Post 0008: Sleepy x.x

Lab was pretty good last night. David had something to do so Clavan was sitting in with me. We tried getting my printer hooked up to the network printer, but for whatever reason we couldn’t. I’m glad that it’s not me doing something silly, and that it’s actually a technical issue.

Either way I finally got the images for the graduation cards printed out, so that’s off my to do list. I’ll have to call IT to figure out the printer issue, but for now I’m good.

I like the last lab this month. They’re pretty chill and the girl, Emily, seems pretty awesome. I think she’ll be one of the people to sort of gravitates to me and stays in touch after the class is over.

I got a fair about of stitching done on my dragon which made me feel good. I ran out of 517 thread, so I want to pick that up today at some point. I can spare 30 cents I think.

My order for the krienik thread was confirmed so I should be getting that today. Huzzah. I can’t wait. Shinny shinny pretty pretty.

I was crazy hardcore tired when I got home last night, so I pretty much went straight to sleep. That was around 2ish. I woke up at nine and lazed around for a bit before getting up and cooking breakfast. I had an egg sandwich this morning with bacon. Omnomno. I’m in the middle of sipping at my detox drink. It’s not bad, and I added some cherry juice to it since Joshua has a container of that for some reason.

I think a lot of the food in the fridge is leftover stuff from his ex. It doesn’t seem like things he would be into. And I haven’t seen him touch most of it.

Random tangent.

So my new class started yesterday. Art History. There are sooooo many assignments. And this week I have nine chapters worth of reading to do. And it looks like I’ll never really be able to attend the lectures because they are going to be held during a time that I have lab. Suckage.

I finally figured out how to log into my student email. I totally had no idea what I wasn’t doing that. I thought the email I received through the FSO platform was my email, but nope. Totally not.

Finally figured it out and logged for the first time in three months only to realize that it is the same email that I had, what 5 years ago now, when I first was a student. Oh my god. So many emails….

I finally got that cleaned up and was able to find the email for my eBook for the class and got that figured out. It was downloading when I first started writing this, so it’s most likely done by now.

I’m going to try reading through some of the chapters while I do laundry, and see how far I get. There’s also a few more lecture podcasts that I need to watch about Roman and Greco art. I’ve already done the pre-historic and Egyptian. They were super short, and not all that special, so I’m expecting pretty much the same for these last four. Roughly 5 to 10 minute podcasts with a crazy brief overview. I’m hoping the reading goes a bit more indepth.

There’s also a crazy crap ton of design terms that I have to learn this week. I know a fair amount of them, or at least the concept of them, but having hardcore definitions with them now makes it seem more real and scary. I have to know these terms and be able to convey them confidently. This is a new profession I am branching into, this is stuff that I really don’t know all that well. It feels more real now. Like I’m trying to play with the big dogs and I don’t know if I’m really ready for it.

No turning back now though. I have to be ready, and the only thing there is to do is meet everything head on.

This month looks like it’s going to be a lot of writing and essay type things. Looking at are and writing about it in a way that makes you sound smart. Busy-ish work, but I can understand the reasons behind it. I suppose we’ll see how it goes.

I got all of my projects graded for last month. I made a 99.9 for my overall grade and my instructor sent me a personal message saying that he enjoyed having me in his class and that I was a fantastic student.

As an instructor I know that’s not just a blanket message that he sends to everyone. I know that he actually took the time to type out every word and that he most likely meant them. It made me feel good.

Right now I’m trying to fight off a headache, again from most likely not drinking enough water. F you too body. I’m also pretty tired still but it feels more like a body tired. Like my muscles need some RnR, rather than needing more sleep.

Sadly I have stuff to do. Laundry specifically. I want clothing, oh my god. I also need to see how much of the reading I can get done. My first discussion post is due tomorrow. It shouldn’t be that bad, but I want to get through as much of the material as I can before writing it.

I also have a play date with Josh and Sammi. It’s going to be great seeing them again. It feels like it has been forever. I have a few things to give back to Sir, and he wants me to take the little green dragon that he gave me. I left it because I didn’t know what to do with it. I wanted to take it, but it wasn’t mine and I didn’t know if he wanted to keep it. So I left it.

He said he would only take the 3D Blitz shirt if I took the dragon, so I feel better about it. He wants me to have something from him. The gesture means a lot to me.

I made brownies yesterday for Sammi, which was good, because I totally don’t feel like baking right now. Yay for foresight.

Not really a whole lot else planned. I need to cook the pork chops before they go bad. I plan on cooking green beans with them, and most likely mashed potatoes since Joshua has those that aren’t being used. I don’t want them to go bad.

Currently my bank account says I have $133 in it, which I’m almost %100 positive is so wrong. I budgeted everything, and I should only have like $20… I have no idea where this extra $100 came from. But I’m totally going to act like it isn’t there. I may even move it over to savings just so I don’t mess with it. I’m pretty sure it is meant for something. But all of my expenses have cleared… so I have no idea what I’m either a) forgetting, or b) hasn’t hit yet.

