Daily Post 125: Snowy Nebraska

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I went to the dojo on Friday. I worked Saturday. It snowed today. I work tomorrow. I bought a winter jacket that was supposed to be $100 for only $50. Totally feeling like a badass over that still.

I don’t really know where to start or what to write about.

I guess I should mention that I cut my middle finger knuckle on my left hand Friday while I was opening boxes at work. That sort of sucks. You don’t realize how much you use something until it hurts you to put pressure on it. It’s a pretty clean slice and it doesn’t look infected. Just in a crummy spot for healing since fingers bend so much.

I got invited to go to the FHM meeting for my clinic this coming Tuesday. Facility Health Management. It’s basically a meeting with all of the higher ups who evaluate our clinic based on metrics. I’m essentially going to be a fly on the wall. My FA extended the invitation to me since she thought I would be interested in seeing the other side of the clinic. The business side. The only perspective I have is that of being on the floor interacting with our patients. I don’t know what happens with all of the data we record and keep track of. I’ve never met our medical director.

Even though I won’t be paid or in any way compensated for going to the meeting, I want to be there. I want the experience. I want to know the other side, the one my FA has to contend with in addition to working the floor three days a week.

The dojo was a good experience. It’s small. No one showed up to the Hapkido class at 6 this Friday so the instructor and I got to spend an hour working together. He showed me a very broad overview of the style. We even got into weapons. Switchblade and gun. I stayed for the cardio Muay Thai class. It’s more of a conditioning class rather than focusing on techniques, but I still enjoyed it. He helped me a lot with my footwork and I could feel a massive difference in the power of my kicks.

I want to keep going. I could make Wednesday and Friday classes. If I drove into Beatrice on Saturdays I could do the classes on those days as well. Since I ended up working this Saturday I didn’t, but it’s an option. It would be $65 for unlimited everything. $65 a month with no contract. That’s actually a pretty awesome deal.

It felt good to sweat that much again even though I know I’ve worked out harder in the past. I haven’t gone to the gym since Friday’s classes at the dojo. I did find a new app thanks to my brother. JeFit. It’s pretty nifty. Maybe it will help give me more focus when I work on my own.

I tried a new recipe this week. Chicken Taco Soup. It came out alright. Nothing amazing. The roast for my breakfasts should be fine since I didn’t overcook it this time. I’m doing chili again as well. Just sort of that type of weather. Since it’s cold outside I want things that are warm. Coffee included. I found a new coffee creamer. Dark chocolate peppermint. It warms a part of my soul. ❤

There’s a part of me who likes the cold weather and that there’s snow on the ground. It feels right. With it being so cold there should be some visible sign and here in Nebraska, there is. It reminds me of when I took my trip up here and had my interview back in January. It reminds me of when I first got “home” that night in February. I guess I’ll always have a special spot in my mind for snow now. So many of my recent changes happened while it was covering everything. While the world was white and sleeping my path changed and so far I have no regrets over seeing where it would lead.

Ox and I just ran up to the gas station to see how the roads were. There are some dry spots so hopefully, it won’t be too awful when I have to drive to work tomorrow morning. I’m still leaving about 15 minutes early and my FA has already messaged me saying to take my time. She would rather I arrive late than to get hurt driving too fast.

The South Lincoln clinic ended up having issues Friday and wasn’t able to run their first shift patients. Their FA called me specifically asking if I would be willing to help them Saturday morning. I told her that I didn’t have anything going on and would be willing to help but that I wasn’t cleared to mix bicarb and that I didn’t know any of their door codes. We got that worked out and it was a fairly smooth day. I didn’t mind going in. I’ve wanted to see their clinic for a while now. I got to meet their RN who was extremely kind and friendly to me. Their patients were also kind and welcoming. They appreciated my willingness to come in so they could have their treatments. It was a good experience and it gave me a few hours of over time.

This is the week where I got paid for my 5 and 4 day work weeks on top of getting the second installment of my retention bonus. It was a nice paycheck, which is greatly appreciated and needed.

Ox and I went with his kids to play mini golf yesterday as a belated birthday celebration for both of them after I got home from work. The weather was nice and it was a quaint, pleasant outing. I ended up winning and there’s a childish, silly part inside me who feels accomplished about that. My dad used to golf. When we lived in South Carolina he would take me behind the fence of our backyard. There was a pretty big field out there and he would let me hit balls with him. I didn’t realize that I still enjoyed the challenge. I didn’t realize how much going out and doing something so mundane and family oriented would please something inside of me. I’m glad I went. I’m glad I was a part of it.

After golfing, Mama Ox picked up the kids. Ox and I went to a Goodwill to try to find me some winter clothing. That was a bust, but I did find a decent pair of white shoes for cheap to wear when I begin the clinical portion of my class. One thing off the “to-buy” list. Woo.

We tried going to a few stores to find a winter jacket. Dick’s Sporting goods wanted $230 for theirs so we noped our way out over to Sear’s. All of their girl coats had fur-lined hoods or gold flashing clasps. I didn’t really like any of them. The guy selection was extremely limited. I didn’t see anything that I liked enough to spend money on.

We were about to call it quits when Ox suggested going over to JC Penny. I could tell my energy was fading pretty fast. He offered to drive us over to the entrance even though it wouldn’t have taken much for us to walk there. I’m glad we went. I found the perfect coat in the Men’s section. It’s a 2XL so it’s big and long. It goes almost down to my knees. It’s nice and roomy on the inside and soft and fluffy and it’s black with no fur lining or gold flashy stuff anywhere. Just a nice, big, black coat. And it has a billion pockets! So much love. And it was a super awesome price. I’m happy with it. I like wearing it.

With one of the most important things off of the list, we headed towards the Walmart near home. We stopped at Slim Chickens for dinner. It’s becoming my go-to choice for when we go out. They have good salads that are in line with the health goals I haven’t been working towards. You can get chicken tenders grilled rather than fried, so if I ever wanted something other than a salad I have options. It’s not as awesome as my sports bar from Orlando, but I like it. I already have a “my spot” at the one we seem to be frequenting. It makes me happy that I am finding spots since that was something I knew I was missing. It’s a place I could see myself going to and studying before going to class. It’s a place I could see myself writing at if I ever happen to get a laptop again.

I felt a bit better after Ox and I ate but it didn’t last very long. While we were at Walmart I started getting a headache. My hamstrings, which had already started the day off sore, were reaching the point of pain. I was pushing too far on too little sleep and my body was informing me, none too gently, that I wasn’t being kind to it. Ox agreed to save most of the clothes shopping for a different day and so we switched our focus to the foodstuff we needed to pick up.

We did get two new pillows for the bed. With him being on his computer and me making my nest of blankets and pillows while I cross stitch, we’ve noticed a shortage in the pillow department, even though Ox says we have too many when we go to sleep at night, which is total blasphemy because you can never have too many pillows.

I really like my new pillow. Like my jacket, it’s nice and soft and fluffy. I think it was a good investment. I got a husband pillow while we were there as well and I’ve enjoyed stitching with it behind my back today. It feels like I have a proper cross stitching nest now. I can sit cross-legged in my corner of the bed with my threads and highlighter and pattern papers and clipboard, all tucked in and covered with the blankets that smell like Ox and me and home.

Since we bought pillows that meant we needed to buy new pillowcases, too. I got a new brush as well since the one I’ve been using has started losing its bristles. I’ve had it for years. I don’t know how many. Five or more. I guess it was time to replace it. I’ve only used the new one once so far so I don’t know if I like it or not. We haven’t grown accustomed to each other I guess. Sort of like when I first got my car. We had to get to know each other, which might make me sound crazy since I’m talking about inanimate objects, but there you go. I bond with everything, hair brushes included.

I ended up spending close to $200 at Walmart with roughly half of that being on “frivolous” things like the pillows. I was sort of kicking myself about that on the drive home. I still need to buy thermals and wool socks and a good pair of snow boots. I shouldn’t have spent $100 on “nothing”.

The more I thought about it the more I felt like I was thinking about it wrong. I’ve wanted more pillows for a few months now. I’ve wanted the husband pillow. I worked a crazy amount of overtime. I’m allowed to buy things with my money. I paid all of my bills before we went out earlier in the day. I have everything covered. So I might end up spending $300 extra this week instead of the original $200 that I had set aside from my winter gear budget. I don’t think spending an extra $100 is all that bad. I’m still going to be putting a huge chunk towards the credit card and paying off my CNA class.

I’m allowed to buy a few things for myself every once in a while. I don’t know why there’s a part of my brain that has such a hard time understanding that. I don’t know why I feel like I have to justify it to myself. I bought those things because I wanted to and they made my day and evening nice.

I did most of my cooking today. The clothes are washed and dried though they most likely won’t get put away until Tuesday; maybe Monday evening if I’m feeling up to it.

Tuesday, after the meeting, I plan to try to do the last bit of winter shopping since I’ll be in town.

I’ve still been stitching. I’m on the last page of the pattern. It’s the page with the most work on it, so I wouldn’t be surprised if my progress seems to slow down, but I’m content with the progress I’ve made. There’s still a bit of work I want to get done before going to bed or taking my picture of it for this week. Since I still need to shower as well I guess I’ll go for now.

I feel like this post rambled sort of all over the place, but it was nice to write while my second cup of coffee sits in front of me getting cold. It feels normal. It feels nice. It feels like I don’t hate life and that I’m not as angry that I’m still living and mom isn’t. I know there’s still a lot of emotions for me to figure out and I know that it’s drawing closer to the season and days that hurt the most, but right now, I’m… happy? I don’t know. It feels more than content, though.

I like my stitching nest. I like my jacket. I like my coffee creamer. I look forward to those things. I liked my day of mini golf. I want it to not be wrong to like those things. I want it to not be wrong to want more memories like that and I know the only person struggling with the feeling of wrongness is me. The only one struggling with the feeling of happiness and belonging and home is me. It’s me, inside my head, that rages and screams and cries that it’s wrong. How can I be happy? How can I enjoy things? How can I look forward to things? How can I breathe and not feel anguish?

