Daily Post 063: Waking Up Awake

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Tuesday was my day of self-care. I still think of it that way even though it turned into a crap-tastic day. I broke that evening. I knew it was coming, I could feel it, I just wasn’t expecting it to be now I guess.

Tuesday I wrote. I had planned to study. I had planned things. A light to-do list, but never the less I had planned for the day to be productive and relaxing.

It started with writing, which helped. It moved from there to paying bills since I was still on the computer. I figured I wouldn’t be able to pay all of my bills this early in the month since I was missing so much of Warren’s contribution, but I figured I could pay rent and have that out of the way. The one major, main bill I have anxiety over would be taken care of.

That quickly turned into realizing that I am short $100 to make the payment. Not that I myself am short. I have my part of the payment. What I am missing is the rest of Warren’s part.

That spiraled into depression and sadness because I do have the savings to cover it, but that’s savings that I already have plans for. Like saving for myself so I have a cushion when my car suddenly breaks down or having to buy a $700 plane ticket to be with a dying family member because I’ve learned from personal experience that shit like that actually happens.

My savings, as meager as it is now, is the emergency money for the shit I can’t plan for. It was money left to me from mom that was never meant to help other people. It was meant to help me and it’s the last of it I have.

I decided, sitting there looking at my bank account and the numbers not working, that I wasn’t going to fix this problem. I wasn’t going to dip into the money I had just transferred into my “Me” fund and I wasn’t going to touch my savings. If Warren wanted rent to be paid then he needed to come up with the rest of his share, otherwise, there would be a late fee and I wouldn’t be the one paying it.

I decided then and there that I was done. I was done being the parent. The problem solver. I was done giving to make things easier for someone else.

I sent him a message saying we were short $100 for rent and then laid on the couch and let the silent tears have their way.

It was seven days until my birthday. Seven days until I’m 29.

Right Brain: Happy birthday! Your gift is not being able to pay rent.

Left Brain: You know… if you want… you can go fuck yourself right now. I’m cool with that.

Warren eventually came downstairs since he woke up. He ignored me for a little bit and I didn’t care. Before he took Bruno out he asked when rent was due. I said not until the 19th but because the amount was so large it takes a few days to transfer it. I said liked having it done as soon as possible to avoid complications.

He asked if it could wait until Friday. He would get paid Friday and he would be able to transfer me more to help out. I said yes. I said once rent was paid that I would have no money for any of the other bills like internet, power, my phone bill or car insurance. It was hard not to cry while admitting to that. That this is what my life is at the moment.

I asked him if I could ask something without it being a bitchy question. Warren said yes, so I asked what happened? What happened to all of the overtime he was supposed to have worked and the promotion with the dollar increase? How are things worse when everything should have been better?

He said that after the first week of the iPhone release his company took away the overtime because the call volume drastically dropped compared to what they were expected. The raise has only just started to kick in since he’s officially out of training. He was also denied FEMA assistance for Erma, which is pretty fucked up.

His side chick, which I realize she’s his companion and I’m being dismissive by referring to her in such a way, but right now, on my blog, in my head, I’m resentful of Warren indulging in things while I feel like I suffer, so yeah, for the time being, she’s Miss Side Chick. Anyway, she’s a Nero Scientist / Therapist / Doctor. Like, legit has a doctorate already and makes complete bank on her own.

She got FEMA assistance of $1000.

Warren on the other hand, who was without power for three days and then without internet for about another week and who could legitimately not work during that entire time, was denied any assistance. Nothing to replace the food we lost. Nothing to replace the income he missed out on because he couldn’t log into work. In fact, he told me he’s being investigated for fraud…

Yeah…

So he’s been trying to catch up from getting screwed in all of those ways.

I’m more understanding of his situation. I’m less irrationally angry and more frustrated with the situation. It sucks, but it is what it is. We’re all doing our best and trying to adult as well as we can.

Warren is assuming his mom is going to send him money for Christmas. She has for years. It hurts knowing he’ll get a Christmas gift from her; that he counts on it being there.

I’m not going to get anything. I’m not going to be in Vegas with my older brother and sister-in-law so I doubt we’ll do more than send text messages to each other. Maybe a phone call. My younger brother and I aren’t going to do much in the way of gift exchange. He mentioned he has bought something for me months ago at Salvation Army because when he saw it he knew it was meant for me, but we’re not wrapping gifts. We’re not going to have “holiday cheer”. We’re going to spend the day much like Thanksgiving; at his apartment surviving, understanding that both of us are sad and trying to hold our shit together.

I’m not going to be getting anything for my birthday either, which I don’t mean to make it sound like these days are about receiving things because they aren’t. I’ve never been big into giving or receiving gifts. I would rather spend time with the people I care about. But always, without fail, there would be a card from mom. AND a phone call. Not just text messages.

I have a meeting at work on Sunday. We’re doing a secret Santa exchange. We’re most likely going to be doing birthday wishes since a few of us have birthdays either recently passed or coming up. I don’t want to get a card from them. I don’t want it acknowledged. I don’t want to pretend like there isn’t a wound there that is having salt unintentionally ground into it. I don’t want to pretend like I’m ok with where I’m at in life when I’m not.

Tuesday I realized that I went from working out three hours five days a week to a single hour a week. Since the end of April, since getting this job, I have done nothing but give up my “Me” time. I work to the point where on my days off I don’t have it in me to do anything other than sleep. On the days I do train I also have to donate plasma now, so afterward I can’t do anything intense like sparring.

It sucks. I’m not ok with any of this.

Wednesday, yesterday, I woke up and wanted to cry at the thought of having to get out of bed and go to work for 16 hours. I hit snooze more than I should have. I was slow in the shower. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t finish my coffee. I put on my scrubs and made sure everything was packed for the day before fighting through the pain, tears running down my cheeks, as I walked to my car.

I drove to work. I tried not to break down as I put my bag down and switched into my work shoes. The day was rougher then it needed to be since I was working with Star Lord. That’s the nickname he has at the clinic. I don’t know the story behind it. He’s not a bad guy, but he’s super slow. On all of the days where I’ve had him as my RN, it’s felt like we’ve been short a person because he does so little. He takes 40 minutes to put one patient on the machine. He leaves tasks halfway finished because he hasn’t figured out how to multitask in such a fast-paced and demanding environment.

I’ll be the first to throw up my hand and admit that I was slow and disoriented in the beginning. I messed up and made things harder for my teammates for a while I’m sure. I was the weakest link and I’m sure when people saw my name on their side of the clinic there was an inward sigh of “fuck me… ”

But I’m no longer that person. I’m a strong and confident member of the team; to the point where some people prefer to work with me over others. In eight months I have gotten to the point where I am on par.

Star Lord isn’t there and I don’t think he ever will be. I don’t think he’s cut out for this type of environment. I think a lot of his slowness is from hesitation and insecurity but instead of rising to the challenge he’s shrinking away from it which is why he isn’t getting better.

It means the people he works with have to pull his weight. It means patients are an hour or more late getting on the machine. It means that trickles into all of the other shifts. It means breaks get messed up. It means it’s a rough day when it didn’t need to be one.