Jarrett doesn’t have enough money to cover rent much less the bills. Maybe the extra hundred is the universe looking out for me. If so, then thank you universe. I love you too. ❤

Sir messaged me yesterday about the money he owes me, which was totally unexpected and really awesome. He is going to be giving me $45, and the other $55 will go to the phone bill. He said there was no rush to get the account figured out since I’m good about paying my bill on time, and use almost no data. That was a relief since I really don’t want to figure out the phone just yet.

Procrastination, for the lose. But I’m trying to figure out so many other things that I really just want to put this on the back burner for a little while. No one is going to die, hopefully.

So yeah… That’s about all the news I have for now. Not a whole lot going on. I’m going to go finish this drink and take my vitamin and most likely go back to being lazy and enjoying my day off.

Post 0007: Weekly Recap

So really I was supposed to recap yesterday, but I’m happy with doing it today.

I woke up around 4 and couldn’t go back so sleep, so I did all of the chores that I slacked off on. It was really nice cleaning up my room. I went through most of my ‘in’ pile, so more stuff got put away or thrown away. There are a few things on my corkboard now, so it’s not completely empty. I cleaned up my desk more. Without a bookshelf there is only so much I can do right now for my books and such.

I cleaned up the desktop computer. It’s running way better, at least it seems to be. Without a lot of testing I won’t know for sure. But all of the adware stuff that was on the browsers is gone, and Chrome will actually open now. I feel better about it. Still miffed that shit got put on it in the first place, but I feel like I have solved most if not all of the problem so that’s nice. Big task done.

I went back to sleep for a little while, and got back up at 10. I made breakfast, including bacon, and I’m trying out a detox thing that I saw on Facefail last night. It has honey and cinnamon in it, which are both anti-virals. If I die, that will most likely be why.

Other than that not a whole lot has gone on today.

Yesterday ended up being a pretty good day. I talked to John for a few hours, which was fantastic. We both talked about our relationship woes. We may start playing computer games together. Either Guild Wars or World of Warcraft. If we do the latter he will have to pay for my account, but I think he would be ok with that.

He’s doing really well for himself. I’m super hardcore proud of the progress he has made in his life.

I ended up running yesterday. I needed parchment paper and Ari had some and lives just up the street from me. So I used that as an excuse to workout. I needed one or it wasn’t going to happen. I did a bit of yoga when I got home so my legs aren’t as bad, but they are still a bit sore. Waiting another day before running again might have been the smarter option, but it was what I wanted to do, so I did it.

I made the walnuts and almonds yesterday, ate the rest of the food I had precooked from last week, and made a mac and cheese with burger and bacon thingy that turned out awesome. There was onion in it too, with some BBQ sauce. Jarrett made it a few times when we lived together. It’s totally in no way healthy, but it is soooooo good. So I have two containers of that left.

I started messing with Pintrest yesterday, which was fun. I have a few boards and I’ve started pinning stuff. There’s some recipes I want to try. I also made new recipes for my almonds and walnuts on allrecipes.com. They are going to be reviewed, just like the zucchini fries, so hopefully they get posted. That would be cool.

I stitched a bit more, but nothing major. I have a yoga class at the gym I want to go to at noon, and work starts at 5.

I was hoping to have today off, but unlike all of the other months that I have worked at Full Sail, this month has started right on a Monday. I had so been hoping to have today off; planning on it actually. Oh well. Just got to roll with it.

I think I’m still doing pretty well despite that. Super productive already.

I want to cook a couple of meals, so I plan to do one before going to the gym, and then one after I get back. I also want to make a batch of zucchini brownies for Sammi and Josh. We have plans to hang out tomorrow, which is actually my day off, so it worked out really well.

I also get to do laundry tomorrow, since Tuesday’s are the cheap days at the laundromat I go to. It’s been rough having to go almost two weeks without doing laundry, but I’ve managed. Go me.

As for the weekly recap, it’s interesting to go back and reread everything that I have written. Each day seems like there is nothing else, only this moment and it will never change. And then the next day comes and it feels like there is only this moment and nothing will ever change. And then the next day, and the next. And surprisingly life keeps on going.

It’s interesting to see how much has happened over a single week, how it has only been a week since I moved in, less than a week of stressing over the bills with Jarrett, only a week since I’ve shaved my head. It seems like I have lived here forever, and that the issue with Jarrett is all consuming. But neither of those statements are true.

I think looking back on it, my week wasn’t so bad. It had a few rough moments, but overall I feel that I am in a much better position, for myself, than what I was. I still feel more stable and myself than I have in months.

I feel that I have more energy today. That I have made it through the crash and that I am on the up swing again. I can’t be sure for that one. But from where yesterday started to where it ended was a huge improvement, and it is carrying over into today, so I have hopes.

I will chalk last week up to a decent week.

