Daily Post 110: Conflicting Morals

I was trying to sleep, but it’s proving pretty futile. I’m at the hospital with mom again. She was pretty awake when I got here so we had some awesome conversation. I guess before I get into that I should talk about the other things that happened during the day because that factors into it.

 

So I got the green light from mom the other night about moving to Vegas. That meant I needed to start figuring out my employment situation. I had already talked to Zane about the possibility of me moving. It wasn’t official yet, but we had toed the subject. We agreed that until there was more information we would leave it alone.

 

Well… I had more information so I could at least move forward in one area. I sent a message to Clavan going into more detail about mom. He’s part of the Facebook message but I don’t put a whole lot of details in it. I keep it pretty much the same I do on here. Just enough information to get the idea that mom is doing better.

 

I asked what I needed to do as far as an exit interview and such, and returning the laptop since it was issued by the school. It’s going to suck losing it. At the end of the message I said alternatively I could work remotely from Vegas and take over the online classes. It would essentially be doing what I’m doing now, just at home in my PJs rather than sweaty and gross from biking to lab.

 

It would let me keep my pay rate. I could keep working on my Graphics Degree because I would still be employed by the school, and I would be able to do all of the updates to the documentation and such because I would actually have time to do it. I wouldn’t be burnt out all the time from constant interaction. I would be able to keep up with all of my financial obligations…

 

In my head I can’t think of a more perfect scenario.

 

At the end of the message I said that I needed to take a moment to be sappy and girly and to let him know that he has seriously been the best boss I have ever had, because it’s true and I need him to know that no matter what happens.

 

I haven’t heard back from him, and I don’t expect to for a few days. He’s most likely investigating what we’re able to do before letting me know yay or nay. I can’t help but hold my breath over this. I want it to work out in my favor so incredibly much. If anyone in my department deserves to have this chance I feel it’s me. I feel I would do incredibly well with this change and that it would actually benefit our department in the long run.

 

So that happened.

 

I talked to Mother Earth for a bit. I slept a little, too. It was hard to stay asleep though. I ended up waking up, showering, and talking to my mom’s neighbors again. The wife was out sweeping. That was the first time I have met her. I explained what was going on with mom and that I would be moving in. I saw her husband as well. It was nice to see him again and to give him the good information about mom doing so much better.

 

They told me where the mail boxes were located and told me when trash was picked up, both things that I had needed to figure out.

 

I went to Walmart to get a few more copies of mom’s key made. I wanted Lio to have her own key, and since we may have more visitors relatively soon I felt it was a good idea to have a few to give out as needed. I also got some sports bras because we’ve already established that I suck at packing during a crisis. It’s nice to be in a different bra rather than the one I’ve had to wear three days in a row. For every female reading this, I’m sure you know those feels.

 

I also got a yoga mat. I ran out of time to do a flow today, but it was nice to buy it regardless. It makes me feel like I’m taking care of myself, even if it’s in small steps.

 

I got more groceries while I was out. It’s been cold here, and windy. Oh my god. I take back every bit of complaining about the wind I did while I was in Orlando. If I had to bike out here in this wind I’m pretty sure I would die.

 

Anyway, since it’s colder I thought it would be really nice to make chili. It’s a warm, filling meal that normally makes for a lot. I’m cool with making something super simple that will last for a while. I got a handful of other things like onions and spinach to mix into my eggs in the morning. I know I need more veg intake right now. Though, if we’re being honest, I need more intake in general. More food and more water. I’m working on it. It’s getting easier to do.

 

I stopped by my brother’s before heading home. It’s nice that he lives so close to mom. Allison had sent flowers for mom that I wanted to take to the hospital with me. My debit card had also come in. Yay! I can stop freaking out about hitting my credit card limit now. Lame $700 plane ticket. : /

 

I had also thought I had lost my Warrior Dash hoodie. Not only that, but my Army hoodie as well. You know… the only two pieces of clothing that I actually have emotional attachment to…

 

The Warrior Dash hoodie is special because it is from the first 5K that I ever ran. The Army hoodie is the one I got when John graduated boot camp. They’re special to me and I want to keep them. So of course I lost them and couldn’t find them anywhere, and the lost and found at the hospital didn’t have anything… Not cool.

 

I found the Army hoodie at mom’s place. My uncle had moved it when he had stayed in the room. Jason was able to find my Warrior Dash hoodie at his place, so both have been retrived and returned, but yeah, that was another reason for me to stop by his place.

 

It was nice to see him. Even though I’ve been in Vegas for over a week I don’t think I’ve spent more than 5 hours total with my older brother. Even less time with my sister-in-law. While I was there he asked if I needed anything from him. I asked if he meant in relation to moving, to mom, or just in general.

 

He said just in general.

 

“Please don’t die,” was my response. Maybe that wasn’t fair of me. Maybe I should have held that inside. I don’t know. And sitting here in the hospital hallway I’m suddenly filled with emotions of vulnerability. I’ve been doing good all day, being productive and kicking ass and taking names, and all of a sudden I feel like breaking down and crying again.

 

I feel like any sudden change would be too much to handle right now. The thought of my brother not being there makes my brain seize up and refuse to function. I can keep going as long as I know that everyone around me is still there. I can keep manning the helm figuring out our heading as long as I know that he’s there for when I need a hug, or French toast sticks in the morning, or just someone to report to of the things I’ve done so I can feel like I’ve actually done something.

 

He assured me he would do his best to not die.

 

I have no idea what I would do at this point if something actually did happen. I’m so not ready to handle something like that. The only thing I need is for everyone else in my life to be ok for a few more days. Maybe a week or so. Maybe until I get moved out to Vegas. I just know that right now the thought is too heavy and threatens to overwhelm me, so I’m going to move on with my writing instead of dwelling on this.

 

Lio had made spaghetti and offered me a bowl. Super tasty. It was nice having a hot home made meal. She helped me carry everything out to the car when I left. She asked how I was holding up. I told her about as well as can be expect. That it was easier now that mom sounded like mom again.

 

She said Jason was worried that he wasn’t going enough. That John and I are doing most of the “work” by staying with mom all the time. I told her that he was doing plenty. I said that I felt bad for him because, yeah, I might spend a bunch of time at the hospital, but when I leave I have alone time where I can cry or do whatever I want / need to do. Jason has to go home and be a dad. He doesn’t get a break to cope with life.

 

I told her that we all feel like we’re not doing enough, but we are, and we need to understand that about ourselves. Even her. She’s taking care of Jace and cooking dinner and keeping the home running. She’s playing her part and being supportive even though in her head she’s doing nothing. We’re our own worst enemies.

 

I came home, ate, took out the trash, talked to my Aunt Brenda, switched the wash to the dryer and folded the load that was already done. I also ran the dishwasher but I forgot to put the dishes away. Guess I should add that to my list so I don’t forget it again.

 

I came back to the hospital and shift changed with John.

 

Thus the conversation with my mom. She asked me about the moving situation and how that would work out with Zane. What I am thinking will work best is to fly back to Orlando, rent a U-Haul van, pack up my stuff, and drive back to Vegas. That drive is going to suck, but I think it’s the best option.

 

I would most likely leave my car with Zane. I have my mom’s out here, so there’s not real need to me to have mine. Zane could use it to still get to and from work, and really, if he crashed the car while I’m away it would actually be less inconvenient than if I were in Orlando. That’s because out here in Vegas I would still have a car, while in Orlando I wouldn’t. He’s on the insurance so if anything happened I would be ok… I don’t know. There just doesn’t seem like a reason to have to have the car with me. It would be another level of annoying to have to tow the car behind the van. That’s something I’ve never done before, and not something I’m really interested in learning.

 

The rent situation depends on my financial situation, which is why I’m so hoping that the remote job works out. If it does then I can keep meeting all of my obligations until they are able to replace me as a roommate. Otherwise I don’t know what’s going to happen.

 

The only reason Zane is still in Orlando is because I was supposed to go out to California with him. That slowly changed to me joining the military, but the base truth is that the apartment was renewed mostly because I was staying, and now I’m not. So yeah… there’s that.

 

There’s also the fact that moving is going to be expensive in its own right. I’m thinking about creating a Go-Fund-Me page thing when details are ironed out. I’m hoping to raise as much money with it as possible. What ever is left over from making the move would be used for mom’s hospital bills since I’m sure those aren’t going to be cheap. We don’t know what her insurance is covering yet.

 

I have set up a request to meet with my mom’s case worker so we can get started with Social Security and figuring out home care.

 

I also need to get documentation to send to school to be excused from my classes for a month or so. Though I guess that really depends on if I can continue to be an employee. I figured it was better to have the documentation and not need it than need it and not have it.

 

The only other major thing I can think of is that my younger brother and I are disagreeing on telling mom about her lungs.

 

John thinks we shouldn’t say anything yet and wait until she’s better so we don’t deter her recovery. Jason and I think the omission of truth is just as bad as lying. Not sure if I wrote this or not but the first night I stayed with mom after the second surgery, maybe it was the second… I guess when doesn’t really matter. It was the first time she started sounding like mom so we sat and played 20 questions. I told her about the surgeries and everything that had happened.

 

I told her the only thing she needed to remember were that we loved her, and that I wouldn’t lie to her. So here I am… lying to her… at least that’s what it feels like. Mom had said she wanted to wait on the rest of the information, but waiting and not remembering that there’s more are two different things, and I don’t think she remembers that there’s more.

 

John feels like he’s being alienated and that he’s “overruled” and that it’s a moot point. I really don’t want our family to be divided over this. I really don’t’ want him to hold a grudge or be resentful over it, but I know john. I know he will be pretty bitchy about it. I also know mom, and I know the longer we wait the more she’s going to feel betrayed that we didn’t tell her.

 

I really don’t need this drama in my life right now…

 

John: I’m against the idea because it might be a bit much for mom to handle. And while it may seem like she is all there she isn’t 100% yet. More like 75 or 80. But like I said earlier, I’m over ruled so it’s a moot point. Just wanted to have my last 2 cents on the matter.

