Post 0071: Weekly Recap – Thankful

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So this past week was pretty awesome and chill.

Due to Thanksgiving, I had most of the week to myself, which has led to a lot of reflection and decompression. Both of which I think were greatly needed.

I was able to spend Thanksgiving with Frank and his family. With all of my down time I was able to reflect and figure out some of the emotional baggage I need to sort through.

I identified where some of my hang ups are with life and my feeling of disconnection and isolation.

So I feel on a spiritual level I have made progress to become a cleaner, healthier me.

I still need to map out my goals for the next few years so I have a road map. I feel that I’ve been putting that off for a while now. About a week. It has been a reoccurring task on my to-do list, so it is starting to weigh on me.

Once it is done I know I will feel better about it.

I was able to finish two books this week, which completed a book series for me. The first one I have finished in five years; since I moved down to Florida for school. it’s sort of sad realizing that.

I used to read five books a month when I lived at home. Reading was like breathing for me. I’m glad that I have been taking the time to read… listen (stupid audio books making things confusing) to books again.

I like how I can cross stitch and read at the same time. It lets me indulge both of my passions, instead of having to pick between one or the other.

I still haven’t heard anything back from Jarrett or Mr. D about paying the balances for the Internet and power accounts. Jarrett messaged me asking if Mr. had messaged me. I replied with both of them haven’t told me anything, and that I was sort of in the dark. If they could let me know what was going on it would be appreciated.

Of course I got no response to that. So frustrating. But I am used to it now. It is water, and I will let it roll off of me.

I got to talk to my mom, and she helped me figure out a lot of my emotional / mental hang ups… Because that’s a mom super power.

I got Seth’s heat lamp, finally, figured out. He’s basking under it being all snake like. ❤

I got a few new shirts for the winter season.

I actually ran into Tyrone, one of the instructors that I got a card for the other night. He gave me a big hug and said that he super appreciated his card. I’m glad that it made him happy.

I also wrote a few posts for the daily prompts. I like most of them. They make you stop and think about things you normally wouldn’t, which I guess is the whole point.

All in all, not a super crazy week.

I feel I made more progress internally than in my external world, but I think I needed that. Not all of it was fun, but I’m thankful for the time I was given to be reflective, and I’m thankful for this blog and the people in my life for helping me to figure myself out.

So another week survived with it’s own set of obstacles and achievements.

One more week and I’m on vacation for a month. : D

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Post 0070: Fiery Morning

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Well… if you read my last post, you probably know I’m full for fire right now. Like, ‘I can’t sit still or I’ll destroy something’ sort of fire.

Anger, burning in my soul, and not simply for myself. Anger because I know I’m not the only person who feels this way. I’m not the only introvert who feels caged or looked down on.

Society can be a wonderful, caring thing, but it can also be cruel and biased.

I’ll be fine once I get this energy out. Promise. And writing helps, so yeah. No need to worry about me jumping the first extrovert to greets me and destroying their world.

Yesterday was nice and relaxing again.

I finished off the last book in the Percy Jackson series. I can’t say it was my favorite series. But for a young adult book it wasn’t bad. It was a cute read… err listen?

I’m going to start the Hunger Games next I think.

I’m very close to being done with my cousin’s cross stitch.

I would have finished it yesterday but Frank ended up messaging me. He and Natalie were playing WoW so I ended up playing with them.

First I went to the gym, so at least there was that. I might have been a slacker, but I was a healthy slacker! : D

I biked 10 miles and then did some yoga. I got to the gym super late, so I didn’t have time to shower before they closed. I had to come home to do that. Which wasn’t a bad thing.

After I dried off I put on one of my new shirts and wore it to school. The Internet has been acting finicky at the apartment, and with Joshua playing one of his games, I didn’t want to have to fight for bandwidth.

So I got dressed and headed to school to play with Frank.

I guess that’s one of my quirks. If I get something new, I don’t feel comfortable with it. I have to get used to it. Like with my Mazda 2. For the first week that I had it, it really didn’t feel like ‘mine’.

I didn’t dislike the car, but I didn’t know if I really liked it either. I needed time to figure it out. And with each passing day I love my car more and more.

The same is true for my cloths. Until I wear them a few times I don’t feel comfortable in them. I don’t feel like they are really ‘mine’.

So wearing one of the new shirts to school and just hanging out there being casual was a good thing. I wore the red top because I wanted a strength color. Red is the root chakra, stability. It felt good to wear it.

And it was perfect at school. Since it was a Saturday night, no one was in the break room. So I was able to enjoy myself without disturbing anyone, or worrying about them disturbing me.

Just me and a bubble of aloneness.

I ended up getting to level 15 on a human mage. They’re on a PVE server, and we now have a guild called “Agents of Apathy”. I love it.

We were trying to get “Hates You”, but it was already taken. So lame.

Anyway, it was a really good night. The only down side was I didn’t watch any of the tutorials I had tentatively planned to do, or finish my project.

I liked that I was social instead though. It reminded me a lot of the ‘old days’ where I would play WoW with my first boyfriend, or my two closest friends. Questing and chatting through VoiP.

I came home around 2am and passed out.

I’ve had my coffee, though I might have a second cup. And I’ve had breakfast and my vitamin. Today I’m going to be doing most of my chores and cooking.