That’s what yesterday was. I knew when I saw his name on the schedule it would be like that. I was tapped out before the day had begun and it was going to be a hard, long day.

I think I did well most of the day. I worked as best I could and that’s all I could do. By the time we got to third shift it was the home stretch. No other patients were going to be coming in. There were six CVCs to take care of. That’s a lot, but we got everyone on the machine.

My final patient was having complications. We got the clinical coordinator over to check out her CVC and to clear her for her treatment. I completed her CVC care and got her connected to the machine and dialyzing. Everything was finally settling down. Everyone was on. I could start cleaning up the unused chairs and closing stations down. I could be done with people for a little bit.

Only I couldn’t because five minutes later that same patient wanted to be taken off the machine so she could use the restroom. And it’s not like she could walk on her own. She’s in a wheelchair and wanted me to take her to the restroom. I had to rinse her back, secure her CVC which has been hurting her because two of the stitches are bothering her, so she’s in pain as I’m trying to take care of her, then help transfer into her chair…

It felt like a lot, like too much. I just needed a break from having to do something for someone else. I wanted to go home. I wanted to cry. But I didn’t. I took her to the restroom, went back on the floor to clean until the assistance light started flashing, went back to the restroom to get my patient, got her back on the machine, then went back to cleaning.

I listened to music while making needle packs. I took my final break. I spent about 20 minutes afterward making CVC kits in the stockroom, alone, listening to more music.

We were out of terminations like I knew we would be. We’ll be out of them again by the end of today, but I don’t go back to work until Saturday so it’s someone else’s problem on Friday. According to the log I am the only person who has made CVC kits for the past 14 days of December. That’s pretty shitty and something I will bring up at the meeting on Sunday. We need a better system with the CVC kits because right now ours isn’t working.

I didn’t leave the clinic until around 9 pm last night. I didn’t get home until 9:30. It was a long day. Kyle was in the living room. I didn’t care. I ate dinner in the kitchen. I went upstairs and brushed Scarlet for a while. I took a shower. I fell asleep with my light on.

I woke up at midnight. Everyone was asleep by then. I went downstairs and ate again then fell back asleep on the couch. When I woke up it was light outside. I had a moment of freaking out thinking I had overslept and missed my training session, but it was only 7:40. I had plenty of time.

Today I woke up feeling awake.

I’m not sure how to really describe it or if anyone else has ever had that feeling. I woke up feeling clear-headed and aware. I wasn’t sad or tired. I wasn’t injured feeling. I felt like myself with my own perspectives rather than the fuzziness or fog or weight that I’ve been contending with.

I don’t know if my break down Tuesday has anything to do with this feeling, which I just realized I mentioned it but never explained what happened.

Tuesday didn’t recover from the “can’t pay rent” realization. I didn’t go out and study. I stayed on the couch and slept. For the few hours I wasn’t asleep I watched more of Fate/Stay Night. I hurt. I knew I hurt. I knew there wasn’t going to be anything to make it feel better. I knew I didn’t want to smoke. I knew I couldn’t drink because I’m trying to stay hydrated.

In the evening Kyle came downstairs and asked if he could have the TV when I was done. I was just starting another episode of Fate/Stay Night which I really didn’t want to watch. I knew it wouldn’t make me feel better I just didn’t know what else to do so I had let it start on its own.

I told him I was done. He could have it. I got up and put my dishes in the kitchen. I knew I sounded like I was on the verge of tears because I was. As I was walking by him to get to the stairs Kyle tried to poke my arm. It’s a thing we have, from the Facebook poke feature I guess. We randomly poke each other and say, “Poke”. It’s stupid and I know it is and I couldn’t handle it last night.

He reached out to poke me and I backed away.

Me: I’m sorry. I hurt right now. It’s seven days until my birthday.

It was only three sentences, but it was the first time I verbally told anyone that I hurt. It was the first time admitting my fear even though I didn’t really say it was a fear. I’m scared of my birthday. I don’t want it to come. My throat kept getting tighter as I said those words and even though they were so few by the end I thought I would choke if I had to say more.

I think Kyle tried to say something to me but I was so close to breaking down that I didn’t stay to listen. I jogged up the stairs as fast as I could and bearly closed the door before I started sobbing.

I hate how all of my writings recently seem to come back to this. Me crying. Me talking about mom. Me missing her and obsessing over the fact that she’s dead. I’m sure it’s annoying to read. At what point am I going to get on with my life and stop whining about not having her?

It’s my second birthday without her.

It sucks.

It sucks and I hate this. Even though there’s a lot of really awesome things in my life now like Big Bad and Master and jiujitsu when I’m able to actually get to the dojo and losing 20% body fat and leaving Full Sail, this one thing, this one piece of my life overshadows all of that. Or at least makes it break even to where I’m neutral.

I have all these things. I have all of this confidence in myself.

I don’t have my mom.

I won’t have a phone call from her on the 20th. I won’t have a birthday card. I won’t have an “I love you.”

I knew this time would be the hardest for me, which is why I took the coming week off from work. I only have 20 hours of PTO to cover it. That means my check is going to be short by half.

This is why I have my savings. This is why I’m not going to take care of other people anymore. Because there are still going to be times where I need to take care of myself, like know. Like on April 4th; the two-year mark.

I cried for a really long time Tuesday night and I cried hard and I didn’t care if my roommates could hear my screams through my pillows. I didn’t care if my grief made anyone else uncomfortable because in that moment I was bleeding out on my bed all of the hurt and pain that I have been trying to work with and breath around and hold on to because I have to go to work, I have to donate plasma, or grocery shop, or take care of laundry, or any of the number of life things that I “need” to take care of.

I can’t stop and deal with the pain. I can’t cope with it and slow down and let myself heal the way I need to. I have to keep up with society. I have to keep functioning because you can’t not function in the world we’ve allowed to develop.

Tuesday night I gave zero fucks and I cried all of it into my pillows.

I eventually calmed down. I looked at my phone and had a message from Kyle saying he was sorry. He hasn’t meant to push me.

I said there was nothing to be sorry for. That he had done nothing wrong and that I would get better eventually even though I didn’t have a specific time for when that would happen.

He offered for me to come downstairs and watch the rest of The Incredible Hulk with him since we had watched part of it Sunday night before I had to call it quits to get to sleep on time.

I said I might cry if I came downstairs to which he replied that was ok.

I got up. I showered. I changed into comfy pjs. I took my contacts out and put my glasses on. I dragged my fuzzy blanket with me. It’s not as awesome as Big Bad’s fuzzy blanket, but it’s a decent substitute. I curled up in “my” corner of the couch and we finished watching the movie together.

I wasn’t ready to go to work on Wednesday, not after Tuesday night, but I did it. I survived it and I only have one more day of work to get through before my week off.

And so now I’m at today.

I woke up feeling “with it”. I don’t know how else to explain it.

I trained really well. I know my arms will be sore tomorrow and I’m looking forward to it.

