Evening Reflection 023: A Day of Doing

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Previously, before unemployment, I was working on finding my identity after cheating on Ox. I was doing writing prompts, which were helping. Ox and I were doing well. We still are. Then the writing prompts started getting into Bible verses and such and I didn’t feel as engaged with them. I was looking for other avenues or prompts to use in my task of picking up my broken pieces.

Then the world fell out from beneath me and I was in instant free-fall mode.

Who was I if I didn’t have a job? What worth did I actually have if a company could throw me away so easily? How was I a partner worth having when I would shortly have no income at all to support myself? What is worthiness anyway? And everyone keeps saying I’m “strong”… What is strength when all I feel is broken and weak all the time? When am I going to stop over-functioning and actually have my cry session breakdown?

With all of these other questions now in the front of my mind, the writing prompts didn’t seem nearly as important.

As with the cheating incident, it took me a while to be able to admit to this new reality; my joblessness. It took me a week to write about it on Facebook. Even longer to return to my blog, my safe space, and legitimately own my reality.

I returned my Nelnet equipment yesterday. That hurt. I cried after it was done. It was the final step, the final action which closed that chapter of my life. One which, at least in regards to my job, I liked, enjoyed, and felt supported in.

Yesterday I also signed the paperwork for my new position.

I am officially an Auto Glass Trainee. I will be cross-trained to help with the office side of things as well. I have met with the president of the company a handful of times now. He’s super down to earth. It’s a tiny operation. There are only 5 people at the location I will be at, with one other store on the south side of town. The other location is actually super close to me and it might be I end up there more often after my training. But for now, I have a 15-minute drive to work.

I will start Tuesday since Monday is a holiday.

I woke up this morning somewhat rested. I don’t remember having bad dreams at least. I am current on my Synthroid. I’m still off of Zoloft. I actually sat down and made a to-do list. I have completed most of it. I have a rough outline for the weekend since Ox and I want to do some things.

It’s finally sunny again. For the past three or four days it’s been rainy and cloudy and coldish. And I’m not exaggerating when I say it’s been cloudy ALL of those days. No momentary breaks with sunshine, just dreariness stretched out for the next foreseeable ever.

Today is different though. I woke up to sunlight and the kittens snuggled next to me. I didn’t really have a solid idea of what I wanted to do but I knew I didn’t want to spend it spiraling or running from depression. So I started doing stuff. I showered. I realized I didn’t have towels in the bathroom because I had washed them the other day. I cringed my way through the house, trying not to get too much water everywhere. I realized I never started the dryer so the towels were still wet…

That. That right there feels like an accurate representation of what my life has been for the past two weeks.

What the fuck, right? How did I “forget” to start the dryer? How do I have NO clean, dry towels?…

So… I dried off with a dish towel because that was the only thing I had that would work…

Fuck it. My standards for life aren’t very high right now. At least I’m showered AND dried. Bonus points for creativity. Suck it, Life.

I cleaned the litter box, filled the cats’ water bowel, picked up all their toys, and vacuumed the bedroom and hallway. I started tackling the kitchen after that. Dry dishes got put away, dirty dishes got washed, counters got wiped down, trash taken out, floors vacuumed since I have a Dyson and it’s amazing and can do everything. No need to sweep.

This is where I sat down to make a list. I was doing stuff. Awesome! It was kind of haphazardly jumping from one thing to another with no real organization. Not as awesome. But! That’s something that can be fixed! Wooo! Fixing things.

The lease for the apartment ends on the 1st. I still wanted to get over there to clean the oven. There was some minor shopping that needed to get done. I could also stop at the library and see if the Auto Glass Technician book my new boss, we’ll call him Glass Dad, told me about.

There were things I could do outside of the house. It would be better to have a game plan for them. So I made a game plan.

Oh… and I did start the dryer when I realized the towels weren’t dry. Just wanted to toss that in here so it’s officially spoken.

I started by going to the apartment. I sprayed the inside with oven cleaner. Since it has to sit for at least 6 hours there wasn’t a whole lot I could do past that. The goal is to go tomorrow morning and wipe everything clean after letting it sit overnight.

From there I went to Walmart, which was a crappier experience than I anticipated. I needed a money order for my final payment to the apartment. That took nearly 20 minutes since people were using the associates in that area to check out. Of course, the one that got finished faster couldn’t do money orders so three other people got to go ahead of me while I waited for the other associate to finish with the customer she was with.

