Post 0116: 2014 in Review


I thought this was pretty interesting, and cute.

The left side of my brain likes numbers and random facts, and the right side of my brain was happy that the layout had pretty colors and stuff.

Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read about my craziness.

I hope your New Year’s Eve is off to a great start and that 2015 is a fantastic year for you.

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 420 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 7 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Post 0115: Daily Prompt – Happy Happy Joy Joy


“We cry for lots of reasons: sadness, pain, fear…
and happiness.
When was the last time you shed tears of joy?”

When I saw John at the airport in Los Vegas.

I was so incredibly happy to see him that I couldn’t keep all of the feelings inside.

He hugged me so tight and I just buried my face into his shoulder, trying not to cry too noticeably. Hiding from everyone else in the airport because they didn’t matter. They weren’t there.

It was just me and John. He was warm. He was real. And he was here.

My baby brother was here, safe, and the only way I could show how happy I was was through tears and holding him so tight that my arms hurt.

Post 0114: All of the Stuff


Continuing on with recapping all of the writing that I haven’t been doing….

Saturday evening I got to see Joey and finally meet his wife, Katy. She super liked the wedding gift that I stitched for them, which made me feel good.

She is also a teacher, though she teaches seventh grade, so we had a pretty easy time conversing. We talked about Christmas, and family drama. Joey was playing the new Lord of the Rings game, so we talked about graphics and storyline. All in all it was a good time.

The end was a little awkward. I asked Joey for a hug, which is normal for me. Katy said that since she was his wife, all requests for hugs needed to go through her.

I understand why she said that, and I know she has every right to that. But it made me feel… I don’t know. Not good?

Joey has been my friend for years. Longer than she has known him for sure.

I didn’t mean to over step any lines, and I didn’t feel like I had. This was something that had been established before her.

I don’t know. I need to meditate more on it. Aside from that one instance, the evening was fine.

Mandie and I were going to try to hang out one last time before I left, but we were both tired, so I went back home to spend the evening with my mom instead.

Since the week was screwy with it being Christmas, my mom had Sunday off. Normally she would have worked. Since we were both home we decided to do some work in the attic before going out for lunch and then seeing me on my way.

My mom has been on this huge kick of getting rid of stuff and downsizing so she can move out to Los Vegas to be closer to Jace. So all Sunday morning we were taking stuff out of the attic so she wouldn’t have to do it alone.

We got a ton done, so that felt good.

Afterwards we went to Moe’s for lunch.

When I had gone out on a previous day I almost had a freak out when I drove past it.

It was empty. Like… closed down empty. Not even tables or chairs inside empty.

How could my favorite place close down? And they always had business. How was it possible?

Mind = blown

Lucky I was looking both ways before turning a corner because I saw a new building that hadn’t been there on my last visit, and inside of that plaza was a ‘new’ Moe’s. So I guess they just moved to a bigger location.

I had told my mom about my minor heart attack, and how it would be awesome to go to the new place just to see what it was like on the inside. They also had a patio section for outdoor seating.

So we went there for lunch, and sat outside because it was a super nice day.

Once we were done with lunch we came back home, I finished putting a few things into the car and we said goodbye.

Both my mom and I are bad with goodbyes, so ours are normally short and too the point. Otherwise we’ll both be a mess.

So that wrapped up my trip home.

I wrote about the car ride of doom… words cannot describe how much those three hours sucked.

So Sunday was pretty much a bust once I started on my trip back to Orlando.

Monday was rough because there was work being done on the apartment, and that started super early in the morning.

It didn’t help that on top of not getting much sleep, I didn’t sleep well.

I had been fearing coming back home.

Would Seth’s heat lamp have caused a small fire? Would Seth be dead? Would the apartment have been broken into? Was the oven left on? Had there been a leak in the apartment above us that completely destroyed our apartment?

You know… Things that could happen, but most likely didn’t…. Because I can never worry enough.

Well, one of the things I was sort of worrying about was coming home and my walls being covered in bed bugs. A giant black mass of swarming bugs, crawling all over my things.

Sort of silly and irrational, but no one ever said my brain was rational.

The walls were clean, and I poked around the bed but didn’t see anything. There hadn’t been any bugs before I left, so I thought it was ok.

I got into bed and tried sleeping, but it was sort of awkward. I hadn’t been in my room in so long. I needed to adjust to it. And there was a paranoid part of me that was freaking out, waiting for bugs to start crawling on me.

After a while the paranoia got to me. I kept thinking I felt them on me, and I couldn’t shake the feeling. I turned the lights on and started looking again. Maybe I was freaking out over nothing, or maybe I was right and had just missed them.

Sadly, it was the latter. There were bugs. I hadn’t been freaking out. I even found the nest where they had been hiding.

I had worried when I got the bed from Alex that there were still a few stragglers around, and that if they got into the bed that it would be ruined. And I guess I was right.

So once I found the bugs I changed cloths and slept on the couch.

Shortly after the hammers started up, and there was going to be no sleeping through that.