A new class starts today, both for school and work. A new month, a new week. I’m looking forward to seeing what happens and what I have to write about. For now I need to go otherwise I will run out of time to cook before the gym. Off and away to save the day.

Post 0006: WTB Energy

So today is another down day. I woke up feeling a little hung over and like I had been trying to give a freight train a hug as it barreled full force at me. Not a comfy feeling. I think that has to do with not drinking enough water yesterday.

I’ve been running pretty hard, and though I don’t feel like I am burning through water like I have in the past, I know that I should be drinking more. So I’m not going to lie, part of this morning is my own fault.

I’ve made coffee and that is helping to clear the fog some, and I’ve had a bag of Cheese-its which put something into my system. So feeling better than when I first woke up but still not much drive to accomplish anything.

I finally made the banana nut muffins that I’ve had on my to-do list for days now. Joshua has a huge stash of stuff, and muffin mix was one of the things I found. Not that I’m a huge muffin / bread person, but I like baking and cooking, and I don’t like things sitting around if they aren’t being used, so I’m using them.

Since money is so tight I figured I could use them as snacks or a quick addition to breakfast. He also has a box of brownie mix that I plan on making at some point this week.

I bought some of the krienik thread that I needed yesterday. It ended up being $15 which I was cool with, then another $5 for shipping which I wasn’t cool with. I didn’t want to spend that much, but I really want to be able to complete my projects. I think in the long run that I will be ok with this choice, but right now I’m still stressing over finances. It feels like I’ll never get back to where I was. Stable.

I know I will. In a few months my insurance payment will be lower because the policy will renew, I’ll stop giving my money away to people who aren’t going to pay me back, I’ll stop eating out as much and go back to only having to shop for myself.

But that doesn’t fix right now, and that’s what I want. Instant gratification and no repercussions for the choices that I’ve made in the past. I want everything fixed and back to how it was. I want no debt so I can keep all of my money, afford a super awesome place alone AND still have money leftover to go to dinner and a movie.

I don’t regret school, not a single second of it, but I wish that our system was set up different. Why do I have to screw myself over for the rest of my life to become a productive member of society?

It just seems very fucked up and broken to me.

I got a lot of stitching done on the water dragon yesterday only to realize that I has been holding the fabric the wrong way and that everything I had done I had to un-do. It was so frustrating and didn’t help with the whole feeling unproductive. I was hoping to make meaningful progress on at least something, and I feel like I didn’t. I got back to pretty much where I was at, but it was still depressing to know that it took less than an hour to undo almost a day’s worth of work.

I plan to keep working on it today. That’s pretty much the only thing I want to do, and even that is dodgy. I don’t feel depressed. I just feel tired. Last night was hard. I was pretty short with some of the students. I didn’t want to be around people and I didn’t want to answer questions that they already had the answers to. Especially the ones that have been sort of needy all month.

I didn’t feel like I had it in me. Part of me feels like I’m not getting fulfilled and that’s why I’m so down. That’s why I want so badly to finish some of my projects, or –do- something. Some tangible thing to show that I have done more than sit on my butt, even though with cross stitching that’s exactly what I’m doing….

My legs feel pretty good at the moment, so I may drive to a bike trail and go running, though it’s getting later in the day so I guess it depends on how warm it gets. I may just stick with the gym, but the thought of going there right now doesn’t sound good. I feel like I’m not going to do well, and that makes me not want to go. I want to do great, but I don’t think I have it in me to push myself.

Maybe I should just chill in the sauna for a little bit. Walk the track, or do a light elliptical workout. I know that rest days are just as important and workout days. You have to recover. Maybe I should just let today be lazy and not feel bad about it.

It’s not I like woke up wanting to feel this way, or the past days. And this next month’s schedule blows so hard core. I should enjoy the few days that I get, including today.

Jarrett finally messaged me. He said that he would get the money from his roommate as soon as he talked to him, so no specific date. And he said he should have his money by the 3rd, but that he has to pay rent first so he would have to see how much he could actually pay. I hate humans. Why can’t this just be easy? You have bills, you know you have them, so instead of buying cigarettes and alcohol to self medicate, why not save that money so you can pay your obligations and not stress other people out.

I swear, if I hadn’t cut off all of my hair I would be pulling it out right now.

Things really aren’t that bad. I’m pretty sure it’s more because I am in a hardcore introvert state and still having to deal with people and their shenanigans that I’m in such an aggravated state. I am hoping it goes away, but part of me thinks it won’t seriously get better until I take vacation and go visit mom. Which until I know the schedule for sure, I can’t really plan for. So I won’t be able to figure that out until around Tuesday or Wednesday. So more waiting.

I really should learn to enjoy this game. I seem to be playing it more and more often. And if I liked, or at least tolerated it, it wouldn’t be as bad.

Post 0005: Meh

Sort of in a low energy mood. Not really sure why either.

