Previously, before unemployment, I was working on finding my identity after cheating on Ox. I was doing writing prompts, which were helping. Ox and I were doing well. We still are. Then the writing prompts started getting into Bible verses and such and I didn’t feel as engaged with them. I was looking for other avenues or prompts to use in my task of picking up my broken pieces.
Then the world fell out from beneath me and I was in instant free-fall mode.
Who was I if I didn’t have a job? What worth did I actually have if a company could throw me away so easily? How was I a partner worth having when I would shortly have no income at all to support myself? What is worthiness anyway? And everyone keeps saying I’m “strong”… What is strength when all I feel is broken and weak all the time? When am I going to stop over-functioning and actually have my cry session breakdown?
With all of these other questions now in the front of my mind, the writing prompts didn’t seem nearly as important.
As with the cheating incident, it took me a while to be able to admit to this new reality; my joblessness. It took me a week to write about it on Facebook. Even longer to return to my blog, my safe space, and legitimately own my reality.
I returned my Nelnet equipment yesterday. That hurt. I cried after it was done. It was the final step, the final action which closed that chapter of my life. One which, at least in regards to my job, I liked, enjoyed, and felt supported in.
Yesterday I also signed the paperwork for my new position.
I am officially an Auto Glass Trainee. I will be cross-trained to help with the office side of things as well. I have met with the president of the company a handful of times now. He’s super down to earth. It’s a tiny operation. There are only 5 people at the location I will be at, with one other store on the south side of town. The other location is actually super close to me and it might be I end up there more often after my training. But for now, I have a 15-minute drive to work.
I will start Tuesday since Monday is a holiday.
I woke up this morning somewhat rested. I don’t remember having bad dreams at least. I am current on my Synthroid. I’m still off of Zoloft. I actually sat down and made a to-do list. I have completed most of it. I have a rough outline for the weekend since Ox and I want to do some things.
It’s finally sunny again. For the past three or four days it’s been rainy and cloudy and coldish. And I’m not exaggerating when I say it’s been cloudy ALL of those days. No momentary breaks with sunshine, just dreariness stretched out for the next foreseeable ever.
Today is different though. I woke up to sunlight and the kittens snuggled next to me. I didn’t really have a solid idea of what I wanted to do but I knew I didn’t want to spend it spiraling or running from depression. So I started doing stuff. I showered. I realized I didn’t have towels in the bathroom because I had washed them the other day. I cringed my way through the house, trying not to get too much water everywhere. I realized I never started the dryer so the towels were still wet…
That. That right there feels like an accurate representation of what my life has been for the past two weeks.
What the fuck, right? How did I “forget” to start the dryer? How do I have NO clean, dry towels?…
So… I dried off with a dish towel because that was the only thing I had that would work…
Fuck it. My standards for life aren’t very high right now. At least I’m showered AND dried. Bonus points for creativity. Suck it, Life.
I cleaned the litter box, filled the cats’ water bowel, picked up all their toys, and vacuumed the bedroom and hallway. I started tackling the kitchen after that. Dry dishes got put away, dirty dishes got washed, counters got wiped down, trash taken out, floors vacuumed since I have a Dyson and it’s amazing and can do everything. No need to sweep.
This is where I sat down to make a list. I was doing stuff. Awesome! It was kind of haphazardly jumping from one thing to another with no real organization. Not as awesome. But! That’s something that can be fixed! Wooo! Fixing things.
The lease for the apartment ends on the 1st. I still wanted to get over there to clean the oven. There was some minor shopping that needed to get done. I could also stop at the library and see if the Auto Glass Technician book my new boss, we’ll call him Glass Dad, told me about.
There were things I could do outside of the house. It would be better to have a game plan for them. So I made a game plan.
Oh… and I did start the dryer when I realized the towels weren’t dry. Just wanted to toss that in here so it’s officially spoken.
I started by going to the apartment. I sprayed the inside with oven cleaner. Since it has to sit for at least 6 hours there wasn’t a whole lot I could do past that. The goal is to go tomorrow morning and wipe everything clean after letting it sit overnight.
From there I went to Walmart, which was a crappier experience than I anticipated. I needed a money order for my final payment to the apartment. That took nearly 20 minutes since people were using the associates in that area to check out. Of course, the one that got finished faster couldn’t do money orders so three other people got to go ahead of me while I waited for the other associate to finish with the customer she was with.
Once I got the money order, I went to the guy section to check out pants. I found a pair I really like. I was worried “work” pants would be bulky and heavy and not have a great range of motion. These are actually pretty awesome. Not too heavy, but not super light either. They flex which is nice. AND THEY HAVE POCKETS! Super stoked to try them out over the weekend while Ox and I work in the addition.
Since the task of “buy pants” was mercifully done, I went to the sporting goods section to get a copy made for the rental key. No one was back there. I found another associate and asked if I could get a copy made. They said they would get someone over to help me. I waited. Another customer came up. I explained the previous situation. We both waited. Another customer showed up. Second customer went to find someone. A call for assistance in sporting goods was heard over the speakers. An associate came over to see what we all needed. Each of us explained what we wanted assistance with. He said he would find someone for us since he wasn’t the associate for the area. Finally got an associate behind the counter and got my key copy made.
I was grateful I only needed a few things from grocery after that.
I had not expected to spend more than 30 minutes in Walmart. I was pushing an hour at that point.
Checked out. Got back to the car. Went to the library. They don’t have the book I want. Lame. Came home and regaled Ox about the trials of the Walmart trip he conveniently didn’t have to be a part of.
We were going to game for a bit. I ended up napping after we had lunch. He’s still asleep and so here I am. Writing.
I got confirmation from the apartment that the pre-moveout inspection has been done. There’s a lot of crap going on with that, but I’m not going to get into it for now. There will be more information later. So later is when I’ll write about it so I can do the whole story all at once.
Once I’m done here, at the keyboard, I’m going to take another look at my to-do list and see what else I want to get accomplished. I’ll most likely terrorize Ox and wake him up. At some point, we’ll go to the house so we can be there in the morning to work on the addition.
And that’s mostly it for the moment. I did not sink into a pit of depression but I can still feel its darkness on the edges of my mind. This is a tentative “okness”. Bills are going to suck this coming month. Jon is being a dick about things. The apartment is an unknown expense and I highly doubt the security deposit will cover all of it. Medical insurance isn’t official yet and I don’t know how much of my Synthroid will be covered.
There are a lot of unknowns left to figure out or work through. This “okness” doesn’t feel 100% real. It’s more like because I’m keeping my head down and my attention on immediate things, I feel ok. This teeny-tiny space, the piece of paper with things written on it, is the only thing I have to worry about right now. I’m not going to look up into the distance to see all the monsters waiting for their turn… Nope. Only the paper matters and the paper says I’m doing good…
It’s that sort of “okness”.
That’s what I have in me for today, so that’s what I’m doing. I know the other things are there. I know they will come up in their own time. I can’t do anything about them right now, though. I have to wait and I’m not good at waiting so I’m doing the things I can do instead.
I’m employed again. I have that going for me. I haven’t had a mantra or anything in my head, but maybe that’s one I can try. “I have a job and I’m doing things. I have a job and I’m doing things. I have a job and I’m doing things.”