 

Me: It’s not a moot point and you’re not over ruled. We can talk about it with Jason in the hall. We need to stay united as a family. We may disagree on things and some of us may not get our way all the time. But we can’t let that tear us apart or hold grudges and let resentment build.

 

We can talk about it as adults tomorrow and see everyone’s perspective. Alternatively we can ask mom if she’s ready for part 2 of the situation and leave the choice up to her.

 

You aren’t being over ruled and we aren’t trying to alienate you. Mom has a right to know abut her health. Omission of truth is still lying and I told mom we wouldn’t lie to her. She needs to know she can trust us, even if it’s not fun news. We can’t keep secrets and expect her to believe us in the future. Trust doesn’t work like that.

 

 

I haven’t heard back from him, but I’m hoping that we can at least agree to disagree.

 

Phew… I hadn’t realized how much writing would take it out of me. I’m cool with getting off the emotional roller coaster. I really should try to sleep again. I don’t’ think I’ll be able to though. I’m worried about tomorrow and john blowing up and being himself. As much as I love him he can be insanely frustrating sometimes. I need him to not get his back up if mom wants to know, and really, I need him to understand that just because he thinks it’s a bad idea doesn’t really matter. We have to think about what mom would want. She would want to know. There isn’t going to be a “good time” to talk about it. The sooner it happens the sooner we can reassure her that we’ll survive whatever it is.

 

There was a point last night where she said she was scared about going home and I asked why.

 

Mom: Because it will be different.

 

Me: Yeah it will be different. But a lot of it will still be the same. There will still be laundry to do, and dishes to wash. You’ll still wake up to an alarm clock, or maybe not because you’ll sleep in. The mail will still run… Just because some of it will be different doesn’t mean it will be bad.

 

This situation is like that. At the moment it’s just information. It’s not good or bad, it’s just a fact. Something showed up on the x-ray. We have no idea what it is.

 

So yeah, she’s going to be scared, but every day she has been getting better. Those whatever they are have been there through this whole week of amazing recovery, and that’s the point we have to make her see. Just because she’s aware of it doesn’t change anything. She’s still going to get stronger. She’s still going to be mom to us, and we’re still going to love her, and eventually she’ll be home and we can cross this new, sort of distant bridge when we get there.

 

It’s easy to jump to “Oh god, it’s terminal cancer and the world is ruined.” Right now we don’t know and worrying about it isn’t going to make anything easier, or better, or make her heal faster. It’s about knowing we have a pretty long road ahead of us, but when we get there it will feel like child’s play compared to what we have already come through.

 

We have to make her see that we’ll get through it, together, all of us. It will be hard, it will be scary, and we’ll all need each other and the support structure of family and friends, but we WILL get through it.

 

Tomorrow might be a crappy day, but you know what, when compared to the fact that we might not have had this day just a short week ago I think it’s still going to be a pretty awesome day in my book. I just wish I could count on John not being a dick to me for it… gah… siblings…

Daily Post 109: A Good Day

Wrote this last night
but didn’t get around to posting until this morning. 

---

 

I’m tired. I’m with mom. She’s sleeping.

 

Today has been a good day for her. While I was gone, while my brothers were with her, she was able to get up and walk. She’s been approved to have cups of water and ice chips.

 

I have road maps for what I need to do next. Social security is something I need to get the ball rolling on. It’s possible there is home care stuff available which would help pay for me to stay with mom once she leaves the hospital. There are things to look into. Steps to take. I’m good at that. I’m good at getting things taken care of.

 

I made tuna earlier today so there’s food. I’ve eaten twice today which is more than I have been. I had a bottle of water, too. It’s been over a week since I’ve done any sort of exercise, but I could care less at the moment.

 

At least, I would care less except my muscles are reminding me that I’m not using them. They’re sore from sitting and sleeping in a hospital chair for so many hours so many days in a row. I hadn’t realized just how sore I was until I took the time to use coconut oil these past two days. The act of massaging and rubbing the stiffness out of my muscles made me realize that just because I’m not working out doesn’t mean they aren’t tensed up.

 

I’ve had some amazing conversations with Mother Earth. She helped to silence some of the evil voices in my head. The ones telling me that I’m not doing enough. My mom’s friend Aunt Brenda has helped with that, too. She said my mom would be proud of me. She said I come from a long line of strong women, and that I am strong just like them.

 

This event has caused me to reconnect with so many people in my life. Even my dad. At least a little bit. I let him know what has been going on. I keep him updated the same with everyone else. I doubt we’ll re-bond over this, but we still know the other exists.

 

Tomorrow should be a bit of a slower day. A more normal day. I have things like “do laundry” on the list. Check the mail. Figure out trash pick up. With mom doing so much better it feels like the worst part, the most uncertain part, is mostly over. Now that the fall is over we can begin the slow track up the path of recovery.

 

As I showered earlier, standing under the hot water, I realized how much easier I was breathing. I noticed that I was actually still breathing, and living, and how so was mom, and how much everyone has helped support me and my family.

 

As I stood in my mom’s kitchen using her cast-iron skillet to cook my breakfast I realized maybe this situation isn’t so awful. The family is together again, something we all have wanted, but haven’t made a priority.

 

I didn’t feel as lost because last night mom finally sounded like mom again. A very sick and weak mom, but my mom. Not a drugged patient. I needed. So much. I needed to hear her answer my question, “Do you know who I am?” with her slight eye roll of, “Jennifer.” As if to say, “Of course I know who you are. What type of question is that?”

 

I’ve taken care of a few of the procedures for the nurses tonight. I’ve watched them over the past few days and have learned how to care for mom so I don’t feel like a useless bystander anymore. I can write down numbers on the chart as we track different outputs. I’m learning how to read blood pressures and what numbers are ok and what ones we want to watch for.

 

I’m hoping when mom wakes up we can talk more about me moving to Vegas so I can get the ball rolling in that court as well. I might not be able to do much for a little bit, but I want to make sure, 100% sure, that mom is ok with me moving in with her. We joked about it all the time when we would talk on the phone, but it would mean a lot to me and make me more comfortable to hear her confirmation one more time.

 

The past week is catching up to me. I’ve slept most of the morning / afternoon. At least I think I have. And still I’m tired. It’s quiet here. There’s no beeping tonight for low oxygen saturation levels. The lights are low. There’s just the sound of mom breathing. The most beautiful sound I have ever heard. My own personal lullaby as I hold her hand while she sleeps.

Musing Moment 088: The Power of Kindness

 

I have been so moved by the people in my life, and the random strangers who do absolutely nothing special, but have helped make this situation so much easier for me just by being themselves.

 

We weren’t sure if my mom had set up an auto bill pay for her rent, so I had to contact the landlord to figure it out. She was extremely kind and assured me there would be no late fee if it wasn’t set up. We would wait to see if it paid itself, otherwise she would contact us and we could figure it out then.

 

The nurses have been beyond patient with me, answering all of my questions no matter how simple or silly they seem. When I need new sponge swabs for mom they bring them to me, even if they’re not my mom’s assigned nurse. Every time they say something about my mom looking better, doing better, it’s a small handhold that I cling to on the cliff-face that I’m climbing.

 

The server we had when my younger brother and I went out to celebrate his birthday last night was so nice. He most likely wasn’t doing anything special, nothing he doesn’t do for all his tables. He didn’t know our mom was in the hospital or that we were going through anything super heavy. But he smiled and joked with us, and helped make John’s birthday that much nicer.

 

The cashiers I’ve had when I have gone to the grocery store also most likely aren’t doing anything aside from their job, but their genuine kindness and wishing me a good day has made it seem less overwhelming.

 

All of the amazing support from my friends, my mom’s friends, my brother’s friends, other family members… I wouldn’t have made it through these past few days without them. My mom’s best friend has quickly turned into my mentor and one of a handful of confidants that I feel I am able to turn to.

 

Mother Earth has been the ground beneath my feet, letting me know that I’m not free falling.

 

Sirrandius’ messages of checking in and hoping that I am doing better brighten my day even if I’m not able to respond, or forget to with everything that happens during the days.

 

The guy at the Taco Bell drive-thru that I almost didn’t stop at because I didn’t know if I would be able to keep food down… “No rush, take your time.” Again, such a small comment that any other day I wouldn’t think twice about helped to alleviate my almost overwhelming anxiety. The thoughts of, “I have no idea what I want and there are people behind me and they’re going to get annoyed with me, and is it really worth going through this just to eat? Is it worth eating when my mom can’t?” All of it gone because he took away the pressure. No rush. Take as much time as you need. There is no pressure in this one area of your life. There’s nothing here to worry about.

 

And as he passed my food to me, his one word with a true smile. “Enjoy.” Remember to take pleasure in the small things that you have. Enjoy the food. Take time to actually taste it and experience it rather than mindlessly going through motions. Live life still.

 

Maybe I read way too much into things, but every small interaction I have with anyone has made me so grateful for the kindness I am shown. The support, the warmth, the compassion even though most people have no idea about this side of my life. It’s not like I go around with a neon sign saying, “My mom almost died and is still in the hospital and I don’t know if she has terminal cancer yet.”

 

No. I smile a smile which most likely doesn’t reach my eyes. I keep going. I buy groceries. I make to-do lists. I breakdown in my mom’s car as I drive to places. I worry and fret, and prolong going to sleep as long as my body will let me because I’m worried about not waking up to a phone call.

 

But every comment I get saying that I’m doing the right thing, that I’m doing great and helping to support the family… Every comment of how my mom would be proud of me… it validates a part of me. It makes it easier to keep going, keep fighting. Every small act of kindness helps me feel like I’m not alone and it means the world to me.

 

So, thank you, to every person I’ll never be able to thank. Thank you for being you.

 

I encourage you to go out and smile at someone. Do something nice. Hold open a door for someone. Wish someone a good day. Some small, free act of kindness and compassion. We never know what another person is going through. Your one moment of kindness could make an entire world of difference. I know it has for me, and I’ll always go forward from this situation with that in mind.

 

Love your fellow human.