I only have one more training session left with L before I have to buy more. I don’t think I’m going to, though. Right now I can’t justify that much money. But I think that’s ok. On Tuesdays and Thursdays there a 6:30 am jiujitsu class at the dojo. I can go there in the morning before school. I can potentially do boxing/kickboxing during the afternoons. I can definitely get to Title Club on Fridays, which I’ll start having off in January. That also leaves me Sundays which I’ll be able to start working out on again since I won’t be working two 16 hour shifts in a row anymore.

I do have three hours worth of personal training I bought from Title Club during October while they were doing a super awesome deal. I haven’t cashed that in yet because I haven’t had time to, but my instructor knows about my situation and agreed that the new year would work best for him as well. That’s where I’m going to start focusing on footwork and how to move in the ring with an opponent.

So maybe for this first semester of school, it would be good to back off of the personal training with L and to focus on finding a rhythm with the dojo again. It would also be a break financially which could help things righten themselves.

Kyle hasn’t mentioned anything about his old job but I’m pretty sure he should get the background check cleared by the end of this week.

I gave my FA the form he needed to fill out for my certification yesterday. He was supposed to get it back to me but didn’t, so I’m going to text him and see if he could email it to me. That’s another part of what my savings are going to go towards. My company will reimburse me for the certification fee, but I still have to cover it on my own up front. That’s close to $300.

Hooray…. said no one ever.

I do plan to study today after donating, which I’m about to go do after I shower once more.

I feel stronger today then I have in a while. I know I’m going to have dark days ahead of me, some of them in the very near future, so for right now I’m going to enjoy the warmth and clarity that I feel within myself and get as much done as I can. The more I do know the less rough the hard days will be even if I lose sight of that while I’m in them.

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Daily Post 060: I’m Proud That I’m Actually Writing A Daily Post

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So I’m going to try to write this… while drinking a drink that I for serious accidentally made too strong. I’m most likely not going to finish it, which is ok because it will still be good tomorrow evening.

Anyway, I have the living room for roughly 30 minutes to myself. 30 minutes of silence and what I’m going to start referring to as pseudo-solitude, since I’m “alone”, but my roommates are still home so I’m really not. Or at last one of them is still home. The other is most likely out banging his chick even though he was short on rent. Not that I have resentment over the fact that he won’t leave the house to do something useful like donate plasma so he can finally get his finances straight, or, I don’t know, take hit contracts on the black market.

This writing may be a bit blunter than normal… damn you alcohol for making me not care about causing offense. Damn you.

So Warren isn’t here, but Kyle is, and I actually just kicked him out of the living room. And by kick out I mean I had anxiety for about 30 minutes since I walked through the door and saw he was in the middle of some B rated demonic movie thing. I dropped my lunch box off on the kitchen counter then went upstairs to shower. Once I had washed the day away, all while trying to figure out how to ask for the living room without sounding like a dick, I came downstairs and put the day’s dishes into the dishwasher, set it to run, then finished washing the crock pot by hand.

I putts around a bit more, heating up my dinner, making my drink, then I finally had nothing else to do to procrastinate further.

I walked into the living room, set my stuff down at my computer and asked Kyle if I could have the living room for 30 minutes before I went to sleep.

He didn’t say anything but turned the TV and Playstation off then went upstairs.

You know what? I really don’t care if he’s upset. I worked a 16 hour day. I agreed to work the first three hours of co-workers shift tomorrow so she could actually get sleep tonight. She’s closing the clinic right now. She might not even be out of work yet and it’s 10 pm. She has an hour drive home, and yet the schedule has her working at 5 am tomorrow morning.

I told her that I could cover some of her hours for her. She said she could be there at 8 am. No later than 8:45 which leaves me with enough time to get to my training session with L. I told her that worked for me. I would rather her be able to make it through her day. I can always take a nap or go to sleep early before my shift on Friday.

This means I should have a few hours of overtime, which will be nice paycheck wise, but also hour wise. It means I’ll more than likely be able to cover most if not all of my week off without having to suffer financially. In theory, I’ll have the PTO to cover it.

So yeah. I have an early wake-up call. I want some time to myself, for myself, before I have to wake up and give the little I’ll have in my reserves to other people. The cool thing is I’ll be out of the clinic before change over happens. So I’ll I really need to do is put the first shift of patients on and do some of the morning chores.

I’m pretty sure I’ll be alright.

Today wasn’t a bad day. Though it started off kind of rough.

There’s one patient who got mad at me last Friday. She wanted to be off the machine at a specific time since her transportation has been leaving without her. I told her we, as in, the whole team, would make sure she got off on time. Normally this isn’t an issue. That morning ended up getting crazy, though, and even though we took this particular patient off the machine early, she still ended up being left by her transportation.

Since I was the tech who took her out into the lobby she blamed me for the transportation leaving her essentially stranded at the clinic. She said we didn’t care about her and that she wanted to talk to the FA.

It hurt. I was almost in tears as I went back to the clinic floor and continued with my day. That was the second time I’ve had a patient be mad at me. I eventually got over it, but I was glad I didn’t have to work Monday so I didn’t have to see her, and I was hoping to be on B side of the clinic today so even though she would be there, I wouldn’t have to interact with her.

As luck would have it, I was on A side, which meant she was one of the patients I had to care for. I helped transfer her into her chair, but another team member did her treatment initiation, which I was grateful for. About 50 minutes into the treatment the charge nurse called EMS for her because of complications. We think she has an infection since she has bedsores which aren’t being cared for.

But yeah, I feel sort of bad for not feeling worse about her going to the hospital. I’ve seen her treat other teammates unkindly. It’s not that I wish ill on her. But I don’t feel bad either. I think I’m closer to feeling nothing which might be worse.

I hope she gets the care she needs and I hope if / when she comes back she isn’t a jerk to me or the people I care about.

That was the main ad hoc event of the day, but since it happened fairly early in the first shift it didn’t domino into second shift.

The day went smoothly after that. I got to watch a teammate mix acid in the water room so I can start helping with that in the future. It seems easy enough. I told my teammate that I would want to see it done one more time, then most likely have someone watch me do it once or twice, but overall I think it’s pretty simple.

I got out of the clinic at 8:30. I’ve started assuming I won’t leave until 9 pm. I find it’s better to overestimate than under. I still budget for 36 hours, but as far as my calendar goes, I would rather assume I have fewer hours to work with rather than more when planning the events in my life. That way I can be pleasantly surprised when I get free time rather than seething with blind fury over having to cancel plans.

So that’s pretty much been my day.

All of the cooking is done, so all I really need to do tomorrow, other than cover the first three hours of first shift, is train, donate plasma, and maybe laundry.

I’m ahead on studying, but it would be good to continue tackling that. I guess it depends on how tired I feel after donating.

Even though there are four chapters left in my book there’s really only two more chapters that pertain directly to me. One of the chapters is about reusing dialyzers, which my clinic doesn’t do. The other chapter is about becoming a preceptor, or trainer, which has nothing to do with the actual dialysis process. I’m still going to read them, though.

