Daily Post 178: First Nursing Test

I had my first nursing test today. I made a 92. We started talking about coping and stress and learning styles once the test was done.

It was a good class. Better than some of the previous ones.

I stopped at Walmart to do minor shopping while I was out. I managed to go through the whole day and only had half a cigarette twice with Ox. One compared to the five at work yesterday. The headache I had for most of the afternoon I think comes from withdrawals because of that.

I used the Ninja Foodi to cook a brisket tonight. It turned out amazing. Super tender. I have a few containers of leftovers.

I worked on the assignments for unit 2 when I got home. Ox came over and we did one of the Darebee exercises. I cross-stitched after dinner. I’ve made my to-do list. My lunch is packed.

I hurt and I’m lonely and I miss mom and that’s kind of where I’ve been at all day. I wish Ox and I could sleep together. I miss hearing him breath next to me. I miss knowing that he’s there and I’m not alone. I know I’m not but it feels like it right now and that sucks.

Today’s a low day even though good things happened.

It will get better. I need to give myself time for the hurt to fade away.

“Hello, Grief, my ever-present companion. Won’t you sit with me until the thought of standing isn’t quite so painful? We can talk, you and I. I am sure one day we will eventually figure this out, this moving forward thing, but for now, my body and soul ache and I can go no further tonight. Instead, please sit with me within the landscape of my mind, our shoulders touching, and let me mourn for the things I can no longer have. “

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Daily Post 177: Back and Forth

I didn’t write yesterday. Totally broke my writing streak which WordPress we so kind enough to inform me about. I wrote for three days in a row. I know… Mind blown, right? It’s been forever, eons, since I’ve carved out time to write for three consecutive days.

I was a little sad that I didn’t write last night but yesterday was a pretty BS day at work. I was still tired from Friday. Last night wasn’t a very good night to write. It would have been doom and gloom so instead, I kept all of that to myself and eventually went to sleep.

Even Ox said I looked tired yesterday morning, which is saying something since he’s seen me at 3 am for over a year and a half now. He’s seen good and he’s seen rough. I guess yesterday was a “rougher” looking sort of day. The kittens have been waking me up during the night which doesn’t help anything.

Today didn’t seem like it was starting out much better, but luckily it did turn into a decent day; another one where I’m able to write.

After giving up on sleeping in due to the kittens being awake and ready to play, I got up and started plucking away at my to-do list. I hadn’t finished meal planning the night before, so that’s where I started once I had made a cup of coffee. I spent a fair amount of time looking up new recipes to try as well. I got the shopping list figured out. I cleaned out my email inbox. I went through my physical “in box”, too. It’s been forever since I’ve done that and I could tell with how much time it took for me to sift through everything.

Ox called to let me know he was on his way over. He brought me a Cotton Candy Bang. Lifesaver. We talked for a while. I explained how I was feeling and why I thought I was feeling that way. He and I haven’t been able to spend nearly as much time together as what we’ve become accustomed to. Part of that is due to me having the apartment and the kittens and staying over here more. Part of it is having the kids for the past four weekends in a row. There’s the two months previous where I worked a billion hours…

It just seems like we don’t get much “us” time right now and that chips away at my feeling of connectedness. I also felt like there was this crush of things to do. I only have today before going back to work. Only today to plan and prep and do errands all while trying to make time for school and my tests and assignments.

You know… it would be nice to feel like I have a bit of time for myself, too…

Ox and I ended up spending most of the day together. He was supportive of me and asked every so often how I was doing. He encouraged me when I voiced that I was getting tired. “We’re almost done.” “Only one more stop, then no more people for the rest of the day. 🙂 “

It started with both of us sitting and doing our Darebee workout. Yep. Sitting. Today we did reps of flutter kicks. Nothing crazy intense and I think we were both ok with that.

Ox went back to the house while I finished up some chores at the apartment. I showered, gathered up my stuff, and went to the house to have breakfast with the family. After eating, Ox and I went into town. We tried to find a keto-specific cookbook for the Ninja at Barns and Noble but they didn’t have it. I might have to bite the bullet and order it from Amazon without skimming through it. There was a book for the InstantPot which I might go back and get. There were some nifty recipes in it.

