Daily Post 178: First Nursing Test

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I had my first nursing test today. I made a 92. We started talking about coping and stress and learning styles once the test was done.

It was a good class. Better than some of the previous ones.

I stopped at Walmart to do minor shopping while I was out. I managed to go through the whole day and only had half a cigarette twice with Ox. One compared to the five at work yesterday. The headache I had for most of the afternoon I think comes from withdrawals because of that.

I used the Ninja Foodi to cook a brisket tonight. It turned out amazing. Super tender. I have a few containers of leftovers.

I worked on the assignments for unit 2 when I got home. Ox came over and we did one of the Darebee exercises. I cross-stitched after dinner. I’ve made my to-do list. My lunch is packed.

I hurt and I’m lonely and I miss mom and that’s kind of where I’ve been at all day. I wish Ox and I could sleep together. I miss hearing him breath next to me. I miss knowing that he’s there and I’m not alone. I know I’m not but it feels like it right now and that sucks.

Today’s a low day even though good things happened.

It will get better. I need to give myself time for the hurt to fade away.

“Hello, Grief, my ever-present companion. Won’t you sit with me until the thought of standing isn’t quite so painful? We can talk, you and I. I am sure one day we will eventually figure this out, this moving forward thing, but for now, my body and soul ache and I can go no further tonight. Instead, please sit with me within the landscape of my mind, our shoulders touching, and let me mourn for the things I can no longer have. “

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Daily Post 175: Last Day Off

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Another good day and another quick writing since it’s already 9 am. I have work tomorrow at Cap City. I’m ok with that. I can make it through tomorrow. I’m not dreading it like I would have been last week. Time away from everything most likely has a lot to do with that.

Today has gone fairly well. I woke up at 4 am to spend a few minutes with Ox before he went to work. There was an issue with my phone this morning. For some reason, it wouldn’t receive calls. It got itself figured out, though. Not sure how. I’m inclined to think there was an issue with the network.

Anywho, after hugging Ox goodbye I went back to sleep for another four hours. It was pretty amazing. When I woke up I began tackling things on my to-do list since I had taken the time to make one the night before.

I had a lot of social tasks on there. Replying to Facebook messages. Cleaning up Facebook in general and leaving groups I’m no longer a part of or active in. Going through my text messages and making sure there weren’t things there that I forgot to reply to. Letting people know I’m still alive. That sort of thing.

It took a while but I got through all of it. I’m going to request time off from work to try to make it to my friend’s baby shower. Her parents offered to pay for my plane ticket. It’s going to be the only time in a while that I’ll get to see pretty much all of her family at one time. I had originally thought to not go until she mentioned that fact. Her aunt, her grandmother… pretty much all of her family who still lives in South Carolina; they’re going to be there. I want to be able to see them.

So I’m going to ask if I can have time off from work to go. The worst they’ll say is no and then I can go back to my original idea of visiting during spring vacation or something.

After the hour or so it took to get caught up in that area of my life I began working through the 5th chapter of my Structure and Function of the Human Body course. I got through everything I wanted to do. Woo.

I went to a kickboxing class today. That was pretty fun. It wasn’t crazy intense but with being out of the game for so long it was nice to do more of a warm-up routine rather than an “ohgodimdying” routine. I could still walk afterward which was nice because I went to a home improvement store and bought a shelf to go under the window in my kitchen.

I like it. It frees up space on my counter so when I get time this weekend, most likely Sunday, I have a spot to put the Ninja. Can. Not. Wait. /happy dance

Ox came over and helped me put the shelf up. He as spent time with the fur babies. Saber has been super mouthly the last few days. Most of her food doesn’t get eaten. She doesn’t play as much as Dagger either. I’ve been worried about her. I think maybe her teeth aren’t as developed as Daggers and so eating the mix of wet/dry food that I’ve been doing might be harder for her than I realized.

Ox had me try feeding her just wet food and she seemed to do really well with that. I did it again not too long ago and again had really good results so we’ll keep an eye on her.

Once we were able to pull ourselves away from the cuteness, Ox and I got to work crushing our Darebee challenge for the day. Still no team name, but that’s alright. When we were done with our work out, Ox went back home so I could finish making flashcards for chapter 5. When I finally got done with that I packed up my laundry and the chicken I had marinating in the fridge and went to the house to cook dinner.

