Continuing on with recapping all of the writing that I haven’t been doing….
Saturday evening I got to see Joey and finally meet his wife, Katy. She super liked the wedding gift that I stitched for them, which made me feel good.
She is also a teacher, though she teaches seventh grade, so we had a pretty easy time conversing. We talked about Christmas, and family drama. Joey was playing the new Lord of the Rings game, so we talked about graphics and storyline. All in all it was a good time.
The end was a little awkward. I asked Joey for a hug, which is normal for me. Katy said that since she was his wife, all requests for hugs needed to go through her.
I understand why she said that, and I know she has every right to that. But it made me feel… I don’t know. Not good?
Joey has been my friend for years. Longer than she has known him for sure.
I didn’t mean to over step any lines, and I didn’t feel like I had. This was something that had been established before her.
I don’t know. I need to meditate more on it. Aside from that one instance, the evening was fine.
Mandie and I were going to try to hang out one last time before I left, but we were both tired, so I went back home to spend the evening with my mom instead.
Since the week was screwy with it being Christmas, my mom had Sunday off. Normally she would have worked. Since we were both home we decided to do some work in the attic before going out for lunch and then seeing me on my way.
My mom has been on this huge kick of getting rid of stuff and downsizing so she can move out to Los Vegas to be closer to Jace. So all Sunday morning we were taking stuff out of the attic so she wouldn’t have to do it alone.
We got a ton done, so that felt good.
Afterwards we went to Moe’s for lunch.
When I had gone out on a previous day I almost had a freak out when I drove past it.
It was empty. Like… closed down empty. Not even tables or chairs inside empty.
How could my favorite place close down? And they always had business. How was it possible?
Mind = blown
Lucky I was looking both ways before turning a corner because I saw a new building that hadn’t been there on my last visit, and inside of that plaza was a ‘new’ Moe’s. So I guess they just moved to a bigger location.
I had told my mom about my minor heart attack, and how it would be awesome to go to the new place just to see what it was like on the inside. They also had a patio section for outdoor seating.
So we went there for lunch, and sat outside because it was a super nice day.
Once we were done with lunch we came back home, I finished putting a few things into the car and we said goodbye.
Both my mom and I are bad with goodbyes, so ours are normally short and too the point. Otherwise we’ll both be a mess.
So that wrapped up my trip home.
I wrote about the car ride of doom… words cannot describe how much those three hours sucked.
So Sunday was pretty much a bust once I started on my trip back to Orlando.
Monday was rough because there was work being done on the apartment, and that started super early in the morning.
It didn’t help that on top of not getting much sleep, I didn’t sleep well.
I had been fearing coming back home.
Would Seth’s heat lamp have caused a small fire? Would Seth be dead? Would the apartment have been broken into? Was the oven left on? Had there been a leak in the apartment above us that completely destroyed our apartment?
You know… Things that could happen, but most likely didn’t…. Because I can never worry enough.
Well, one of the things I was sort of worrying about was coming home and my walls being covered in bed bugs. A giant black mass of swarming bugs, crawling all over my things.
Sort of silly and irrational, but no one ever said my brain was rational.
The walls were clean, and I poked around the bed but didn’t see anything. There hadn’t been any bugs before I left, so I thought it was ok.
I got into bed and tried sleeping, but it was sort of awkward. I hadn’t been in my room in so long. I needed to adjust to it. And there was a paranoid part of me that was freaking out, waiting for bugs to start crawling on me.
After a while the paranoia got to me. I kept thinking I felt them on me, and I couldn’t shake the feeling. I turned the lights on and started looking again. Maybe I was freaking out over nothing, or maybe I was right and had just missed them.
Sadly, it was the latter. There were bugs. I hadn’t been freaking out. I even found the nest where they had been hiding.
I had worried when I got the bed from Alex that there were still a few stragglers around, and that if they got into the bed that it would be ruined. And I guess I was right.
So once I found the bugs I changed cloths and slept on the couch.
Shortly after the hammers started up, and there was going to be no sleeping through that.