In one week, literally seven days, I leave to go home for the holiday break. I’m getting stoked about it. I already have a list going of things I need to remember to pack. I want to see my mom again. I want to hug my brothers.

Thinking about seeing them fills me with warmth and love, and makes my eyes burn. Stupid emotions always having to manifest themselves as tears. HSP issues…

“Why are you crying? I thought you were mad at me?”

“I am mad at you! I’ve killed you 9 different ways inside of my head.!”

“Then… why are you crying?”

“Gah!!!!! I kill you!”

Anyway…

I might go to the gym again today and row. I’m trying to avoid running to give my shins some time to heal up. Since it’s Sunday there aren’t many classes going on, though there is a power yoga class at 1pm I could go to. We’ll see.

But as for the majority of my day. Cleaning, prepping for the coming week, and I want to block off at least 4 hours to devote to school.

After that I can give myself over, guilt free, to the void that is WoW.

Post 0069: Daily Prompt – Winning Streak

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 “What’s the longest stretch you’ve ever pulled off of posting daily to your blog? What did you learn about blogging through that achievement, and what made you break the streak?”

So this is going to get a bit heated / passionate. Just fair warning for those looking for a warm, fuzzy, ‘feel good’ post. You might want to look elsewhere as I berate society. : D

/ start rant

I honestly don’t know what my longest streak is. The only way I would keep up with something like that is if I randomly got an achievement for it.

Now that I think about it, I’m sure there’s some way to find out through the dashboard, but that seems like a waste of time and energy to me.

Who cares how many posts you’ve made in a row?

I don’t write because I need a ‘winning streak’. And to be honest, the thought of adding an achievement to posting consistently, to me, cheapens the meaning of posting.

I’m not doing it for a ‘winning streak’. I’m not posting to have new content for the people to follow me or to appease the masses.

I’m posting for myself. Because it gives me fulfillment and because when I post it means something to me. There is a purpose to it.

Sometimes I’m awake for 38 hours at a time. Sometimes I have bad days. Sometimes I don’t want to say anything, or feel connected to anything / anyone.

If I forced myself to write in a situation like that merely to keep my ‘streak’ going, the tone would most likely be something like, “I hate the world. It should fall over and burn, quietly, to ashes, and if I’m disturbed while it meets its righteously earned demise, hell hath no fury…”

Somehow I don’t think many people would like reading a post saturated in the tone of, “F#ck off”.

I would gain nothing from posting when I’m tired, or when I’m angry, or when I need to be reflective and have not progressed to the stage of writing.

There are sometimes where not writing is the better option.

Which brings me to my whole issue with this concept of ‘winning streak’.

Why should not writing be a bad thing? Why is not writing breaking a ‘winning streak’?

Why is not writing ‘losing’?

I write when I feel I have something to write about. When my mind needs the keyboard to let the thoughts and emotions out.

The INFJ in me feels like I should apologize for that. That I should be sorry that sometimes I don’t want to write, or be social. That I should be sorry that most of the time I prefer to be alone and quiet, thinking and wandering through my head rather than being talkative.

But I’m not going to apologize.

Maybe I’m reading too far into the title of the post. I know nothing negative was meant by ‘winning streak’. But it makes me sort of angry.

No… not sort of. It makes me full on angry. It makes me frustrated. It reminds me of our cultural biases. It makes me want to reach through the computer and punch the title until I can’t punch anymore, and then punch it a few more time just to rub salt in the wound.

It reminds me how our society caters to the extrovert ideal. How we have to talk, show, produce to be seen as the ‘winner’.

Not all of us want to make small talk. Not all of us want to make a random post about nothing simply to say that we posted. To keep the streak going.

That’s useless babble. That does nothing to benefit anyone.

It’s like a filler episode in a show.

It leaves you feeling like you wasted your time. Nothing new was learned or gained. Nothing progressed.

The only thing that happened was minutes, sometimes hours, of your life were wasted and you will never be able to get them back.

They were wasted away because you thought what you were doing would be a good investment of your time, only to be tricked by someone else’s need to ‘win’.

Sometimes silence is golden. It makes you appreciate when something is truly said.

I try to post everyday. I do my best to honor myself, and my need for reflection, by writing.

But I’m not going to be sorry that I have a life, and that living it is more important to me than catering to the extrovert ideal of having a ‘winning streak’.

I’m not going to be sorry for being an introvert.

I’m not going to be sorry for having priorities that don’t revolve around posting to a virtual page that I will never be able to physically touch.

I’m not going to be sorry for being myself in a world that has tried for years to convince me that my quiet, reflective nature was ‘anti-social behavior’ and something that needed to be corrected.

I’ll post when I want, about what I want, and society can take its concept of a ‘winning streak’ and shove it.

Some times I want to be quiet. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t make me a loser. It doesn’t mean I fall short of something.

It means when I post I actually have something of substance to say that isn’t a waste of time.

This whole thing reminds me of a quote about introverts I recently found through Ally, in her post, “A great article”.

“I might not light up the room, but I change the world.”

So while the rest of the world is obsessing over its ‘winning streak’, I’ll be over here in my corner, quiet, thinking, planning.

And when I quietly clear my throat and get everyone’s attention, the world will be awe struck by the countless amazing accomplishments I am able to achieve because I realized I could do better things with my time other than make useless small talk.