 

Daily Post 108: Post Eruption

I was going to wait to write until after I had slept again, before going back to the hospital, but my mind won’t let me rest until I spill these thoughts out, so here I am, back in front of the computer after a full day of tasking. It is a much more stable position that what I was in earlier this morning though, and so maybe it’s good to write again now so it doesn’t seem like I’m as unstable as I felt during my previous writing.

 

It was good to write. It was good to get all of it out, all of those words that I can’t say to mom.

 

There was one point the night before last when I was with her. When she was out of ICU and on the med surge floor where she said she was sorry. She thought we were mad at her for being so sick. She said she didn’t mean for any of this to happen.

 

My heart wanted to break.

 

How could my mom think we would be mad at her? How could we be? How could we have anything but unconditional love for such an amazing person?

 

I did everything I could to assure her that no one was mad. That we all loved her. That we were all here for her, and wanted nothing but for her to rest. How that was the only thing she had to worry about.

 

She’s not allowed to eat or drink, and that has a lot to do with the type of surgery she had. I don’t want to go into details, mostly because they’re not mine to say. I’m sure I’ve already broken all sorts of rules by talking about what I have.

 

I was going somewhere with that thought…

 

Oh yeah, I remember. The water fairy thing. She’s not allowed to drink, but her mouth gets dried out because of her breathing. We’re allowed to use little flavored sponge swabs (don’t let the “flavored” part fool you, they suck). Basically, we dip them in a cup of water and we can let mom suck the moisture from it. I was the only one with her for a while, so we sort of got a routine going with it. When the rest of my family came back the joke broke out that I was the “water fairy” and so now I have a mission to find fairy wings to wear at the hospital so I can really be her fairy. I think it would make her smile.

 

There was another point where she was pretty awake and we had to go through a paper about past medical stuff. Are you allergic to… have you ever had… that type of stuff.

 

One of the questions was have you ever had a serious illness while pregnant. There were a handful of jokes and playful jabs and as they died off I was said something like, “Maybe regret…” everyone cracked up. Even mom thought it was a really good joke.

 

Another one was something like have you ever taken street drugs and my older brother was like, “Come on now. She’s not barbaric. She doesn’t do them in the street. She takes it home like a decent person.”

 

You can kind of get idea of what type of humor my family has…

 

There was a lot of laughing, though. A lot of playfulness and I think that helped mom a lot. I think it will continue to help her as she gets better and comes ‘round from this most recent surgery.

 

I screamed in my car as I drove to my brother’s house this morning. That helped to. It’s not something I can do around people. The total emotional… I don’t even know what to call it. I don’t think of it as a break down. Nothing is breaking. It’s an overflow. It’s a volcano, earthquake, rockslide force of nature that refuses to be stopped or silence. And it can only happen when no one is there. This change, this shift, can only happen when I completely let go and allow all of the walls and dams and barriers to be destroyed, wiped away. These emotions and facts and sensations and truths have to force their way into my being. They have to be incorporated within myself, and a change that drastic, that reactive, can’t happen correctly around people. It’s a transformation. A painful, brutal, excruciating change.

 

I am not the same person I was last night as I bit my knuckle to keep from crying in the hospital room as I watched the RNs bath my mom and change the bed sheets.

 

I am not the same person who packed two shirts, four pairs of gym shorts, no sleeping cloths and two pairs of panties. I guess wardrobe wasn’t a big concern for me at the time…

 

I hate thinking that I’m a “different” person. I hate the way that sounds. We’re always who we are. I am still me, but at the same time I’m not. This experience has shifted the landscape inside of my soul and while I am the same person, I am also different and I don’t know how to explain it better than that yet.

 

I am me, it’s just a different me.

 

I screamed alone in the car as I drove down the Las Vegas roads to my brother’s house. It was windy and bright and sunny and I metamorphosized under the sun, alone, and came out a quivering new thing by the end of the ride. Weak from the effort and energy it took to go through the experience, but stable and getting stronger.

 

It wasn’t done. I got my bag from my brother’s place. I drove to my mom’s where I did a few things before writing, which is where it continued. Instead of the anger of screaming, it was the sobs of pain and anguish and helplessness. It was accepting that I have no control in this situation. This is life, and it will play out how it wants and all I can do is my best even if with every fiber of my being it doesn’t feel like enough.

 

I have to love myself, I have to be understanding that I am human. I have to understand that just as my mom is sick and injured, so am I. I am doing a lot. I am making things so much easier for my bothers. I am holding my own and taking care of the family. I’m taking care of myself so I don’t get sick and end up being another person they have to look after. I am getting keys made for apartments, and paying bills, and running to the store, and keeping people informed and connecting and making sure people have an address to send flowers to. I need to understand that all of that has value, and is worthwhile, and is, in itself, enough. I need to be just as understanding of myself as I am with other people, especially now.

 

I went out and bought more clothes so I have things to wear other than the same pair of pants that I’ve been in for days now. I got food for the apartment so we can eat breakfast. I plan to make tuna later. Nothing fancy but if food is already made people will be more likely to actually eat.

 

I got body wash and coconut oil so I can still keep my routines that I so desperately need right now. Something normal, something to balance out the chaos of change and uncertainty. I’m going to eventually go to the YMCA and see about a temporary membership out here in Las Vegas. I’ve already called Bank of America and had them issue me a new debit card.

 

I can’t remember if I mentioned that. I doubt it. They thought there was fraudulent activity with my debit card, so the canceled it and issued me a new one. Yep. I’m out in Vegas visiting my mom in ICU and they took my card away from me so I can’t buy anything. Luckily they didn’t fuck with my credit card, but I’m beyond pissed with Bank of America. Every fucking god damn time I need, legitimately need, my cards I can’t use them because they get canceled.

 

At least I was able to have them send the new one to my brother’s address out here, so I should get it in 7 to 10 business days… fuck you Bank of Fail. I’m hoping you burn in a special place in hell right now.

 

Anyway. I looked into seeing what I could do about my plane ticket out here. It was $700. Yep… that sucked. I didn’t even think twice about it. I didn’t know there was such as a thing as bereavement flights. I really think it’s shit like that we need to be taught in high school rather than the formula for figuring out carbon decay and logarithms. Just saying… this was life information that could have helped me out more. You know… actually enriched my life and shit.

 

I used Southwest Air to get out here, and wouldn’t you know, they don’t have bereavement rates because their rates are already so fantastically amazing. So I guess I’m going to have to eat that whole fee, but at least I know for next time.

 

I got keys made for my mom’s apartment, that way my brothers can get in and out as they need to. I even got little tags to go with them and wrote the gate codes down on them for my brother’s house and my mom’s, that way we don’t have to worry about trying to remember all of these numbers. At least some of them are written down and easily referred to.

 

Tomorrow is John’s birthday. I like to think of it as, ”Happy birthday. Mom is still alive.”

 

Or better yet, “Happy birthday. The whole family is together.”

 

I’m trying to find the silver lining around things and I think I’m doing a pretty good job. It’s one of the things a co-worker mentioned about me in their answers to the survey I had to send out for my leadership class. I’m always able to find something positive to say, or something good about a situation.

 

Yet I still sit here and worry about the masses in my mom’s lungs and worry that it’s terminal cancer and that even though she’s doing better that I only have a short time left with her and that it won’t be enough. It will never be enough.

 

Those thoughts don’t stay very long though. I’m aware of how much different my mentality is from when I found out about mom’s stroke, verses my mentality of when I was younger and in an abusive relationship.

 

I have grown so much as a person, and I will continue to grow and evolve and morph and change through this ordeal. And I know most of it won’t be fun, pretty, or easy. Its’ going to be its own kind of torture.

 

I am not looking forward to it. But I am resigned. One of my tasks is to look into teaching out here in Vegas. In my head I’ve already moved into mom’s apartment. Her patio has the perfect setup for an herb garden… Not that I was thinking about that or how to arrange one of the spare bedrooms… You should see the kitchen… Counter space for days.

 

Zane and I have worked out rent for this month. This week is Hannah’s turn to buy groceries, so that actually worked out well. I was thinking it was supposed to be me. Zane is taking care of Scarlet for me, but I know she misses me and is having a hard time with me not being there. I wish I had been able to bring her with me, but at the same time I don’t know how I would have been able to care for her at the moment. She’s with someone who loves her and will cuddle with her. I hope she will forgive me.

 

I’m living by my to-do list right now. Every thought I have of “I aught to, I need to, this has to happen…” gets written down. If I don’t have my notebook near me then it gets written down on my arms. At the moment I have “message dad” scrawled on my forearm in black marker because that’s all I had near me, and I didn’t want to forget to let him know about mom coming through the second surgery fine.

 

Eat. Sleep. Shower. Brush teeth. Those are all things written down. Give keys to John and Jason. Message Jodi about apartment gate code. I’m keeping it together because I have a road map, instructions, telling me how to breath, how to put one foot in front of the other so I don’t collapse down into a helpless wreck. My notebook is my life at the moment. It’s my “This is how you human”. It’s my structure, my framework, so even if everything falls apart I have the skeleton and foundation left to rebuild around.

 

I think my mind is pretty done with writing at the moment. I know there’s a ton of red squiggle lines, so I’ll save posting until after I wake up, but at least I wrote, and wandered through my mind and processed a fair amount of the events.

 

I don’t think I ever finished my thoughts about John’s birthday. But I’ll do that another time. I feel better now that I’ve had almost 10 solid hours to myself. My inner introvert needed this time. I needed to have the previous eruption and then the stillness afterwards to become accustomed to the new landscape within myself.

 

Shower, brush teeth, sleep. Those are my next steps to humaning. I’m looking forward to a warm shower. One I indulge in, standing under the water letting it wash everything away. Maybe crying more. Who knows. I’m looking forward to feeling clean, and sleeping, even if it’s light and only for a few hours. I’m looking forward to curling up in mom’s bed, her blanket pulled up close and breathing in the familiar scent of home. I’m looking forward to having a little bit more normal before going back to the hospital.