I sent Sam a text, asking her if she wouldn’t mind helping me move the mattress to the dumpster. Since it’s a king, I wouldn’t be able to do it on my own. I offered to get lunch / dinner in exchange for the help.
She said yeah, but that it would have to be Tuesday since she was working.
That was fine with me. I would just avoid my room. Which I have been doing fairly well.
While all of this was going on Ari messaged me. She had been messaging me on and off through my vacation, saying how she missed me and wanted to see me. How she couldn’t wait for me to be back in Orlando.
For some reason those messages bothered me.
I feel like I should be happy about them. That most people would read messages like that and think nothing of them. It’s just a friend expressing how they want to hang out.
But for me it’s not like that. I feel pressured. There’s this need, this obligation, on my time now. The constant reminders of wanting to hangout only add to the feeling of obligation.
“Hey, we haven’t done this yet. Wouldn’t it be cool if we did this? Wouldn’t it be awesome if we met up?”
No… actually it wouldn’t because I want to be alone and you’re not leaving me alone so I want to hang out even less…
And it doesn’t help that the last time Ari and I hung out, she didn’t respect my boundaries.
The thought of hanging out with her just seemed like a hot mess.
When she asked if I wanted to do lunch, I thought that might be a fair compromise. We could hang out, in public, for a short period of time. I could fulfill this obligation to socialize, and then go about being productive for the day.
We agreed to meet for lunch at Subway. She still needed to get ready so I ran out to school first, then the bank since I needed to get money for the phone bill.
When I texted Ari saying I was about to head to Subway she asked if I could pick her up since she wasn’t done getting ready yet.
I didn’t see why that would matter. She could just drive over when she was done, but I agreed because I really didn’t have a reason to say no, other than it made me feel awkward.
I just wanted to hang out. I didn’t want this to be a date. And picking her up made it seem more ‘date’ like.
I picked her up, and she was super touchy, and I’m not going to lie, I was sort of cold and didn’t touch her back. The term Ice Bitch comes to mind.
I didn’t hug her or anything. I smiled and was warm, and said how good it was to see her, but I wasn’t physically affectionate. I didn’t want to be because a hug wouldn’t be just a hug for her.
This wasn’t a date. I had errands I needed to do, and other stuff on my mind, and we were supposed to be friends getting lunch.
Friends don’t rub up on your arm.
While we were eating lunch Ari asked if I would mind her hanging out with me while I did my chores. Her and Sara were having issues and she didn’t want to be home alone with her.
All I could think inside of my head was how my day was lost. How it was going to be nothing like what I wanted or imagined.
But I couldn’t say no. At least morally it felt like I couldn’t say no. I know exactly what it’s like to be in a situation like that. And it sucks feeling trapped.
Though now that I think about it, of course after everything went down, Ari had a car. If she didn’t want to be home she could have gone somewhere else.
Maybe it was more that she needed to be around someone else. Needed someone to reaffirm for her that she was a good person.
I know those emotions, too…
Sometimes I really wish I could only see one side of a situation.
Anyway, she ended up spending the day with me.
After lunch we came back to my apartment, which I super didn’t want to do. But I needed my notebook, the one I keep all of my notes and to-dos in. Of course, the one time I leave home without it is the one time I have someone with me who I don’t want in my apartment.
I needed to get an envelope and stamp for the money, too.
I was totally awkward about it. This is my safe space. No one was supposed to be here.
She kissed me, and was pretty handys. I told her that I didn’t want to do anything. That I wasn’t ready for it. And that’s the truth. With her I’m not, nor do I think I ever will be.
The encounter with James was so different. He acted like a gentlemen and didn’t do anything that I was uncomfortable with. He always asked before doing anything. And I fully believe if I had said no that he would have stopped.
Ari doesn’t. It feels like it doesn’t matter what I say. If I say no, she’ll keep pushing until I give in because it’s easier to give in then to stand my ground.
I don’t think that’s right. Or fair.
I should stand my ground and not back down. I fully realize that.
At the same time, I should be shown respect.
If our friendship is so important, than she should have the restraint to back off when I say the situation makes me uncomfortable. Which I don’t beat around the bush with that. I state plainly, “I’m not ok with this.” And she keeps egging it on.
