to strengthen your “I” or your “We” to build even more authentic relationships?
I need to strengthen my “I” without a doubt. There have been several times where I have not spoken up purely because “I’m not a nurse”. I could have helped situations go smoother. I could have helped my teams avoid problems. If I had been more direct on how to handle change over, if I had stepped up and made leadership decisions, regardless of what my title is or was, I could have helped everyone involved.

My voice matters. I shouldn’t be afraid to voice strategies or suggestions. I have experience and perspective which are of value only if I allow myself to share them with others. Speaking up isn’t disrespectful or overstepping boundaries and that’s something I know I need to work on. It might be scary to have everyone looking at you and listening to what you say, but overcoming that moment of fear can lead to the whole team growing or to the clinic running smoother and more efficiently.

How can you more effectively build your relationship bridges?
I can continue to build strong, lasting relationships by not being afraid to speak up; to share my stories and experiences and at times being direct especially as I move into a preceptor role.

How can you bring your team trust and team effectiveness to a new level?
By continuing to be honest and conducting myself with integrity. If I am a person my teammates can trust, then as stressful and trying situations arise they will not distrust or resent my judgments and input.

Musing Moments 132: LFTIO – Core Values

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DSS Leadership – Assignment 9
Book – “Leadership from the Inside Out”



Remind yourself what is important by reflecting on key life experiences and lessons learned. Consider the questions and statements below to help you consider what you stand for as a leader. Reflect on them and on your earlier StoryLine exercise. Capture your responses by writing them down.

What has your life taught you about what is precious and valuable?
Life has taught me that honesty and unconditional acceptance are the hardest things to find.

I value honest answers to my questions. I value people putting my well-being above “not rocking the boat”. Honesty can be hard. It can be uncomfortable and awkward and scary and painful. I value people who are willing to work through my emotions as well as their own to have a genuine relationship with me.

Acceptance is also hard to come by. Fair-weather friends are easy. They’re there for the good times; the easy times. Finding people who are willing to stand beside you while you scream in anguish or rage at injustice; people who are willing to accept you, all of you, strengths and weaknesses, broken pieces and shattered dreams… those are the people I value in my life. Those are the relationships I feel are real and deep and meaningful.

These people accept me as human and they don’t try to change that. They accept I am not perfect. They accept I will have hard days and stand with me through them, sometimes holding me up, sometimes sitting beside me on the path of life while I cry and try to figure out why I should keep going. These people are non-judgemental and while they beam when they see personal development and growth within me, they never press for me to be anyone but who I am. I’m not too shy or too outgoing. I’m not too intense or too serious or too silly. To them, I’m me and that’s enough. I value that; the feeling that I don’t have to do or be anything or anyone other than what and who I am.


What have the traumas and losses in your life taught you about what is most important?
The most significant trauma I have faced is the death of my mother. Her death taught me that “things” don’t matter. It wasn’t the gifts she bought me that I cherished most after she died. It was the memories we shared together. It was the vacation to California and going to Lego-Land where the tour guide made lame jokes about how, “he shouldn’t have lego.” Memories of going to Red Lobster and making the lobster dance around on my plate until its claw randomly fell off and we both cracked up laughing so hard that we couldn’t breathe. Memories of going to Moe’s for lunch and how it took me a year and a half to go back there and even then I still cried silent tears into my nachos because I was eating alone instead of with her. The things I treasured most were the moments she took out of her life to spend with me; to make me feel valued and loved and cared for.

The only things people truly have control over are their actions and their time. Cars can be taken away. Books can be taken away. Computers and phones and clothes and jewelry. Things can be taken away. Memories can’t. Memories and lessons and conversations… those last through the years and I will always cherish the time my mom took out of her life to give me the memories I have.


What have the privileges of your life taught you about what is of value?
Having lived in apartments where roommates did not clean up after themselves or pay rent or care for me as a person… I value people taking time out of their day to make my life easier. Coming home to an empty sink. The mail being check. Money being offered for known expenses before the due date. Random acts of kindness like, “I know you like this drink so I picked you up one while I was at the store.” Little things, little actions that say, “I thought about you. I cared about you. You mattered to me.”

Kindness is of value. Effort is of value. Consideration and responsibility are of value. Most of the things I value are intangible things. Their qualities of character. I value people treating others the way they want to be treated. I value people being honorable and having a sense of right and wrong. I value people valuing others more than themselves.