That turned out well. Ox liked this marinate more than the last one, so that’s another recipe to add to the list of things we can do for variety. He helped me go through chapter 4’s flashcards while I was there. That took most of the evening. I need to go through them on my own so I can hone in the on the ones giving me issues. I also got my laundry started so I can have clean compression socks for work tomorrow.

Instead of cross stitching after dinner, there was sexy time. With how crazy things have been and having the kids both weekends recently there hasn’t been a lot of sexual intimacy. I haven’t been struggling as much with that, maybe because school has me constantly burying my nose in a book. Even still, it was extremely connective to spend time together like that rather than each of us doing our own thing.

I ended up confessing that the 91 I made on my first test really bothers me. Bothers me on a level that I don’t think it should. He said he was proud of me. That even if I didn’t score all that awesome that he would still be proud of me because of the volume of information I’m having to absorb and the amount of effort I’m putting into trying to do well. /warm fuzzy feelings

It makes me feel better about the grade.

Currently, I’m back at the apartment wrapping things up for the day. My lunch is already packed. My protein shake is made. The kittens are fed. My to-do list is made. Once I post this writing I’ll be able to pack up my bookbag, brush my teeth and take my contacts out.

I’m ready for tomorrow. And I’m ready to mark today as done.

Daily Post 174: Small Steps

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I’m going to try to make this a quick writing since it’s already almost 11 pm. I don’t have work tomorrow, but I am trying to stay on a decent sleep schedule, so staying up much later wouldn’t be a good idea.

I’ve been doing pretty alright this week. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I’ve only worked Monday so far. Tuesday was school. Today was a day off. Tomorrow will be a day off as well.

So much time off… it’s almost like I’m unemployed. Only halfway joking… After spending so long working so much my brain can’t wrap around this whole “not being at work” thing. I’m completely soaking it all in, though.

I got a 91 on my first exam. Not super awesome, but not shabby either. I’m waiting to hear back as to what questions I missed. I got a fair amount of studying done this morning. That was a good feeling along with doing chores and feeling like my life is starting to get mildly under control again.

Ox and I met in town for lunch. We went to Costco to put gas in both cars. From there we went to Office Max so I could get printer ink and a hole puncher. I’ve been doing better about making to-do lists. I even went as far as to make my own custom to-do list sheets in Google’s Sheets app.

I like them. There’s color. I have my daily, repeating tasks on there so I don’t have to write them by hand over and over and over. It makes a part of my brain happy. Tonight I finished working on the weekly sheets and monthly sheets. Those are most likely going to need a bit more tweeking, but it’s a good start.

After Office Max we headed back to Costco since most of the things we wanted to get were meats or frozen things. Ox got me a Ninja Foodi while we were there. : x

It’s expensive. At least, to me it’s expensive. I totally didn’t need to have it. I was doing just fine cooking meals without it. But holy fuck does it open up so many more things for me to do. I could cook my very own chicken, without having to get a rotisserie. I can try all of those instant pot recipes I keep seeing. I cannot wait for it to be next week so I can meal plan again.

I feel irresponsible and yet adult-ish at the same time. That was money we could have spent on debt. But I have a toy that can help make my life easier. It’s confusing. I like it. I want to use it. I want to make awesome meals for everyone with it. Awesome healthy meals in line with everyone’s goals.

Speaking of… I tried a new recipe tonight. I found it while I was looking for keto recipes during one of my breaks Tuesday. It seemed promising and it was. Super simple and well liked by everyone. I’ll definitely be making it again.

Other than that… I had to get stabbed three different times today. School is requiring that I get boosters for my vaccinations. Lame. The RN was super nice, though. I’m going to go through my papers and find the immunization forms that I have so those can be added into my medical file since none of them are there for some reason. Glad I have those from mom. Maybe they’ll prevent me from having to get more needles jabbed into my arms.

Ox and I have been doing really well with the Darebee exercises. That was one of the things I wanted to try to do as a goal for my 30-day Push thing. The only downside with that… Ox is his own person and if he wasn’t on board with doing this with me, then I’m sort of set up for failure at the get-go. You can’t control anyone other than yourself, so making a goal that depends or is co-dependant on someone else isn’t a smart move.