Once I got the money order, I went to the guy section to check out pants. I found a pair I really like. I was worried “work” pants would be bulky and heavy and not have a great range of motion. These are actually pretty awesome. Not too heavy, but not super light either. They flex which is nice. AND THEY HAVE POCKETS! Super stoked to try them out over the weekend while Ox and I work in the addition.

Since the task of “buy pants” was mercifully done, I went to the sporting goods section to get a copy made for the rental key. No one was back there. I found another associate and asked if I could get a copy made. They said they would get someone over to help me. I waited. Another customer came up. I explained the previous situation. We both waited. Another customer showed up. Second customer went to find someone. A call for assistance in sporting goods was heard over the speakers. An associate came over to see what we all needed. Each of us explained what we wanted assistance with. He said he would find someone for us since he wasn’t the associate for the area. Finally got an associate behind the counter and got my key copy made.

I was grateful I only needed a few things from grocery after that.

I had not expected to spend more than 30 minutes in Walmart. I was pushing an hour at that point.

Checked out. Got back to the car. Went to the library. They don’t have the book I want. Lame. Came home and regaled Ox about the trials of the Walmart trip he conveniently didn’t have to be a part of.

We were going to game for a bit. I ended up napping after we had lunch. He’s still asleep and so here I am. Writing.

I got confirmation from the apartment that the pre-moveout inspection has been done. There’s a lot of crap going on with that, but I’m not going to get into it for now. There will be more information later. So later is when I’ll write about it so I can do the whole story all at once.

Once I’m done here, at the keyboard, I’m going to take another look at my to-do list and see what else I want to get accomplished. I’ll most likely terrorize Ox and wake him up. At some point, we’ll go to the house so we can be there in the morning to work on the addition.

And that’s mostly it for the moment. I did not sink into a pit of depression but I can still feel its darkness on the edges of my mind. This is a tentative “okness”. Bills are going to suck this coming month. Jon is being a dick about things. The apartment is an unknown expense and I highly doubt the security deposit will cover all of it. Medical insurance isn’t official yet and I don’t know how much of my Synthroid will be covered.

There are a lot of unknowns left to figure out or work through. This “okness” doesn’t feel 100% real. It’s more like because I’m keeping my head down and my attention on immediate things, I feel ok. This teeny-tiny space, the piece of paper with things written on it, is the only thing I have to worry about right now. I’m not going to look up into the distance to see all the monsters waiting for their turn… Nope. Only the paper matters and the paper says I’m doing good…

It’s that sort of “okness”.

That’s what I have in me for today, so that’s what I’m doing. I know the other things are there. I know they will come up in their own time. I can’t do anything about them right now, though. I have to wait and I’m not good at waiting so I’m doing the things I can do instead.

I’m employed again. I have that going for me. I haven’t had a mantra or anything in my head, but maybe that’s one I can try. “I have a job and I’m doing things. I have a job and I’m doing things. I have a job and I’m doing things.”

Evening Reflection 022: Some Ducking Bullshit

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It’s been… rough.

That’s the socially acceptable answer I’ve been telling people when they ask how I’m doing.

“This is some bullshit,” is what I actively think while being socially acceptable.

And not just bullshit… no. Like grade A, first-class level buuuuullllllllshit.

I got laid off from my job. That happened on May 10th. That was after receiving an email Friday, May 6th saying that I was approved to be promoted to Advisor II.

Talk about a kick to the balls. I had exceeded expectations every month on my scorecard according to the metrics used. I was in the mentorship program. I had outstanding customer service reviews from the borrowers I helped. I had been promoted to Team Caption for my group. I was actively working on transitioning to Global Training to start utilizing all of the teaching/training skills I have…

But… with the covid forbearance, Nelnet can’t justify the workforce it hired up. I and 27 other people logged in to work on the 10th to a meeting scheduled for 3pm to “Discuss Opportunities”.

It wasn’t a discussion, though. Nope. Just a bunch of confused and relatively optimistic teammates being told effective immediately all 27 of us, including my brother and the mentor who taught me during my own training period, were all fired. No warning… Just… dropped. All of us…

Our dedication. Our care. Our exceeding expectations. Our recent promotions… None of it mattered.