Once I finish the book I plan to take the practice test offered by my company. I also want to look online to see if there are flashcards or anything already made. I want to see if my flashcards line up with what other people study for the certification. I usually end up studying more because I make flashcards for random facts that I think are interesting, but not nessiccarily required to know.

Anyway… Yeah. I’m almost done with the book. It would be nice to get through it in the next two-ish weeks. Definitely before the end of the month. That’s completely do-able if I keep up with the chapter a week pace that I’ve been going. That means I’m on course to taking the test early January. Since school starts the 9th, it would be cool to get the certification during the first week of the new year that way it’s done and I won’t have to figure out when to take it between work and my class.

I got my “Me” savings account created yesterday. It was actually super, insanely painless. I walked into my bank and told the greeter that I wanted to see about opening a second savings account. They entered me into the queue, which had no one in it, and asked that I wait in the lobby for one of the representatives to speak with me. I waited all of two minutes. I let them know what I wanted. They created a new savings account for me, and that was that.

Poof.

Done.

Like magic.

I’ve transferred $300 to it already. That’s still $78 short of the 27-week mark, but I think I’ll be able to transfer that through the month. And really, since that’s where I want to be in the first week of January, I have five weeks to come up with it.

I think I’m also going to give myself $500 to spend on myself between my birthday and Christmas. This is money that will go to things like getting my hair bleached since the roots have grown out. Most likely getting it trimmed too, along with my brows waxed because what the hell, it’s my birthday.

Maybe I’ll get a new keyboard finally. And a new headset. I’ll most likely take into account my World of Warcraft renewal, and subtract that from the $500.

I need to sit and budget out what I want to see how far I can make $500 stretch. I’m pretty sure I can do a lot with it, though, and I don’t think I want all that much.

That’s for another day. Right now I’ve finished my “too strong” drink along with my dinner. I’ve also had the living room for close to an hour rather than 30 minutes so I should go. I’ll also only be getting about 4 hours of sleep, which I can work with. It would be better to get only 3, that way I’m not in the middle of a REM cycle when my alarm goes off. God, that’s the worst.

Anyway. Yeah. Good night. Thanks for letting me ramble.

 

Daily Post 056: Meditation Needed

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Things have been ok. More ok than not.

My brother might be seeking therapy. He’s having a hard time and I can only do so much. I think it would be good for him to see a professional. Since he doesn’t have health insurance he’s having a hard time finding someone who doesn’t charge $120 an hour. Seriously… My brain can’t even…

I asked my therapist if she had any resources for the Daytona area. She mentioned a few and also offered to work with my brother if I was ok with it.

I am. I think she may be able to help Jon work through his self-worth issues and the feelings of abandonment and rejection he’s struggling with. I think there’s a lot of stuff still buried from mom’s death and his time in the Army. Maybe even from his divorce.

I need to send him my therapist’s contact information, but we’ve already talked on the phone and he knows that he has options now. I think that along helps him feel less lost.

Big Bad and I didn’t end up seeing each other. That sucked and is part of why I’m mostly flatlined today.

We were supposed to see each other Wednesday evening. He was feeling under the weather and I was exhausted from work. We decided to rain check the evening for Thursday instead.

I went to training Thursday. I stopped by the Salvation Army before going home to donate some odds and ends. I also found a swimsuit I liked so I can make use of the jacuzzi at the gym. I donated plasma later in the afternoon. I went to my sports bar afterward to eat and study for my certification. I went to the dojo that evening.

I didn’t do very well. And I guess I need to rephrase that. I did fantastic for already having trained once that day and donating plasma on top of all the other things I got done. I was fatigued before I even stepped on the mat.

We did a lot of cardio for the warm-up with rolls and cartwheels. I was paired with a newer guy I’ve never met who was also about half my size. It made performing the techniques hard. I didn’t want to be paired with someone I didn’t know. I really didn’t want to be learning a new technique. I would have preferred focusing on something I was already comfortable with.

Towards the end, I was paired with a purple belt. I explained why I was so tired. He said that was fine. We could spar for as long as I felt ok, but as soon I started feeling bad to let him know.

We did a few sort rounds alternating from starting in back mount. He was complimentary when I wormed my way out of his holds and answered my questions when I wasn’t sure about something.

I left before the class was over. I didn’t care if it looked bad to others. I haven’t been there much. I didn’t do much during the class. I didn’t stay for all of the sparring rounds.

Irrational Right Brain: Fuck you, Imaginary Judgemental Person. You have no idea what I have or have not done. You have no idea what my days are like or what I’m going through.

I messaged Big Bad once I was in my car. We had joked around earlier in the evening about playing video games but nothing had been definitively said about me coming over.

When I asked if he wanted company he said he was going to sleep soon and that maybe it would be better to hold off until Monday to see each other.

I’m proud that it didn’t feel like rejection or abandonment on my end. I do think that shows personal growth. My past hurts and insecurities have less sway and influence over my present emotions.

It still wasn’t a good feeling. I had been looking forward to seeing my companion more than once in a seven day period. I was looking forward to being cuddled with him and breathing in his scent. I was looking forward to not being alone.

It didn’t work out that way, though.

He sent a text message saying he missed me. I texted back saying I missed him, too.

Since I ended up with time to myself I went to the gym, put on my new swimsuit and alternated between the pool and jacuzzi. Cold helps with inflammation while heat helps promote blood flow and healing. I went back and forth a few times until I was ready to go home. My body felt better. I know I’ve been pushing it hard this week, especially since I did basically nothing last week. Compared to how I trained before I got this job I feel like I’ve been pretty inconsistent.

It’s weird. I know I’m at a higher level than what I was, but I also know I’m not where I want to be. I guess it’s like how I feel about my writing right now. I’m inconsistent. I let things get in the way. I’m tired of that.

I’ve been sort of sad since last night. Since not being able to fall asleep in Big Bad’s arms. It’s not the same type of sadness as when I hurt over mom. I haven’t thought too much about these feelings to understand them fully. I know what I feel is not rejection or abandonment, which is good. But there is something there that I need to figure out.

I had thought about not doing anything today. I thought about letting that sadness fuel a rest day. Stay home. Chillax. Be anti-social.

Irrational Right Brain: You’re not wallowing. You’re just indulging in not doing anything… Shhh… It’s ok…. Come to the dark side… we have cookies…

Instead, I ended up going to the gym for a HIIT class my trainer was running. Yes, my body was still sore. Fuck it. At least I could spend the rest of the day knowing I didn’t let sadness win.

Only one other person showed up to the class. It was nice to not have to deal with eight or more other people. It was just one other new person and she was pretty cool.

She said she had seen me on Tuesday doing my box jumps and that she was super impressed. I got to talk about how I’m training to be a fighter.

The class itself was pretty intense and I’m glad I went. Afterward, I came home and curled up on the couch for a while. Eventually, I was recovered enough to go upstairs and shower. I put away the clean clothes that were still in my laundry basket before filling it with all my dirty stuff and taking it downstairs.