I sent Sam a text, asking her if she wouldn’t mind helping me move the mattress to the dumpster. Since it’s a king, I wouldn’t be able to do it on my own. I offered to get lunch / dinner in exchange for the help.

She said yeah, but that it would have to be Tuesday since she was working.

That was fine with me. I would just avoid my room. Which I have been doing fairly well.

While all of this was going on Ari messaged me. She had been messaging me on and off through my vacation, saying how she missed me and wanted to see me. How she couldn’t wait for me to be back in Orlando.

For some reason those messages bothered me.

I feel like I should be happy about them. That most people would read messages like that and think nothing of them. It’s just a friend expressing how they want to hang out.

But for me it’s not like that. I feel pressured. There’s this need, this obligation, on my time now. The constant reminders of wanting to hangout only add to the feeling of obligation.

“Hey, we haven’t done this yet. Wouldn’t it be cool if we did this? Wouldn’t it be awesome if we met up?”

No… actually it wouldn’t because I want to be alone and you’re not leaving me alone so I want to hang out even less…

And it doesn’t help that the last time Ari and I hung out, she didn’t respect my boundaries.

The thought of hanging out with her just seemed like a hot mess.

When she asked if I wanted to do lunch, I thought that might be a fair compromise. We could hang out, in public, for a short period of time. I could fulfill this obligation to socialize, and then go about being productive for the day.

We agreed to meet for lunch at Subway. She still needed to get ready so I ran out to school first, then the bank since I needed to get money for the phone bill.

When I texted Ari saying I was about to head to Subway she asked if I could pick her up since she wasn’t done getting ready yet.

I didn’t see why that would matter. She could just drive over when she was done, but I agreed because I really didn’t have a reason to say no, other than it made me feel awkward.

I just wanted to hang out. I didn’t want this to be a date. And picking her up made it seem more ‘date’ like.

I picked her up, and she was super touchy, and I’m not going to lie, I was sort of cold and didn’t touch her back. The term Ice Bitch comes to mind.

I didn’t hug her or anything. I smiled and was warm, and said how good it was to see her, but I wasn’t physically affectionate. I didn’t want to be because a hug wouldn’t be just a hug for her.

This wasn’t a date. I had errands I needed to do, and other stuff on my mind, and we were supposed to be friends getting lunch.

Friends don’t rub up on your arm.

While we were eating lunch Ari asked if I would mind her hanging out with me while I did my chores. Her and Sara were having issues and she didn’t want to be home alone with her.

All I could think inside of my head was how my day was lost. How it was going to be nothing like what I wanted or imagined.

But I couldn’t say no. At least morally it felt like I couldn’t say no. I know exactly what it’s like to be in a situation like that. And it sucks feeling trapped.

Though now that I think about it, of course after everything went down, Ari had a car. If she didn’t want to be home she could have gone somewhere else.

Maybe it was more that she needed to be around someone else. Needed someone to reaffirm for her that she was a good person.

I know those emotions, too…


Sometimes I really wish I could only see one side of a situation.

Anyway, she ended up spending the day with me.

After lunch we came back to my apartment, which I super didn’t want to do. But I needed my notebook, the one I keep all of my notes and to-dos in. Of course, the one time I leave home without it is the one time I have someone with me who I don’t want in my apartment.

I needed to get an envelope and stamp for the money, too.

I was totally awkward about it. This is my safe space. No one was supposed to be here.

She kissed me, and was pretty handys. I told her that I didn’t want to do anything. That I wasn’t ready for it. And that’s the truth. With her I’m not, nor do I think I ever will be.

The encounter with James was so different. He acted like a gentlemen and didn’t do anything that I was uncomfortable with. He always asked before doing anything. And I fully believe if I had said no that he would have stopped.

Ari doesn’t. It feels like it doesn’t matter what I say. If I say no, she’ll keep pushing until I give in because it’s easier to give in then to stand my ground.

I don’t think that’s right. Or fair.

I should stand my ground and not back down. I fully realize that.

At the same time, I should be shown respect.

If our friendship is so important, than she should have the restraint to back off when I say the situation makes me uncomfortable. Which I don’t beat around the bush with that. I state plainly, “I’m not ok with this.” And she keeps egging it on.

It reminds me of something I saw on Facebook the other day. It’s so true though that it makes me sad.

This whole thing led to a pretty in-depth conversation about how because of my past relationships I feel like any sort of affection is an obligation to sex. How all I want is to have a hug from someone and for it to legitimately just be a hug.

I don’t now if I’m explaining the difference between James and Ari correctly. All I know is that with James it felt like a choice. A choice I was making. And with Ari it didn’t feel like a choice. If I said no she wouldn’t be happy because that wasn’t the answer she wanted, and she would push to try to get her way.

I told Ari how what I really needed was a friend. Someone I could hang out with, someone I could feel safe with.

She said that she felt awful because she didn’t realize that was what I wanted.

It was frustrating because she became self deprecating, so I had to comfort her and say how she wasn’t an bad person, even though I was the one who felt violated.

And even after all that, we still did most of my errands together.

I mailed the money to Sir. I tried switching the phone over to MetroPCs but that was a bust.