In Nelnet’s defense, they did have another company come in and speak to us about a position we could apply for. It would be cold calling people to try to sell their software… you know… totally the same thing as taking inbound calls for borrowers who wanted help managing their student loans… Oh, and since we would be “such a good fit” for this other company we would have “higher priority” if we applied to join their team.

Not even a gareentee for employment; which, I found out, the other company highered literally NO ONE from this meeting.

I logged out of the meeting and cried as Ox held me.

“I don’t understand,” was the only thing I could say. I said it over and over again as the realization that I was now unemployed refused to make sense inside my head.

I had done everything right. I had played the corporate game and played it well.

But none of that mattered. I didn’t have a backup plan because I had felt safe in that I didn’t need to worry about employment. I was a great employee and teammate. I didn’t have any corrective action on my record. I was involved with the company. I was engaged and active in all the extra stuff…

Didn’t matter.

Once I was done with my “I don’t understand” phase, I shut down hardcore, entered into over-function mode, and packed up my equipment. It was pointless to leave the computers and such setup. I wasn’t going to be able to log into anything anymore. I was going to have to return everything at some point. Might as well pack it up now.

I went from “I don’t understand” to “get shit done” in less than 20 minutes. I threw out all of the notes I had taken during training and from the online courses I had been taking. I disassembled the binder I had been creating to store all of my mentorship papers and scorecards. Fuck it. What’s the point in keeping this crap? I no longer have a job.

I spent all of that night on Indeed applying to literally anything I felt halfway qualified for. Fuck it. If guys can apply to things they don’t have all of the qualifications for, then so can I. And actually… that’s not 100% true. I had all of the required shit and most of the “preferred” shit.

Not required? Cool. Applied.

That’s pretty much how the next week and a half went. Applying and arranging interviews, having interviews, crying while I was alone and working through the feelings of failure from losing my job, and spending my nights sleepless as I applied to more and more things as a way to avoid the potential nightmares I knew where waiting behind my eyelids.

I’ve had to work through feelings of shame, unworthiness, and failure. I’ve had to reexamine my definition of “successfully adulting”. I have had to grapple with the reality that just because I interview well and feel like I have rapport with my interviewers, doesn’t mean I’m entitled to a callback, not even to let me know I didn’t get the position.

All of this has sucked.

While going through all of the job searching BS, my brother landed a job almost making 26 an hour.

I congratulated him when I found out. I am super happy for him. I also asked if that meant he would be able to pay the $300 like we had agreed to when I took over the lease for the house. He said that if I landed a job and no longer needed his financial support, then no, he wasn’t going to pay it.

He was hurt that I would even bring it up.

He’s making $10 more an hour than he was at Nelnet, and he’s going to not pay me like he agreed.

I’m hurt. I’m angry. And at this point, I don’t give a fuck what he does as long as he keeps his shit to himself and leaves me alone. I’m tired of him crying and saying how he “feels unloved”. I’m tired of trying to hug a catus and being worse off for it. He can figure his own shit out, just like I am having to figure mine out; without his help or support because how dare I think he would keep his word to me.

Anywho, I have accepted a job.

It’s not the one society is going to think I should accept. It’s not as a receptionist, which I’m more than qualified to do, and interviewed for, multiple times with offers. It’s nothing medical. It’s not something with the University of Nebraska, which I also interviewed with…

Nope. I accepted a position as an Auto Glass Technician and I, again, don’t give a fuck. The owner was super down to earth with me.

Him: We don’t get a lot of women applying for this job.

Me: I’m sure you don’t.

I want out of corporate. I want away from business casual bullshit and kissing ass and being punished for not doing it. I want out of the game because I’m tired of playing it and having it rigged for me to fail.

Fuck it. I’m going to go learn a trade, go to work, do my job, then go home and spend time with the cats and Ox.

Society: But it’s a step backward. You can do so much more. You’re better than that…

Fuck off and let me live my fucked up life, alright? Just… fuck off, with your judgements and standards and expectations. Live your own fucking perfect life and let me live my own battered and bruised one that’s nothing like what it was supposed to be when I was told to “envision my life” while I was still in fucking high school.

I’m angry. Still. I’m hurt, still. I don’t feel secure in “having a job” because I had one and then out of nowhere, BAM! No income, no preparation for joblessness, btw enjoy paying your rent lowly serf.

Yeah… must be nice being in higher management, not living paycheck to paycheck while the people doing good work get fucked.