What is worth risking your life for?
The people who love and are loyal to me. It is worth risking my life for those who have stood beside me through the hardest times in my life. It’s worth risking my life to uphold my honor and dignity. It’s worth risking my life to live the way my mom would have wanted me to. It’s worth risking my life to speak out against injustice and wrongness. Being obedient is doing what you’re told regardless of what is right. Being moral is doing what is right regardless of what you’re told. I was raised to be moral and honorable. I would sooner take the world down with me in a blazing, flaming pile of righteous ashes than dishonor my name and thereby the name of my mother.

______ gives me the greatest meaning in life or work.
Helping others overcome their inner Evil Voice gives me the greatest feeling of fulfillment. The voice of self-doubt, and fear, and inadequacy. We all struggle. It is amazingly gratifying to help someone through their moments of darkness and to see them standing stronger for having gone through their experience; to know they have a more solid understanding of themselves and that I helped them get there.

In summary, my Core Values, the principles I stand for are:
Honesty, Acceptance, Integrity, Honor, Responsibility

Daily Post 157: An Early Morning Writing

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I have a bit of time before work. Weird I know, but Ox and I went to sleep super early last night so I found myself awake at 1 am. After staying in bed, doing a bunch of nothing, I decided to get up and type through what I could of essentially another week of not writing.

Sunday was extremely nice. Ox worked on the addition. I finished listening to my book along with doing the reflection sections. I went to the gym. I want to say I cross stitched along with doing laundry, though laundry might have been Saturday. I don’t honestly remember. Pretty sure it was Sunday though since I didn’t get the chance to fold mine or put it away.

I made green curry which didn’t go over very well. I did get to try out all of the different kinds of veggie rice which I’ve been picking up here and there. Butternut squash. Broccoli. Beet… None of them were really all that awesome sadly. And I think I used too much of the curry paste since everyone mentioned it was too spicy for them. I thought it was pretty good with the cauliflower rice. Maybe a too much spice but it wasn’t bad. It was nice to have made it again after so long. Maybe next time will be better. It would have been nice to use shrimp instead of chicken.

Anywho, I slept well Sunday night. Physically and mentally I was tired and in need of rest. Monday was alright. I was with Float RN and New RN at work. We didn’t do awful. I did get home sort of late but that’s alright. I don’t remember what was for dinner… I think I had leftover green curry.

Oh. Something else for Monday… I went to the gym again. That night I had a dream about mom, which I’ll make a separate post about. I think it was a good dream. It answered an important question I have been asking myself.

Tuesday was sort of a low day. I woke up from the dream about mom which might have been why I was low energy, along with having been to the gym two days in a row. Meal planning hadn’t happened so I didn’t have a shopping list hanging over my head. I spent some time on the computer transferring the Grammarly writings for my reflections into Word documents so I could print them at work. Eventually, I went into town to meet up with Ox. We took care of the tags and registration for the Trax. After that, we went to my new sports bar for lunch. I haven’t been there in a while, so it was nice to go.

When we were done eating, I stuck around with my Chromebook and my cluttered stack of papers from home. I haven’t been keeping up with my “in” pile, so since I had a meeting at work I had to be to at 4:30, I figured I would kill some time before heading that way. I plucked away through the countless pages in my notebooks. Pages for school. Pages for work. Pages for personal to-do lists. Pages from meetings… So many pages, most of them no longer relevant or needed.

I went through each page, one by one, transferring the information still needed onto a new page; a master page. From there I could get a clearer view of my life. What things had fallen through the cracks, the lines? What tasks still remained scratchless through the months of eeking by that I’ve been doing?

I still need to have my FA fill out my TB test form for school. I had totally forgotten about that… I still need to submit my CNA form and CPR recertification. School’s not 100% officially done yet, but it’s a lot closer than it was. My new condensed master list gave me a regrouping point and tons of loose leaf pages of paper to fold up, marking them as taken care of and accounted for.

While I battled the pages of my life, Ox had gone to take care of some chores himself before heading home. About 30 minutes into the task of organizing my life, I got a phone call from him. He had found out some news financially which changed our time frame for paying things off. He was still nearby so I said for him to come back to me. It would be nice to take a break from all of the mental work I had been doing since he left. He said I was going to be mad at him…

My heart ached. Money can be frustrating and I agree with it being a sensitivity from my past that sometimes I don’t want to handle issues immediately, but the news he had told me wasn’t all that bad. It didn’t make me not want to see him. It most certainly didn’t make me mad. It made me want a hug to know that we were still ok.