We got gas for the car since I’ll be driving back and forth to Beatrice a lot this week. We poked around a few groceries stores, price checking brisket since that’s the recipe I’m going to be trying out on Tuesday. Eventually, we made our way to Walmart to finish up the shopping and then headed home. I was ready to be done being out. I still had what felt like a mildly overwhelming list of things to do; most important being my school assignments.

We went back to the apartment first to finish up chores and to unload the apartment specific items. I set some chicken to marinate so later I could cook my lunches for the week. Ox and I spent some time with the kittens then headed over to the house. I picked up some things from there, including my flashcards for chapter 4 and 5 then came back to the apartment… lots of back and forth today… Glad the apartment and house are only a few blocks apart.

I studied for a bit then took my second test. I’m waiting for the essay question to be graded. At the moment I’m sitting at a 90 for this test. I’m hoping it gets bumped up a little higher. I replied to the discussion post for my other class as well, so all of those assignments are now complete. I cooked some salmon burgers to have as additional meals/snacks for the week then headed over to the house once again, taking my marinated chicken with me.

Tonight I tried cooking a beef stir fry using a seasoning packet from McCormick along with using new noodles I found. Zero Pasta. They’re interesting. I think we’re going to try using them again this weekend for spaghetti. We have the kids again and that’s one of the go-to meals since we know Lil’ Ox will eat it. Sort of sucks for the rest of us though since we’re all on the low carb train. I’m hoping these noodles help with that issue.

The stir fry itself wasn’t bad but both Ox and I agree that it was pretty bland. It was worth trying out but I think I’ll stick to my own stir fry mix. Before starting on dinner for the family, I preheated the oven so my chicken could cook at the same time. Hooray multitasking. I also made a batch of guacamole to go with my burgers since the blender is at the house rather than the apartment. That’s one of the downsides to living in two places; what you need is always at the other place. XD

I cleaned up the kitchen a bit. Ran the dishwasher. Put away the leftover then made the decision to stay and stitch for a bit. That was probably one of the best parts of my day. Sitting on the bed with Ox next to me, playing his video game with both of us listening to Black Clover. It’s a super simple thing, but it was so… nice. Quiet. Unrushed.

I’m almost done with the cross stitch I’m working on. That’s another thing that’s been nice; eking out time more often than not to work on it. Even if I only get 30ish minutes in, at least I made a little bit of progress. I took a little bit of time to do something for me, next to Ox, away from textbooks and work and chores and obligations.

This is the first full week of using my new to-do list system. I’m still tweaking it a little, but overall I’m pleased with it. I suppose I can get into that later. For now, I’m going to go. It’s getting late and I have work in the morning.

Daily Post 176: Survived the Day

It’s later than I would like, mostly because I’ve been messing around on my phone. I’ll get to that, though.

Today started sort of rough. I woke up in the middle of a REM cycle. Never fun. I was dreaming this morning. I was dreaming about my cousin who I haven’t seen since mom died. In the dream, my uncle was being mean to her. We were at my grandfather’s house. He had already died and we, the family, were there to figure out what to do with all of his things. I remember looking at a knife collection but my uncle was getting upset because he didn’t want us messing with any of the objects in the house.

Eventually, I got tired of my uncle’s attitude and I confronted him.

That’s when I woke up to my alarm for work.

It’s an odd dream. I’ve never had a bad relationship with my uncle. My grandfather never had a knife collection. I haven’t had much time to reflect on it.

Since I was in the middle of dreaming, I woke up tired and was never really able to shake that feeling. I made it through my day at Cap City. I smoked more than I have since I went to the ER. Much lame. Tomorrow will be better in that regard.

I was able to leave work 30 minutes earlier than I thought I would. Woo. I went to the home improvement store to get another bracket for my window shelf. Ox mentioned that it was sagging a touch in the middle so it seemed like a good idea to pick one up. I had to drive past the store to go home anyway. Might as well stop while I’m out. I ran in and spent a bit of time gathering up supplies that I wanted for my “coat rack” pot/pan hanger then headed to the apartment.

Ox was here waiting for me. He put up the third bracket for the shelf while I paid bills and researched a few things. I got $500 out of my $800 discount for health insurance. It would be cool if I could get the other $300. That’s been part of tonight being a late-ish night… I was looking into all of the options I have for that.