Funny part to this whole story… Nelnet actually called me back Monday apologizing and asking me to come back…

Socially Acceptable Me: I have already accepted another position.

Rage-Filled me: No. Fuck you very much.

And if you’ve never heard Fuck You by Lilly Allen, here you go. You’re welcome.

Back to Nelnet asking me to come back… What? I’m going to come back so I can have a panic attack every day for eight hours wondering if THIS is the day I get laid off again?

Fuck that. I don’t buy into your core values anymore. I don’t buy into you “caring” about your employees. I was dropped so fucking fast I didn’t even know how to process it. I’m not going to come back. I CAN’T come back. I don’t trust you. To the point where I don’t know if I’ll be able to trust ANY employer again. At least I know I won’t for a really, really long time.

You TOTALLY fucked up my sense of self-worth.

Why, WHY would anyone go back after how you handled the situation? How could you have had the audacity to call me and think that saying sorry was going to be enough to fix all of the damage and fall out and uncertainty I was left alone to deal with over the past two weeks?

Go fuck yourself.

So yeah… I’m tentatively employed. I’m waiting to sign the papers to make it official. I’m terrified because he was supposed to call today, it’s 4pm and I haven’t heard anything. I fucking hate all of this. I’ve turned down other positions that pay more because he said I was highered and we would get the paperwork squared away.

I want to believe him. I truly do. We talked for an hour and a half in person. That’s not counting the time on the phone we were discussing things. I’ve lifted a windshield with them. I truly do think he is a man of his word who’s busy.

It’s so fucking hard to breath through the fear of being wrong, again. Of having said no to other things, to have fucked up other opportunities because I trusted.

Trust…

You know… this is where trust issues come from. From believing things, people, words, and then finding out you’re wrong and that wrongness fucking with your ability to survive.

“Trust issues” is really “self-preservation”. It depends on what side of the situation you’re on.

I don’t want to trust the Universe right now. But I really don’t have a choice. I’m in this story. I’m in this reality. The only thing I can do is keep breathing and course-correcting as I get new information.

I want to know where I’m going. I want to know where I belong. I want to know HOW everything will be ok. Not just blind faithing the crap out of “Everything WILL be ok.”

No mother-fucker. I want to know HOW. You owe me that much, Universe. And I know you don’t and I know you’re not going to give me answers because that’s not how any of this works. But you’re once again a mother-fucking son of a whore for this shit. I deserve to know HOW you intend for me to be ok. You want me to trust you with all your mystical bullshit of everything working out how it’s supposed to… How does being unemployed fucking help me? How does fucking with my sense of security HELP ME?!

I again, don’t have answers to anything. I’m just holding on, clinging, to something called “faith” and hoping that I don’t drown in the process. Holding my shit together is now a full-time, unpaid job. Fucking thanks for that. I’m my own charity case.

I hate it. I fucking hate it. Once I’m on the other side of this hard, I’ll appreciate the process and see how it helped me grow and all the lessons I learned and all that personal inner growth bullshit.

But right now, in this moment, I fucking hate the process. To my core, in my bones, fucking haaaaate it.

Evening Reflection 021: Work Work

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Daily Summary: 
Yesterday feels like it was a waste. I did dishes before work. I didn’t go to the gym. I woke up tired. Didn’t help that I didn’t sleep well and it was cold and rainy and miserable. 

Super didn’t help that I was still feeling the financial pressure of my situation. 

I stayed at the rental not doing a whole lot. 

Logged into work. Didn’t to a whole lot there until later in the day. I have a lot of “On Demand” courses saved in their online training platform. Started working through a few of those. 

Ox came over after work. He gamed for a bit before taking a nap. Had his DnD session here which was mildly frustrating. 

I was still trying to do some of my coursework. I could hear him chatting with the group. It was hard to focus on what I was trying to do. 

Work ended. I tried going to sleep. I couldn’t. I got up and started looking at Indeed for part-time jobs I might be able to do on the side to bring in extra money.

Ox and I talked this morning. He’s not ok with the things I mentioned. They would cut into our already limited time. He’s offered to help financially. The thought makes me want to cry. I want to be in a spot in life where I can afford my life. I wish I hadn’t over-extended myself on the promise of someone else holding up their end of the agreement. 

If I do accept Ox’s help, each time he helps the amount will get added to his Excel sheet for what I owe him back. I dislike this. I dislike all of it and I know it’s at least one of the factors feeding into my not ok-ness right now. 