I still miss you, mom. I will always miss you. I miss you every day, every morning. Every time something happens and I can’t call you and have hour-long conversations about nothing. I’m finally to a point where I can go out and buy pillows and a hairbrush and not worry about skimming from my food budget to do it. I’m going back to school. I’m being invited to facility meetings. I’m doing good, mom. I miss you but I’m doing ok and I really, really hope all of this would make you happy. I really hope deep down that you would be proud of me for all the things I’m doing. I miss you mom, but I didn’t give up and this is where I am. In snowy Nebraska learning how to keep living life. I love you. Forever and for always.

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Daily Post 091: Another Summery

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This is most likely going to jump around a bit. I guess the easiest way to write would be to break life into sections and write about each one since, once again, so much has happened.


Work

Work has been going well. I got my paycheck with my first bit of overtime. That was awesome. I also got the payback for the Concur report. Surprisingly I got all $400 for that. I got my wage increase finally for my CCHT test. I haven’t received the back pay for that, though, so it’s not 100% off my to-do list. Currently, I’m waiting to see if the back pay lands on this paycheck. If it doesn’t then I’ll be contacting my FA to see what needs to happen in that regard.

I need to figure out how to fill out Concur reports for traveling to different clinics since I was told I would be compensated for travel time and gas. I also ended up paying for the hotel room the last time I worked at the South Omaha clinic, which is another thing I can be reimbursed for. So, one of these days when I’m not super busy at work (which is never) I need to figure that out.

I haven’t started on the VAM training. I haven’t forgotten about it. More it just hasn’t worked out since I’ve been doing overtime elsewhere. This coming week seems like it will be a good week to start in on that, though.

I’m still waiting to hear back about finishing off my NFACT training. All I need in that regard is to get checked off on the skills list. Since one of our patients just got orders approved to use his fistula, now-ish would be a good time to get that completed. It’s another thing I’m waiting to hear back on. That task is close to being done, though, so I’m content with where I’m at with it.

The days seem to be going better. The one patient who was unstable for a while seems to be doing better. We switcher her dialyzer and everything is going well now.

Another patient has started having issues. Switching her dialyzer didn’t seem to resolve anything, so I’m not sure where we’re going with that at the moment.

Mr. Non-compliance got a fistula placed last week. Because of that, he was in the hospital for a while, but he was at the clinic on Friday for treatment. It was good to see him after so long. I hope he begins to show up more regularly. He’s an awesome guy. I can’t do much to help him live if he skips treatment, though, and that’s a shitty reality of my job. I can only do so much, and a majority of that depends on the patient actually being there.

Friday was a day from hell. I loved the RN I worked with. I’ve worked with her a few times at the Capital City clinic while I was in “training” after my move to Nebraska. She doesn’t work at the Beatrice clinic often, though. In the past six months, she said she’s been there three times. Because our machines are so different from all of the other clinics that meant it felt like I was on my own for the most part on Friday.

I set up nearly every machine. That meant we were running behind for first shift, which snowballed into second shift. Even though my FA was on the floor helping out we didn’t recover from the slow start.

There were soooooo many people at my clinic on Friday. I guess there was some uber meeting going on in the conference room. I didn’t understand how there could be that many people and yet leave me feeling like I was the only one working the floor.

The new tech who will be working the clinic with me showed up later in the day with her preceptor. I wish I could say I like her, but my first impression is that I won’t. She lives in Beatrice which worries me. I’m scared that she’ll get priority for the clinic even though I’ve been proving myself to be a good worker. I’m worried they’re going to have me cover more shifts elsewhere, especially at Cap City, which I don’t want to do.

I like my clinic. I want to stay there. I would rather go down to part-time than float to different places. Except maybe South Omaha. Or maybe even the North Omaha location, but that’s only because that clinic has the same machines as mine. I haven’t been there, but I could see myself being more ok in that environment because I would have a better idea on how to function there.

I don’t know what’s in the future and stressing over something that’s still two months away is a waste of energy. I’m trying to not let it eat away at the inside of my brain. Since it’s only been two days since I met the new tech I don’t think there’s enough information to say if I’m doing a good job in that regard or not yet.

I do think it’s something I should talk to my FA about. Knowing what their game plan is for the future would be nice. Where do they see me? Where do they see her? Stuff like that.

For the most part, things are going well with work and I believe that’s a majority of what’s been going on.

The new schedule is out. Next week I only work three 12-hour shifts. The week after that I picked up a shift on Saturday for South Omaha. The following two weeks I work five days since I’m covering a morning shift both Tuesdays at Cap City in addition to covering the Saturdays at South Omaha.

Yeah… we’ll see how that plays out…


 

SCA

In other news, Ox and I have been pretty active with the SCA group. We went to combat practice again this past Tuesday. I’ve purchased McDavid knee and elbow sleeves to wear under the loaner armor I’ve been using. I’ve also ordered groin protection since that’s a thing that’s required. It’s supposed to be delivered Monday so I’m hoping to have it for Tuesday’s practice. If I do I’ll be sure to leave a review.

I’ve also purchased a new backpack specifically for my combat gear since the backpack I’ve been using for everything is getting kind of cramped.

Typically I keep my workout gear along with everything I need for work in my backpack. I’ve recently added the knee and ankle braces due to training at the gym. I already had a bathroom kit for when I need to shower at the gym or travel overnight for work. And though I do have another gym bag, currently it has all of my fighter gear in it. My gloves and hand wraps. My shinguards and gi. My belt with my single stripe.

There wasn’t much extra space in either bag. Add to the equation that I now have stuff specifically for combat… It just wasn’t working for me. I like keeping my things separate, which meant another bag was in the near future anyway.

So now I have a softball/baseball backpack which I think is going to work amazingly well. It has two pouches that run the height of the bag where you can put a bat, theoretically.

Wouldn’t you know they’re the perfect size for two pieces of ratan? : D

So I have a bag for my gear AND I can keep my swords in it. And… AND… it’s purple. : 3

So much happy.

I really like it and as I begin to construct my own armor I’m fairly confident that it will be able to hold everything aside from my helm, which I wouldn’t want to put in there anyway since the helm has to be constructed from steel while the rest of the armor I want to make will ideally be leather.

We went to the meeting on Wednesday with Ox, which I think I would have enjoyed more if I hadn’t been so tired. It was a new social situation with new people on nearly no sleep after a 12-hour shift and no food. There were a bunch of people doing weaving and needle crafts so I plan to bring my own project with me next time, which should help with not feeling so out of place.

We went to dinner afterward, which was nice. I enjoyed the conversations I had and being able to connect with people on a more individual level.

It seems like a bit of a routine that Ox and I are forming. Tuesdays are combat and afterward, we go to my sports bar for dinner. Wednesdays are the meetups and afterward, we go out to eat with the group. I buy Tuesdays. He covers Wednesdays.

I’m glad we’re finding a group of people to interact with and that even though we both have our own interests within the group, that we’re able to share something together.


 

Health

I’ve been doing well with the gym. I actually made it in twice this week to do arm day since that’s something I need to start making more of an effort with. My lower body is definitely outpacing my upper body and I don’t want to be stuck with T-rex arms.

Or do I…

ddb

I’m down roughly four pounds. I’m up a little on muscle. I can feel a difference in myself. I’m doing well with sticking to my macros as far as carbs and protein go. I’m usually under my calorie count, but I really don’t care all that much about it since I’m logging around 6 miles on the days I work.

I can feel how I have more energy during the days I get adequate sleep. I’m coping with stress better. At least, I think I am.

My trainer is out of town this coming week, which means instead of going to training I’m going to try to find classes at the gym to do. it would be nice to make it to Zumba or yoga, or both. There’s a Core and More class that would be nice to make…

More planning is required. But yes. Things are going well in that department.


 

Life

I finally went to the DMV and got my Nebraska license. It’s more official now than not now. I’m officially a resident. The last thing I need to do regarding my move is switch my car tags over, but that’s a multi-step process with multiple fees and I’m not really all that worried about getting it done during this month’s schedule since I’m going to be working so many extra days.

Part of it, too, is that I don’t know how much it will be financially to switch over. Switching from South Carolina to Florida ran me over $600. Once I have all of the money from working overtime then I’ll look into taking care of that task. If it ends up being cheaper, awesome. Having 1k worth of extra to cover it would make me more comfortable with taking care of that task. Not that I want to spend that much, but I would rather have that much saved and not need it, then need it and not be able to do anything about it.


 

Finances

On the subject of money, I’m doing well. I was once again able to overpay on all of my bills and still have extra for buying the combat gear and bag. I was able to get the car looked at and tuned up since it felt like it was driving weird.

I like to think that mom would be proud of me. Instead of waiting until there was a problem I was proactive and took the car in to get looked at while it was still a “concern” rather than a “problem”.

I ended up getting an alignment and an oil change since that was something I’ve wanted to do since moving to Nebraska. Go me.

I’ve already bought groceries. The car has gas. This coming Friday is payday which will once again have a decent amount of overtime on it. Next month is when I reach out to Warren to see if he’s in a spot to start paying me back.

My immediate financial goal is to pay off my car. It’s the closest thing to being taken care of and would free up $300 to put towards something else. My rule right now is any overtime I work goes towards the car. I do want to take a bit of the money to put towards buying materials for my armor, but mostly the overtime money is for bills.

My “Me Fund” is back to where it should be. Actually, it’s a little over what it should be, but that’s in preparation for my trip in August. It’s looking more like I’ll be going to Vegas for a bit then flying to Orlando. I want to make sure I have the funds to support the trip. With working overtime, I should have the time available to take off without affecting my pay. I’m still waiting to solidify dates with my brothers, but it’s looking good so far.

I still don’t have much in my savings account, which might be something I address before pouring all of my overtime money into my car. That seems like a responsible thing to do… But since that’s still at least a week away I’ll worry about that when I have numbers to work with.

Let’s see… what else…


 

Relationship

Ox and I are doing well. We’re going to have the kids for roughly a week. In preparation for that, we’re going to flush out my nest a bit more. I know he did some stuff up there today which I wasn’t allowed to be there for. My tv is upstairs along with a tv stand that I bought today and a beanbag chair so I can set up my PS4. We’re going to try setting up an air mattress as well which, in theory, will let me be able to sleep at home without everyone having to tiptoe around me on the nights I have to go to sleep early for work.