Musing Moment 087: I’m So Sorry

I have a few hours to myself again. I’m supposed to be sleeping but there are things I want to take care of before I do that. Updating people about mom was one of them. I updated the Facebook message I have going letting people know she’s doing ok. Getting hand soap and such for the bathrooms in mom’s apartment is another task since we are going to be staying here for the duration of mom’s hospitalization. I’m proud that I have eaten today. Once I have body wash I’ll shower. Brushing my teeth would be a good idea since I haven’t had a toothbrush to do that for days.

 

All of that sounds so gross and awful, and I’m sure in some world there are people who think less of me for that but all I can think about right now, alone, in front of my computer where I can finally take a few minutes to decompress from last night is the small plea my mom said.

 

I’ll write about the situation better once I have the emotions out. Another post with the facts and logic, but right now I need the emotions to have their time because they’ll kill me if I don’t.

 

She had surgery again. The hospital was supposed to call us once mom was being moved into her new room. It was going to take a while because they had to wait for the other patient to be discharged first, so we left the hospital during the surgery to get food and rest. All we would have been doing is sitting in the waiting room otherwise.

 

The hospital said they would call around 8pm, as soon as they were getting mom ready to be moved. At 10:30 we still hadn’t heard anything. My older brother asked me to go to the hospital to see what was going on, so I did. Of course as I got through security the hospital called Jason and told him they were moving mom. I said that since I was there I could stay with her, let everyone else get sleep, and then trade off in the morning. So that’s what we did.

 

Last night was one of the hardest nights I have ever lived through.

 

There were two instances where mom started moving around a lot. I asked if she was ok and she said her lower back hurt. The nurse said it was from being in the same position for so long. We were in the process of moving her around to get her more comfortable, but it was taking a bit of time.

 

I could see my mom becoming more and more pained. She started making little pained sounds, and before it was all over she had tears in her eyes.

 

“We’re going to get you comfy. I promise.”

 

“Please,” was her small, soft, barely formed word, choked out from her dry, chapped mouth which was covered by an oxygen mask because her oxygen saturation levels were too low on their own. She looked at me, begging me with her eyes to make the pain stop. Begging me with her one word that I’m sure took all of her strength and mental ability to form.

 

And I couldn’t.

 

I couldn’t make it stop. Not by myself. I had to wait and hold her hand while the nurse got more help to move her, and all I could think inside my head is, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

 

I will never be able to forget that one word and how I was so powerless to be able to do anything. We did get her comfortable and the pain did go away. She didn’t want to take pain killers, and I’m sort of glad for that because she won’t be fighting through them to be coherent later.

 

But that happened twice last night. Twice my mom begged me to help stop her pain and I couldn’t. I can’t heal her. I can’t make her well.

 

All I can do is sit and hold her hand, and dip a little sponge swab into a cup of water and be her “water fairy” as I’m called now because for some reason I’m the only person she wants water from. All I can do is dab a wet cloth against her skin when she says she’s too warm even though she doesn’t have a fever.

 

I feel like the only things I can do aren’t enough.

 

She was finally able to sleep last night. This morning really since it was 5am,  all I can think about that is how perfect she looked. Even with tubes everywhere and bruises on her arms from all of the needles she’s been poked with. She was and is perfect and I love her so much. She’s the most beautiful person on the face of the planet and I couldn’t make the pain stop.

 

I haven’t told Jason or John about the experience. I don’t think they would understand until something like that happened to them. I hope it doesn’t.

 

I want to beg her for forgiveness. I so sorry you hurt last night. I’m so sorry that even though you raised me right and made sure I was strong that I couldn’t do anything other than hold your hand and keep my sobs inside until I got into the car to leave the hospital this morning.

 

I’m so sorry mom. I love you so much and I wish I could do so much more than what I am. I wish I could make it better. I wish I could make it right.

 

I’m so, so sorry.

Daily Post 107: Mom Has Been Hospitalized

This is the first time since I flew out to Vegas that I have had time in front of a computer. That was Tuesday at 3am. I’m tired. I’m hanging in there. We all are. Even mom. I will write more as I have time to. I wanted to put this message on my blog while I had a second inbetween everything that is going on so I can have a marker for all of the events. There is so much, so many things, emotions, moments, people, tasks.

 

So much.

 

Jason is being the stoic leader of the family. John is being the medical guru, and I am being the organized force making sure all on the life side of things is still getting taken care of. I called my mom’s work, the landlord, and I made this message on Facebook and made sure as many people were added to it as needed to be. I’m manning the helm and making sure that no Is or Ts are forgotten as we try to make it through this storm.

 

We will not come out unscathed. But we will come out of it. Somehow. Some way. I know I will make it through this, and while I am around people I can keep it together. But when I’m alone it is so very hard to believe it. I don’t understand how I will. I don’t understand how I’m breathing much less taking care of things.

 

I’m hanging in there. We all are.

---

 

 

Original Facebook Message

Hi everyone,

 

I know this may be a bit impersonal but I couldn’t think of a more efficient way of reaching everyone with consistent information. All of you are either extremely important friends of mine, extremely important friends of my mom, or in most cases, both, and I felt you had a right to know what has happened.

 

A bit of backstory first…

 

Mom went to the doctor’s office early last week and was diagnosed with phenomena and a UTI. She was prescribed antibiotics and told to rest. Fast forwards to the day before yesterday… Mom still wasn’t feeling well so she went back to the doctor’s to see why the medication wasn’t working.

 

She ended up having to have emergency surgery and was placed in ICU afterward. They didn’t think she would make it through the night.

 

SHE DID THOUGH.

 

I want everyone to know that fact. Mom made it through because she’s a fighter. She started breathing on her own, and they were able to take her off of the blood pressure meds.

 

Mom is doing better. She is still in and out of sleep but is more and more lucid when she’s awake. She’s able to answer the doctor’s questions when she’s asked about the date, location, the people around her. Etc. She even joked with me and the ICU nurse last night.

 

At 3am this morning she was downgraded from ICU to a med surge unit and has been sleeping on and off since then.

 

The short-term goal is to make sure she is stable and recovering from the surgery, which seems to be going well.

 

Mid to long term we’re still not sure. While they were taking x-rays after the surgery they found masses in her lungs. They are running tests to see what information they can find out. If those don’t provide useful information the hospital wants to do a biopsy to see if she has cancer.

 

Aside from knowing that mom is doing better in this very specific moment, we don’t know much else.

 

Again, I apologize for the fact that for some of you this is the first you have heard of the news. The past 36 hours have been intense and aside from mostly immediate family we haven’t had a chance to ensure everyone knew about the situation.

 

If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to message me. I can’t promise I will be able to answer right away, but I will do my best to respond as soon as I am able to.

 

Thank you all for your understanding and support during this situation. I will keep you updated as we learn more.

 

 

 

Daily Post 106: So This is a Weekly Recap…

I was going to make a checklist of all the stuff I want to write about but then I thought better of it. I’m just going to write instead. And that most likely means this is going to be a long, rambling writing, but after all of the school work I’ve just got done doing, doing something free form would be great.

 

Not sure if I wrote about it… most likely not… I’ll just assume since so much time has past between my last actual daily post that I haven’t written about anything. Sorry if I end up repeating myself.

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My Raise

 

Apparently my paperwork got lost after my review. Hooray… said no one ever. Give me my money…

 

Good news, they’ve resubmitted it so I “should” be getting that increase soon. I”ll also be back paid for everything I’m owed.

 

My current faith in the school is at an all time low though, so right now it’s more of an “I’ll believe it when I see it,” mentality.

---

 

Voting and All of That

 

Yeah. I voted. I’m still pissed about my state but there’s not much to be done about it other than actually moving forward on my plans for world domination. Funny that I have joked about that for years. I posted my blog to Facebook that day and one of my friends commented on it, asking if I had ever thought about running for office.

 

No… I hadn’t, but now I am. What’s stopping me? My lack of knowledge about everything political? I can fix that. It would still be 10 years before I could run anyway, but seriously… if I am so bent out of shape about my country why don’t I run and try to fix it?

 

Thoughts for another day…

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Women’s Initiative Meeting

 

The same day I wrote my post about Florida being lame I had my first meeting for my leadership training.

 

All of the emotions. >.<;

 

I have a feeling this is going to be a great program. There was a lot of openness and sharing. One of the exercises we had to do was to write down what we hoped to gain from the training. Of course I wrote down a deep, dark, super personal and introspective reason, not knowing that we were going to have to stand up in front of everyone and read it out loud… shoot me now.

 

I think it was good though.

 

I don’t have my paper with me so this is going to be paraphrased but I essentially wrote:

 

I hope to gain a new perspective, a new understanding of myself, my values, and how to incorporate those values into my career.

 

I hope to find my passion, my drive, my purpose because those are things I feel I have lost.

 

I hope to find the actions I need to do, the steps I need to take, to achieve my goals and dreams.

 

 

Once I was done reading I quickly said, “Ok, so I’m going to sit here and let my inner introvert die a little bit.”

 

That got a lot of laughs which was nice. There was so much support. No one made me feel lame or bad for my writing. I was completely exhausted by the end of the meeting.

 

I went and took care of laundry afterwards. There was a ton of people there, with little kids who only wanted to cry. I set the laundry to wash then got back in the car to try to find something to eat and hopefully a quiet place to sit away from people.

 

I ended up going to Chipotle, which is a place I haven’t been in a while. I think the last time was when I was living with Clavan about two years ago now. Wow. It has been a while.

 

It was really nice. The guy behind the counter explained the different options to me. I got to sit outside in the sun and listen to music on my phone while I ate. I felt better afterwards. More balanced. At least less overwhelmed to the point that I could finish the things I needed to do.

 

By the time laundry was done I had about 30 minutes before I had to go pick up Zane. Not really a lot of time to do much of anything, so I let myself zone out until I had to leave.

 

We did end up going to sushi for dinner. That was nice. Quiet, low key, filling.

 

I don’t really recall what happened for the rest of the evening. Nothing special I guess.

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Saturday’s Migraine

 

That should really say it all. I spent most of the day fighting off a headache and losing. Much lame. It rained the whole day, too, which is why the past few days have been significantly colder. More lame.