Ox and I did our Darebee challenge. Go, team! We already discussed tomorrow’s challenge. Since it’s Ox’s birthday, he gets the kids. He said we can still do the challenge but it will have to be later in the evening after the kids have gone back to their mom. I’m ok with that. I’m grateful he’s willing to do it at all.

Ox and I spent a bunch of time in the bedroom with the kittens, too. While we were there he quizzed me with my flashcards. By then it was around 7 pm.

I’ve been looking at the App Store for a good yoga app. I think I found one I’m going to try. While I was poking around, I found a rainstorm app that I’m going to try out tonight, too.

I didn’t cook the stir fry like I wanted to. I was pretty dead after work. I heated up leftovers not too long ago. I’ve been trying to catch up on my water intake, too.

Tomorrow I work at my clinic. Finally. I haven’t been there since Monday. The schedule for the last two weeks of September came out, but there are already several changes that are going to be made to it so… yeah… I doubt what I have is going to be what I actually end up working. It’s frustrating. I wish I had a consistent schedule. : /

But, yeah… not a whole lot to write about since not a whole lot happened. Got to spend some alone time with Ox which is always nice. Got some stuff taken care of. Sort of not looking forward to work but that’s because I’m still tired from this morning.

I guess I should go for now so I can get to sleep.

Daily Post 175: Last Day Off

Another good day and another quick writing since it’s already 9 am. I have work tomorrow at Cap City. I’m ok with that. I can make it through tomorrow. I’m not dreading it like I would have been last week. Time away from everything most likely has a lot to do with that.

Today has gone fairly well. I woke up at 4 am to spend a few minutes with Ox before he went to work. There was an issue with my phone this morning. For some reason, it wouldn’t receive calls. It got itself figured out, though. Not sure how. I’m inclined to think there was an issue with the network.

Anywho, after hugging Ox goodbye I went back to sleep for another four hours. It was pretty amazing. When I woke up I began tackling things on my to-do list since I had taken the time to make one the night before.

I had a lot of social tasks on there. Replying to Facebook messages. Cleaning up Facebook in general and leaving groups I’m no longer a part of or active in. Going through my text messages and making sure there weren’t things there that I forgot to reply to. Letting people know I’m still alive. That sort of thing.

It took a while but I got through all of it. I’m going to request time off from work to try to make it to my friend’s baby shower. Her parents offered to pay for my plane ticket. It’s going to be the only time in a while that I’ll get to see pretty much all of her family at one time. I had originally thought to not go until she mentioned that fact. Her aunt, her grandmother… pretty much all of her family who still lives in South Carolina; they’re going to be there. I want to be able to see them.

So I’m going to ask if I can have time off from work to go. The worst they’ll say is no and then I can go back to my original idea of visiting during spring vacation or something.

After the hour or so it took to get caught up in that area of my life I began working through the 5th chapter of my Structure and Function of the Human Body course. I got through everything I wanted to do. Woo.

I went to a kickboxing class today. That was pretty fun. It wasn’t crazy intense but with being out of the game for so long it was nice to do more of a warm-up routine rather than an “ohgodimdying” routine. I could still walk afterward which was nice because I went to a home improvement store and bought a shelf to go under the window in my kitchen.

I like it. It frees up space on my counter so when I get time this weekend, most likely Sunday, I have a spot to put the Ninja. Can. Not. Wait. /happy dance

Ox came over and helped me put the shelf up. He as spent time with the fur babies. Saber has been super mouthly the last few days. Most of her food doesn’t get eaten. She doesn’t play as much as Dagger either. I’ve been worried about her. I think maybe her teeth aren’t as developed as Daggers and so eating the mix of wet/dry food that I’ve been doing might be harder for her than I realized.

Ox had me try feeding her just wet food and she seemed to do really well with that. I did it again not too long ago and again had really good results so we’ll keep an eye on her.

Once we were able to pull ourselves away from the cuteness, Ox and I got to work crushing our Darebee challenge for the day. Still no team name, but that’s alright. When we were done with our work out, Ox went back home so I could finish making flashcards for chapter 5. When I finally got done with that I packed up my laundry and the chicken I had marinating in the fridge and went to the house to cook dinner.

