Prompt Pages 0045: Quote Prompt #3

Standard

Occupy Daily Prompt

 Discuss your thoughts on the meaning behind the quote(s).

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ― poet and author Maya Angelou


I am thinking about this a lot. I’m thinking about RB (previously known as Sir). I’m thinking about Mother Earth. I’m thinking about my mom and brothers. I’m thinking about the students I interact with. My co-workers. My blogging buddies.

I’m thinking about the way I interact with the people in my life.

I’m worried that I am inadvertently hurting people, or causing emotional discord, and that’s not what I mean to do. The road to hell is lined with good intentions, though. No matter what it is that I intended it doesn’t take away the hurt.

I feel I try my best to be fair and even. I try my best to think of how others would feel. I try to think about how I would feel in their situation. And I feel I am losing that right now. I feel that I am focusing too much on myself and being reckless and inconsiderate to the people around me.

I am thinking of the projects that I haven’t helped on. The questions I haven’t answered. Yet at the same time how it is not up to me to solve every problem. I’m trying to find the balance in these situations. I’m trying to be more than my job. But it hurts the people who look to me when I am not there as often as I normally am.

I am supposed to be building them to be independent, self-confident, self-reliant, so by constantly being present I am in a way hindering them. I also feel like I’m letting them down by not being there. Failing them in some way. And those conflicting emotions war inside me.

I’m worried that I’m letting my mom down. Am I staying in touch enough? Am I making her proud? Will she feel let down if I got involved with another person? Is it worth the worry it will cause her? Would my choices make her feel bad?

What about Mother Earth? I know she wants me to be happy. I know she knows being in Orlando is hard for me. Does that make my actions ok? Am I being selfish? I think I made her feel bad. Maybe this is all inside of my head and I’m worrying for nothing. It’s not a fun feeling, though. I don’t like thinking that I’ve hurt those that I love. I don’t like thinking that because I am weak willed that I have injured my other half.

And RB. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to be friends when I feel disrespected and hurt. I don’t know how to reach out and be compassionate right now and I feel that makes me low. I don’t know how to let go, move on, which makes me feel like I am causing additional pain to an already hard situation simply over pride.

That’s not fair of me. I should be there for my friends, thick and thin. But I can’t make myself do it. I can’t make myself get over the wall in my head. And because of that someone else is hurting. It makes me feel like I am a bad person, shallow.

I am having to make choices, and I know that feelings are involved, and that worries me. I want to be happy, but I don’t want it to come at the expense of others. It doesn’t matter what I say, what I do. What will be remembered are the feelings.

How are my actions making people feel? That is what I am constantly thinking of at the moment.

Advertisements

Daily Post 0103: Pro – Con List

Standard

Work went well. While I was on break I saw Huston. He wanted to know if I would be able to meet up with him at some point to work on one of his scripts. He has been try to make a class (that’s a programming term) for his script, but it wasn’t working properly and he couldn’t figure out why.

After talking about my schedule, and realizing that we wouldn’t be able to meet up for a few days, I decided to sit down in the lobby with him and help him out while I ate my lunch. The lobby is a social area for students, so I don’t normally hang out there, but if I’m legitimately working with someone then I don’t feel awkward about it.

So yeah, I ate my little tuna lunch while Huston talked through the issue he was having. We ended up getting the script to work which was awesome. It made us both feel good. It was great to be able to see Huston again and to enable him to continue moving forward with his project.

After lab I had about an hour to kill before having to be at the dojo. DM had text me earlier so I texted back asking if I could hangout for a little bit since he lives so close to my dojo. I figured I could finish off my character or we could play Soul Caliber.

He was fine with that. At the moment I have permission to come into the apartment without knocking. That makes me feel like I belong; like I’m part of the group. Their apartment is very social and open. It has a very accepting vibe to it, so it means a lot that I have been adopted into their circle.

We played Soul Caliber for a little while. I left for class around 5:50. We practiced kicks for a while, so my hip flexors are hating on me a bit today. And my calves feel tight, so stretching might be in order later this afternoon. Yoga sounds pretty amazing actually.

I stayed for an hour of aikido after the taekwondo class. I remembered a lot of the stuff, but I felt slow, rusty. It wasn’t a good feeling. The longer the class went on the less I felt it, but it was still not a cool sensation. I’ve only been to the dojo three times this month according to the sheet. So much lame.

Anywho, I got to practice forward rolls a bit, and I did my smoothest back roll ever so far. The few I have done in the past felt bumpy. This one felt super clean and fluid. It made me happy.

After class I went back to DM’s for a little bit. We had already agreed that I would not be staying the night. We played a bit more Soul Calibur and then watched a few episodes of “Is it Wrong to Pick Up Girls in a Dungeon?” It’s an anime, and it’s super cute. Hestia is so adorable. I absolutely love her character and I’m really interested in seeing where the story goes.