I was told the phone was unlocked, but when I went to the store they said it wasn’t.

I told Sir, but I don’t think he’s done anything about calling ATnT, so I’m going to be going to the store later today to do it myself.

One of those situations where if you want something done right, do it yourself I guess.

After the phone adventure I went to Jo Anne’s to get a storage container for my arts and crafts. It was 50% off, so I was super stoked about that.

I absolutely love it. There’s 6 containers with locking lids. 4 of them have small sections in the front of the container so you can store smaller things, like my needle cases. Two of them are just big containers, no dividers or anything.

Since I am going to have to move in April I wanted to go ahead and pack my stuff back up. I have the time to do it now, without the craziness of work, class, and who knows what else I’ll have subjected myself to by then.

The new storage container fits all of my craft supplies and computer desk stuff, so I got rid of several boxes in place of a durable, fairly portable, unit.

Fuck flowers. Give me an organizational gadget any day. ❤

In the spirit of packing, I wanted to get a few more containers from Home Deopt while I was out, so I could pack up most of my stuff once I got home.

Well, Home Deopt didn’t have the containers I wanted. Go figure. Another bust on my list of to-dos.

I needed to feed Seth, so I ran out to the pet store to get him a rat. Since we were in the area I ran by Lowes to see if they had the containers I was looking for, which they did. On sale even. So I got two.

Yay for not being a bust!

I had planned on doing my grocery shopping, but since Ari had spent the day with me, I never had a chance to do my meal planning. So I wormed my way out of further socializing by saying that I wanted to go to the gym.

Which to be fair, that was a truth. I did need to get to the gym at some point, but I wanted to do my planning first, and I couldn’t do that and still entertain someone.

I ended up dropping Ari off at her apartment, and the relief I felt was pretty immediate.

I came back home to try to regroup and figure out what still needed to be done, but the renovation work was still going on and I couldn’t get my thoughts straight, especially not with all of the confusion and frustration with Ari still so close to the surface.

I couldn’t even write because everything was so distracting.

I ended up going to the gym to try to work the frustration out. It helped a little, but not as much as I was hoping.

My legs hate me right now because of my shin splints, but it was actually a really good, intense workout.

In a way it sort of set my standard for getting back into my routine. Nothing half assed. It’s all or nothing. So I gave it my all.

Unfortunately, it didn’t give me the inner peace I was looking for.

While I was working out Mother Earth tried calling me. I texted back saying that I had been at the gym and if it would be alright to call after grocery shopping.

She said that was fine, so I came back home. I figured out my meals and made my list and was honestly thinking about not going back out. I was tired, my legs hurt from running, it was dark…

All of these reasons in my head for why it should wait.

After a few minutes going back and forth I got strict with myself and said, “No.”

We’re going out. We’re doing the grocery shopping. It’s what you wanted to get done today, more than any of the other things, and you’re just going to sit here and feel sorry for yourself if you don’t do it.

So no. Get up, get the keys, and go to the store. /stern parental glare

Fine… If I have to…

So I did.

I went to Publix first since they were closing soon, and most of the stuff I wanted / needed was from there.

After that I went to Walmart. I had enough money to get an air mattress, though it didn’t list what batteries the pump needed so I wasn’t able to use it that night.

I’m happy that I got everything done, and that despite the day being drastically different than what I as hoping or expecting, it was still pretty productive.

I got all of my art stuff into my new organizer, and I packed up all of my books and computer desk stuff. I am going to be getting rid of most of the furniture within the week. As long as I have my craft supplies and my computer readily available I should be fine.

When I got home and got everything put away I had a 3 hour conversation with Mother Earth. That really is what made me feel better, about a lot of things. And I was able to sleep fairly well.

So that was my epic Monday.

Yesterday was a better day.

Jarrett said that we would be able to meet on Wednesday and that he would have $80 for me. He owes $150 with the current bills. He said that he should get paid on the 3rd, so he would have the rest for me then.

He also said that I could turn the internet off, so hopefully I can pick up the equipment today along with the money and have that off of my to do list.

Anyway, the renovations where still going on, so I asked Sam if we could do the mattress tossing a different day. It would be a crazy hassle to move the mattress with all of the tools and cables in the way outside.

She said that was fine, but did I still want to hang out? She’s a super awesome person. And now that she is a graduate, there’s nothing wrong about hanging out off campus.

That’s something that bothers me.

I’m 26. I teach college. I’m an adult teaching adults. Though in a previous post I said I wouldn’t use that label on myself…

The point is that it’s not like I’m some fiend preying on naive children. Sam may have been a student, but we got along and thought of each other as friends. Why would it have been such a big deal to meet for coffee, or to go running?

I understand that some people abuse their positions of power, and that these rules are meant to protect everyone, but at the same time it feels stupid.

She’s a person. I’m a person. So why aren’t we allowed to be people?

Anyway, we arranged to have dinner around 5ish.

The day before I had gotten in touch with one of my friends, Nick.

He, Mark (a previous classmate / roommate) and myself were super close while we were going through our degree. We all three focused on Character Rigging. Out of the 100 or more people in the finals department, we were the only ones interested in that discipline.