I started a load of laundry and ran the dishwasher before heading out to my sports bar again. I’ve made it through another chapter in my certification book. I’m trying to make that a requirement on my “off” days. I need to get this certification out of the way, preferably before January so I can focus on school.

I paid rent. I had enough to cover all of it, but that only leaves me with $150 to my name with an electric bill, internect bill, car insurance payment, and phone bill to pay. I messaged Warren asking for his payment so I could pay all of my obligations. I haven’t gotten a reply from him yet. We actually haven’t spoken to each other since Kyle moved in. As long as he pays what he owes I don’t care. My opinion is still that he’s a man child and that our friendship will never be able to recover to what it once was.

My reward for studying and paying as many of the bills as I could was going through my email and catching up on the blogs I’m behind on. I’m also allowing myself the time to write.

There’s a randori session later today at the dojo. I know Jim will be there since he’s running it. I don’t know if I should go or not. I don’t feel like pushing myself. I think Jim would train with me if I asked him to. I haven’t made up my mind. If I don’t go I feel like it would be because I’m sad from not seeing Big Bad.

This is one of the few times I can make it to the dojo and yet I’m not going?

Maybe I do need to sit and meditate on a few things instead. Maybe doing a bit of emotional work would be better in the long run. My shoulder was giving me issues this morning, too. It was more of a sharp pain rather than a muscle pain. I had to modify a lot of the push-up work because it hurt to put weight on my left shoulder.

Blarg. I’ll figure it out.

For right now I’m going to go. I need to run to the store for laundry detergent, also a bottle of Fireball. At the moment drinking a little at the end of my nights is how I’m staying away from cigarettes.

I work tomorrow. Here’s hoping it goes smoothly.

Daily Post 118: Finding Myself

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I’m at work early because I’m supposed to do grading but I have the urge to write so I’m going to do that first.

 

It’s nice to feel like this. To have the urge to actually type things out and to process through things. It’s nice to not feel a pain inside my chest at the thought of figuring things out. I think a lot of that has to do with my therapy session yesterday. I think a lot of it has to do with recent events and how I’m starting to find things to look forward to. It’s not just a day to day existence anymore.

 

I may not have life goals yet. I haven’t gotten that far in my recovery, but I find myself genuinely smiling at the thought of the future. Things seem to be going well, and even though mom isn’t here to enjoy the forward progress with me, I know that she would be happy for me. She would smile with me and be glad.

 

Tomorrow I’m supposed to be signed off the lease for the apartment. That will be the last massive, ginormous step I have to take as far as the personal side of my life goes. It’s the last step that really requires other people. Past that it will be making sure Zane’s cool with me switching the phone plan over into his name so I can ditch Verizon for MetroPCS again.

 

I’m nervous about it. I don’t think he’s going to be a jerk tomorrow. I think he’s going to be overly sweet and try to get me to hang out. He’s going to try for the “friends” thing, and while I normally do try to maintain a friendship with my exs, this is one instance where I would rather move on. I’m not going to want to hang out. I’m not going to want to chitchat and let him know what’s been going on in my life. I didn’t invite him to my super awesome laser tag going away party for a reason. I want to finalize what I need to and be done with it.

 

I booked a room at an extended stay for the next 28 days. I check in at 3pm today. There’s a mini kitchen and a full sized fridge. I haven’t been there but the pictures look nice. There’s a bed. I seriously cannot put into words how much I am looking forward to having a bed to sleep on. I’m hoping the window lets in a nice amount of light. I’m thinking about taking my computer out of storage and setting it up in the room, space permitting. I’ve already chatted with a few friends. They’re going to let me borrow some of their extra kitchen stuff so I don’t have to go out and buy much of anything. That will be nice. I plan to return it before I leave for Vegas.

 

I want to make stuffed tomatoes for dinner tomorrow. With everything going on today I doubt I’ll be up for cooking or doing much by the time I’m actually able to spend any amount of time at the room.

 

I want to go to the gym after checking in. I need to run by Best Buy first though. The other day I bought a pair of Bluetooth headphones. With all of the kickboxing things I’ve been doing, having wired headphones gets annoying. The wire gets flung into my face or fucks with the motion of my punches. It’s distracting and throws off my groove. So I thought I would give Bluetooth a try.

 

The ones I have are alright… They stay on fine… But they feel sort of weird, and they’re not noise canceling so the sound is different. More airy. And that in itself is distracting. My brain keeps focusing on how it “doesn’t sound right,” even though it’s fine.

 

$100 is a lot to spend to only be “aright” with something. I want to see if any of the other styles / brands work better for me. So yeah, if I get to the gym today Best Buy will most likely happen first.

 

I need to go grocery shopping since I don’t have any coffee creamer. I used the last of it this morning. I’m looking forward to having my morning routine back. Cooking eggs and sitting with my coffee at the table pondering over my day and how to map things out so I’m most efficient. It’s going to be the weekend, so I’m thinking I’ll go to the storage unit and pull out things like my water filter, the computer, maybe go through my clothes again and pull out a few of my nicer tops since V and I want to meet again.

 

I think my date, because that’s what I’m going to call it, went really well the other night. I enjoyed myself. I laughed. I cried. I felt nervous. I felt acceptance. I was asked about the last time I had sex and was able to tell someone that story and begin letting go of those emotions.

 

I explained how I had felt really alone one of the mornings I had to take Zane to work. How we had cuddled in bed for a little bit. Things turned sexual and it was fine until the end.

 

I don’t know what it’s like for other people, but sometimes, when it’s over, I feel empty. Like… my partner has taken something from me, some energy, but hasn’t replaced it with anything else. Nothing has been given back. There wasn’t an exchange or a connection. It leaves me feeling cold, and… well… empty. Something is missing. I don’t feel connected and blissful, and warm, even if I am able to orgasm. There’s something about the interaction that is unfulfilling on an extremely deep and emotional level and it usually leaves me feeling alienated and alone.

 

That’s what it was like after Zane and I had sex the last time. The loneliness I had already been feeling intensified and it took a lot to hold it together. He knew that I wasn’t ok and asked what was wrong. I answered saying that it had felt good, but that I didn’t feel connected to him, I felt used, and I didn’t understand why and that I was sorry for feeling the way I did. Maybe it was just my grief messing up the experiences.

 

His reply was that he had been horny and “basically just needed a cumrag.” He said he knew I had wanted attention and that he took advantage of that.

 

I had been willing to try for friendship even with all of the shit that went down while mom was in the hospital and after her death. I was willing to let go of the betrayal of having another girl in what was supposed to be “our” bed, and accepting the fact that the sheets most likely weren’t washed when we tried cuddling the Saturday night that I got back to Orlando.

 

I was willing to let go of a lot of things because he “wanted to be friends”.

 

My friends don’t treat me like that. That wasn’t friendship. Taking advantage of my need for human interaction and closeness isn’t loving or caring. It’s manipulative. It’s fucked up, and I’m done with it. Point blank, end of story, I’m done.

 

I got to tell V about that experience and how it had made me feel. He didn’t say much about it. He let me cry. He hugged me while I did. He didn’t try to make it better because it’s not like anyone can go back and undo the past.