I have counseling tomorrow. I really don’t feel like talking about anything. 

I’m in a mood and I haven’t figured out how to get out of it yet. 


Random Ramblings: Prompt 9-31
Think about the third biggest role that you play in your life for others. What’s your vision (in detail) for your life in this area? Why?

This is the one role where I feel ok. Like, legit ok and not an “I guess I accept where I’m at in life” type of ok.

I am a worker. A teammate. I excel at work because work is easy. You do what you’re told when you are told to do it and somehow that makes you an amazing employee. It’s sort of sad that doing the bare minimum at your job makes you stand out, let alone going above and beyond. 

My vision for work is to move up the ranks of advisor and then become a trainer. From there I would move into the Training and Development team where I could coach and mentor others. 

That is my goal. It’s not just a vision. It’s what I’m actively working on. That’s what leadership is helping me move towards. 

I was accepted as Team Captain last Friday. 

I want to help others overcome their fears and self-doubt to be amazingly awesome people. It’s what I loved about teaching so much. It’s what I loved about patient education. I love helping people be better, more whole. Maybe that’s my restoration strength shining through. 

By being higher than an entry-level 1 advisor, ideally, I would be making enough to pay off my debt and actually save money for an emergency fund and retirement (lawl, what’s that?). 

Moving up through the ranks and shifting my area of focus to an area more in line with my natural interests feels nice. I don’t want to be a supervisor or a team lead or any sort of management position. I don’t want to be in charge of people. I want to help people. 

That’s where I’ll end up. It’s just a matter of time and effort. For me it’s not a vision; it will be my reality.

I wish the rest of my roles felt this confident and secure. I wish work wasn’t the only thing I felt like I was good at. 

Evening Reflection 020: Isolating vs Connecting

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Daily Summary: 

Last night wasn’t awesome. I read my writing to Ox. I was already emotionally raw before I did. I was feeling vulnerable for sharing my “ideal” which I knew didn’t 100% line up with his or Bunny’s “ideal”. 

I felt shame and guilt over wanting something different. I felt trapped in a future that would have constant interaction with people and no solitude and a disastrous kitchen and all these horrific things that as an introvert I didn’t want. 

I don’t cohabitate with others well. I know I don’t. I’ve had almost 15 years’ worth of roommates to attest to not liking shared living environments and the fallout that goes along with it ending badly. 

Looking back at last night, I wanted reassurance that I wasn’t an awful person for wanting things that were different from other people. I wanted to know that the terrible extroverted future I was seeing for myself was fear and inaccurate. 

Instead, I got, “We don’t know what the future will be like.”

That’s fair. It’s an accurate statement. It left me feeling alienated with a nebulous, “The awfulness you’re picturing could happen,” bouncing around inside my head.

I couldn’t sleep for a really long time. I had a cry session while Ox slept next to me. I ended up sleeping on the couch for most of the night. When Ox woke up to use the restroom he woke me up to give me a hug.

“You’re allowed to come back to the room.”

I don’t know why those words were the words I didn’t know I needed to hear, but it felt like even though I was up in my feels that I had permission to be next to him. Even if my wants were different, things were still ok. 

After that midnight wake up, things were better. I slept deeply after curling up in bed with Ox and the kittens. I didn’t dream about dead bodies and ruined lives. 

Ox and I slept in a little this morning. We were tired from cleaning and working in the addition the day before. We waited until after breakfast to get back to work. We finished putting up the joists in what will become the living area upstairs. We’re saving the insulation work for next weekend when the kids are here. There’s some work that will require the electric stapler which is something the kids might get a kick out of using. They both want to help and to be part of the project. Finding things that are within their ability at the moment is tricky, but this is one of the things they could help with, so we thought it better to call it good for now and wait on the rest of it. 

Ox and I showered after we were doing working. We packed up our things and the kittens and headed back to the rental. I convinced him to swing by a few Pokestops so I could complete one of my tasks in Pokemon Go. Totally not obsessing over the game… >.>;

I paid bills once I got the kittens situated and some other chores done. That sucked. With my brother’s contribution still up in the air, I feel the stress of financial insecurity pressing in around me.

I ended up talking with my dad for a while. The topic came up and I explained how moving with Jon went, about his previous lapse in paying rent, and now the current stress of him backing out of the agreement we had which would leave me screwed.