 

Because of not feeling well not much got done.

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Sunday’s Not Good Feelz

 

Since nothing got done Saturday, Sunday was a busy day. I rented a Uhaul to clear out the storage unit, which is where things got crappy. There’s a whole bunch of events that go along with the whole story, but essentially Zane says I ruined his weekend.

 

I’m still in the “go fuck yourself” mindset. I don’t know what that means for us. Nothing good I’m sure. Which is sad. His priority isn’t the relationship. It’s not me. I’m kind of done putting in all of this effort and time and caring for something that doesn’t care in equal portions back.

 

That’s where I am right now with it I guess.

 

I did get two really awesome solid wooden bookcases from a chick at the storage unit though. That was pretty cool. I need to get some hardware for them so I can set up the shelving, but I love them. Almost worth having to clear out the storage unit alone.

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Monday Off

 

I took a sick day yesterday and did absolutely nothing productive. I still have a giant list of things that should get done, things I need to do. Each bullet letting me know how much of a slacker I am and how my life is falling into chaos even though it’s really not. It just feels that way.

 

I guess it’s one of those moments where you have so much to do that you decide to do none of it. No regrets. I shoved life off for a day and nothing burned down. That’s reassuring.

---

 

Today Tuesday

 

I woke up when Zane got ready for work and have been awake since then. I worked on my homework that was late. Got that finished and submitted. I went through the routine of shower, oil, and yoga. I biked to school where I continued working on my school stuff.

 

I posted to the websites I needed to. I critiqued my classmates work. By then it was time for lab. I had a message from David saying he was sick and wouldn’t be in, but that’s fine. I can run my CRI1 labs blindfolded and with my hands tied behind my back.

 

Clavan stopped by. He talked to me about the incident that was last month. The formal complaint that was submitted for the Shading and Lighting class. I knew it was a matter of time before it got to me.

 

Clavan said that because of the issue I’m not allowed to cross stitch in lab any longer. He said he knows it’s stupid. He said he knows that I did nothing wrong and that I’m an outstanding employee. He also said that I WAS NOT getting written up for it, and that if he was pressed to that they would have to write him up because he wasn’t going to do it.

 

I have the best boss ever. Seriously. I almost cried when he said that. How many people can say that they have a boss who would stand up for them like that?

 

I do have a lot of things to be thankful for in my life, and this is one of them. I might intensely dislike my job right now, but I work with some amazing people.

 

My yoga socks came in. Sadly I find them lacking. They’re alright, but I feel like they could be better. I’m going to try a different brand this coming paycheck, but this will be my last foray into the yoga sock arena. If it doesn’t work out then I’m going to say that they’re not for me and move on.

 

I’ve gotten through all of reading for my class this week and aced the quiz.

 

I also, finally, got a reply from my instructor about the plagiarism incident. I’m not sure if he’s going to give me points back, but he said he hasn’t informed anyone about the issue, and that I should continue the course work and make sure to submit original work. He said if I had redesigned all of the Publix brand it would have been fine, but since I didn’t it was plagiarism.

 

Ok. Noted.

 

If I don’t get those points back at least in some regard then I’m not going to do very well in the class. At this point I just want the month to be over so I can move on to the next class. Which sucks because I was enjoying this one so much. Even the last assignment was pretty cool. I got to make a feature article about the benefits of role-playing games.

 

I haven’t gotten feedback for two weeks, though… no grades, no direction… Just sort of done with it all.

 

That’s about it for today, though.

---

 

So What Now?

 

I don’t know. I have to bike home soon. I don’t want to do grocery with Zane, so I’m most likely going to be doing my own thing food-wise this week. I don’t want to do his laundry any more either. I hung a bar up on our patio so I can air dry my stuff. That’s awesome because not only will that save money, but it means that I can do all of my stuff at the apartment and not go out which eats into my time.

 

I’m ok with the fact that Zane and I haven’t been sleeping next to each other.

 

His email seriously damaged our bridge. It’s so close to the INFJ door slam, and there’s nothing I can really do to change that. All I can think about are his words, and how he said he didn’t care if they hurt me.

 

And then I think about all the other times he’s said things like that. How he did care if I came home.

 

It just seems there’s a lot of “I don’t care.” I’m left wondering why I do care. I’m left wondering what I actually get out of our dynamic other than cheaper rent.

 

Are the handful of good times that we have worth enduring through this horrible lows where I feel worthless?

 

I don’t know yet. I haven’t looked that hard at the question to find the answer because if I had to answer right now, a gun to my head sort of answer, my answer would be no. It’s not worth it, and that makes me sad, and I don’t want to feel sad right now so it’s easier to ignore it and keep plucking away at my never ending list.

 

Bike home, eat, shower, go to store, make tuna for lunches, cook dinner for the rest of the week, try to call mom, try to be ok because I can’t not be ok because I’m overly emotional and break down all the time…

 

Sigh…

 

I’m hoping the bike ride home helps.

Musing Moment 086: What the Fuck, Florida?

Rated P for Politics

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For the first time in my life I voted. For the first time I actually put in effort to mildly understand what was going on politically in my country.

 

I voted. I cared. I became emotionally invested.

 

And I am ashamed. I am disappointed. I am flabbergasted at my state. My country.

 

How? How can things be the way they are?

 

My avoidance of politics stems all the way back to my childhood. I can remember being in my grandparents house and seeing the President on the TV. Everyone was talking about him. Their tones were angry and that concerned me.

 

I didn’t understand what was going on so I asked my mom, “What did the President do?”

 

Such an innocent question. It was the pure, unadulterated curiosity of a child trying to grasp the world around her.

 

“He lied,” was my mom’s answer.

 

As a child I was crushed. How could the President lie? He’s supposed to be the best American ever. That’s why he was in charge. Because he was a good person. Good people don’t lie.

 

That is where my opinion of politics comes from. Politicians are liars. Much the way people think all lawyers are evil, blood-sucking bastards, all politicians are liars to me. They aren’t interested in the county. They’re interested in self-preservation. They’re interested in their own agenda and making it big.

 

They don’t care about “the people”.
They care about “their people.”

That has been my stance for years. That it’s pointless to get involved because it truly doesn’t matter and our system is broken and in need of a serious update.

 

But this year was different. This year, being with Zane and Trevor and hearing all of their conversations and reading countless articles on the Internet I became informed. I became invested. I became aware.

 

Trump, an angry, bigoted, racist ass-hat.

 

Hilary, who started out iffy at best due to past choices, ended up lying again.

 

Bernie, the only politician I have ever seen, aside from Obama, who seemed to genuinely care about the American people as a whole.

 

I’m sure you can guess by my biased writing who I voted for in the primary.

 

 

Florida voted for Trump. What the actual fuck?

Taking Bernie out of the equation completely, my state chose a blatantly, openly hateful, spiteful person, which the UK has actually contemplated banning, over Hilary.

 

In a way I can understand it. At least Trump is honest about his hatefulness. At least with him we know what we’re really getting, unlike Hilary. If you’re going to lie about emails what else are you going to lie about.

 

Fucking own up to your actions. If they are something that would get you into trouble then don’t do them. I don’t think it’s that hard to understand. I’m pretty sure that’s one of the lessons we’re taught as children.

 

How is it so many people forget things that are supposed to be ingrained into us during our up-bringing?

 

Don’t be a dick to people.
Don’t lie.
Don’t cheat.
Don’t hurt others.
Share.
Compromise.
Have compassion.

 

The only person who seemed to be a “true American” in my eyes was Bernie.

 

It’s not about being Republican or Democratic to me. Fuck the parties and loyalty to a name.

 

It’s about being a decent person. It’s about having morals and values and sticking to them. It’s about being ethical. It’s about being transparent. It’s about being honest and having integrity.

 

Wouldn’t it be so much better if instead of parties candidates had to choose a word to represent their whole campaign?

 

No more Republican or Democrat bullshit. We would have “parties” called Change, Hope, Stability, Reformation, Love, Growth, Acceptance.

 

A single word to represent what the person believed in. What their whole campaing stands for.

 

In an age where votes can be tracked electronically
why do we have all of these issues counting votes still?

How can we have issues where people get turned away because “this isn’t a republican station?” What happens to all of those people who are turned away and not allowed to vote? Why don’t we have a system like Australia where if you don’t vote you’re fined? Why don’t we make election days a national holiday where people are allowed to actually go and vote? Zane almost missed being able to vote because he had to stay at work late and he didn’t have vacation time to use to cover missing time if he left.

 

How fucked is that? “I can’t vote because my employer is making me choose between paying rent and investing into the future of our country?”

 

Is this capitalism? Is this what we stand for? Is this what the American spirit is about? Keeping the gears grinding even as they fall apart rather than improving the machine with maintenance? What good is the 15th Amendment if we aren’t given the chance by our employers to vote?

 

Trump doesn’t even understand the first amendment and he won in my state. What the fuck? My mind is blown. He doesn’t even understand the things our country was founded on, and in most cases goes against them completely, and we’re going to put him in charge?

 

I just don’t get it. And because I care, because I put in time and effort and now have an opinion, I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m disappointed. I’m confused. And the only thing I can do is spill out all of these emotions onto a blank Word document, not caring about the red squiggle lines of misspellings and I wonder if it was even worth caring.

 

In an age where millions of people are in debt to prove that they are educated and productive citizens how can such an uneducated choice have been made by so many people?

 

I feel so alone in my view point right now. I feel I am the only one who has this perspective. I feel as if I’m the only one legitimately looking for an escape route because it seems like my choices of a leader are between Mr. Racist Ass-Hat and Mrs. Liar.

 

I don’t have an American I am proud of to be my leader. I don’t have someone I can stand behind and say, “Yes. This is the figurehead for my country, and I am proud of them. I believe in them. I trust them to look out for me and to care and to try to do their best.”

 

For the first time in my life I am ashamed
to be classified as an American.
I am ashamed of where I live because I am lumped
into a category that I do not want to be a part of.