He and I talked about it and so far, like I said, we’re doing well. I haven’t been making it to the gym like I was hoping I would. I’ve been really productive and I don’t feel bad about how I’ve spent my time. Maybe I need to reevaluate some of the goals so they’re more realistic. I’m happy that the Darebee goal is going well. That’s still taking steps in the forward direction. It’s 10 minutes, roughly, each day that we’re both doing something together. We don’t have a team name yet. Hopefully we come up with something badass. We also have our “theme song”. At least, that’s what it feels like. We’ve used the same song for the past three workouts. It works though. Good pace, good rhythm. You can’t argue good.

I think I’m going to go for now. It’s getting later and later as I sit and type this. General conclusion, it was a good day. Dinner was awesome. I got to cross stitch afterwards. I started watching Black Clover with Ox. I found the good pair of sunglasses that were missing for forever. I have a new kitchen gadget of amazingness.

Yeah… it was a good day.

Daily Post 173: Post Emotions and Kittens

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This isn’t a letter to mom. This is me writing so some of those swirling emotions inside me can potentially find a way out. I should have known today would go like this. It’s the first day in a while where I’ve had the chance to slow down and breath and because of that, all the emotions are welling up to the surface. I’m surprised it took until now to get to where I’m at. Silent tears running down my cheeks as I sit in front of the computer thinking about the mountain of everything that’s happened in the past few months.

Like normal, I don’t even know where to start.

I suppose I can start with the cutest thing first. I adopted two farm kittens this past Monday. My boss knew someone who wasn’t able to keep them and needed to find a home for them. So they now have a home with me. They’re sisters and they get to stay together. I don’t care that my lease says I can’t have them. I’ve seen the guy across from me come out to his balcony and his cat follows him out. Two wrongs don’t make a right. I accept whatever consequences there may be, including being evicted. They’re worth it.

They had their first vet appointment this morning. They were given a dewormer since mama cat was an outdoor cat and they spent their first six weeks outside eating who knows what bugs they were playing with. The vet said they sound fine and that there aren’t any signs of health issues so far. From the behavior I described to him he says there’s currently nothing to worry about. They go back in two weeks for their first vaccinations.

Their names are Saber and Dagger. Saber is the greyish one, and Dagger is the brownish tiger one. They’re my snuggle buddies. They both love curling up with me in bed. Saber is more reserved than Dagger. Dagger’s going to be the hellion of the house. I can already see it.

Thursday was my last day for DSS Leadership. I had to do my About Me slide. I know when I do it in the future it will be much different. It will have pictures of the kittens on there. It will have my DSS Leadership group picture on there. It will have a lot of different things there because I’ll be further in my journey.

This time it had a lot about mom in it. I talked about how it wasn’t until her death that I felt like an adult and how sometimes life throws you a curveball that you could never be prepared for. I talked about how I went to therapy because I wasn’t equipped to handle everything in my life on my own.

It was pretty emotional. I told my classmates at the beginning of my presentation that life is a lot like a heartbeat. You have ups and downs and that my story was going to have a really low down but there were positives on the other side of it so I needed them to stay with me through the hard parts.

My FA gave me a hand made give with my personal credo on it. “Show up to battle and fight for what you believe in.” I’m going to hang it on my front door so I see it every time I leave the apartment; my reminder to be the type of person I want to be. I had tears in my eyes as she gave it to me.

She also told me that I was chosen to write an article for the October edition of the Tech Talk news letter. It’s the letter that gets sent to literally every PCT in the company, and FA, and who knows who else. Literally, thousands of people are going to get this email with my article in it. It’s an “About Me” article since I guess someone somewhere feels like I should share my store. It’s humbling and intimidating and I’ve already written my rough draft and I’m emotionally exhausted from everything. Work, DSS, writing, studying for school because that’s going on at the same time…

I feel honored for the opportunity to write about my experience so far. I get to say thank you to everyone in my Orlando clinic. I get to include them in my journy and show how the company really is more of a village, a community, rather than a company. At least it can be if you let it.

School is going well so far. I feel fairly on top of my assignments. I finished the flashcards for chapter three in my Human Structure class. I want to take the test tomorrow, but with how little I’ve studied in comparison to what I wanted to do… I’m not sure.

Being sad and tired is factoring into not studying as effectively as I normally would.

