Today turned into a surprisingly good day.
I was supposed to meet with my younger brother, an event I was actually having hardcore anxiety over. Those plans ended up falling through…
Canceled plans = introvert’s wet dream
I didn’t go to class yesterday due to the day being a “hard” day. I still have them. It’s still under the four-month mark. I’m allowed to have them, “hard” days, and I know no one has told me otherwise. I’m more typing that as affirmation for myself.
But yeah, yesterday was really hard and lame, and when I actually got around to taking a shower at 4pm in the afternoon that simple action alone hurt so much that I ended up crying through most of it. I didn’t eat until close to 7pm because going out into the world to find food seemed overwhelming. The thought I kept having was all of it was pointless. Mom isn’t here anymore so why do it? Why shower? Why eat? She won’t be here for her birthday. How can I do anything when I don’t know how I’m going to make it past Thursday?
I did shower though, even though it was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in a while. I did go out and spent time with Randy and Em, which helped. I hepled to paint a little which gave my brain something to do. I got to spend some time with Scarlet and got cat cuddles into my day. I talked to Mother Earth and Josh which continued to help, and by the end of the night the overwhelming depression I was feeling had eased over and morphed back into the sad acceptance I have learned to breathe through. I wasn’t “happy” but I knew I could keep going. I’m still loved and supported and mom is still with me, just in a different way.
Even though I missed class yesterday I was able to catch back up easily today. Today’s class started touching on procedures I did while helping to care for mom in the hospital. It was different enough that I didn’t fully flash back to those situations, but similar enough that I had to confront some of the emotions. Inside my head I kept saying, “You aren’t mom. You are Maria. You are my classmate. You ARE NOT mom.”
Saying those words while I did the procedures helped me keep the emotions in check.
I got a lot figured out with the phone plan and the apartment. I don’t want to say anything further on the topics, but I’m hoping for everything to be resolved by the weekend.
I got to have conversations with some really amazing people in my life, all of who said they were proud of me and happy with the way things were turning out. Jason, Mother Earth, Warren #1, Chrys, Em, Sir.
I got to tell Jason about Jon’s email to me. I found out more information about mom’s estate and what’s going on with that. Everything should be finalized within the next two months.
I went to the gym and ran, which I haven’t done since getting back from Vegas last Monday. I did pretty well, though I had to cut it short since I got to the gym pretty late. I got some upper body work in. Overall it was a light workout, but I’m happy with it. I could have just stayed in my room and not gone at all.
I got to make plans for tomorrow. The 28th. Mom’s birthday. I had imagined tomorrow would be hard. And I’m sure in some ways it will be still, but there are enough things to make it positive that I think I’ll be ok.
In class we’re going to be covering how to dress a patient and how to change an occupied bed. Both of those things were things I did with mom. Both of those things are important actions for me. To be honest, they are the procedures I’ve been worried about, fearing, the most. I know those actions are going to be hard for me to perform. It’s going to be the first time doing them since being at the hospital. It actually means a lot that I’ll be demonstrating those skills on mom’s birthday. Maybe it will be cathartic for me. That’s what I’m hoping for at least.
I want to do those things as a way to honor mom. As a way to show her that I’m still moving forward. That I’m trying to come to terms with her loss. That I’m still trying to help people. That I’m not letting my sadness control me and limit the things I’m able to do. I think that would make her happy. I think that’s the best birthday present I could give her.
I’m not going to stay at home tomorrow. I’m not going to skip class. I’m going to go. I’m going to confront whatever emotions I feel. My classmates and instructor know about my situation and I know they will be supportive and help me through it. And I know even if I cry during my turn that no one is going to judge me. They’ll let me cry, or walk away, or do whatever I need to do, and when I’m ready they’ll let me try again. They’ll let me try until I get through it, and that means a lot to me.
After class I have plans with Em. We’re going to go spend the day at the cold springs, something we’ve talked about doing for at least a month now. It’s her day off so we have no time limit. We’re going to stop and do lunch on the way there. We’ll most likely catch Pokemon while we walk the trails around the springs. We’ll be out in nature instead of inside. I won’t be alone in my room with only my thoughts to tear me to pieces. I’ll be around someone who will listen to me if I need to talk. Hug me if I cry. And laugh with me after the sadness passes.
I had thought today would be awful. I had thought tomorrow would be one of the hardest days for me to get through since mom died. I think the Universe, Mom, is helping me, and I’m grateful for it. I had thought I was going to get taken under by a giant wave of total bat-shit insane nonsense that is my life. But a lot of things are working out. A lot of things are starting to make sense. I’m starting to see the dots and how to connect them so things work out in a way that benefits me and those I care about.
Yesterday my grief was loneliness, confusion, hurt, and an almost unbearable feeling of weight.
Today my grief is gratefulness, sadness, relief, acceptance, and determination.
I’m a warrior. I will win. It will be hard. It will be worth it.
I’m actually looking forward to tomorrow, mom. I’ll make you proud. I’ll get through it. I’ll wake up and shower and go to kickboxing and have breakfast and go to class. And afterward, after I fight what will be one of the hardest battles emotionally that I’ve had to fight since losing you, I’m going to go enjoy the day like how you would want me to, by doing something that will make me happy.
I love you, mom. Thank you for looking out for me.