 

This is not the country I was raised to believe in. This does not feel like the land of the free anymore. This does not feel like the place of opportunity, of equality. This feels like the land of the broken and weary. This feels like the land of blind sheep. This feels like the land of apathy where, “My vote doesn’t count,” really means, “I’m too lazy to try to change things.”

 

To everyone who didn’t vote…

 

Fuck you. You’re part of the problem.

 

I know that’s harsh. I know that’s going to make some people mad, and at the moment I’m ok with that. We deserve to be mad at each other.

 

This whole campaign has been a joke. It has highlighted everything that is wrong with our country, and we all deserve to be mad about that. Maybe in our anger things will change. Maybe the situation will reach such a degree of contention that there will be a breaking point, and turning point, which will cause a reaction throughout the country.

 

I hope my anger at you sparks something inside of you. I hope it makes you look at yourself and question what you’re doing with your life. What do you support? What do you believe in? What type of American are you? What type of country do you actually live in?

 

It’s not America the Great anymore.

 

You live in America the Joke. America the Laughing Stock of the Rest of the World. America the We’re Still Ashamed of Love and the Human Body. America the Fuck the Future and Our Children.

 

We live in a sick and broken country, and your choice to not vote only increased the sickness. Let it spread. Let it continue to fester. Your choice worsened the situation so now it will take even more effort to heal.

 

Fuck you. Fuck your apathy. When you complain about your life, your job, your situation, make sure you do it in front of a mirror because the only person you have to blame is yourself.

 

You are responsible for your life. You can make any change you want to make. You are in control of your own actions. And this single thing, this act of voting, was in your control and you chose not to do it. That is your own fault. So when you complain, make sure you take a breath to own up to your actions.

 

And for all the people who voted for Trump. Fuck your narrow-mindedness. Fuck your lack of empathy for others. Fuck your dated “conservative” ways.

 

There is a rift in our country. Some distinguish it by age. The “older” generation sides with Trump. I don’t believe that. While a “majority” of his supporters may be older what I really think is that we have so many people who are brainwashed by a set of values that, while they are meant to teach love and acceptance, have fostered hate and exclusion.

 

Gays are bad. Anyone not white is less than. Anyone not Christian is evil. The man has to be in charge because woman are only meant to be mothers.

 

That is not how society works anymore. That is not the world we live in. I don’t care when you were born. I don’t care how you were raised. There is your perspective of reality, and then there is the actual reality of the world around you.

 

Sexual orientation has nothing to do with morality. Faith has no sway over how I contribute to society. And if you’re going to make a distinction between the Westborough Baptist Church and the KKK then you sure as hell can make a distinction between terrorists and Muslims because it’s the same fucking thing. You can’t make exceptions for one group and not for others. That’s bullshit.

 

You can’t say it’s wrong for gays to marry because the Bible said so. You know what else the Bible says?

 

---

 

It’s wrong to so much as touch a women
when she’s on her period,
much less for her to set foot in the house of God.

---

A woman can’t go to chuch after child birth,
especially if it is a girl child
because how dare she have a girl and not a boy.

---

It’s wrong to wear clothing made of mixed fabrics.
Kiss those yoga pants goodbye, or that suit jacket.

---

 

You want to say the Bible is law and everyone has to follow it, then make fucking sure you’re following it, too.

 

I’m sick of people having double standards. I’m sick of my society being sick.

 

I’m sick of being quiet and
hoping that people will stand up and say this is wrong.

I am in control of my own actions. I am in control of my life. I am in control of making the change I want to see. So here I am. Standing up, speaking up, and calling people out.

 

This is the slap in the face of reality.

 

Fuck you to anyone who didn’t vote.
Fuck you to anyone who supported Trump.

To the people who are angry with me, I hope you take a good look at yourself, at your state, at your country. I hope you think long and hard about the situation we’re in, and where we are headed.

 

I’m going to fight it.

 

I’m going to keep trying to make a change because I remember being a kid and thinking how lucky I was to live in such an awesome and respected country. I remember the American Dream. I remember being proud to be an American.

 

I’m still one of those people at the sports bar who stands up and puts my hand over my heart when the national anthem is sung before a game. I still care about my country even though it’s doing its best to kill itself.

 

I’m not going to let you
destroy it further.

I’m going to fight your apathy,
and if I have to make you angry to do it,
to provoke you into action, then I will.

 

Be angry at me. Be angry at the country. Be angry at yourself. Be angry. Feel something with such intensity that your body can’t stay still. Feel to the point that you have to take action.

 

Look around you.
Notice what’s broken.
See why it’s broken.
Do something to fix it.

 

Be the change you want to see. Be angry that things aren’t right, and then do something about it.

 

That’s my call to action. Change your life. Make ripples. Rock the boat. Capsize it if you have to. Just fucking CARE about something enough to follow through.

 

Stop letting this sickness spread.

Daily Post 105: The Waiting Game and Other Things

I’m not a fan of writing my blog halfway through the day. It’s also a little annoying that I haven’t done a prompt post in a while. I was doing so well with them, too.

 

Oh well. I’ve been kicking ass and taking names in other areas so I guess it’s a trade-off.

 

Yesterday was a novel of a post, but a lot of stuff has been going on. It felt nice to take the time to reflect on everything that’s happened.

 

I’m still waiting to hear back from my instructor. I find it hard to believe that in 24 hours he hasn’t checked his work email. Flipside… it took me almost four days to send a response to his initial feedback on my project.

 

I spent most of the first Shading and Lighting lab writing yesterday. Reflecting. Processing. By the time I was done I was pretty mentally done, so no work happened on my project. I have to create my own feature article spread of at least four pages. Just wasn’t up for starting something so late at night, especially something that required creativity and higher level thinking.

 

I started looking into kitchen organization life hacks instead so I have a few epic ideas for the kitchen that I can’t wait to try out. Muahahahaha >:3

 

I got an email from mom. When I talked to her on Sunday about the whole plagiarism thing she had said she wasn’t feeling well and had a doctor’s appointment later in the week. Well, she has pneumonia. I feel like I should move out to Vegas so I can mother hen her…

 

She’s on medication and I guess it isn’t bad enough for her to be hospitalized, so that’s a plus. Still, with the whole stroke thing that just happened this past Thanksgiving I would be pretty ok with my mom not having any sort of health issues / scares.

 

I biked home last night, ate, showered, don’t remember doing a whole lot… spent some time poking around on Dragonvale. I feel like I’m still “doing well” in the game. I’m sure Zane still thinks I play the game “wrong” because I’m competitive with it and a completionist. It’s fun though. I’ve gotten most of the rare dragons I’ve been working on. Backflip Studios, the creator of Dragonvale, is doing an Easter event at the moment, so there’s all sorts of new stuff that I need to collect. One of the items lets my dragons reach higher levels, which means they make more money, which means I can do more things… Yes please. So that’s my current main goal. Getting that item.

 

Today has been slower than the past two days. Woke up, ate, poked around online, found the article I intend to use for my project, showered, applied oil, did yoga, daydreamed while sitting on the couch for about thirty minutes. I have a lot of ideas for the kitchen, dining room, and living room. Mostly little things, but I think it’s going to be awesome. I think I’m going to really enjoy this space now.

 

Hannah and I spent a bit of time talking in the kitchen. That was nice.

 

I biked to work, and so far that’s been about it. I’ve clocked in, taken care of emails, made my to-do list, still need to get my ducks in a row for tomorrow. It’s going to be a “day off” but I still have the Women’s Initiative meeting to go to. Zane and I have plans to do date night after I pick him up from work. I’m still thinking about taking Scarlet to the vet. I might save it for Saturday / Sunday if they’re open.

 

I need to make the U-Haul rental later today. I can do that online, though. Easy as pie until the Universe decides to laugh at me and break the website or something.

 

My laptop has been acting up recently with the Internet. It won’t connect to Gmail, Google, and a handful of other domains while I’m at home though it will connect to things like Bing.

 

Today at work it won’t connect to the wireless network at all. I don’t know if it’s an issue with the wireless card or the network itself, but whatever it is, it’s annoying. Right now I’m in the break room using a hardwired connection, which isn’t bad, but as soon as I go to the lab room I’m going to be sans Internet, and I sort of need that. I also need the network to connect to the department printer, which I actually do need to print some stuff off for my project.

 

I’ll figure it out, but I may have to get IT to look at my hardware to make sure there isn’t an legit issue with the card. It’s going to suck being without my laptop if they need to do something with it. Guess now would be a good time to make backups of everything and get my desktop up to par with the software I need.

 

One thing at a time. I’m stoked to start working on my project for this week so I’m going to go jump into that first.

Daily Post 104: Why Did No One Tell Me About Yoga Socks?!

Yoga socks! I didn’t even know those were a thing. How have I not known about this? How have I been living my life without them?

 

I am totally captivated by this concept. And they have yoga gloves, too! I shall never have to worry about face planting onto the floor due to my own sweat ever again. So much win. I seriously cannot begin to express how much I am geeking out over this discovery.

 

Needless to say I have a set of yoga socks on the way from Amazon, and you can be sure that I’ll write about how much I love, or hate, them once I put them on and try them out.

 

To be honest I’m not getting them for yoga. I’m actually getting them for work. Since I’ve been biking to work I’m always in my cross-training Vibrams, which don’t get me wrong, they’re awesome. I love them and fully encourage people to try them out.

 

I don’t like being in those shoes for eight hours after I’ve just gotten done sweating in them by biking to work. I’ve wanted a pair of comfy shoes to switch into, but I don’t want to leave my other pair of Vibrams at work, or cart an extra set of shoes back and forth with me everyday. I want a pair that I can leave at work with my sweater and extra pants.

 

Enter in yoga socks. I’m going to try bending the rules a bit, because I’m a terrible person like that. Since the “socks” have grip on the bottom I’m hoping they will fulfill the requirements of shoes. My goal is to have something comfy to wear and leave at school that still makes everyone happy because I’m not barefoot or wearing flip-flops / sandals.