I have the shopping list written out, but the thought of actually going to the store right now is draining. Who knows. Maybe I’ll feel up to doing it later tonight once it’s dark and hardly anyone is out and about.

Jon survived the hurricane. Thankfully it downgraded pretty severally before reaching Florida. He was on call at the hospital which got him a ton of overtime. Glad it was fairly uneventful for him.

The next few weeks at work are going to be pretty chill. I only work three days each week. THREE! And only one of those days is going to be at Cap City. I can totally handle that. I want to try to add structure back into my life. I want to figure out a class at the gym do each day I’m not working. I want to do the Adventure’s League at Hobby Town with Ox.

I want to figure out how to have a life again. I think that starts with building a routine. I think I want to go through and to the 30-day challenge again. I think that could help give me structure and focus and help me identify goals and milestones.

Oh. I did my yearly physical for my insurance. I’m .1 freaking point away from an extra $400 off my yearly premium. ONE TENTH OF A POINT! >.<; OMG

That’s so much better than what it first was three-ish years ago. It’s awesome to see that even though I feel like I haven’t made progress since last October, that I still sort of have. If I can get back on the bandwagon of going to the gym along with continuing to eat healthily I should be ridiculously phenomenal next year.

So… yeah… my numbers aren’t where I was hoping they would be at, but they’re still pretty good. Definitely healthier than where I started.

Ox and I had a small talk the other night. I asked him if he could try not smoking in front of me. I’ve been doing really well with not smoking. Not 100% awesome since I’ve had a few drags here and there. I had a whole one with New RN Friday when we worked together. But compared to the over half a pack I was doing a short two weeks ago… I feel like I’m doing pretty freaking awesome.

It’s hard to not want to smoke with the other girls in my LPN class. God, that sounds so much like a high school thing to say, but there you go. We’re all just kids with more expensive toys.

I want to be part of the group. I want to belong and to be part of “them”. But I don’t want to smoke, so if I go and hang out with them while they’re smoking then I’m going to make things awkward. I’ll also want to smoke and that will sort of ruin the whole retiring thing. And yes, I’m going to refer to it as retiring. It was super cute. One of my DSS classmates told me to say retire instead of quit since quitting normally a bad thing.

I can’t lie, saying that I’ve retired sounds way more dignified. XD

Anywho, I’m sort of struggling on Tuesdays more because I want to have a feeling of belonging rather than because I want a cigarette. When I’m with Ox and we’re outside and his smoking it’s sort of hard, too. When we’re out grocery shopping and he has one before getting in the car… It’s hard to not feel denied. I want one, but I can’t have one, but I have to watch while someone else gets to have the thing I want and they shouldn’t share with me because we both know I really don’t want it but I do…

He said he would do his best to be better about not smoking in front of me. I’m grateful for his effort. I don’t mean to be annoying about it.

Surprisingly I don’t really know what else to type about. I sort of want to go to the store now. I feel like I have a bit of energy. I could get the shelves I want for the apartment and keep plucking away at making this feel like my little dragon den.

I guess we’ll see how the rest of the night plays out.

Letters to Mom 025: Remembering to Love

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Hey mom,

I should have known tonight would be a sleepless night. It’s midnight. I have class, my first one of the LPN program, at 8 AM, which means I need to be leaving here around 6:30 AM which means I should be waking up around 5 AM to make sure I’m showered and packed and ready to go.

That means if I fall asleep right now, this instant, that I would get five hours of sleep. It’s not going to happen. I would rather write to you instead.

A lot has happened in a short amount of time.

I worked a billion hours the past two months or so. I’m glad that stint of my life is over. I took a vacation to see Jon. It was nice. I saw Mother Earth and Sir while I was there. We played a new game called Red Flags. I think you would have liked it.

Jon and I talked a lot while I was there. We talked about you. We talked about the fights we had at the hospital while you were there. We talked about our grief and how each of us feels about it. He’s worried that I’m stagnating and not “moving on”. He thinks that because I talked about how your birthday still hurts me. How significant events, important days, still deeply hurt and make me cry.

Maybe he’s right. Maybe I should be “better” or whatever, but I’m not and I’m ok with that. I want your birthday to hurt. I want it to mean something to me. I want all of those days that are connected to you to still mean something because otherwise, it will feel like I’m losing the last bit of you that I still have.