I’m already looking into things as back. I told my dad I feel like this is the lesson I’m supposed to learn in life; to keep boundaries around finances because no matter who it is, family, partner, friend, they’re going to screw you over. 

It sucks. So much of my life has been trying to figure out life after helping people financially only to be worse off for helping. It’s frustrating to be in this situation because I thought it would be different since Jon is my brother. But here I am, trying to deal with/cope with financial uncertainty because I wanted to help him get a house. 

And yet… he feels unloved and unsupported. 

I was supposed to see him today. He has my ladder which I need to finish painting the detail work in the bathroom. I let him borrow it so he would do work around the house only to be told that it wasn’t tall enough. So I’ve gone without my ladder for over a week now because gas is expensive and it’s too much to bring it back. 

That’s fair. I made plans to go out to his place today. I could load up the last bits of their stuff still lingering around the rental since they still haven’t come to get it. I could get my ladder in the process and knock out social time, too. All of the productiveness in one trip. 

When I messaged him, he didn’t reply. When I tried calling, he didn’t answer. 

I’m not driving out of my way without communication. I don’t want to go there for them to not be home because their out shopping for stuff for the garden or something. I don’t have money to waste on gas either, especially when I’m most likely not going to have the support I was depending on when I signed the lease for this house. 

So instead I talked to my dad. It was a good phone call. I think he wasn’t getting the full picture, which isn’t surprising because that’s human nature. We tell the details that are “relevant”. Tell my dad my side of the story changes the situation he was being told. He’s not going to say anything to my brother which I appreciate. I don’t need more drama in that area of my life. I would rather just let Jon do his thing, since that’s what he’s going to do anyway, and figure it out. 

It was a little bit after I got off the phone with my dad that Jon called me. Ox and I were about to run to the store. Jon said he wasn’t going to be going to the birthday party he was originally going to go to. It’s why I had wanted to go to his place earlier in the day. I knew he had plans and was trying to be respectful about them.

That was around 2 in the afternoon. At 5 pm, I really don’t want to drive 30 minutes to hang out with someone I don’t want to see, to drive 30 minutes back to fall into bed so I can get attempt to get a decent amount of sleep before my kickboxing class. 

So I told Jon it wouldn’t work out for me to come this weekend. Could we see about next weekend? 

“I’m too tired to care atm. Enjoy the rest of your evening.”

Sort of a shitty text to get. I’m not going to waste emotional energy on it. I’m tired of feeling like it’s his world and I’m just a minion in it, obligated to be at his beck and call. 

Fuck that. I will enjoy the rest of my evening. I’ll do my writing. I’ll have dinner with Ox. I’ll spend time with the kittens. I’ll game for a bit and rest before having an awesome class tomorrow. I’ll be mentally ready for work. I’ll get the rest of my chores done. I’ll do all of these things because I didn’t go out of my way to make your life easier like I’ve been doing for so long. 

Instead, I’m going to make my life easier. For once, deal with your own shit and keep your petty comments to yourself. I’m tired of trying to hug a cactus. 

So that’s where I’m at. Intentionally not hugging a cactus and instead, I’m taking a break from gaming to write. It’s a nice evening and I’m not going to let someone else’s real or imagined emotional “not-okness” mess with mine. 

Why does family have to suck sometimes? >.<;


Random Ramblings: Prompt 8-31

Think about the second biggest role that you play in your life for others. What’s your vision (in detail) for your life in this area? Why?

The irony of this being the next prompt is not lost on me. 

My second biggest role is family member… and on look… one of my family member dynamics is on fire. Fml…

I feel like family is supposed to be the people you turn to when you need help. Not exactly financial help, though mom did that for all of us at one point or another. 

Family is supposed to be there to help you when you fall. Maybe it’s a shitty relationship ending, or work going to shit. Maybe it’s just needing to bitch about something to get it off your chest.

I don’t know. I think about the type of support mom was for me and I feel that’s the type of support family should be for each other. You stay connected. You talk. You visit. You laugh and cry and worry and figure things out. You have connective lunches or cups of morning coffee together. 

I want to be that for my family and I am extremely aware that I am not.

I am out of touch with my cousin. Until today I hadn’t talked to my dad in a while. I hardly ever talk to my older brother and sister-in-law. I am not a figure in my nephew’s life. I wish I wasn’t a figure in my younger brother’s life. I haven’t talked to either of my uncles since my mom’s death…

How can I say I’m a family member at all?