When I got home yesterday around 7 I went straight to sleep. I was just really tired and didn’t have much motivation for anything. I ended up waking up around 2 and of course couldn’t go back to sleep, so I ate and cross stitched for a little bit before going back to sleep around 6ish. I slept until 10:30 and have been awake since.

I think of the feeling low thing has to do with not being able to finish the cross sticht projects I’ve been working on. I still need to buy the krienik thread for them, and right now money is so tight that I don’t really think I should buy anything.

I know I’m stressing over the situation with Jarrett. He still hasn’t responded to my multiple messages asking about when I can get the money from his roommate, and no response about when I can expect to get his half. In my head I can see him not ending the lease and me being stuck with him in my life for the rest of forever.

I want him to grow up. At least be an adult and respond to a message with something like “I’ll let you know when”. Just something, so I know you’re not sitting there ignoring me like I know you are, since all you did while we were dating was play on your phone. Most of the time it felt like you had more of a relationship with it than you did with me. You certainly spent more time with it.

So much frustration still, and there is nothing I can do to make it better. All I can do is wait, and I hate that. Being at the mercy of other people; specifically irresponsible and immature people.

Seriously, if he would just respond I would be fine because then I would at least know something.

I have three cross stitch projects almost complete now. September, October, and November. I have decided not do move on to December until I get the thread for it. I’m sort of done with doing projects that I can’t finish at the moment.

I’ve moved on to working on the Dragons of the Elements. I’ve started with water so I can look at the pretty blues. I’ve done this one before while I was in high school, so I’m really looking forward to seeing how much cleaner and neater it turns out. I know my stitching has greatly improved, and I am using a higher count fabric, so the holes will be smaller, which makes the piece overall look more professional. I like it and it makes something in my brain happy.

I’ve prepped all of the fabrics for Water, Fire, Earth, Air, and Spirit. I even did two for Compassion and Hope, which fit well with the series. There’s an extra piece which I plan to use for Jace’s birthday present. So once I get the thread for that it is good to go.

I had lunch with Mechanic today. We got to talk about the break up, and I got to explain my side of the story.

From what Sir told her I didn’t want to move in even though he had done everything he could to make me happy. I figured his story would be something like that. That is not how I see the situation, but I am not him, and to be honest I really don’t care what he tells people. I know why I left, and I feel justified. I feel like I did everything I could, and that in the end the relationship became toxic for both of us. I feel I did the humane thing for both of us.

She was kind enough to buy lunch for me since I’m so tight right now, what with Jarrett being a jerk and Sir owing me $100. Why is it that every guy I date fucks me over financially? If they are ‘men’ and independent then why are they in my checkbook? Another reason I’m sort of done with dating for the next foreseeable forever.

We had lunch at Moe’s which was fantastic. I have a lot of really positive memories of having lunch there when I lived at home with my mom and when I dated Warren #1. It’s just a really good place for me, so it was nice to be able to share it with her as well.

They ended up having a new Chili Con Casco burrito thing, which is totally not what I would normally get, but I wanted to try something new, so I got it. And it was really awesome actually. I’m glad that I tried it out.

After lunch Mechanic was even more fantastic and gave me the $20 that she owed me. It was such a huge relief to be able to add that money into my bank account. I can get gas for the car now.

I moved $100 into savings, but I really don’t want to touch that if I don’t have to. So I’m going to try to do everything in my power to not touch it.

After lunch I went back to the apartment and set up all of my cross stitchings and started on the water dragon while I watched more Thunder Cats. I have about 10 more episodes left in the series.

Currently I am at work poking through Spotify and adding more music to my playlists and picking through the other things on my to-do list.

Like I said, it’s been a pretty low day, but I’m sort of ok with that. With how crazy the last nine months have been I’m sort of ok with mellow and uneventful. I feel like it will be this way for a little bit to allow me to recover from Jarrett (if he will ever get out of my life), and Sir.

I need to figure out what to do with the phone since I’m still on his account. One thing at a time. I also need to figure out if I’m allowed to take vacation so I can visit my mom. That would be super uber fantastic. A solid week of doing nothing work related. Just my school assignments, which will be Art History. I don’t think that is going to be all that intensive. I could go ahead and do the training tutorials that I’ve been looking at.

Well, I need to get my calendar set up and figure out gym times and such. Of course my calendar won’t be set until around Wednesday of next week, but at least this gives me an idea of the worst case scenario. I’m hoping some of the labs get condensed down.

Here’s to hoping.

Post 0004 : Humans are Frustrating

Arg. So right now the biggest thing on my mind is how much I wish my exs would get out of my life. The relationship didn’t work for a reason, so why are they still around? >..<

Aside from that today is going awesome.

I was super tired when I got home yesterday, but I got my video finished and posted. I even got to cross-stitch a little bit on the November Gemstone dragon. I’m going to be ordering the thread I need at some point today for September, October, November, December, and January. That way I’ll be able to get a fair amount of the series done.

