I have debated on rewriting this page for months now, ever since my mom died.
I still believe in what my page originally said. My goal in life, my purpose, will always be to help others grow and realize themselves, and sometimes that is best done by sharing.
Experiences, emotions, thoughts, fears. Triumphs and tribulations alike.
Sometimes the best way to learn is to show someone, share with them, your own experience. Sometimes you have to share the story of how you fought the same demons, and came out victorious in the end. Maybe with new scars and gashes, wounds that will need to heal, but you survived. You won your battle and so, too, can they.
My current battle, the challenge I am facing every day I wake up, every second I breathe, is the reality that on April 4th 2016 my mother died. At the age of 27 I became the matriarch of my family.
I have “hard” days sometimes. I refuse to think of them as bad. Mom wanted me to live a full life, and I am trying my hardest to honor her wish, but sometimes it’s hard. It’s hard to care. It’s hard to live. The pain is so excruciating sometimes that all I can do is literally scream. Over and over and over. I shriek in rage and fury. I screech at the feelings of injustice, wrongness, and loneliness. I scream with every fiber of my being until my voice is raw and I am exhausted and spent and there is nothing left in me to give, to feel.
Because of this change in my life my writings can be difficult to read. They are pure and free form and the anguish in them is very real. But so, too, is the peace I find at the end. The happiness I am able to find in my days. The connectedness and support I receive from my fellow humans and the universe.
I write about it all. This isn’t a highlight blog where there’s only the pretty things in life. This IS my life. Unaltered. Unadulterated. It’s the good. The bad. The easy. The hard. The uncontainable smile of accomplishment and pride. The scraped and bloodied knees from falling down.
This is everything, and right now I’m fighting the hardest battle I’ve ever had to face. Figuring out how to live my life, how to stand on my own without my mentor and guiding sun to cushion my falls.
Some days are hard, and I get through them. I know I will have more, and I am ok with that. I accept my reality as much as I wish I could rage against, change it, will it back to the way it was.
THIS is where I am at. Here. In the present. In my reality. My mom is no longer physically here with me. I’ll never hear her voice on the other end of the phone. She will never be able to stand in front of me and do the “I told you so dance” when I accomplish something I was having anxiety over. Her eyes will never glitter with happiness or water with tears of sorrow.
But that doesn’t mean she’s not with me.
This is me figuring out myself. This is me figuring out this new spiritual relationship with my best friend and mentor. This is me being open, honest, vulnerable, angry, and scared. This is me healing, recovering, and living.
I will do more than just exist. I will live each day to the fullest because that is what I promised I would do. My story isn’t over and this blog, this small, insignificant space in the vastness of all of the Internet, will continue to be my saga, recounting everything I accomplish along with everything I overcome.