I got sick while I was on vacation. To the point where Sunday morning, after flying back to Nebraska, I was coughing so hard so frequently that I started coughing up trace amounts of blood. I went to an urgent care facility but they wouldn’t see me when I described what was going on. They said that I needed to go to the ER. So I did. Ox drove me. He stayed with me the whole time. I had to have chest x-rays done. I had to have labs drawn. They gave me two breathing treatments while we waited on results because my lungs sounded so awful.

In the end, they diagnosed me with bronchitis and sent me home with an inhaler and steroids to take for five days. I sent a message to work to let them know I wouldn’t be able to cover my shift Monday due to what was going on. I don’t feel bad about it. In a year and a half I’ve called in once and I was literally in the ER.

The online portion of classes unlocked today. Since I stayed home from work I did a bunch of that stuff. It kept me busy while Ox was at work. We met in Lincoln for lunch. I tried a new soup at the Chinese place we like on Sunday after the ER visit. We had time to kill before my prescriptions were filled and I needed to try to eat something since I’ve been eating relatively poorly since Thursday. Something about my body trying its damnedest to kill me just ruins my appetite. Much lame.

Anyway, they had a seafood soup that sounded interesting. I tried it and really liked it. So much so that I asked to go there again today so I could have it for lunch. I only ate half, but that meant I had a snack later. It’s definitely a nice change of pace from the chicken broth and grilled cheese sandwiches I’ve been eating. Ox does make some pretty amazing grilled cheese sandwiches, though. Definitely not slumming it.

While we were in town, Ox and I went to Barns and Noble to look at Dungeons and Dragons books. That’s something that Jon and I did while I was in Florida. We played D&D a couple of times and it was so much fun. Ox and I looked into groups here around Lincoln and found one that meets Wednesday nights. We need to have our own books and dice, so that’s what we did today. We went and got the books we needed and the dice so we can play in a couple of days.

We’ll be able to game together, outside of the house, away from electronics. Maybe we’ll even make friends outside of work.

I don’t know why but I’m super looking forward to it even though I have yet to transfer my character information from Jon’s account to my own. There’s a website where you can keep track of your character information digitally. It’s pretty awesome and I know none of that really makes much sense to you, but I know if we were talking in person you would be smiling at my enthusiasm and happy simply for the fact that I’m happy and excited and looking forward to something.

And I guess that’s where things get weird and painful. I’m looking forward to things and it hurts. I’m kind of excited about my class and that hurts, too. I wrote posts for discussion boards and you weren’t here to proofread them. I’m having to explain all over again why I’m entering the medical field. I’m having to explain the situation we went through and how it affected me and why I feel so deeply about helping people.

I was laying next to Ox before I decided to get up and write. I was thinking about how he’s been so supportive of me over the last year and a half; how he’s been so supportive and kind while I’ve been sick. I remembered some of the conversations I’ve had with him. The ones where I said I felt like I didn’t love him the way he deserved to be loved and that I felt broken and didn’t know if I would ever be able to love the way I used to.

I do love him, mom. I wish you could meet him. I wish he could meet you. I know you want me to be happy. I remember one time, you and I were talking about pets. I think it was about Bonnie, our first cat. She was older than I was when she died. Eighteen years old. I was young. Hardly a teenager, if that.

You said something about getting another pet eventually and I didn’t understand. How could you get another cat? How could you replace Bonnie?

You explained that you weren’t replacing her. You had loved Bonnie as much as you could while she was alive. How could you deny another animal the same love and compassion simply because you hurt? How was it right to withhold something from someone else for something they had nothing to do with?

I know we were talking about pets, animals, and to some people that logic wouldn’t apply to humans, but I think I understand what you were saying back then. What you were really saying.

It’s not right of me to not love as deeply, as intensely, as passionately as I used to just because you died. I know it sucks. I know it hurts. Holy fuck, do I know how much it hurts and aches and tries to tear me apart still. I know how much I hate it and how I wish I could change it and have you still physically be a part of my life.

But at the same time, it’s not fair of me to deny Ox the level and depth of love and connection he deserves to have. The level and depth that I am able to give if only I would allow myself to give it. To accept that yes, one day one of us will die, and that will suck, horrifically suck, but that doesn’t make it right for me to not love in the now. To give that for as long as I can while we are together.