It reminds me of something I saw on Facebook the other day. It’s so true though that it makes me sad.
This whole thing led to a pretty in-depth conversation about how because of my past relationships I feel like any sort of affection is an obligation to sex. How all I want is to have a hug from someone and for it to legitimately just be a hug.
I don’t now if I’m explaining the difference between James and Ari correctly. All I know is that with James it felt like a choice. A choice I was making. And with Ari it didn’t feel like a choice. If I said no she wouldn’t be happy because that wasn’t the answer she wanted, and she would push to try to get her way.
I told Ari how what I really needed was a friend. Someone I could hang out with, someone I could feel safe with.
She said that she felt awful because she didn’t realize that was what I wanted.
It was frustrating because she became self deprecating, so I had to comfort her and say how she wasn’t an bad person, even though I was the one who felt violated.
And even after all that, we still did most of my errands together.
I mailed the money to Sir. I tried switching the phone over to MetroPCs but that was a bust.
I was told the phone was unlocked, but when I went to the store they said it wasn’t.
I told Sir, but I don’t think he’s done anything about calling ATnT, so I’m going to be going to the store later today to do it myself.
One of those situations where if you want something done right, do it yourself I guess.
After the phone adventure I went to Jo Anne’s to get a storage container for my arts and crafts. It was 50% off, so I was super stoked about that.
I absolutely love it. There’s 6 containers with locking lids. 4 of them have small sections in the front of the container so you can store smaller things, like my needle cases. Two of them are just big containers, no dividers or anything.
Since I am going to have to move in April I wanted to go ahead and pack my stuff back up. I have the time to do it now, without the craziness of work, class, and who knows what else I’ll have subjected myself to by then.
The new storage container fits all of my craft supplies and computer desk stuff, so I got rid of several boxes in place of a durable, fairly portable, unit.
Fuck flowers. Give me an organizational gadget any day. ❤
In the spirit of packing, I wanted to get a few more containers from Home Deopt while I was out, so I could pack up most of my stuff once I got home.
Well, Home Deopt didn’t have the containers I wanted. Go figure. Another bust on my list of to-dos.
I needed to feed Seth, so I ran out to the pet store to get him a rat. Since we were in the area I ran by Lowes to see if they had the containers I was looking for, which they did. On sale even. So I got two.
Yay for not being a bust!
I had planned on doing my grocery shopping, but since Ari had spent the day with me, I never had a chance to do my meal planning. So I wormed my way out of further socializing by saying that I wanted to go to the gym.
Which to be fair, that was a truth. I did need to get to the gym at some point, but I wanted to do my planning first, and I couldn’t do that and still entertain someone.
I ended up dropping Ari off at her apartment, and the relief I felt was pretty immediate.
I came back home to try to regroup and figure out what still needed to be done, but the renovation work was still going on and I couldn’t get my thoughts straight, especially not with all of the confusion and frustration with Ari still so close to the surface.
I couldn’t even write because everything was so distracting.
I ended up going to the gym to try to work the frustration out. It helped a little, but not as much as I was hoping.
My legs hate me right now because of my shin splints, but it was actually a really good, intense workout.
In a way it sort of set my standard for getting back into my routine. Nothing half assed. It’s all or nothing. So I gave it my all.
Unfortunately, it didn’t give me the inner peace I was looking for.
While I was working out Mother Earth tried calling me. I texted back saying that I had been at the gym and if it would be alright to call after grocery shopping.
She said that was fine, so I came back home. I figured out my meals and made my list and was honestly thinking about not going back out. I was tired, my legs hurt from running, it was dark…
All of these reasons in my head for why it should wait.
After a few minutes going back and forth I got strict with myself and said, “No.”
We’re going out. We’re doing the grocery shopping. It’s what you wanted to get done today, more than any of the other things, and you’re just going to sit here and feel sorry for yourself if you don’t do it.
So no. Get up, get the keys, and go to the store. /stern parental glare
Fine… If I have to…
So I did.
I went to Publix first since they were closing soon, and most of the stuff I wanted / needed was from there.