All we can do is try and see if it works. If not then I guess it will go back to getting a hotel room on the nights I need to. I like the way things feel, though. We talked a lot about how we see the addition being set up in the future. We’re most likely not going to be able to do much of work on until the weekend after next, but we have a solid idea of what needs to be done.

He actually went as far as spray painting the lines for where the walls are going to go. I was having a hard time “seeing” the set up for the room because right now it’s all open space. The lines helped me see what he sees. I like it. I want it to be real and not just lines on the plywood floor.

I like the idea of having our computer area and the TV on the wall with a couch and a little work area for chain mail and armor making. I like the idea of having an alcove for the bedroom with windows to let the light in.

I like the way the future feels in that regard.

I’ve been sleeping better next to him. Part of that may be that I’m getting used to sleeping next to another person again. For so long I’ve slept alone. That might have factored into some of my sleepless nights in the beginning. Being sick as long as I was didn’t help anything, but I do wonder if being overwhelmed by so much new didn’t contribute to it at least a little.

I met Ox’s brother and sister-in-law on Saturday along with their two kids. I had slight anxiety on the way to their house, but they’re both nice people.

The thought of having to go back and socialize doesn’t seem heavy or dreadful. I would be ok with seeing them again, and I think I would be welcome in their home. They didn’t instantly hate me for my tattoos or purple hair.

It makes me aware that Ox hasn’t met my family yet, but there’s not really an easy way to fix that. He can’t meet mom. Jon doesn’t want to see him yet. Jason is in Vegas and dad is in Ohio.

I don’t know what else to write in that regard because I guess this is where I get scared and start looking at deep, dark, scary relationship things that I haven’t addressed in a while.

We’re coexisting well. It’s coming up on four months. That’s still really early in the relationship. I still get overwhelmed with the kids because I don’t know how to be a parent and I’m not used to kids being around all the time. I’m not used to not having my own space or quiet time. I still don’t know if I’ll ever want one of my own. I still don’t know where I want to go career-wise or what I want to do with school. I still don’t know if I’ll be able to run all of my Warrior Dash in July, which I need to request off from work.

I don’t think I want to delve into the deep, dark, scary world of “relationship” right now. I’m still not used to having it not fall apart. I’m still not used to things not being arguments.

I want to be happy with the small victory of being able to sleep well next to him. I want to be happy with feeling comfortable cooking in the kitchen. I want to feel happy that I feel like I belong even more than I did in the beginning. I don’t feel awkward coming home and being the only person here when Papa Ox is in the living room.

One other thing Ox and I have started doing is playing Final Fantasy 14 together. I’m enjoying the game so far. It’s allowing us to game together which I think is something that Ox misses. While I was in Orlando we spent a fair amount of time on WoW chatting and questing. Since I’ve been in Nebraska my gaming life has been non-existent, but gaming is something important to Ox.

Since I’ve been so disenchanted with WoW we decided to try a different game and so far I am extremely enjoying it. I’m only level 10, but I like my character and I’ve been enjoying exploring a new world and reading the questline.

I’ve been enjoying it so much so that I think I’m actually going to stop writing for tonight so I can get another hour of gaming in before having to go to sleep for work tomorrow.


 

In Summary

Overall, things are still going well, even on the hard days, and I’m glad for that.

 

Daily Post 086: There Was Progress

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I guess now is as good a time as any to write.

Today has already been ridiculously productive. I woke up around 5 am and stayed in bed until around 7 am. I finally got up and prepped my food for the coming week along with part of dinner for tonight.

I’ve unloaded and loaded the dishwasher along with handwashing the things that didn’t fit into the load. I’ve swept the kitchen, and before any of that happened I took a shower.

It’s not even noon yet and already I have breakfast for the rest of the week along with my salads for lunch.

I should feel content and yet my brain is wired and not at ease and I guess that’s because next week is a lot of unknown at the moment.

I met with my personal trainer again, which I didn’t realize who I was working with until I was talking to one of my coworkers, which led to an internet search. He’s a big name, and yet he’s now doing personal training in a “middle of nowhere” Nebraska YMCA where he gives all of the money he makes back to the gym. He’s a Ph.D. and founder of multiple companies. He has an interesting, complex story and it’s hard to not feel small when faced with all of the things he’s accomplished in life. It’s hard to, in some ways, not feel unworthy.

Who am I for him to spend his time on? Some lowly CCHT who still struggles with grief over losing her mother? Some nobody? Some chick who can’t even run a solid mile…

I know those are all internal conflicts and struggles within myself. I know I have left my mark on the world already; through the students I taught, the tutorials I made, the scripts I wrote…

I know I’m not unworthy, but still… when standing next to a person who has made literally millions… it’s hard not to feel… less than.

Regardless of those feelings, I’m looking forward to working with him. Our last meeting on Thursday was a lot of talking. He had a printout of the results from the tests he ran on me, which makes me sound like a lab rat, and in a way I guess I am. I like having the numbers. It takes the guesswork out of things. It makes it seem more real and solid. More doable. More quantifiable.

I know how much of what I should be eating and though I don’t like calorie counting, I know that by doing this it will be easier to track the other intakes I’m concerned with. Sodium, carbs, protein especially.

All of the things he told me were things I had already researched and found on my own, so it wasn’t anything new. It was reassuring, however, to hear it repeated from him. It means the stuff I was doing in Orlando, the things that were giving me results, were the right things to do and that I should go back to those habits. It means that our mentalities jive which means working with him, theoretically, will have less friction.

It means that the super hard part, the change to eating habits, really isn’t going to be that big of a deal because I’ve already changed that part. I already meal plan and food prep so I don’t have to learn new skills. It doesn’t mean I’ll be an “easier” client, but I do think it means I’ll be more of a “hands-off” sort of client in that area. I don’t need to be taught, I just need to be left to do my own thing.

In other news…

The clinic is about to do down to three days a week. And I don’t think I’ve written about that yet. I don’t think I’ve written since my meeting at work aside from my homesick letter to mom. And I guess here is a good point to actually go back and look at what I wrote last so I know where I’m at…

 



*Brief Pause In Writing*


 

Ok… so the last time I wrote about life was on April 17th. That was almost two weeks ago.

A lot has happened since then.

I had the meeting at work that day, which is where I found out about the clinic changing its schedule. Because we’re going to be down two nurses for a while, and because there are open seats at our sister clinics, management felt it was better to go from six days a week to three for the next few months.

I agree with their choice. I know it makes things a little inconvenient for our patients, but we don’t have the staff to maintain six days a week anymore. I know there’s a tech going through training. I’m not sure about nurses. My FA will be working the floor with me on Fridays. Mrs. K will be working with me on Mondays and Wednesday until we get more people on the team. Right now the focus is to get the clinic stable with staff and I think that’s a good priority.

I was approved to begin training for NFACT and Vascular Access Manager. So those are things I will begin in the coming week.

I received the documents for the PCT Retention program. I found out that’s more of a bonus rather than a wage increase. I’m still ok with it. It’s more money then I would have gotten otherwise so I’m not going to look a gifted horse in the mouth.

I signed the eDocs and sent them on their way. A few days later I received an email saying I was denied. Queue lame feels…

I messaged my FA and let her know. She replied saying she would look into it for me since she had been told by our region manager that I was approved. At some point this week, I don’t remember the day, I got the paperwork to sign again. I signed it and haven’t heard anything back yet. I didn’t have an additional deposit in my account so I guess it’s still going through flaming hoops of logistics.

I was told my wage increases were approved. I’ve already adjusted my Excel sheet to account for the increase. I’ve also knocked my tax allowances back down to zero. So I’m a little confused as to why I’m short $100 for this paycheck. It’s something I won’t be able to figure out until I go to work tomorrow. It will be nice once all of my financial stuff figures itself out. >.<

I filled out my expense report but I don’t think it sent properly. That’s something I won’t be able to fix until I’m at work with one of my FAs. I want to show them what the system is doing. Hopefully, that can happen tomorrow. Small steps towards completion. It would be nice if it was already completed. /sigh

I don’t know how the new schedule will flow at work and I guess that’s why it’s such an open loop in my head. I know my FA still wants me to show up at 4:30, so I don’t have to wake up earlier which is nice. I’m worried the change over between first and second shift is going to be hard. I’m worried even though the days will still remain shorter than Orlando, that they will be just as stressful, trying to cram everyone into only two shifts.

I know the days will be a little longer. Our last patient will end his treatment around 16:10. That means I most likely won’t be leaving the clinic until around 17:00.

All I can do is wait and see what it’s like and voice my opinion. I don’t like not knowing, though.

I do like the idea of having set days off. I do like knowing I will always have Saturdays off, at least for a little while. It’s why I was able to set up training at the gym so easily. It’s why I’m ok taking on the workload of becoming a VAM. I have consistent times where I can plan to do things.

I finally got my stuff from Warren. That was something that happened last week. I got an email from my old internet providers saying the account was past due. I called and talked to a representative who said the account was still in my name so my credit was the one being affected.

Once I got off the phone with the representative I called Warren. Not surprisingly I got his voice mail. I told him the information I had received. I told him if he didn’t call me back that I was going to close the account. I said that I wasn’t mad or upset. I just wanted him to talk to me so we could figure something out that worked for both of us, but if he didn’t reach back out to me that he wasn’t leaving me a choice. I can’t leave an account open in my name for services I’m not using when the financial burden is falling on me and my credit.

I was furious and betrayed feeling. I had been at the gym when I got that email. I had been in the sauna while I talked to the representative. All of the zen I had built up was trashed, shredded nothingness inside my mind in the face of all of the feelings swarming around inside me.

How could he do this to me? How, after everything, could he still be fucking me over and not telling me?

I drove home trying not to cry in anger.

When I got home I wrote an email to Ms. Side Chick, his girlfriend, since I had her email address from when she was being signed onto the apartment lease. I told her I didn’t know the situation, but that I wanted her to know one of my near future decisions may affect her. I let her know what was going on. I apologized if she wasn’t living at the apartment anymore and if all of my information was unwanted, but I felt she had a right to know about the potential of interruption of internet service if she was still living there.

I was in the process of writing a rage-filled post of hurt about the event when Warren called me back. He was at work and didn’t have long to talk, but we hashed everything out during the time he had.