/ end rant

*No extroverts were harmed in the writing of this post*

Post 0068: I’m ok with boring

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I meant to write last night.

It was actually pretty perfect timing. I finished a section of my cross stitch right as a chapter ended in my book. I was going to write before scooping up Scarlet and going to sleep, since it was around two in the morning.

Scarlet had other ideas, though.

She got up and stretched, then crawled into my lap, across my laptop, and made herself comfy, along with making it impossible for me to type. Two birds with one stone. Cat logic.

It made me realize that my time with her is limited, and I couldn’t bring myself to make her move. She was purring, and so content that I just petted her.

Her recent vet visit was sobering. I’ve had her for 15 years. Bonnie was 18 when she passed. And if we’re being honest, the average lifespan of domestic cats is roughly 15 years, so that’s an even more sobering fact.

It makes me realize how all of my little interactions with Scarlet, like when she’s super annoying, and keeping me from writing, are precious, because one day she won’t be here to do that.

Sorry if those seem like super depressing thoughts. It’s where my mind went last night. And for me they aren’t really depressing or sad. I mean, I feel pain at the thought of losing her. But that is life. That’s a fact.

One day I will wake up and she won’t.

It’s realistic. Neither good nor bad. It simply is. It exists and ignoring it, or being angry about it won’t change anything.

I know that day will be hard. Insanely hard. And I know I will need the strength of those closest to me.

But it will hurt because I have so many good memories. It will hurt because I she is my baby, because I love her, and love is a beautiful thing.

I don’t know if I’m making any sense.

Because my time is limited I value and cherish all of the moments I have with her.

So, since Scarlet wanted cuddle time last night writing got pushed off until this morning. Sorry Internet, the cat had spoken.

Yesterday was a really nice, slow day. Some might call it boring, but I’m ok with that. There was no rushing, no fires to put out, no demands. And I still got a bunch of stuff done. In my book it was great.

I spent a fair amount of time catching up on WordPress. Several of the blogs I follow had new posts that I hadn’t kept up with because I’m a slacker. I read through all of them, and commented on several. I also wrote a few posts of my own.

After that I figured out my meals for the week. Since I travel back home Sunday (which I totally can’t wait for) I only needed to figure out my next six days. I made up my shopping list, showered and headed out to get all of my shopping done.

I hadn’t eaten since cooking breakfast around 8ish, and it was already pushing 3pm, so I stopped by Publix for a treat. Sushi. : D

I had half of it while I sat in the parking lot listening to my music. That used to be a tradition that I stopped doing once I moved out of the apartment with Jarrett. When ever I went grocery shopping I would get a sushi tray with a Bolt House drink. Sort of like a reward for going out and dealing with people and not killing anyone in the process.

Normally I get the mocha coffee one, but since Publix didn’t seem to have that flavor stocked at the moment I got the Green Goddess instead.

It made me think of my Mother Earth since that’s her favorite flavor. It also made me feel good to be doing something so familiar, going back to a routine.

Once I had eaten I went to the pet store to figure out Seth’s heat lamp. I got a ceramic bulb, and returned the UV bulb and heat lamp that I had gotten earlier in the week. The guys were super nice about me returning everything.

After that I went to Walmart. I was only going to pick up some burgers, but I ended up doing all of my grocery shopping there.

There was a bunch of clearance racks still, so I poked through those and got three new long sleeve shirts. One black, one a darker teal, and one a red. I really like all three of them, and they are more girly than the t-shirts I normally toss on. They’re also solid colors, no designs or anything flashing / frilly.

I think I’ll be really comfortable wearing them even though they are a bit more feminine.

Surprisingly there was literally no line when I went to check out. No line… on Black Friday… Twilight Zone much?

The cashier was really nice and said that it has been a slow day actually.

After I got done there I ate the rest of the sushi tray and went home to put the groceries away. I changed back into my pjs, made a nest on the couch, and hunkered down to listen to my book and cross stitch.

After a few hours Joshua and Susan came out to cook dinner. We talked for a while until they went back into Joshua’s room. At that point I realized I was hungry and that eating might be a good idea.

I ended up ordering General Tso’s chicken and some broccoli from a Chinese place really close to my apartment. I had to run out to get sliced cheese anyway so adding ‘pick up dinner’ to the to-do list made it worth getting changed into presentable cloths again.

I had forgotten to write down cheese on the list for the burgers, so I naturally I didn’t buy it while I was at the store earlier.

It worked out really well though since the Chinese place is in the same plaza as another grocery store I was able to run in real quick and pick up my last item before getting dinner. Success!

I came back home, ate and kept on stitching. I only have a handful of chapters left in my book, and the story is getting interesting.

I’m over halfway done with my new cross stitch. I am not sure if I’ll get through the rest of it today. If I do, it most likely will happen later in the evening.

At the moment I don’t really have anything hardcore planned for today. Much like yesterday. And again, I’m cool with that.

Post 0067: Daily Promt – Leftovers Sandwich

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“Publish a post based on unused material from a previous piece –a paragraph you nixed, a link you didn’t include, a photo you decided not to use. “

Blogging is sort of like my meal planning, only reversed.

I plan out my meals on Friday each week, figuring out what I will be cooking, what I need to pick up from the store, what I’m going to have as snacks, should I get a sweet treat or not. It’s all written down and mapped out so I can survive the coming journey of my week, making sure my rations will last.