I tried going to Publix yesterday to get bed bug spray and the bags I needed for graduation. I ended up not having enough money though. Spotify hit my account for $10, so instead of $19 I only had $9, which I didn’t know about until after I had already tried going to the store.

It was mildly embarrassing to have to tell the cashier to void the transaction. But that’s ok because I did all of my shopping today.

I woke up and had coffee while figuring out my budget for the coming weeks. I paid my bills, including rent, and then made my meal plan and figured out the groceries. I went to the bank, and then shopping.

By the time I got everything put away I had to go to work. Which was when the whole Jarrett thing started. But I’m going to try hardcore to not let that mess anything up.

I talked to Tre for a while, which was nice. He wanted to know the whole story behind my shaved head, and I’ve told him most of it. Since I’m at work I wasn’t able to stay outside of the lab to explain everything, but we’re going to finish talking later. It feels good to explain everything from start to end, including the Jarrett portion of it since that was the whole thing that led to Sir.

After work I plan to go home and cook a few things. Chocolate covered almonds and rosemary walnuts. Those are going to be snacks for the rest of the week. I got some yogurts too, but I think I’m running low on granola.

Overall I think I’m in a good spot for my coming weekend. I keep forgetting that today isn’t Saturday. It is Friday. I don’t know why my days are so mixed up, but it’s mildly frustrating.

I have most of Saturday for cleaning, which could leave me the whole weekend free and clear. Two days of down time. I have no idea what I would do with myself.

I’m also thinking about taking a trip home to visit my mom. I have some vacation time left and some sick time that I haven’t used. Since there aren’t plans for the holidays I may use most of it now. If I don’t use it I lose it, so there’s no point in letting it go to waste.

Not a whole lot else to talk about; just more bitching about boys and emotional nonsense. I would rather cross-stitch and do something productive with my time than be snarky though.

So off I go.

Post 0003 : New Rule – No Touchy

So I had a hard time falling asleep yesterday. I got home pretty early, around 5pm. I didn’t stick around school because I didn’t want to be around people. So home I went to my empty room.

It was nice, but I didn’t have motivation to do much of anything. It was a really low energy day yesterday. So instead of doing my homework, I did nothing for a good like… 3 hours.

Eventually I got tired of doing nothing and I went running and shaved another 1:30 off my time. I’m down to 15:30 miles. My legs hated me afterwards, but it was a really good run.

I came back home and made dinner and suffered in silence for a while. My shines were really not happy. Anyway, I really didn’t do a whole lot last night. I had wanted to go get bug spray and all sorts of productive stuff. But nope, unproductive Jen.

I woke up around 8 and started moving around 9ish. I rearranged my computer a bit so I could do grading, which started my day off bad.

Maya is misbehaving and the computer in general is running slow. I think it has to do with the malware still being on the machine even though I have removed the profiles for Sir and Mechanic from the computer. Which led me to having a new rule.

No one touches my computer. It’s not a toy. I need it for work, and now it doesn’t work properly, which isn’t fair to me. I spent $2000 on my machine. Everyone else can get their own. This was an investment for me, not for other people to download viruses.

Rage.

I ended up grading all of the assignments on my two laptops, which was frustrating but do able, unlike my desktop currently. More rage. I’ll have to set aside some time to look into spyware programs. Hopefully I don’t have to wipe the drive. I’ll be so pissed if I do.

I got all of the grading done before noon, which was nice. Clavan is going to post all of the comments for David and I.

I even got the video recordings I need for my final assignment in ODT. Eventually at some point tonight I will compile them into a video and post it online for submission.

I cooked for the next two days, so I have lunches and dinners. Yay. Tomorrow is payday, thank goodness. I’ll be able to get eggs for breakfast.

I finished working on the 3D skull puzzle that I got with Sir. I would say that he got it for me, but he didn’t. I paid for it. He more encouraged me to spend the money on it. Either way, I sort of associate it with him. I’m not sure if I’m going to keep it.

It wasn’t a very fun puzzle to work on to be honest. I’ve enjoyed all of the others ones I have done more. I would like to do the butterfly puzzle, and there are kitten ones, too. I aught to go online and see what all kinds there are.

I ended up going to the gym, which I’m proud of. I biked today since my legs are shot from running last night. I will most likely do some yoga to wind down tonight. I’m sure that’s one of the reasons I’m not as sore today as I thought I would be. I did a bit of stretching once I was able to convince my legs to move again when I got back to the apartment last night.

I am going to run by Publix on break to pick up the bug spray and the gift bags for graduation tomorrow. I really need to figure out the road map for my day tomorrow. And I need to remember that it’s Friday and not Saturday tomorrow. I don’t know why I’m having such a hard time with that today, but it has be throwing me off.

And actually I just realized that graduation isn’t tomorrow. It’s on October 3rd. Whoo. More time to figure out getting my computer set up with a network printer again. For some reason the one that I normally use upstairs is gone. It was a sort of crappy printer, sitting right next to our uber deluxe printer, which might be why they got rid of it. But it was the only printer at work my laptop was set up for, so currently I have no way of printing out the images for my graduation cards.