 

Me to HR after being called in for dress code violation: Come on, guys… work with me here. I’ll compromise if you do. It’s not like the knowledge leaks out of my toes if I don’t have the right shoes on… I would also be cool with the option of you buying Zane a car. I’m sure he would be grateful for it, though I’ll most likely still bike to work even if we did have two cars…

 

The socks are also super cool because the product I got is actually a four pack, so I get color options. I’m not stuck with just black, or gray. I could do purple one day if I wanted. The reviews are super positive, too. I was worried about the socks not fitting. I mean… one size fits most doesn’t mean they’ll fit. I read “one size fits most” as “one size fits everyone except you because that’s how the world works”.

 

There was one review which mentioned the socks fitting a size 10, so theoretically I should be good. Like I said, totally can’t wait. They should be in halfway through next week.

 

Yesterday ended up being a pretty fantastic day.

 

I biked to work a little early so I could have time to cool off before my meeting. I was actually way earlier than I thought I would be and entertained the idea of going to the gym before hand but decided against it. I didn’t want my workout to feel rushed. I would have more time after the meeting than before, so best to save it for later. The meeting might go badly, which would suck and result with me most likely having to go back to the gym to work out all of the new frustration and that would just be lame. I like to think of this as efficient rather than lazy… >.>;

 

So, gym would come after. I took the extra time to work on homework for a bit, getting lost in my work and almost being late to the meeting…. Leave it to me to be somewhere an hour early and still end up 15 minutes late. >.<;

 

I wonder if this is an INFJ issue…

 

Anyway, the meeting was amazing. Marie is such a fantastic person and I’m so glad that I was finally able to meet her face to face. She listened to me explain and stumble through the story. She said that she mostly deals with written plagiarism and wasn’t sure how to judge design plagiarism, especially in relation to someone else’s assignment, but she listened to me explain my feelings and together we were able to find the root of the hurt.

 

I don’t want to be thought of as dishonorable or dishonest. And I guess I wrote about that in my initial post but I didn’t really consciously see it as the root of my discord. My instructor thinks I cheated, when I don’t think I did. When that’s something I would never personally do. So now he has this low opinion of me and I want to fix that. But I wasn’t sure how. I was too caught up in the emotions to know how to approach him without escalating the situation further and being defensive. And so I was left, stuck, with this cloud hanging over me. I’m a cheater, but I’m not, and I don’t know how to get the other person to see the real me.

 

Marie thought I was mature in my decision to not reply to my instructor right away and seeking outside help with the situation. That made me feel better about my choice to wait. I was starting to second guess myself on the level of professionalism I was displaying. I’m all about quick replies to emails and messages, but in this instance I knew if I replied before getting a firm grasp on my emotions, before really understanding them, it would go poorly. I needed to wait until I felt in control of myself and in possession of a clearer perspective.

 

Marie also mentioned how she didn’t feel the tone in my instructor’s email was overly harsh, which was nice to hear. It actually made it easier to accept the comments in his message knowing that I was most likely reading too far into a tone that wasn’t there. Curse emails and their lack of non-verbal cues.

 

She said she felt the two options were extreme, but that over all the tone was detached and professional. I can relate to that. There have been projects in the past that I have graded, projects that score a 12, or an 8. What can you really do with something that bad other than keeping a detached, logical, professional tone.

 

Me: This is what’s wrong. If you have any questions let me know.

 

Marie felt that’s what his message was intending. Plagiarism is such a taboo. Maybe that was the only way he felt he could address the issue.

 

Instructor: Here are the options available to us. Let me know what you want to do.

 

I mentioned how I wanted to meet with my instructor in person, but was worried about it. I didn’t know how to ask to meet without it sounding like I was contesting my grade. Marie and I talked further on that topic and at the end she offered to proof the message I wanted to send.

 

All in all it was really awesome and gave me the solid grounding I needed. It gave me a way to move forward, and having a clear course of action made me feel secure in resolving the issue.

 

After the meeting I biked to the gym where I ran for half a mile before doing a Nike Training Club workout. It was the Zoom in 10 workout again, focusing on full body movements. No weights, but body weight was enough to have me tired by the end while still looking at seven more miles of biking before calling it a day.

 

I took a few minutes to cool off before biking back to school. It was my Character Rigging lab today, so only 4 hours.

 

When I got in David mentioned how I “missed it” on Saturday. A fight almost broke out between two students. I’m sort of glad I wasn’t there, but at the same time I wish I had been. I feel I would have been able to dissipate the situation a bit better. No one was hurt and no fighting actually occurred.

 

Lab was uneventful but still mildly busy. Lots of really good questions and conversations with a handful of the students. I think I helped clear up a few concepts for one of them. She was super appreciative after our conversation, which took about 30 minutes. When she came back up the handful of times during the lab she was using better terminology and able to walk herself through the issues. It was extremely gratifying to see her confidence go from, “I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m so lost and behind. I can’t do this. Please help,” to, “I’m not sure what’s wrong, but this is my thought process.”

 

Those are the moments where I feel like my job is worth it. Seeing someone grow, become more confident in themselves. It’s not about being right. It’s not about being a prodigy. It’s about trying, exploring, improving, learning. It’s about not being intimidated by something new. Everything starts out new. It’s about taking a deep breath and doing your best.

 

So yeah, lab was great in my opinion. The boost and reminder that I needed to have.

 

Due to all of the questions / conversations I wasn’t able to make as much progress on my homework as I was hoping. I got most of it done, but still had a few pages to finish for my mood board. I’m having to analyze a magazine spread for the exercise this week. The example pdfs given as reference are only 4 pages at most. I was at 11 pages by the time I was done. I feel like I did a good job with it. But we’ll see.

 

I biked home. The nights are finally warming up. Summer is here for Florida. The trees have new, bright green leaves. The ground is warm. The air has energy in it. I love it. All of it. I feel it against my skin, moving through me, surrounding and embracing me and I feel like I’m thriving with it right now.

 

This is my season. My time.

 

The ride home was warm, fast, with very little wind resistance. As soon as I got inside I basically turned around and headed back out with Zane. We had a few things to pick up from the store which closed in an hour. We went back to school first for me to pick up my backpack and wallet, that way I could finish my homework later in the evening.

 

I should mention I have already finished the reading and took the quiz. Scored a 100. Go me.

 

Zane and I went to the store were we got the handful of things we needed. I’m going to be making home made coffee creamer, so I got the heavy cream for that. I thought we needed paper towels. After buying a pack and getting home I realized we still had two rolls in the pantry as I was putting the new ones away… At least we won’t run out for a while?

 

Zane also picked up the things he needed to make rice crispy treats for the pot luck his work is doing on Friday.

 

We watched an episode of Boondocks after we got home. He opted to sleep on the couch while I worked in the bedroom. I eventually fell asleep around 2 in the morning.

 

I vaguely remember waking up when Zane came into the room to get ready for work, but I don’t remember him leaving, which isn’t normal for me. If I’m awake I’m usually up, but I was still so tired this morning. And really I guess I shouldn’t be surprised at this fact. I biked roughly 15 miles yesterday, ran for a half mile, and did a 10 minute HIIIT workout. I think I earned the right to sleep for more than 4 hours, but maybe that’s just me.

 

Today started around 10ish. It might have been closer to 11. I honestly don’t remember. The sun was up. It was bright. I was sore and groggy. I made breakfast and had my coffee before typing out the email to my instructor. I sent the file to Marie to proof read then went about the handful of minor chores I wanted to do.

 

One of the tasks on my list was “Put coins away”. Mind tricks, yo. I had a baggie of coins that I had brought in from the car sitting on my desk. I was still so tired and fighting the urge to go back to bed, which I knew wasn’t what I really wanted to do, so adding something that minor to my list helped me build momentum.

 

Me: Look at that sexy black line on my to-do list. Hell yeah. I’m a bawce.

 

Maybe it’s a little sad, but things like that can help jump start me. Not only did I do something, but I actually acknowledged the fact that I did something, no matter how minor. It makes it easier to keep going. To do bigger, better, more things.

 

So… I went from being tired and not really do much with my day to researching into jivamukti yoga, which led to my fantastic discovery of yoga socks. I took the trash out which is normally Zane’s job, but I was home not doing much. Might as well do it while I’m up, right?

 

I made a Google spreadsheet for all of the items Zane and I still want to get for the apartment. That was nice because we had a list written down in a notebook and I got to go through and starch off all of the items we’ve already gotten, or things Trevor left for us to use. I got to add color and structure to the spreadsheet and share it with Zane so we can both add items to it as we think of them. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a while, and I finally got around to it. Yay good feelz.

 

I’ve spent time everyday these past few days brushing Scarlet. She’s enjoying the quality time. I’m thinking about taking her to the vet on Friday because she’s still stumbling more than walking. I doubt there is anything the vet can do, but if I take her at least I will know that I did what I could.

 

Side note… my request to have Friday off was approved. Huzzah. So I can legit go to the vet if I decide to. I can also easily make it to the Women’s Initiative meeting that afternoon without having to be a hot, sweaty mess from biking.

 

I ended up packing Trevor’s few remaining wine glasses, which were left on the counter. I also cleaned up and packed up the rest of his stuff that was on the kitchen table. I had to make a small box of stuff for Zane to go through, but the kitchen is almost 100% the way I want it to be. I also cleaned up the tables in the living room, another small box for Zane’s and some of Hannah’s stuff, but that let me wipe the tables down.

 

Overall the apartment is so much better it’s insane. I’m back to enjoying being home. I don’t have anxiety about being there anymore. It’s not a gross, messy environment that I can do nothing about. If I don’t like something I can change it. I can make it better. I can clean it. It’s mine and I’m responsible for it. It’s a reflection of me finally.

 

It only takes one Clorox wipe to clean the counters. The stove isn’t spattered with foodstuffs from other people. And the few dishes that are in the sink when I get home are from Zane and Hannah eating dinner. Easily rinsed and put away. A small, easily accomplished task that helps me transition from work to home. Not the seemingly impossible task of cleaning up after another couple after they have made their dinner, leaving food to get caked onto the pots for me spend 30 minutes of my night cleaning.