On Saturday I go shopping. I think of it like going to market. It’s an event, my social day. I do as much of my venturing that day as possible, making sure I pick up everything I need, and only getting what is needed.

It has to be on the list. If it’s not, then it doesn’t get bought.

Trust me, it took a while to gain the self discipline to adhere to that rule, and I still slip up sometimes…

“I have no idea how that egg nog magically got into my cart… Hmm… well since I’m already in check out I might as well buy it…”

Sunday I try to do most of my cooking. That way when I need to pack for work, I just pull out the containers for that day and put them into my lunchbox. When I come home the containers go into the dishwasher. No need to worry about cooking or cleaning since I’m normally tired from my day. The hard stuff is taken care of.

With this system that I have build for myself, I really don’t have left overs. Everything is accounted for. Everything is used.

I blog in much the same way.

I have my daily writings where I muse, ponder, and reflect on my day. They tend to be introspective and free form. Sometimes they ramble and are long winded. Sometimes they’re super short because I’m tired.

But just like I need to eat everyday to sustain my body, I must also feed my spirit, and writing is a form of nutrition for my soul, so I try to write at least once everyday.

I have my weekly recaps where I look back at all of those daily writings and sort of analyze my week. Was it good? Bad? What did I get done? Am I happy with what I learned? Am I feeling fulfilled? Were there any accomplishments? Obstacles?

I look at everything as a whole. Did I do the best I could with my resources, my time, my energy? If not where can I improve for next week?

And then there are the odd posts. Things like the daily prompts, or my ‘Dragon Horde’ posts; pictures of projects I was able to finish. I guess those can sort of be like the treats, or the times I go out ad hoc with friends to lunch.

I didn’t plan for those posts, but it seemed like a worthwhile investment of my time, so I have no regrets over it.

Very rarely do I end up with ‘extra’. There isn’t anything left hanging around in the fridge or in my mind. Nothing hoping to be worthy enough of being used, nothing sitting around wondering if it’s going to be tossed into the trashcan because it wasn’t good enough.

I use everything that I have, because everything has a purpose.

Post 0066: Post Thanksgiving

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I feel awake today. Which may sound silly since I’m siting in front of the computer. Of course I’m awake, how else would I be typing?

I guess I mean it more on an energy and spirit level.

I’m a little groggy, most likely from the little bit of drinking that I did last night, but as a whole I feel good I think.

Maybe good isn’t the right word because that implies something positive. Like some event has happened which causes feelings of elation or happiness. And really that’s not what I’m feeling.

I feel alive. I am starting to feel like I have purpose again. I don’t feel the emotional heaviness that I have been. I don’t think it is fully gone. But some of those boxes inside of me are lighter and less dusty.

Some of them are more organized, and others are condensed down so much that their original box was able to be thrown out, freeing up more space for something else.

I spent yesterday morning alone, and it was actually pretty awesome.

I got through all of my tutorials for my current class and even completed the exam assignment, so literally all my work is done for the moment, school and work wise.

It is a weird feeling knowing that I could do nothing, absolutely nothing, for the next three days and nothing in those areas in my life would be affected. Nothing would catch on fire and burn me as it ruined my life.

Not having hardcore obligations lets me feel free. It lets me think of all the things I could do. It lets me think of possibilities and ideas.

It lets me go into my inner world of thoughts. And eventually, when I am ready, I will bring my thoughts into reality.

So with the whole day stretched out before me, I have my to-do list already forming in my head.

I was really happy with myself for how quickly I was able to get through my Exam assignment. I guess I’m not as much as a noob as I thought I was in Photoshop.

It was still fairly early when I got done with the assignment. I wasn’t supposed to show up to Frank’s house until 2. So I sat with Scarlet on the couch and cross stitched while listening to the last Percy Jackson book.

I also figured out how to get the U2 songs off of my phone. I guess Apple had a deal with the band to push their new CD to every ‘i’ device in existence. Which is cool, but I didn’t know how to get those stupid songs off my phone.

Deleting them didn’t remove them from the cloud, so my phone could still ‘see’ them. Not cool. They were intruding into my space and the only retribution was death by deletion.

So I figured that out after some snooping around online, because of course there wasn’t an easy ‘delete me’ option.

I’m glad I was able to figure it out. Made me feel techy. : 3

After about an hour of stitching I got ready. All showered and dressed. Casual nice. Like casual Sunday cloths. So I wasn’t too awkward feeling. It as stuff that I’ve worn to work before. It helped me feel more relaxed about the idea of meeting new people in a new place.

I got there about 2:10, so a little late, but it was ok.

Not sure if I wrote about it, but Frank had called me Wednesday after we were texting back and forth a bit about the event. I said that it would make me feel better to bring something. That it meant a lot that he was letting spend the day with him and his family and that I wanted to help contribute instead of being a mooch.

He said that really they had everything covered food wise, but if I wanted to bring a dessert that would be fine. A little later he said that his wife hadn’t bought drinks yet. So if I really wanted, I could be in charge of the sodas.

Score. Totally on it.

So yeah, I ended up getting all of the drinks for Thanksgiving, which made me feel good.

I was able to find the house fine. And Frank, one of his sisters, and his wife were standing outside by the grill (Frank grilled the turkey which was amazing), so I didn’t have to awkwardly ring the doorbell or anything.