After that I went to Walmart. I had enough money to get an air mattress, though it didn’t list what batteries the pump needed so I wasn’t able to use it that night.
I’m happy that I got everything done, and that despite the day being drastically different than what I as hoping or expecting, it was still pretty productive.
I got all of my art stuff into my new organizer, and I packed up all of my books and computer desk stuff. I am going to be getting rid of most of the furniture within the week. As long as I have my craft supplies and my computer readily available I should be fine.
When I got home and got everything put away I had a 3 hour conversation with Mother Earth. That really is what made me feel better, about a lot of things. And I was able to sleep fairly well.
So that was my epic Monday.
Yesterday was a better day.
Jarrett said that we would be able to meet on Wednesday and that he would have $80 for me. He owes $150 with the current bills. He said that he should get paid on the 3rd, so he would have the rest for me then.
He also said that I could turn the internet off, so hopefully I can pick up the equipment today along with the money and have that off of my to do list.
Anyway, the renovations where still going on, so I asked Sam if we could do the mattress tossing a different day. It would be a crazy hassle to move the mattress with all of the tools and cables in the way outside.
She said that was fine, but did I still want to hang out? She’s a super awesome person. And now that she is a graduate, there’s nothing wrong about hanging out off campus.
That’s something that bothers me.
I’m 26. I teach college. I’m an adult teaching adults. Though in a previous post I said I wouldn’t use that label on myself…
The point is that it’s not like I’m some fiend preying on naive children. Sam may have been a student, but we got along and thought of each other as friends. Why would it have been such a big deal to meet for coffee, or to go running?
I understand that some people abuse their positions of power, and that these rules are meant to protect everyone, but at the same time it feels stupid.
She’s a person. I’m a person. So why aren’t we allowed to be people?
Anyway, we arranged to have dinner around 5ish.
The day before I had gotten in touch with one of my friends, Nick.
He, Mark (a previous classmate / roommate) and myself were super close while we were going through our degree. We all three focused on Character Rigging. Out of the 100 or more people in the finals department, we were the only ones interested in that discipline.
We thought of ourselves as the three rig-eteers.
Well, Nick has family in Orlando, so he was in the area for the holidays. It worked out that I came home before he left to go back to LA so we arranged to have lunch yesterday at 1ish.
I went to the gym in the morning, after messaging Jarrett, and setting up a time with Nick. When I got back from the gym I rearranged plans with Sam, which left me with a bit of time to kill so of course the best thing I could think of to do was to scroll mindlessly through Facebook. XD
It ended up being a good investment of my time. I happened to notice a post from a student asking for a ride home from the air port around 4pm.
I read through the comments and didn’t see anyone saying, “Yeah, I’ll get you,” so I sent him a message. I didn’t have anything going on at 4, and if he and his girlfriend still needed a ride I could help.
He replied saying no, they hadn’t been able to work anything out yet. When I offered to pick him up he was so grateful. It made me smile.
So once that was added into my day I went to school to write a bit.
That’s where I finally sat down and wrote about James.
I can’t lie. He’s been in my thoughts a lot, but not because of the sex.
I’ve been thinking about my overall interaction with him verses my interactions with Jarrett, Sir, and Ari. Why I think of it as different in comparison to the other situations I’ve been in, even though I hardly knew him.
And honestly, it keeps coming back to one major thing for me. Maybe two.
First and foremost. I felt respected. Like an equal. And that meant a lot to me.
And understanding. We both understood what the other was, and more importantly, wasn’t, looking for. We were on the same page and we didn’t try to make it into something more, or pressure the other person.
For a while there was part of me who was still worried, and I guess a little disappointed in myself.
I’m supposed to be the good girl. The one who is always well behaved. The example to follow.
Sleeping with a stranger doesn’t seem like a good example.
I can’t change that fact. But I don’t regret my choice.
Life is grey, not black and white.
Mother Earth let me talk though the situation with her, and my emotions, and that helped immensely, and in a large part, that is why I had the courage to finally sit down and write about it.
I’m glad I did.