 

I’m still moving to Vegas. I’m still going to focus on myself. None of my plans have changed, but I’m grateful to V for making me feel like a human. For making me feel like I’m worth respect.

 

So there’s that. It was good to work through those emotions. It makes me feel like Zane doesn’t have power over me. The only way he can make me feel bad is if I let him. He isn’t going to change and I’m tired of being hurt. So it’s done. And as soon as the lease is taken care of I know I’ll feel that much freer from him, with the final cut being the phone plan.

 

Therapy was a lot of about my younger brother. He’s trying to come to Full Sail. Since I’m an alumnus and a staff member (for the moment at least) I can nominate him for a scholarship worth up to $40k. I’m looking into that. Currently waiting on an email from his admissions representative so we can see what needs to happen since Jon is currently over in Germany.

 

I feel stronger today than I have in a while. Still sort of tired and low energy. But strong. Stable. Solid.

 

In therapy the conversation turned to how I am doing so much better than when I first started my sessions. I said that it feels like I’m finding myself again, and for some reason that statement hurt and I started crying. Not sobbing or anything, but there were tears running down my face and I didn’t know why. The statement hurt, but finding myself should be a good thing, right? So why was I crying?

 

I said that moving forward moves me further away from mom’s physical form. To me, the more “ok” I am, the further away from the moment of her death I become. The knee-jerk jump in my thoughts is, the further away I am from that moment, the further away I am from her.

 

I know that’s not true. The further away from that moment I become, the closer to her spiritual presence I become. Our relationship isn’t over, it’s just different. But there is some part of me, some section of my brain that cries out in anguish whenever I think about moving forward. I think about every new accomplishment I want to achieve. Belt testing for taekwondo. Becoming a CNA. Running another Warrior Dash.

 

I think of all of these things and what it would be like to accomplish them and part of me screams in pain because those thoughts are almost instantly followed with the thought of “Mom won’t be there.”

 

That thought feels like having something punched through my chest. It’s not a cut. It’s not a sharp pain. It’s a gaping hole of agony and normally the only thing I can do is vocalize that pain. I scream as loud as I can in my car. I cry. I grip the steering wheel so hard my hands hurt because there’s nothing for me to tear apart or punch or thrash. I scream over and over and over until the pain is finally bearable and my voice is so raw I can’t talk. I scream until it’s finally something I can simply cry over, and then I cry and whimper and sound like a beaten animal because that’s what I feel like. And then… eventually… I’m quiet and exhausted and spent and there’s a stillness inside me. A peace. An acceptance. And normally I go home and sleep. I have nothing left in me to give to anything else after those moments.

 

My mom won’t be there, physically, for any of the achievements in my life. She won’t be there to wrap her arms around me. She won’t be there to do the “I told you so” dance when I do fantastic. She won’t be there to wink at me, or smile, or for her eyes to dance and glitter with happiness for me.

 

Mom will never physically be here ever again.

 

But she’s not gone and I have so many instances to prove that. The one that comes to mind the strongest is the night I slept curled around her urn. I know she was there. I know she was holding me, and even now I can feel her presence behind me like a slight weight on my shoulders.

 

I know that my knee jerk thought of “Mom isn’t here,” isn’t the thought I truly believe. It’s a reactive thought. And for me, it’s an unhealthy thought.

 

So yeah… that’s where I’m at today. I’m finding myself again. In the landscape of my mind I’ve started for find pieces of myself and I’ve started to put them back where they belong. I’m looking at things and questioning if I want to keep them or not. Change them, maybe?

 

What do I want?

 

I still don’t know, but I’m figuring it out and that gives me some sort of resolve I guess. I’ve started doing it, so I know it can be done. It makes me feel like it’s just a matter of time before I’m on my feet again, and knowing that I’m making progress, that my journey isn’t over, makes me feel secure in myself.

 

I’ll make it through this and I’m finally starting to believe those words.

Daily Post 117: Rough Day

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This is going to be a whiny post.
You have been warned.


 

I don’t want to be here. And by here I mean at work. I have grading I need to do. I don’t want to do it. I have water I should be drinking, so it’s sitting next to me feeling neglected.

 

I had the thought on the way to work that when I get back to Vegas I’ll be able to level through my taekwondo belt tests fairly quickly because I’ve been practicing on my own. And that was quickly followed by the thought that mom would be proud of me for being passionate about something. Which in turn was quickly followed by the thought that mom won’t be here to see me pass my tests, or to tell me that I had nothing to worry about when I have my freak out before the tests.

 

Last night was rough. Yesterday was rough.

 

By all accounts yesterday should have been an awesome day.

 

I woke up. I went to the bank and got things situated so I could pay off my credit card completely. I got a check to pay Clavan back. I went to work. I went to the gym where I had a pretty awesome workout. I went grocery shopping when I got home and even went out and picked up Chinese food before going back home to watch more Sword Art Online.

 

But yesterday felt hollow. All of those awesome things I did were just things. And even though I smiled and had happy moments there was this sadness blanketing everything. Damping everything. And as the night wore on it got worse.

 

It’s still here today. This sadness.

 

I played Witcher III for a bit, and that helped, but the reprieve didn’t last long. Trying to go back to sleep didn’t help.

 

The comment of, “It will be better when you wake up,” was an unintended knife in my chest because my thought, the response I bit back because it was unfair, was that it wouldn’t be ok. Mom will still be dead when I wake up.

 

And she was. She wasn’t magically back, and things are still hollow feeling and I’m still sad and alone, and I wish I knew why some days were like this. I wish there was some trigger that I knew about so I could avoid it.

 

But there isn’t.

 

It’s just another day.

 

It’s another day where I have obligations. I have to go to work. I have to eat. I have to take care of myself and shower and interact with people and every interaction depletes an energy bar that can only be felt. I can feel it draining, draining, draining until it takes all of my effort to simply remain silent. This hurt and anger and pain isn’t anyone’s fault, but that doesn’t make it less real, and it doesn’t take away the need to unleash it somehow. And the lower my tolerance gets the more it takes to not unleash it on those around me.

 

Today was another scream day. It helped a little. Maybe more than I think since I’m able to sit here and type this without crying. It’s the first time in a while that I’ve been able to write without doing that. Maybe part of that has to do with how I feel detached from my emotions right now and how I’m not writing to mom. I’m just writing because writing keeps me busy. Too bad I have another 3 and a half hours to consume with pointless, trivial nonsense before I’m left figuring out what to do with the rest of my day.

 

I want silence. Emptiness. Peace. I want to cry and scream until I’m exhausted and to fall asleep without having to take Nyquil to do it.

 

I’ve been pushing too hard at the gym and I know it. My body reminds me everytime I try to do something.

 

Body: Hey, you used those muscles. A lot. And I’m angry at you for that.

 

Thanks, Body. But I don’t know what else to do. I stopped smoking, which is good. I didn’t like doing it. So now I workout instead for the endorphins.

 

Emotional Brain: Feeling bad? Do an awesome workout. See? You feel better. *a few hours later…* Starting for feel bad again? Go for a mile run. You still have enough in you to do that.