That turned out well. Ox liked this marinate more than the last one, so that’s another recipe to add to the list of things we can do for variety. He helped me go through chapter 4’s flashcards while I was there. That took most of the evening. I need to go through them on my own so I can hone in the on the ones giving me issues. I also got my laundry started so I can have clean compression socks for work tomorrow.

Instead of cross stitching after dinner, there was sexy time. With how crazy things have been and having the kids both weekends recently there hasn’t been a lot of sexual intimacy. I haven’t been struggling as much with that, maybe because school has me constantly burying my nose in a book. Even still, it was extremely connective to spend time together like that rather than each of us doing our own thing.

I ended up confessing that the 91 I made on my first test really bothers me. Bothers me on a level that I don’t think it should. He said he was proud of me. That even if I didn’t score all that awesome that he would still be proud of me because of the volume of information I’m having to absorb and the amount of effort I’m putting into trying to do well. /warm fuzzy feelings

It makes me feel better about the grade.

Currently, I’m back at the apartment wrapping things up for the day. My lunch is already packed. My protein shake is made. The kittens are fed. My to-do list is made. Once I post this writing I’ll be able to pack up my bookbag, brush my teeth and take my contacts out.

I’m ready for tomorrow. And I’m ready to mark today as done.

Daily Post 174: Small Steps

I’m going to try to make this a quick writing since it’s already almost 11 pm. I don’t have work tomorrow, but I am trying to stay on a decent sleep schedule, so staying up much later wouldn’t be a good idea.

I’ve been doing pretty alright this week. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I’ve only worked Monday so far. Tuesday was school. Today was a day off. Tomorrow will be a day off as well.

So much time off… it’s almost like I’m unemployed. Only halfway joking… After spending so long working so much my brain can’t wrap around this whole “not being at work” thing. I’m completely soaking it all in, though.

I got a 91 on my first exam. Not super awesome, but not shabby either. I’m waiting to hear back as to what questions I missed. I got a fair amount of studying done this morning. That was a good feeling along with doing chores and feeling like my life is starting to get mildly under control again.

Ox and I met in town for lunch. We went to Costco to put gas in both cars. From there we went to Office Max so I could get printer ink and a hole puncher. I’ve been doing better about making to-do lists. I even went as far as to make my own custom to-do list sheets in Google’s Sheets app.

I like them. There’s color. I have my daily, repeating tasks on there so I don’t have to write them by hand over and over and over. It makes a part of my brain happy. Tonight I finished working on the weekly sheets and monthly sheets. Those are most likely going to need a bit more tweeking, but it’s a good start.

After Office Max we headed back to Costco since most of the things we wanted to get were meats or frozen things. Ox got me a Ninja Foodi while we were there. : x

It’s expensive. At least, to me it’s expensive. I totally didn’t need to have it. I was doing just fine cooking meals without it. But holy fuck does it open up so many more things for me to do. I could cook my very own chicken, without having to get a rotisserie. I can try all of those instant pot recipes I keep seeing. I cannot wait for it to be next week so I can meal plan again.

I feel irresponsible and yet adult-ish at the same time. That was money we could have spent on debt. But I have a toy that can help make my life easier. It’s confusing. I like it. I want to use it. I want to make awesome meals for everyone with it. Awesome healthy meals in line with everyone’s goals.

Speaking of… I tried a new recipe tonight. I found it while I was looking for keto recipes during one of my breaks Tuesday. It seemed promising and it was. Super simple and well liked by everyone. I’ll definitely be making it again.

Other than that… I had to get stabbed three different times today. School is requiring that I get boosters for my vaccinations. Lame. The RN was super nice, though. I’m going to go through my papers and find the immunization forms that I have so those can be added into my medical file since none of them are there for some reason. Glad I have those from mom. Maybe they’ll prevent me from having to get more needles jabbed into my arms.

Ox and I have been doing really well with the Darebee exercises. That was one of the things I wanted to try to do as a goal for my 30-day Push thing. The only downside with that… Ox is his own person and if he wasn’t on board with doing this with me, then I’m sort of set up for failure at the get-go. You can’t control anyone other than yourself, so making a goal that depends or is co-dependant on someone else isn’t a smart move.