DM and I had some more deep conversation. We both agree that we need to take a step back to process what’s going on. It surprises me how we both think the same thing so often.

We both feel like it has quickly (in one week) become more than casual friends. Last night it was sort of funny / cute because while neither one of us wanted to leave the other, we both knew we needed the space, and that it wasn’t anything against the other.

I was thinking about it last night. Nothing that has happened has felt forced. The level of affection that we show to each other feels natural, normal. It feels like I’m supposed to reach out and let my finger tips brush his arm as he walks past. And it feels right that his hand turns slightly so that his own fingers brush against mine. It’s nothing big, it’s not something super intimate, but it makes me feel connected. And I like that.

We talked about titles the other night and I mentioned how I don’t like the terms boyfriend and girlfriend because they felt hallow and superficial. I said how those labels reminded me of immature high school mentalities of on again off again dating, and how I wanted a companion; someone to experience life with.

I’m trying to think about the situation logically without emotions. I’m trying to make a pro/con list, but I cannot think of any cons.

Joshua and I almost got involved after he broke up with Susan, but the pro/con list ended that before it began. He will be moving away in a few months, so anything serious would lead to emotional hurt later since neither of us would enjoy a long distance relationship. Susan was going to be moving back in to stay in the spare bedroom, so it would be awkward to tiptoe around her. And for me there was the added con of knowing some of our core traits would not mesh well, so there was the chance of harming our friendship.

None of that seemed worth it for a few weeks of fun. So we had a conversation about it and we both agreed to not pursue it, even though we are both interested. He still gives me hugs when we see each other, and we’re still friends after the conversation. We know it was nothing personal against the other, it just wasn’t the right time, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

With DM I can’t think of any cons as to why I shouldn’t let things happen as they are.

He is in the area and not planning to move. He has a job, though his motorcycle is out of commission at the moment. That should be up and running within the month, and even though he doesn’t have motor transportation, he is self sufficient and bikes to work or wherever he needs to go. He enjoys cooking. Our interests line up, both in the bedroom and outside of it. He doesn’t mind that I don’t want to share some of my hobbies and actually encouraged me to do so; that having separation would be healthy.

We’re both introverts with an understanding of how precious space and time are to each other, and we respect that. He likes cats. Stupid maybe, but it means a lot to me. He’s accepting of my faith. We make each other laugh. And I feel this is moving into more of the right brained feelz than sticking to logic…

He doesn’t live far away, actually he lives super close to everything that I find important like the dojo, work, and the gym, so it wouldn’t be hard adjust my life to include him in it. He makes me feel more balanced so I actually have the motivation and drive to get things done again.

It’s not me forcing myself to do things, dragging myself through the motions which take more energy than they should. I actually have energy to do things. I want to do them. I looked forward to vacuuming my car, to getting something sort of big done and off of my list finally. That’s the type of energy he gives me.

I think that alone is a good reason to continue with whatever it is that we have. I’m not really even all that interested in putting a label on it or defining it by trying to shove it into a box. I want it to be whatever it is and just go with it. But maybe that isn’t fair. Maybe that’s lazy of me, an excuse to not look further, deeper at it.

He’s not detracting from my schoolwork or actual work. I’m still going to the dojo and the gym. He isn’t a burden financially. He actually took me out for sushi the other day while we talked about my character’s backstory.

He wants us to be equals rather than having a D/s relationship, which I’m ok with. We’re able to pick on each other and banter back and forth without the other person taking offense. I get along with his roommates and friends, even his brother, at least the one I have met.

I don’t know. I don’t see any negatives. In my other relationships I knew they were there. I saw yellow and red flags in the beginning, but I ignored them. Or if I didn’t ignore them, I didn’t voice my concerns as forcefully as I should have, which was a communication error on my part.

The only negative I can really think of is that if it doesn’t work out, or we break it off, that I will emotionally hurt, which sucks and is something I want to avoid. It’s fear really. The only downside I can find at the moment is fear.

I’m going to keep thinking on it. I feel like there is more there than fear that I need to unravel and look at.

For now I’m going to go. I have laundry to fold, a freelance check to hunt down, some cross stitching to do, and eventually a gym to get to. It’s a rainy, lazy day today, but it still has that feeling of contentment.

Daily Post 0102: Halfbreed Super Munchkin Champion

Standard

I’m sitting here looking at a blank Word document page and I’m thinking about all of the things that I could / should write about, and I don’t know the words to use. I feel content. Peaceful. Relaxed. There is a calmness in my mind that doesn’t require expression, that sort of feels like expressing in words will cheapen the sensation. There are no words that will be able to capture everything, and so it should be left, as is, pure and untouched within my mind.