All of my effort has been going to my younger brother, to be told he feels unloved and unsupported while he keeps going back on his word…

In my ideal “family fantasy”, I talk to my dad, cousin, and older brother more. I’m most likely a terrible person, but there are very few people I want to talk to in my family past that. I was never close to my uncles, I wasn’t very close to my dad’s family either. 

I want to focus on those three dynamics more and less on my brother. I want those people to know I care for them; that I truly love them. 

I want to visit my older brother. I want to hang out with my cousin like we did growing up. I want them to know I’m still here. 

Maybe this is all screwed up in my head right now because of the discord between me and Jon. 

I want to feel like I still have family even though mom is dead. I want to know I matter to them even if I don’t sacrifice my financial well-being to prove I love them. 

Maybe that’s what I need in this area. To reconnect with people who aren’t as toxic as my younger brother. 

Maybe I messed this section up. Maybe family member isn’t my second biggest role. If it isn’t, I don’t know what would be. I don’t know what else I am other than partner, family member, and worker. 

In my fantasy land, I am connected with my family because they love me for me, and I love them for them. It’s not from a sense of obligation or requirement. 

Much like my previous writing, I don’t know what I want from this one. I don’t know what I’ve found other than unease, vulnerability, and hurt; not just from my inaction within these dynamics but from the actions of my brother. 

These writings are supposed to help me find myself. Right now they are showing me my pain and that sucks. You can’t heal, grow past, or change something until you acknowledge what is actually going on. 

I’ve been isolating myself from the people I should connect with and connecting with the people I should be distancing myself from. 

That sucks. 

I’ll add it to the list of things to work on. 

Evening Reflections 019: Fantasy Land

Standard

Written yesterday.
Posted today.


Daily Summary: 

I made it to the gym again yesterday. I’m happy to report that I wasn’t as sore when I work up this morning. After my first class, I spent some time stretching but didn’t do a lot for my quads. For three days after my quads reminded me of how I neglected them by being ridiculously sore. After class yesterday, I spent time stretching again but made sure to spend some time on my quads specifically. I think that is the biggest factor to being mostly alright today.

Since it was a dreary overcast day, I didn’t have a lot of faith in my motivation to get to the gym. Luckily, I had the discipline and inner guilt to get me at least out to my car. Everything after that was easy. I enjoyed the class and feel I did better than my first one. Hopefully, it’s all progress from here. 

Ox came over after work and we spent the day at the rental. A handful of my teammates and I installed Pokemon Go on our phones so we traded information and such. Other than that, it was a quiet day at work. I listened more to Rising Strong by Brene Brown. I did chores during my breaks. Since I was washing the bedding, we had to hang around a little bit after I clocked out of work so I could switch the final comforter to the dryer. Once that task was completed we packed up the kittens and came to the house.

We had discussed plans for the weekend. The goal was/is to spend the weekend here at the house working on the addition. Sunday night we’ll head back to the rental.

I slept deeply last night. I mildly remember having a dream. I remember there were dead bodies in it. I don’t remember the context. I do know I woke up feeling not ok. Grouchy. Irritable. Emotionally raw…

It was a rough start, but Ox and I got through it. We went to Goodwill to get myself some “work pants”. All I have are shorts or thin yoga pants and he didn’t want me doing construction-type work in “improper” clothing. 

I get it… also not going to drop a bunch of money on pants I’m to trash. I found a pair of decent pants for $7 and called it good. We spend most of the morning organizing and cleaning up the second floor. It’s been a while since we’ve worked on the addition and various other projects have been completed in the space. 

We got the area back to a workable condition and even made progress on the rafters for the ductwork. We’re calling it a day for now with the agreement that we finish the rafters tomorrow. That’s our goal for the weekend. Since we won’t have to make impromptu trips into town for clothing tomorrow, we should be able to get it completed. 

I’m looking forward to it. It feels good to be working on something. Even better to be seeing progress for the effort. 

The cats are doing well. They settled in quicker than they did last weekend. 

I did have a message from my brother last night. That was frustrating since it regarded finances. I’m trying not to let him bother me. There are tentative plans for me to see him tomorrow. As petty as it might be, I wouldn’t be heartbroken not to see him for a while. I’m tired of hearing how he’s bought tons of new things for this garden only for him to turn around and say he can’t afford to pay me the amount he agreed to for taking over the lease for him and his partner. 