He and I talked about it and so far, like I said, we’re doing well. I haven’t been making it to the gym like I was hoping I would. I’ve been really productive and I don’t feel bad about how I’ve spent my time. Maybe I need to reevaluate some of the goals so they’re more realistic. I’m happy that the Darebee goal is going well. That’s still taking steps in the forward direction. It’s 10 minutes, roughly, each day that we’re both doing something together. We don’t have a team name yet. Hopefully we come up with something badass. We also have our “theme song”. At least, that’s what it feels like. We’ve used the same song for the past three workouts. It works though. Good pace, good rhythm. You can’t argue good.

I think I’m going to go for now. It’s getting later and later as I sit and type this. General conclusion, it was a good day. Dinner was awesome. I got to cross stitch afterwards. I started watching Black Clover with Ox. I found the good pair of sunglasses that were missing for forever. I have a new kitchen gadget of amazingness.

Yeah… it was a good day.

Musing Moments 138: Getting Back on Track

I’m doing the 30-Day Push Challenge again. Unfortunately, it’s no longer a free program on the internet. I spent hours last night trying to find the website I used to go to. I even went back to previous posts from years ago, looking for the hyperlinks I know I created for the site. None of them worked.

Chalene Johnson published her system into a book called Push, and it seemed that was the only way to get what I was looking for. So… at 11 pm last night I ordered the book from Audible for $20. Maybe not the smartest way to spend the limited money I have at the moment, but it’s what I wanted. I know my life isn’t in the best state right now and I know that I don’t really know where to begin to fix it.

This system has helped provide the structured, systematic approach I seem to do do so well with. Now I permanently have the system to refer back to. No need to worry about websites being taken down or anything along those lines.

I worked through the first few days last night and then continued to work through more of the days this morning. I like where I’m going with it so far. I have a notebook where I’ve been writing most of the work out by hand. It’s nice to see the green ink of my ballpoint pen filling the page with my intentions, motivations, time, energy. I’m creating something as I write even if it’s scribbles on a page that my brain has been taught to give significance to.

I want to go through and list out all of the days that I have completed so far. Since these are important pages in my notebook I want them to be important pages on my blog as well. They’re my accountability. My oath.

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Day 1 – Priorities
I listed out several things I consider a priority. Things that would be painful if they were taken away from me. Things that give me fulfillment or purpose or pride. The Push system had me identify the top three priorities in my life. They are, in order of importance:

• Self
• Tribe
• Life purpose

I listed my self as my top priority because I can not be there for the people I love and care for or fulfill my purpose of helping others if I myself am injured mentally, emotionally, physically, or spiritually. I owe it to myself to take care of myself because no one else can do it as well as I can.

Tribe currently consists of Jason, Jon, and Jerad. They are the people I would give my life for and as such their well being and my involvement in their lives is a priority for me.

Life purpose I have identified as helping others. This is a priority for me because it’s what gives me a sense of fulfillment and brings meaning to my life especially during the times when my grief wells up and makes things feel pointless.

Priority Statement
My number one priority is to my self. Without maintaining balance and structure in my life I cannot be present for my tribe or fully engaged in my life purpose of helping others. I will honor my commitment to self by maintaining awareness of my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health. I will evaluate all decisions on the self-level first rather than second or third. Anything that harms or disrupts my inner peace and commitment to being a balanced, harmonious individual will ultimately affect my ability to help my loved ones and fulfill my life purpose. These actions, situations, or commitments should be avoided or declined rather than allowing them to undermine the things I value most.

Day 2 – Goals
Each week I will write out ten goals I want to accomplish within the next 12 months. The idea of evaluating them so often is to ensure that as life changes my goals stay current and true to what is really important to me. Rewriting them also helps solidify my commitment to achieving them. Each time you write your goals for the week you must do so WITHOUT looking at the goals of the previous week.

This helps keep the process organic and true with your current priorities and interests. Goals will change. Some will drop off. Others, however, the ones you truly want, will stay.

My goals for week 1 are:

• I have paid off both the Mazda AND the Dart.
• I have reduced the credit card balance by $7000.
• I have increased my wage to $17 an hour.
• I have reduced my body fat to 20%
• I have competed in a Muay Thai tournament.
• I am eligible for the full $800 discount on insurance
• I have run a Spartan Race.
• Ox and I do Darebee exercises together every day.
• I am on the Dean’s list at school.
• Ox and I have date day once a week.