We thought of ourselves as the three rig-eteers.

Well, Nick has family in Orlando, so he was in the area for the holidays. It worked out that I came home before he left to go back to LA so we arranged to have lunch yesterday at 1ish.

I went to the gym in the morning, after messaging Jarrett, and setting up a time with Nick. When I got back from the gym I rearranged plans with Sam, which left me with a bit of time to kill so of course the best thing I could think of to do was to scroll mindlessly through Facebook. XD

It ended up being a good investment of my time. I happened to notice a post from a student asking for a ride home from the air port around 4pm.

I read through the comments and didn’t see anyone saying, “Yeah, I’ll get you,” so I sent him a message. I didn’t have anything going on at 4, and if he and his girlfriend still needed a ride I could help.

He replied saying no, they hadn’t been able to work anything out yet. When I offered to pick him up he was so grateful. It made me smile.

So once that was added into my day I went to school to write a bit.

That’s where I finally sat down and wrote about James.

I can’t lie. He’s been in my thoughts a lot, but not because of the sex.

I’ve been thinking about my overall interaction with him verses my interactions with Jarrett, Sir, and Ari. Why I think of it as different in comparison to the other situations I’ve been in, even though I hardly knew him.

And honestly, it keeps coming back to one major thing for me. Maybe two.


First and foremost. I felt respected. Like an equal. And that meant a lot to me.

And understanding. We both understood what the other was, and more importantly, wasn’t, looking for. We were on the same page and we didn’t try to make it into something more, or pressure the other person.

For a while there was part of me who was still worried, and I guess a little disappointed in myself.

I’m supposed to be the good girl. The one who is always well behaved. The example to follow.

Sleeping with a stranger doesn’t seem like a good example.

I can’t change that fact. But I don’t regret my choice.

Life is grey, not black and white.

Mother Earth let me talk though the situation with her, and my emotions, and that helped immensely, and in a large part, that is why I had the courage to finally sit down and write about it.

I’m glad I did.

It was another moment where I put a stake in the ground, making this corner of the Internet my own, regardless of what society thinks.

I may not be perfect, or make the choices that some people think I should. But I am unashamed of being myself. And not writing about something that moved me as much as that encounter did would have been censoring myself, stifling an aspect of myself, bottling up emotions like I used to.

This blog is meant to be an outlet, and I think I am getting more comfortable with that concept as I put it into practice more and more.

It is easy to write about ‘normal’ stuff. But much harder to write about things which might generate backlash. No one likes to be ridiculed.

But this was important to me, and something that I wanted to write about and express, so I did.

Go me.

Once I was done writing the post, it was time for me to head to Nick or I would have been late. So I didn’t actually post to WordPress until later that night, but I wrote everything while I was sitting outside on one of the patios at school, the cool air against my skin as it rained.

It was very cleansing, very pure.

Nick and I ended up going to Chilies’ near the airport. I told him it actually worked out really well since I was picking someone up around 4.

We talked for hours about work, life, school, friends. Everything. It was so awesome being able to spend even a little bit of time with him. He was one of my closest friends while going through college.

Once it got to be about 3:40 I drove him back to his parents’ place.

I didn’t mind driving. He didn’t have a car since he was only visiting for a week. Unlike the situation with Ari, which the more I think about it the more the car thing rubs me the wrong way.

I picked up Kevan and his girlfriend from the airport, which was a bit of an adventure. I only had 20 miles worth of gas in my car, and the termials were pretty backed up.

He said they were in the A terminal, so I sat through traffic to get there, only to find out they were really at the B terminal… so I had to hold my breath the whole time I drove around the loop again to get to the other side, praying my car wouldn’t run out of gas before we could get to a gas station.

Everything worked out fine though.

They actually live super close to my apartment, so no part of picking them up or dropping them off was out of my way at all.

Once they were dropped off I came back home to message Sam.

I was still pretty full from lunch, and in all honesty I needed a break from socializing.

Kevan and I had spent most of the car ride talking about his projects for finals and what he wanted to do. I mentioned different things he may want to look into and lots of fun stuff like that, but after spending all that time with Nick, then Kevan, I wasn’t sure if I was up for another two-ish hours of talking.

Sam was in the middle of doing laundry and needed more time to finish it, and asked if we could hangout later. If we could wait, Tim would be off work, so we all could go out to dinner together. Around 8:30.

I was totally ok with that. XD

Really it was perfect.

Since it was raining the renovation work had stopped so I was able think. There were a handful for daily prompts that I wanted to write on, and I needed to post about James.

Once I was done writing I curled up on the couch for a bit and just rested. I didn’t really sleep, and honestly I wasn’t trying to. I just needed a little bit of time to let go of everything and to be alone and still.

Sam messaged me when her and Tim were heading out, so I got up and met them at Smokey Bones for dinner.

The conversation was fantastic.

She got to tell me all about graduation and her Christmas break. How she spent it with Tim’s family. They both told me about the work they were doing. Personal projects and freelance. Tim got an internship with Elieen, which is awesome.

I’m so happy for both of them. They seem to be doing well with each other.