I feel as if I should be sitting on a porch swing, looking out over a vast expanse of green in the early afternoon, a light breeze kissing against my skin as I allow the swing to rock back and forth lazily, my mind wondering, no higher level thinking. No problem solving.

As I’m sitting in this fictitious setting the memories of the previous day come back to me.

After work on Saturday I went to the hookah lounge where DM works. We sat with two of his friends for a while chatting about our previous school experience, work, games, and relationships.

We all ended up going back to DM’s apartment and played Munchkin. It was great. I actually ended up winning which is a whole story in itself.

My main takeaway from the game was that DM and I can hang out with other people and not have it be sexual, which is something that I feel contrasts my relationship with Sir.

I feel with Sir socializing with new people was always for the end goal of new play partners. Even if a person came over and it did not lead to anything sexual it was sort of like an interview. Could we potentially be involved with this person?

Saturday night / Sunday morning wasn’t about that at all. It seriously was just about hanging out and having a fun time. I enjoyed it.

My character was pretty crazy. I ended up being a halfbreed dwarf hafling as well as a super-munchkin wizard / theif. I had a crap ton of gear, too. But for the longest time I was the lowest level, so even though I could kill pretty much anything on my own, I wasn’t getting monster cards that would let me level.

It was a really close game. We all eventually got to level nine and trying to get the final kill so we could win the game. Any time someone would flip a monster card the other three players would mess it up and play trap cards to try to keep the other person from being able to level and win the game.

When it was DM’s turn, I ended up taking his class away, which took away his ability to wear several pieces of his gear which meant he couldn’t kill the monster and win. He jokingly said, “You’re so not getting any tonight.” To which I replied, “Well, at least you know it’s not about the sex.”

He smiled and rolled his eyes while I cracked up.

We’ve been talking about that. How we want our interaction to be based on friendship, not just a physical interaction. So far I think we’re doing alright.

In the morning we went and got donuts for the apartment. I ended up leaving for a while to take care of chores. DM’s roommate was going to be running a Pathfinder campaign later in the evening. I was invited to sit and be a spectator for if I wanted so I could get a feel for how the campaign I will be involved in next Sunday would go.

So I left and went to the gym. I biked for about 8 miles, rowed for 1.24 miles, and then jogged for about .75 miles.

It was nice getting back to the gym. I didn’t do as awesome as I have in the past, but that’s ok. I’m happy I went.

After the gym I went back to my apartment. I know Scarlet has been missing me since I haven’t been staying at home as much. I cuddled with her and ended up taking a two hour nap. When I woke up I cleaned out my car, and figured out my to-do list.

I finally got around to vacuuming it out, so my car is back to being clean, at least on the inside. I need to wash it, but I’ll save that for a different day / weekend. I went to the store afterwards for food. I was able to keep it to $40, so I think I’ll be able to survive through the next two weeks with my super reduced budget.

I have $20 in savings I could transfer over if it comes to that. I’m going to try to avoid doing that though.

I came back home after shopping and put food away, cleaned the dishes, cleaned my room a bit, and went through my email since I’ve been ignoring that. Eventually I showered and went back to DM’s apartment to watch the game.

His roommate, John, made margaritas for everyone, which were awesome. The drink helped with the anxiety my inner introvert was feeling. There were five other people there, and though I’ve seen all but one of them before, I’ve never really hung out with any of them except DM’s brother, Gabe.

After the first round of drinks John added in frozen strawberries to the margaritas. There was only enough alcohol for 3 drinks per person, but that was enough for me. I wouldn’t have taken another.

There was also pizza for dinner. So we all got to eat, drink, and play the game. It was fun watching them interact and role-play their characters. Gabe was such a clown the whole time. I really like his character. He reminds me of my younger brother so much.

It was a pretty humors encounter. Their party was attacked by three swarms of snakes, so like… 900 snakes in total. Their party got away, but it was still interesting to see how their characters reacted.

I’m looking forward to next Sunday when I’ll get to legitimately be part of it.

After everyone ended up leaving DM and I tried to play Soul Caliber for a little bit, but my head was hurting from drinking alcohol and not drinking enough water to counter my workout earlier.

So we ended up watching Doctor Who, the very first, original black and white episode. We actually watched two of them. I liked it. The acting was so much different back then than it is today.

My headache ended up going away, though I wasn’t able to sleep very well. Like… I slept all night, but it wasn’t a very deep sleep, so when my alarm went off at 8 this morning I didn’t feel rested enough to start my day.

DM got up around 10 and let me sleep for longer. I got out of bed around noon and felt so much better for it. Getting the extra REM cycles made all the difference.