Day 3 – Push Goal
A Push goal isn’t necessarily the most important goal. It’s the goal that allows all the other goals to domino into place. Below is the Push goal I chose and why.

Ox and I do Darebee exercises together every day.

By setting this as my Push goal, I am making incremental progress on four other goals; run a Spartan race, compete in a Muay Thai tournament, reach 20% body fat, and metrics within range for maximum discount on insurance.

By having a daily routine for working out, my mental and physical health will increase, allowing me to perform better at work. This will help facilitate three additional goals; earn $17 per hour, pay off the Mazda AND Dart, reduce amount on credit card by $7000.

Better mental and physical health will help facilitate my focus in school, increasing my chances of reaching my final goal of being on the Dean’s list. This Push goal also priorities my relationship with Ox as well as my commitment to my health.

Day 4 – Health Goal
While my Push goal is a health goal, I wanted to pick a better SMART (small, measurable, achievable, rewarding, and time-sensitive) goal to be my actual health goal. Below is the goal I chose and why.

Complete 4 gym workouts each week for four weeks.

In addition to the Darebee workouts with Ox, this will give me roughly five hours per week dedicated to my health. These additional workouts will improve my endurance, agility, and strength along with reducing my stress, improving my appetite, and increasing my metabolism. These workouts will allow me to have “me time” and to focus on my own things while improving my community involvement and social circles. It will also help progress me towards my other, larger health goals.

Day 5 and 6 – Reverse Engineering
I have reverse engineered both my Push goal and Health goal. I have completed a brainstorm for the things I need to do, print, buy, organize, schedule, figure out, etc. Essentially, t’s my to-do list towards success with both goals.

This is where I’ll stop for today. I have school stuff I need to do. Chores to run. Breakfast to eat. I’m glad I’ve been taking the time to figure some of this stuff out. It will make figuring out my calendar for the coming week easier to do.

Daily Post 173: Post Emotions and Kittens

This isn’t a letter to mom. This is me writing so some of those swirling emotions inside me can potentially find a way out. I should have known today would go like this. It’s the first day in a while where I’ve had the chance to slow down and breath and because of that, all the emotions are welling up to the surface. I’m surprised it took until now to get to where I’m at. Silent tears running down my cheeks as I sit in front of the computer thinking about the mountain of everything that’s happened in the past few months.

Like normal, I don’t even know where to start.

I suppose I can start with the cutest thing first. I adopted two farm kittens this past Monday. My boss knew someone who wasn’t able to keep them and needed to find a home for them. So they now have a home with me. They’re sisters and they get to stay together. I don’t care that my lease says I can’t have them. I’ve seen the guy across from me come out to his balcony and his cat follows him out. Two wrongs don’t make a right. I accept whatever consequences there may be, including being evicted. They’re worth it.

They had their first vet appointment this morning. They were given a dewormer since mama cat was an outdoor cat and they spent their first six weeks outside eating who knows what bugs they were playing with. The vet said they sound fine and that there aren’t any signs of health issues so far. From the behavior I described to him he says there’s currently nothing to worry about. They go back in two weeks for their first vaccinations.

Their names are Saber and Dagger. Saber is the greyish one, and Dagger is the brownish tiger one. They’re my snuggle buddies. They both love curling up with me in bed. Saber is more reserved than Dagger. Dagger’s going to be the hellion of the house. I can already see it.

Thursday was my last day for DSS Leadership. I had to do my About Me slide. I know when I do it in the future it will be much different. It will have pictures of the kittens on there. It will have my DSS Leadership group picture on there. It will have a lot of different things there because I’ll be further in my journey.

This time it had a lot about mom in it. I talked about how it wasn’t until her death that I felt like an adult and how sometimes life throws you a curveball that you could never be prepared for. I talked about how I went to therapy because I wasn’t equipped to handle everything in my life on my own.

It was pretty emotional. I told my classmates at the beginning of my presentation that life is a lot like a heartbeat. You have ups and downs and that my story was going to have a really low down but there were positives on the other side of it so I needed them to stay with me through the hard parts.