Ox did come back to the sports bar for a few minutes after a bit of coaxing. I took a break from my tasks. We had a cigarette together. He explained the situation in full to me. We made a game plan for what we knew still needed to be taken care of. Things are still ok and I’m still not mad. I’m proud of both of us.

Ox left to go back home, for real that time, and I went back inside to continue figuring out my life. I ended up getting a text message from work saying the meeting was canceled.

Oh, darn… guess I’ll have to break out my sad face as I continue working on my stuff and listening to music without a deadline or a social interaction looming over me, said no introvert ever.

Since I didn’t have a time crunch on me anymore I finished up with my papers. I even got to type up the recipes I’ve been using so often, finally. FINALLY. That’s only been on every to-do list I have made for nearly the past month. The recipes aren’t formatted fully. No prettiness with different sized fonts or bloded section headings, but all of the information is in the computer finally. Maybe that can be my project this weekend or during the downtime of my upcoming vacation.

I even got to do other tasks with my freed up time, like setting the cards for my upcoming travel so they don’t get locked down. Woo!

Once I felt satisfied with all of my productivity and accomplishment, I came home. Mama Ox made dinner. I read the writing about my dream to Ox. He held me afterward as I cried and let my heart chakra heal more. I booked a hotel room in Omaha for Wednesday night since Thursday I had my leadership class. Eventually, we went to sleep.

Wednesday I worked with my FA and New Nurse. It was good to see my FA but I could tell she was tired. The day went smoothly. New Nurse and I are getting along. I printed out all of my reflection writings and put them in a binder with page dividers at the beginning of each chapter. It’s nice and clean and organized. My binder is thicker than the book I read… Yeah… -_-;

I got a bunch of other tasks done for work. It was a nice day. When I left I drove home. I had to take care of something with the car insurance when I got home, but that got figured out and resolved rather painlessly. I heated up dinner and ate. I packed up everything I wanted to take with me to the hotel. Ox helped carry my things out to the car. I headed north, stopping for gas along the way.

Mother Earth and I were supposed to chat on my drive up but that didn’t work out as planned. I chatted with a former student for the hour and a half drive instead. It was good to catch up with him. I messaged Mother Earth when I arrived at the hotel to see if she still wanted to talk, but she was watching a movie, so we rain checked our conversation for a later time.

Ox and I talked for a little bit. There were tons of things I could have done. I had my laptop so I could write. I had my cross stitch, so I could stitch. I had gym clothes so I would work out in the fitness room… Instead, I went to sleep. I know that sounds lame, but I was tired. I set my alarm for 6 am thinking maybe I would hit the gym before getting ready for my class, instead.

I had a hard time sleeping that night. I kept waking up only to roll over and go back to sleep. I woke up before my alarm to a group text message at 5:45 am saying my DSS class was canceled due to the weather. That was after receiving an email while I was at work addressing another class mate’s concern over driving in the icky weather. Class wasn’t going to be canceled so plan drive time accordingly… Well… now class is canceled because school’s are going to be closed for the day. Sorry guys. We’ll let you know when it’s rescheduled.

Whatever. At that point, fuck it. I’m going back to sleep. It was still snowing. The roads were awful. There wasn’t a point in getting up and I really couldn’t do much of anything where I was at. I couldn’t work on my work projects. I couldn’t go grocery shopping, not that we had ever figured out a shopping list to begin with… It was cold with a six-inch tall wall of snow between me and my car… Yep. It’s the perfect time to simply not worry. It’s quiet, silent. I’m alone. I’m just going to be for a while, even if that means sleeping until I feel awake.

When I woke up again I went to the lobby and had breakfast. I talked to Jon for a little while. It was an unexpectedly chill and relaxed morning.

Around 10 am I trudged out to my car and got most of the snow brushed off. I was even able to make it out of my parking spot despite the wall of snow the plow had left behind me.

Right Brain: Go, Awesome Little Car! You can do it! I believe in you! You show that snow who’s bawce!

The drive home wasn’t terrible. The further from Omaha I got, the better the roads were. Lincoln didn’t get near as much snow as the areas further north did. Despite mostly clear roads, I was still glad to be home and out of the car after my drive. Ox was running behind at work due to the weather. I was grateful to see him when he got home. There was tons of sexy time, hence why the early bedtime that night. Definitely made up for not going to the gym.

I slept well, I think. I feel mostly rested though I know with being up so early today that I’ll be exhausted by the time I get home. I still have 15 minutes before I need to “get up” so I think I’m going to crawl back into bed and cuddle with Ox. I didn’t expect to get through writing, to be honest. I’m glad I did, though. One less open loop in my brain to contend with.