I showered, had a donut for breakfast, spent some time with DM and then came to work. He actually walked me all the way to my car since I had to park pretty far away from his apartment due to all of the visitor parking spots being taken.

He said he was going to go to the leasing office and talk to them about the issue of residents using visitor parking. I don’t think either of us really see things changing, but at least we can say we tried.

I have aikido and taekwondo today, which I’ll actually be able to get to. Huzzah! So overall I’m not sad that I didn’t go to the gym this morning. I’ll make up for it tonight.

And that has been my time so far.

I need to do some heavy meditation, but I feel like I’m doing ok.

Daily Post 0101: Can I Please Keep My Car?

Standard

My car was towed… again…

FML…

Like seriously… this is the second time that I was all decked out for the gym, and walked outside to find a missing car…

Well, I was dressed for aikido instead of the gym, but that’s sort of a moot point. The main thing is I was going to go to aikido for three hours of practice because I haven’t gone in so long, but fate had other ideas.

So the story behind this towing… The complex where DM lives is pretty strict with their parking. White lined spots are for residents ONLY. Hardcore important for visitors to not park in white spots. Bad juju and stuff if you do.

Yellow lined spots are the only acceptable place for my car.

Cool. No problem. Except… all of the residents park in the F’ing yellow parking places because they’re closer to the buildings normally. So last night DM and I were trying to find a parking spot for my car. There was literally no visitor parking expect for spots on the complete opposite side of the complex.

There was, however, a fire lane spot. We sat staring at the spot for a little bit. He mentioned how I’m technically not supposed to park there, but, that he’s seen people park there and not get towed. He also said that ultimately the choice was mine.

So I decided to park there and try my odds.

Guess my odds sucked.

We went to the leasing office, got the number (I’m familiar with this routine now), called the guy, found out the price (all of my food money), and then went about getting my car back.

I actually got a ride from Tim, Sam’s boyfriend, which allowed me to take care of the computer desk issue, and give the toaster oven and waffle maker to them finally. It also let me pick up my mail from the old place and give Joshua my key since all of my stuff is out of the apartment now.

I felt a little bad because he offered me to come hang out with him and a few other people, but I had work this evening and wasn’t able to go. I felt warm and fuzzy for having received an invitation, though.

I took a nap around 7 this evening so I could survive lab. Frank texted me and said he was sick, so I ran the lab alone tonight. It wasn’t bad. Actually, a lot of the questions I could handle on my own even though shading and lighting isn’t my class. I got to show some rigging and compositing videos too, so that was fun. Some minds were blown.

I finished creating my Pathfinder character. I really like the backstory DM helped me create for her, and I’m using the name Cherru. It used to be the name of my mage in World of Warcraft.

Cherru is going to be an oread, which is basically a human / earth elemental mix. She has crystalline spiked hair the color of dark amethyst, with marbled skin and onyx eyes. Cherru is tall for an oread, stading at 4 foot 2 inches, and weights roughly 160 pounds due to her earthen form. She is a longbow zen archer, trained at a monastery of Irori, who is a god of balance. She joined the monastery as a way to avoid being pressured into marriage by her parents.

I really want to draw my character. I think that would be a lot of fun. I think that will help me identify with her even more.

I still haven’t gotten my freelance check, and I can’t put into words how awesome it would be to get it in the next few days. Having to pay for my car seriously wiped out over half of my food budget for the next two weeks.

DM offered to help me pay for it, but I would really rather him not spend anything on me. I will keep that option open in my mind if things get too tight. But for me it’s an independence and pride issue. Yes, I know it’s most likely foolish, and that accepting help from others isn’t bad or wrong.

I really want to be able to take care of myself. That’s what being an adult is. Even when I make stupid choices and park in a fire lane because at 3am I’m lazy and don’t want to walk 5 minutes.

I’ve already started working on next weeks homework. I have finished several of the reading assignments, and already completed one of the graded assignments. That leaves only the quiz to take, and the second assignment where I have to create my own contract for a given scenario.

Not the most exciting assignment, but it shouldn’t take me all that long either. I tend to be good at things like this. I’m also sitting at an above average grade for the class which is nice.

It’s not a competition… but I have to win.

I got to talk to my mom yesterday which was awesome. I haven’t talked to her in what seems like a while. I talked to her about the situation with Sir and how I still feel angry about it, and that now that anger is starting to make me feel bad.

I feel like it is preventing me from being compassionate. I still care for him and the situation he is in. I feel like I should have reached out more yesterday. I feel like I didn’t show enough support for his hardship. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, though. So I left it alone.

Mom didn’t have any advice for me. Which I wasn’t really looking for any. I have made my choices and so really all I can do is let go of whatever emotions I feel and move on. Being angry and hurt still, being sad over not being supportive enough isn’t going to change anything.