They were super nice and greeted me warmly, ushering me inside with the drinks. Most everyone was already sitting around the table, so I wasn’t bombarded with people right when we walked in. I slowly got introduced to everyone before I sat, and true to his word Frank had made me a little nametag to go in front of my plate.

I was sitting next to Frank’s wife at one end of the table, which put me pretty far from Frank, but we seemed to get alone ok. We’re both introverted so we didn’t warm up to each other right away. It took most of the day, but I didn’t feel put off by her, so it wasn’t awkward.

I thought maybe it would be. I thought maybe she would think of me as the ‘young co-worker turned home wrecker,’ and feel threatened. That maybe it wasn’t a mutual thing. Maybe Frank, knowing me better had convinced his wife to let a stranger come over, but it wasn’t something she had really wanted.

There were so many ways that yesterday could have been bad. But it wasn’t.

Natalie, Frank’s wife, and I chatted with her sister since we were sitting close to one another. I was able to stay part of the conversations, and I got along with everyone there.

Frank’s dad is from New York, and you can so tell. But even he was nice in his own charming, if slightly abrasive, sort of way.

I was able to talk to my mom later in the evening, which made me feel really good.

She had cooked a turkey and took it into her work. She’s an RN so I had thought she would opt to work yesterday for the shift bonus. But nope, she had the day off, but still went in to be part of the pot luck with her friends.

That made me happy, knowing that no one in my family was spending the day alone. John is snowboarding with some friends in Austria, Jason has Lio and Jace, Mom has all of her work buddies, and I was with Frank and his family.

I talked to my mom about going to the park and what I was feeling. I told her about not feeling any connection to Florida and how I have been feeling down and sort of lost.

We talked about the classes I’m taking, and how for her it’s about knowing that there’s an end insight.

Which is what sort of made me realize the true issue. I know there is an end. I know I will graduate with a new degree in three years, and I know that I will most likely stay at my school due to my contract for three years after that, working on an additional degree for free.

So eventually, when I leave, I will have 3 degrees out of the five that I want. And only one of them I would have paid for. I’ve thought this through. I feel like I know what I’m doing in that regard.

It’s the afterwards that I don’t know about. What am I going to do after that? What is my long-term plan?

I don’t have an end in site for that. All of my goals feel very frail when held up against a vast void of nothing stretching on for the rest of my life.

So that’s where my disconnect now.

I know I want to be closer to family and friends. But career wise, what would I do once I moved? That is what I need to poke around at now.

I feel more confident in my choice to stay in Florida. I know that for right now, this is where I still need to be. And feeling like I’m supposed to be here makes it easier too be away from the important people in my life.

It’s not for forever, it’s for right now.

It’s so odd how a mind set changes everything.

The more I think about it, the more I think I would be happiest in Texas. I know a lot can change in six years, but I think being in Vegas would be a bit ‘too close’ to family. Texas would put me close, but still give me breathing room.

I would be able to be near Sammie and Josh. Which I think is where I really want to be.

That doesn’t solve the question of what I would be doing once I moved.

I like the idea of teaching high school. I’m pretty sure to do that I would have to have an actual degree in teaching, which I don’t have. So after school I might have more school… That is a bit far off though, so I suppose I will look at that in a few years. But it’s nice to have it on the back burner.

I feel like I’m working towards something again. It’s a good feeling.

Mom always has a way of helping me figure myself out.

As the night wore down Frank’s family started leaving until it was just him, his wife, and his two kids. Aj is 8, and Miranda is 4.

They ended up falling asleep watching The Magic School Bus, which left us adults free to talk about games like Divinity, World of Warcraft, Guild Wars 2, Final Fantasy 14 and 11, Skyrim, and so many others.

It was good conversation.

We talked about work, school; the whole gambit.

We had a few drinks and played Cards Against Humanity. We didn’t so much ‘play’ as much as we flipped black cards over and just laid our cards down. We didn’t even really read any of them out loud. Just cracked up at how horrible some of our combinations were.

It was such an awesome night, and they extended the offer to come over whenever I wanted, that they loved my company.

Natalie and I seemed to connected pretty well once we both opened up. Really that wasn’t until everyone left and the kids were settled down. Being the hostess, she had her hands full, and I tried to help out as much as I could.

I was able to help clear the table and put some of the food away. I think if I had been a closer family friend she would have let me do more, but I was grateful for the few tasks she delegated to me.

It helped make me feel like I was part of the group, like I was doing my share.

So yeah, once she could finally settle down and not worry about running the day we were able to really talk one on one.

I got home around midnight. I was given leftovers, which were super tasty. I listened to another chapter in my book while stitching to unwind and then crawled into bed with Scarlet.

I slept really deep. Restorative is what it felt like. And now I’m awake and ready for today.

I feel ready for the coming week and the labs that I’ll have.

I know it is Black Friday, and I really don’t want to go out, but sadly I need to.

I ran out of coffee creamer yesterday morning, and though I have survived this morning with green tea, I know tomorrow isn’t going to be pretty if I don’t fix this issue. I also want to return the bulb for Seth’s heat lamp.

That’s a higher priority than the coffee creamer, but they’re both pretty up there.

Other than that, I don’t have much planned. Listening to my book and stitching. If I get tired of that, then some Photoshop tutorials.