Once dinner was over we parted ways. At some point this week, maybe tomorrow, the bed will get taken care of. For now I’m still avoiding my room.

I feel I should mention that Nick paid for my lunch earlier that day, and Sam had a coupon which she let me use for dinner, so it was actually fairly cheap.

I came back home and slept on the couch again, since I still didn’t have the batteries for the air mattress.

Today is a bit of a slow day. It’s still wet and icky outside from the rain. It’s already noon.

I haven’t heard from Jarrett yet, though I’ve sent him several messages. I haven’t been to the gym yet either, though that is going to happen shortly.

Really, all I’ve done is woken up and typed for about an hour.

It was nice to catch on these past few days though. It feels like I’ve been crazy busy. Between all of the socializing, lack of good sleep, and two days worth of amazing work outs, I can understand why I’m a little on the low side today.

It sucks that my body is a little under conditioned. Not being consistent with working out over the break has me more sore than normal. Today is going to be a strength day though.

No rest for the wicked.

Post 0113: Daily Prompt – All Grown Up


“When was the first time you felt like a grown up (if ever)?”

Yet another prompt which I had just got done talking to Mother Earth about.

During our conversation the other night, I asked if there was ever a moment, a grand epiphany, where I would wake up one day and feel like an adult.

As a child I remember looking to my mom, grandmother, grandfather, even Jason to a certain extent and thinking how strong they must be. How well they handled everything. Like there was some aura about them of ‘adulthood’ and that one day, I too, would have that aura about me.

I would become awakened. Mature.

I have yet to experience such an event.

I feel as I did when I turned 16. When I turned 18. When I turned 21.

All of these dates which are supposed to be life changing. Defining moments.

I felt nothing different. No angle choir to let me know I had crossed some threshold.

I felt like I did everyday.

I felt like myself.

I have had experiences. I have had relationships. I have bought a car. I have gone to college. I have obtained a stable career.

I have done all of these things, which are ‘adult’ things. But I still don’t feel like I have that otherworldly quality of being an adult.

I asked Mother Earth if there was something I was missing. Something that I was doing wrong. Had my day simply not come yet?

She said that there wasn’t anything like that. At least not for her.

Maybe that’s something that society is doing wrong.

I don’t think adulthood is a state of being. I think it’s a generalization, and a gross one at that.

All of the people I have dated have been older than me, but all of them have been so much more childish than myself. So much less of an adult than what I thought they would be.

Maybe we shouldn’t be worried about being ‘adults’ and ‘grown up’.

Maybe we should put more focus on being kind, and considerate. Maybe we should worry more about being good people rather than grown people.

There isn’t going to be a moment where we hatch out of a cocoon, transformed from a child to an adult. We are always ourselves and as we go through life we gain wisdom through our experiences.

It goes back to a post a little while ago about labels.

I’m not going to label myself as an adult, or a child, mature, immature, young, old.

I don’t like those labels or what they imply.

I am going to give myself the label of ‘Me’, and work on being the best me possible.

Post 0112: Daily Prompt – Hindsight


Now that you’ve got some blogging experience under your belt, re-write your very first post.

I really like this prompt. It was nice to go back and re-read my first post. To remember how it all ended. How it all started.

I can’t really re-write my post. My posts aren’t like that. They are very much in the moment. They describe what I am feeling at the time, what events are going on. Where I am at and where I am going.

They are very free form, and while I can revisit them, live in those moments again, I cannot rewrite them. They are already in their purest form.

Post 0000: First New Post

This was my beginning of being single. This my the beginning of returning to my journey. This was the day that I shaved my head, which seems so long ago now.

I am glad and proud to say that I do love my blog. I love the freedom and peace that posting gives me, and I feel that I have made strides forward in my spiritual wellbeing due to posting.

Rereading my post fills me with pride because I think I am doing fairly well. I remember how I felt when I first moved in with Joshua. And I know how I feel now. How I feel stronger, more stable. How I feel like I’m standing on my own again.

It makes me feel good.

I don’t think I ever wrote down my priorities.

There is a 30 day challenge that I like doing by Chalene Johnson. It focuses on priorities and goals. Identifying where you want to be and the steps you need to take to get there.

Maybe this would be a good time to do it again.

Post 0111: Last Friday Night


So I guess now is as good a time as any to sit and write. At least then I’ll have most everything off of my mind.

So the last I remember fully writing about ‘life’ and not emotional history, I was having anxiety over seeing Allison and her family.

It was a fantastic visit. I got to see her parents, and they had a Christmas gift for me. Watercolor pencils. ❤

I got to hang out with Bob for a little bit, Allison’s boyfriend, and basically it was a full day of catching up on life. I didn’t leave until fairly late. Dinner was amazing, and I need to remember to get the cauliflower recipe from Allison’s mom at some point.

Overall, I worried about nothing, like I knew I was.

The next day was Christmas Eve. I needed to get some thread for cross-stitching, which meant I had to go out into the craziness for it. And of course the first store I went to didn’t have the thread I needed, so I had to go all they way into North Charleston near the mall…

Ugh. Shoot me now.

