Disclaimer: This is written very specifically for one person.
I’ve been thinking and tiptoeing around my feelings these past few days. I’ve consciously not written about them. One, because I wasn’t really ready to, and two, because I know you read my blog.
I’m not going to tiptoe anymore. As you said, “Be unbridled.”
This is my corner. I’m not going to apologize for what I feel. You read this at your own risk, which is why I don’t mind that you read it. If you don’t want to know my honest thoughts then don’t read them. I’m not going to talk about this post on Skype with you. I’m not going to respond text messages about this, or answer phone calls.
This is my journal. It would be no different if it were a book on a coffee table. You know what is written here is personal. You know you may not like it. It’s your choice to read further. I’m not writing it to start a fight or argument. I’m not writing it to hurt your feelings or to make you feel bad.
I understand you are going through an extremely hard moment in your life. I’m not trying to make that worse. However, I’m not going to let that take away my right to express how I feel about the events going on in my life.
This post is extremely personal, and not up for discussion later. It is a cathartic writing meant only to rid myself of the discord which is eating away at me like acid. I know you won’t like this writing. I know some of it may offend you, anger you, sadden you. It’s not going to be pleasant, but neither is carrying around these emotions inside me and feeling like the one place I have created where I can express them is being taken away.
It’s not. I’m putting another stake down in cyber land. I knew when I started this blog that not everyone would like it. I made a promise to myself to be honest in my writing, no matter how it reflected on me. It’s the good and bad. It’s me.
Pure, unadulterated, unbridled me.
Sometimes anger and frustration is part of it.
Who I Have Been With
We talked about this. How when you brought it up during our phone conversation last week that it hadn’t felt good. And in the Skype conversation we talked about how it made me feel like you thought I was dishonorable.
Those feelings are still there. Feelings don’t just evaporate because someone says, “I’m sorry. That’s not how I meant it.”
If you throw a plate on the ground and tell it, “I’m sorry,” it’s still going to be on the ground, broken. Words don’t fix anything.
It made me feel misunderstood, like you don’t know me at all. All of the times I write about being lonely and feeling isolated, alienated… How, with all the times I have written about wanting affection and a hug, can you think I’ve been free with my body?
Yes, I’m going to feel bad that you have that opinion of me. And no, those feelings aren’t going to just go away. I feel it’s unfair that you brought it up. It is ok for you to have been with however many people. We both know it’s happened.
But my one time in seven months is too much.
That is an unfair standard.
I understand that you still have feelings for me, and I understand the feelings of possessiveness and protection, because I was jealous when you said Luna was coming over. She wasn’t me, so I didn’t like it.
I get where you’re coming from.
There were so many other ways you could have asked that question rather than making me feel like a streetwalker. So many other words you could have used. There were so many ways to not cheapen and degrade my one experience that I thought was genuine enough to allow myself to have since being with you.
I’m hurt and angry over that because no matter how many times you say sorry, part of you believed I was low, and sorry doesn’t fix that you thought poorly of my character.
Propositioning Me
I also understand that I am pansexual, and that inquiring if I am still interested in women in and of itself is not insulting.
It felt wrong in the context of the situation.
Mentioning how it would be a favor if I would consider being with a person you have known less then a month when I am trying to be emotionally supportive makes me feel cheap. There’s an added level of abrasiveness to it when I said it would depend on how I got along with the person, and if it went anywhere, that I would want it to stay between her and I, and you counter with how you would want to be there for any sort of play.
It wouldn’t be play for me. I’m not interested in play. I’m interested in a deep, one-on-one connection with someone. I’m not the Discovery Channel, which is what I feel like right now. I’m not something to watch for amusement.
I didn’t talk to you to hook up with someone, or to arrange anything of the sort, and when I gave an inch I seriously feel like you took a mile.
Ok, so someone wants to experience a female partner for the first time. I could entertain the idea under these conditions. These are my limits.
But those conditions weren’t good enough. Those limits were too much.
A situation like that would have nothing to do with compassion and empathy for what you’re going through. I’m mostly angry about it because your statement came after I had clearly stated what I was ok with. For me, it was blatant disregard for my feelings and limits.
Possibly All In My Head
I know this section may be wrong of me. I’m still going to write about it because it’s part of the discord. I don’t want an explanation. I don’t care about what is right, or true. I’m writing to get the feelings out, and once I’m done writing they will be gone. Contacting me in away way regarding this situation, or trying to explain what ‘really’ happened is NOT ok.
I understand you had plans with Luna before we had spoken, so it didn’t bother me that you kept your plans with her. I wanted to be in her place, and part of me was jealous and I’m not going to deny that.
I was under the impression that the plans for Em staying the night were tentative, or at least not solid. You said she ‘may’ stay. Because we had been talking so much I thought if plans were so tentative, and you wanted to see me as much as you had said, that you would have arranged for your evening to be free.