I have an idea for some tutorials for the SAL class as well as a few podcasts for my own class. I may get the scene files set up for those projects if I get frisky, but I think I’ll save most of that for tomorrow and Sunday.

I’m really looking forward to the next three days, and just basking in the feeling of existing and recharging.

For as crazy as everything has been with work for the past four to six months, I’m sort of glad for the down time.

Post 0065: Random Ramblings v2.0

Standard

It’s already 3pm and I have nothing to show for today. And I really am ok with that. But I feel like I shouldn’t be. I shouldn’t be feeling at peace right now.

I shouldn’t be in gym shorts and a workout top sitting on top of a park picnic table, laptop sitting on my crossed legs with the cold, post rain wind blowing against my uncovered arms and legs. I shouldn’t be eating a burger from McDonalds as I sit soaking in the winter sun, drinking a sweet tea instead of water.

I shouldn’t be sitting here writing, listening to music through my phone since the park doesn’t have wifi.

I shouldn’t be feeling this connection, calmness, stillness.

I should be feeling guilty that I haven’t posted my assignment yet. I should be at work watching tutorials about Photoshop so I can get a jump-start on my new class. I should be doing something. Something else. Something that will produce tangible results.

But I don’t want to do anything. I like that I’m sitting here being anti-social. I like that the wind is cold and that I can feel it.

I felt caged all morning, as nice as it was to stay inside. I opened the screen door and let the air in, cool, bracing. I cuddled with Scarlet on the couch and just listened to the wind and the gentle patter of rain as it fell against the ground, the windows.

It’s a cool, damp, winter day, with just the barest brush of warmth, and I love it.

I have this song on repeat, “Medusa” by GEMS. I don’t know why, just something about the rhythm calls to me. I feel it in my chest. I’ve been listening to it for a few days now.

I am reflective right now. I still feel alone. I still sort of fell caged even though I have the vast expanse of a field in front of me. Even though I have the sky above me stretching on for forever. I feel trapped inside my own skin.

How can you be at peace and still rage?

I’m not sure, but I’m managing to pull it off.

This is one of the times where even if I had friends around to hang out with I would quarantine myself. I feel I am volatile. I don’t know what I’m feeling, and to protect others from the emotions swarming around inside me, I isolate myself until the storm passes.

I don’t know what to do to ease this discord within myself. I need to be patience with myself. Understanding. I need to slowly go about untangling the knots inside me.

I feel a lot of it has to do with not knowing what I want anymore. I feel like I’ve been neglecting myself.

I love teaching. I really do, but what do I want to do for the rest of my life? I mean… I’m 25. Is this what I’m supposed to be doing for the rest of my life? Is this what I really want?

Not really.

Ok, so what do I want?

Um, something fulfilling? Something deep and meaningful?

Ok… A little vague. What is fulfilling for me?

Helping people. Making a difference in their lives and helping them understand themselves. Being part of something bigger than myself. Working towards something that I feel is meaningful and important. Knowing that I have touched someone and helped them to find something that was important to them.

But isn’t that what I’m doing already? Didn’t I just write a post to myself listing off just a handful of the people who count me as a corner stone in their lives? So…. What gives?

Maybe I’m just sort of burnt out right now. Maybe I’ve been doing the same thing for too long. But come on… 3 years? How am I going to survive the rest of my life if I burn out in three years or less in my jobs?

Maybe I need a change of departments? I’ve been answering the same questions for literally 36 months. Same projects, roughly. Same content. Nothing new. Day in, day out. Routine, boring, draining.

I don’t get a charge when I think about going to work very often any more. When I first started and even well afterwards I loved working, teaching. Showing, sharing. And with certain people I still get that charge.

I can tell they want to learn. They listen when I talk. It means something to them, and I feel that. I feed off of it. It makes it meaningful to me.

But more and more often the classes just go through the motions. Do the base requirements to pass the class and be done with it. Do the bare minimum and nothing else. No effort, no energy, no drive.

It’s hard giving to a void that doesn’t give back.

In many ways it reminds me of my relationships. How I give and give and never give up, so I just bleed out into a pit that never ends.

Is that what this will turn into? Something that eventually will kill me unless I walk away?

But I don’t want to walk away. I don’t see myself being a Lab Specialist for forever. But I love my school. I see all of the shortcomings from having been a student, and now an instructor and I want to fix our program. I want to make it better, stronger.

It’s my baby.

School was such a game changer for me. It made me a stronger person. It showed me that I was capable of amazing things on my own. If I could go back and do it again I would kick so much more ass. I wouldn’t date. I wouldn’t let Warren have so many hours, days, weeks of my life. I wouldn’t let myself suffer through the depression I felt of constantly trying to live up to his expectations.

Maybe another department is what I need. Maybe Faculty Development.

I always joke about taking over the world, and how the only lanyard color I need is blue, which represents an ‘owner’ of the school. I have all of the other colors. Black from the tour, Orange for being a student, Yellow for being a lab monitor and an intern, and now Green for being staff. One color left and I would have collected them all.

I don’t want to leave my school. I believe in what it stands for, and I want to stay for longer. I’m not ready to leave it. I can see myself taking over for Pete, running the Game Art and Computer Animation degrees.

Or Bill’s position. But that’s getting pretty removed from the lower levels. I’m not sure if I like that. I like knowing how things are run and being connected to everyone.