 

Trevor still has some stuff to get out of the apartment. The weather turned bad Sunday so he wasn’t able to get all the furniture out, and now that it’s the week everyone is working and it’s hard to get things done at the end of the day.

 

Oh, totally mildly related tangent about time and the end of the day… at 8pm last night the sky still had the last bits of sunset in it. It wasn’t completely pitch black out. But to be honest when you’re in the middle of Orlando there’s so much light pollution that there’s not such think as pitch black. It was nice to see even faint sunlight as I left work, though.

 

Summer, summer everywhere. Even in the night time sky.

 

We’re hoping for Trevor’s stuff to be out by the end of this week. Uke is going to be moving his stuff in soon. I’m going to be getting a U-Hual this weekend to get my bookcases and totes out of storage. Nothing really needs to be unpacked. Most of my totes are actually empty and just stacked inside of themselves. My brother’s stuff is in there, but that’s not a big deal. I’m thinking about asking him if we can set up his computer and make a profile for Zane. That would give the computer somewhere to go, and give Zane a computer to use other than his laptop with a bad battery.

 

Once I was done with all the cleaning I rinsed down before keeping up with a new routine I’ve started.

 

Some backstory… I’ve used pure, unscented coconut oil as a deodorant for almost a year now, and I can say from experience that it works. Literally, just like baby oil, you can massage the coconut oil into your skin and it works amazing. I haven’t had an issue with any sort of body odor. I don’t have to worry about having to reapply throughout the day, and in fact I seem to sweat less from using it. If you’re a person worried about the affects of chemicals and possible cancer causing things, there’s the bonus of not having to worry about possible aluminum getting into your system from using a manufactured deodorant.

 

Additional benefits, coconut oil has antibacterial properties, so it can help keep pores clean and fight acne. It also helps skin heal… The list goes on and on for the benefits. These are just a few of the impacts that I’ve seen in myself from the year of using it under my arms.

 

Totally not pushing my thoughts on anyone. I prefer natural things, and this was a natural thing that I wanted to try. And so far it’s worked amazing for me, so it’s something that I’m going to continue to do.

 

Lately I’ve started doing a full body rub down with coconut oil, which is the new part. Legs, arms, torso, face. All of me.

 

Bruises that I’ve had since February, gone. Red marks from places I’ve picked at my skin, significantly reduced. Soreness from working out, rubbed away because I’m actually massaging the acid build up out of my muscles. I have an increased awareness of my body because I’m actually paying attention to it.

 

Me: That curve wasn’t there before. Those muscles weren’t as defined last month. My waist didn’t cut in that much before. When did that change happen?

 

My skin is softer. Smoother. Healthier looking.

 

I’m not really sure what I’m trying to write. It’s still new. I’ve only done this three times so far, but it’s already seemed like such a positive thing that I can’t imagine not continuing it. It forces me to take a few minutes to be conscious of myself. To really see myself rather than the quick look in the mirror as I rush to get ready. It’s forcing me to manage my time with more intention. I have to set aside a bit more when I get ready so I can work the oil into my skin. That actually means that I’m less rushed because I give myself buffer time.

 

I don’t know. In general it makes me more aware. More present. I like it. I like being aware of the changes in myself both physically and spiritually, and while I know that there isn’t anything inherently spiritual about coconut oil, the process of making time for myself is. The intention behind it is to honor myself, and that feeds something inside of my spiritual self and I like the way that makes me feel, so I think I’m going to keep doing it.

 

Long tangent…

 

After doing that… I don’t know what to call it since, “rubbing down” just sounds crude, I actually broke out the yoga mat and did yoga in the dinning room / kitchen. The space for the kitchen and dinning room in our apartment is really just one giant room, and with how I have rearranged things there’s a large, open section in the middle now, right in front of the window.

 

It’s almost the perfect yoga area. It helps that the flooring is wood rather than carpet. I did a 25 minute hatha flow focusing on hips which helped release the tightness in my hamstrings and hip flexors. I wasn’t surprised the downward dogs started off rough for me. My arms were actually shaking in the beginning as my body protested to being used.

 

Body: What happened that nap you were thinking about? This totally isn’t a nap…

 

As my muscles warmed up, loosened up, I was able to hold the postures better, stronger, longer. I’m glad I took the time to do the flow. It might be another thing I add into my days. Shower, oil, yoga, bike to work.

 

The ride to work was super nice. Warm. Bright. I was already limber and ready for the ride so my legs didn’t have such a rough transition from going zero to hero.

 

I made it to work about an hour early which let me sit alone in the break room checking my work and personal email, eating my tuna and drinking my gatorade and water. I sent my message to my instructor after reading the feedback I got from Marie. The message is below. I think it came out well, and I think I can actually have this meeting without breaking down or being an emotional wreck.

 

Hello Mr. Instructor,

I am Jennifer Conley, [insert student number here], and currently a student in your Digital Publishing class online via the Faculty Scholarship Program.

I firstly would like to take a moment to apologize. It was never my intention to plagiarize. As a fellow professional I understand the consequences of such actions. My motive for using the Publix brand was to create a new product within an already established theme. After reading the rubric I felt I would lose the points for creativity since the logo was not original. The product for peppermint extract itself does not exist, however, and because of this I felt the design would be original enough to fulfill the assignment.

I do not wish to escalate the situation further and would like to continue participating in your class. I understand and empathize for the position I put you in, and I accept the grade I was given.

I am saddened, and concerned, this assignment may have damaged your opinion of me as a student, co-worker, and fellow professional, and would greatly appreciate the opportunity to meet with you in person to discuss the matter. I am available to meet before 5pm any day until the end of the March term. Please let me know if there is a time which works best for you.

Again, I apologize for creating this situation.

Sincerely,

[insert work signature with bunch of information about the classes I teach]

 

I haven’t gotten a reply yet, but I’m hopeful that things will go well.

 

I signed up for some classes being offered during the spring break training and made events for them on my Google calendar. I actually did a bit of that yesterday, too, but that was after I wrote my blog I’m pretty sure.

 

So yeah. Spring break is in two weeks. Students actually get time off, but faculty doesn’t. Instead we have a bunch of mandatory stuff we have to do, but there’s also a handful instructor run training events I want to go to. One of them is about cycling, for fun and for work. Not sure why I would be interested in that at all… Who would want to bike to work?

 

There’s another event about E3 (essentials employment experience), which is a behavioral profiling tool. I’ve taken the test twice already. Once for fun. Well… not really “fun”, but my definition for fun is different than most people, so I classify it as fun even though it would most likely fit better into a “initial research and testing” category.

 

Basically I was a guinea pig, and to me it was fun.

 

When I was signing my paper work at the start of my second degree the E3 test somehow came up in conversation and I was offered to take the test, which was something new the Factually Development department was trying out. I think we were talking about the MBTI and that lead to E3 since both those tests are related.

 

I had to recently take the test again as part of the application process for the Woman’s Initiative. I haven’t compared my scores, but I’m pretty sure I have the same profile. Points in different areas may be higher or lower, but I don’t think my over all profile changed. Now I’m interested and will add that to my to-do list for this week.

 

I find things like the MBTI and E3 and behavioral science super fascinating stuff, so I thought the course being offered during the spring break training would be interesting to take. I’m looking forward to both the cycling and E3 classes. The mandatory training… not so much… but maybe that’s because I’m still disenchanted with the changes being made to the curriculum and the mandatory training is focused on those changes.

 

Maybe it will have the desired affect and re-motivate me, removing my resistance to the changes being made. Maybe this training will alleviate the feeling that these changes are awful and destroying the program that I was once a student in. A program I used to be a proud graduate of. A program that I am currently an instructor in, but an instructor who no longer feels like this is a worthy cause. An instructor who feels like she’s on a sinking ship that is determined to crash and burn… so maybe it’s a plane instead of a ship… either way, it’s hard to feel like what I do is worth it sometimes. And all of the recent changes in my opinion haven’t been well received by students, and haven’t improved the quality of the program. If anything I feel the quality has been lowered, but that is just my narrow exposure to the changes so far. All of these changes are still new and being tweaked per course.

 

I’m sure the school, the program, will find its rhythm again, but right now we as faculty, as a program, as a school, are stumbling. The students know it. We know it. Everyone knows that this roll out has sucked. Massive, hardcore, suckage.

 

On top of that we’re still understaffed, overworked, and unsupported.

 

But… Even with all of that being said, even with my anger and disappointment in my school at the moment…  we now have a full sized fridge in the break room. So maybe all I need to do is keep fighting, pushing, demanding that my co-workers and myself be treated right. Maybe I need to just not give up in order for things to get better. Maybe I shouldn’t just “take it”. Maybe I shouldn’t just go with it and focus on my escape plan.

 

Yes this is technically a company, but that doesn’t mean we, my co-workers and myself, are cogs that can be used until worn out and then replaced. It doesn’t mean we’re robots. We’re people, and I think certain aspects of the school has forgotten that. I think some of my own co-workers have forgotten that they are more than their job and the BS that goes on here. We need things otherwise we burnout and things feel pointless and we become unhappy. Maybe my last crusade here can be to make the environment healthy again rather than letting the school crush what once was such a wonderful and motivating thing.

 

I used to love being here, and I think I lost sight of that for a while.There’s no reason I can’t still enjoy it. I just have to find that passion again. And maybe this mandatory training will help with it. Maybe once the change over actually reaches my class I will see the full benefits. I’ll see the positives rather than only the negatives.

 

It’s still a “wait and see” type of thing. But at the moment I am hopeful. Maybe part of it is being ok with myself again and not being consumed by the depression I was feeling from the chaos of the apartment. I think it helps that Zane and I haven’t had a fight in a while. And the fights we have had have been resolved, leaving us in a better, more solid position than we were before.

 

All in all, I’m feeling good. I’m moving forward. I have issues that I have plans of action for. It’s summer and warm and that’s feeding into these feelings of energy and movement.

 

I’ll end this for now so I can get to work on my homework. Good day so far with good energy. I’m hoping to keep it going for a while. It would be nice to have a few good days in a row. Maybe even a few good weeks.