During the conversation, he said I had a piece of mail from Full Sail along with what looked like a certification. He still had my spare car key, too. He said if he couldn’t get it sent out to me the next day that he would get Ms. Side Chick to do it for him.

Financially he’s still getting back on his feet. Amber fucked him over with a bunch of accounts in South Carolina so he’s catching up on that and it’s taking longer than he thought it would. We’ve agreed to table the issue of him owing me money until next month. June. That’s when I’ll reach out to him again if he doesn’t reach out to me first.

At least I know where we stand and why we’re standing where we are. I feel like it always comes back to this. I’m not unreasonable or uncaring. All I want is to know what the fuck is going on. It’s hard to feel like I matter, that the quarter of my inheritance that went to supporting him meant anything when I hear absolutely nothing in regards to why I’m not seeing payments in my account. It’s just silence and I’m left to hope that I still matter. That it’s not like “all the other times” and that at some point, in the future, some distance far off undetermined time, things will fix themselves magically on their own.

No. Fuck that.

I want to know what’s going.

I deserve to know what’s going on.

I’m owed that.

At the very least, if you’re not going to pay me like you said you would tell me why so I can empathize and not be a raging ball of “Go fuck yourself.”

Last Saturday, while I was at work, I received a text message from Warren. It was a picture of a receipt from the post office saying my package was expected to be delivered on Monday. It was an amazing picture.

Of course, the package didn’t arrive until Tuesday this week, but it arrived. I have my certification for my CCHT. I have something tangible with pretty scripted lettering saying that I am enough. It says that I did something on March 14th that was that is worth recognition. It makes it feel like I actually did something. That I achieved something. That I’m better than I was when I started.

It’s a good feeling and I didn’t realize how much it would mean to me to open that particular envelope and hold that piece of paper in my hands.

I also, finally, got the check from Full Sail. I was able to deposit it through the mobile banking app. I was able to send an email to the representative I’ve been working with and inform her I received the check and that it was safely deposited into my account. She replied a few days later saying she was happy for me. I’m sure we’re both glad to finally be able to scratch this off of our lists of things to keep track of.

I also have my spare key finally, so I don’t have to worry as much about locking myself out of my car. I don’t have to spend money to get a new spare made, either.

So, as far as I can tell, Orlando is 100% done now. I’m completely transferred over to Nebraska as far as work is concerned and there’s nothing left for me to wait for from Warren, other than the money he owes me which is on hold for a little bit.

Looking at it that way, I guess I’m ok with where things are at in those regards. I’m done with Orlando.

A bit of work has been done in the addition at home. Last week we didn’t get to cleaning anything. I wasn’t upset or hurt over it. I can’t remember exactly why it never happened. All I know is that there weren’t feelings of betrayal or being let down. It didn’t happen and it was ok.

This past Tuesday Ox and I cleared out an entire room so there’s more space to move things around.

He’s sick again. I found out Thursday that he went to the ER from work because he was having such a hard time breathing. The doctor said he lungs sounded fine, so it’s not pneumonia or anything. The doctor said it was most likely a severe cold and gave Ox some prescriptions to help with his cough and congestion.

If I ever get done with writing, I plan to go clean a little bit on my own. Mostly vacuuming up sawdust so it’s not as icky out there. I’ve been told I can work on clearing out the basement as well since everything down there is trash.

I know there’s still a lot about my past days that I haven’t touched on. Two weeks of not writing will do that to you I guess. In the grand scheme of things, I don’t think there’s a lot of other stuff that’s really important.

I can’t deposit cash at any of the ATMs here. I can only use my branches ATMs to do that and the closest one is in Omaha, about an hour away. So I guess I need to get comfortable spending the cash that Ox gives me. He’s still paying me back for the help I gave him to cover his car payments. I’m grateful for his understanding and support and effort. It makes me feel like things are different.

He’s showing me that things are different.

I signed up for another Warrior Dash. My race is July 14th. I’m realizing that 14 may be one of my numbers…

February 14th is when I arrived here, at home, in Nebraska. March 14th is when I became a PCT. And now, July 14th is when I will run my race.

It’s interesting.

My mind feels quieter. I don’t think I really figured anything out. Maybe reflecting on the progress my life has made helped. Things did get done. Things did move forward. Yes, some things got added, but that’s ok because some things DID get completed. It’s not the overwhelming crushing force it felt like before.

Things are about to change, and that’s ok, too. I think it will be for the best even if in the beginning they’re a little harder.

I’m set for the coming week and even if Monday is a horrific day of unorganized chaos, that’s ok. It lets us know where things can be improved or modified so the rest of the next two months don’t suck so bad. My FA will be there to witness it first hand and as a competent worker, I know my opinion will be heard if I say there’s an issue.

Things will be ok. Worrying is a misuse of the imagination. I would rather feed that energy into making progress here, at home, so that’s what I’m going to do.

 

Daily Post 083: And Then Booze…

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Written last night.
Posted today because guildmates
are bad amazing influences. 

 


 

There are two full days worth of writing to get through. I’m hoping I have it in me to get to the end because productive day was productive. x.x

Also, totally high fiving myself for writing before another full week passed.

 


 

Friday – April 13th

Friday the 13th. A glorious day off where I did a whole lot of nothing. I woke up and had a morning cigarette with Ox. I went back to bed after an extremely brief exchange with Mama Ox. I was so not ready to socialize. In fact, for most of the day I wasn’t and I’m completely ok with that fact. Yesterday was pretty much the first day I had been able to have to myself since last Wednesday.

That’s over a week.

In introvert time that’s FOREEEEEVVVVVVVEEEEEEEER.

I eventually got back up and had breakfast. I talked to my brother, which was nice, followed shortly afterward by crawling back into bed. Eventually, I got up for lunch and proofread my last post and actually posted it. Woo. By then the bed needed to be cuddled again because it was lonely. I talked to Ox while he was on his lunch break. After a few more hours I finally got up and showered which helped generate some energy for my day, though by then it was already 3 pm. People come home by 5 pm usually, so in my mind, the day was already pretty much over.

I decided that I would use the little bit of time I had left to actually do some of the chores I needed to get done. I started by forcing myself to sit down and look at my bank account; something I was knowingly procrastinating on.

I was nearly brought to tears at how ok my finances were. I was able to pay ALL of my bills. Not only that, but I was able to pay extra, EXTRA, on my car payment, student loans, and credit card.

And… AND… I still had money for groceries and gas.

*mind blown*

It was amazing. I adulted the shit out of this paycheck, and it’s only going to get better from here. At least in theory. Until I’m able to get on one of the computers at work and see if there was a change in my wage or if this was just from the overtime I worked a few Saturdays ago, I’m not going to count any eggs or think of this as the norm. I also had a bit of extra from my tax return still in my account, so that helped as well.

Still totally ecstatic that I was able to make so much progress without having to buy ramen noodles. God, it’s such a good feeling.

I decided after paying bills that I would work on the new tattoo I want to get. It gave me a reason to unpack my tablet, which sort of sucked because when I went to plug the USB cable into it the port fell into my tablet…

I don’t even know how it could break that way, but I am left tabletless and Wacoms aren’t cheap. At least not the one I would want to get. Since I haven’t been using it I’m hardpressed to justify going out and getting another one. After stewing a bit I decided I’ll work on my tattoo design the old school way; with pencil and paper.

I was still able to do all of the research and design legwork that needed to get done for the concept, so even though I wasn’t able to make as much progress as I would have liked, or in the way I had originally planned, I was still able to take steps forward.

I talked to Jon again later in the evening, after everyone was home. Ox hurt his thumb pretty bad at work. It’s mostly just sore now though I guess it bled a lot while he was at work. When he came home I got to help him clean the cut and bandage it up.

I cooked dinner. Stir-fry. It was awesome, though not as awesome as the last time I made it. The only difference was last time I tried actually frying the noodles once they were boiled. I guess it really does matter so I’ll fry them again the next time I cook that particular meal, which I guess if Ox had his way would be every night for the rest of forever.

I don’t think I stayed up much past dinner. Ox and I slept with the bedroom window open. The forecast called for snow early in the morning so there was a pretty cold breeze outside. Perfect for snuggling under the covers close together. Though, I do want to point out how messed up it is to go from 80 degree, shorts and a t-shirt weather to snow…

 


 

Saturday – April 14th

I do have to say that today did not go as I thought it would, but it was an amazingly pleasant day regardless.

I woke up around 3 am because that’s when I’m conditioned to wake up. I went back to sleep until 6ish. I went outside, had a cigarette, came back inside, but didn’t really have the motivation to do anything while everyone else was still asleep.

I crawled back into bed beside Ox and slept for a bit longer. When I got up again I poked around on Facebook for a while, then decided it was close to 9 and that it was time for Ox to wake up. I vacuumed a bit but didn’t get a chance to finish the bedroom before breakfast was ready.

We had eggs, bacon, and waffles. It started snowing at some point while we were eating and the day wasn’t projected to get any better weather-wise.

Ox and I had talked about working out in the addition today, but those plans changed. His mom wanted to figure out the kitchen counters instead. I can’t blame her. Getting the kitchen squared away would be nice since that’s such a used area.

Instead of staying home, we took a bunch of measurements, I drew up a rough schematic of the countertops, I made a grocery list for later, showered, then headed into town to go to Menards.

We looked at countertops for two hours. x.x

I didn’t expect to be there that long. There was tension at a few points between Ox and his mom but overall it was nice. We got to look at new kitchen sinks, too, since Mama Ox doesn’t like the one in the kitchen right now. I was also able to buy a couple of racks to help organize the kitchen; one for skillets and one for baking sheets.

Since it was snowing, and because I still only own sandals, Ox and I agreed that going to a shoe store would be a good idea. We went to my new wing place and got lunch first. I had the same waitress as last time which was nice. She’s pretty friendly. Getting lunch at a relatively quiet place allowed me to recharge from the unexpected drain of counter shopping.

We went to Star Bucks after so I could have a coffee drink, then CVS so Ox could look at different band-aids for his thumb. There was a Famous Footwear store nearby where I was able to get a pair of sneakers I actually like. They’re black with accents of hot pink.