I’m going to try to get the 4C printer connected to my laptop, but if I can’t figure it out, then I was going to ask for help with it tomorrow. It’s only been on my to-do list like… all week. I would really rather not carry it over into next week if I can help it.

So yeah, as far as the rest of my day, I plan to cross stitch a bit of the November Gemstone dragon, work on and post my ODT assignment, reply to a few emails, and spray for bed bugs. I really want to take care of that before it becomes a big issue. I’m worried that it will be something that follows me for the rest of my life. >.< No thank you.

So aside from being super pissed about my computer today has been a pretty chill and mildly productive day so far. Yay. Off I go to stitch some x’s.

Post 0002: Move In Complete

I have officially moved all of my things into the new apartment. It is a good feeling. There is a feeling of closure, of completion.

I can begin truly focusing on getting myself back in order, firstly by getting my room setup the way it should be. I have already begun hanging things on the wall, which is good and bad.

Good because it makes it feel like home. Bad because I realized that bed bugs followed me. Which I suppose is a good thing that I noticed so early. I do not know if I have the money for bug spray. I plan to check into that once I am done writing this.

I am hoping that it does not turn into a huge infestation. I hope that I am able to kill them all off. I am worried about it.

But aside from that realization earlier today things are going extremely well.

I have 3 fairy pictures from my Mother Earth, as well as a poster. I have already hung the pictures, but the poster needs a frame, so I will have to wait until Friday to hang it. I have already marked on the wall where it will go, so once it is framed all I have to do is place it.

I have hung my corkboard, so once I start sorting through all of my ‘paper keep sakes’ I have a place to put them. I have hung both of my posters, and even got to hang Cassondra’s graduation gift.

I wish I still had the dream catcher that John made me, but since it got infested with bed bugs I threw it away. I realized the other day that the only thing I have left from my brother is a flower he made for me out of a piece of sweet grass. That too, is falling apart due to having to move so often.

I can’t bring myself to throw it away though. It is the last thing I have from him, and he is so far away in Germany. I need this reminder of him still.

The kitchen is pretty much set up the way I want it to be. I would like to poke around under the sink to organize things a bit in that area, but everything else is set up. I’ve already gone through the pantry. The only thing I can think to do in there is get a bag dispenser for the wall to stash all of the plastic bags that Joshua has. But really I am very content with where I am now.

Once I finish off my room I will be able to start focusing on my health and working out again. I am hoping for that to be the start of next week. I went running two days ago, and it was a fantastic run, but I still haven’t been able to jump back into consistency.

I also hope to get back into my shopping / cooking routine for food. I am sort of there, but not 100%.

There are so many positive steps that I have already taken for myself. I feel solid ground under me and I feel the forward momentum of my actions. I am hoping that it carries me to where I need to be.

I received a text message from Clavan yesterday before going into work saying that Joe wanted to see me. When I asked if I was getting fired he said that the message didn’t mention why Joe wanted to see me, just to stop by his desk before lab.

Needless to say I spent the whole time having a minor panic attack thinking that I was going to get fired or reprimanded or that Jarrett had said something, or that something I said to a student was taken the wrong way… Any number of things that would ruin my life. Why else would Joe want to see me? It could only be for something bad.

Well… Come to find out I received Props this year. I can’t believe it. I was so torn up about it last year. I had wanted it so bad. I feel that I do well at my job, and I feel that I go above and beyond what most people do. I just wanted to know that people see the work that I do and appreciate it.

So yeah. I am trying to stay humble, but at the same time I am happy that I am receiving the award. It means I can get my tattoo once I have the money for it.

That’s going to be another thing that I start working on. Saving money so I can get my tattoos. I have earned several of them already, but I have yet to reward myself for reaching these goals. I need to give myself the positive reinforcement I promise myself for achieving the goals and milestones I set.

I need that push and motivation to keep going. Maybe that is another reason I have been down lately. Aside from all of the stress with the relationship I was in, the feelings of being lost and things being pointless could have been because even though I was doing things, I wasn’t recognizing it in myself. I said there would be rewards, and there wasn’t, so what’s the point?

I will work on correcting that in myself. If I say I am going to do something I need to follow through; with rewards just as much as the task itself, if not more so.

I have almost completed two new cross stitchings. I started working on the Gemstone dragon series. I am missing the krienik thread of course, but I will be ordering those Friday. I will most likely get the threads for the next six dragons so I can keep working on the series for a bit.

I started with September, not only because that is the current month, but because I wanted it to be a gift to Sir. I do not think I will actually give it to him.

I thought about him all day yesterday. I wanted to reach out and say something, but I felt like it would have been wrong of me to do that. Hurtful maybe. I am glad he is alive. I am glad he was born, and I am happy for the time we had together, and part of me still hopes that one day maybe things will be ok between us.