I’m tired of him telling me how he feels unloved and unsupported while he continually fucks with my financial stability. 

So yeah, I have some feelings to work through and I would rather do it in solitude rather than trying to make him feel better about making shitting choices because I’m not a priority in his life. At the very least, the agreements he has made with me are not a priority. I’m angry over it. Anger is hurt directed outward. I am again having to figure out how to make up for the financial shortcomings of someone else because they felt like other things were more important than keeping their word to me. 

Since I am in the process of living after having cheated on Ox, I guess I really don’t have a right to be angry about someone not keeping their word. Maybe this makes me a hypocrite on top of a cheater. 

Maybe that’s me being self-deprecating. Either way, all of this is food for thought. I’m frustrated with my brother and I’ll work through it.


Random Ramblings: Prompt 7-31
Think about the biggest role that you play in your life for others. What’s your vision (in detail) for your life in this area? Why?

My number one role was that of partner/companion. I don’t have a vision. At least I don’t think I do. All of that shattered in the aftermath of my honesty. I haven’t figured out a new future or what I would want from it. Maybe that’s why I feel so insecure in this particular area of my life. 

But what the heck… I have time to type… let’s pretend for a little bit that in the future my life isn’t on fire, that I am not having to navigate through broken trust, and that I have a secure feeling of self-worth. 

What would I want in a future like that for/with my partners and companions? What would it look like if I were able to be fully myself without taking into account the wants and needs of others? 

My fantasy future dynamics. How would those look?

I would most likely still live alone, or at the very least have my own space. I like the security of separation. I like knowing there is a space, a place, where I can be alone, that can’t be taken away from me, endangered, or violated by others. 

Maybe an in-law suite off the main house… Something. Something away. Something separate. A “dragon den” instead of a man cave or she-shed. 

I would like to be with Ox as a life partner. I would like Bunny to be there, too. In the future I see, they are closer together. It’s not that there is a primary and secondary position. It’s that I want and need more solitude. I want to be alone, in my own space. 

In my future Bunny and Ox would be living together, so naturally, they would gravitate closer to each other. 

I don’t feel threatened by that. I feel like that would allow both of them to feel fulfilled in ways that I don’t think I can provide. I can’t and don’t want to always be there. They both need or at least make it seem like they want consistency in their companionship. If they had each other to turn to maybe it would be ok for me to be introverted the way I want. 

In Fantasy Future Land, I would be allowed to be polyamorous. If I went to visit Warren or Sir or Blacksmith. If I happened to cross paths with someone in my future and it felt right… I would be able to express and experience that connection fully without anyone feeling hurt. People would understand that having an experience with someone else in no way lessens or threatens the connection I have with them. 

There wouldn’t be shame or guilt associated with feeling or expressing love for the people I truly do love. I would be allowed to be whole in my sexuality. 

I would feel whole, accepted, and strong. I would feel secure in that I could be myself and still be loved. I would feel like I truly belonged with the people in my life because that love wouldn’t be centered around conditions placed out of fear and insecurity. 

A future like that feels warm, quiet, and peaceful. There’s no drama or strife or unworthiness in that future. There is understanding and acceptance. There’s space rather than confines and too-small spaces. 

In that future, I have acceptance, and maybe that’s what I want more than love. Maybe acceptance is love. Maybe belonging is love. 

I don’t know if that explains the “why” part of the prompt. I think it does. I want these things because I want to be myself and for that to be ok. I want to be myself and to be accepted. That’s my fantasy future. 

It feels out of reach. It feels unrealistic. It feels dumb and selfish. And all of that makes me want to cry. I’ll never be able to be myself is what it feels like. 

I’ll always fall short because I want too much space; too much alone time. I’ll always cause hurt to the people I am in relationships with because I will love others regardless of being in a monogamous relationship or not. I can forgo expressing that love physically, and I have, for years, in multiple relationships. But I’m always left feeling like if I were honest and true to myself then I would be unworthy. The flip side is if I am true to myself then I make the people I care about most feel unworthy and hurt. 

It’s a fucking disaster and my restorative strength isn’t enough to figure it out. At least not yet. 

That’s the rose-tinted glasses of a future I would want though. I would want to be me and for that to be ok.