My FA gave me a hand made give with my personal credo on it. “Show up to battle and fight for what you believe in.” I’m going to hang it on my front door so I see it every time I leave the apartment; my reminder to be the type of person I want to be. I had tears in my eyes as she gave it to me.

She also told me that I was chosen to write an article for the October edition of the Tech Talk news letter. It’s the letter that gets sent to literally every PCT in the company, and FA, and who knows who else. Literally, thousands of people are going to get this email with my article in it. It’s an “About Me” article since I guess someone somewhere feels like I should share my store. It’s humbling and intimidating and I’ve already written my rough draft and I’m emotionally exhausted from everything. Work, DSS, writing, studying for school because that’s going on at the same time…

I feel honored for the opportunity to write about my experience so far. I get to say thank you to everyone in my Orlando clinic. I get to include them in my journy and show how the company really is more of a village, a community, rather than a company. At least it can be if you let it.

School is going well so far. I feel fairly on top of my assignments. I finished the flashcards for chapter three in my Human Structure class. I want to take the test tomorrow, but with how little I’ve studied in comparison to what I wanted to do… I’m not sure.

Being sad and tired is factoring into not studying as effectively as I normally would.

I have the shopping list written out, but the thought of actually going to the store right now is draining. Who knows. Maybe I’ll feel up to doing it later tonight once it’s dark and hardly anyone is out and about.

Jon survived the hurricane. Thankfully it downgraded pretty severally before reaching Florida. He was on call at the hospital which got him a ton of overtime. Glad it was fairly uneventful for him.

The next few weeks at work are going to be pretty chill. I only work three days each week. THREE! And only one of those days is going to be at Cap City. I can totally handle that. I want to try to add structure back into my life. I want to figure out a class at the gym do each day I’m not working. I want to do the Adventure’s League at Hobby Town with Ox.

I want to figure out how to have a life again. I think that starts with building a routine. I think I want to go through and to the 30-day challenge again. I think that could help give me structure and focus and help me identify goals and milestones.

Oh. I did my yearly physical for my insurance. I’m .1 freaking point away from an extra $400 off my yearly premium. ONE TENTH OF A POINT! >.<; OMG

That’s so much better than what it first was three-ish years ago. It’s awesome to see that even though I feel like I haven’t made progress since last October, that I still sort of have. If I can get back on the bandwagon of going to the gym along with continuing to eat healthily I should be ridiculously phenomenal next year.

So… yeah… my numbers aren’t where I was hoping they would be at, but they’re still pretty good. Definitely healthier than where I started.

Ox and I had a small talk the other night. I asked him if he could try not smoking in front of me. I’ve been doing really well with not smoking. Not 100% awesome since I’ve had a few drags here and there. I had a whole one with New RN Friday when we worked together. But compared to the over half a pack I was doing a short two weeks ago… I feel like I’m doing pretty freaking awesome.

It’s hard to not want to smoke with the other girls in my LPN class. God, that sounds so much like a high school thing to say, but there you go. We’re all just kids with more expensive toys.

I want to be part of the group. I want to belong and to be part of “them”. But I don’t want to smoke, so if I go and hang out with them while they’re smoking then I’m going to make things awkward. I’ll also want to smoke and that will sort of ruin the whole retiring thing. And yes, I’m going to refer to it as retiring. It was super cute. One of my DSS classmates told me to say retire instead of quit since quitting normally a bad thing.

I can’t lie, saying that I’ve retired sounds way more dignified. XD

Anywho, I’m sort of struggling on Tuesdays more because I want to have a feeling of belonging rather than because I want a cigarette. When I’m with Ox and we’re outside and his smoking it’s sort of hard, too. When we’re out grocery shopping and he has one before getting in the car… It’s hard to not feel denied. I want one, but I can’t have one, but I have to watch while someone else gets to have the thing I want and they shouldn’t share with me because we both know I really don’t want it but I do…

He said he would do his best to be better about not smoking in front of me. I’m grateful for his effort. I don’t mean to be annoying about it.

Surprisingly I don’t really know what else to type about. I sort of want to go to the store now. I feel like I have a bit of energy. I could get the shelves I want for the apartment and keep plucking away at making this feel like my little dragon den.

I guess we’ll see how the rest of the night plays out.