I did what I did. Thinking any further on it is wasting energy that I could be investing into something else. I wish applying that logic was as easy as typing it. Knowing what to do is a very big first step though.

I talked to Mother Earth yesterday as well. I’m worried that I have hurt her. I’m worried that being with DM is going to harm my relationship with her and J, which isn’t my intention. I’m not sure where that leaves me. Confused and in need of more meditation.

Tomorrow I have the whole day to myself. I want to go to the gym, so bad. And I’m going to. I’m going to finish setting up my character. I need to buy my armor and weapons, and pick my feats still. But overall she’s setup and ready to go.

I think overall today was a good day. And I think tomorrow will be good as well.

Daily Post 0100: Game Night

Standard

Friday afternoon finds me at my sports bar.

I have just paid all of my bills since it is payday. I sent Jeremy $500 for rent, since I owed him for all of April and the upcoming month of May. He let me use the rent money last month to buy the mini fridge and storage unit for my clothing. So this paycheck is basically double rent.

It’s not bad since I was paying $450 with Joshua monthly. I can handle all of my expenses. Next month I’ll be able to start powering through my Care Credit debit, and then my Bank of America card so I can close that account out for their crummy customer service.

The Care Credit will be my new primary goal. I just finished paying off the amount on the Lane Bryant card I used to get new intimates two months ago. A good investment, but still debt that I don’t want to have. And now I don’t because it’s gone. Huzzah.

Anyway. Yeah, after this month I’ll start seeing the savings from my lower rent, which will be great. I can’t wait.

So bills are done. I’ve eaten, and now I’m able to sit and listen to music and process my brain.

I still need to go through my computer and do some file management. I haven’t cleaned my download folder in like… two weeks? It’s pretty bad. I need to empty my computer’s trashcan too…

Mom has been trying to call me. She’s visiting Jason and Lio in Vegas. I’ve missed both of her phone calls because of work. So I’m supposed to call her so we can catch up.

Critiques are today. Instead of using Google Hangouts we’re going to try using the system used for online lectures; Go-To-Training. I personally haven’t used it, but Clavan set up this session for me, and we’re meeting about 30 minutes before the critique so he can show me how to use it.

This new system will solve the space issue we were having with Google. We’ll be able to get more than 10 people into the group. It should also make it easier to communicate through the text box. I’ve been inside of the interface as a student, just not as the host. I think it will go fine, though there’s a part of me who’s nervous about it. It’s new and scary.

I want to get to the dojo today, or at the very least the gym. Dojo would be preferred. Friday is open mat. If sensei Jan and Beata are there maybe they can run through some moves with me. I don’t like how it feels like things are slipping from me in that department.

I’m feeling more fulfilled though. I feel more balanced and that’s making it easier to find the motivation to move forward.

Last night was super fun, while at the same time relaxing / recharging. I didn’t end up having dinner, which I was actually ok with.

DM had plans with his brother and a friend to play Black Ops in the evening. When I got off of work his friend was still there playing Soul Calibur V. I’m normally not a fan of fighting games, but for some reason I’ve always liked Soul Calibur. Maybe it’s the art style, or because it has more of a fantasy feel to it.

I used to play it with Warren #1 and even Jason and Lio when they lived in South Carolina. I loved playing the forth game. I would play Tira mainly. She uses a weapon called a ring blade, which is exactly what it sounds like. It’s essentially a hula hoop that’s super sharp on the outer edge, and she basically spins and dances around with it and kicks major ass. I love her and she’ll be my go-to character for as long as she’s in the game.

So when I got over to DM’s apartment, he and Dan were playing. DM wanted to make another batch of donuts since I was back, which left the controller open. Dan and I played some matches. They were all pretty close, and I won a fair amount of them. It was a lot of fun. When the donuts were done we ended up passing the controls around based on who lost, so I got to play against DM some. I even won a few rounds.

After we got tired of playing games we all ended up sitting and talking for a pretty long time. We talked about DnD, Pathfinder, Magic the Gathering, chess, cribbage, hobbies, going to Cloak and Blaster to hangout. All sorts of stuff.

When Dan left DM and I actually stayed up for a bit longer figuring out what type of character I would be playing for his Pathfinder game. It made me feel good that he said that he wanted to do something outside of the bedroom. That he wanted this to be more than food and sex, even though both of those things were amazing.

I liked that he didn’t mind going through all of the bestiary books with me, looking at different things. He didn’t mind that I said no to characters, or that I would take a while to come to a decision about a suggestion. He let me sit in silence and think it over. The ones I liked we wrote down to come back to later.

I feel bad that I honestly can’t remember the race of my character. I know it starts with an ‘O’ (at least I’m pretty sure it does). Basically it’s a humanoid earth elemental, which really jives with me right now. I’m going to be a Zen Archer, which is like monk but with a bow an arrow, so I’ll still be a ranged class.