I was able to get mom and I lunch though, so it was worth the effort.

Lets see. After that it was Christmas, so I spent the day alone. Mom was working. I slept most of the day and cross-stitched.

Friday I was supposed to see Joey, and then Saturday I was supposed to leave to go home.

Instead, I ended up changing my plans.

My cousin Mandie was able to hang out Friday night, so I rain checked with Joey for Saturday, which worked out better because he got off work earlier that day, which meant we would be able to hang out more.

So Friday night I ended up hanging out with Mandie and Travis, her fiancé.

They just got a new house in the middle of nowhere so they could have land for their horses. At the end of their drive way, literally across the street is a bar. Nothing fancy. Just a small building with tables and food, so we got dinner and a few drinks.

I’m normally not one for drinking. I have to feel really comfortable with the people I’m with, and I have to know that I’m safe. I have a place to go, I don’t have obligations to worry about. Things are taken care of. That sort of a thing. Otherwise I’ll worry and not enjoy myself.

I love my cousin, and we always have an amazing time when we hang out.

I was under the impression that we were just grabbing food for a bit and then I would be driving back to my mom’s house. So when she offered to buy me a second drink I said no thank you, and explained that if I had another I wouldn’t be ok to drive for a while.

She said, “I have a couch,” with a mischievous smile. And that’s when I knew that it was going to be a good night. About halfway though my second drink one of Mandie’s neighbors came over to the table and sat down with us.

He seemed pretty cool. An older gentlemen named James.

He was super fun to listen to. I would say talk, but I didn’t talk much while we were at the bar.

Go go introversion.

No one seemed to mind that I was being quiet. When someone asked me a question I answered, and when I had something I wanted to say, I said it. I was totally cool with just sitting back and being present. Enjoying in the energy around me.

We ended up staying at the bar until it closed down at 2am.

Once the bar closed we ended up going to James’ house, which was only one street over from the bar. Super close to Mandie’s house.

I became a bit more social there since there wasn’t the loud music and the other people.

There were a few shots taken, though I didn’t have any. It was straight Jack, which most likely would have killed me. I can hold my own, but I would rather my drinks taste good, rather than being liquid fire.

I have to add this in. James has an amazing house. The kitchen is gorgeous with dark granite counters and counter space that goes on for days. When we first got there Mandie and I asked if we could walk through the house, which James didn’t have an issue with.

The master bathroom was unbelievable. It was crazy to think that James had this amazing house and lived alone.

For a while we were all hanging out in the kitchen. Mandie and Travis left the room, Mandie wanted to show Travis the master bathroom. It seriously was that amazing.

Anyway, that left James and I alone.

There was something about him. It felt like an unspoken understanding. I had felt it when he sat down at the table at the bar.

And then we were alone, and even though I was tipsy, I hadn’t had a drink since we had left the bar, so I wasn’t drunk, I wasn’t uncomfortable with the situation. I wasn’t worried about being left alone with a stranger.

In fact it felt nice.

Really nice.

He said that he wanted to try kissing me and I said that I wanted to try it, too.

He didn’t make any sort of move on me before then. He treated me with respect the whole evening. And even when we kissed, that’s all it was. No lines were crossed.

The kiss was fantastic.

There wasn’t any hang ups involved, no relationship issues between us. It was just about the experience.

He said he liked kissing me. And I’m pretty sure I was blushing when I admitted to enjoying the kiss as well.

When Mandie and Travis were ready to go home I stayed with James. And in all honestly it was one of the best things about my vacation.

We sat on the couch after everyone had left and talked for hours. Literally. Not exaggerating in the slightest.

He told me all sorts of awesome stories about when he was in the Navy. How he was on a nuclear submarine, and how he went to Japan and all sorts of amazing places.

He told me about his most recent relationship and how he was with a woman for five years who never let him be himself. Something that I can relate all to well to.

It wasn’t just about a hookup.

I asked if he did this often, bringing strange girls home from the bar. And he said no. He could have been lying, but I don’t think he was.

I asked, “Why me, then?”

I didn’t mean it as an insensitive question. I was genuinely curious. What was it about me that made him do something different?

He said he just knew. And I knew what he meant because I had known, too. It was a feeling. This was supposed to happen and it wasn’t a bad thing. Him wanting me to stay, and my staying, didn’t make either of us bad people.

He knew that I didn’t live in the area, that I was a teacher who lived in Florida. That I was visiting. We both knew that a relationship wasn’t what we wanted. In fact, we wanted nothing from each other.

That was very freeing, knowing that there weren’t expectations. It felt so organic, and conversation came so easily. I didn’t feel silly or looked down on. He easily could have made me feel that way with our age difference, but he made me feel like an equal.

It did lead to more, and for the first time in what feels like a very long time my experience was spiritually fulfilling as well as physically satisfying. It felt right and pure.

I don’t regret it.

It took Mother Earth talking to me for me to realize why even though I was ok with my actions, why I was still sort of worried over the situation. Anxious.

I was worried about what other people would think of me. Because I know there are people who will think less of me, and that bothers a part of me.