Ox has this thing where he wants me to wear pink. Raver pink, not soft fluffy pink, so I’m more ok with it, but pink really isn’t a color I’ve ever thought of as a “me” color. So yeah, getting shoes with pink in them was definitely a “for him” thing. The laces are pink, too, which at the time I thought was too much. I bought black laces to replace them with, along with socks since the only ones I have are for my work shoes.

It ended up being a bit more expense then I was expecting, but I like them and I needed a pair of shoes to work out in the addition in, or to wear on days like today where it’s cold and wet and snowy, though, hopefully, the snow part of it will be over after today.

There was a Jo-Ann Fabrics store next to the shoe store, so I ran in and bought a packet of tracing paper so I could work on my tattoo design later.

From there I went to a strip club.

Yep.

You totally read that right.

A strip club.

It was the first time I’ve ever been in one. There is a story behind the trip though not all of it is really mine to tell. The bullet point version, without backstory or supporting details is that Ox knows one of the girls who works there. He had to talk to her the other day and she mentioned how he seemed happier and better now that his ex was no longer in the picture. She asked if he was seeing anyone new. He said yes. She said she wanted to meet me and that she worked Saturday. So yeah… we went to a strip club so I could meet one of his friends.

She’s amazing and I feel we clicked pretty well as we talked about Disney movies and anima and how we both can’t wait to see Wreck-it-Ralph 2. We both want to hang out more and I’m actually looking forward to it. Aside from coworkers, I really haven’t met anyone in Nebraska yet. Ever, that’s her stripper name, seems to be the type of person I could actually be friends with.

It was a fun experience, striptease included, and I’m glad I went rather than using my introversion as an excuse not to. I was pretty dead on the energy side of things afterward, though. Meeting a new person in a totally foreign atmosphere was a lot for me and we still had grocery shopping to do. >.<;

Ox was awesome and drove us to the store I prefer. We got everything on the list along with stuff to make a recipe I haven’t made in ages; siracha honey chicken rice bowls.

I also got two 12 packs of Bang while we were there because I totally don’t have an addiction problem or need any sort of intervention…


 

And this is where my writing got interrupted by a conversation Ox and a guildmate from World of Warcraft were having in Discord which led to me logging in to join the conversation which led to me making a rum and coke drink so I could partake in the shenanigans. It was a nice way to end the night and I don’t regret not finishing my writing.

Long story short… Ox and I came home. I put groceries away. I cooked dinner. I sat down and started writing. I had an awesome conversation with friends and we might be trying to plan a guild meet up for next year. With that, I’m off to a new blank page to write about today. : D

 

Daily Post 079: Surviving Another Week

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It’s been a week, to the day, since I’ve written. I want to recap as much as I can remember because I need to remember this week. The ups, the downs. The accomplishments along with the moments of sadness and darkness that I was helped through.


 

March 27th – Tuesday


I had this day off last week. It was the day I wrote. It was the day I was annoyed with Warren his text message.

I felt better after writing. I messaged Ox before getting in the shower since it was close to his break time. He said he was going to be doing lunch with the guys and for me to go ahead and do my thing, so I did.

I showered which continued to help me feel good. I did go to the gym, working through the nervousness and anxiety I had at the thought of being there. I ended up using the “quick fit” room upstairs. It’s the first time I’ve been back upstairs since the yoga class I took almost a month ago.

There was no one else in the room. I got on one of the ellipticals and did that for a little bit to warm up then moved to the machines that are in the room. They’re all bodyweight type machines. The harder you push or pull the more resistance there is. It wasn’t a super intense workout, but I enjoyed it. They have weighted bars in the room so I did a few exercises with those. I also used the exercise balls they had to do “jack-knives”, an exercise L would have me do sometimes during our core circuits.

I was going through everything a second time when I got a phone call from Jon. I decided that was my cue to stop. It was his birthday so I wasn’t going to skip his call and I knew I wouldn’t be in the same mindset to keep going after talking with him. It was a good conversation. He wanted me to proofread an essay for his class if I had time to. I told him to email me a link to the document. Once I was done grocery shopping and was at home I would take a look at it and we could chat about it later in the evening.

I got to tell him a happy birthday.

I’m close to having my “new member” card filled out at the YMCA. I only need one more trip in to get my free t-shirt. I know I’m thinking about it wrong, but it’s sort of sad to me. In two months I’ve only been to the gym nine times. One of those times was to swim in the pool with Ox’s daughter so I don’t even know if that should really count.

Instead of being down on myself I should look at it positively. I could not have gone to the gym at all. I could have stayed home all of those times and done nothing. It doesn’t count the workout I did at 9 Round or my five-mile bike ride. It doesn’t account for the facts of my move and settling in, or the times it snowed and was icky outside. It doesn’t account for the days of grief as mom’s death day draws closer.

It’s always easy to look at what hasn’t been done. What is missing or lacking or can be improved on. It’s harder to step back and look at what DID get done.

I’ve gone to the gym 9 times. That’s nine more times than some people. That doesn’t make me feel like a bawce. It doesn’t give me a feeling of pride or accomplishment, but it does let me know that I’m still trying, sort of like when you try to start up a weed-wacker or lawnmower. it’s like those first pulls where the machine rumbles and sputters, trying to start, but not quite getting there. I feel like that’s what all these past two months have been. I’m trying. I’m getting closer, but I’m still not mentally where I need to be to keep going, to stay started.

Yes, I could be doing “better”. But I could also be doing worse. I could be doing nothing at all. I would rather give myself a small pat on the back for the effort of trying rather than bashing myself and making it seem like my effort isn’t good enough. I know that area of my life is in a sort of fragile state right now, and negative self-talk has never helped in the past so I’m trying to refrain from letting it seep into my thoughts now.

After the gym, I went to the grocery store with the money Ox had left for me. I decided against buying what I needed for my zoodle recipe. There were leftover enchiladas that needed to be eaten, so I got extra lettuce and salsa to go with it. I got a few Bang energy drinks since they are bright moments in my day. I got instant coffee packs for my lunch box along with mini Dove chocolates. There was a bag of dark chocolate with caramel and sea salt. They’ve been amazing so far. My chocolate piece is something I look forward to at the end of my lunch breaks.

I also got eggs and milk for the house. Ox had asked me to pick up mayonnaise for him, too, which made me feel better. I got to get things to make other people’s lives easier. By getting the eggs and milk Mama Ox didn’t have to go out. I got something Ox needed for his lunch box. I also picked him up a bag of Buffalo Ranch Doritos since he likes those and I wanted him to have something as a thank you for giving me money in the first place.

All in all, I stayed under the $40 he gave me, but not by much.

I wasn’t a fan of the store I went to. It was the closest one to the gym which seemed convenient at the time, but I wasn’t as comfortable there. The parking lot was more crowded, as was the store itself. I’m still figuring out things that I like and dislike about the area. Just like in Orlando, I had preferences and “my stores”. I’m finding them here in Nebraska.

If I had to, I could go back to that particular location to do grocery shopping again, but if I have a choice and am on my own, I most likely will drive the extra few miles to go to the one I like more.

When I got home I put the groceries away, meal prepped, and continued with laundry. Jon and I did talk about his essay and then proceeded to continue talking about nothing important. It was a nice conversation and I’m glad he and I were able to talk as much as we did.


March 28th – Wednesday

I worked that day. It was super foggy on the way into work but I made it there fine. I got a text message from Big Bad saying happy hump day and wishing me well at work. Ox overslept and ended up being a bit late for work. Before leaving to head home I had to put the clinic’s CWP into its disinfect cycle. I also had to replace the container of Minncare, the chemical used for the disinfectant, since it was low. It’s not hard, but it’s the first time I’ve had to do anything with the CWP other than read the numbers on the display screen, so I was glad to have had the opportunity to do everything while being supervised. It means I’ll be ok not only initiating the disinfect cycle but replacing the Minncare on my own next time.

That’s about all I can remember about Wednesday day, though.

*takes a short cigarette break*

After consulting with Ox I remember a few more details about Wednesday.

That was the day Ox came home with a small packet of zucchini noodles for me from the store. That means Wednesday was also the day he brought home body wash for us since we were almost out. I had been unable to find what we wanted at the store I had gone to on Tuesday.

But yeah… neither of us can remember anything overly specific about that day. I guess that means we’ll put a dash on the “routine” side of the scoreboard for Wednesday and there’s a small measure of comfort in being able to do that. I wasn’t overly sad on Wednesday. Work wasn’t insane or crazy stressful. I didn’t have issues sleeping that night or the night before.

It was a regular day and I’m glad I can still have those.


March 29th – Thursday

Thursday was the first day I took the clinic’s CWP out of its disinfect cycle. The main RN was there to watch me do it, just like she had been there to watch me put it into disinfect. It’s another fairly easy process, one which I’ll be comfortable doing on my own next time, which will be this Thursday when I go back to work.

It was a short day consisting of only one shift of patients. As I was driving home I decided to go to the gym. I ran on the treadmill, making it through all of my run intervals and finally getting back over the one-mile mark. I didn’t feel dead at the end of it. I actually felt pretty good. There was no breaking of records or anything, but I’m happy with the progress I’ve made since the first time I went to the gym here in Nebraska.

In just a handful of runs, I’ve gone from not being able to complete even half of my intervals to getting through a full run and still having it in me to do more, which I did.

Thursday was the first day where I got on the machines and tested where I was at weight wise. Again, no record breaking since it was more about getting comfortable with the machines themselves and seeing how far I had regressed, but it was nice to stretch out into that territory of newness.

I’m happy that it seems like I haven’t slipped that much in regards to the weight I can handle. I’m more comfortable with the idea of going back to the gym and getting back on the machines and actually doing a “leg day” or “arm day” routine where I do push myself. I’ve been on the machines once. I’ve set the weights. I’ve moved the seats and bars into proper positions. I’ve toed the waters and gone through the initial, “oh god, I look like a noob and everyone is staring at me as I look incompetent, starting and stopping and adjusting and starting only to stop and adjust again, why couldn’t I have just gotten it right the first time >.<; ” so next time it can be all business and badassery.

Me: What’s that, Life? You thought you could stop me? Oh. Don’t mind me while I crush you into the ground.

I did go to the store after the gym, but for the life of me, I can’t remember why or what I go. I just know from going through my text messages that I did… Guess it was another moment of routine-non-memorableness.