Originally I was going to go with a caster so I could have the draconic bloodline and make my character more dragon oriented, but I think I can sacrifice that. I like the feel of this character.

I’m not sure about backstory yet. I guess I’ll start putting some thought into that.

But yeah, we spent about an hour going through all of the different books. He answered all of my questions, and made suggestions, and overall it was really awesome. We didn’t do anything further with the character since we were both tired, and agreed we would save the rest of the setup for another day.

He wants to teach me how to play chess since it came out that I’ve never played before. And he said he wouldn’t mind relearning how to play cribbage with me. We’re finding things that we can do together, while still keeping things to ourselves.

He wasn’t offended when I said that I didn’t want him to do aikido with me. That I wanted to keep the dojo for me. Not that I don’t want him to practice if he wanted to. It’s more that if he did, I would rather we go to different dojos. Maybe, eventually, if he wanted to practice, I could see opening up that much and going to the same place.

But for right now I need to keep my spaces as mine. And I think he understands that. In any event, he wasn’t offended which made me feel good.

He offered for me to stay at his apartment while he’s not there. I’m not sure how I feel about that. Confused. I’m not upset, or weirded out. In a way I feel honored since that is placing a lot of trust in me.

Dan even mentioned how he got extremely good vibes from me, which made me smile and I’m sure blush since I blush over pretty much any compliment.

DM doesn’t think I’ll steal from him and his roommates, or murder his cat. At the same time I feel awkward. I know my room is super important to me. It is my haven. I don’t think I would be ok with leaving someone alone in my room. Part of that may have a lot to do with being so new in the house myself. I’m still figuring out my own place.

So that offer is there. He noticed I was uncomfortable with it. Or at least undecided. I don’t think it is a bad thing. And I think I’m making it a bigger deal than it really is simply because of how I view my own space. I don’t think I’m going to go back over today, but maybe in the future. Maybe after a little more time.

Right now he’s at work, which leaves me free until 2am if not later. I like that. I have the whole day for homework, critiques, the dojo, and finishing off my podcast finally. I have time. I have space.

I had a text message from Sir this morning, which brought up mixed emotions. Today is another hard day for him. We didn’t talk much. I didn’t press the conversation.

And I guess with that I’m all written out. I suppose that means it’s time to move on to the homework phase of today. I’m saving talking to mom as my reward for getting through my assignments. That way they’ll at least get done.

Go go motivation.

Daily Post 0099: Content

Standard

I’m in a good mood. And as I type that I don’t know what else to say. I stop and look at the words. I roll them around in my mind. I start thinking, and my fingers slow as the thoughts take over.

But really its because I force my fingers to stop rather than letting the thoughts flow through me. Mentally I’m standing in my own way. So, yeah. No stopping this time.

I feel good, and I’m going to keep writing. I’m not going to sit and ponder over why just yet. I need to write through it to understand it fully. And even then I might not. It might twist and turn and the knot might not become unraveled just yet. I realize that, but I also realize that continuing to write will help to eventually figure it out.

I’m not going to lie, part of feeling good is sex and I don’t feel bad or apologetic about that. It is an enjoyable experience and I’m not going to regret it.

There’s more to it though.

The physical aspect is there, but I think of the little joke about peanut butter this morning. I think about our playful banter and both of us being sarcastic to each other and how our humor lines up. I think about the deep conversations where we get to the end and there’s the silence of finality. The silence that is heavy with knowing there is no more to be said.

There’s the thought of the energy and how it feels. Natural seems like an ill-fitting word, but I can’t think of another to use. I will meditate on that.

I am interested. I’m observing and seeing where it goes. There are emotions involved, and I recognize that, but it’s not love. Warmth, caring, interest. Curiosity maybe.

We watched Airplane today while we ate lunch. At first DM was on the floor while I sat in the chair. And it was so incredibly nice to be able to feel his back against my legs, my hands on his shoulders. It was nice to be able to ideally pet someone. Which I suppose makes me sound like a creeper, but there you go.

I actually didn’t eat my sandwich at the beginning of the movie like DM, so about halfway through I got up from the chair to get mine, so he took the chair and I sat on the floor while I ate.

Afterwards I scooted closer, and he petted the top of my head, running his hand over the bandana I always wear. Every so often he would press against one of the bite marks on my shoulder just to see me try not to squirm in front of his roommate I’m sure. He knew what he was doing.

And it’s the teasing, the light playfulness of our interactions that I like.

He hasn’t said anything about me having short hair, which I appreciate. No, why isn’t it longer? You would be prettier with longer hair.

I told him the story behind it, so I suppose he accepts it as part of me.