I think that’s what you would want me to do. To allow myself to love, fully, and to not deny the people in my life that simply because I hurt, or am worried about future hurt.

These are pretty heavy thoughts to be having seven hours before my first class, but there you go. Sometimes that’s just how life works I guess.

I miss you, mom. I miss you a lot. I think I’m going to try loving. Actually loving. Fully loving. Ox deserves that. The relationship I have with him deserves that. And I think, deep down, somewhere inside me, you deserve that. You raised me to be stronger than internal and emotional pain. You raised me to overcome things like this. To work through them and function past them. To learn from them.

I think I’m learning. It’s taking a while, and god does it fucking hurt, mom, but I think I’m getting there. One painful remembered lesson at a time.

I love you, forever and for always. Thanks for being my mom and for still being with me.

Daily Post 172: A Day of Self-Care

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It’s 8:12 as I sit to write this. I have to be up at 2:30. I’m ok with cutting into my sleep, though. It’s the first time in a while where my ability to write overlaps with my will to write. I want to take advantage of it while I can.

I finally have internet at the apartment. Woo! That means I have the ability to write and post in the same sitting. I can pay bills online while staying in my pjs. I can look up new recipes while I sip at my cup of coffee. I can listen to music on my phone without cutting into my data.

It’s stupid, but it makes me happy to have it again. It’s another silly, small thing that makes me feel like an independent adult who has their shit mildly together on the outside because the inside is a lot like this…

In regards to the internet, there was a promotional offer for the first three months free with this particular internet provider. There was also a referral program I could take advantage of since it’s the same internet company Ox’s parents use. All in all, it ended up working out well for me to hold off for so long with getting it set up. It’s nice to finally have it again, though.

Work is still pretty nebulous and I don’t like that. I finally worked with my FA again yesterday. She was gone on PTO for about a week. We didn’t get a chance to talk about anything overly important yesterday; at least not the important things I was hoping to have answers to or clarification on. So I’m left working through feelings of frustration.

I’m still mildly frustrated over the PCT Advisory Committee meeting, too, but I’m coming to terms with those feelings. And since I don’t have a whole lot of time to write, right now most likely isn’t the best time to get into it.

I’ve decided for the time being to keep my head down and simply work through my schedule. That’s all that’s really required of me. I’m still doing five days a week anyway. There’s not a whole lot else I can do or give.

Ox and I had lunch today after he got off work. I’ve listened to a fair amount of the new leadership book for my class on August 5th. I bought the plane tickets and reserved a car for August 18th to the 22nd so I can visit Orlando before the LPN program starts on August 27th. I bought and assembled a new computer desk which I’m currently typing at. I like it. I think it will serve me well once school starts and once I get things put away/organized better. I ordered a gaming chair from Amazon that should be here in a few more days. Got some new cross-stitching thread ordered, too, since I didn’t have all of the colors I needed to complete the project I started. Hard to believe there are still colors I don’t have…

I did finish a small project last night, which is why I started the new one. I’ve switched my focus from larger projects to smaller ones at the moment. Since I don’t allow myself much time to stitch doing smaller patterns lets me still feel a sense of accomplishment or at least progress.

I’ve also been playing Witcher 3 for the past week. Ox set up my tv, the one I bought over a year ago and never had a place to put… He also set up my PlayStation for me while I was washing dishes at the apartment. I restarted my game… again… I’m so tired of killing this freaking griffin. >.<;

Thankfully I’m past the griffin part. I’m enjoying the game and playing and escaping from reality for a few hours at a time. I’m looking forward to sticking with it and getting to new parts that I haven’t already played. It’s also been nice to have my own little entertainment area. I hadn’t realized until just now that I haven’t had my own living room since I first moved down to Florida, what… eight years ago? Maybe nine?

The first apartment I ever had, I lived alone. After that I always had roommates and so the living room was a communal area. Realizing that fact made things feel more… real. More me. More mine and safe and like I have actually achieved something with my life so far. Maybe I’ve been making more progress than I’ve allowed myself to fully acknowledge.

Overall, today has been a low key day and I’m ok with that. I did a fair amount of self-care today. All of my chores were caught up so I could take the time to do the things I wanted to do and it was an extremely nice change of pace.

