Daily Post 008: Post-DaVita

Today is my first day writing post-DaVita. It’s my third day being “not a PCT”. It’s… different. It’s… not heavy. Each day I do a little better. Each day I get a little more done. Each day I add a chore or a task or a “thing”, whatever that may end up being. Today it’s writing.

I had counseling today. It focused more on the holidays and my plans for them and how I cope with the emotions that inevitably surface. It wasn’t until roughly the last 15 minutes of our session that I mentioned how I had quit my job and already accepted another. Talk about dropping a bombshell.

Overall, it was a good session. I didn’t cry. I didn’t feel the need to cry. Even when we started talking about mom and death and grief. I felt ok with my emotions. I know they will come and visit. I know it will be hard to sit with them again and break bread. I won’t “want” to welcome them but being angry or sad or frustrated with myself for feeling those emotions isn’t going to make feeling them any easier.

I have had dreams lately. Positive dreams, or at least reassuring.

The one I remember most had to do with swimming. I was at a swim meet. I was supposed to do laps. The pool side was crowded, and I was worried. I couldn’t find where I was supposed to be. I couldn’t see my spot through all the people. But I found it, an empty spot just for me. The place I was supposed to be, where I belonged. The race started and I dove into the water. I knew what I was doing. My strokes were strong and sure. I was headed in this direction, all I had to do was keep going and focus on my intention.

Part way through the race I got nervous. I couldn’t see through all the splashing water. I’ve never swum laps before. I know, in theory, how to turn once you reach the other side of the pool, but I personally have never done it. During the race I became worried. How was I going to pull off the turn when I couldn’t see the wall? What if I made a fool of myself in front of everyone? What if I ran headfirst into the wall and hurt myself? What if, what if, what if…?

Suddenly the water stilled, and I could see the wall. I dove and completed the turn without issue, continuing to swim was ease, knowing that I was still doing the right thing, that I was able to do the right thing and that events would fall into place as they were meant to.

I woke up feeling more ok with my choice. Right now, I’m still in the process of swimming. Things are still in motion and some things on the other side of that motion are unclear. Just because I can’t see the other side doesn’t mean I don’t know what I’m doing or that the direction I’m going in is wrong. I need to focus on my intention, my purpose, and keep going. Everything else will fall into place and be clear when it’s meant to be clear.

That’s how I’m choosing to think of my dreams at least. All the uncertainty and confusion, fear and self-doubt… that’s all normal. I know myself and my ability. I need to have faith in that, in myself, and so I am. One day at a time, one step at a time.

I miss my team. I miss my patients. I no longer feel a soul-crushing weight when I wake up in the morning. Some of my patients and I are friends on Facebook now, since I’m not longer an employee. It might be the ending of me starting their treatments, but it means we can have a beginning as true friends. It’s so much different on this side of my choice than I thought it would be. So much more supportive and… connective. I feel free to be me and I’m enjoying the process of self-discovery.

There is so much and more to write about, but hopefully this is the start of many more to come. I’m starting to look forward to the future again. I’m starting to be and feel alive and that is a deeply missed and appreciated feeling.