But in all honesty, it doesn’t matter what others think. It is my life, my choices, and my consequences. If I am happy, then what does it matter if someone disagrees with what I do?

I have harmed no one, endangered no one. Morally I have done nothing wrong. So the tension I was feeling, the worry, was unfounded.

Realizing that helped.

Maybe part of it is that even though I didn’t feel like a bad person, I needed to know that the people close to me didn’t think I was a bad person.

I didn’t think less of me. I didn’t think I had done anything wrong. But does that really mean that I’m not a bad person? I have been wrong in the past about things. Could I have been wrong about this situation?

Having someone else, from the outside, talk over the situation logically with me really helped me solidify within myself that, no, I’m not bad. I am making my own choices, and that’s ok. They don’t have to work for everyone. They have to work for me.

So I stayed. And I am happy I did.

One of the things he said to me was to be myself. And that made me feel so warm and accepted.

It made me feel understood. Which is all I ever really want.

In the morning we talked more, we watched a bit of TV and napped. Eventually he needed to go into town so I was going to leave. I had packing and stuff to do anyway since I was leaving the next day.

He actually asked me for my number, and said that if I was ever in town to let him know. He hugged me goodbye before we got into our cars to leave and said thank you.

I don’t care how silly it makes me sound, but I thought that was the kindest thing he could have done.

I had been worrying that I would be kicked out in the morning, or that it would be awkward because it was just an alcohol induced tryst. But no, it wasn’t. It had meant something to him, just like it meant something to me and we were both thankful for the experience.

That was what my Cliché post was about. This encounter.

I am grateful for the memories and the experience, and if we happen to see each other again I can’t lie, a very large part of me would be happy. But I understand that we are in two different worlds and that this may have been my only experience with James.

I’m happy for what it was.

I feel written out. I feel the warmth of acceptance still from my experience, and having written about it brings back those feelings of being understood.

I think I will end here, and save everything else for another post. This experience deserves its own page in my book of memories.

Post 0110: The Power of a Phone Call


So I just got done having a three-hour conversation with Mother Earth.

That was after I ran myself into the ground at the gym, which, by the way, didn’t help me regain my feeling of peace.

10 miles worth of biking, and a little over a ½ mile of running.

So this day hasn’t been what I really was expecting, and that’s after the most frustrating car ride ever yesterday.

Normally traveling home takes roughly 6 hours for me. An hour and a half of that is spent in South Carolina.

Yesterday it took me 3 ish hours to get to the Georgia boarder. I about flipped shit. No joke. I was so frustrated with the whole situation I wanted to cry.

It’s frustrating how super strong emotions manifest themselves as tears for me. I could be super, ridiculously happy, or completely blind with fury, and in both situations I would most likely have tears running down my face.


Anyway, I actually had to call my mom and talk to her about how I was STILL in SC and how leaving on the Sunday after Christmas was the worst idea I had ever had. How I should have stayed and continued to help her with the stuff in the attic, how we could have cleaned up the shed together.

Instead I wasn’t going to get home until 11pm, if I was lucky. I was so angry.

Once I reached Georgia traffic cleared up and the rest of the trip wasn’t bad. But it was still way longer than what I was expecting, and on top of the BS of the work being done to the apartment, the morning wasn’t off to a good start.

Joshua left a bunch of stuff in the fridge that had spoiled. Instead of dealing with it last night, I cleaned it out this morning. The fridge was pretty empty until I went to the store. Totally proud that I actually went out and did that.

I think I should mention that I don’t mind that stuff was left in the fridge and that none of my feelings are directed at Joshua. He’s actually been helping to keep my mood afloat today. I had a few questions for him when I first got back to the apartment, so we’ve been texting back and forth a bit.

For a while I thought about just staying at home instead of going to the store. I had gone to the gym and come back. I didn’t really want to have to go back out. But it was something I had hardcore wanted to get done today, so I went out and did it.

Go me. I deserve a high five or something.

I really don’t know where I’m going with this post since it’s already 3am. I’m more tired than anything at the moment.

I was able to talk through some of my more recent events through the conversation with Mother Earth. There are still some things to deal with, but overall I have a better understanding of what I am feeling for the key events of my vacation.

I know I will write about them, but right now, I’m thinking I’m going to curl up with Scarlet and tomorrow can be an epic post. Starting from hanging out with Allison all they way to my phone conversation tonight.

Before I leave though, I will say that I feel better. More at peace.

We’ll see how long that lasts when the hammers start at 8am.

Post 0109: So Much Angst


I need to complain for a second, or maybe a few minutes.

Actually this might turn into a rant…

I totally understand that my apartment complex is upgrading the buildings, and part of me greatly appreciates their efforts in making sure the buildings they are renting to the tenants are in good condition.

I’m pissed that I didn’t get to sleep until 4am this morning and that I woke up to saws and hammers at 8am.

Instead of working on the roof now they are replacing the siding of the buildings.

I’m pissed that they have been here, all day, playing music and being loud, and that I haven’t been able to hear myself think, not that I could really form coherent words because I’m so tired and frustrated.