 

But that rush, those endorphines… they never last. I start to feel bad again. It might be hours later. It might not be until the next day… but those feelings always come back. There’s no way to escape them. I can only push them back for so long before they overwhelm me, like today on the way to work. How the sadness refused to be pushed aside anymore. How I screamed over and over again as I cried because there was nothing else I could do. There was no way else to let it out.

 

And so now I’m tired, and I wish I could say I’m empty, but I’m not. I know there’s more there. It’s just not the overflow that it was. I feel like I’m limping along today.

 

I don’t want to be here, but I am. I don’t want to feel anything, but I am.

 

I wish I knew what to do other than survive. I wish surviving felt like it was enough, or that it meant something, but right now, today, in this hour, it doesn’t. It feels pointless and in my apathy I’m not sorry for feeling that way. In my virtual page where I’m allowed to spill everything out so I can try to make sense of it all, I’m not sorry for writing that sometimes it feels pointless, because in the wake of mom’s death a lot of things are pointless.

 

The only thing that I want is to hear my mom’s voice again, and I can’t have that. So the only thing I can do is keep breathing through today, through the pain.

 

I wish it didn’t feel like an impossible never end task.

 

I’m sorry today is hard, mom. I’m sorry yesterday was hard, too. I love you. I miss you. I promise I’ll still test for taekwondo even though you won’t physically be there. I promise I’ll wake up tomorrow. I promise to get the grading done today, and I promise that I’ll eat dinner at some point.

 

I know it’s just another day, and I’m sorry I’m having such a hard time with it. Please help me get through it.

Daily Post 114: The Daily Post Which Became A Musing Moment

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I’ve been sitting at my computer for a while now. I was finishing an online puzzle that I started during lab today. Lab went alright. It was the first lab of the new term so nothing fancy happened. Not a lot of questions.

 

I told myself that I was only going to organize a few of the puzzle pieces when I sat down to write my blog, so of course thirty minutes later the puzzle is done. It wasn’t very hard. Only a 300 piece one since that’s the biggest size the site I frequent can create.

 

Today has been hard. I got a lot done. I went to school and printed stuff out and researched a few things before going to lab. After lab I went to the storage unit to get an envelope and stamps. I went to the post office to mail something to Jason and to get change of address forms for Sir, Em, and myself. I went to Jo Ann Fabrics to get a custom frame and matt for a project I completed for Clavan forever ago. I filed my taxes and bought cat food since those places were in the same plaza.

 

$160 to be told I owe $38. I almost wish I hadn’t filed. Oh well.

 

I got a summer roll tray from Publix with a sweet tea so I could eat before going to the gym. I got my brows waxed because I’ve been wanting to do something for myself. Something totally unneeded and sort of splurgey. Girly indulging.

 

I went to the gym where I ran and lifted weights. Surprisingly I was able to up the weight I’m lifting on some of the machines. I would have thought it would have been a harder workout, but it was pretty alright. I’m especially happy with my running.

 

I went back home where I was locked out of the apartment in the rain for about 30 minutes. That sort of sucked, but it was my own fault. I didn’t realize I was supposed to take a key with me when I left for work.

 

I had a brief text message conversation with my dad earlier in the day. I wrote a pretty long email to Chrys updating her on life since it’s been a while since I’ve talked to her. Zane messaged me a little as well. He ended up telling me that I need to learn to relax, which isn’t the best thing to say when I’m frustrated. I stopped replying. Maybe that’s childish, but I couldn’t think of anything nice to say so I said nothing.

 

I keep thinking about him. About him and Sara. About how they had unprotected sex and how he didn’t tell me. I keep wondering why I didn’t deserve to be told. I keep wondering what I did that was so wrong, so horrible, that I stopped deserving respect.

 

I feel betrayed. I feel lied to. I feel unworthy. I feel like the people who keep hurting me in my life are my significant others.

 

I hurt today, in general, and maybe that’s why it’s easy to get sucked into these thoughts.

 

I talked to mom tonight. While Sir was on break he replied to my messages about being stuck outside. He told me to come get his key, so I did. It was raining and dark and I was cold and sad feeling already, but I drove to him. He gave me a quick hug before leaving since his break was almost over by the time I got there.

 

I didn’t make it very far, only to the entrance of his work’s parking lot, before I had to put the car in park and cry. Not the quiet crying either. Full on sobbing because I hurt so bad.

 

I told mom how I was sorry that I keep wanting to call her. How I know I can’t, but I find myself with little random pockets of time where I would normally chat with her, keeping her updated on my life. And I can’t anymore. It’s like I don’t have a reason to have a phone any longer. I can’t talk to her so what’s the point.

 

And I know that’s stupid because I had just gotten done using my phone’s GPS to find Sir’s work, but it feels pointless.

 

I told her how much I miss her and that I know she doesn’t want me to be sad. I told her about my day and how I knew she would be happy that I was getting away from Zane since he’s not being a nice person.

 

I talked and cried and I feel silly for crying again as I type this. Today wasn’t bad. It was a little stressful what with going back to work, but it wasn’t bad so I don’t know why I feel like this. I don’t know why I feel alone, but I do, and it sucks, and the situation with Zane doesn’t help with the lonely feeling.

 

He wants to be friends and every time I think about that I think about the whole Sara situation. I think about how last Saturday night he said the apartment was my home and how I would always have a place there. I think about how one of the first things I said when I was in the room, while he was hugging me, was how the room didn’t feel like me any more. It felt different and like I didn’t belong.

 

He had already slept with her. I had already been lied to. I guess I just didn’t realize to what extent.

 

He says that he wasn’t replacing me, but it’s hard to feel that way. He started seeing her immediately after I got to Vegas. Maybe that was bad timing. Maybe it is me being sensitive to things, but when you call and say that you feel abandoned and then talk about how you have a movie date with someone new it’s hard to feel valued or that I did anything more than fill a void. I’m no longer there so someone new must be found.

 

It makes me feel cheap. Used.

 

And then to say that I think you are getting more sex than you actually are… That you’ve only had sex three times. That’s three times in three weeks. That’s more than we were having. I feel I have a right to be hurt by that when our main issue was the fact that we couldn’t cuddle much less have sex.

 

We broke up because you said I had made it obvious that I couldn’t have a relationship without sex, and how having sex would be hard to do while I was in Vegas taking care of my mom.

 

I feel like I did prove I could have a relationship without sex, because that’s the relationship we’ve had for almost six months.

 

I don’t understand what I did wrong. You said I didn’t discuss moving to Vegas with you. But you never let me. When I called to talk to you about it the first words out of your mouth weren’t, “Hi,” or “How are you?” or “How is your mom?”

 

Your first words were, “You’re breaking up with me.”

 

I felt defeated before I had even said a word. It made me feel like things were hopeless. And I guess they were. You said you didn’t want to fight to be with me any more.

 

I guess this is me processing through our relationship. I guess now that my survival needs for shelter and food have been secured I can begin moving on to emotional and psychological needs.