The realistic side of me doubts it will ever be more than diplomatic.

But it helped me to stitch the dragon for him; sapphire for his birth month. The blues are amazing. It was very peaceful to stitch, and I know that it was for him, and that is enough for me. Each stitch, each hour, was for him, my own way of saying goodbye.

I will keep it, and I will know that what we had was special and meant something very deeply to me. A reminder of the good. A reminder of the smiles, the cuddles, the hugs, the arm wrestling.

I have already finished the regular stitching for October as well. White opal, on white fabric. It wasn’t very fun to stitch to be honest. I think if I had used a different color fabric it would have been better, but there was so little color variation. I have never been much of a fan of whites and lighter shades. So while it was not fun, it is almost done and I will soon be moving on to November. Topaz I believe, so yellows. And then December, my birth month.

I think I will have to do two of January, one for my own collection, and one for Jace. I need to have a birthday present for him. I think I will continue with my tradition of stitching him something. It is his second birthday, so I think it will be fitting.

I still want to work on the quilt for him, but since he is still so young I do not think now is the right time. I can work on it over the next few years and give it to him when he is older and will appreciate it more.

Aside from that I have homework that I most likely won’t work on until tomorrow. And I have grading that I need to complete today. I would like to go to the gym after work.

Joshua said that the gate should recognize me now, so I can come and go as I like. I will have to test it out, but I’m hoping that it is in fact fixed, which would be fantastic. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Alas, I think I am written out. I am going to go for now and finish picking at my to do list. Until tomorrow.

Post 0001 : Another New Day

So, today is the first day waking up with a shaved head. It was awesome not waking up to a mouth full of hair or a tangled rats nest. I can see myself growing to like super short hair, if just for the efficiency and convenience of it.

As I move back into my daily routines I am going to start writing in the morning while drinking coffee and eating breakfast. It’s a nice warm up to the day. Sort of like getting my gears going.

I slept pretty well for the most part. Scarlet knocked something over in the bathroom last night, which scared the daylights out of me, but I was able to get over the adrenaline eventually.

I’m not really sure what I’m going to be doing today other than going into work at 5.

Today is Sir’s birthday, but I do not think reaching out to him would be a good idea. I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I think the better option is to leave things as they are. I know this will be driving a wedge further between us, but I don’t think we are ready to try bridging the gap.

With his mentality, I do not know if we will ever be able to. Unless he changes he will always hold and harbor resentment for me which will poison anything we try to have, friendship or otherwise. It is disheartening, but I knew that about his personality from very early on.

I wish there was a way to show him I cared, and that I still do.

One of my co-workers is going through something similar with her wife. They are separating and she doesn’t know if they will be able to repair the damage and get back together.

It’s a bit of a sad way to start the morning, reminiscing and helping others through their own heartache. Tis the season I suppose.

As far as the outlook for the rest of the day, I am going to try to get the last remaining items from the storage unit into the apartment so I can wash my hands of one more tie. I still have to figure the phone out, which I suppose I can add that to my to do list.

I want to call my mom and see about getting on her plan. Though it might be better to see if I can switch my number back to Metro. It was only $50 bucks a month, and it will be a bill that I can take care of on my own, rather than having to pay my mom.

We will see how it works out.

I need to cook lunches for the week, but aside from that there isn’t a lot on my agenda for this morning. Just easing back into life.

I would like to go to the gym before work. I picked up the YMCA schedules so I can plan out my workout times.

This week is going to be tight money wise. Jarrett still hasn’t gotten back to me about paying the power and Internet bills. That is another source of stress that I want to be done with. I’m super close be being done with the American Express card, which will cut the tie I have with Warren #2.

I’m close to being 100% on my own again. That will be my current goal. Cutting ties, I think. Getting back to my roots. MY roots, not the tangled roots of others. No more ties.

Guess I should go so I can start working on that.

Post 0000 : First New Post

Once again my life has shifted and in the process I have purged. I have gone through all of my clothing and gotten rid of half of it. I have gone through my art supplies, my tool bag, my kitchen stuff, my games. Literally everything I own has been touched and deemed worthy or not.

This purging extends online as well, since so much of our worlds exist online now. This cleansing resulted in the deletion of my blog, which was how I had been keeping my journal entries lately.

I suppose I should have saved them, the entries. At least with my Google Doc entries I still have them to reflect on. Since I have deleted the old blog, I have no written record of my feelings during that time period. I cannot go back and undo the deletion, so the only thing to do is move forward. I accept that I will not get my writings back and that the only thing to do is to start this new blog.

But in a way that is what I need. To start again, new, clean, and for myself.

I hope that since I am creating it for myself that I will maintain it. It is connected solely to my, and is 100% my own. I hope that I will care for it and love it, at least as much as one can love something digital and wholly intangible.

I guess this first post is as good as any to state how I feel about my recent break up.