I enjoy engaging with the students. I don’t know where I’ll end up, but I don’t see myself always being a Lab Specialist.

So what am I doing with myself right now?

I’m doing a daily grind is what it feels like. Even working out which is supposed to be a spiritual expression to my goddess feels hollow. Like I’m not fully in it anymore.

Where am I then? And again I think of the question from another post not long ago. If home is where the heart is, where is my heart?

What do I love?

I would like to say myself, and in a way I do. Much more than what I used to, but right now it’s so hard for me to fully embrace myself. These feelings make it hard. I feel like a child, fighting and resisting something even though it is good for me.

So what am I resisting? Why do I feel caged and trapped?

I love my family, and I get to see them soon. But even that doesn’t really make me feel better, because by seeing them it is reaffirming the fact that I am not close to them anymore. They are far away, living their own lives, and though we talk, it is not the same. I do not have the creature comfort of their warmth, their hugs and affection.

It makes me feel alone. Isolated.

The same for my friends. And though I know many people here, there are not many that I want to spend my time with. I suppose that is the INFJ in me.

I’m ‘friends’ with everyone, but if anyone were to honestly ask me I would have to say that most of them are on the level of acquaintance. They’re cool, I can talk with them, but I don’t want to hang out with them. I don’t want to have super secret personal conversations with me.

And honestly, that isn’t totally true. I want to be able to talk to someone. I want to be able to disclose my feelings of not belonging. I want to be able to go out for drinks and it be just that. I want someone to go to Barns and Noble with, or the movies, and have it just be hanging out, not a date.

I want to feel like there is more of a reason to be alive than work.

So right now my heart is with other people I guess? It’s not here. Should I try to fix that? Should I find some hidden secret passion in my work that makes it my drive and passion again?

Should I find something about myself that inspires me so that I become content with my own company again?

It would be easier to like myself if I wasn’t such an emo cluster fuck of emotions all the time. No like I could make anything easy on myself.

How am I supposed to expect a partner to understand and accept me unconditionally when it is one of the hardest things to do for myself?

“Hey, I know you’re mentally / emotionally unstable. But I have this great idea. I’m going to give 100% of myself to you and hope that you don’t go bat shit insane on me and end up killing me.” : D

No wonder a functional relationship is so hard for me to find. When you look at it that way anyone with a shred of self-preservation would steer clear of me.

Maybe that’s a bit harsh right now, but maybe that’s what I need. I have to get through a lot of my own hang-ups before I can expect to be able to offer anything meaningful to a significant other.

And I really don’t want that level of commitment right now, so I don’t know why my brain as moved on to this topic.

Stay on track. Gah!

Back to the whole finding meaning and purpose in my life.

Why am I still in Florida if my ‘heart’ is elsewhere? What is keeping me from my loved ones?

First answer that comes to my head is finances.

I have to have a job. I have crazy student loans because my country is retarded. Not that I regret a single penny that I am going to have to pay back. But realistically if I didn’t have these loans I would have so many other opportunities that I could look into. At the very least I would be able to live alone, which might honestly help.

Even as awesome as Joshua is, there was something special about the one year I lived truly alone.

By staying in Florida, I can keep a stable, fairly secure job. I am also able to use the Faculty Scholarship Program to take classes. So currently I am working on a second degree, which gives me full time student status, which makes my loans infinitely easier to handle.

If I left, I would lose the status, and wouldn’t finish off my degree.

So, is the degree worth it?

I don’t know.

Do I want the degree?

Yeah… Sort of… I used to…

I loved the movie poster project we did in my last class. That was my favorite assignment.

But it feels more like going through the motions. Another daily grind. Watch some tutorials, do a project, get a grade, rinse, repeat.

Is it worth it?

I don’t know what my end goal is anymore, so I don’t know how to answer that. I want to be able to say yes, and I can’t. Not and be honest with myself.

If I said yes, it would be just like those times I dated Warren, or Corey, or Sir.

“Are you ok?”

“Yeah. I’m fine.” I would say even though I was dying on the inside. Even though I had said why I wasn’t fine. Even though we had talked about what I needed in our relationship to change for me to be ok, it was left unchanged.

Yeah I’m fine. I feel loved and secure while I let you walk over my feelings, and grind pieces of myself into the dirt. I’m just going to sit here and smile while you disrespect me. It’s cool. I can live with this…

But I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that any more than I can keep lying to myself.

I don’t know if what I am doing is wroth it. I don’t know if it is worth this disconnection from the things I feel are important.

Maybe this is me bleeding out the poison of all of those years. Maybe because I’m alone again it is finally able to slowly seep to the surface and ooze away, like an infection finally being drawn out.

Painful, gross, and not fun, but needed in order to be better, healthier, cleaner. Whole.

All of this discord is in my chest. In my heart chakra. When I stop to think about it, it hurts. But I haven’t really been thinking about it. I’ve been trying to ignore it. Like when I go running when I know my shin splints are still too sore.

I can suffer through it. I’ll be fine. Pain is a sign of weakness leaving the body. That’s what I tell myself.

And then I get to the end of my run and I want to break down and cry because my legs hurt so bad. And continue to hurt for days afterwards because I’m not being kind to myself. I’m not respecting my limitations.