Thursday was a particular sexy day on the relationship side of things. And I won’t go into details on that other than to say I have absolutely no complaints.

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March 30th – Friday

Work was crazy, but even with all the hiccups, it wasn’t as bad as a normal day in Orlando. I had to switch out one of the machines because the new RN and I couldn’t figure out the alarm message it was giving. Biomed said they would take a look at it the next time they were at our clinic.

Friday was also payday. The day I had been holding my breath for. So imagine how not ok I was when I ended up being short 20 hours…

Yeah… what the actual fuck?

I knew I was going to be short at least eight by not going to work the previous Saturday, but 20? What the hell?

Once all of the patients were on the machines I took a look at my paystub and realized that the 15th, the day after my certification exam, I wasn’t clocked for any hours even though I know I was at the clinic that day because everyone asked me how I did on the exam.

And this is where it gets a bit confusing talking about people who have yet to be given code names, because at the moment I have three FAs.

I have my old FA in Orlando. I have the FA who has handled all of my stuff so far and who is technically in charge of my clinic. And then there is who will eventually be my FA, who is still in training.

So, the main FA, the one I have been working the most with, was actually at the clinic on Friday which made it easy to talk to her about my paycheck. She corrected the missing hours and I’ll be getting a separate check mailed to the clinic for my missing pay. So that’s nice. Even though I would have liked to have had the money now, at least I’m getting it.

I talked to her more about the reimbursement for my tests and fees which apparently there’s something else I need to do to actually get that money. It’s not like the company adds it to a check or something. No. I have to go into a program and request to be reimbursed and provide proof of having spent the money and shit.

Firstly, I’m glad I kept copies of that stuff.

Secondly, why didn’t anyone tell me that I had to do this like… a month ago… I would have fucking done it already. Arg. >.<;

At least I know what I need to do to finally get that money.

I also found out that since Beatrice is my home clinic, any time I work elsewhere I can get travel compensation which would be roughly $30. Not that I’m scheduled to work elsewhere during this month’s schedule, nor do I want to in the future, but it’s nice to know it’s there and how I can get it in the future.

I was also told that there’s a program here in Nebraska called The Step Up Program. It’s basically a way to decrease the wage gap for technicians. My FA said she will look into that for me since I meet all of the criteria for the 12-month increase. So I may be getting another boost in the near future, not that I’ve gotten either of the two I’ve already earned yet, at least not on this paycheck.

My FA said for me to keep an eye on it. If it doesn’t post on this next check she’ll look into seeing if there’s an issue. She also assured me that I would be retro-paid from the day I earned my certification and for the day my yearly review was marked as complete.

While we were talking, which, yes, we did talk for a while, she asked if I had completed some training she had wanted me to look into. I told her that I hadn’t. I guess it was sort of a big deal that needed to get done before the end of the month. Keep in mind this conversation was happening on the 30th… you know… the day before the end of the month…

I asked my FA if I wasn’t able to get to it during the day if she wanted me to stay after work to do it. She said she would rather I come in on Saturday, which I wasn’t super jazzed about, but I figured it wouldn’t be all that bad. I could still have the morning to myself and I wouldn’t be working the floor. It was only two courses, and it would be overtime.

I said I would come in Saturday and then went back to tackling the day.

I took a moment to message Warren since I hadn’t heard anything back from him. Ox and I drank that night since we wanted to. Nothing major, just enough to unwind. He bought me a bottle of black cherry spiced rum. It’s tasty. : 3


 

March 31st – Saturday

I woke up and had a leisurely morning. I was getting ready to go to work when I got a text message from the tech working at my clinic. Her kid was sick and she wanted to know if I could cover the remainder of the day for her. I said that I had to come into work to do computer stuff anyway, so yeah, I would cover for her.

It really didn’t change much about my day other than how much overtime I’ll be getting. And all I had to do was take patients off the machines since everyone was already on by the time I got there. I got to make sure the clinic was set up the way I wanted for Monday. All Is dotted. All Ts crossed. All pens put back away in their drawer. All setups out with two hemostats and tourniquets for the patients with fistulas. It was a nice feeling.

I didn’t get a chance to start on my computer work until after the day was over, which I was ok with. I was left alone, by myself, at the clinic so I could listen to my music and work uninterrupted. I got through a lot of training actually, not just the two that needed to get done before the end of the month. My old FA had assigned me a test in regards to my annual review. That took the longest since it was a 75 question test.

I called it quits around 12:30. I made it home shortly after that. Ox and I spent the rest of the afternoon cleaning up the laundry room, which looks completely different now that the old weight machine that was in there is gone. We actually got rid of a bunch of stuff and organized the rest of it. I still need to go through the cabinet out there along with the piles of stuff on top of the freeze and cabinet, but that’s all stuff I should be able to do relatively on my own. I’ll at least be able to make a box of “go through this” for the things I’m not sure about.

It was an extremely productive day which continued into the evening.

Ox and I went into town for dinner. On the way, we stopped at Home Depot since I had found a shelving unit online that I liked and wanted to get for the clinic. They didn’t have it in stock though, which was a little disappointing. I didn’t want to wait two weeks for it to be shipped to me either.

Ox suggested going to another store in the area. I’m glad we did. I was able to get the socks I wanted for work along with a shelving unit that I liked more than the one I had seen on the Home Depot website and it was significantly cheaper. And I can add that to my list of things to put in my report for what I need to be reimbursed for. Woo.

And actually, Ox is the one who bought my socks. Warm fuzzy feelings. ❤

We tried going to dinner at a wing place I’ve been wanting to try, but they were super busy and noisy. We decided to try the Italian buffet we’ve been to before. If they were busy we would figure out something to take home instead.

The buffet was passable as far as the noise and crowdedness levels went. It was a pretty decent outing and I’m glad we went. The people behind me were playing Magic the Gathering which made me smile.

I did happen to see one of my coworkers while we were at dinner; my preceptor to boot. Out of all of the days to run into someone and out of the roughly 10 people in all of Nebraska that I know, I had to see her and her family on the one day I’m doing date night… for serious, Universe?

In all honesty, it wasn’t that bad. We nodded at each other and left it at that, neither of us wanting to bring work into our non-work lives I guess.

Ox and I had drinks again when we got home.

It was a pretty awesome day and I’m glad I got to experience it.

 


 

So… that’s a lot of writing and I’m pretty much done for now. I’ll catch up on the rest of everything tomorrow. I’m glad I’m ending with memories of my good day. Today itself has been mostly rough, so remembering how awesome Saturday was makes me feel better.

 

Daily Post 78: Continuing to Recover

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I’m glad I didn’t write yesterday. It would have been a post about hopelessness and grief and how everything in life is meaningless… Not really warm fuzzy feelings…

I didn’t sleep at all Sunday night. And by “at all” I mean I literally did not sleep at all and had to go to work sick and exhausted and even though I knew it was going to be a better day then what I would have worked in Orlando I had to fight back tears as I took my shower, thinking about the endless day I had ahead of me.

I’ve learned that my sadness and grief will ALWAYS have a better chance of gaining a foothold when I’m tired. My body ached. My head hurt. I was nauseous from lack of sleep rather than the sickness, but still, the sensations were there, keeping me from wanting to eat which didn’t help anything at all. I didn’t have coffee. I didn’t have cigarettes… I really didn’t do myself any favors in making yesterday any easier.

I made it through my shift. It actually went smoothly all things considered. I completed the water room on my own again. I took care of the meters. I tested the machines for residual disinfectant. I did everything I was supposed to do and it went well.

The weather yesterday sucked so several of our patients were “late-ish”. They all pretty much showed up at the same time, too, which made things feel rushed. No one likes sitting around waiting, and knowing that you have three other people dinking around until your done makes you feel pressured even though you’re really not. At least it does for me. Maybe that’s something I need to work on…

Anywho, first shift got on relatively on time even though it was just me and the RN yesterday. Our first day together, on our own, with no additional help. Go us.

Once everyone was on the machines I was able to start tackling the chores for the clinic. Preparing the packs for the next day, including labs, which actually weren’t done for our first shift because whoever worked Saturday didn’t do it like they should have. That was another hitch to the start of the morning, but we recovered from it and it didn’t hinder the rest of the day since I was able to do the packs for second shift before it started.

Yesterday was the first day were I really took over making sure labs were spun properly and put away. It’s not hard. I didn’t think it would be, but it is an added responsibility to be aware of and I’m glad that despite being as tired as I was that I did it on my own. It adds another level of ownership to my work and my place at the clinic.

During my first break, my FA came into the breakroom to talk to me. Since I wasn’t at work Saturday a lot of my skills list stuff didn’t get checked off like it needed to. She wanted to know if I would be ok with coming into work for a little bit today, my day off, to get that completed.

It’s not like I could have said “no”. I need this stuff signed off so everything is legal and squared away. And, realistically, I did it to myself by calling out on Saturday. I said yes, I could come in and explained that if I seemed defeated or sad that it was because I was super tired from not being able to sleep the night before. I explained how I spent most of my weekend coughing and sick and sleeping when I was able to and how that most likely threw off my sleep schedule. I said I honestly didn’t mind coming in on my day off. It was just a rough day and once I got some sleep I would be fine.

My FA was understanding and said she appreciated my willingness to come in. She left me alone after that and I tried not to let the thought of having an additional obligation on my plate eat away at my non-existent motivation to keep going through the day.

Second shift had its own issue with a patient showing up late, so I had to stay longer than what the schedule suggested. I ended up being at work an hour later than “normal” but that ended up being a good thing. One of the preceptors I was working with when I first moved to Nebraska was at the clinic. She signed me off on all of the water room stuff along with a lot of other paperwork that needed to get done, so I don’t have to go to work today. Hooray!

It did give me a bit of silver lining towards the end, but I was so done with the day that I knew it didn’t really matter in the moment. It would matter when I woke up and had the day to myself. In the moment, however, I still had a 30-minute drive home, plus having to figure out dinner, plus dreading the thought that I might have pushed myself so far that I wouldn’t be able to sleep because my body is weird like that sometimes.

I made it home. I had a cigarette with Ox as I talked a bit about my day. One of the things that added to the level of “hardness” was that I couldn’t find my socks when I got to work yesterday morning. I’ve been leaving my shoes in my locker. I wear my flipflops into work and I switch shoes before I clock in. I had made sure I had socks in the front pocket of my backpack before I left but when I got to work I couldn’t find them. I checked my car. I checked the parking lot…

Nothing.