I am not an unfeeling person. I feel very deeply about most things, include totally random and retard things. I am extremely contained, and private. I wouldn’t say repressed, but there are very few who will know the full extent to which something affects me. So for those on the outside of that circle of trust I may look cold, distant, uncaring, even though on the inside I am a raging swarm of emotions.

I feel deeply for my situation, and for everyone involved. I know it is not easy on anyone, and I feel as if I am always the cause of the discord.

Right now I am conflicted, and this confliction negates the happy and sad and leaves me feeling neutral.

On one hand I feel as if I walked away from the healthiest relationship I have ever experienced. My partner was kind, and listened to me, and I feel we did have a very strong and healthy connection in the beginning. I mourn for what we might have had, because I feel as if there is no future. I feel because of the choice I have made that any possible chance of reconnecting is gone.

There is a sense of loss, of death. A beautiful plant I was trying to grow, withered and dried, never to flourish again.

On the other hand I am content. I am in my own space. I have my things around me. I have my bedding and clothing unpacked. I have my computer set up. I have my own bathroom and closet. The kitchen is almost set up how I would like for it to be. The dishes are always done, the counters always cleaned.

I come home to silence. Not just physical sound, but emotional silence. It is calming to walk through the door and to know that there is nothing waiting for me aside from Scarlet and Seth.

Nothing social, no obligations aside from the ones I have given myself. My own to-do list with only the things I place on it.

I don’t have to think when I walk through the door. I don’t have to worry. I relax. I have no constraints on my time so I am able to go to sleep, and go to the gym, and work on my projects. I am able to cook and clean and not feel guilty for doing it.

I feel that all of the things I have just written are exceedingly selfish, but I have also come to the conclusion that I am not yet done with my journey, and that right now, maybe the best thing for me is to be selfish.

I need to finish what I started, and I need the time and space to complete it.

The year I lived alone, the year before Jarrett was when my journey started; when I ended the relationship with Warren #2. I started finding myself. I started becoming emotionally, spiritually, and physically stronger. I started focusing on myself, and what I needed to heal, what I needed to feel fulfilled.

I feel like I have strayed from that path. Jarrett was enticing I think because he was exciting. He got me outside of my closed off bubble and allowed me to have fun. It was wild, aggressive, and I was blinded by the fierceness of it. Something that strong and intense could not last, and I should have seen that. The high I was on was exactly that, a high, and I was bound to come crashing back down to reality eventually. I wish it had happened before I had moved in with him.

After the fall out with Jarrett I moved in with Randy. I will always think of him as Sir. I don’t think I will ever be able to change that. He validated a part of myself that has been looked down on and shunned for so long that, again, I feel I was blinded. He spoke to me, and listened to me. He was kind and I think if we had met at a different point in life that maybe we would have survived.

But ultimately I couldn’t be what he wanted, and still be happy, and I am too far into my journey to knowingly do things that will be harmful to me. I know I am not healed from Jarrett. I know I am not fully healed from Warren still.

I know I have extremely high standards when it comes to cleanliness and accountability. I know that my priorities are not in a place where I can give a relationship the attention, time, and effort that it would need. A relationship right now would not fulfill me, and that is not fair to the other person.

I am still finding me. I am the Earth Dragon. When I first received that title it was little earth dragon. I feel as if I am growing. I am still learning and processing the events that have happened. I would like for one day the ‘little’ in the title to turn into a term of endearment, because I would have grown fully into myself.

I will always be Mother Earth’s little earth dragon. Just as I will always be my mom’s baby girl. I want to make the people in my life proud of me. I want them to have faith in my choices, and to not worry about me doing silly things. I want the people I love to know that I’m ok, and that I am able to care for myself, and that I am happy.

It was hard to walk away. Part of me wanted to stay, to ignore how I felt. I feel guilty for hurting someone that I care about. I will miss reading to each other, and our random conversations. I will miss the games, the smiles, the laughs. There was good, and even though I lose sight of it sometimes, I know it was there.

If only the timing had been different. Maybe there would have been a different ending.

I have decided to continue forward on my journey though, and there is no looking back.

This afternoon I had my head shaved, buzzed completely like a military cut. This is to mark the day that I am returning to my roots. I am returning to my original self, the very beginning, most basic form of myself.

My priorities, my goals, my needs, my wants. I am going to iron them out again, realign my mind and heart. I am going to reconnect with myself so that I may move forward and grow into the person I am destined to be.

I was on this path before, but I feel it was only halfheartedly. I am fully committed now, and my statement is bold and for everyone to see. I am myself. I need nothing to define me but me. Not my clothing, nor my hair, nor anyone else. Me. That is who I am, and that is who I will be.

And I am on my way to figuring me out.

Today is the start. Today is the beginning. It will be long, it will be hard. And it will be so absolutely worth it. I am amazing, and I will prove it to myself, one day at a time.

Test Post for Fun

Testing, testing… 1,2,3. : D