It was another moment where I put a stake in the ground, making this corner of the Internet my own, regardless of what society thinks.
I may not be perfect, or make the choices that some people think I should. But I am unashamed of being myself. And not writing about something that moved me as much as that encounter did would have been censoring myself, stifling an aspect of myself, bottling up emotions like I used to.
This blog is meant to be an outlet, and I think I am getting more comfortable with that concept as I put it into practice more and more.
It is easy to write about ‘normal’ stuff. But much harder to write about things which might generate backlash. No one likes to be ridiculed.
But this was important to me, and something that I wanted to write about and express, so I did.
Once I was done writing the post, it was time for me to head to Nick or I would have been late. So I didn’t actually post to WordPress until later that night, but I wrote everything while I was sitting outside on one of the patios at school, the cool air against my skin as it rained.
It was very cleansing, very pure.
Nick and I ended up going to Chilies’ near the airport. I told him it actually worked out really well since I was picking someone up around 4.
We talked for hours about work, life, school, friends. Everything. It was so awesome being able to spend even a little bit of time with him. He was one of my closest friends while going through college.
Once it got to be about 3:40 I drove him back to his parents’ place.
I didn’t mind driving. He didn’t have a car since he was only visiting for a week. Unlike the situation with Ari, which the more I think about it the more the car thing rubs me the wrong way.
I picked up Kevan and his girlfriend from the airport, which was a bit of an adventure. I only had 20 miles worth of gas in my car, and the termials were pretty backed up.
He said they were in the A terminal, so I sat through traffic to get there, only to find out they were really at the B terminal… so I had to hold my breath the whole time I drove around the loop again to get to the other side, praying my car wouldn’t run out of gas before we could get to a gas station.
Everything worked out fine though.
They actually live super close to my apartment, so no part of picking them up or dropping them off was out of my way at all.
Once they were dropped off I came back home to message Sam.
I was still pretty full from lunch, and in all honesty I needed a break from socializing.
Kevan and I had spent most of the car ride talking about his projects for finals and what he wanted to do. I mentioned different things he may want to look into and lots of fun stuff like that, but after spending all that time with Nick, then Kevan, I wasn’t sure if I was up for another two-ish hours of talking.
Sam was in the middle of doing laundry and needed more time to finish it, and asked if we could hangout later. If we could wait, Tim would be off work, so we all could go out to dinner together. Around 8:30.
I was totally ok with that. XD
Really it was perfect.
Since it was raining the renovation work had stopped so I was able think. There were a handful for daily prompts that I wanted to write on, and I needed to post about James.
Once I was done writing I curled up on the couch for a bit and just rested. I didn’t really sleep, and honestly I wasn’t trying to. I just needed a little bit of time to let go of everything and to be alone and still.
Sam messaged me when her and Tim were heading out, so I got up and met them at Smokey Bones for dinner.
The conversation was fantastic.
She got to tell me all about graduation and her Christmas break. How she spent it with Tim’s family. They both told me about the work they were doing. Personal projects and freelance. Tim got an internship with Elieen, which is awesome.
I’m so happy for both of them. They seem to be doing well with each other.
Once dinner was over we parted ways. At some point this week, maybe tomorrow, the bed will get taken care of. For now I’m still avoiding my room.
I feel I should mention that Nick paid for my lunch earlier that day, and Sam had a coupon which she let me use for dinner, so it was actually fairly cheap.
I came back home and slept on the couch again, since I still didn’t have the batteries for the air mattress.
Today is a bit of a slow day. It’s still wet and icky outside from the rain. It’s already noon.
I haven’t heard from Jarrett yet, though I’ve sent him several messages. I haven’t been to the gym yet either, though that is going to happen shortly.
Really, all I’ve done is woken up and typed for about an hour.
It was nice to catch on these past few days though. It feels like I’ve been crazy busy. Between all of the socializing, lack of good sleep, and two days worth of amazing work outs, I can understand why I’m a little on the low side today.
It sucks that my body is a little under conditioned. Not being consistent with working out over the break has me more sore than normal. Today is going to be a strength day though.
No rest for the wicked.