Going to the gym may make me feel better, but right now I’m raging so much on the inside that I don’t think I could fake a smile for the receptionist.

I feel like I should quarantine myself. Keep everyone away, keep myself contained somewhere until these feelings pass.

I want these people to go away, to leave me in silence. I want to have the mental energy to go to the store and finishing doing the chores that I had planed for myself. But I have to figure out everything I need from the store and I can’t plan when I can’t hear my own thoughts.

I have tons of other things on my mind. Things I should be writing about and putting energy into, but the only thing I can think of is how there’s an army of people right outside my apartment, and that even though it’s 6pm they haven’t left yet.

By the time they leave, I recoup and ease the introvert inside me it’s going to be too late to do anything and I’ll feel like I’ve wasted most of my day (even though I really haven’t, I did get a fair amount of stuff done).


This wasn’t what I wanted to come back home to. This wasn’t how I thought my Monday would go (there’s more to the story than just apartment work).

And all I can think about is this tension and angst. This trapped feeling.

I think I am going to go to the gym. Maybe bike since I ran the other day. Finally.

Again, so much to write about that I haven’t yet. So much on my mind, which I can’t focus on and being dealing with because of the intrusion into my safe space.

I thought when the roofing was done that all of the work was complete. I was gone for three weeks.

Three weeks.

And they couldn’t have finished what they needed to while I was away?

Part of me wants to ask, “What the fuck? Seriously?”

This is a good thing. The fixes are good. Logically I know that.

Why couldn’t it have waited until next week when I’m at work again? Or have been completed while I wasn’t even in the freaking state.

Why did it have to start right now? Today?

I’m going to go run in circles until this negativity has been used up, or until I’m too tired and have to crawl back to my car.

That seems like a better use of my time then feeding into my frustration.

Post 0108: Daily Prompt – Cliche


 Clichés become clichés for a reason.
Tell us about the last time a bird in the hand was worth two in the bush for you.

It feels like there is someone at WordPress, following me, making daily prompts that line up with the current events in my life. Or at least relevant to what I want to post about.

I know this isn’t true, but still.

Pretty creepy…

Anywho. As for this prompt…

I’ll give no details. At least not yet. Maybe later. Maybe never.

I am still processing. And most likely will for the whole six hours I drive tomorrow to get back home.

But I have already decided on the most important thing.

I am happy.

With myself. With my choices. With the memories.

I am happy with reality. I am happy with what was given freely.

It would be wrong to ask for more. To long for more. Or to try to plan, and scheme my way into getting more.

That’s selfish. That’s ungrateful. And in a way, that would be childish of me.

I want to be none of those things.

This bird came freely on its own accord. It graced me with its presence.

This raptor of the skies, settled on my hand, regarded me, keen eyes recognizing another hunter. A mutual respect passing between us.

If it happens to fly away, then at least I have this brief time, this exchange, which I will cherish.

Another moment defining who I am.

Buddhism teaches that suffering is caused by not accepting life as it is. From wanting things to be different than what they are.

The other birds in the forest may be beautiful, and they may sing sweeter songs. But those birds did not choose me.

Seeking out the other birds would cause suffering within me. Longing would cause dissatisfaction with what I have been given. It would tarnish these memories, warping them, feeding into insecurities and darkness.

I don’t want that.

I cherish my gift. My memories.

I am thankful. So thankful. So much more whole and reaffirmed.

I know you will most likely never read this, oh bird of prey, and that you may fly away.

I understand that. Respect that. Acknowledge my reality and accept it completely within myself.

So in these words, as small and inadequate as they are, I want to pour all of my gratitude. My closure and peace for whatever else may come.

Thank you. For everything.

Post 0107: Daily Prompt – Mystery Box


“You wake up one morning to find a beautifully wrapped package next to your bed.
Attached to it is a note: “Open me, if you dare.”
What’s inside the mystery box? Do you open it?”

How odd that this is a daily prompt after I just wrote a novel of a post about why I dislike receiving gifts.

If I were in a situation where I woke up with a present next to me, I don’t think I would open it. Not unless I knew who it was from and, at least to some extent, why it was being given.

Gifts tend to be a trigger for me. I get extreme anxiety if they come from a significant other due to events in my past.

The longer I have known the person, the easier it is for me to accept gifts from them, but even after years I still feel fear sometimes, and that makes me hesitant and cautious.

Playing devil’s advocate for a moment, if the present is next to my bed, I obviously am extremely close with this person. So it may override the fear, and I would open it.

Or… they are a creepy stalking breaking into my room… In which case I would be freaking out and not touching the gift for fear of messing up the finger prints on it that the police would use to track down Mr. (or Ms.) Stalky McStalkerson.

So many directions this situation could play out.

My first, instinctual, response however, is no. I would not open it, and I would prefer to receive nothing.

As to what is in the box… I’m not sure. Hopefully not a dead cat. That would only add to the Stalker theory I have going on in my head.

Maybe it’s just another thing that I’m really weird about, but for some reason I don’t view dead cats as a sign of love and undying devotion.

Sorry Schrodinger. Guess I’m not the girl for you.