We talked about tattoos and piercings earlier and he said my body was my own. He said he didn’t like gaged ears, but that he wouldn’t stop me or be upset with me for continuing with my plans to gage mine. I liked that.

He is cooking dinner tonight, which I’m actually looking forward to. Normally I would feel awkward. I don’t like people doing things for me. There’s obligation involved afterwards. Something is expected. But I don’t feel that this time.

There’s actually a lot of things that I don’t feel, which might be part of why I feel good right now. I don’t feel negativity. But none of my relationships, aside from Warren #2 ever felt like they were bad in the beginning. They never started negative.

Jarrett was awesome, amazingly fantastic, until we moved in together.

I don’t know where that leaves me. Every time I have gone with emotions I get screwed in the end. But I don’t honestly believed I was screwed. The situations sucked. Oh my god did those relationships hurt. But I learned major, serious lessons from them. So maybe they weren’t “wrong”.

I don’t know. And I know I’m not going to get that figured out any time soon. More things to meditate on.

This doesn’t feel like Jarrett, though. It doesn’t feel like a high, something crazy intense where I should have known we were going to crash and burn. It doesn’t feel like Sir either. It’s not Joe, where he is yo-yoing me back and forth.

If I am honest, it feels like Warren #1. It feels like we mesh really well and that we are good friends. Only I’m a stronger more independent person than I was with my first relationship.

Still not really sure where that leaves me though…

So… this is the second time I have seen him.

So far that has been my day. I woke up to read, but instead did chores and showered so I could spend the afternoon with DM before going into work where I have admin hours.

I went and had oatmeal with brown sugar for breakfast. We went to the grocery store to pick up cheese, milk, and yeast for dinner and home made donuts. We got tuna sandwiches while we were out, and watched a cute movie which had me laughing for most of it. We talked about so many different things through the morning and after the movie.

I feel content.

I think that’s what it is. Rather than feeling good, happy, or anything along those lines, I think I feel content.

I have homework to crank through at the moment, and then work later tonight, and afterwards I have dinner to look forward to.

That doesn’t make me forget about my past. That doesn’t erase all of the experiences I have been through. But overall, at the moment, with everything that has happened so far, I think I feel content.

Daily Post 0098: The Decision is Made

Standard

It is interesting to be detached and logical about my emotions while still being immersed in them. I do not feel at their mercy as I used to when I was younger.

I have a better understanding. I know how to compromise with myself. I know how to empathize with my right brain and not ridicule myself for my emotions. They are there for a reason, and no amount of trying to cover them up is going to make them go away. They will come back later, stronger, and take more energy to work through.

It is healthier to work through the pain now to reach understanding and peace then to turn a blind eye to it.

I was angry. Furious.

I had to reach out to others to see if my perspective was skewed because my emotions where so strong.

In retaliation I recreated my OkCupid profile. Yes, I cringed when I typed that because there is a part of me that feels shame for it. There is a part of me that has a stigma associated with ‘online dating’.

But really, should there be? I don’t think I would fair very well by going to a bar and saying, “Nice shoes. Want to cuddle?”

I have missed having affection and physical contact. I have avoided remaking my profile simply because of this stigma I feel, not for any real logical reason. I don’t want a relationship. I want people to hang out with. A sexual relationship if the chemistry is there would be nice, but it’s not the focus.

I’ve been hibernating in the bubble I made around myself. I’m been in a self-inflicted exile, living off of the sips of deep contact that I allow into my life. Visits home, my encounter with James, the dojo I have so rarely gotten to in the past month and a half.

I ended my exile on Sunday partly, as I said, in retaliation. Though creating a profile has been something I have been thinking about, my anger was the catalysis that pushed the action forward.

It has been much like my first experience with the site. A mild mix of entertainment and frustration. Honestly, I can only handle, “ey grl how u doin” so many times before the urge to throw dictionaries at peoples faces overrides all reason.

I have received messages from a few people who are interesting, though. One of them, we’ll call him DM (Dungeon Master) offered for me to come play with his Pathfinder group. We actually met in person yesterday.

I’ve gotten so many messages from people expressing how attractive I am. So there’s a bit of an ego boost there, though honestly those messages are often ones I do not reply to, or conversations I quickly end.

I know most of the original motivation was fueled by anger, but it is cooling. Having conversations with others is helping put things back in perspective. It’s keeping me from brooding further.

Normally after the anger there is depression. Anger turned inward. I become angry with myself, at my reactions and my emotions. I berate myself for feeling the way I do. I’m unjustified in my anger. I should be better than that. I should be above such petty emotion.

And because of that internal anger in the past I have done incredibly stupid things. Things I knew didn’t line up with what I wanted or valued, but that I did anyway. And I have no real reason to explain my actions. Looking back at those situations they were self-destructive and I see that now.