 

I want to understand why. I want to understand what I did wrong. And I want better answers than, “because you’re a jerk,” and, “nothing.” I want logic and reasoning and something that I can wrap my brain around and I’m not going to get that tonight.

 

Today wasn’t a bad day. I refuse to use that word. I refuse to allow my brain to think of any day where I get so much accomplished and conquer so many mental obstacles as a bad day.

 

But right now I won’t back down on the fact that it was hard, that it’s still hard. I’m still sad and lonely and all of those other not fun, hurt feelings, and a lot of it has to do with you, which sucks because you don’t deserve the right to make me feel that way.

 

If you can’t take away my sadness, I shouldn’t let you take away my happiness, but does it really count when I wasn’t happy to begin with? Before I started thinking of you and what I could have done differently?

 

And even as I type that I know there was nothing I could have done differently. Mom asked me to be there. The only answer I could have given was yes. This could play out a million times, over and over again, and each time I would unquestionably, unwaveringly say yes. Without a second thought. Without remorse. Without hesitation.

 

My mom needed me, wanted me. There was nothing to discuss. There was only figuring out how to make us continue to work through these changes in my life.

 

I guess we weren’t worth that though. I wasn’t worth that. And the small, injured girl inside of myself who listened to daddy say that he was leaving because he didn’t love mom anymore is still inside of my chest and I don’t know how to make her understand that none of this is her fault. I don’t know how to make her understand that she is worth it. She’s worth respect and love and unconditional acceptance where she isn’t thought of as gross for biking to work and being sweaty from the effort.

 

I don’t know how to make her feel loved right now in the wake of what feels like betrayal.

 

I’m sorry Self. You are so much more amazing than you know. You are worthy of everything you want. You’re worthy of honesty and trust and love and acceptance. You’re worthy of respect.

 

Don’t forget that. You ARE worthy.

 

You’re strong. You’ll make it through this. All of this. All of these obstacles and hardships. Today was a hard day, but you survived. And even if tomorrow is a hard morning, and hard day, and hard night, you’ll keep surviving and one day, not very far away, you’ll wake up and it won’t hurt as much. It might just be a little bit better, but it will be an improvement, and you’ll keep improving, and slowly you’ll learn how to be you through all of these changes. Maybe sometimes you’ll cry, or be angry, or feel hurt again, but each time you do it will be a step in the healing process.

 

I love you little earth dragon, all of you, and things will be ok because I’m not going to stop loving you.

Daily Post 112: All of The Things

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This is an email I wrote about an hour ago to my older brother to keep him posted on my life so far since I’ve been back in Orlando. There’s a crapton that’s happened between the last time I wrote and now. I don’t feel bad about not writing. I’ve thought about it off and on but haven’t had it in me to actually do it.

 

Life doesn’t suck, but it’s really hard right now, and the biggest factor into it being hard isn’t the fact that mom died. It’s the fact that Zane and I can’t seem to have a conversation without it devolving until either a pissing contest or emo hurt feelings.

 

Fucking relationships and breakups…

 

Anyway, here’s the update.


 

Hey,

 

I figured email was the better option since there’s so many things to update on.

 

Car:

I can’t transfer the loan to Zane. I can’t add him to the loan. The car dealership will give me $6,500 for it. So now the ball is in Zane’s court. He needs to call / go to banks and see if he can get his own loan, or find someone willing to get a loan for him. Currently he can’t afford car payments. I’m not leave Orlando while still having a car loan, so if he can’t figure something out, and I don’t sell it to another person then I’m going to take it back to the dealership.

 

Work:

I’m going to be staying at work for two months until the new curriculum rolls out. This helps everyone out. In two months we will actually be over staffed, but by then two of us will be leaving so it works out. It allows me to keep my benefits and to make some final appointments like going to the dentist and doctor. I might get my eyes checked out as well though I won’t be able to get new frames for another year to that’s iffy.

 

I have reached out to HR about the contract I have with the school in regards to my second degree. My advisor said he would ask around discreetly to see what the repercussions of leaving would be, but that it is usually determined on a case by case basis, so I’m not thinking they will be able to find out much for me.

 

It also lets me go through a normal exit process, which can be planned for.

 

Because I will have my benefits for a while I am going to go to counseling while I’m here. I actually have an appointment scheduled for 1pm today. Instead of having only a handful of sessions I’m going to try to go to her weekly since I’ll be in town.

 

Apartment:

Apparently my other two roommates are moving out as well, so even if I had decided to stay Zane would still be screwed. I have talked to the leasing office. Under the circumstances they agreed that we would reissue the lease taking a different option for breaking the lease. Instead of having to pay rent until the unit is rented out again, we could pay a flat rate (two months worth of rent) and end it.

 

Uke and Hannah do not move out until June, which lines up for when I would want to be back in Vegas (July). I would be here to sign whatever paperwork is necessary. Zane wants to keep the apartment and I suppose will be looking for new roommates to take the empty rooms.

 

He won’t sign me off of the lease unless new tenants can be found. Breaking the lease is a last resort in his mind. If the lease is broken then I don’t owe him rent. At the moment rent money for the current apartment is being taken from the $2000 of debt he has towards me for when I covered his expenses while he was unemployed.

 

There’s a bunch of other drama going on with Zane. He has a new girlfriend so there is literally no room in the apartment for me to use as my own. I plan to negotiate with him today about lowering the amount I pay for rent due to the fact that I don’t contribute to any of the utilities used and I can’t stay at the apartment and am having to stay with a friend. Conversations with him are always confrontational so I don’t imagine it will go well, but in my head it’s not fair to pay the same amount as everyone else and to have less than (in my head, nothing) when I was told that I would be able to stay at the apartment when I got back to Orlando.

 

I will keep you posted on those happenings.

 

Storage:

I plan to get a small storage unit for my things so they are not in the apartment with Zane. I would be more comfortable with them in a different location. With how some of our confrontations have gone I don’t want the possibility of him storing my stuff at the apartment to be used against me or as leverage.

 

Phones:

Zane and I have a phone plan together with Verizon. My phone was a gift for when I helped him through his unemployment. I was looking at paying the amounts on the phones off but paying $1000 for both phones would only lower the phone bill by $40, so it’s not a very cost effective option.

 

I am going to see what it would cost to have my own phone line and if that is even an option I can do.

 

I was wonder what type of phone plane you and Lio have, and what the cost of adding my line to yours would be. Sometimes that cheaper than having a single line. I could pay the difference it would make to your monthly statement if this is a possibility you are A) comfortable with entertaining and B) able to do.

 

No worries if not. It’s just an option I thought of and would like to explore if able to. If not then I plan to see if I can switch back to MetroPC service since it’s unlimited everything for only $40 a month. Again, all of this hinges on being able to transfer my phone away from Verizon, so none of these options may be available to me. I have to find that out today.


 

I think that’s it for the most part. I’m sure there are other things but I think those are the biggest areas. If you could let me know your opinion about the phone idea I would appreciate it.

 

Other than that I’ll keep on keeping on and let you know about developments.

 

I love you. Thank you for being awesome and helping me through this.