So there’s this pain in my chest, this emotional ball of confusion. Rat’s nest more like. And I know the longer I ignore it, the more I try to cover it up and keep going, the worse it’s going to get until I eventually break down. My spirit unable to do another run interval. Giving out just like my legs, refusing to take me further until I rest and heal.

So this is where I should stop, and rest. Where I should let myself heal. If that is truly what is going on, then that seems reasonable, logical. The smart choice.

So how to I heal?

Even as I type that I feel my eyes stating to burn because my first response in my head is “to be honest with myself”.

I still hurt over Jarrett. I still feel like the relationship was a failure on my part. I still feel like all of those times that I followed him inside his house, the feeling of forever, was real. We were going to do this for the rest of our lives. We were going to go home together, with him unlocking the door, and me following him inside with my hand on his back.

I would wake up in his arms. I would fall asleep listening to his breathing, his heart beating. I would feel safe. I would be able to say no and not have it be a bad thing.

But it didn’t last for forever. And I still hurt over that.

I don’t know if it was love. I don’t know when it comes to emotions like that anymore. But I felt so intensely for him.

I wanted our forever. I wanted our future. He was going to be a modeler, and I rig so I could do all of the set up for his characters, and then they could be animated. We would have done our own short cartoon things.

I know… We would make sweet, sweet animations together… super corny, but I loved the idea of both of us making art together. Working on projects together. It made my brain happy to think I could share my biggest passion with him.

He was the air to my fire, the water to my earth. I felt completed by him. I felt alive, and like he was making me a better person.

But it was like a high. I wonder if it was like Romeo and Juliet. I hated that story because I felt they were so irresponsible. But I wonder if that was my story with Jarrett.

Like gunpowder and fire.

I didn’t love Corey. I didn’t love Warren #2. I feel I was in those relationships because it was easier than being alone. Because they wanted the relationship, or at least the idea of the relationship, and I didn’t want to say no. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone.

And while I felt intensely for Sir it was not what I needed it to be. I kept falling further and further from what I wanted the longer I stayed with him. Maybe that is selfish of me. Maybe we could have been amazing together.

I want an equal partnership though. I’m tired of feeling like my relationships are projects, fix-me-uppers. Part of me wants to be childish and say, “Why can’t I be the broken one for once?”

But how is that fair? If I don’t want that, why would someone else? It’s not their job to help me find acceptance. Not anymore than it is my job to help Ari find it.

I need to find that on my own. And a large part of that is looking at my past and letting it go.

I need to pull out those dusty boxes inside of myself and go through them, just like I did with all of my other belongings. I went through everything I physically own. Now I suppose its time to do it on an emotional level as well.

I need to unpack and become comfy with my current home. With myself. And there’s a strong aversion to doing that.

I know it’s going to hurt. I don’t want to accept that my forever is gone even though I know that I can never go back to Jarrett. Not after how we ended, and how he treated me afterwards.

I couldn’t do it.

Maybe that’s why the song speaks to me so much right now.

“We’ll leave it behind in a memory.”

But there’s such a large part of me that doesn’t want to let it go. Maybe this is my breakup song for him. I never had one for Jarrett. We had our song, “Alone Together” by Fall Out Boy. He showed me that song, and it always made me think of him.

When Sir and I broke up I listened to “Circles” over and over as I cried, because that’s how I felt.

I never had a song that represented the end for Jarrett and I. And while I cried, I went straight from him to Sir. I didn’t stop, I didn’t reflect. I never really acknowledged the end I guess.

I needed someone to tell me that I wasn’t awful. That I wasn’t a terrible person. That it was ok that I needed love and affection.

So I guess this is me accepting that it’s over. Only six months late…

This is me accepting that I am alone. Not ‘alone alone’ since I have my loved ones in my life. But physically, romantically, alone. Maybe that makes me shallow. But accepting that hurts. It makes me feel like an outsider.

The scientist standing alone with her clipboard and glasses. Her facts and papers keeping her company. Unable to have a normal relationship which seems to come so easily to others.

The truth sucks sometimes. And right now is one of those times.

I wanted it to work so much.

I’m not sure what you have in store for me, Universe. Maybe it’s a good thing it’s winter. Maybe hibernation is what I need.

Bleed it all out and slowly recover in the cold months of solitude so I can bloom stronger next summer.

I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of that hurt being connected to and caused by other people. I’m tired of others having the power to make me feel less than and unworthy.

And part of me is tired of trying. Part of me thinks that the connection I’m looking for is pointless. And I know that’s just the hurt and pain taking over the keyboard, but those feelings are still there, and still need a voice.

Hurt, anger, sadness. That’s what I’m feeling right now. With the sun setting, the cool breeze turning colder. The song still playing in my ears, watching a family playing fetch with their dog while I have silent tears drying on my face. It seems unfair.

How can people be jogging on the bike trail, preparing for a wonderful day with their families tomorrow when I feel this way? How is the world not sharing in this pain?

But even as I type that I know I am on the right road. I feel calmer. The initial lancing of this wonder relieving the pressure that has been building inside of me.

It sucks. And I know it’s not over. And I don’t even know if I really figured anything out in nine pages worth of writing other than something I already knew.

Jarrett and I are over.

We broke up. We will never get back together. And part of me still loves him, and most likely always will. I suppose that’s the first step to clean out my emotional closet.

Accepting facts.

“We’ll leave it behind in a memory.”