Currently I feel a bit detached, but in a good, stable way. I’m sitting in front of my computer. I am remembering last night. I don’t feel guilt or shame. I haven’t felt depression at all. And part of me wonders if it is because I am handling this situation differently.

I haven’t berated myself. I accepted my hurt and anger. I accept that they are still mildly there. I understand this may be a new scar, a new battle wound that may never fully heal. I also understand that I am allowed to be a human instead of the encyclopedia I always feel like. The walking dictionary I compare myself to.

I am allowed to be warm and caring with others. I’m allowed to have friends, both male and female. I’m allowed to have partners. I’m allowed to talk to people, and hang out, or not hang out. I’m allowed to have sex, and to enjoy it. And that doesn’t make me trashy or low.

There isn’t shame in that.

It was one of the things that drew me to Freya to begin with. Why, why would I allow another’s opinion to influence my own?

I can focus on myself, my goals, my priorities while still honoring my social needs. Maybe that is one of the reasons this past situation bothered me so much. I have been struggling against something that I know I need. I allowed myself to feel bad, as if I were failing at that struggle when I don’t think I should be fighting this fight at all. I don’t want to fight it. And I’m not going to any loner.

I am an introvert, but I still need people in my life, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I need physical contact with others. I’m not ok with going weeks without a hug from someone who I am deeply connected with. I need that connection.

I’m tired of feeling lonely and alienated in a place that I’m going to be living for at least another five to six years. I’m tired of knowing those feelings are caused purely by myself and that once again I am the cause of my own discord.

I’m tired of the imbalance I feel from it. I’m tired of feeling drained and that even though my projects are important and even though I make a difference in peoples lives every day, that my efforts feel meaningless because I do not have people in my everyday, normal, interactions to share life with.

Part of me feels like I’m complaining right now. Whining.

I have so many people in my life who love me. I wish they lived in Orlando with me so I could have that reassurance and warmth. I wish their love and affection wasn’t a memory I have to recall. I wish it was still something tactile. A hug. A kiss on the forehead. Bumping elbows in the kitchen as we banter in front of the fridge getting a soda, or at the sink trying to fill a glass with water.

I feel like I have to apologize for needing physical contact to feel worth-while and connected. Once again, I feel this cold sinking sensation for needing to apologize for being me.

I wonder if other INFJs struggle with these feelings. I wonder if it is a combination of being an INFJ with physical touch being my primary love language.

It shouldn’t matter as to why, though. I don’t feel sorry for having blue eyes, so why should I feel sorry for needing hugs? Why is it I am accepting of certain parts of my personality, but not of others which are just as intrinsically part of who I am?

I suppose it might be because of my past relationships. Being called ‘clingy’ by Warren #2 wasn’t fun. It made me question myself. He made me question so many things that had never been an issue before.

My need for contact became something I was, and still am, insecure about.

“Stop being girly.”
“You’re so emotionally needy.”
“Why are you so weak?”
“You’re being childish.”

Those are the words I associate with my need for contact now. Those are the words that were said to me, and so now they bounce around inside of my head, echoing endlessly while I crouch, covering my ears in an attempt to silence the words and the cutting, slicing pain that goes with them. While I fight the coldness that they bring.

But they’re on the inside. Covering my ears only traps them in. Makes them louder. The only thing I feel that can silence them is speaking the opposite. Speaking, screaming so loud that I replace the old echoes with new ones.

This isn’t weak, girly, or childish of me.

I am accepting of other people who require physical contact. Why am I not accepting of myself? Why am I once again the only one I treat differently?

I deserve the same level of acceptance. I am worthy of that. I don’t feel it’s something I should change, and honestly it’s not something I want to change. I don’t think wanting a hug or affection is bad.

Affection isn’t sex. And sex isn’t affection. I wrote about that. How one isn’t a substitute for the other. Those words aren’t interchangeable either. Which is something I feel most of society doesn’t understand. And maybe that’s another layer of why it is hard to accept myself. Because once again there is this stigma associated with something. I’m allowing the opinions if others to hold sway over my own.

There is a difference, at least to me. Wanting affection doesn’t make me cheap or low.

So this has been a bit of a rant, a bit of introspection, and a bit of just fumbling at the keyboard trying to type through all of these feelings. It’s still confusing. I still feel the old words in my head.

None of this is going to get resolved right here, right now.

But I feel a bit better. I feel recharged actually. I feel more like myself than I have in a while. I’m not rolling my eyes at the thought of doing my homework. I’m actually looking forward to the gym, rather than secretly cringing because things are feeling pointless again.

I have made the decision to honor myself and my right to have balance by filling my need for companionship rather than crippling myself and proving that I can exist with out it.

I’ve made a decision. And that feels good.