So I spent the whole day sockless which felt weird and gross and, again, didn’t help anything.

Me: Fuck you, too, Universe…

I guess they had fallen out in the driveway at home because Ox found them when he got back to the house. So much lame. >.<

It’s something I’ve been thinking about, though. How I only have two pairs of socks and that I really would like to get a few more pairs. I want to leave a stash of clean socks at work with my shoes and take the dirty ones home with me. Once they’ve been washed and are clean again I can take the stash with me back to work and not have to worry about forgetting a pair and having to go through another horrifically sockless day.

That will most likely have to wait until Friday though since I’m broke until I get paid.

It was nice to stand outside and unwind and bitch for a bit before going into the house. When we eventually came inside I made a ham sandwich along with a glass of Jack and Coke and I didn’t feel bad about doing it.

Ox’s mom came home with groceries and started making spaghetti for dinner, which is where things became super painful for me.

Spaghetti sounded amazing, and I jokingly made the comment about his mom being the best mom ever… It wasn’t until after I said those words that I realized the words I had said and there really wasn’t a way to recover from them.

I felt awful. Awful in levels that I haven’t felt in a really long time.

How?

How could I have said those words even as a joke?

How could I have done that to my own mom, when she hasn’t even been dead for two years?

It gave the hopeless, pointless feelings an even stronger grasp on my sad, exhausted mind. My drink became one of dulling pain you can’t hide from. Pain you know is still there but the alcohol makes you more ok with the sensation of slowly bleeding to death from a wound only you can feel.

When Ox told me things would be ok I said that I knew they would be, I just wished it felt like it. I said I knew all of this was from tiredness and that I would be better after sleeping. Knowing those facts didn’t seem to make last night any easier and I struggled with the question of “Why?” for the rest of the time I was awake, which wasn’t long thankfully.

I still don’t have answers to those questions. Why go throw this? What’s the point? What’s the meaning of life and the reason to suffering through every day for the rest of forever without mom? Why accomplish anything when I can’t tell her about it? When she can’t be part of it?

Still no deep philosophical answers for any of that. I still don’t have a reason other than I promised that I would because I knew/know she wants me to keep going. Other than because I actually do smile small smiles when I’m alone and thinking about the future and how it could play out. Because I actually do feel warmth more often than not now when I think about living my life even if I have to fight through anxiety and terror at the thought of losing it all. At having it burn down to ashes or shatter into shards around me. Watching it slip through my fingers into helpless ruin as I have to continue to survive and function as another precious thing that I love dies in front of me.

I know that may seem overly dramatic but that’s what I feel when I think about enjoying my life. Mom died and it felt like I lost everything. I didn’t have a reason to keep going. I didn’t have a purpose. And now that I’m finding those things again, feeling them again, I’m scared of feeling those feelings of loss all over again. It sucks and it’s another part of the healing process; acknowledging and working through all of these annoying, relentless feelings…

I don’t really know where I’m at in the recovery process. All I can say is that after sleeping, living doesn’t seem like the dauntless, impossible task that it did yesterday and that I do have the energy and mild drive to do the things I want and need to do today.

I did cough a bit last night. I don’t remember when I fell asleep. I remember eating dinner and talking about work and answering a bunch of questions about dialysis. I remember finishing my drink. I think I remember curling up in bed after dinner, but that’s hazy and I don’t remember anything past that point.

I think Ox came to bed… At least I’m assuming at some point he did because when I woke up at 11pm coughing my remaining lung out he was asleep beside me. I stayed in bed hoping it was a fit that would pass but after a while, I got up and slept on the couch since being elevated more seems to help with the coughing.

Around 4:45 this morning I woke up again. I crawled back into bed and slept until Ox woke me up to say goodbye before going to work. We had a cigarette outside together. I wished him well.

He said there was $40 for me to go grocery shopping since the previous night, while we were on the porch, I had mentioned that I wanted to cook my chicken zoodle meal for lunch this week, but that I didn’t have any money aside from my credit card and I didn’t want to use it again. I could survive until Friday; the day I get paid.

He tried giving me the money last night. I was still in my “near tears” mode when I asked, “Please don’t.” Accepting the money or help of any sort feels like failing. It feels like I’m not doing good enough on my own still. It feels like I’m not holding up my end of the deal where I support myself and help make things easier.

I don’t think that’s how he sees it. He said we’re supposed to help each other and that he understands getting help and support from my partner isn’t something I’m used to. The money is sitting next to me as I type this and I still don’t like the idea of using it, which conflicts with the feelings of warmth at the thought of being able to have one of my favorite meals which I haven’t been able to make in over a month. I would be able to buy the little instant coffee packs to have coffee at work for the rest of the week. I could get coffee creamer for at home. And I could get them without adding more interest to the credit card. I could have small, nice things, that would make my days a little brighter…

It’s not my money, though, and my brain makes me painfully aware of that fact. It’s a gift. It’s kindness. And there’s an injured part of me who feels unworthy of this kindness. Like I have to repay it in some way because if I don’t then I owe and owing is bad.

I still need to figure that out, like so many other things in my emotional life. /sigh

I do know that so far the morning has been nice. I stayed in bed until 9 since I didn’t have to be awake for anything. I’ve had breakfast which consisted of a donut. In no way healthy, but it was still good and I gave the Universe the middle finger as I ate it for all the shit I dealt with yesterday. I’ve had part of my coffee as I sat on the porch. It’s a cold day today but at least it’s not rainy like yesterday. I don’t dread the thought of having to drive into town in icky weather or worry about ice being on the roads.

I plan to shower after I finish writing since that will hopefully help generate a bit more energy within myself. I want to start a load of laundry since Ox and I both need clean clothes. I can drive into town, do the grocery shopping, then come back to finish up with meal prep and the clothes, ensuring everything is done and in line since I work the next three days in a row.

One of the things with the kitchen was the top shelves being full of dusty, unused mason jars. I pulled them all down last week and vacuumed up the dust on the shelves. I also washed the jars so they aren’t icky anymore. Ox’s mom wants to keep most of them. Right now they’re in cardboard boxes in the living room, taking up space and not really doing any better of a job about being out of the way then they were in the kitchen. Maybe worse actually…

I would like to wrap them up in the bubble wrap I saved from moving up here and pack them into one of the bins I had planned to donate. Warren got me a few replacement bins for the ones of mine he still had in his room, but they’re a different size than my original ones, so I don’t like them because they’re different. I know that’s petty and silly, but there you go. They don’t match so they don’t belong…

I think it would be a good use for at least one of the bins; storing the jars. That way the jars are safe and neatly tucked away in one location in a fairly nice bin that is totally usable… just not for anything regarding my personal stuff because I’m weird … myself…

I haven’t figured out where to put the bin after it’s full… maybe in the basement once that gets cleaned. It would be silly to put it in the addition since we still need to straighten it up and finish the electrical work… or maybe in the laundry room once things out there get squared away…

Yeah… there’s a lot of work to be done, but the gears are turning and I know as Ox and I become less sick and the weather turns better things will start moving forward faster.

On the subject of to-do stuff… I also want to reach out to my old landlord and see what’s going on with the lease since I can’t get a straight answer from Warren. He did finally replay to me, which I almost wish he hadn’t…

He says he’s going to “try to make the internet account a priority this week,” you know… since it’s been over a month since I’ve been gone and it still hasn’t been taken care of… He also said that I never gave him an address to send my spare key to and that’s why he hasn’t sent it yet.

Dick… You could have mentioned two weeks ago that you didn’t have an address to send it to rather than making it seem like I was my fault it hadn’t gotten taken care of yet…

He said he didn’t know anything about a roommate release form…

I’m not supposed to be on the lease… that means I have to be signed off the lease… how did you not know there should have been another form when we’ve been talking about this since before I moved?

2wyovrllr8z3

In lighter news, I was told that the reimbursement for the test fee and registry fee for work should happen pretty quickly so I’m hoping for that to be part of this coming paycheck.

Anywho, Right now I want to take care of my day and keep making small steps towards progress so what’s what I’m going to go do.

 

Daily Post 073: Two Weeks Later

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Things are going well.

It’s been two weeks to the day since I’ve written. Time gets pushed ahead an hour which is sort of lame, but overall my body hasn’t noticed a difference.

I’ve been sleeping better the past few nights which is nice. For a while, I was having a hard time being able to sleep. The past five days or so have also been rough. Nothing bad has happened. I’ve just been sad.

I think there are a lot of factors that go into that.

The biggest is that it’s almost the two-year anniversary of mom’s death. I don’t like the word anniversary. I think I wrote about that last year; how anniversary makes it sound like something to celebrate. It’s another day where I have to go out and buy a flower for her. It’s the second time I will have to go and stand in front of the fake flower display at some store and figure out which one I want to get to signify this event in my life that I didn’t want to have happen.

It’s a heavy thought. This impending action I have to do. That I need to do. That I promised myself I would do because I have to do something to show that this day is significant. I don’t have a grave I can go to. All I can do is place my hands on her urn after adding another flower to the crystal vase I bought and make my promises all over again.

Not promises of being happy or not having breakdowns.

My promises to eat. To not stay in bed all day. To at least shower.

My promises of bare minimal survival because as long as I survive I can keep going which is what she wants for me.

I had a dream the other night while Ox was playing World of Warcraft next to me. I guess it was sort of a waking dream. I knew I was in bed with him. I knew it had been a while since I had talked to mom. I hadn’t seen her in a while and I knew she would be worrying about me. I had the thought that I should call her so she wouldn’t worry about me. So I could let her know I was going to be staying with Ox and that I wouldn’t be home for a while. I wanted to let her know I was ok.

It sucked when in the dream I remembered that’s now how this works anymore. I can’t call the same way I used to. But maybe that’s something I should be aware of. I haven’t written to her in a while. I’ve talked to her a few times. I’ve told her I miss her and that I wish things were different.

I like the way things are going in my life. I like where I am and I do look forward to my future most days. I know mom is happy for me. I just wish she were here to visit or to meet Ox or any number of the things that I feel like I can’t have or do because her presence isn’t physical.