I had made it clear that I would be tired after working and being awake for so long, that I wouldn’t have the energy to meet a new person, and that I would like to meet Em somewhere public first. Getting tea or lunch. Something neutral, none threatening. Not a bedroom I’ve never been in at 1am.
But she stayed the night, and I felt worthless.
I felt like it wasn’t me that you wanted company from. As long as it was ‘someone’ then it’s fine. Anyone will do.
I’m not going to be just someone. I’m not going to be an option you can randomly call to fill a void. And that’s what I felt like.
Again. Maybe it was word choice and those plans were solid before I entered the picture. Maybe this part of the situation is all fictitious inside of my head, but I wasn’t ok with it. It was not how I wanted my night to end.
I guess this part of the situation is girlish and silly of me. I felt like you seriously wanted my company again. And not just in a sexual way. I felt like the companionship we used to have was there, and that you wanted it too, and that you would want it enough to respect my need to not have another person involved. I thought you wanted to reconnect. Just us.
But your actions said otherwise and a lot of the emotions I felt last night were directed at myself. I was angry at myself. At my own expectations, which weren’t fair to you.
You are your own person, and you are allowed to make whatever choices you want. I am in control of how I react to those choices. I am responsible for my own emotions, and so I recognize that what I felt and still feel, are entirely my own doing.
I am not angry that Em stayed. I am not angry at her or you for having time together. I am angry at myself for being ridged and unbending, and for expecting. It is not fair of me to expect. That takes away your freedom. And I apologize for that.
Broke Pieces Shatter Further
I admit that when I woke up this morning I still had the broken pieces of yesterday at the forefront of my mind. I was hurt that I was waking up alone. That I wasn’t important or special enough. I was thinking negative thoughts.
I know I was being emo. I know I was brooding and being childish, and I even wrote that yesterday. That I knew I was doing this to myself, but I couldn’t stop or change how I felt.
I woke up to a single word from you on my phone.
You: “Cross?”
Um… Yes… You know I am. If the title “Angst and Frustration” didn’t tip you off I don’t know what would have.
It actually took a long time for me to type my one word reply because of the wasp’s nest inside of me. I wanted to reach out to you. I wanted to feel like I still mattered, and that I wasn’t just a body. I was a person with feelings. I was a friend, and the situation was just something I was blowing out of proportion. I wanted reassurance that what I felt was wrong.
Me: “Morning”
You: “Try again”
Fuck you. How’s that for try again, because that’s what it feels like you just typed to me.
I understand that I was your submissive. I understand that I still think of you as Sir, and that I will most likely always use that title when I refer to you in a conversation because using your actual name feels wrong. You are Sir, forever and always. Just like I’m Freya. It’s how we identify each other.
I understand we have history.
Telling me to try again so I type, “Morning, Sir” is specifically an act of dominance / submission.
I am NOT your submissive.
That message was a conscious, knowing, effort on your part to establish or invoke feelings of those roles again.
I am a friend reaching out to you to be supportive. Telling me to try again when I send you a greeting was like getting slapped in the face. I was still angry and hurt, and the second interaction I have with any living being is to be told that what I said wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t said the right way.
It was said perfectly fine. There was nothing wrong with saying “Morning”. Nothing needed to be tried again.
I don’t think that comment was fair. At all. I feel it was very uncalled for and inappropriate. I didn’t offer to reestablish our dynamic. I felt like I treated you with respect through all of our interactions online and on the phone.
I don’t think you did the same for me, and that makes me angry, hurt, and frustrated.
This post is the result of me trying turn the other cheek and not say anything. This discord is the price I pay for my silence, and I’m sorry for not communicating better. I know part, if not all, of this is my own doing since, again, I am solely responsible for how I react to the events in my life.
I feel there was not a mutual level of respect, and so while I may be an overreacting, raging, destructive catastrophe right now, I feel that I am justified.
Fire is erupting, pushing through the earth that tried so hard to bury all of the conflict and discord. I am a volcano, lava destroying everything in its path. Hot. Volatile. A force which cannot be stopped nor stifled.
Tomorrow I will wake up. And it will be a good day. The eruption over, the lava spilt, the earth scorched and bear, and new growth will begin. The first brave stalks of grass taking hold. Green and life returning.
Tonight, however, I will continue to rage. To spew and fume and eject all of this negativity from me so that it can no longer hold sway over me.
My Call To Action
I hope, like me, you heal. I hope you stop self-medicating and that you confront the issues that you are hiding from.
You were unhappy when we were together. I was just a band-aid for it. You disliked your job. You disliked where you were at in life, and I don’t think that’s changed.
I hope you find yourself because I honestly think that is what you lost. And no one can help you find that except you.
Warrior Freya 