The next two days I work at the Cap City clinic, but I’m C1 which means I’ll be leaving at 1 pm at the latest. Theoretically… The Universe always loves to fuck with shit when you say it in absolutes like that.

The past two times I’ve opened the clinic things have gone smoothly. I am starting to get a feel for the workflow at that clinic and mixing bicarb doesn’t intimidate me like it used to. I’m not necessarily looking forward to my days at this clinic, but I’m not dreading them either. I know what the tasks are that I need to do as a C1. It’s a confident feeling. Stable. Self-assured. I know what I need to do and I have more faith in my ability to do it well and efficiently since I’ve had to cover so many shifts at this clinic recently.

Anywho… not a whole lot else at the moment. I know I need to write some deep, soul-searchy posts in the near future, but I don’t feel like digging that deep tonight, so it’s off to bed for me.

Daily Post 171: Catching Up

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Today is my first day off in a while. And I say that after having both days off this past weekend…

It feels like my life is mostly work right now. I pulled 66 hours not long ago. The previous weeks were most likely in the 40 – 50 range. Some days I only have to worry about a 4-hour meeting, so they’re not 12 hour long days, but I am consistently doing 4 to 6 days each week. It wears on you after a while. It makes me appreciate my time off and it makes me super worried and anxious about having “down” days during that brief time because that’s the only time I have to get stuff done. I don’t have time to be “down”.

Which is pretty fucked up if you think about it. I’m basically saying I don’t have time to process through my emotions. I don’t have time to be tired. I don’t have time to recover. I only have time to do the things I need to do to make sure I can keep going on all the days I work since I don’t have time to do chores/errands on those days. I only have enough time to keep up.

What’s even more fucked up is I do this to myself. >.<;

Anyway, today is going well. I’m in the process of trying to get stuff done. I’ve already showered and shaved so I don’t feel like Godzilla. I’ve had a good breakfast. I’ve chatted with a few friends that I haven’t talked with in a while. I even made it to the gym to do a Tabata workout that I survived, if just barely. I didn’t do as well as I would have about a year ago, but I stayed for the whole thing AND was able to walk out, on my own, down the stairs, without falling on my face. Go me. I’m a fucking badass. /flex

I finally stepped on the scale again this morning. I’ve been dreading that. Still where I was. No weight gain. No weight loss. I’m ok with that.

I’m still sitting here at the gym. I’ve been plucking away at my email and paying bills and student loans since I dropped my A&P class. Those are due a few more times before the LPN program starts at the end of August.

There’s a bunch of stuff going on at work but I don’t really feel like getting into it too much. Mostly I’m just wanting to type a quick post to let the Universe know I’m still alive.

The tasks for today, aside from bill paying, will be ordering an L-shaped desk to use as my study center at the apartment and setting up internet so I can access my class and such once it starts. I’ve called and asked about my class books. Since I’m registered at the Beatrice campus I’m not sure if I’m limited to getting my books only from that bookstore or if I could swing by the Lincoln campus and retrieve them. It would be convenient to get them while I’m in town today. Otherwise, I’m not sure when I would be able to pick them up. I’m at work too late to do it while I’m down there and I don’t have any days off in the near future other than Sundays and they’re not open Sundays.

Blarg. So yeah… Not a whole lot going on aside from work. Things have been fairly stable. The apartment is going well. Ox and I are doing well. I’ve been approved for vacation the week before school starts so I’m planning on taking a trip down to Orlando to see John and Mother Earth and a few other people. I think it will be a nice break before school begins and to recover from all of the overtime I’ve been pulling.

I might be moving from a PCT 1 position to a PCT 2 position. Basically, it just means that I’ve been doing this for a while and am a senior member of the team. There’s also a float position being created that I’ve expressed interest in since I feel I’m unofficially filling that role already. I have expressed concerns over it to my FA and she’s looking into it since it would change things in the clinic. I don’t want to lose her as my manager. I like working with her and I like Beatrice being my home.

I feel like I’m rambling with no real direction.

I guess I feel better today because I’ve been able to sleep well the past few nights and I’ve been able to take the time I need for self-care. I’m not all doom and gloom because I feel like I’m able to take some time to breathe and be with myself doing the things I want to do. It’s a nice feeling.

We’ll see how things play out. So far today is a good day and I’m grateful for that.