I got my raise at work. 2%. So… like a quarter. I’m not complaining since most first-year techs get nothing. My boss and former teammates had nothing but positive things to say about my performance and character. Most of my ratings were 4 out of 5. They were actually really hard pressed to find anything constructive for me to work on since I’m pretty good about continuously improving. They mentioned that I was late for work a few times, but that was it. Other than that they all loved working with me and were confident that I would do well at my new clinics.

I am scheduled to take my national certification this Wednesday. I’m mildly nervous about it but I’ve started going through my flashcards again and I’ve been going through several lists on Quizlet and adding to my flash card collection when I run into things that I don’t know or feel I should add to my own cards.

I know I’ll continue to internally worry about the test until it’s over and I know mom will be standing behind me doing the “I told you so” dance when I pass the first time. If I didn’t worry I wouldn’t study or try so hard. I know in its own way my worry is a good thing. I just need to keep it in check and make sure it doesn’t change into anxiety.

I’m going to continue to be in training at work for the next two weeks which is mildly annoying, but I’ll finally be at the Beatrice clinic which I’m looking forward to. I’ll get a whole extra hour of sleep. 3 am wake-up calls instead of 2 am. Woo!

It’s sort of sad being an adult and being excited about shit like that.

I have slowly been working myself back into my routines. I meal prepped today which was extremely gratifying. I made chef salads along with a chicken alfredo dish. I made venison chili for dinner, too, which everyone seemed to like.

All of the laundry is done. The dishes are taken care of. My bag is packed for the gym tomorrow if I feel like going. All I need to do is fill my water bottles and I’ll be done with my “work prep” stuff. It’s a good feeling to feel like I’m on top of things in that regard.

I did go and talk to the YMCA guys earlier last week. Since I’ll be working in Beatrice it would be easier to go to the gym there rather than driving all the way back into Lincoln, but I wasn’t sure if my membership would work like that.

Well… it does. And if it ever becomes a problem with me going to the Beatrice gym more than the Lincoln one they said they would work it out. They’re more concerned with me going rather than where I go. It was actually a much less painful experience then what I was anticipating, so yeah. Depending on how work goes I might go and check out the gym before coming home. If not, there’s Tuesday which will be a shorter day and theoretically leave me with more time and energy for new things.

It all depends, and I’ve been doing pretty good about not giving myself shit for not being consistent with my gym going. It’s still very obviously winter here and the cold and cloudiness makes it hard to find the drive to go out or stay out. I’m still “new” at the gym and most days I don’t feel like dealing with more new since pretty much everything in my life is new.

New house. New town. New clinics. New state. New relationship. New bed. New elbows stabbing me at night. Yes… I know eventually you’ll read this, so I’m putting that part in there especially for you. Kisses :3

Sometimes making it through my obligations of work is enough for me. I got through all of that “new”. I don’t want to deal with more “new”. So I don’t. I know eventually, I’ll get there. Small steps. And I think that’s the biggest part I’m learning right now. Not everything has to happen right now, this second. I can take time to adjust and breath and get used to things before slowly adding onto the things I get established and stable.

I did go running the week before last. It was the first time I’ve run in a while. That sucked. Hardcore. My legs hurt, my breathing sucked, and I can tell that I’ve gained a little bit of weight back. When I bowed in on the mat at the gym to stretch after my shitty run I couldn’t bend as far or twist as much as I used to and almost every muscle complained at me, reminding me that I haven’t done anything remotely consistent since the beginning of December.

The yoga class I went to last Saturday was more about trying not to die while in downward dog than finding any sort of inner peace and I was sore for days afterward.

Overall my first gym experiences here were pretty demotivating and that’s something I’m having to align within myself.

That was my square one and that’s ok. Everything from those points forward will be a step forward from here. It doesn’t matter where I am or where I was at. What matters is what I DO.

So I went running again this week and I did better. My legs were less sore. My breathing was better. I was able to stretch deeper afterward. It was nice to see myself regain so much in such a short time. So I’m not as demotivated as I was and I think that’s helped make today better than what the past few days have been.

Financially things are tight. Warren is being himself. Mrs. Side Chick moved in but Warren is still trying to get his finances straight which means right now he has no money to give me.

Full Sail never got around to writing the check they owe me so that hasn’t shown up yet. Neither has my tax return. I got paid $4 this past paycheck because the only hours I got were the hours that I shadowed…

So yeah… I don’t have money to pay my car payment which is due tomorrow. It sucks, but there you go. I can’t magically poof money into my account. Payday isn’t until Friday. I’m going to call the bank tomorrow and let them know the situation. In the two or three years that I’ve had the car, I haven’t been late on my payments once. Maybe that will earn me a few brownie points or something. If not I guess I’m eating a late fee.

I’m hyper aware that I would be fucked right now if it wasn’t for the kindness of Ox’s parents. I stay here rent free. They pay for pretty much all the food. Today was the first time that I put any sort of “serious” money towards groceries and that was mainly because I was buying things for my lunches at work. I’ve bought things here and there, but this was the first major shopping trip that I’ve made for the house, and even then I only had to spend $50 since Ox’s mom gave me some money before I left for the store.

I feel awkward and… bad?… accepting her help like that, but I also know that I wouldn’t be able to do anything without it. I try to make up for it by cleaning and helping. Which that’s a story for another time.

I will say it’s nice not being the only person doing chores. Everyone does a little bit.

And yet as I write that I feel the need to say that the past few days I haven’t done as much as I was when I first moved here.

There was one day where I slept pretty much all day. Because of the sadness, I’ve been sleeping more. Ox and I talk about it sometimes. I ask his opinion. I know it would be better for me to sit and write more; to try to figure out my emotions for myself, but I like knowing what he observes in my behavior and his opinion of it.

The other night, the night where I slept most of the day, I came out for dinner, but shortly after eating I went back to the room, leaving my plate and cup on the table. Normally I would clear the dishes away and load the dishwasher, storing the leftovers into containers and making sure the kitchen is clean, but I didn’t have it in me to do it that night. Dinner was the most I could bring my self to do as far as human interaction. The sadness hurt and being around others made it that much more painful. I had made my appearance. I wanted to go back to the room where I could hide under the covers and continue to be sad because those emotions weren’t done yet.

I guess Ox’s mom was worried that I was silently protesting doing the dishes by leaving my stuff on the table, which made me feel awful because that’s not what it was at all. I hadn’t even realized I had left my stuff like I had. I was so wrapped up in getting away that I didn’t think about it. I didn’t think about how my actions might have been taken by others.

Ox said he explained the situation to her; how I’ve been having a hard time. Nothing further was mentioned about it so I guess things are ok. I’ve made a conscious effort to not let my sadness hinder others or create more work for those around me.

And I guess since I’m writing about everything I might as well throw in the fact that I’ve been on my period this whole time which totally doesn’t help anything.

Body: Hey. I know that you feel shitty right now. Here. Have this. It will help. : D

Me: … I really fucking hate you right now… Just so you know…

I’m glad that I can write that today feels more like a normal day. Everyone else is sick with head colds, but I’m finally breathing better. I’ve slept well the past few days. I’ve had two days off from work. I got my Ubox unpacked and into a storage unit which makes it feel more official. I got to touch all of my things again, and even though I don’t have them here at the house with me, I have them stored and permanently here.

Eventually, when I have money to spend, I plan to get another tattoo. This one will be on my right forearm and it will be for me. It will be the final mark of this transition. I’m looking forward to that day.

I know March is going to suck as far as finances go. Maybe I’ll get my new tattoo on April 4th. That gives me three weeks to create the design and find someone I like and schedule an appointment. I know I won’t get a tattoo every April 4th, but maybe this could be a way of marking my new year since that’s when it begins for me.

March is where I start getting full paychecks again. It’s when my schedule becomes stable. It’s where I get back on my feet. It’s where, hopefully, the weather starts to warm. It’s where I get back to the gym.

Surviving March is where things begin. I want that to mean something and I want something to mark this step forward for me. It’s something to meditate on further. I guess a lot of that depends on how this month actually goes. As irresponsible as it might be I could use the credit card to get the tattoo. It’s not like that debt is going to go anywhere anytime soon…

I think another part of the sadness I’ve felt recently is finally having the space to feel all the things I never let myself feel in Orlando. I have the space here to be sad. I have the time to come home and let the emotions have their time. I don’t have the constant drain of work. I have the time for self-care and maybe before I start really delving into that I have to go through the hurt and sadness first.

I don’t know. I haven’t really done a lot of soul-searching yet, but now with everything settling down maybe the sadness is my soul’s way of saying it’s time to look at those painful wounds that have been neglected for so long.

Writing helps. I’m glad that in addition to everything I have done today, that I have not only written but also made noticeable progress on the cross stitch I have been working on. Maybe I’ll start taking weekly pictures of it so I can track it.

Who knows. There are so many things I can do, or not do, and I have the space and time to do or not do them. It’s such a weird feeling and is another thing I’m having to adjust to.

My therapist actually reached out to me today. She said she had been thinking about me. I replied back explaining a bit of what has been going on in my life and asked if I could talk to her about some things that I would like her opinion on. She replied back saying of course. We can definitely talk. She wants me to let her know what my schedule is so we can work something out.

It’s nice to know I still have her support and connection.

When I first moved here I had anxiety any time Ox or I had to leave to go anywhere. I kept thinking about how one of us would get into a car wreck or die some horrible death and how we had both found happiness just for it to be stanched away from us.

I haven’t had those feelings for a few weeks now, but I still want to talk to my therapist about them. I also want to talk to her about the sadness I’ve felt this past week and mom’s upcoming death day.

At the moment I don’t really have much else to say.

I’m glad I wrote. I’m glad that even though everyone is sick that it’s been a pretty decent day. I’m glad dinner was a success. I’m glad I’m prepared for the coming week. I’m glad I’m finally going to be taking my test. I’m glad I’ll be at what will soon be my home clinic. I’m glad this Friday I get paid. I’m glad I have a car that works. I’m glad I have my computer set up and that I have clean clothes to wear. I’m glad I have a gym membership I can take advantage of. And I’m glad I have the time to do the things I want to do.

Things are going well. I’m doing well. And I guess that’s it for now.